Learning to Fly

by AmbiguousTardigrade

Dedicate my life to Humanity and eradicate those damn titans; that is all I have ever cared about. Nothing was more important than serving in the Recon Corps and fighting to secure our future and freedom. Until one day it wasn't, and now I have to deal with the consequences, and all the struggle that goes with it. Levi x OC Levi POV

26. Taking Chances (Part 1)

Chapter 24:

Taking Chances (Part 1)

"Take a seat."

I don't know why he even bothers making the offer anymore when he knows that I pretty much do whatever the hell I feel like, but I guess professionalism is so ingrained into his being that he can't help it, even after all these years.

He always was a proper man, strong willed and unwaveringly calm in the face of adversity, like he was born to be a leader of soldiers. Such level demeanor has never faltered, and it is that same level façade that I'm greeted with now as I silently obey his order and take a seat on the wooden chair by his desk.

Just like mine, Erwin's office is impeccably clean and free of unnecessary clutter, though the amount of files, documents and other paperwork he keeps neatly piled on the floor and any other flat surface far surpasses the amount I'll ever have to deal with. There really isn't much going for it; just a few cabinets, chairs, a desk and a lamp, there isn't even any sort of decorations on the walls, but I busy myself looking about the room in utter boredom while Erwin takes his own seat behind his desk.

It's quiet, and I can feel him studying me, analyzing the situation before, after a few more moments of silence, he speaks.

"You know why I brought you here." He begins.

At his voice I grudgingly turn my attention toward him, unsurprised to see him with his blue eyes fixed upon me with his hands folded neatly upon his desk. His skill with keeping his face unreadable is as good as my own, and though I've known this man for years and I put all my faith and trust into his leadership, I am no better off than Hanji or any other soldier in figuring out what is going on in that blonde haired head of his.

'Always such a damn stiff…' I mentally comment before I lean back in my seat, fold my arms across my chest, and answer him in the most bland voice possible.

"Because you took an impressive shit and you want to tell me about it." I state flatly, leveling my bored gaze onto his in the hopes of seeing SOMETHING, but as always my crude comment does not faze him and Erwin merely continues.

"I was informed of an incident that happened yesterday evening involving you." He elaborates calmly, taking in my form. "Would you care to explain?"

"What is there to explain?" I curtly answer, unmoving. "You obviously already heard, so why bother asking me?"

"I wish to hear about the situation and the reasoning behind your actions from you."

"Well if you know about it then you can probably guess as to why I did what I did."

"I do, but I still wish to hear your part."

"What for? You know I really do hate repeating myself, Erwin…"

"I'm not here to argue with you, Levi."

At this Erwin's eyes sharpen just the slightest amount.

"I have a perfectly good soldier who is now stuck in the infirmary in terrible condition because you felt the need to take matters into your own hands instead of alerting me to the situation first." He states, and though he is impossibly calm I can detect a shadow of something close to exasperation lingering in his voice. "You may have command over our soldiers, but your authority does not permit you to exact physical action against subordinates. You know just as well as I that such behavior is unprofessional and demands official repercussion…"

"So you're here to punish me."

There is no accusation in my voice, only blunt acceptance, and after a tense moment Erwin inclines his head.

"In short, yes, depending on what reason you tell me to explain why you assaulted Cadet James Tucker so savagely. Your explanation will determine the severity of your penalty."

"Tch."

A shadow of annoyance pricks me, and though I'm certain it shows upon my features, Erwin neither comments upon it nor grows aggravated in return. In all honesty, it isn't the impending punishment that irks me so much as it is the fact that such an action is being taken over that useless bastard Tucker.

'Should have forbidden him from going to the infirmary. It figures the damn asswipe would go and cower in his bed surrounded by nurses to baby him back to health.'

I almost regret not snapping his neck and just being done with it.

Erwin is a patient man, saying nothing as silence permeates between us as I try to gather words. But after I while I eventually let out an irritated grunt and glare out his open office window.

"It had come to my attention over the past several months that there was suspicious activity happening between Tucker and one of my subordinates. " I begin, "I didn't know exactly what, but from what I witnessed her attitude, mannerisms, and general demeanor began to alter over time, though I refrained from intervening. Yesterday while returning to my office after delivering reports to you, I saw Tucker and his group of dimwitted friends and overheard word that things had been cut off between Tucker and my subordinate. Since she had been in a pretty shitty state beforehand, I pressured Tucker to tell me where she was, and even though the idiot didn't help I eventually found her. Once I did, she insinuated to me that Tucker had been mistreating her with hints toward physical, even sexual, abuse. From there you can guess the rest."

Even in the middle of explaining a hotness sears me. Just recalling the incident is enough for a minute bubble of rage to quicken in my chest, but I do well to stifle it. Now is not the time to get worked up, and Tucker already got what he deserved, so instead of bowing toward my naturally brutal tendencies I keep my gaze locked upon the slow moving clouds floating from the square confines of Erwin's office window.

Erwin takes a good moment to consider my words, his gaze never leaving me, and his stature is oddly still.

"Tucker assaulted one of your soldiers."

"Probably."

"What evidence do you have?"

My frown deepens.

"There is bruising about her neck from where I can only assume he tried to choke her. Even Tucker himself stated that he 'snapped' ." I sneer, "I never saw him actually hit her, but I don't need to. His shifty, douche-faced personality is enough."

"You know personal grudges do not validate offenses." Erwin states simply, his voice is calm and leans back in his chair. "But I also feel that your feelings are not misguided."

At this my eyes lazily slide to him, and he contemplates me back.

"Though often brutish, I trust your judgment, so I will see to it that this matter is investigated thoroughly and Tucker is officially interrogated." He eventually continues, and I feel a great satisfaction at his decision.

"Good. You know I don't have much patience for this kind of thing."

Erwin nods.

"I do, though there is one thing you have conveniently left out of your explanation…" he says, and my scowl deepens the slightest amount. "Who is the woman Tucker was assaulting?"

I don't know why, but I find it difficult to bring myself to answer him. I feel oddly protective, as if not mentioning her will somehow protect her in some unrealistic way, but more than anything I feel wary. I have no way of knowing if Erwin has an inkling of what kind of relationship we have, and I hesitate to mention anything of it in anticipation of negative attention, especially after the events of the previous day. However I know that I can't keep my silence and, after a tense second of unexpected hesitation, I force myself to speak.

"Avian Conner."

Oddly Erwin doesn't look surprised and merely leans forward and rests his folded hands upon his desk again.

"I see. I assumed as much. Most all conflict within the army is usually in relation to either her or Eren in some way. Unfortunately for you, it means a great deal of trouble and extra work. Having two shifters under your command is quite a strain I imagine."

I scoff.

"You speak as if you believe I can't handle my own soldiers. "

"I know better than anyone that you are more than capable of commanding them." Erwin answers, and his eyes take on a hardness to them. "However, I couldn't help but notice that the strain of missions, leading your own personal squad, as well as tending to Jaeger and Conner seem to be weighing on you, Conner especially. I still haven't forgotten the incident between you and her last December."

Silence falls again, anticipating and investigating, and I take the quiet moment to ponder over just what the hell Erwin is trying to get at.

'Don't tell me he's thinking of removing her from my command?'

It's stupid and pointless; where else would she go aside from Gauche? Besides, I have a hard time believing that the higher-ups would let such a thing pass. I am the strongest soldier humanity has, and I'm the only one who is skilled enough to be entrusted with taking down a berserk titan shifter if need be. Yet here he is singling Avian out and bringing up that old ass fight that doesn't even matter anymore.

'He can't be serious.'

I want to believe it isn't, and the majority of my mind already does, yet as I look at him his expression is completely devoid of any type of hint or inclination as to what he is thinking and a seed of doubt sits in my chest.

Without much reason, tension seizes me.

Another silence spans between us, much longer than the others in which we consider each other, two men trying to decipher the thoughts of the other in front of them. It's static, almost stifling, yet neither of us gives in. It's a wordless confrontation of composed, unreadable expression filled with soundless debate that seems to stretch on for hours though I know it only to be a short moment in time.

Heartbeats tick by, pounding lightly against my ribs, both wary and curious as to what Erwin is planning until, after heavy studying, he eventually breaks the quiet.

"The reports, have you read them yet?"

Without any other explanation I know exactly what it is he is about to address, and instinctively my face sharpens.

"Yes." I reply stiffly, half wondering as to why this is relevant to our conversation.

Erwin's own face hardens as well.

"Then you already know."

"I do." I reply curtly, frustration adding a slight growl to my words. "Those damn military pigs must have nothing better to do than sabotage our efforts, the cowardly bastards. They've done some pretty shitty stuff, but this… Darius can't be seriously considering going along with such a proposal."

Erwin's blinks, completely still.

"It seems that he is."

"That's a load of shit!"

Anger boils in me, and I sneer in such disgust that I'm surprised Erwin can stay so composed.

"We've dealt with their constant heckling and annoyingly persistent desire to discredit our efforts, but disbandment!? After all the hell we've been through trying to retake Wall Maria for their sorry asses! We retook Trost! Sealed Wall Rose! Cleared out Shiganshina and sealed the breaches! Fuck, we're about to finish taking back fucking WALL MARIA. Does none of that matter to them!?"

It is rare for me to lose my composure like this, but rage sings me so heatedly that I couldn't give a shit even if I tried. I'm aware of nothing more than the clenching in my fists, the unfailing façade of Erwin, and my own features contorting into a look of fury.

"My men did NOT die just so we can stay cooped up behind these damn walls without knowing what true freedom tastes like! How the hell are we supposed to defeat the titans if they disband the Corps and take all of our fucking funding!?"

Erwin's voice is impossibly calm, and his blue eyes are ice against my burning anger.

"It's simple, Levi. They aren't concerned about the titans."

At this his blond haired head finally shifts and he gazes down at his desk, continuing in a low, stern voice.

"There has been talk amongst Darius Zackly and others, and they've made it abundantly clear that their main concern is relocating all the Wall Maria refugees, nothing more. As you can assume, that will be a massive undertaking that will take many months, possibly years, to accomplish. As it stands right now, if such a operation is to succeed, a great sum of money as well as supplies and manpower will be needed to fuel its progress at a respectable rate. Alone, the Military Police lack both the necessary funds as well as the people needed. They've already begun collaborating with Dot Pixis on the notion of borrowing a force compromised of Garrison soldiers to help with the rebuilding and relocation aspects of the operation, and while the Garrison have plenty of soldiers to spare, for something of this scale any extra set of hands is highly valuable. With that in mind, it should come as no surprise to you that the MP will wish to commandeer as much funding and assistance as possible."

"I don't give a shit. They can mess with the Garrison as much as they want, the lazy asses don't do much of anything anyway aside from pissing off the Wall, but to go and pull something like this… When is Darius going to decide?"

"Once Maria is completely eradicated, possibly early into the new year."

'So soon…'

My mood darkens, and I continue to glare at my commander. Though distracted by barely suppressed frustration, I still have enough restraint to ponder over just why Erwin is bringing this up now, and I do not hesitate to voice my confusion. In response Erwin once again centers his eyes on me.

"I brought it up because your impulsive actions from yesterday, as well as future actions, will more than likely help determine Darius' decision."

Confusion must show on my face for Erwin continues without waiting for my reply.

"We are walking a tight wire, Levi. You know Nile will take anything he can use in an argument against us, this included. Inner conflict is as good of a reason for disbandment as any. Rash actions like yours will only fuel his argument that we are incapable of performing our duties adequately. In light of this, I must ask you to take the fate of the Corps into consideration before going and putting a perfectly healthy soldier into the infirmary. I believe your actions to be valid and justified given the evidence and reasoning you've told me, but despite that I have no choice but to condone them. The fate of our army, the one hope for humanity, is our most important issue right now, and at this particular time I fear your brash attitude will only do harm upon our case. I know you, Levi, and I know that you do not take this lightly, so I will abstain from assigning you a punishment in favor of giving you a verbal warning. But know… if such a thing happens again I won't hesitate to instate severe repercussions for your lack of discipline."

