Hey all! Sorry I've been taking SO long to post these few chapters but as I warned I'm going to be taking longer because now it's getting closer to the series portion of the story.
Also! Great news! I was able to find the Los Angeles: BB Murder Cases online somewhere and was able to use it to add to BB's character and I made A LOT of notes (17 pages worth) so when I get to the case I can be as accurate as possible.
If you want to read the Los Angeles: BB Murder Cases I have a link I found in my profile! The website seemed safe (I've had no issues since I went onto it) and if you don't care to read the whole story I also have two links on there I found a poem someone wrote in BB's POV and someone basically summarized the entire book into about a page or two of information. I DID NOT WROTE THEM AND TAKE NO CREDIT FOR THEM I ONLY USED THEM AS FURTHER REFERENCE!
Without further stalling please enjoy this long chapter in Tsuki's POV (it's over 11,000 words long!) to celebrate the 1st month of my fic's activation! (T_T they grow up so fast!) Italics are memories!
Warning: emotional overload fast approaching!
"Tsuki?" I heard L say from somewhere on my left, his voice sounded as if he was far away... I looked at him slowly. When had he moved me outside?
The last thing I remembered was looking at the mirrors...
"Thanks for the memories No-Name!"
Did he think he was funny?
What did he even mean by that?
Though he seemed to honestly believe he loved me...did he view this as some sick date or something?
What did-
"Tsuki." I heard L say again, his voice was more clear this time. I slowly blinked a few times. It was raining...but I wasn't getting wet...an umbrella?
"L?" I heard my voice say quietly. I saw him give me a little smile and he started to say something but I couldn't hear it.
What was going on? Why couldn't I hear him clearly? Why didn't I remember coming outside? Why couldn't I remember what happened before BB disappeared again?
What the hell happened this time?
I wished I had never met BB...but I couldn't forget it...
I almost jumped out of my skin hearing the phone ringing in L's room. Who could be calling us? There was no telling with how many cases we were working on at the moment. I answered the phone putting it on the speaker phone function curiously. I looked at the phone trying to anticipate who could be calling us while L appeared disinterested as he stared at the computer ahead of him typing vigorously.
"Hello?" I said cautiously but I tried to sound as monotonous as possible, I knew my voice would be scrambled but I worried I would leak too much emotion regardless. L always managed to speak without much, unless he was talking to me privately, and this was the way countless police agencies, fellow detectives and anyone that could give viable information was contacting us.
"Tsuki...L...there's someone the both of you should meet could you please come down to my office?" Watari's voice said kindly.
"Of course Watari." L said easily, there was a moment of silence before Watari responded.
"Very well, I'll be expecting you." And with that he hung up.
I looked at L confused, who could Watari want us to meet? He knew we were working on a case...well several cases to be exact...I hung up the phone slightly perplexed. Watari never called us...
"Who do you think it is L?" I asked quietly.
"I'm not quite sure, but for him to call us to his office while we are working it must be important." He said as he climbed out of his chair, his seemingly small body awkwardly moving towards the door. Sometimes I really couldn't believe he was 12 with how he moved and held himself. Sure, he looked the part of a 12 year old, but sometimes I wondered...especially with how he acted sometimes...
"Tsuki are you coming?" He questioned quietly by the door. I gave him a slight pout and walked up to him.
"Of course I am!" I said giving him a quick kiss on the cheek, earning a slight blush from him. We had only been together nineteen months now and still he blushed when I kissed him...too cute! "Come on Panda, we don't want to keep them waiting." I teased as I left his room; he made some sound and shuffled quietly behind me as we headed to Watari's office, the only sound coming from us was our bare feet pattering softly against the wood of the hallway.
What could be the reason Watari would call us to his office? Most of the time when someone was called to the office it was because they were in trouble, and even then it was Rodger's office they went to. No one was really called to Watari's office...if Watari had something about a case he needed to share with us he brought it to either L or my room for safety measures. We had to be as careful as possible when it came to handling information about a case; the less leaked the more air tight we could make the case.
However, that wasn't the reason we were going to his office. Watari said he had someone he wanted us to meet...who would Watari introduce us to? Who was so important that we had to reveal ourselves to them? We never met anyone; the only people we associated with were residents of Wammy House, never someone from the outside. Even then, we never really associated with anyone in Wammy House and if we did we didn't really tell anyone who we were; we were to remain unknown after all.
I racked my brain the entire way to the office; nothing came up as a possibility. I stopped to knock but L already was turning the door handle. I couldn't help but roll my eyes at him. I knew Watari was expecting us but it was just common courtesy to knock. I let out a sigh and walked in with L only to stop with what I knew was a baffled and shocked expression.
L was in Watari's office...but beside me as well.
What...was going on?
"Ah, Tsuki...L...this is B." Watari said with a kind look. "He is the second child I have taken in to become L's successor."
It made sense now, why Watari wanted us to meet him in his office.
Also...I knew why I didn't expect this, L already had a successor named A. A was a quiet boy, but nothing about him really stood out. He enjoyed playing outside, video games, board games, studying and rough housing slightly. He ate normal meals with normal proportions, he wasn't overly polite but he wasn't rude. The best way I could describe A in a quick manner is that he's average. That isn't to say that A wasn't bright, he was, but if his intelligence wasn't being put to the test, no one would understand why he was in Wammy House. Sometimes I wondered if he should have been brought here, he never seems enthusiastic about what he's required to learn or perform on. I had a feeling A would rather have a carefree life being a little above average in the regular world. I wondered if Watari had made a mistake taking in A as a successor for L...
I never thought Watari would take in another potential successor for L, though now I just thought of myself as dense for that very reason. L is the greatest detective in the world; of course more than one potential successor would be taken in. It was a brilliant move on Watari's part, however I couldn't help but question if it was a rushed decision.
B looked like he could have been related to L...it was...chilling...how similar they looked.
