Thank you to my wonderful beta, Saluki. You can check out her stuff at /dungeon. She's a very wonderful writer.
This chapter is executed from my heart and the events closely mirror my own experience. Keep tissues on hand, just in case. Thank you so much for reading and your continued support.
By the way, the wonderful Claireoth nominated my story for a Hidden Star Award: Best Tear Jerker. Voting opens on September 16 and I would appreciate your support!
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Chapter 26
I woke up a little after four o'clock in the morning. My hair was matted to my face and my breath tasted like canned cat food, so I'm sure it smelled even worse. Ugh.
I closed the distance between myself and my dad quickly; I swear he hadn't moved even a millimeter. I grabbed the tube of toothpaste and toothbrush they had left for him, and went to the bathroom to brush my teeth and relieve my full bladder. The sleep had done me good. I felt emotionally bandaged and more equipped to deal with whatever recovery was ahead.
I couldn't have predicted what was coming.
The next four hours passed by at the speed of mud. I finally left the room to grab some magazines and when I returned, the current on-duty nurse was in there.
"Oh hi, hon," she said. "I was wondering where you went. You were out like a light; you didn't even stir when I came in to check on him last night."
"How's he doing?" I asked her.
"Holding steady. Dr. Smidge wants to try to rouse him in a bit. He's going to give him something to to counteract the effect of the morphine. I'm Betty, by the way. Please let me know if I can do anything for you."
"Thanks, Betty. I'm Bella."
I shook her hand, which was soft and warm, and caught a waft of Morning Dew perfume. My sixth grade teacher, Mrs. Lawlor, used to bathe in the stuff. I developed a serious aversion to it, but at actually. At least Betty hadn't drenched herself in it. She puttered around the room a bit and then left without saying a word.
Thirty minutes later, she returned with Dr. Smidge. came in with Betty.
"Hello, Ms. Swan. I'm Dr. Smidge." I shook his hand. He had a spaghetti-noodle grip, which was a pet peeve of mine.
"Bella," I said .
"We're going to try and wake up your dad up now."
"He woke up briefly last night, but fell back to sleep a few minutes later,." I said. He didn't acknowledge my statement.
I watched as Betty readied a syringe, extracting the fluid from a small vial and then flicking it with her finger. She inserted the pointy tip into his IV and pushed the medicine into the clear tube attached to his arm.
Within less than thirty seconds, Charlie's eyes shot open and he started choking. His body lurched up off the bed and he looked seriously alarmed. I rushed to his side.
"Dad, it's okay, I'm here. I'm here." I rubbed his forearm with my my hand, trying to calm him. There was no recognition in his eyes, and his body continued to seize as a result of his coughing fit.
"Alright, Betty, push some more morphine." Dr. Smidge sounded a tad distressed. I should have figured after the handshake that he would be a bit of a wimp.
Tears streamed down the sides of my dad's face, and he still hadn't recognized me.
"I love you, Dad. I love you so much," I said, unable to maintain my composure.
Betty pushed what I could only assume was the morphine the doctor had just ordered into the IV and within a few moments, Charlie's frame fell limp against the bed.
"I'm sorry about that," Dr. Smidge said, turning to me. "I'm sure that wasn't the most pleasant thing to witness.
He was cold and his words lacked the conviction required to soothe my frazzled nerves.
Without acknowledging him, I took my cell phone out of my pocket and dialed Edward.
He answered before the first ring had finished.
"Bella, everything alright?" he asked.
"I don't know...they just tried to wake him up and I don't know. It wasn'ts not good."
"I'm already on my way. Just stopped at your house. Are you okay?"
"I think I'm in shock," I said, my voice trembling. I bit my bottom lip to keep myself from breaking down completely. My phone started beeping in my ear; great, the battery was dying.
"My phone is about to die. If we get cut-"
I didn't even get the sentence out before the phone shut off.
I paced the room, waiting for Edward's arrival, waiting for Charlie to wake up, waiting for something to happen. Dr. Smidge and Betty had slipped out, so I was alone with my dad until a few moments later when Carlisle walked in.
"Edward called from the road. He said you might need some support. He'll be here soon, but I was already here, checking on another one of my patients so I thought I'd stop by. Rough morning?" he asked, tilting his head in the direction of the bed.
"I don't even know what happened." I was completely bewildered.
Carlisle walked towards the door and grabbed the chart.
"Looks like they've ordered a chest x-ray. He didn't respond well to the stimulant they gave him, so I imagine they want to see what's going on with his lungs. Edward told me he was awake last night?"
"Yes, just for a few minutes."
He nodded noncommittally. "Let's see how the x-rays turn out. It will be the best indicator of how he's doing at this point."
Right about then Edward walked in. "Hey, Dad," he greeted Carlisle before he walked up to me. He didn't hesitate to put an arm around me and hold me in a sideways hug. "I brought your stuff. You should take a shower, change your clothes. I saw your charger on the desk so I grabbed it. I was about to tell you before we got cut off."