Erwin means the best, he always does, and he is not afraid to take whatever course of action necessary to insure the best possible chance for humanity to progress in its battle against the titans, up to and including reprimanding his own soldiers. That is one of the traits I most respect from him; his utter devotion to his purpose. Steady, unwavering, confidently pushing onward despite whatever consequence must be paid, and it is that very same devotion that fuels his words, and though I know at the heart of his lecture he is severely reprimanding me for my reckless actions regarding Tucker, I am not angered. This is Erwin Smith, the thirteenth Commander of the Recon Corps, sworn to devote and give his life for the sole goal of heading humanity's rebellion against our monstrous enemy. Every word from his mouth is fueled by nothing but that one mission, and just as he has made it his life's mission to fight with everything he has against the titans, I've made it mine as well.

"I understand." I reply simply to him, and just for a short instant I let my cold façade fall and I regard him with a calm, respectful gaze. "But just so you know… you're the only person who can keep me from wringing the neck of one of these dumbass brats."

I was being dead serious, but a slight grin crosses Erwin's face.

"I see, well I'm glad to know that you at least listen to someone aside from your own pragmatic thoughts." He casually jibes, but just as quickly as it came his jesting expression disappears and he once again returns to his usual professional-esk demeanor. "Levi…"

It's odd just how quickly weight can come to his voice, and the level of hidden gravity to it catches my interest. For what seems like the hundredth time our eyes lock and he considers me for a few silent moments before completing his thought.

"… I know you are aware of just where your position is in this army, but I feel like I must remind you…"

At this Erwin leans forward and freezes me in place with an icy stare.

"Of all the soldiers in our disposal, as well as the Garrison and even the Military Police, YOU are the one humanity has pitted their hopes and desires on to. You are as much of a figurehead, a symbol of hope, as you are a soldier. People are always watching you, from the civilians all the way up to the royal court. We as an army have a level of reputation to maintain, an image we must uphold as best we can, and as the figurehead of our branch, such a responsibility falls as heavily upon you as it does me, and unfortunately it does not leave much room for personal freedom. In the eyes of the populace, your devotion to humanity must be unwavering and unquestionable; and actions that may threaten that image pose a huge problem for us, not only in the eyes of the MP who will use it against us, but also in the eyes of the people of whom we are fighting for. Above all else, eradicating the titans and defending humanity must be your one and only purpose. All other pursuits are merely distractions and must be pushed aside for the sake our mission."

The air is almost tangible, as thick as it is with magnitude.

"I do not know what your relationship with Conner is," he continues gravely, "but I feel that it is in danger of compromising your commitment to humanity. I do not believe it is coming toward this, but I must reiterate: Relationships between cadets and their superior officers is illicit and strictly prohibited. I implore you to take whatever course of action necessary to insure that this does not happen. If I sense that your behavior has not recovered and I believe Conner to be the cause, I will revoke your authority over her and give Gauche Kurobari full command over her welfare."

Without reason my chest contracts and a sick feeling of dread overcomes me. I have no doubt in my mind that Erwin would not hesitate to follow through with his threat, and I'm struck by the great amount of apprehension that clamps me in an iron vice.

'I don't want to lose her.'

It's so idiotic, so childishly stupid this desire I have, but… I just got her back. Yesterday… yesterday was the first time Avian and I had spoken in months, and that short conversation we had…

'I just got her back. I don't want to lose her again.'

Of course I don't. This odd attachment I feel in my deepest being begets nothing from me other than an almost unstoppable desire to keep her close. For her to go anywhere else is just out of the question. But yet…

'Erwin is right.'

Despite my deep desire and my resentment toward his accusation, as much as I hate it all, he speaks nothing but truth. Ever since the beginning of this year after Shiganshina, and even before then, Avian has done nothing more than distract me from my mission. After our initial fight where she called me out on my bullshit, I concerned myself with nothing else except making her life a living hell. After that, when she saved my life, my thoughts became consumed by her, noticing her every movement, my attention automatically seeking her out like she was some sort of beacon. And most recently… torturous thoughts of her with Tucker plagued me….

I hate to admit, but Erwin is dead right; Avian IS compromising my commitment, and as a soldier, as a LEADER of soldiers, that just cannot stand. NOTHING must come in between me and my mission. There must be no hesitation, no distractions, no other commitments. My life is for humanity and humanity alone. How many times has Erwin told me the reason why he never married? It's been too many to count, but each time sticks out in my mind's eye as prominent as the last.

He never married because then his concerns would change. Humanity would not be his number one concern any more. His devotion to his people would be marred by his devotion to some woman, and in this line of work where your life can be lost at any time, where your fighting strength is directly derived from the strength of your dedication, there just isn't room for a soldier to have more than one commitment.

It's either humanity or her, and given my station and just what I as a soldier represent, not only within our own army but to humanity as a whole… I really don't have a choice.

I can't be a soldier and love Avian at the same time. I have to choose one or the other.

But I really don't have a choice. Thanks to the title I carry, my choice has already been made for me.

'I'm a soldier before anything else, through to my core. Humanity MUST come first.'

Acid burns my throat but I do well to keep my expression flat as I hold Erwin's steady gaze. He waits, expecting, and before long I swallow the heat festering in me and lift my head.

"Fine." I reply to him after what feels like ages, and Erwin answers with a curt nod.

"Good. I apologize for putting you on the block like this, but it needed to be done. You've done well serving us these past few years, so it is to be expected that you might waver after such a long time, However, our lives are not our own. The moment we first bore the Wings of Freedom upon our backs we forfeited our lives in favor of an existence lived solely on the battlefield. To die willingly for the advancement of mankind is our only goal; nothing must come in the way of that. You care for your soldiers deeply, such a trait is greatly admirable, but there must be a fine line for you to keep. Personal attachment will only make their deaths more painful, so it is only best that a level of professionalism is maintained to keep yourself from becoming too close. You are a leader of soldiers, Levi, so you must act like one, do I make myself clear?"

I could be made of stone for as rigid my body is with steely resolve.

"Perfectly." I agree, my gaze naturally hardening in response to this new resolution. "You almost insult me. You really think I would let something as meaningless as attachment distract me? You must be getting senile in your old age if you believe that."

Erwin makes no move, irritatingly composed.

"It's just a formality, nothing more." He assures, hands still resting together upon his desk. "But if there is nothing else of which you wish to discuss, then you are dismissed."

I opt to not reply and simply rise from my chair, give him a courteous nod, and exit. His office door clicks with an echo within a hollow hallway, my steps following suit, and as I quietly make my way from the top floor down to where my own office waits, my insides feel just as empty as the building around me.

I don't know how I feel exactly; I knew it would come to this, yet being called aside by Erwin of all people caught me slightly off guard and despite myself my mind ponders over our conversation.

I hate every bit of it. All he did was waste my time telling me what I already know.

But above the irritation that itches my insides, another more prominent sensation occupies me, feeling more like a cold, heavy weight sitting somewhere in my ribs than an actual, living emotion. It is the weight that bothers me the most.

'How bothersome.' I muse, scowling at nothing as I begin making my way down stone stairs to the third floor of the Recon Office building toward my office. 'These damn emotions annoy the hell out of me. I feel like some shitty brat that just got scolded by his mother.'

But in reality, didn't I need that scolding? Isn't Erwin justified in his suspicion of me? I loathe to admit, but I'm slipping. For years serving him and fighting for humanity have been my only goals, my only purpose , but somehow my determined devotion has shifted and I've no one to blame but myself.

In my mind's eye a glowing amber sky comes into view, clouds nothing but golden wisps on the wind, and from my peripheral a very familiar body sits with her knees drawn up to her chest. Automatically tightness closes around my ribs, and I'm stuck just looking at her. What the hell is wrong with me? Avian is just another woman, just another soldier within an entire army. There are thousands of others just like her, none of which have even come close to attracting my attention. If anything, the women who hound at my feet with sparkling eyes and gaping mouths are fucking annoying and deserve to be stabbed in the chest for their blind admiration. They don't even know me, and I know very well that if any of them ever knew me, TRULY knew me, they'd hate my guts, which is perfectly fine by me. I couldn't give a shit. They're just nameless people to me, just another face in the crowd. Avian is no different.

Except that she is, and it pisses me off.

She is so unlike all those nameless admirers who idolize Humanity's Strongest out of pure faith and nothing more. She is unlike soldiers within the Corps who at one time looked up to me but then were put off by my cold nature and began to keep their distance. She is unlike those such as Hanji and Petra who, despite my pissy demeanor, have come to understand me in a way and still respect my authority and orders.

For the longest time, those two were the closest anyone had come to seeing who I really am beneath the stony mask I must wear for the sake of the army. They've seen me both on and off the battlefield, both calm and enraged, both content and annoyed, yet despite their best efforts neither of them were able to fully work around the wall I had built around my damaged soul. They have only seen the sides of me that I didn't mind showing.

With Avian… she's different.

Somehow she's managed to see me in ways that no other has. No one aside from her has seen me break down like she has, has seen me at my most sadistic. The rage after finding out there was nothing in Shiganshina, and the cruelty that so easily came out of me when punishing Tucker for what he did, none of it has been seen by anyone until then. She's seen my wrath, my brutality, yet none of it fazed her like it should have. Others would have looked away, or been disgusted or off put, but not her. She… just sees me; not the former thug turned soldier that Hanji sees, not the esteemed 'leader of the soldiers' that Petra knows, not the cold-hearted Corporal cadets quiver underneath. With Avian, she doesn't see what others see, she doesn't understand the emotional wall that I spent years building up because, to her, there was no wall to begin with.

Why would there be? All she's ever known is family. She grew up with only her parents and brothers for company, maturing to love and treat them as any family member would without exposure to anyone else outside of that family. She never knew strangers, never knew relatives or friends or comrades, just family. So it should only be expected, when the time finally came to where she met people outside of the four she'd known all her life, for her to regard them the only way she knew how. To her social class, economical status, political standing, leadership ranking… none of that exists. She just sees people without noticing any of the unspoken clicks, groups and factions that society places upon individuals.

Perhaps that is why she affects me so. She's the only one who knows me outside of all these things. Soldiers know me because I lead them, and villagers know me because of the title I carry. Every person inside these damn walls knows about me, knows that I'm a leader, the strongest soldier humanity has probably ever known, and thus have already made assumptions about me based solely upon those trivial things.

That's why people are always disappointed when they DO get to know me. All they've ever heard are these exaggerated stories about a fearless man who counts for an entire legion of soldiers just by himself, and so when the time finally comes and we meet face to face, their heart falls because I'm not the heroic, gallant idol they expected.

But not her. Avian never knew me when we first met, never knew of the title I carry, of the reputation I have. When we met, I was just a stranger, nothing more. Her vision about me was unmarred by predetermined assumptions, allowing her the rare opportunity to know me as a simple man before knowing me as a soldier.

And from what I can tell, a man is all that she's ever seen when she looks at me. She makes it clear all the time that she doesn't understand nor care about the chain of command, regarding everyone on the same level as herself. She never acts superior to younger, new cadets, and doesn't kiss ass or stiffen up around her own superiors such as myself. To her, people are just people… even me.

To her I'm not 'Humanity's Strongest', I'm not Lance Corporal of the Recon Corps, I'm not Captain of the Special Operations Squad, I'm just Levi. Though she was forced to call me by my title her entire service thus far, she's never looked at me as just her Corporal. She never acts differently around me than she does with others, she never holds back her tongue just because I'm her superior. She has complete disregard for military protocol, and somewhere deep, deep inside… I'm thankful for it.

But it has to stop.

That sort of independence, that sort of… audacity, has no place here. This is the military, a home for fighters, soldiers, warriors. None who serve here should accept anything less than absolute perfection, nothing less than complete discipline, and that Conner… She is the worst of all.

She places no value on the protocol Erwin expects us to upkeep. Her behavior is completely unacceptable, acting more like a hapless citizen than a proud soldier for humanity. None of us are here to make friends. We are here to train, to fight, to die, not get all buddy-buddy with our comrades who can be killed in an instant. It benefits no one, getting that attached to those around you. Conner is a naïve dumbass for doing so.

'Idiot.'

I can almost hear the displeased sneer emanating from my thoughts, and since there is no one else around as I make my way alone down a stony corridor, I harden my gaze at the path ahead in earnest.