He had dark messy hair like L's that even seemed to be roughly the same length, but his hair wasn't as wild; it looked messy in a lazy way, while L's looked messy in a wild way. His complexion was just as fair as L's, I couldn't tell from where I was if it was the same tone, perhaps L's was slightly lighter? He wore a baggy long sleeved black shirt and had on baggy blue jeans, his shoes were on the floor. He was even sitting L style but from what I could see he wasn't just sitting on his feet, his bottom was actually touching the seat, his arms were wrapped around his legs. He even fidgeted with his toes like L often did. The distinct difference between L and B's appearance that, to me, they don't even come close to matching up with: their eyes.
L's eyes were dark, almost black with a faint grayish ring around them and he had constant dark circles under his eyes from his lack of sleep. He had no detectable pupil in his eyes and most of the time his eyes appeared hollow and expressionless.
B's were different entirely. His eyes held life in them, but were dark, almost as dark as L's with even the same faint grayish ring around them; however, his eyes had a reddish tint to them if you looked at them closely. I could see no bags under his eyes; I assumed he didn't suffer from insomnia...lucky...Unlike L's eyes holding almost no emotion in them, unless it was when we were alone together, B's held emotion. One emotion in particular was strongest: curiosity...but it was coated in sinister evil.
He smiled at us, a wide smile one would think was warm, but I could see how carefully practiced it was. He radiated evil...
"It...it's a pleasure to meet you B." I said quietly as L and I finally stepped into the office closing the door behind us. "And as Watari said...I'm Tsuki."
L said nothing beside me but honestly what could he say? How do you speak to someone who you just met that you also learned is only there to take your place? L was behaving no different from when he met A, I couldn't blame him though. It was fascinating and frightening to meet the man that was to succeed L if something were to happen to him.
What could B stand for? I couldn't help but wonder. Did he choose to be called B? Was it Watari's idea? Was-
"Yes, a pleasure as well, Tsuki..." He slowly released his legs and touched them to the ground just as leisurely. He stood in a careful manner that chilled me beyond all measure, how was he so much like L? Especially when he had never interacted with him before.
He stopped in front of us and I felt my body coursing with adrenaline to run from this young man. He had to of been around our ages, perhaps closer to L's but I could sense such darkness in him it kept me on edge. His eyes landed on my face and he just stared at me for a moment before shifting his eyes upward slightly then back to my face. B's expression was unreadable but his eyes danced with sinister mischief. Slowly he moved his gaze to L's face and stared at him for a moment before shifting his eyes upward then back to L's face.
A slow careful, yet innocently evil smile made its way to his face, "A pleasure to meet someone with so much life..." he said softly, in an almost kind way as he glanced at me, "...and someone severely lacking in life..." he finished as he glanced at L. "What a shame this is..." he finished cryptically, a slight eerie chuckle coming from him, this one didn't seem forced but it chilled me horribly. It reminded me of death...
It seemed like the kind of sound that would only come from a Shinigami...
That probably said it all...that I instantly thought of his laugh as one that would come from a Shinigami...B was not someone I was going to enjoy running into.
And what did he mean...by I had so much life...and that L was severely lacking it? Was that a threat? Or a promise?
"Tsuki!" I slightly jumped as L yelled my name from somewhere beside me, his voice sounded slightly muffled but was unmistakably loud.
"What?" I heard my muddled voice ask. I felt faint sensations of being touched and something bright kept coming in front of my face. What was going on? What was touching me?!...wait...was something even touching me? It felt like it...but at the same time it didn't...
"Come now Tsuki, I want to see how you faired during this exam." B said from behind me. I turned to look at him refusing to allow myself to jump, I wasn't the type to jump when startled but B defied that logic.
"Why does it matter how I did? Shouldn't you be worried about your own exam results?" I probed smoothly.
"Yes, but I would like to see how I fair against the woman that works with L." He gave me a slight challenging grin as his tone picked up ever slightly as a warning. Bastard! He knew he wasn't to mention I worked with L and we weren't even to hint to L's identity.
I let out a sigh and handed him my scored test. "Here...knock yourself out." I said in the most dry tone I could muster.
He looked at me in surprise, genuine surprise as he handed me my exam back, "You got a higher score than me...in anatomy no less...I love the subject." He said with a clearly surprised tone.
I gave him a little smile, "I love the subject as well B." I said as I looked at his exam he handed to me. I looked through his answers and gave him a slightly bigger smile. "I didn't do much better; it was only one more mark that separated our scores. I'm sure we'll rival each other in this subject...I'll have to try extra hard now." I could hear the slight playful edge in my tone.
He gave me a slight thoughtful look but had on a kind smile, "Yes, and it seems from now on I'll actually have to try..."
I couldn't help but roll my eyes at him.
Jerk.
I felt my body jerk slightly as I saw Martha's letter in my mind suddenly. What? What was that? Why was I thinking of her letter?...oh yah...BB destroyed it...of course I'd looked at it so much I remember every detail of the letter. I didn't need to read it anymore to know what it said...how could I forget...
I miss Captain Cuddles...I wanted to hug him one more time...but I wouldn't get to now...he was gone...allllll gone...bye bye Captain Cuddles...
I'm sorry I couldn't protect you like Martha wanted...
Martha...when will I completely lose you?
What's going on with me?
"What's wrong Tsuki?" B asked me from behind. I tensed slightly as I continued to the music room.
"Nothing's wrong, I'm just going to play the piano to relax my mind." I said as easily as I could.
"Oh...yes you must need to relax your mind...after all the cases you and L work on are quite strenuous...and you are a woman after all..." He said innocently.
"What exactly is that supposed to mean?" I asked trying to keep the fire I felt burning within me at bay. What I wouldn't give to clock the boy just once.
"Hm? Oh you didn't understand what I meant...I'm not surprised of course. I simply mean that you are not as mentally strong or prepared for the tasks asked of you." He said in the same innocent tone.
"Excuse me?" I asked as I stopped in my tracks and looked at him. I knew I had a hard set to my face and that my eyes were blazing with my annoyance. I was not in the mood for his condescending talk.
He paused and looked at me and ever so slightly tilted his head, "Hm...I have to further explain myself...very unlike you...very well. What I mean is that you need to find ways to relax and take your mind off of these tasks while L handles the burdens so well." He said, a slight smugness was now detectable in his tone.