What had I done to deserve such support? Edward always seemed to think of everything.
"I don't know what to say. Thank you doesn't seem to be enough, for either of you." I looked between the two of them.
"You don't need to say a thing, Bella," Carlisle answered. "We wouldn't be here if we didn't want to be."
I plugged in my phone and headed for the bathroom.
"Will you knock on the door if something changes, please?" I asked.
"Definitely, don't worry," Edward assured.
I showered quickly and couldn't deny that it felt wonderful to get clean and put on different clothes. I had been wearing the same thing for over thirty-six hours, and I felt grungy and sticky, even in the cool air of the hospital.
When I reemerged, they were both still there, along with the x-ray technician.
"Feel better?" Edward asked as he took note of my presence.
"I do." He handed me a tall cup of, coffee, and pointed to the chair. There's a bagel and cream cheese in there. I'm guessing you haven't eaten anything since yesterday?"
"I fell asleep right after you left, actually." I dug into the bag and hastily spread the cream cheese on the still warm bagel hastily, it was still warm.. Despite all the upset of the morning, I was starved.
"Okay, I'm done here," the tech said, standing up. "The doctor will be in shortly, I'm sure."
Dr. Smidge came back in about fifteen minutes later. He looked ashen., Hishis face said it all; the news was not good.
"Martin, do you mind if I take a look? Charlie is not only my patient;, he's my son's as well."
"Let's step outside for a minute?" Dr. Smidge answered in a questioning tone. The two doctors left the room, and I wanted to follow them out.
Edward squatted down to my level since, I was still sitting in the chair. He brushed my still damp hair back from my face before rubbing my back, trying to easy my nerves. "I'm sure my dad didn't mean to exclude you like that."
"It's not good, is it?" My voice cracked mid question.
"Let's just wait and see." I could hear the uncertainty in his voice.
The doctors reappeared a few minutes later. Carlisle pulled up a chair so that he could sit facing me and . He took in a deep breath.
"Bella, I've just had a look at the film. I think it would help you understand if you saw it yourself."
He carefully extracted the x-ray from its sleeve and held it up in the dim light of the room.
I understood immediately.
"His lungs, they're full, aren't they?" Edward continued to soothe me with his touch.
Carlisle nodded. "The antibiotics aren't working. I'm so sorry, Bella, but I'm afraid there is no coming back from this kind of congestion."
I lost it. Edward wrapped his arms around me and held tight. I noticed his eyes were rimmed in red and they looked to be brimming with tears. "Would you like me to call anyone?" Carlisle asked.
I shook my head. "I'll call. Edward brought my charger." I was zoned out. I couldn't believe the time was coming. I couldn't believe that there was nothing more to be done.
"Is he in pain?" I sobbed, the tears coming out of me in torrents.
"I don't think so," Carlisle answered, before standing up. "I'm going to go speak with the nurses on duty about a few things."
"How long?" I asked, looking up at him.
"I can't say conclusively. It could be hours or it could be days. I wish I had an answer. I know this much, if anyone wants to say goodbye, they should make their way here soon." There was only warmth in his liquid voice. It was amazing how just intonation could change the meaning behind thesuch simple words.
I nodded and he slowly walked out of the room slowly.
Edward repositioned himself so that he was kneeling in front of me. "Let me make the calls for you, please?" he said. "You can stay right here with him."
"Don't leave me." I was on the verge of being catatonic.
"I'm won't," he assured, rubbing my shoulders as if he was trying to warm me up.
"I want to call Alice, and I should also be the one to call Billy."
I picked up my phone with shaking hands and dialed Alice first. She joined me in my tears as soon as I shared that the time had come. She promised to hop on the first flight she could get on stand-by. She also assured me that she would call Emmett as soon as we hung up. I reluctantly ended our call and dialed Billy.
"Hello, Bella?" he answered. "How's my boy?" It was going to be more difficult to relay this news to him than it would be to anyone else.
I instantly broke down again,again; my momentary composure had been hanging byfrom a thread. "It's time."
"I'm on my way," he sputtered, before he hastily hung up.
He arrived at the hospital, with Harry and Sue, just thirty minutes laterafterwa and we rd. We all congregated around Charlie. For the most part, we didn't speak. I don't think anyone knew the appropriate conversation for the setting. We all sat there, in silence, watching the monitors, and listening to the steady whir of the equipment sustaining Charlie for the time being. Edward sat next to me the entire time, while Billy, Sue and Harry all flanked his other side.