'Stupid. She is utterly, fucking stupid. She KNOWS that she doesn't behave up to protocol, and she KNOWS that building personal relationships is foolhardy and useless, yet she does it anyway! All of the 104th cadets are guilty of such weakness, but SHE is by far the worst offender. At least her PEERS know how to function and act around their commanding officers and shut the fuck up. But not Conner, oh nooooo…. She's the fucking 'special' one. Not only does she not uphold correct demeanor while addressing my subordinates, who are also her superiors in both length of service as well as experience, but she refuses to acknowledge ME and MY rank.'

With each word, Erwin's lecture sinks in further and indignation grows.

'The shitty brat, how dare she have the balls to speak to me as if we're friends or some dumb bullshit like that. I've been too lax, too concerned with other distractions, and now I'm paying the price for it. I've allowed her to enter and leave my presence without giving me proper salute as every soldier should do, allowed her to assist me with confidential paperwork, allowed her to engage me in meaningless conversation. I've let her, a mere cadet, tend to my wounds instead of letting a properly trained medic assist me. I've let her publicly ridicule me in front of the whole damn legion. I've let her see me break down in a fit of uncontrollable rage that is utterly out of line with the image I must uphold, TWICE. I've even given her permission to use my fucking name! What the hell is wrong with me?'

Sneering further, I growl and run a hand through my hair in an act of useless frustration.

"I've fucking lost my damn mind…" I mutter. "I don't know what the hell has happened to me. And it's bad enough that even Erwin noticed it."

I'm losing it, and I fucking hate it. I've NEVER been like this, felt like this, it's driving me insane, and deep in my mind I know that it's Conner to blame.

'This has to end. NOW.' I resolve. 'Whatever the hell has formed between that cadet and I needs to stop. I've let it get way out of hand, I've delved to deep. I can't let it go on. Nothing must get in the way of my mission. NOTHING.'

Echoing steps accompany me on my determined trek, and with each step my mind is more made up.

"No more." I state to myself as an unassuming wooden door, just like all the rest, comes into view. "I've got more important shit to do than waste my time doting some useless recruit."

I feel and say nothing more when I finally arrive, though for a quick, heartbeat of a moment when my hand touches the door knob, I hesitate. It's so fast, that moment of abrupt indecision that I almost don't notice it, but I pay it no mind. Instead I draw my hand once more through my bangs, to comb through them and push them back into place more than anything, and with a slight, inaudible sigh, I enter the room and shut the door.

"Good morning, Levi!"

Instinctively my head snaps right, toward the unexpected noise, and when my gaze locks onto the source of the greeting it takes me a good second to register who it is.

I'm not startled, or even caught off guard really, but I can't help but glance with mild interest at the pair of blue eyes staring at me from in between two dangling locks of ginger bangs. Before I can move Avian, clothed in full uniform aside from the white kerchief tying her hair into place, breaks her smile just long enough to speak.

"I know tis early," she begins from where she stands atop a stool beside one of my bookcases, duster still in hand, "and I'm aware that you do not allow soldiers into your study without consent, but I wished to make known my appreciation for what you did yesterday, and to begin to atone for my absence these past months."

I know I need to speak, but for some strange reason my mouth is silent. A curious… something… holds me fast, unwavering with hardened gaze and set jaw, yet even with that solid tenacity I fail in forcing myself to reply. In the quiet that follows, and in what I can only assume to be acute self-consciousness, Avian focuses her eyes to the floor, hand playing with the wooden pendant about her neck, and continues.

"I came by earlier this morning, just after dawn, but you were absent." She explains. "I was fine with waiting for your return, but Hanji, who must have spent all night in her own office working, heard me outside and, when I informed her that I wished to clean your office in appreciation, she let me inside. I apologize if that displeases you, but I swear to you that I have not compromised any of your paperwork or legal documents. All I have done is dust, and since I know that dusting pushes filth onto the floor, I shall sweep and mop in here as well, and I'll polish your furnishings if you wish it. I understand very well the level of cleanliness you rigorously upkeep, so I've done my best to tidy just the way you like it."

The last of Avian's explanation comes out in a rush, and I can tell by the tone of her voice that a part of her expects a reprimand. She's right in knowing that I absolutely loath others roaming my quarters without expressed permission, and it's completely understandable for her to expect a harsh scolding on my part for going against my wishes, even if her actions are well mannered, but just as it is with my voice, my typical irritation just doesn't come.

It's funny; there are so many things that get on my nerves, that can set me off in a split second and have me curse lower ranked soldiers into the ground with shame and fear, yet for some unexplainable reason I just don't get that way with Avian. Not anymore at least. It's stupid and ridiculous, the fact that there are certain things that she can get away with that other soldiers normally wouldn't even dare to do. I know I should be fuming at her for blatantly disregarding my privacy, I mean what the actual fuck…. A mere cadet rifling through a commanding officer's study without permission, that should be grounds for severe punishment: a hundred laps around the training grounds, PLUS revoked dinner and leisure time privileges at the very least. But when I look at her, her fingers fumbling with her necklace out of nervous habit, her ginger head bowed in expectance of strict backlash, I feel…. at ease.

I'm not mad. I'm not even irritated. Though my steely gaze is narrowed as it always is and my features are set, there is not an ounce of anger to be found in me. More than anything, I'm intrigued at the fact that this woman bothered to get up at dawn and set aside her own personal errands just to do me a favor in appreciation for something that wasn't even that big of a deal in the first place.

It's confusing, this befuddling emotion inside me, still foreign to me even after all this time. Despite that, however, I know that I need to do something, I need to rebuke her. This kind of behavior should not be tolerated. This is exactly the kind of thing that needs to stop, this leisure she has around me as if we're anything more than corporal and soldier. It's disrespectful, unprofessional, and completely out of bounds from how a normal, properly disciplined cadet should behave.

Firm resolve hardens my core, determination to forcibly return things to the way they SHOULD have been, should have ALWAYS been, and my voice cuts the air like a knife.

"Conner."

My order is firm and grim, and I'm fully set on ending this foolishness once and for all, but when Avian lifts her eyes and her gaze lands upon mine, all that inner strength and purpose I once had just seems to wither away.

'Fuck me!'

My curse rings loud and clear in my mind, a sharp rebuke to my own weakness, but no matter how hard I try with her staring at me, waiting, my scold gets caught in my throat. I don't understand, I know what I need to do, I know what I need to say, yet I can't seem to bring myself to act upon it. She shouldn't be here, I don't give a damn if Hanji knew and let her in, this is not acceptable! We aren't friends! She needs to stop acting as if there is something else to be had between us!

But there is, of course there is; I'm just too weak to fight it. I know what I need to do, I had it in my mind not but a moment before. Yet when I look at her, short despite standing on a stool with hair held back in a clean kerchief that I know automatically to be one of my own, it's as if the talk I had with Erwin not but a moment before never even happened. Honestly, I don't mind that she entered my office without permission, that she borrowed one of my kerchiefs so she could clean without getting her beautiful hair dirty. All in all, I don't mind the fact that she treats me like she does everyone else, like a regular person. She's the first one to really do so, more than Petra and even Hanji. A certain level of distance, of mandated professionalism grown from years of fighting side by side exists between those two and I, but with Avian… with her… that distance was never there to begin with… not in her eyes.

My mind is full of wandering musings so unlike me, yet I do not fight them. Instead of feeling irritation, my chest tightens just the slightest amount and my eyes seem to want to memorize her face; round and spotted with freckles in a way that makes her look like a child though her eyes claim otherwise, and overflowing with a depth of character that I'm sure I've only just begun to scratch the surface.

Offhandedly, I can't help but notice the way her bangs frame her face and how her kerchief adds a strange bit of charm that I can neither comprehend nor explain.

'It's almost… cute.'

Instantly heat rises inside me and I grimace at my sudden thought.

'What the hell am I thinking!? I'm supposed to be here disciplining her, not appreciating her features like some damned, starry eyed kid! Pull yourself together!'

I try to collect myself as best I can, but the damage has already been done, and my conviction from earlier is completely shot. Instead of calm confidence I'm now just a standing beacon of colliding desires and conflicting emotions that's confusing and infuriating at the same time.

I swear my emotionless expression hasn't changed, but something in my eyes must betray me for Avian frowns slightly and focuses on me in question.

"Levi?" her voice asks softly, investigating with a hint of concern.

I can't, I just can't, not any more. My entire being is flustered, and her saying my name that way doesn't help either. I'm just not myself today, that's all. I'll hold off and speak to her about her behavior another time when I'm feeling less shitty.

Mind made up, I force myself to divert my eyes from hers and determinedly hide my agitation behind a wall of livid irritation.

"You've cleaned your best you say?" I growl, giving my attention to the bookcase behind Avian which she was in the middle of wiping down.

Before she can answer I stalk over, careful to neither look nor touch her, and I draw a single finger across one of the shelves. Upon inspection, and as I have come to expect, it's completely spotless. I can feel Avian's eyes upon me but I do my best to ignore them and I turn my back to her.

"I want this entire room completely sanitized." I order flatly, making a beeline to my desk a few paces away. "You've neglected your chores for too damn long, and I expect you to make up for it all, and then some. Dust, sweep, mop, and polish every single surface in here. If this place isn't clean enough by the end of the day to where I can use the floor as a mirror if I damn well please, I'll revoke your dinner privileges and make you shovel the snow off every cobblestone walkway in the Corps in nothing but your undergarments and a toboggan, do I make myself clear?"

I could not be more serious in my threat, any more chilling with my voice, but the bright presence behind me doesn't falter.

"Yes, sir!" she calls out behind me, and I don't need to look at her to know of the determination that must show on her face, for I can hear it in her voice. "I'll do my very best with whatever you wish for me to do, I owe you that much at least."

I fight it the entire way to my desk, I even try to zone her out entirely, but the urge I have to respond to her is too strong. Stiff necked, I pause with my fingers draped over hard wood and cast her the sparest of glances over my shoulder, but even that small look is enough cause my chest to start thudding harder than usual.

"I know I messed up before," Avian continues calmly, her lighthearted expression from before now replaced by one of dire gravity, " but know well that it shall never happen again. There are no words that I can conjure that will ever properly conjugate just how grateful I am for you, for what you do. How you continue to tolerate my repeated failures is beyond my understanding, however, I assure you that I'll never forget all that you have done for me."

All I can do is stare at her, listening in hidden wonder to her emboldened words.

"I still remember the oath I made to you all that time ago." She tells me, and her eyes are small pits of blue flame for as intensely they are burning. "I apologize for not upholding it to the degree that I said I would, but no more shall I squander it. I WILL give everything my all, and I WILL repay you for all that you have done."

Her small voice rings in the stony confines of the room about us until it slowly dissipates into nothing. Her meaning and conviction could not be more clear to me, and for a long, tense moment, her words mute us both.

I had totally forgotten about that time, about her making that promise to me when she was nothing but an unrehearsed new recruit. Thinking back upon it, it's strange to see just how far she's come in such a short amount of time. Under normal circumstances soldiers train for three years before being sent off to duty, but in her case it was less than one third of that time. Yet, even with such limited training, she's come much farther than I think anyone ever expected: a soldier who has dedicated her life to saving the lives of her comrades. Even after all she has seen, even after the death of Roda, one of her own squad members, she still finds it in herself to renew her dedication and strive onward. Her loyalty to humanity has not wavered in the slightest.

And to me…

I don't know how I went about my business so easily before, how little her open devotion affected me. It was the same oath I've heard before from others, nothing special about it, but now, hearing it again in her voice, it pulls something. The scene isn't any different from the one back then, with only the two of us, and Avian herself certainly hasn't changed a bit. But there is a difference, only one, key anomaly from before: me.

Avian might not have changed, but somehow, somewhere in the months since then, I have. I can feel it deep within my being, that sort of tightening warmth like an odd type of energy resonating inside. When she first said that she would dedicate her life to me, to be the best soldier she could, I somehow waved it off, but not this time.

This time her words reach farther than just my ears, down through me so deep they lodge themselves into the center of my chest. For as small and weak as she is, there is a certain kind of strength to her, one that isn't physical, but of spirit, and to see her so adamant toward me, so focused on me and me alone…

I soak it up, and greedily wish to keep it all for myself.

'Damn it, there I go again! Shit is ridiculous…'

My mind is so easily distracted by her now, and it's all I can do to turn away with a scowl and take a heavy seat in my chair.