"Actually B," I could hear the venom in my voice but I didn't much care, I was tired of him always talking to me in such a way, "L has ways he deals with the stress of these cases as well, so please don't assume that it's just me. Everyone needs an outlet for the stressors in their life or we would all crumble under what is expected of us. Playing music just happens to be the way I choose to handle my stress when I am able to. I find it's very relaxing to let out the things I have had to think about or see in the form of art. I can mourn the pain of others and allow my mind to recuperate so I can be just as sharp and useful on the next assignments. When I am unable to play the piano I do other things as well that don't require me to leave my room. I won't indulge your curiosity further but just because you can't see someone doing something, or you want to jump to conclusions about their behavior or reasons for things does not give you the right to judge. I have been working on cases much longer than L, so please, next time you wish to make an assumption about me think before you speak. It's rather beneath both your and my intelligence for you to not do so." I finished with a small breath calming myself instantly; I turned sharply on my heel and proceeded to my destination.
I faintly heart B respond to me, "Yes, it seems I was mistaken...color me intrigued Tsuki...you have my respect..." he walked off with an eerie chuckle that echoed in the hallway and sent shivers down my spine.
I blinked slowly and looked around. We were in our hotel room. Wait...weren't we just outside...with someone...talking to me? And I think they were touching me too... Were they? And what the hell was touching me then...did that even really happen?
What was...I had something important I needed to do...what was it though?...Sargent Justice! I looked around frantically, but I could feel my movements were painfully slow, and felt my eyes burn with my relief as he crawled into my lap licking my face worriedly. He was alright...Why did I have to make sure he was alright? And why did it feel like he wasn't really licking my face? I could feel something touching me and I could faintly tell it was wet but it seemed...wrong...
When had we gotten back to the hotel? Weren't we outside? How had I gotten outside? Where was BB?
"L..." I heard myself say quietly. What was wrong with me?
"Tsuki what is it? Are you alright?" I could hear an edge of something in his voice but I couldn't hear him clearly enough to know what it was. Why was my hearing...off? Is that the word I was even meaning to use? What's wrong with me? What happened? What was going on?
"Oh Tsuki...good I caught you." The voice of B said from in front of me. I paused my movements mid-step and looked up from the book I was reading. B was leaning against the right hand side of the hall I resided in. Thankfully he was in a different hallway. I think if we were in the same hall my insomnia would be worse than it already is.
"What is it you need B?" I asked as politely as I could. He gave me the creeps and a voice in the back of my head told me one word that was on constant repeat every time I was around him: RUN.
"I wanted to ask if you wanted to make jam with me." He asked smiling at me, his smile came off as kind and sweet, his expression seemed innocent, but...he was not any of these things. He could believably fake all emotion, it made me fearful how easily it was for him to slip into certain behavior. Sometimes I could hear him mutter to himself, "No that was too much." Or "Hm...perhaps like this next time."
What kind of person practiced how to speak or sound with others?
The only conclusion I could come up with is: sociopath.
Everything about him screamed he had ill intents on his mind, but nonetheless I was pleasant to him. Just because he could be incapable of feeling compassion and true emotion towards others doesn't mean he would become a serial killer like stereotypically believed. Not every sociopath becomes a serial killer...I really hoped B wouldn't.
"Well?" He pressed, innocent curiosity written across his face.
I floundered for a minute thinking of an answer to his question. I was busy working on a case at the moment and I was eagerly trying to distract my mind from the thoughts of it, it was a bit horrific, but would spending time with B make me feel any better?
"Sure." I finally said, as long as he was being pleasant I didn't see the harm in indulging in his request for time together. I mean...we were just going to make jam. "Let me go put my book up and I'll meet you in the kitchen." I said giving him a kind smile.
His face lit up slightly and he gave me an adorable wide grin. For a moment...I was able to forget he creped me out.
"Alright." He said as he turned and headed towards the kitchen. I felt myself smile slightly, he was cute sometimes.
I headed back to my room and put up my book quickly then retraced the steps I had just taken to go to my original destination. B was cute, in a way. I couldn't deny that. The thing of it was though...he was creepy while he was being cute. His overall persona came off as sinister and naïve. It was astounding how he managed the two so well.
I wondered if B was a sociopath. By definition, a sociopath was incapable of feeling empathy. It's a mental disorder that the person suffers from making them unable to care about anyone but themselves. To them people are tools they use to gain what they want out of life. Of course, they can imitate empathy and concern but only when it is beneficial to them. However, since they are unable of feeling the emotion themselves, their behavior usually comes off as almost callous and distant. They don't feel compassion or fear, which makes them essentially free from any moral standings, if you didn't care for anyone but yourself, and did not fear dying...what would you do? This is why most serial killers are sociopaths; killing for them is meaningless and wouldn't affect them in any way.
Could B actually be a sociopath? Too many of the traits I knew of sociopaths fit him...I was afraid to know the truth of the matter.
I got to the kitchen and couldn't help but smile as B came into the kitchen with a four gallon bucket filled to the rim with strawberries. He looked at me and gave me a small grin as he carried it awkwardly to the sink. He dumped them into the sink and turned on the water. I walked over to him and we washed out the bucket and began picking off the stems of all the strawberries as they were getting washed off and tossing them onto a towel B had placed on the counter so they could dry.
Next we blended the strawberries into an almost liquefied form putting it all back in the large bucket. B had a small happy look on his face as he went over to the area where all the spices and such were kept. He came back over to me with a five pound bag of sugar and grinned at me. I couldn't help but smile at him, if no other time he actually seemed genuine when he was making jam. Something about it seemed to make him truly feel. I smiled as I went over to get the large jar of honey that was sitting in the pantry and came back holding it. He gave me a slightly perplexed look and tilted his head as he looked at me.
"Tsuki, what are you doing with the honey?" He asked curiously, his eyes wide and innocent looking.
"Going to add it to the jam of course! It makes it extra sweet in the most wonderful way." I said kindly. After knowing L so long I learned many different and creative ways to make things more sweet. It was odd to me how B had the same obsessions with sweets, but it mostly seemed limited to jam and drinks.
