Reconciliation

"Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone"
Soulmate- Natasha Bedingfield

Mood Music: Soulmate by Natasha Bedingfield, 1,2,3,4 by Plain White T's, and If You Love Someone by Dizmas

Edward had just about given up. After sitting in the park and stewing over everything that had happened, and he had plenty of time to stew, he couldn't comprehend how Bella would ever forgive him. Just as he had convinced himself it was useless, she showed up.

While he could tell that the time apart had stressed her and been hard on her body, she had never looked more beautiful to him. Rosalie had mentioned her panic attacks and fearing the worst he stood in a gesture of peace, hoping she would understand; he was there for forgiveness.

When the tears began to fall, his body instantly gravitated towards hers. It was his fault she was crying, his fault they were in this situation and he was going to fix it. His fingers moved of their own accord, wiping the cascading tears from her face and with each touch they burned.

He had never enjoyed pain more in his life.

Bella was so close to him and yet it felt like there was so much unspoken between them. His arms ached to reach out and pull her to him, his lips to kiss her. Instead he led her to the small blanket his hands trembling to touch her.

They sat together on the blanket, legs barely touching and their hands entwined. Edward noticed almost immediately how focused Bella was on the water, how she refused to make eye contact, taking that one simple pleasure from him.

"Bella," his voice was quiet and gravelly with emotion. "Please look at me Bella."

Her eyes rose to look at him, brimming over with emotion and with so much unspoken hurt.

"I'm so sorry, Bella. I thought I was doing the right thing, I thought that it would make things easier. I hurt myself and in the process I also hurt you. I feel I need to explain my actions, to justify them in some way but I can truly and honestly say that I did it because I thought it was what was best for you."

Her hand shook in his and he found himself squeezing it tightly, holding on for dear life. He couldn't let her walk away, not now that he had a chance to explain, to make her his again. Her eyes narrowed at him and he knew he needed to continue, if he could only find the words.

"I need you to know, to understand, everything I have been through these past few months, the pains I put myself through thinking it was for the best. I'm so ignorant Bella and so selfish. I wrote you the letter thinking it would give you some kind of closure, a proper goodbye. The minute I handed that letter to Rose, you must know, I have never hated myself so much."

His voice wavered with emotion and he found his free hand yanking on his hair once again. She seemed to involuntarily cringe when he spoke of the letter and he found his mind replaying what he had written over and over. Edward thought he had been obvious; thought that it would be clear how much he needed her, how much he loved her. Maybe his letter was crueler than he thought?

"After the incident at the hotel I moved out of my house with Tanya, up until the trial I was living with Jasper. I came to the courthouse that day to find Tanya outside. It was at that moment I realized something that I should have realized before. She would have done anything, said anything to get her way. She was never pregnant it was all just a ploy. I've never felt so stupid in my life and I planned on leaving her."

Bella's brow knit in confusion and hurt was clearly evident on her face. This only seemed to worry him more. She hadn't spoken a word; letting him tell his side of the story, but what would she say when she realized why he acted the way he had? Would it make any difference that everything he did, every action he took, was for her and Alice?

"She manipulated me Bella by using our relationship against you. She was going to get Alice taken away from you. I couldn't let that happen. I couldn't do that to you or to Alice. So I gave her what she wanted and moved back in with her, except it wasn't what she wanted at all. No amount of manipulating or screaming could make me love her, not the way I love you. Don't you understand, no matter how long we were apart my heart still belonged to you, it longed and ached to be with you."

Edward found tears rolling down his cheeks and he ignored them, focusing only on her. He knew he was sleep deprived, knew how haggard he looked but he didn't care. The words seemed to affect her just as strongly as tears were rolling down her cheeks and tumbling off her chin.

He moved his hand from his side up to her face, once again sweeping the tears away. If she still loved him, if he had any chance in hell to be with her again, than he would never make her cry again. He couldn't stand seeing her cry and he felt his broken heart tear just a bit more.

"It lasted a week before I was living with Jasper again. I was inconsolable. I thought I had lost you, knew that what we had could never be replaced. It got so bad that Jasper was caring for Emmett and for me as well. Jasper helped get me out of my funk."

"I'm divorced now and I live with Emmett in a tiny two bedroom apartment. I've also gotten a job at St. Mercy's working in cardiology. The fact of the matter is, Bella, I can't function without you and I can't live without you. Leaving you was the biggest mistake of my life and I know I have messed everything up, ruined what we had. I'm here hoping and praying that you will give me a second chance, that you will let me make it up to you."

She sat, quietly digesting his words. He wasn't sure what she was thinking, what she was feeling and it made him nervous. Edward didn't know what he would do if he lost her, his heart shattered at just the thought.

"Please Bella say something," Edward whispered tears spilling over his eyelashes.

She moved closer, suddenly clinging to him, and her tears soaked his shirt. How could he ever cause someone whom he supposedly loved so much pain?

"I'm so sorry, Bella."

His arms wrapped around her trembling form and he buried his nose in her hair, breathing her in. "This is the first time, in a long time, that things just feel right."

"I know what you mean," she sighed, her voice gravelly and rough from the crying. Her breathing calmed and she pulled back from him, almost looking embarrassed.

"Everything is just so complicated and so messed up. I have so much I need to tell you, so much to share and I have no clue where to start. When you left it devastated me. I truly loved you with all of my soul and it was like a part of me was missing, was broken."