"Start repaying me by shutting up and getting back to cleaning like you were doing." I order, masking myself once again under a veil of irritation. "I've got work to do, and I won't stand to do it while surrounded by filth. Only AFTER you properly do this will we talk."

From the corner of my eye Avian nods, and for a moment I almost swear I see a shadow of a smirk play across her lips.

"Yes, sir!" she answers with a salute, eyes shining bright, and then quick as a flash she returns to her task blissfully unaware that I still watch her in silence.

How is she capable of doing that? Returning to her old routine so quickly after so many months as if nothing ever happened? Perhaps that is her way of putting the past behind her, of moving on. She always was one to avoid conflict as much as possible after all.

Watching her it's like everything is normal, but it's not. Just a few steps away she remains on her stool, straining on the tips of her toes to reach the farthest back region of my bookcase, a scene so familiar that I should long be accustomed to it, yet here I am festering at my desk under a blanket of unwarranted emotion and conflicting desires that makes it feel as if I'm sitting on hot coals.

I'm torn between letting things go about as they are, having us return to how we used to be, and what I know that Erwin and the entire legion of the Recon Corps demands that I do.

It's an awful, agonizing sensation that I wish would stop. Dealing with this problem shouldn't be as difficult as it feels. It's simple: the Corps and my dedication to humanity must come first. It's so easy to say that in my mind, to ponder it, but somewhere along the line between my brain thinking it and my body actually fulfilling the idea the conviction gets lost. Though I wish them too, my limbs don't move like I want, and the words I know I need to say get caught in my throat and replaced by others that have no relevance to the situation in the first place. This uncertain, hesitating difficulty is so unlike me, and it pisses me off.

'Just let it be for now.' I chide myself, and it takes every ounce of strength I have to draw my eyes away from the miniature ginger fussing about my furnishings. 'No point in wasting my time with such a shitty situation. Just concentrate on getting through these inventory reports. I'll deal with the brat later.'

And so the request Erwin gave me slips to the back of my mind, a festering irritation yearning to be resolved, but I'm too unwilling to do so. So, just for today, I put it off.

And put it off.

And put it off.

And put it off.

xXx

Time slips like silk between my fingers; unwavering and tangible when I have a firm clasp upon it, but the moment my grip loosens, even just a miniscule amount, the fabric of it glides coolly through my hands in such a soft, swift motion that I don't even notice it slipping until it's already out of my grasp.

What was supposed to be a single day of buffer turns into two.

Then that two turns into four.

And the four into ten.

Has time always moved this quickly? It feels as if only a day or two has passed since Erwin and I talked, yet somehow a new month has crept upon me, a chilling December, and steadily the days have been eaten away.

It's quiet, dark, and for once I'm glad for the emptiness in my study. The morning is young, the sky still dark with only a thin trickle of dawn peeking over the horizon, and in this calm morning I take advantage on the placid atmosphere and just soak up the silence. The burning fireplace is the only light I have, giving the room a mellow glow just bright enough to see by. Leaning back in my chair, still exhausted from the work I had to stay up to complete only a few hours before, I watch the flames as they dance.

I don't know how I feel today, fatigued mostly, but aside from that… I have no idea. For now, I'm just… here, about to go through another day without really realizing that it is passing.

Without moving I flick my eyes to the small calendar I have on my desk.

December 21st.

It's been weeks now.

And I still haven't told her.

'What is my problem…'

It shouldn't be this hard, it ISN'T hard, yet the difficulty of going through with what I know I need to do is almost stifling. Just what the hell is the big deal? It's not like this is some major, revolutionary ass decision or something. It's as simple as putting my foot down and demanding that idiotic, frustrating woman to stop all her disrespectful, overly friendly bullshit. What irritates me most is that she KNOWS the protocol here, she KNOWS how she is expected to act toward her superiors, she just refuses to listen.

'Perhaps a sound beating is in order. Nothing like agonizing pain to get some proper discipline through her damn skull.'

Even to my own ears my threat sounds flat, and a sudden bout of ache pierces my head. Closing my eyes to try and relieve some of the stress induced pain, I lean back even farther into my chair and concentrate on the crackling sound of the fire.

Our string of missions for the year might have ended a few days ago, but the strain of keeping up with work is still the same. In fact, now that inner Wall Maria has officially been declared clear, paperwork regarding the relocation of the thousands of refugees will begin pouring in and is likely to span over many, many months. Even with the Military Police's help, this operation is going to be a major pain in the ass, and for officers like Hanji, Erwin, and I, there is no relief in sight.

"Fuck."

I know I should go ahead and get my day started already, but having only two hours of sleep after slaving over parchment until 2 a.m., though I'm very well used to such a shitty routine, I just don't feel like giving a damn. My eyes hurt more than usual, exhaustion tugs at my frame, and all of this topped off with strain during the end of the year has all but taken most everything I have. In short, I've run out of fucks to give.

So instead of forcing myself to work I take this rare opportunity to enjoy this brief moment of peace and fall into a half daze of much needed rest.

xXx

All too soon bright sunlight streaming gold bars through my window wakes me, and it takes me a difficult moment to pull myself up and get my mind back into gear. Dawn is in full swing now, the sky full blue and droves of winter birds singing their morning songs just outside the wall. Sighing awake, I busy myself with rebuilding the now dwindled fire, helping it grow into a large, roaring flame in anticipation of whom I know to be coming by very soon, before once again taking a seat behind my desk and grudgingly start shuffling through documents and putting ink to paper.

At around 7 a.m. half my mind automatically points itself toward my office door, already waiting out of established habit and, just as I've come to expect after the past several weeks of the same routine, the soft sound of footsteps come to my ears.

'Pause.'

In my mind I can't help but reiterate the cycle of habit that I've come to memorize, and just as I know her to do, the soft steps pause just outside my door, a second or so of silence for whatever reason she may have, before making a single, solid knock.

"Enter."

I keep my eyes carefully focused on the papers beneath my hands as she enters and closes the door.

'Greeting.'

"Good morning, Levi." Avian states, always so calm even this early in the day, and begins removing the two sizes too big, navy jacket wrapped about her small form. "Before you ask, yes I shook off every last flake of snow before entering. I know how much you abhor it being tracked in."

I do not answer directly, instead making a simple grunt to let her know that I heard, and I keep my focus upon my desk as she walks over and pulls her own chair into place opposite mine. Naturally she moves as close to the fire as possible, because even with her multiple layers of long sleeved shirts and jackets the brat still manages to freeze half to death.

Despite the dreary weather that never fails to keep her bundled up in a cocoon of fabric, Avian is chipper and her face is bright when she once again centers her eyes upon me. Without even trying, my mind's voice mimics hers exactly.

'So, what would you like for me to do for you today?'

"So, what would you like for me to do for you today?" she asks, the same phrase she has said every morning for the past several weeks, and to which I can copy effortlessly.

It's the same ritual every day, though I don't recall when I first started imitating her. She's such a creature of habit, and though I've tried my damn hardest, I've unintentionally come to recognize her routine.

"Levi?"

At my name, I grudgingly raise my eyes to see hers watching me expectantly.

"What."

My voice comes out harsher than expected, but it seems that my tone has long since lost its effect on her ears for Avian ignores it completely and continues on, my mind following along with her.

'Now she'll tilt her head slightly and push her bangs behind her ear.'

"I was just inquiring what it is you wished for me to do today." She answers, pushing her hair back with her fingers just as I knew she would. "Do you still have statistic reports that need to be organized?"

"No."

"What of the new trainee rooming arrangements?"

"No." I repeat, narrowing my aching eyes in annoyance before forcing them back to my work. "All that damn personnel shit was done yesterday."

I have no idea why I'm being so irritable today. I mean, I'm fully aware that I'm pretty much an ass, and I guess the extra stress from closing up the year is a factor as well, but this is pretty ridiculous. It usually takes a few hours at least before I really start to get short tempered.

And from the way I see Avian's gaze slim slightly from the corner of my eye, she's noticed too.

A handful of seconds pass by in silence where I stare at my desk and she stares at me, the woman still standing with chair dragged behind her. After those silent seconds, she speaks.

"What ails you?"

Her voice is genuine, but a force keeps me from answering her. In all honesty I know exactly what my problem is, but for some reason I can't bring myself to admit that it's her that is bothering me the most. Erwin's order still sits in the back of my mind, and though I know stress and lack of sleep isn't helping, it is mainly frustration with myself concerning this shitty woman that has me most frustrated.

I can feel her watching me, doing that strange, uncomfortable thing with her eyes that feels like she's trying to investigate me to find out what it is just under the skin that bothers me. It's unnerving, feeling her gaze try to pierce me to see deeper within, but I hold my ground and refuse to budge under her scrutiny.

Another silence filled pause, then she speaks again.

"Have you had your morning drink yet?"

I naturally frown in response.

"Does it look like I have a cup on my desk?" I retort hotly, both bothered and unbothered by my sharpness.

In my peripheral I watch her lips purse just slightly, a subtle quirk she only does when she wishes to say something but doesn't, and instead of returning my harsh words, she straightens.

"I'll fetch you something then."

She stalks over to the cupboard in the corner of the room to retrieve the tea kettle and cups that lay within, then without another word, she leaves. The moment she is gone a weight I never knew was upon me lifts, and the ghost of a sigh slips through my lips.

'I can hardly function around her anymore.'

It's so strange. I noticed this change in atmosphere almost immediately following Avian returning to assisting me in the morning. On the one hand I'm glad to have her back, not only for her help but also because I missed her presence in general. She was gone for so long when she was with James that to have her back is borderline surreal. I'm thankful for it, thirsty for it even, yet at the same time I absolutely hate it.

The tightness and heat in my chest is worse than it's ever been, and now that I have her back… I've no real idea what to do from here.

Since that day on Wall Rose she's been by my side almost constantly. Outside of personal errands and the last few missions we had to partake in before the end of our campaign, almost everywhere I went she followed. Whether it was making my nightly rounds, delivering reports to Erwin, eating supper in the mess hall… she was always there.

I'm unaccustomed to the constant company, of having someone else there to make comments to or help with trivial tasks. I'm so used to doing everything on my own that I almost wish she'd just go away and leave me be.

Almost.

But the truth is, is that I don't think I can stand having her away from me like that ever again. Those six months she spent with James felt like a restrained hell, the fact that she was so close and yet so far away was torturous. But not anymore. She must have decided in her mind to make up for lost time, and though I know it to be wrong, to be completely against Erwin's wishes, I crave the personal time we have now. It makes me feel strange and tense, having her around, yet I wouldn't trade those moments for anything.

Even now as exhausted and tempered as I am, I wait in patient silence for her to return, if only so I can just watch her and hear her voice.

She's gone a lot longer than I expected, but after about twenty minutes footsteps sound near my door and Avian finally comes back. With practiced ease she carefully sets the tray carrying my personal tea set upon my desk before sliding a simple cream cup toward my hand.

I greedily take of it without giving her spoken thanks and I raise it to my lips, but just before taking a sip I pause. Pulling it away from my face I stare at the warm liquid, noting it's odd color and, when I take a tentative sniff, a strange scent greets me.

"This isn't your normal tea."

"It's ginseng." Avian calmly replies, placing her own cup in front of herself before taking a seat. "It helps with stress."

My gaze hardens on her slightly.

"Who said anything about stress." I state flatly, piercing cool gray into blue.

To my surprise, however, the ginger doesn't wilt under my stare. Instead she matches my gaze with her own, battling ice with calm, and once again I can feel the tingle of her azure orbs seeing past my flesh to investigate the hidden meaning inside.

"You are not as talented with hiding your emotions as you believe yourself to be."

Her voice is so mellow, so soft, yet I feel it twitch something inside of me. I say nothing to her, both of us holding each other's gaze and I'm put off by the amount of understanding I find in hers. She has to be lying. I've spent my whole life perfecting the art of keeping my true motives and emotions hidden behind a mask of cruel indifference, there is no way in hell she can be able to read me so easily. Yet when I stare at her I know that she doesn't lie, and I also know that, somehow, someway, she can see straight through me, for I can feel her piercing into my being far deeper than anyone ever should.

I feel the need to say something to break the silence, but before I can she casts her eyes to the cup in my hands and gives it a small nod.

"Drink." She urges softly before looking back up at me. "It'll help."