He slightly beamed at me and nodded enthusiastically. "Please let's continue then. I can't wait to try the jam with honey in it." He said with an almost excited tone.
I nodded and began to hum Mozart's 40th Symphony as we continued to work on the jam; I could feel B's eyes land on me more often than they already were once I started humming...
It took us several large pots to account for all the mixings and such we had to do. I found myself slightly laughing as we began to coordinate our movements trying to keep all the jam from boiling over or burning slightly. We ended up adding the entire bag of sugar to it along with several cups of honey.
B happily helped me sterilize the jars needed to store the excess jam and by the time it was done there were 10 jars of various sizes, most of them quite large, filled with the jam we made. He left the jars on the counter to cool as he helped me clean the kitchen up. After the kitchen was clean we made labels for the jam that read "B's Strawberry Jam: April 4, 1994". He looked at me once we were finished and gave me a small smile.
It took me a minute to realize that it was a real smile. I actually got a real smile from B, it was a small smile but it was real.
He looked nice when he was genuine...
I realized when he smiled at me that I had actually allowed myself to relax slightly around him. I had enjoyed spending time with B; I actually wasn't creped out by his presence.
I decided not to overthink it and just attribute it to the fact that we had been cooking and hadn't really spoken.
"Thank you for assisting me Tsuki. I could have easily done it on my own, but with your presence I found that I enjoyed it 60% more than if I were doing so alone." He said as he continued to smile at me, the fact he used percentages when he spoke unnerved me but for some reason at the moment it didn't.
I smiled warmly at him, "I enjoyed helping you B. If you ever want me to help you make more, and I am able to, I would love to help you again." I said surprising myself.
Was I really just being polite or was I trying to make myself see that there was much more to B than I gave him credit for?
He looked overall surprised at my words but beamed slightly at me, "I would thoroughly enjoy your assistance in the future." He said as he started heading to the refrigerator. He pulled open the door and got out a small jar of jam before starting to head off leaving the door wide open.
I found myself rolling my eyes at his behavior and closed the door. It was often B forgot to, or at least he just didn't care to, close the refrigerator door. I wondered if he had some reason for not doing so or if it just seemed unimportant to him since he only needed to open the door to get what he wanted, closing it would serve him no purpose other than wasted effort.
Was I overanalyzing B?
Perhaps...but it still fascinated me in the most chilling way.
I went to head back to my room and stopped when I saw B standing in the middle of the hallway licking jam off of his fingers looking at me with his wide, unblinking eyes.
I swear if I wasn't used to L doing this sort of thing to me it would have made me run away from him.
"Yes?" I asked him quietly, he gave me a small grin. I wondered why he was looking at me the way he was.
I was almost afraid to find out...
He motioned for me to move closer to him and after a few silent seconds of debating I indulged in his request. I stopped just in front of him and he leaned forward, I had to fight to keep from flinching back.
"Beyond Birthday." He whispered to me before walking off casually as if my presence was no longer in the vicinity.
I stood there for a moment before I realized he had told me his true name.
Why would he...?
I turned to look for him and found he was gone, only the lingering smell of strawberry jam was around me. I went to L's room instantly to tell him of my latest encounter with B...or should I say Beyond Birthday?...or wait...was it Birthday Beyond?...Hm...um...crap!
I felt myself laugh slightly as I came out of the memory; the sound startled me because it sounded far off and wrong. That was the day I learned his name, but I could never remember which way it went. It surprised me so much that I was caught off guard entirely and couldn't even remember which of his names was first and which was last. I told L his name, but I went with the gut feeling I had that it was Birthday Beyond...though something now told me I was incorrect...shoot...which was it?
"Tsuki..." I heard L say beside me again. How many times has he said my name?
Wait...his voice is clearer...well more clear than it had been but it was still...off? Is that even the word I was looking for?
I looked to him slowly and smiled a little. I felt more myself.
Was I simply in shock over what had happened?
Was that why I was so...unreachable?
No...wait that's wrong...if I was in shock I would be in the hospital, not in the hotel room right now. Hm...what had happened?
No...no that's not right...I was in shock but it wasn't Circularity Shock, I was in Psychological Shock...that's what is is...but it's more commonly known as Acute Stress Reaction. That's right...Circularity Shock means my heart was at risk...Acute Stress Reaction is just the brain temporarily being in a stupor.
It's strange...I can figure this out...while not all mentally here...
Where is here?
Where am I again?
Oh, right. Our hotel room...where was our hotel room located though?
Hm...wait...wait...where was L?
I looked around slowly and looked at him curiously. He was right beside me...is that why he was so loud? But wait...L wasn't a loud person...he could be...but he wasn't...was he trying to be loud?
But why was his voice so unclear? How could he be so loud, but so unclear?
How far in a state of shock was I in?
In...in...in...in...
"Are you in or not?" a young boy asked me roughly.
"In? No way! That's against the rules!" I cried out. The young boy just laughed at me and ran to Watari's office.
I debated for a moment, act or not. If I did, there was a chance someone could get hurt the boy was more prone to violence than I was comfortable with facing. However, if I did not act he could potentially contaminate valuable records or even reveal the identities of most of the residence of Wammy House.
Ugh...kids...
I was still a kid myself but still UGH!
I ran behind him to the office and slightly jumped in surprise as BB knocked out the young child easily. I looked at him cautiously. He gave me a small wry smile as he walked over to me. I gave him an unsure smile but a smile nonetheless.
"Thanks BB." I said quietly. I sighed and picked the boy up moving him to a nearby bench. I started to head to another faculty member's office when he walked up to me quietly.
"No problem." He said easily. I heard the unsaid "but" of his comment and sure enough, "But you know...you could have easily prevented my involvement if you weren't so hesitant." He finished with an almost kind tone, almost being the key word here.
Of course he had to insult me, that's how BB was. He unnerved me to no end and got on my nerves as well. How could someone that was so similar to my beloved L grate on my nerves so much?
BB looked at me slowly, a slight grin on his face. Oh great...now what?
"Tsuki...I find it odd you never returned my gesture." He said in an accusing tone.
I stopped and looked at him perplexed. "I'm afraid I don't quite know what you mean BB?" I said more as a question than a statement.
