Callie POV
I open my eyes, a small stream of light filtering in through a crack in the curtains. The energy in the room is oddly quiet. I lift my head, peering at Stef and Lena. Both of them are asleep. Lena is somehow curled onto her side, head resting on the back of the chair. Stef is sitting normally, head hanging backward, mouth wide open. I stifle a laugh at how ridiculous she looks.
I am tempted to wake her up; I can't imagine how sore she is going to be after sleeping like that. I'm about to call her name, but I stop myself. Neither of them have gotten much sleep lately.. Maybe I should just let them be.
I try to sit up a little, trying to be as quiet as possible. By the time I manage to get up, my heart is pounding and pain is screaming through my body. I reach to hit the morphine button, desperate for some relief. My stupid fingers won't work right, but I am finally able to use the edge of my cast to hit the button. I hear the 'beep' telling me the dose has been delivered, and I feel oddly successful.
I sit back, allowing the medication to sink in. Slowly the pain begins to fade, and something else takes over. I don't know what it is, exactly. It's a mixture between restlessness and desire. Desire for what, though, I'm not sure. The longer I think about it, the more agitated I become.
I let my mind wander, trying to distract myself. Stef and Lena haven't said anything about any of the kids, and I wonder where exactly everyone might be. Did Mariana and Jesus still go to their summer camps? Did Brandon go to Juilliard? And.. what about Jude?
My stomach twists itself into knots. I haven't even asked about him, yet, which makes me feel like the most awful sister. I just.. I forced myself not to think about him while I was with Russell. For once, I knew that he was safe. I didn't have to worry about if he was being taken care of. For once, it was only my life I had to fight for. Thinking about him, letting myself miss him.. It only made things worse. I didn't think I would live long enough to see any of them again, so I refused to let myself imagine that day happening.
But, now I'll be going home. I have to readjust to a life I thought was over. Right now, I can't even fathom it. I don't know how I can possibly face any of my siblings ever again. It makes me feel like an awful person, but I don't even know if I want to see them, at least right now. I don't want them to know what happened. I don't want them to see me like this. It is hard enough that Stef and Lena have to. I wonder if Jude would hate me, if he knew.
My stomach roils, and I try to swallow down the nausea, desperate not to get sick again. I can tell I'm fighting a losing battle, though, as I look around for that stupid blue puke bag. It's on the table next to me. I reach for it, trying to be quick but quiet.
I'm sweating now, my body feeling like a furnace as I begin shaking. I manage to grasp it, holding it under my mouth in time for me to throw up.
I turn myself away from Stef and Lena, trying to throw up quietly so I don't disturb them. I'm so focused on trying to be silent and take care of myself, I don't hear Stef get up. I catch her out of the corner of my eye, hurrying around the bed.
"Oh, sweetheart. Here, let me help." She takes the bag from my hands, holding it for me. Her other hand brushes my hair back, soothing. "Sorry." I rasp in between retches. "There's nothing to apologize for, Callie. You're okay." She reassures.
Eventually my stomach calms, allowing me a break. I lean back, out of breath and hot. I notice Lena, then, standing next to me. I have no idea when she got up, but she is rubbing small circles on my arm. She pulls the blanket down part way, allowing for some air movement to reach my skin. "Thanks." I gulp, grossed out at how sweaty I am.
"Why didn't you wake us, honey?" Lena asks. "I..uh. It was sudden." I lie, not wanting to get in trouble. Lena looks at me suspiciously, but remains silent. "How is your pain, Cal?" Stef asks, looking concerned. I shake my head. "It's good, I feel okay." I say honestly. The medication really did help.
"Are you sure?" She looks skeptical. "You haven't had any medication since last night.." She trails off. I glue my eyes to the bed, realizing my lie that I didn't have time to wake them up no longer works if they find out I had also given myself my medication. I remain silent.
"If you're in pain, Callie, it's okay to use the medication." She says, clearly thinking I just don't want to take it. I bite my lip. "I-I.. took it." I whisper, risking a quick look at her before dropping my gaze back to the bed.
"Oh. You gave yourself a dose?" She verifies. I nod. "Okay.." She says, seeming like she wants to say more. "You're mad?" I ask, unwilling to chance a look at her now, afraid of the anger I will see. "What? No," She sounds genuinely surprised. "Callie, no. Not at all. I just don't want you to feel like you can't wake us for help, that's all. You don't have to do it all by yourself." She sounds sincere, and I take a deep breath.
She wraps her arms around me, pressing a kiss to my head. "You're not in trouble, sweet girl. You're perfectly fine, okay?" She whispers. "Kay." I reply, relieved.