At that she finally breaks her eyes away from me for good and takes a small sip from her own steaming brew. For a moment I just watch her, intrigued by her act. There isn't many people who go out of their way to help me, they're usually too afraid I'll bite their heads off if they do, so this act as small as it is catches my attention.

"I didn't ask for this." I speak up, still refusing to enjoy this tonic she made just for me, and Avian shrugs in answer without looking up.

"You don't have to."

I can't seem to take my eyes off her; they are glued to her shimmering hair and glowing face as she focuses on her hands, seemingly completely unaware that I'm still watching her. I don't really know what I'm waiting on, maybe for her to look up and just say she's kidding before she snatches back her gift because I've been snippy this morning. Perhaps I'm expecting her to make a comment about my foul mood, or how I never verbally thank her for anything, but… she never does.

Long seconds tick by with me just waiting for her to do something, but with each passing moment I'm met with nothing but quiet acceptance on her part. She just isn't bothered by my cold demeanor anymore as if she knows there's more to my quick temper and sharp remarks than what I let on.

'Damn woman.'

When it becomes overwhelmingly apparent that I'll get nothing more from her I relent my gaze and, after staring at the drink in my hands one more time, take a sip.

'I'll give her this; she can't make coffee worth shit, but tea…'

I don't know why I'm even surprised anymore, Avian's teas are always delicious, and this one is no exception. Even after a few sips of warmth, a feeling of which I relish highly, I can already feel the ginsang or whatever it's called working it's wonder. Heat and energy seem to revitalize my body almost instantly, and the pain in my eyes is already easing away.

'She sure knows her herbs.' I muse quietly, and I'm thankful for the wave of relaxation that pulls at me.

In the silence of the room and the warmth emanating from the fire a few feet away, a feeling of contentment fills the air. Even with no words spoken I find myself enjoying this time immensely, just sitting and drinking tea with Avian. It's calming, and from the relaxed appearance of her freckled features it looks as if she is enjoying this as much as I am.

A content breath escapes me when I glance at her, and that familiar hint of tightness plays in my chest.

'Thank you.' I manage to think toward her, soaking up the sight of her illuminated by fire light and early morning glow.

Overcome with content I close my eyes for only a moment as I raise my cup to my lips again, but just as it reaches its destination a loud set of feet stop by my door, and in a quick snap my office door slams against the wall.

"GOOOOOD MOOOOOOORNING GRUMPY FACE!"

It takes every ounce of discipline and self control I have to keep from spilling tea all over myself.

"HOWS IT GOING!?" Hanji yells with exuding energy as always, completely covered in a layer of snow, and at her voice every last bit of peace I was just enjoying evaporates in a single, enraged heartbeat.

"Get the fuck out of my office." I spit, instantly more pissed off than I was before.

"Oh don't be like that! It's a beautiful day! It's sad, not even something as beautiful as a crisp winters day can wipe that scowl off your face." The lunatic laughs through a huge grin, eyes glittering at me before they slide to the person sitting in front of me.

At least I was able to control my body when that fucking idiot nearly broke down my door bursting in like she owns the damn place. Unfortunately Avian was not so lucky, a large, wet tea stain now decorating the front of a second jacket, but before she can even begin to clean it up Hanji rushes over and grabs her from behind in a bone crushing, snowflake slinging, hug .

"AVI! I totally forgot you're back to helping short-ass again!" she sings, and from the look on Avian's face she has no idea how to respond to this new energy now grasping her small body. "This is just great! Maybe you can get the guy to actually start enjoying himself a little bit, what with your adorable personality and all, haha!"

"Th…. Thank… you?" the ginger mutters in reply, face kind of squished.

I don't know what the hell that idiot is talking about, but my heated glare never leaves Hanji's face.

"Did you hear what I just said, shitty glasses." I snarl again, finally gaining the woman's attention. "I said get the fuck out."

To my great aggravation Hanji merely smiles back.

"Oh, don't be like that! You know you love my company!"

"I don't know what kind of delusional world you live in to believe that, but do me a favor and stay there so you can leave me the fuck alone."

At my threat Hanji just laughs.

"Temper, temper! You're more irritable than usual." She comments slyly, still clutching poor Avian in her arms, but just as suddenly as she grabbed her, Hanji lets go and slams her hands onto my desk with a loud slap. "But Levi, seriously, the reason I'm here is because I need a HUUUUUUUUUUUUGE favor from you! Can you…"

"No."

My interruption is swift, and for a moment Hanji just stares at my glare before making an awful pouting face.

"You don't even know what I'm going to ask!"

"I don't give a shit." I spout back, determined to cut her in half with my gaze alone. "Whatever the hell it is, the answer is no."

"But I NEEEEEEEEEEEED you to do it for me! I'm too busy to do it myself!" Hanji whines back.

"Tough shit. You aren't the only one who's got work up to their damn necks, four eyes."

"Then you should be fine! You're neck is closer to the ground than mine is, I mean you ARE only like five foot…"

"OUT."

My patience is swiftly running dry, yet even with threats and me glaring daggers at her the retarded woman refuses to listen.

"JUST HEAR ME OUT." Hanji raises her voice in return and leans forward over poor Avian, causing the small woman to lean back and cradle her cup defensively lest Hanji's body knock the rest of its contents out. "I'M SO CLOSE TO MAKING A BREAKTHROUGH IN UNDERSTANDING THE REGERNATION RATE OF THE FIRST EPIDERMAL LAYER ON TITANS THAT I CAN'T SLEEP OR STOP FOR ANYTHING!"

"I can tell." I sneer in retort as I wrinkle my nose and lean back away from her. "When was the last time you bathed? Because you smell like a mix of crazy and a hundred carts worth of horse shit."

Though it was completely rhetorical Hanji still lifts her finger to her face in thought and replies, "Eight days ago, though it wasn't even a real shower…"

"I was being rhetorical dipshit." I heatedly stop her. " And the answer is still NO."

"Awww come OOOOOOOOOOOON!"

At this Hanji leans back and pulls at her hair in frustration, throwing even more snowflakes everywhere and leaving me to continue to glare at her and Avian to watch in wide eyed silence.

"It's just a few errands and things I need for my experiments! They'll even take you by that mop store you love!"

"For the last time, NO."

"Could you please!?" she begs, an odd glimmer appearing in her eyes before she continues, "PLEASE NOT NEVER GO AND DON'T NOT STOP TO NOT NEVER PICK UP A FEW THINGS FOR ME THAT WON'T TOTALLY TAKE ALL DAY, PLEEEEEEEEASE!?"

A second passes.

Then two.

Then five.

Then ten.

My glare sharpens.

"What the actual fuck…."

As if my response was the trigger, Hanij lets out a huge whoop and suddenly beams down at me.

"OH THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU! YOU CAN BE MORE THAN JUST AN ASSHOLE SOMETIMES! HERE'S THE LIST! I DON'T CARE HOW FAST YOU GET THEM, JUST DON'T FORGET! AHHHHHH YOU'RE THE BEST!"

"HANJI…..!"

I move to try and snatch her by her clothing but the damn maniac moves to quick. All I grasp is air and a flake or two, the woman sliding away whilst throwing a folded up slip of paper onto my desk, and then in the next moment she is at my door.

"I KNEW I COULD COUNT ON YOU!" she cries, maniacal grin splitting her face in half. "And I'm sorry about your jacket Avi, I just couldn't' help myself! TOOOOODDLES!"

Before either Avian or I can register what the hell just happened, the scientist gives us an energetic wave goodbye, door slams shut, and just like that she is gone.

Even after she is gone from my sight frustration still boils in me, and with great disgust I slide my eyes down to my now puddle-riddled floor.

'I'll wring her pathetic, titan obsessed neck.' I wish darkly, glaring at the offending liquid so harshly that I'm surprised the floor doesn't burst into flames, and my voice is gravely with anger when I speak next.

"Avian…"

"Already on it."

Even without telling her too she already knows, and when Avian rises up to fetch the mop I always keep in my cupboard so she can clean up Hanji's mess, I lean back in my chair and pinch the bridge of my nose.

"I apologize but I… still don't quite understand her…" Avian pipes up from the other side of the room, deftly soaking up the melted snow.

I barely manage to suppress an exasperated sigh before replying.

"You never will. She's damn psychotic, that's all you need to know."

Once again the room falls into silence as Avian does her job and I do my best to calm my livid irritation. With a start I suddenly remember the last of my tea still left in its cup and I quickly down the last of it.

'I need all the help I can get dealing with that idiot.'

Enjoying the last few drops, I stare at the cup in my hands, simple and cream colored with a handle that I refuse to use, and just as I'm about to put it down my eyes catch sight of a stark detail on its surface and, if possible, my irritation spikes even more.

It must show on my face for I hear Avian make a curious sound, stopping temporarily in her mopping before walking over to me.

"What is it?"

I refuse to answer, so Avian follows my gaze to the large, obscene crack running down the length of the ceramic cup and her eyes grow wide.

"No! Don't tell me I did that!" she mutters.

Before she can panic I shake my head and set the cup down.

"You didn't." I console her. "It's just the gloss cracking, which I guess I shouldn't be too mad about. I've only had the damn, cheap thing for years."

"If you say so…" she replies back, still holding onto the mop and she picks up her own cup, inspecting it. "This one has minute fractures forming on it as well."

'Of course.'

I admit, when it comes to my personal belongings I'm a stickler for perfection. Though this set I own is both cheap and old as hell, I've always made sure to take care of it properly, but I guess this time I got exactly what I paid for: an absolute piece of crap.

"If I may say so…" Avian continues, setting the cup back down and heading over to finish her task. "…I'm surprised you would own something so poorly crafted. You've always struck me as the kind of person to favor more high quality wares."

"I bought it a long ass time ago and it was all I could afford." I admit. "It's about time the stupid thing broke so I can get another one. I've been putting it off for a while now."

The ginger looks up from her mopping.

"Perhaps a trip to the market is in order?"

"It would seem so."

"While out, I would conjecture it to be efficient to fetch Hanji her list of items as well."

"Hell no."

"It can't possibly be that lengthy of a list…."

"You don't know the unfathomable extent of her needs." I correct her, reluctance pulling at me but, after much deliberation I force myself to eye the folded paper still laying haphazardly upon my desk where Hanji threw it and open it.

'Parchment. Quills. Ink. Glass slides. 50 ml and 100 ml beakers. Pipettes. Scalpels. Sandpaper…. A cheese grater? What the…'

The list isn't long, but I keep myself from reading any further because I know the items will only get weirder and weirder.

"Should have expected as much coming from her…"

My voice is basically a sigh, and for a minute or two I just think while Avian finishes up cleaning the melted snow off the floor and disappears into the bathroom, presumably to clean the spilt tea off her jacket. When she exits, down to wearing a simple long sleeve shirt after relieving herself of her soiled clothing, she walks over to me and stops.

"So?" she questions while fussing about the hem of her shirt. "Have you decided?"

In all honesty I don't feel like going anywhere, especially if I have to go do stuff for that damn four eyes, but glancing at my less than perfect tea set again, I realize that I really don't have a choice.

'I have to go out to get a new damn tea set anyway.'

A few more moments of indecision stall my answer, but in the end I scowl and stand.

"It can't be helped…."

Beside me Avian nods.

"I presumed as much." She states before stalking away and picking up the large jacket she hung upon a coat rack near my door and putting it on.

I raise my brow.

"Going somewhere?" I ask, and in response the woman looks at me sort of strangely as if I asked her a trick question.

"You… just said we were going to the marketplace, correct?"

"I am, not you."

It came out more sharp than I intended, and Avian appears taken aback slightly.

"Why not? I assumed you could use assistance with carrying everything."

"I don't need your help. You'll just get in the way."

"I will not." She argues back, indignant for a moment, then a curiously lighthearted expression crosses her features. "And are you sure you do not wish for support? Even with a small list I imagine it will be quite a struggle for one person to carry it all without dropping something."

"I'm perfectly capable of carrying my own shit." I frown.

"What about Hanji's then? That's quite a strenuous load for one pair of arms..." she replies, then unexpectedly a strange, jesting smile tugs at her lips. "… unless this is your way of showing off your masculine prowess, of course. If so then by all means I'll leave you to your endeavors. I'd loathe to be the one to inhibit your 'Macho Man' efforts."