He leaned close and I felt my body tense with the desire to flinch back or to run from him. "The gesture of revealing yourself to me as I have done to you." He said in the most straightforward way.
"Excuse me?" The boy had lost me entirely and that was no small feat.
"Oh...seems I've lost you in that manner of explanation...allow me to try again." he said, his tone not hiding the insult he unintentionally threw at me, "What I mean is that I revealed my name to you, but you have not returned the courtesy." He said with a slight sad tone.
I resisted the urge to roll my eyes at his poor attempt at guilt; he wasn't good at it even when he "tried".
"I wasn't aware it was a requirement." I said casually. I didn't want to tell him my name, besides how was I even sure his name was...Beyond Birthday...or did I have it backwards?...no wait I did it was Birthday Beyond...right?...Damn...I could never remember and I was not going to give him the satisfaction I had it wrong. So I stuck with calling him "BB" lately instead of just "B".
"It wasn't a requirement, it's just polite." He said with a slight smugness to his tone.
I couldn't resist the urge to give him a look, "How can I be certain you even told me your real name? I could tell you mine and you simply told me an alias." I said holding back the frost I felt begging to be in that tone.
He looked thoughtful for a moment, "Hm...I suppose you are right...but I assure you that was my real name...though I guess how much weight that holds depends on yourself and your ability to believe me." He said shrugging slightly.
"Yes, and in an orphanage where we are specifically told not to reveal our true names, I find it highly improbable that you told me your true name. And even if you did, it takes a great deal of trust and respect to tell another your name. I'm not saying I mistrust you," even though I did but that was beside the point I was making at the moment, "nevertheless the fact still remains that I would rather not reveal my true name to you. No one knows my real name and I intend to keep it that way." Ok...I told a little white lie but I didn't want him knowing my name.
"Something you just said to me was a lie." He said almost as soon as the words had left my mouth. I looked at him perplexed. Had he really seen through my little white lie?
"No, I assure you-"
"Please Takara," he said almost coldly, "I am not senseless and would rather you not lie to me." He said as he began to walk off.
I froze in place then instantly forced myself to look at him; I gave him the most convincing confused expression I could before speaking. "Why did you call me that?" I asked in the most believable confused tone I could muster.
"Call you what?" he asked as he turned to face me. "I called you Tsuki didn't I?" his tone almost sounded innocent. Almost.
"No...you..." I paused, "wait...yes...I guess I misheard you." I said deciding to let it go, the more I pushed it the more suspicious it would look.
"Ah, yes women seem to have problems hearing don't they?" He said with an almost smile. "Take care." He said before shuffling off as close to L's manner of doing so as possible.
How...the hell did he know my first name?
I frowned slightly. How did he know my name? Huh? What? What was L talking about? Breakfast?
Wasn't it dinner time? How was it breakfast now?
Is that why my stomach...hurt? I don't know if that's the sensation I mean...it feels funny...but I can't tell how...I can't...um...feel it enough? Is that what I mean?
What was going on? Why was I not able to keep time in mind? Why was I losing my sense of...does it even matter though?
Why was BB on my mind? And which damn way did his name even go!?
"Tsuki!" I heard L call from somewhere beside me. I looked over to him and gave him a little grin.
Busted.
"Yeeessss?" I asked him in a sing song voice as I threw my arms around him.
He gave me a slight annoyed look as he looked at the remains of his favorite box of chocolates that was not almost completely empty. "Did you have to eat those ones?" he sighed at me hopelessly returning my embrace.
"Yup! Know why?" I asked with a cheeky grin, "Cause they're yummy in my tummy!"
His expression was priceless.
Somewhere from behind me I heard the chilling Shinigami style laughter I was all too familiar with. I looked behind me and there he was standing there with wide unblinking eyes, his fingers stuffed into a small jar of strawberry jam...some dripping from his mouth looking a startling lot like blood...
Huh? Wait...dinner? Wasn't it just breakfast? L's not trying to be funny...where was I?...what was going on?
Why was I thinking about strawberry jam? Hm...does that sound good? No...no it doesn't I never much cared for the stuff...but I think that was because of BB...I did like strawberries...
Mmmm...strawberries are good...I want strawberries...
Is that what I'm feeling, hunger? When was the last time I ate? Wait...what day was it?...What's going on?
Why couldn't I stop picturing BB's eyes? Something seemed to say they held a significance that I should take note of...but I couldn't be sure...
Where was I again?
Who's house was this?
It's a nice place...
Wait...something about it is familiar...
Room service?...oh yah! We're in a hotel...where was this hotel again?
...China...right?
Mmmm...Chinese is good...
I know Chinese...
Well...it's not Chinese...it's Mandarin, that's the traditional form of it.
Why was I defining stuff like I was speaking to someone?
Why was I even thinking?
What was going on?
I want sugar...mmmm brownies sound good...
"You should put strawberry jam in them Tsuki, it will increase their deliciousness by 50% easily." BB said from beside me.
I held back a sigh; he just wouldn't let it go.
"BB...I appreciate the advice and I will consider it, however, this batch I would rather keep as I wish to make them." He really knew how to test my patients while I was on my menstrual cycle. I was in pain, and I wanted chocolate...was there a crime against me making myself a batch of brownies so I don't put my extensive knowledge of anatomy to use against this gnat beside me?!
"What a pity...you're going to miss out...it makes them so good." He said a small grin on his face.
Did he know how much he was pissing me off? He must have to have that grin.
"Then it seems I will miss out this time. I will take your advice next time." I said firmly as I continued to make my favorite type of brownies, dark fudge with dark chocolate chunks, white chocolate kisses and walnuts. The batter smells amazing...no don't drool don't drool!
"Very well." he said with a dramatic disheartened sigh. He looked at me for a long moment before leaning closer to me. I resisted the urge to jerk back, knowing more of BB's behavior now, I knew it was the safer choice to not give into my urge to shove him away or flinch back. He gave me a small grin and moved so quickly I doubted it happened.
Before I could react he shuffled away out of the kitchen digging his fingers into a jar and licking them clean nosily as he got further from me.