There is a slight knock on the door then, before Dr. Carter peers her head in. She walks in, cheery. "Morning! How are we doing today, Callie?" She is looking at me, and my anxiety rises. I shrug, unwilling to give her any more of an answer.
"Well, I have a couple things I need to discuss with you and your moms, but I think we should be able to discharge you this morning. Is that something you want?" I nod quickly. She's got my attention, now. "Yes." Of this, I am confident.
"I thought it may be. I need you to promise me a couple things, though. First, I need you to make sure you are eating enough. We are going to weigh you before you leave, and the next time you come in we need to see that you're gaining weight." I shrug. "Okay." She seems to weigh my answer before continuing.
"The second thing is to make sure you don't overdo it. You are free to begin walking, but don't push yourself. Your body is still recovering and needs more rest than it does exercise. Sound fair?" She finishes.
I nod. "Yep." Whatever I have to say to get me out of here, I don't care. She hesitates before speaking again, changing her focus more toward Stef and Lena now.
"We got the results back from the STD swabs this morning, and she did come up positive for Gonorrhea. Thankfully it's a very simple and easy treatment, and can be cured. We will just want to keep an eye on things, and if there's any change or anything feels different to you, Callie, let your moms know." She looks at me seriously.
I feel sick. I feel worse than sick. I feel humiliated and gross. My stomach heaves, and I grasp for the bag. Lena is quick to help, grabbing it and holding it for me. I retch over and over, nothing coming out. Stef rubs my back, soothing me. I sit back, my stomach mellowed out. "Sorry." I whisper. "You're fine, honey." Lena reassures, brushing hair out of my face.
"I'm sorry, Callie. I'll have the nurse get you some more anti-nausea medication, and we are going to send some home with you as well to help with the drug withdrawal symptoms." She explains. I'm sure she intended to make me feel better, but now I feel worse. Withdrawal? That's why I've been so sick? My body.. misses it?
I don't have too much time to think about this before she is moving on. "So Callie, I just need you to drink this, and then we will give you an IM injection of an antibiotic. After that, you will be good to go." She hands Lena a cup of milky-looking liquid. I eye it suspiciously. "It's just an antibiotic powder mixed with water. I do recommend drinking it quickly; it doesn't taste the best." Dr. Carter explains.
Lena lifts the cup to my mouth, and I gulp it down. It is disgusting, and I partially feel like throwing up again. "Alright, the nurse will be in shortly to give you the IM injection, then I will go over some discharge instructions with your parents and we will get you on your way home. Sound good?" Dr. Carter asks. I nod. She leaves the room, and I sigh in relief. I can't wait to get out of here.
Just as Stef and Lena are finishing packing up their things, a nurse comes in with a syringe of medication. My pulse quickens, nerves sinking in. "Good morning! So this is just an antibiotic in here, you won't feel different at all afterward, okay?" She comforts, apparently already aware of my aversion. I give no response, still wary.
"I do have to give this in a large muscle, so what we're going to do is have you roll onto your side, and I will give it in your ventrogluteal muscle, which is sort of going to be the side of your butt, okay?" She explains. I look up at Stef, anxious. "You'll be okay, love. It'll be quick." She reassures me, rubbing my arm.
"Okay, we are going to roll you onto your right side, Callie." The nurse explains. Lena is on my right side, Stef and the nurse on my left. I feel the nurse lift my gown, and I grasp on to Lena's hand with more strength than I thought I could muster, fear driving me.
"You're doing great, sweetie." Lena soothes. I squeeze my eyes closed when I feel hands on me, my breath catching."There's going to be a quick stick, Callie." The nurse warns. The sharp prick into my skin makes me jump. It hurts like hell, but I grit my teeth, refusing to show it. I feel her withdraw the needle and pull my gown back down, and I let out the breath I'd been holding.
"You did perfect, Callie. The doctor is going to come back in to go over a few things with your moms, and then you should be able to go home within' the hour." The nurse explains as she disposes of the needle and washes her hands.
Sure enough, Dr. Carter comes back into the room a few minutes later, stepping aside with Stef and Lena. At first I wonder what they're discussing, but then I find myself caught up in my own thoughts; anxiety creeping in at the prospect of finally going home.
I'm not sure how long it has been, but I realize that Dr. Carter is no longer in the room, and Stef and Lena are sitting in their chairs. I watch them for a moment, debating whether or not to say anything. Finally, I realize that I have to. I have to know what I'm walking in to.