I blink.

'Macho Man? Just what the hell is this woman going on about? And that tone, is she… teasing?'

I can't help but raise a brow at her. Since when did this start? Avian's always been pretty open and easy going with me, she's even joked before, but this… this is new. I don't recall her ever speaking this way to me before; her voice is so playful sounding, and her smirk…

I don't know why, but the way she looks at me with those bright eyes and impish smile, my heart thrums against my ribs. In defensive reaction my customary wall of irritation rises, as it always does whenever she does something to make me feel strange, and I harden my glare.

"Fine by me." I scowl back, doing my best to calm my thudding chest. "Besides, I remember something you told me once, you know, about how much you hate the market?"

"That was a long time ago."

"With it being near the end of the year, you know it's going to be crowded as hell." I push further, knowing full well of the ginger's strong adversity to large groups of people, but against my assumption Avian's expression does not change, seemingly unbothered by this fact.

"I'll manage." She replies simply, and gives a faint shrug of her shoulders.

"So, despite your obvious aversion to people, you are still willing to go into a busy, crowd infested bazaar district, possibly for hours, simply because you believe that I need your help." I continue skeptically, "Are you sure you want to put yourself through that?"

My voice weighs heavily with doubt, positive that she'll think twice about volunteering to go to a place she hates, but instead of wavering she holds my gaze steadily with an emotion I can't quite identify, and when she answers her voice is unexpectedly certain.

"I don't mind as long as I'm with you."

That's it. That's the extent of her argument. No clever ruse, no persistent persuasion… nothing, just a short, honest answer of which I'm not quite sure how to take. Is she being serious? She's perfectly fine with putting herself through something she hates just because she'll be with me?

I'm caught within myself, half of my brain fully aware that it is more professional as well as more compliant with Erwin's wishes to leave her stupid butt behind, yet at the same time the other half of me just can't stand to say no. I don't understand it; I have no qualms with disciplining the other soldiers, of tearing them down into sniveling mounds of pathetic filth if they even so dare as to speak back up to me, but with her… I find myself struggling to uphold my strict level of authority, and it's infuriating.

It's the struggle that burdens me now, and even though I know it to be best to send her off and end our relationship, whatever the hell it is right now, the longer I glare at her placid features, I just can't bring myself to do it. Against my normal judgment, I'm secretly surprised and glad she was brazen enough to make such an offer. I've come to enjoy having her around, and this would be no different.

'Just this once I'll let her come.' I bribe inwardly. 'I'll deal with her when we get back.'

Avian makes no move or sound, patiently waiting for a verdict and, after a second or two I relent with a heavy scowl.

"Fine." I state flatly. "But if you get run over or lost it's your own damn fault."

Her grin grows.

"That's agreeable. I expect nothing less from you."

With a final turn her glittering head twirls away, and nothing is said in the passing minutes were she grabs her jacket and I my mantel. Before we know it we're suddenly outside, slugging through the snow covered walkways of Stohess side by side.

Just as it does every year, winter brings with it a dramatic change in landscape. Instead of clear streets and the vibrancy of colors that accompany summer and fall, every object and place is decorated in stark white. Rooftops, street lamps, trees, bushes, fences, signs, benches… all of it is covered in soft, light powder, and even though there are hardly any clouds in the sky a few flakes still fall, guided to the ground by gentle breeze. It's amazing to look at, seeing everything familiar to you change appearance so drastically, even after years of living on the surface.

And the quiet, that's the part I like most. Unlike how it is in the height of summer, the cold keeps most people away, leaving the streets oddly barren aside from a civilian here and there, and the change in weather has a strange way of muting the sounds of the world. Carriages don't seem to squeak as badly, talk isn't as loud, and even little sounds such as the squash of snow beneath our feet or the twitter of birds chirping from cracking branches sounds accentuated against this new, chilly backdrop.

"It's nice out here."

With no people to obstruct my path I cast a sideways glance at the woman beside me.

"Don't misunderstand me, I still prefer summer and being warm," she continues, arms drawn up about herself to keep her navy jacket in place, "but I admit that winter has to be the most beautiful season of all. Don't you agree?"

I frown and return to looking straight ahead.

"It's not bad…"

"You are not one to be impressed easily."

"What's to be impressed by? It's just water."

"It wouldn't kill you to be slightly more imaginative than that."

"Oh well."

I can feel Avian's jesting eyes on me as we walk, but instead of saying more to fuel her banter I rummage in the pocket of my uniform jacket and pull out two pieces of paper. I already know what's written on these lists, but I still busy myself with reading them just so I can have something to distract me from the woman at my side.

'There's Hanji's shit we have to get,' I growl mentally, doing my best to ignore the presence beside me that inadvertently makes my heart beat just a little bit harder. 'and I might as well get what I need as well. Bleach is a must, and while I'm at it I'll go ahead and grab a few extra pairs of kerchiefs and extra mop heads. Then there's parchment and ink, sword oil, lantern oil, body soap, flint… My damn tea cups are getting jacked up so now I have to buy a whole new set, and I'm running low on coffee grounds and black tea leaves…'

I try to go on, but the feeling of heat upon the side of my face stops me. With a spike of annoyance I glower at the offending pair of eyes watching me.

"WHAT." I growl, greatly irritated by her persistent staring.

I absolutely loathe and love how my cold demeanor doesn't faze her when she replies.

"Nothing." She states simple with a shrug of her shoulders, and I'm slightly unnerved at how her blue eyes just seem to soak up my features. "Just watching your thought process. It's interesting."

"You sound like damn shitty glasses." I mutter. "If you don't want to be sent back then stop. It's annoying and pointless."

Before she can respond I make a show of turning away and stalking on, completely ignoring her. If there is something she wants to say she does well to keep her mouth shut, for from then on there is nothing but silence between us.

Time slips by with us just walking, snow covered buildings guiding us deeper into the city. Near the Corps building there was few people walking about, but as we get closer the snow on the ground grows more sparse, carriages pass more often, and the number of civilians going about their way increases until the world around us becomes a mixture of crowds and the sound of horses neighing and merchants enticing people to investigate their wares. Being one of the larger cities inside the Walls, Inner Stohess is packed with people even on a chilly winter day, and soon enough the bodies of people become a maze for us to walk through.

"I still have yet to understand how a society can support such a large populace." Avian mutters as we walk, doing her best to stay as close behind me as possible to avoid being constantly bumped into. "I know that there have been other civilizations superior to this in size in the past, but such a fact fails to enlighten me as to how this can exist at all."

"It just does. You're wasting your time trying to understand it." I reply back, dodging around a seemingly endless hoard of trench coats and body heat.

"Why must I not have curiosity about the place in which I live?" she responds.

"Because it's pointless and involves a whole bunch of political crap I have no interest in delving into."

Whatever response Avian must have is wiped away when a large laborer carrying a stack of wooden crates nearly steps all over us, the much taller man shoving between us without even stopping.

"Damn people. Never watching where they are going." I growl toward his back as he walks away.

Though I'll never admit it, I harbor the same kind of loathing for the market as Avian does, albeit for a different reason. While she is more put off by the number and close proximity of the people here, I hate it for the fact that no one has any respect and acts like they own the damn road.

I'm almost tempted to stalk after him and give him a proper lesson, but a tug on my mantle stops me.

"Well that was boorish…" Avian mutters from where she stands behind me, hand gripping my clothing and eyes following the man. "Not even courteous enough to apologize."

A displeased growl of irritation is my only answer to her comment before turning and continuing down the crowded street. Though I don't enjoy the feeling of tugging on my uniform, I decide to allow Avian to keep a hold of me as we walk.

'If I don't the stupid brat will probably just get lost or trampled.' I groan inwardly, dodging around another large man before rounding a corner to a street just as congested as the previous one. 'How irritating… the last thing I need is for her to get caught up in this mess. I don't feel like putting up with her uncoordinated bullshit…'

Unfortunately, the world must be determined to put my patience to the test, for just when I finish my thought I notice the slack on my mantle with a jerk.

"Shit."

All I can think of is that the dumbass has already gotten lost trying to follow me, and I whirl around so hard the people around me let out small yelps of surprise. I ignore them, all my attention focused on deftly scanning the surrounding area for the sight of bright ginger.

Luckily it doesn't take me long to spot said ginger, but that small silver lining does nothing to quell the rapidly escaladed aggravation burning inside me. She's only a few meters back the way we came, attention directed towards a complete stranger sitting against the wall, and though I know nothing of what is being said or who this man is she is talking too, I can tell that it's nothing good.

"You're so kind, beautiful lady." I hear the stranger mutter, an older, scraggly bearded man clothed in a filthy, torn shirt, and I swiftly up my pace when he gives Avian a gaping smile and grabs her hands.

"Tis the least I can do for you…" she replies back before drawing her hands away to dig in the inner pocket of her navy jacket. "Poor man… let this help you find proper clothing to fare against this weather. I am heartbroken to hear about your legs…"

When I draw closer Avian pulls out a wad of Euro notes, the likes of which I have no idea she had since I specifically remember not allowing her to handle money, and she begins thumbing through them all the while the man looks on modestly.

"That's what happens when you don't take care of yourself properly." He answers her, drawing a dirt covered hand over the empty pant legs splayed out before him where his legs are supposed to be. "Now you do well to take care of yourself. You're such a kind person, I'd hate to know something happened to you."

"Worry not, for I shall be fine." Avian smiles back, blissfully unaware of my glowering eyes boring into her, and she separates a small stack of notes from her stash and offers it. "I hope that this will do…"

"Ah, that is more than enough, thank you thank you thank you!" the old man chuckles through a toothy grin. "You're too kind, too kind!"

The man makes to grab the money, but instead of a fist full of cash he receives an armful of boot, courtesy of me. Both he and Avian exclaim in surprise when I kick his grubby hands away, and I'm slightly disappointed that I apparently didn't break his wrist in the process.

"Levi!"

Avian's voice is full of shock, and I can feel her eyes on me as well as the eyes of several passers by, but I pay neither her nor them any mind, instead giving all my heated anger to the man on the ground.

"Fuck off."

Below me the man grits his teeth, clinging to his wrists in pain, and he glares up at me.

"What was that for?!"

"I said fuck off." I repeat with menace. "Don't you dare lay your filthy, scamming hands on her."

"LEVI."

The intensity of her voice is too strong for me to ignore, and I can't help but give Avian the briefest of glances over my shoulder. Her face is the picture of surprise, eyes wide and completely still. The money is still clutched in her hands.

"Levi what is this?" she asks, and I can tell from the way she looks at me that she must think I'm crazy. "Why did you hurt him!?"

"Because he is a thief, that's why." I state bluntly, glaring at her just as hard.

Her expression doesn't change.

"I don't understand. How is my voluntarily bestowing money to him thievery? Don't you see that he needs it?"

At that my glare darkens.

"Needs it my ass… You can't possibly believe his stupid story."

"Hey, watch your mouth man!" a gravelly voice intercedes behind me, causing me to once again return my attention back to the man. "Let the lady do what she wants! She's just trying to help me out!"

My eyes pierce into his pathetic form, every inch of him from his fingernails to his dark hair covered in brown filth, and a dark cruelty taints my voice.

"That's exactly what you want her to do. Scamming people out of their hard earned wages just because you're too lazy to get off your shameful ass and work."

"Work!? Are you blind man!? How can I work like this!?"

At his plea he motions to his missing lower limbs in an aggressive wave.

"You're just an asshole cheapskate! Go shove your foot up someone's ass why won't ya!?"

"If you say so…"

My voice drips with venom, and before either the man or Avian can react my leg flies up again, and there is a satisfying crack when the boot connects with his face. The man screams, the force of my blow sending him sprawling to the ground, and the pants that cleverly hid his actual limbs flies off, revealing a perfectly functioning pair of legs hidden beneath.

The people around us stop in shock now, but the additional audience doesn't stop me from striking out again, this time smashing him in the gut, and just like that the man is out of commission, reverted to nothing more than a cringing ball of flesh clutching his abdomen.

Everything is silent as I turn from him, and I barely give the woman watching me with shocked eyes time to register what happened before grabbing her by the front of her jacket and dragging her away. She has no choice but to follow, and only when we are secluded in a less populated alley, well away from the curious crowd, do I stop and whirl on her.