I wasn't sure what he had done until I touched my face feeling something on it and my hand flinched slightly as I felt a sticky sensation on my cheek. I moved my hand back and looked at it. I stared at what I saw...
There was strawberry jam on my hand, which meant it was on my cheek...and I was pretty sure it was in the shape of lips...
I felt myself "wake up" slowly as I blinked and took in the surroundings of the room. I sat up slowly as I stretched and noticed L sitting beside me in his preferred position with an anxious expression. I could feel that I was more "here".
"L...I'm alright..." I said quietly. I was somewhat disoriented still, the events of what happened were fuzzy at best. I could remember what happened, that BB had destroyed Martha's letter and Captain Cuddles...but other than that...I didn't really know what had happened...
I could see the relief pass over his face as he quickly pulled me to him in a slight painful hug. I was used to him crushing me against his boney frame and hugged him back ignoring the pain of his knees digging into my chest. I kissed his cheek and leaned against him slowly going over what had happened.
Where had my mind been? It was like I was in a dark closet with photos everywhere, I couldn't see them, most of the time but once in a while the light would flicker on just enough for me to see a photo, but not enough for me to take in all the details.
What happened? Why couldn't I remember much of what happened.
"L...what day is it? The last thing I remember...I think is going into the 'Fun House' and...then...BB...and I know I talked to him...but I don't know what about...and I know...he...he burned Martha's letter...and Captain Cuddles was destroyed...it's all so fuzzy...almost like it's a fabricated memory rather than a real one..." I said with difficulty, I was struggling to recall as much of the event as I could.
"You remember more than I know then..." He said after a minute. "We went into the 'Fun House' and we were forced to go down different pathways. Once we did I would say a couple of minutes later I heard you scream and then the lights went out. I found a way out through a small opening he seemed to have made in the side of the building and went to get help. I had no way of seeing enough to be of assistance to you and I knew you could handle yourself." He paused, I could tell he didn't like admitting to the fact he couldn't help me. "When I returned with help I saw there were bombs set to the doors that were activated once the doors were closed. If anything opened or even slightly moved the door they would have detonated. After the bombs were removed I was allowed to go inside to look for you behind the police. We found you in the center of the 'Fun House' and you were blankly staring ahead of you. You looked relaxed and unharmed, but your eyes were almost hallow." He paused again and slightly buried his face into my neck. I could feel him breathing slowly against me.
I waited for him to continue but I knew from his silence he wouldn't. I vaguely remembered him suddenly in front of me. How much time had passed since what happened?
Either he remembered I had asked the question or he heard my unsaid reminder of it, "It's December 2nd, it's been four days since the incident."
I could feel my body tense in surprise. I had been catatonic for four days? L...poor thing...he...all that time just watching me just being there...what had he done?
I felt him become slightly heavy and looked down to see he was now asleep against me. He was exhausted, more so than normal, I shifted him carefully gently forcing his body to stretch out and moved to hold him against me. I grabbed the blanket from over the couch and covered us up as I leaned back against the arm of the couch.
I ran my fingers through his hair gently and made a slight face as I felt the greasiness of his hair, I don't think he really left my side while I was...away. I inspected him further and found I had been correct on a few matters, he hadn't bathed and he surely hadn't changed his clothes since they still had a small stain he had gotten from the circus when I spilled something on him. I could see the bags under his eyes seemed to be darker, though it was hard to tell since I wasn't right in his face.
The idea may seem absurd but I can honestly tell how tired he is from a simple glance at his face; specifically the bags under his eyes. They always looked like they were dark black circles under his eyes, but when he got some sleep they actually looked a really dark purplish-blue. Right now however, I could tell they were much darker as I leaned closer to him. The stress of what happened had taken its toll on him. I knew after we got home from the circus he was going to sleep that night; he hadn't slept much beforehand, even less than normal. However, since he seemed to not have slept in a longer period of time than he's used to he had almost black circles under his eyes.
Something struck me as odd about the entire situation I had been through. Well...the entire thing did but something stuck out to me in particular.
BB's appearance.
Why did he look so different this time around? Last year he looked a startling lot like L. I was used to this, of course, since he had done everything humanly possible to copy L's appearance. He even went as far as wearing makeup to further resemble L.
This time...he looked similar, but entirely different.
Why did he look so different this time?
"What were you trying to tell me BB..." I whispered to myself as I stared intently at L's face. Perhaps looking at L would help since I was picturing the differences in BB from last year to this.
What caused him to alter his appearance so much? He always made a point to look like L...so why would he let himself slip from that?
Could it be that BB hadn't seen L for a while so he let it-
No no that was wrong.
L wasn't the type to change so easily...I mean the man's been wearing the same exact wardrobe since I met him! That was 13 years ago! So that wasn't a logical reason BB would change his attempts to be like L.
No it was something else...something more meaningful. BB never did anything without reason, much like L; though to me it seemed entirely different.
L did things in code because that's something he learned to do to survive and to test people.
BB did things in a complex way or in code simply because he wanted to see if someone could figure it out and notice what was...different...
Wait...that's it...
"Tell me Tsuki...do you know what 'B' stands for?" BB said beside me quietly, his tone seemed almost sad.
I looked at him from my crossword puzzle and gave him a perplexed look. Why would he ask me such a thing out of the blue?
"No BB, I'm afraid I don't know." I said softly.
"It stands for Backup." He said with soft anger.
I felt a gasp escape my lips. "Backup?!" I almost shouted. How could he have such a cruel name? What...no I knew BB hadn't chosen to be called Backup...it had to of been...but...why would Watari call him something so cruel?
I understand of course, Watari was a brilliant inventor and knew the basic way of the world through an inventor's eyes: always be prepared and ready to repair.
But...to name a child Backup?!
"BB..." I whispered as I reached out slowly to him. "I...I'm so sorry...that you are stuck with such a horrid name...I do understand what Watari was thinking but...I'm so sorry." He looked at me with an unreadable expression as my hand touched his shoulder. I couldn't resist the urge to and I gently pulled him to me.
His body stiffened as I embraced him close. "What are you doing?" he asked in a tense tone.