"I've been seeing a therapist to deal with panic attacks and stress. When you left me, both at the hotel and with the letter, I felt as if it was my fault somehow. Like I wasn't good enough or I had done something wrong. It caused me to question our relationship and everything that had happened between us."

The fact that she questioned their love shocked him to his core. He knew that she was seeing a therapist from talking with Rose, but he didn't know the specifics. Now that he did, Edward couldn't stand it and he was disgusted with himself. His eyes strayed to the water, afraid to see the truth of the words in her eyes.

"I promise you that was never my intention. I can truly say I was devastated, every moment I wanted to be by your side. The fact that you had to go see someone about feeling panicky and stressed, I feel so responsible. I can truly say I hate myself in this moment."

Her throat cleared and he found his eyes meeting hers once again. "Please don't. I've learned a lot of things through therapy and one of the main ones is that you need to take responsibility for your actions. I could have come after you, Edward, and I probably should have."

Bella looked nervous, almost to the point of making herself sick.

"I have something I need to tell you and I need you to understand that I haven't known for very long and I have been trying to work up the nerve to talk to you and tell you."

She cleared her throat nervously again, and suddenly her eyes diverted, concentrating on the moon above them.

"Edward, I'm pregnant."

--

Bella sat watching him carefully; afraid at any moment that he would get up and run away from her, realize that she wasn't worth it. His mouth moved slowly, as if trying to process and talk at the same time. She found herself giggling and he looked at her in shock.

"Sorry, just the look on your face." She found herself snorting.

"You're serious, right? You aren't messing with me?" Edward sounded confused and his hands yanked on his hair unconsciously.

"Why would I lie about something like that?" Bella questioned, angry at his accusation.

"Well it's pretty hard to take you seriously when you are laughing and snorting. I wanted to make sure you were serious before I got my hopes up."

He smiled then, truly smiled and it was one of the most beautiful things she had seen in quite awhile. She found his arms around her hugging her closely to him.

"We're having a baby," the words were a whisper and barely audible to her, but still she heard them. They sent a tingle up her spine and she looked him in the eyes, nodding softly.

Her phone buzzed in her pocket then and her brow furrowed in annoyance. "I have to go get Alice from the sitters she has been there most of the day."

Edward looked at her for a moment before getting up and pulling her up to her feet. "I'll walk you to your car."

The intensity in his eyes caused a shiver once again to flutter up her spine and she simply nodded, entwining her hand with his. They walked the trodden path, neither speaking. It wasn't a heavy silence but it was filled with so many implications that it made her head spin and her heart stutter.

The fact that he was touching her wasn't what was distracting her, but how innocently his hand brushed her that distracted her. It had been such a long time since she had felt anything even closely resembling a lover's touch. It made her heart sing.

Edward stopped in front of her car, a small smile on his face. Bella could feel his fingers playing with hers, could feel the tension tightening in her chest. He looked at her in confusion before realizing something was wrong.

Closing her eyes, she leaned her head back gasps coming from her mouth.

"Bella?" Edward sounded panicked. "Are you okay?"

"Just give me a minute" she gasped out, her hand clenching her chest as she tried to relax her muscles. After a moment she opened her eyes looking at him and smiling.

"That was the shortest panic attack I have ever had."

His brow was furrowed in worry and she found her hand reaching out and smoothing it out. "I'm alright, it was nothing compared to how they have been. Don't worry."

He nodded, but Bella could tell that the concern hadn't fully left him and she shrugged. "It's just my body's way of telling me that too much is going on."

"I think I need some time." She whispered softly. "I need to just process everything."

"I understand." His voice broke as he spoke and the hurt on his face made her inwardly wince. She didn't want to hurt him; she just needed to process everything, to calm down. He pulled her into him, hugging her tightly as if fighting to not let her go.

She couldn't stop herself and the next thing she knew their lips had met in a kiss, which he quickly deepened. Her breaths came in pants as her hands tangled in his unruly hair, tugging on it hard. He groaned and she found herself being pushed backwards, the frame of the car door digging into her back.

Bella pulled her head back, resting it against the car as he continued to kiss down her neck. After a moment he pulled away as well his breathing erratic and a small frown upon his face. They quietly looked at each other without saying a word.

"Sorry," She stated shrugging softly as she broke the silence.

"Trust me, I don't mind at all." He looked sheepish and she couldn't help the giggle that escaped her lips. "Can I get your phone number; you seem to have changed it."

Bella quickly wrote the number down, shoving the piece of envelope into his hands. "Goodnight," she whispered.

"Dream of me my love." Edward replied, making his way to his car.

Bella sat in the car, trying to ignore the tingling sensation that still lingered on her lips. Reaching up she slowly massaged her straining eyes. She was so tired and for the first time in a long time, she actually thought she might get a good night's sleep.

I'm planning on trying to update Friday, but there will definitely NOT be an update on Sunday (as it is a holiday weekend) and I am going to be out of town!

An important thing to keep in mind… Bella had a panic attack by the car… after the air was clear between the two of them. E and B have talked and begun to reconcile but there are still issues and things that need to be addressed!

Check out the thread for this story on Twilighted! I've begun to post alternate sneak peeks (different from the one emailed out) there for those who are chatting! Also check out my ff forum. Both links are located in my profile! Thanks to all of you who reviewed or added this story to your alerts or favorites!