"Tell me…" I begin, the woman visibly leaning back from the subdued anger in my voice, "… just what the hell did you think you were doing."

"I… I thought… He looked like he needed help…" she stutters, and for some unknown reason her hesitance only pisses me off more.

"So you give out money to random ass people on the street just because they look sorry for themselves. Is that it?"

"I was just trying to help." Avian retorts back, a small strain of resistance strengthening her voice. "I saw that he was hurting and wished to give him aid. I didn't think that he would be acting out a lie."

"That's your problem."

I know it's wrong of me, to be spitting at her like this. She should know better than to be so open palmed with her money, but at the same time she only offered out of compassion for someone she genuinely believed needed it. His story was completely bogus of course, and this woman should be smart enough to realize that not everyone is as honest as she is, but can I really be angry at her for such a thing?

No, not really. Not like this, but aggravation and frustration come so easily to me now that it just seems to appear of its own accord. I know I only feel like this because of the inner struggle I have regarding her; the unnecessary conflict raging I have in deciding just what to do with her.

Cut her off.

Leave her be.

I still can't commit to one action or the other. It should be such a simple concept, but for some reason I struggle with it, and with all this build up anger towards my own uncertainty, it's difficult for me to keep it in check when I'm with her.

So now, instead of being level headed and looking at the situation objectively, I let a little of my frustration vent out upon the source of my turmoil.

"That's exactly your problem, Conner." I scowl at her, face tight. "You don't THINK. Not all people are good, you should know this. There are selfish bastards out there who don't give two shits about what they do or who they do it to so long as they get good money out of it."

"But who would lower themselves down to such a level for such a trivial endeavor?" she argues back. "Pretending to be crippled and begging for money… such an act is just disgraceful. Who would willingly subject themselves to such a degrading labor?"

"Lazy asshats like him." I growl. "If you aren't careful they'll take everything you've got. And what the hell are you doing with money anyway!?"

I extend my arm out in silent demand, a gesture to which Avian does nothing towards for a good moment or two. With great hesitance she eventually extends her own arm, notes still clutched in her hand, and relinquishes them to me.

Without another word I put them away in my uniform and, still simmering at her utter ignorance, regard her coldly.

"Stay close to me. Don't touch anything. Don't speak to anyone. I'm not going to waste any more of my energy on correcting your screw ups."

My entire demeanor is icy, and after saying all that I want to say I turn a cold shoulder to her and return to the crowded streets.

'Not even twenty minutes after we leave and she already fucks up.' I rant, cutting through throngs of people like steel through flesh with strangers giving me wary looks and hastily making way for me to walk. 'I should have just ordered her to stay. I knew this would be a pain in my ass, I knew it, yet I was too weak to tell her no and let her tag along like an idiot. What the hell was I thinking...'

I hate this. I don't know how many times I have to say it. I don't understand what it is about this damn woman that makes me act so different. No one infuriates me like she does, no one intrigues me like she does…. No one affects me in such a wide variety of ways like she does. She makes me feel like I'm losing my mind sometimes, makes me question the same actions and motives I've had all my life.

It makes no sense, how she can affect me this way, and so strongly. I'm Lance Corporal Levi Ackerman, Humanity's Strongest Soldier. I've fought in hundreds of battles, killed thousands of titans, seen countless numbers of comrades eaten and ripped apart. I survived living in the Underground for years, I've killed scores of men with my own hands, I've been beaten and stabbed fighting for my life, and yet all of it, all that shit I've survived through doesn't affect me nearly as strongly as this damn, ignorant shitty brat does.

What the actual fuck.

Erwin is right. Whatever the hell is going on between her and I needs to stop. I have no choice.

'After this trip, I'm done.' I declare, and I feel so adamant about my resolve that I barely even notice the people and frozen world moving about me.

I do, however, notice the miniature form of the woman walking a step or two behind me, and even with eyes fixed straight ahead I can still see her expression. It's oddly cloaked, eyes staring ahead just as mine are, and the lines of her jaw are clamped tight. It's a look of restraint, of masked suffering, and even in my shitty mood and my determination in what I need to do, somehow that look of hers still manages to wrench me.

I do my best to ignore it and keep walking.

No other incidents occur as we walk deeper into the city, streets growing larger and louder as we go. There is hardly any snow here, most of it having been melted away by body heat and the movement of people and carriages moving about. Luckily we manage to make our way through the sea of bodies without much difficulty, and it isn't long before we leave it entirely.

Arriving at our first destination I deviate from the street and enter an unassuming wooden door to my right, Avian close behind. There is hardly anyone inside excluding the shop owner who gives us a simple nod before returning to messing with something behind the counter, and out of habit my eyes begin scanning the numerous shelves and cases lining the walls and middle of the shop floor.

Tea sets of all kinds decorate every available flat surface, hundreds of different makes, sizes, colors, and designs. I had been meaning to come here for ages, at least two months or so when I first noticed the cracking in the glaze, but with the frequency of missions as high as they were at the time there was hardly a spare moment to even sleep. But finally at the end of the year when Erwin deemed our campaign officially over, I now have freedom to do all that I've been meaning to.

'Let's just hope that this won't turn out to be a waste of a trip.'

My strict preferences are notorious enough, what with my unwavering demand to have every surface within the Corps spotless, but they only worsen when it comes to purchasing personal belongings. I demand only the best, and I will not tolerate spending any amount of money on anything unless it meets my specifications, and that is where a great deal of trouble stems from.

Avian is silent as she follows me around the shop, wordlessly watching me as I scan over every item in stock, frowning is displeasure when each fall below my high standards.

Too small.

Too large.

Too tall.

Too damn ugly.

Set after set pass us by, and with each I slowly begin to realize that my effort will more than likely be in vain.

Disgruntled at the selection, I set down a particularly underwhelming piece and address the shop keeper.

"Is this all you have?"

"Yes sir, it is." She replies from behind the counter a few meters away. "Is there anything I can help you with?"

"Yes, there is…"

Despite the great number of items and the vast variety of choices, there is still one thing that each share that I would much rather avoid paying for.

"These sets…" I begin, "…you wouldn't happen to have any without handles, would you?"

"I'm sorry, but I don't." she shakes her head, and I'm not even disappointed in her answer.

"Figures…"

I can feel Avian's curious gaze upon me, asking a silent question but I still refuse to address her, instead I ignore her investigating look completely and head back outside, her at my heel.

A good hour or two passes us as we mull around the market, me leading the way, and despite the great number of shops we enter gathering Hanji's useless supplies and my own wares, the time we spend together lacks it's normal ease. I find myself continuingly giving her a cold shoulder, set on just getting what we need to done so we can head back, but it isn't my own lack of action that bothers me the most.

No matter where we go the ginger is usually animated and engaging. Not necessarily energetic per say, but she always has this kind of alert nature that causes her to look about herself at the scenery or inspect particular items that seem interesting to her. But now, she's uncharacteristically subdued.

I'll give her this, she has obeyed my orders to a tee, neither leaving my side nor touching anything we come across, but in that obedience a sort of glum sits. For our entire excursion she has remained, for the most part, mute, quietly observing me as I lead us to and fro, and it's a little unsettling to see her so… plain. We've spent enough time working paperwork together that I've come to understand a little of her body language, and with that knowledge I can easily read her expression.

We are still near Inner Stohess, though not as many people walk about now that it is near lunchtime, and while we walk in silence, toting white slings over our shoulders filled with numerous supplies and listening to the snow crunch beneath our feet, I cast a small glance to her over my shoulder.

If I didn't know better I'd say she looks completely fine, but there are small details that I can't help but notice that tell me otherwise. Her eyes are slightly more narrowed than usual, a trait that could easily mean that she is just deep in thought and nothing more, but below her eyes her lips are drawn tight, and even the movement of her slim shoulders as she walks seems more stiff than they should be.

'She's upset'

I don't know what it is about her, but seeing her this way, knowing I was the one who put her there, makes me feel like a huge asshole, which is freaking stupid. I don't give two fucks about anyone's feelings. As far as I'm concerned everyone in the Corps is a spoiled little shit, and I couldn't care less if they hate me or see me as a heartless bastard. But when it comes to her… when it comes to Avian and how she feels… I suddenly start caring.

My irritation had dissolved long ago, leaving me to feel like my normal self again, and now that I have a leveler head on my shoulders, I can clearly see the mistake in speaking to her so harshly back then. I should have known better, Avian has always been one to be hyper sensitive to negativity and being reprimanded, especially by me. Ever since we started talking again she's pretty much been the perfect help; always compliant to do whatever I ask, never complaining, and she never half-assed anything.

By all rights she really hasn't done anything wrong, nothing to warrant such an angry rebuke over something so trivial. As her superior, I know she takes my orders seriously, though she carries them out with a light heart, so with that being said I should have done better to keep myself in check. But I didn't.

I need to say something, it's too quiet, but it's hard to come up with words when you've never been talented with using them from the start. And Avian doesn't help either, contenting herself with watching the road ahead with subdued eyes.

Silence stretches on while we walk, and with each step I continue to struggle to find words to say. At this point I'd take anything, but just what do you say to a person you've crossly scolded into silence? Instead of cleverly coming up with an icebreaker, I'm left with nothing to do except stare at her.

Silence.

More silence.

Nothing but silence and crunching snow and people who pass right on by us. I almost just want to say screw it and leave her to her mulling, but then I remember this morning, how peaceful it was, how content I was to just be there without saying anything, and I deeply wish to have that moment again. Watching her, her tiny fingers fiddling about the buttons of her oversized jacket out of nervous habit, I once again recall how Hanji ruined Avian's perfectly good under-jacket, and I scowl.

Turning to look back straight ahead, I force my mouth to open.

"I'm going to wring that damn woman's neck." I start, keeping an eye on the ginger beside me from my peripheral, and just as I hoped she would, after a second or two she casts a side glance at me.

"Who?" she asks, and though she is still in that weird state of submission, I'm glad to at least have her talking.

"Hanji. I'm still pissed the psychotic idiot ruined your jacket from this morning."

Avian shrugs.

"It can't be helped. I'm just glad it didn't get on Petra's."

"Petra's?"

In response to my confusion Avian lightly tugs on the large navy jacket about her body.

"This is hers. She's letting me borrow it for the time being."

That only confuses me further.

"Why are you borrowing her jacket? Don't you have one?"

Avian shakes her head.

"I've been meaning to acquire one, but everyone had been busy with missions, and since I'm both not allowed to go to the market by myself as well as handle my own allowance, I haven't had the chance."

There is no accusation in her voice, the woman merely stating a simple fact, but I can't help but feel a slight stab. Taking in her form again, I only just now notice the way she keeps her arms close to her body, and how the color of her cheeks is bright pink against her pale skin.

'I didn't even give any thought to the fact that she might need that extra jacket, as easy as it is for her to freeze to death.'

Unwittingly my frown deepens, and uncertain as what to say next, we once again fall into uncomfortable silence. Two blocks go by with neither of us uttering a word, but in a voice low with wariness, Avian speaks.

"Whatever I did… I'm sorry…"

Her voice is so low that I almost don't catch her words.

"You've been unusually… tense… as of late," she continues, keeping her eyes focused on the ground. "and though I'm certain a generous portion of your distress stems from the level of workload required of your position, I cannot help but feel as if I am partially responsible for some of it as well."

Another stab, this time deeper than the last, and I refuse to answer her. What can I say? It's awful to hear, but she's telling the truth; she is part of the problem. Ever since Erwin made it very clear that things need to be changed, I've struggled with following through with his orders. Every time I gather the resolve to sever our relationship permanently, something always gets in the way, or I sidestep and push it to the back of my mind. It's infuriating, but for some reason when I'm with her, I find myself losing grip on my own self discipline and control… I become unwilling to put my duties first… I become selfish….

And it is that selfishness that mutes me now. If I say a lie, she'll be sure to notice; If I tell her the truth, it'll probably drive her away for good, and while the second option is what I know to be best, what Erwin has demanded of me, I just flat out refuse to do so. Having her gone again, not only would it make me ache in a way I never thought I could, but… just breaking things off so suddenly like Erwin wants me to, after all the effort Avian has made with trying to make things better between her and I…

'It would kill her.'