"Hugging you..." I said gently. I could actually feel how frail he felt, he didn't have the muscle development L seemed to have but he had some obvious strength to him. "I want you to know something BB..." he was silent in my arms so I continued. "You are not a Backup. That may be the unfortunate thing you were called but that does not define you or control who you become. You are your own person. Just like everyone else you are beautifully unique. I don't ever want you to think of yourself as 'Backup' or 'B' anymore. You are 'BB', your own identity and your own person." I said with burning eyes.
"Tsuki..." he said after a minute of quiet. I tightened my hold on him and slowly I felt him return the embrace, it was more awkward than when L would first hug me and it felt tense, but sad. "Thank you...even if...to the rest of the world...all I am ever seen as is 'Backup' for L...I know to one person...I am not such a thing." He said slightly leaning his head on my shoulder.
"No BB, you never will be. You're always going to be BB to me; I'll never look at you as just someone there to replace L. You are you and I will never see you as anything but."
I felt my eyes burning as I broke out of the memory. BB was always treated like just a copy...like someone that wasn't a real person. How could the world do that to him? You only get one life; it's so heartbreaking to think that BB never got a fair chance to be just BB.
That's why he looked different this time. Last time, he was trying to make me reject L...and see that I can't trust everything my eyes show me. This time he looked different because he wanted me to see BB, not L. I was still working on my theory for why he looked like L last time I saw him, but I was almost 84% certain that I was right or as close to accurate as possible without BB telling me directly.
...I just used a percentage to predict how accurate I was again, didn't I? L is really rubbing off on me isn't he?...Oh great...I really am turning into my awkward boyfriend...
I looked at L and forced myself to slowly and quietly move away from him lying him down carefully on the couch. He slightly stirred but remained asleep. I smiled slightly at him and began to search our hotel suite. Luckily we were in the same one as we had been before the incident.
BB's favorite game: find what's supposed to be there but is not. BB left a clue to why he did everything, I knew he did but I wasn't sure what.
Sargent Justice followed me around quietly and made a small barking sound. I knelt beside him and pet him gently trying to make sure he stayed quiet. L needed rest and given the condition I had been in I doubted he made any effort to look for what BB had done to the room.
No...this was for me. I didn't want L to help me look for anything and I didn't want any clues. I had to do this myself. I was going to get answers.
The most frustrating thing, I couldn't remember what I had talked with him about when I saw him. The memory was there but it was so fuzzy I couldn't entirely recall it. It was a clear as trying to read a message underwater. You could make out just enough detail to guess what it said but you couldn't be entirely sure.
I wanted to be sure.
I spent what felt like hours searching the hotel room and stopped in my tracks getting an idea. It wasn't BB's style, entirely, but it would make sense with the situation: Look where I had kept the letter and Captain Cuddles.
I went into L and my room and searched through my temporary drawers in the dresser until I found the little plastic box I had put them in so long ago. I felt my eyes slightly burning as I looked at the box.
This is where I had kept my most precious memories, even Coony was in here.
I opened it slowly and slightly jerked my head back in surprise. The sheet protector Martha's letter had been in was occupied by a paper I knew was not her letter. In place of Captain Cuddles was a small jar. I took out the jar and stared at it in disbelief.
It was a jar of strawberry jam with a label on it reading: B's Strawberry Jam: April 4, 1994
This...I almost didn't want to believe that this was one of the same jars that we had used the first time we made jam together but sure enough it was. The jar was slightly chipped on one side and had the same flower designs adorning it.
I couldn't believe he had kept something that we had worked on together over 10 years ago...
I looked at the box again and saw that Coony was gone.
I felt myself slightly panic but I decided that I needed to look at the letter in the sheet protector before I react further.
I carefully pulled it out and saw it was a few pages long, I could instantly tell it was BB's handwriting and the date was the date of the incident, November 28, 2003.
I felt hesitant and wary as I gazed at the letter not allowing myself to skim it, what had BB wanted to say to me that he took the time to write a letter?
I felt unsure and sad as I began to read the long letter. Tears filled my eyes as I read it over slowly; by the end of it I was sobbing clutching the letter to me. I could feel my heart aching at his words. I never knew...
Oh...BB...I'm so sorry...
"Dear Takara,
By the time you've read this I will be out of the country so don't bother looking for me.
Now, onto what I wanted to say to you:
I bet you want the real reason for what happened last year...well I decided I'm going to give it to you.
I knew you always wanted to have your own children. And I knew that L would be the father of any children you had. But I saw this as a waste.
You are a beautiful, intelligent, strong, independent woman that L does not deserve. I'm sorry to know that I caused your genetic line to end. Your children would have been breathtaking...
I committed those murders because I needed to make a point to L. I was trying to bring in the best detective to find me because I needed to speak to you as well. I had to see how you were doing. I had to show him how much you should mean to him...
Each time I caught a glimpse of you or L when you left the hotel I could tell you were happy, but something was missing.
L didn't appreciate you like I know he does now.
I should explain, shouldn't I? Since you could have your own children and could have a happy future with L, he couldn't appreciate what he was lucky enough to have. A night of passionate sex leading to a life...it didn't suit you Takara. It didn't suit the life you deserve.
Now that you can no longer have your own children, L will treasure you more, as he should. You deserve to be treated with love each moment you have and I know now that you will get exactly that because now, L only has you. No possible future L Jr.'s. I can't help but smile at this knowledge...
I bet L is much more affectionate now hm? He was crazy not to be before...and that is coming from me!
I honestly wouldn't have done that to you had I known you were pregnant, but by time I discovered it, it was too late. I am sorry for that.
I know someday you and L will adopt children and you will be a deeply loving and devoted mother. I know L will step up and do his best to be a good parent as well, but no matter what I know he will be nothing compared to you.
I hope you adopt many children so they can know what it truly means to be loved and appreciated for what they are. I know you had an unpleasant past, and I'm sorry I added to your pains. But...I know this will further devote you to loving the children you will become a mother to. I hope you find broken children...because with your love alone, you could rebuild them with your bright and shining love that they forget they ever suffered.
You did that for me...I forgot how much I detested existing and people in general with your kindness and warmth in my existence...