"Um.." I clear my throat. "Brandon." I don't know how to ask what I want, so I just make a statement. Stef and Lena look at each other, both looking equally as confused as the other.
"What about him, honey?" Lena asks. I fiddle with my fingers, watching them twitch. "Is he… home?" I ask. "No, love. He's at Juilliard for the summer." Stef answers.
I nod. "Jesus?" I question. "He's at a wrestling camp. He will be home in a few weeks." Lena replies, knowing what I am asking this time. "Mariana is at a Robotics camp for a few more weeks, as well, so you will have the room to yourself." Stef adds.
I let myself absorb this information. "And… Jude?" I ask quietly. "He is with grandma Sharon right now." Lena informs me, and I feel instantly guilty. He shouldn't have had to have his life upended because of my actions.
"He's ok?" I check, needing to know. "Of course, honey. Mom and I have made sure to spend a lot of time with him. He was worried for you; we all were. But he is okay. I know he's going to be really happy to see you." She confirms.
"He's home?" I ask, heart in my throat. "No, no. He's not. I just mean once everything is settled, he will be happy to see you." She explains. I release a breath. I feel awful for being relieved that none of them are at the house, but I'm just not ready. Talk about a shitty sister.
A tear falls onto my cheek, and I try to brush it away before anyone notices. Stef stands up, and I know she saw. She crouches beside my bed, getting eye-level with me.
"What is it, sweets?" Her voice is soft, and it makes my tears flow faster. I shake my head, unsure how to voice what I'm feeling; unsure what I am even feeling.
"Do you want him to be home?" She asks gently. "No!" My answer is too quick, too sure. "I'm sorry." I say immediately, overwhelmed with guilt. "I love him." I rasp out, covering my face with my hands, allowing myself to cry.
"Oh, sweets. You don't need to apologize, and we didn't question your love for him for a second. Your brother is okay, and momma and I will make sure he stays that way. It is okay if you need time, Callie." She speaks to me with a kindness I don't deserve, and more emotions bubble up within' me.
"I want you to focus on yourself for once, love, without feeling guilty. Whatever you need is what we will do. You don't need to feel overwhelmed. There is no pressure, nobody is going to be upset with you. We've got several weeks to get settled in more, okay?" She reaches for my hand, taking it gently in her own. Lena is beside me now as well, rubbing circles on my arm.
I still feel guilty, worried that they will think I'm an awful person for not wanting my siblings around. "I- I just." I sniffle, trying to catch my breath. "Am weak." I try to explain, but it doesn't come out as I intend. I'm used to being the protector of my siblings; the tough one. Now, I'm nothing like myself. I'm vulnerable, weak, and incapable. This is the version of myself I have always protected Jude from. But right now, I don't have the ability to hide it.
"Honey, you are not weak." Lena says strongly. "There's a lot to process right now, and that's okay. We aren't going to bombard you with anything. When we go home, it will just be you, me, and mom until you are ready. Okay?" There is nothing but honesty and love in their eyes. I nod. "Okay." I accept, my voice shaking.
An hour later, a nurse comes in pushing a wheelchair. "You're just about ready to go home, Callie! We are going to get one last set of vitals on you, get your weight, and then you are free to go." She states happily. I wait impatiently for the blood pressure cuff to do its thing while the nurse brings over a scale. I'm anxious to get out of this place.
"Alright, we're going to help you off the bed, you're going to stand on the scale, and then we will have you sit down in the wheelchair so you can go home." The nurse explains. "Can walk." I state, not actually positive that I can, but tired of feeling vulnerable.
"Nu uh," Stef corrects gently. "Doctors orders, love. You want to go home, you've gotta take your freedom ride in the wheelchair." I feel unexplainably crushed by this, and my face must reflect my disappointment.
"Hey." Stef catches my gaze. "You can walk when we are home, okay? We will help you." She reassures. I nod. The nurse carefully disconnects the wires and tubing from me before gently pulling out my IV. "Perfect. Lets get you on the scale, now." She lets Stef and lena step in, helping me carefully off the bed in much the same manner as before.
I step onto the scale, wobbling a bit. The nurse adjusts it, then writes it down, frowning. I don't like her reaction, but I don't dare question anything, worried that if I bring something up, they won't let me go home.
I step off the scale, and Lena helps me sit down in the wheelchair. "Alright, Callie. We wish you the best! Take care." The nurse says as we grab our things to go. "Thanks." I mumble, embarrassed. Stef pushes me out of the room, and quickly we are making our way to the first floor; just like last time. This time, though, we aren't going back. For that, I'm exceptionally thankful.