With sudden insight I realize that I care more about Avian's wellbeing than I do obeying my commander.

It's such an unexpected revelation that I have to take a moment or two to fully take it in. Nothing has ever been more important to me than helping Erwin achieve freedom for humanity. I've spent the past six to seven years dedicating my life to his cause because it's only right, and during those years no thing and no person has ever challenged the order of my priorities. At least… not until now.

Without her noticing I slide my gaze over to the silent woman beside me.

Just how and when did my priorities change? Hell, I don't even understand why. All I know is that I've grown to want her company, and after those long six months where we didn't talk… I don't want her to leave ever again. I'm half annoyed and have curious about this new change in me, and in a desire that doesn't seem like me at all, I want to know more.

I want to understand.

I want to make my own decision.

I want to be selfish.

And so a resolve hardens in me, but for a different reason this time. For once, I don't give a shit what Erwin says.

'Idiot, doubting my commitment to the Corps. Tch. What a disappointment.'

Without another moment's hesitation I push all thoughts of Erwin and his idiotic order to the back of my mind and focus on the now. The entire time Avian and I had made small talk and I had been lost in my own thoughts I paid no attention to the city around me, but now with mind clear I take stock of where we are.

We had continued walking, even in a daze, and instead of the busy main streets where we had spent the majority of the morning, we are now in the middle of passing through a sparsely populated back road lined with small hole-in-the-wall shops. Without even really trying one automatically catches my eye, a quaint little shop with a hanging sign out front, and idea pops in my head.

I know myself well enough to realize that speaking a verbal apology for my actions earlier this morning will never happen, so instead of saying it through words, I get it in my head that perhaps I can do so another way.

'I've got a bunch of shit to make up for anyway, and since we're down here I might as well do her a favor and get her what she needs.'

Mind made up and without even a single word of warning I take Avian's hand and begin leading her toward the shop.

"L… Levi?" she stutters behind me, and I can almost feel her immense surprise. "Where are we going?"

"Can't you tell through the window?" I reply flatly back as we reach the shop's door, and Avian peers inside.

"A clothing shop? You need new cravats?" she asks.

"We aren't coming here for me."

Before she can reply I pull her inside and stop right inside the door. Just like all the other shops we've visited, the entire, small space is filled from floor to ceiling with merchandise. A whole assortment of different clothing pieces line the walls and racks in the center of the room ranging from shirts, pants, and small accessories, but by far the largest selection they have due to the winter season are coats. Everything from small cotton shoulder throws, leather jackets, and even a few expensive full fur coats, each in a stupid amount of variety, sizes and colors, greet us.

Beside the door we both scan everything, Avian in slight awe over the sheer amount of stuff everywhere, and after a moment of nothing I frown at her.

"Well?"

The ginger turns to me in question, and I nod toward the center of the shop.

"Pick something."

Once again she kind of just stares at me, looking almost a bit off guard, and when she replies it's obvious in her voice that she doesn't quite understand what I'm saying.

"Pick something? For me?" she asks.

My instinctive, smartass answer comes out first.

"No, for me because I'm too lazy to do my own damn shopping." I automatically snip, but right after I mentally kick myself.

'Could you quit acting like an ass for one second.'

Annoyance come naturally to me, and it takes a second for me to take a breath before I try again.

"You said you need a coat and haven't been able to get one because people have been busy to take you, right?" I remind her, and I visibly see understanding color her eyes. "Well… we're here."

Blue eyes watch me intensely, but it is no longer confusion that clouds them. Instead they take on that odd piercing look of hers, and I can feel her searching me.

'Why the hell does she do this so much? It's like everything I do or say she has to investigate me on it.'

I can't help but get a little annoyed by this woman's constant investigating, but instead of fighting it I just let her do it. Perhaps this is just her trying to understand. She has said a couple times of how she had to analyze her brother Romulus' actions because he rarely spoke with words, and because she has also said that he and I are similar in demeanor, perhaps it's just habit. Either way I say nothing as she examines me, not knowing what exactly she is searching for, but after a moment her eyes relax.

"Are.. are you sure? Do you not wish to return to the Corps as soon as possible?"

I shrug.

"I've got time."

Avian holds my gaze just a little longer, and though I see a number of emotions running through her expression I can't read them. Eventually, however, the tension around her eyes and mouth loosens slightly and the shadow of a ghost of a grin up turns her lips.

"I'll be quick." She tells me, and when I take to crossing my arms and lean back against the wall to wait, she turns away with a hint of spring in her step.

Watching her go, a little bit of the tension that had been accompanying me all day wanes.

'I've got time….' I repeat, and for once, I don't feel in a rush to get back. 'I've got all day.'

*Author's Note*

Hello my fellow fanfic addicts! I am proud to announce that I am, in fact, not dead. At least not entirely, but I'll get to that in just a min… For now, as I always do, I shall apologize for the atrocities of which I have committed. First off, this thing is a whole month late… last update was back in February… wow… I suck. Granted I did take an impromptu month hiatus because my writing fingers just weren't in the mood… but that's no excuse. Also, this chap is another twenty thousand word beast, and the worst part, this is only the first part of what I originally planned, but of course as is my habit my pacing skills are absolute balls, so I needed to split a chappy into two parts… AGAIN. DAMN IT, this is just ridiculous. I mean

Reconciliation

Deeper Understanding (Part 1)

Deeper Understanding (Part 2)

Rival

A Terrible Mistake (Part 1)

A Terrible Mistake (Part 2)

Thrumming, Swelling Heart

Taking Chances (Part 1)

I mean LOOK AT THAT SHIT. MY PACING IS ABSOLUTE BALLS. If there is anyone still reading up to this point I commend you, for this is just terrible writing. I feel ashamed. *hides in hole*

Anywho, I hope this chapter was okay. I really tried to highlight the small nuances and traits that people who like another person normally express: memorizing their love interest's habits/quirks, enjoying time together even when they are doing absolutely nothing at all, understanding the hidden meaning behind expressions and reading between the lines, those sorts of things. Hopefully it worked but… I guess y'all will let me know.

Before I reply to reviews, here is an update on me, and it'll be quick cause no one cares about this stuff anyway lol. So I took a month hiatus as stated before. Just didn't have the inspiration to write, so I didn't. Also, therapy fell through, so no doctor for me for a long while, and I got a new job, which would be fine I guess except it's one of those 'heavy labor twelve hours a day' kinda jobs, which leaves me too whooped when I get home to write most of the time. Boo.

So, on to reviews:

Guest from Chapter 21: I thank you for the praise! ;u; And you are absolutely right. It is my fault entirely for not writing out the story to where Avian's intelligence can be showcased properly. That is just poor writing on my part, and I apologize for it. However, as per your suggestion, I have slightly altered the course of the story slightly in around two or three chapters which will hopefully exemplify her thinking outside the box. There will be a very little taste of her puzzle solving skill (via tinkering with mechanisms) as well here in the next chappy, but it's very minor. I'll do my best to add more of her badass problem solving skills here in the future. See, this is why I always beg for your comments; they help make the story better!

Close enough story: Well I'm glad somebody enjoyed Levi's insults aside from me at least. They could stand to be more creative though… gotta work on that. Levi does have a pretty creative, albeit vulgar, vocabulary…

In all honesty, I thought the scene upon the wall was almost too big of a leap, too quick, but I guess it was just right. *wipes forehead* That's a major relief. And never feel ashamed for spazzing out like a little kid. I spazz out at this fic and I'm the freaking author xD. And I thank you for the best wishes. They mean so much to me, I almost want to cry ;u;

EpicShadowNinja: Thank you! And I think we all died from Levi adorableness :'D Like I said to Story, I'm glad that the Wall scene turned out okay. It almost felt like too much, but I just kinda went with it lol.

FearIsAnIllusion13: I thank you so much! I'll do my best to update soon again and try to keep from half killing myself haha C:

Crystalviolet24: First off, I'm very sorry to hear that you've been having trouble, even if only for a day. It never makes me feel good to hear about people's hardships, but I'm glad that this story somehow made you feel a little better C:

As always, I never get tired of hearing that Levi is still being portrayed believably and in character. I'm a broken record when I say that I always worry about writing him out true to how he is portrayed in manga/anime, so it's always a relief to know that I'm still doing him justice. And I somehow made you love Levi more!? IMPOSSIBLE OAO He is already supreme lord of all that is Hot and Sexy and Utterly Mouthwateringly Gorgeous.

Also, never apologize for rambling or long reviews. The longer the better. Seriously. I freak out when I see long reviews. It makes me feel like people appreciate my work and I love hearing what you have to say in detail as well!

I'll do my best to take care of myself but… I'm not good at that. I'm a bit… stubborn xD

Skullchildforever: Glad you liked the long chappy! And yes, Levian fluff will be back C:

Thebeccac: OMG THE CAPS LOCK OAO

Glad to hear that Avian's development in that chappy was believable as well. It was kind of difficult to write out properly, but I think I did fairly okay. And the beating… oh the beating… I wish I had popcorn for that lol.

I thank you greatly for your concern! I'll do my best but, hey… what can ya do? Stuff happens, but it's all good c:

Haruna Shikaio: I'm so, SO SORRY this update was so late. You hoped I'd update soon and I FAILED YOU ;n; Hopefully this makes up for it. I'm so very, very happy to hear that you are enjoying this story as much as I am writing it. I put lots of effort into it and, though there is a lot I need to improve on, I'd like to believe that my writing has gotten at least slightly better over the course of this fic. Hopefully Levi and Avian's story will still keep your interest in chappys to come c:

19Delfin: Personally…. I find it cruelly fun to put Levi through so much heartbreak/confusion/frustration/ect. He's pretty funny when he gets all flustered and stuff o3o Also he would never just jump into something like that right off the bat either. As shown here, I always imagined that he would struggle greatly with a changing in priorities, where dedicating his life and serving humanity were suddenly undermined by some other, greater purpose.

I'm glad Levi and Avi are on talking terms again as well, and hopefully it'll actually stay that way lol

Guest from Chapter 25: As I told the other guest on chapter 21 (unless this is the same person then continued from before), if any part of this fic comes off as making Avian a damsel in distress, then it is my fault entirely for crappy writing. I will be honest that there will be a couple instances to where she will get into a sticky situation where it is Levi who will come in to help her, but rest assured that those situations will not progress nor be rectified in the way you might expect (hopefully). With her being a shifter, there are some things that will happen to her regarding that where Levi will step in for her, of course, but I promise you that there will be other situations to where Avian helps Levi in some way. We won't get to it for about four chapter s or so, but there will be a point to where both she and Levi will need help.

It's a very fine line to walk, I know. I want Avian to be pretty self sufficient and strong in her own way, but also keep the integrity of her unique character in check. By fact she is abnormally small, and thus weak, her knowledge outside of problem solving is still poor at best, and with her being female and human and highly empathetic, she is quite emotional at times. I want to write her as human and as believable as possible while still retaining a sort of dignity so as to not fall into a stereotype, but we'll see how that goes. For the most part, her reactions are partially inspired by my own reactions if I were put in that particular situation, but not all the time. I purposefully made her slightly like myself in order to help me write her better and identify with her more. I guess that's a bit of a cop-out, but hey… twenty five chapters in its kinda to late to change anything now lol.

As far as showcasing a scene with Avian and Eren fighting together in their titan forms… I'll have to see. I've already planned out how the rest of this fic will play out, and right now there isn't a real good place for that to happen without it seeming kind of random. I'll see what I can do though! It'd be pretty awesome in my mind and, I kinda think it adorable because Avian's titan is so small she can just hitch a ride on the Rouge Titan's shoulder o3o

Aboutaweekago: Yay monologues! :D I admit, I go a little overboard with them but… they're just so much fun to write I just can't help myself lol. And I'm glad to hear you like the fic, especially when Levi isn't your favorite. It's nice to know that he is written appealingly here. It always does my self-esteem good to hear peoples positive comments ;u; Just curious, but who is your favorite? I like knowing people's opinions cause… I'm weird o3o

Guess that just about wraps it up folks. Just as a fun little insider, next chappy will pretty much be what I can only describe as a 'fluff overload', and starting from where we left off here… the rest of the day is gonna pretty much be an impromptu 'not date' date xD As always, thank you for reading and please leave your thoughts and comments in a review. Until next time!

-Ambi