Takara...I know you didn't believe me when I said I loved you, but I honestly do. I've never known love in my life...well I did from my parents but I lost them young so those memories are hazy.
I bet you're also wondering why I took Martha's letter and that stuffed bear of hers. The truth of the matter: I hated knowing you were hanging onto something so sad.
You have a beautiful spark of life in you and it hurt me to know you had something so tragic you carried around with you all these years. She died a long time ago Takara, you shouldn't be holding onto something so sad.
That's why I destroyed them in front of you...you had to let go.
I do understand...wanting to hold onto the last shred of her that this world had...but you were not meant to carry death around with you...
You are not someone that needs to have the constant burden of death. It's not a pleasant life and you of all people should not know it.
So I made the decision I would destroy both of her possessions in your presence. You needed to let go of the past. You need to live.
I remember how you were when A died...I could see you crumbling inside. It was destroying you being reminded that suicide is something that happens in life. I understand, of course, how tragic it is for young life to end in such a way...but you can't let every death, especially suicide, destroy you. Life ends. That's how the world goes. Sometimes it's from accidents or old age, sometimes it is from disease or murder...it even ends at one's own hand. That's life Takara...just because other life ends, don't let it end yours as well...don't lose that stunning spark of yours I love most of all.
Never give up...it doesn't suit you. You are too good for that kind of end...I couldn't handle if you just gave up...
I need to thank you Takara, though I'm sure you don't know what for. When I came to Wammy House and was told I was to be called "Backup" I couldn't show it, but it made me sad. I remember that day you told me that I shouldn't think of myself like that; it made me really happy. I know I always made you nervous and on edge, and I'm sorry I did so...but that day I knew you pushed past that to make me feel better. It worked, more than I think you could ever realize.
Other than my parents I vaguely remember, you have been the only person to show me complete kindness, despite the times you would lose your temper with me. No matter how I pushed you, you were able to push past your feelings of me and show me kindness, even if it ended up being slightly forced. It surprised me most of all when I would purposely anger you to see how you would react towards me, I was met with a sharp tongue, but I could see your kindness and care in your actions.
Ah...if only I was in L's place...
Thank you Takara, for making me forget what it was like to be constantly surrounded by death. My memories with you will always be my most treasured.
I hope when you think of me, you don't resent me for things I have done and will do. I hope you can understand why I did the things I did and look on my memory with some form of fondness, as I will do with you. I will always resent L for being the one that gets to have you at his side. I will always wish that it was me that you loved so dearly instead of him.
Every time I hear piano music, I will think of your breathtaking skill. Every time I look at the night sky, I'll see your beautiful smile. Every time I eat strawberry jam, I'll smile genuinely and remember the first time we made jam together. Every time I shut my eyes I'll see your eyes looking at me, your beautiful sparkling sapphire gems. Every time I hear someone humming I'll remember all the times I was lucky enough to hear you humming your favorite tunes. Every time I fall asleep, you'll be in my dreams and I'll be the one holding you tightly, the one able to soothe you through your insomnia into a deep restful sleep each night. Every time I hear your name, no matter the language it's in, I'll feel sad, but happy knowing you're alive and well somewhere protecting the world one case at a time. Every time I converse with someone, I'll wish it was you and I'll hear your witty remarks within my mind and feel better. Every time I walk in the moon's bright and thriving glow, I'll think of you and wish you were walking beside me. Every time I think about the things I have done, I'll wish I hadn't taken the route I had; you make me wish I was a better person. Every time I see a pregnant woman, I'll be sad because of the pain I caused you. Every time I see a woman with black hair and blue eyes, I won't know a moment of peace while she's around because all I will see is you. Every time this date comes up, I'll think about you...and remember the tears I caused you to shed. Every time your birthday comes around, I'll wonder if you're enjoying the day and celebrating your beautiful life and are happy with the man you keep at your side. Every time I feel any form of pain, I'll remind myself it's nothing compared to the anguish I have caused you. Every time I breathe, I'll hope that just one of the molecules of the oxygen have passed through your lips so we're even closer. Every time I see someone hug another, I'll think back to when I was wrapped safe in your loving embrace and the warmth that came from you. Every time I see a couple kiss, I'll think back to when I kissed you this time last year and savor the feeling of your soft lips against mine. Every time I feel a smooth material, I'll think of the feel of your skin under my fingers I was lucky enough to experience last year regardless of the conditions of it.
I don't believe perfection can exist in such an ugly world, but you made me believe this world wasn't so grotesque and that there are things close to perfect. You made the world I know brighter with your beautiful moonlight shining all around me.
I know that I love you far more than L does. How do I know this, you might ask? Well simply because I do not get to have you and he does. He's always had you beside him from the moment he met you so long ago. He's been spoiled by your constant love and comfort. He's never had to be without you. The only time he came close to that is just a year ago when I threatened your life...
Takara...I hope you know I never planned on actually killing you...I just wanted L to know the fear of losing you.
After all, a treasure as precious as you should be held tightly and admired at all times. He forgot that along the way and he needed to be reminded.
Today will be the last time you will ever see me. I hope you don't forget me...because I will never forget you. Who could ever forget you?
You know...I'm always going to wonder...what if I had met you first? Would you have fallen in love with me instead? Would I be the one that gets the chance to kiss you and tell you every day how much I love you? Would I be the one to make you cry out in ecstasy and know you were safe wrapped in my arms every night? Would I be the one showing you the deep love and affection you should be showered in every moment? I hope L steps up his game...because if he doesn't he will lose you in one way or another. I hope he makes you increasingly happy and keeps you constantly safe.
Did you like how I looked? I'll wonder about that too...I hoped you could distinguish me from L now...when you look back on me.
If you remember nothing else about me Takara, please...remember how much I love you...how much your memory has and will mean to me for the rest of my life whether it is one more day or decades more. I will love you until the day I die and even after that...
All my love for now and ever,
Beyond Birthday
P.S. I took your precious "Coony" because I needed something sweet to keep with me. I gave you my most prized possession hoping it would be enough to compensate for yours. I treasured that jar of jam since the day we made it because for once, I was truly happy. No jam could ever be as sweet as you."