Carlisle had made arrangements to ensure that we wouldn't be botheredinterfered with, no matter how many visitors showed up or what time. I guess hospital policy didn't apply when someone was dying. Alice called about an hour later., Sheshe was on standby for the first available flight, but wasn't able to get a guaranteed seat until six o'clock in the evening. She would still have to make a three hour drive once she arrived in Seattle; the wait was agonizing for us both. She let me know that Emmett had booked a red-eye as well and was on standby for anything earlier, too. I felt a little guilty for not making the call myself, but I was having a hard time maintaining my composure as it was. Saying the words over and over would not make it easier;, the repetition of Charlie's demise was in no way cathartic.
A few minutes after I hung up with Alice for the second time, Paul and Joshua turned up. They were both decked out in their uniforms.
"We came as soon as we heard," Paul said, placing a gentle hand on my shoulder.
"Thank you," I muffled. Poor Josh looked devastated and was seemingly speechless.
"Hi Josh, thanks for being here," I offered. He nodded somberly.
"Sam is coming, but he stopped by to pick up Em first." There weren't chairs left, so I stood up and offered mine.
"Oh, no, Bella. Don't get up on our account," Paul insisted.
"It's alright,alright; I need to stretch my legs." The room had grown stuffy with the additional bodies, so I walked just outside the door, with Edward was right behind me.
"If you want to be alone, I can-"
I practically attacked him, throwing my arms around his neck, preventing him from completing his thought. I broke down into gasping sobs, unable to edit my emotion. He secured his arms around me tightly, but the pain could not be subdued. One of his hands moved from the small of my back, up the length of it and found the back of my head. He gently massaged my scalp with his fingertips, the slow movements lulling me into numbness. At some point I stopped crying. Maybe it was when Sam and Emily walked up, or maybe it was just before or after, time was not moving in a linear fashion for me, everything blurred into everything else.
"Hey, Bella," came Emily's voice in a sympathetic tone.
"Hi, thanks for being here, both of you," I said through sniffles.
I noticed that Sam was carrying a box.
"We brought some sandwiches and drinks, just, just in case anyone was hungry," Sam said, lifting the box slightly.
"I'm sure everyone will be at some point, good thinking," Edward acknowledged.
"Everyone's in there," I said, tipping my head in the direction of the room.
They walked in, while I lagged behind. Edward looked at me longingly, and I wasn't sure how to react.
"I don't know what to say, Bella. 'Are you okay' seems contrite and 'how are you' seems stupid. I just wish there was some way to make this easier on you."
"I wish there was some way, too. But, there's not. I can tell you that having you here has made me feel less alone. It helps."
"But there's a room fullmess of people in there that you have known your entire life." He seemed slightly caught off guard, though I couldn't figure out why.
"I get that. It means so much that they are all here all rallied; to be here, it's what my dad would want. But, you've been through the thick of this with me and out of everyone here, I feel closest to you. You will get paid for every minute, I promise."
He looked completely insulted, and I realized why a few seconds too late. "Bella, if you think for even a second I'm here for the money, then I might as well just go."
I let out an exasperated sigh. "No, I'm sorry – that' sthat's not what I meant, not at all. It was a bitchy thing to say. My head's not straight."
His expression softened. "It's okay. I get it. Just please know, this has nothing to do with getting paid. Nothing." His eyes penetrated mine, sealing the message.
I nodded. "Should we go back in?" I asked.
"Whatever you want," he answered.
I nodded once again before reentering the room.
To my relief there was a round of conversation replacing the eerie silence of earlier. The guys talked like Charlie was still able to respond, sharing their best memories out loud. They told stories I had never heard before; we. We laughed and cried, the emotions ran the gamut. Charlie's condition remained unchanged. He was there, but I didn't know if he was really there. At around four o'clock, Josh, Paul, Sam and Emily said their goodbyes, to everyone. Then, eachEach of them walked up to Charlie and said their peace. InIt some ways it was a goodbye like any other, but you could see on their faces that they knew this one was for good. Emily even bent down and kissed him on the cheek,cheek; it was a very touching, unexpected moment. Sam was the last in thethat bunch to make his goodbye gesture. He knelt down at Charlie's bedside and said, "Goodnight, Chief. It'll be good to have you watching over us from your place in the heavens."
I choked up, trying to mask my emotion. Sam walked up to me, gave me a big hug and said, "Bella, we're here for you. Anything you need, you pick up the phone."
"Thanks, again."
The room fell quiet again, so when my phone rang at five o'clock, everyone jumped. It was Alice.
"Hey, Bella. I couldn't get an earlier flight. I'll be at the hospital around ten, okay?" She sounded so depressed.
"Promise me you'll drive safely. I need you here in one piece."
"Charlie?" she asked, ignoring my plea.
"He's hanging in there."
"He'd better," she said, the usual sparkle in her tone was missing.
"I'll see you in a few hours."
"See ya."
I could wait for her to get there though I longed for her to be there immediatelyI could be patient for her arrival, though I longed to have her with me right then., I only hoped that Charlie could hang on.
"Bella, everyone," Billy addressed. "If you don't mind, I would like a few minutes alone with him."
We all stood. Edward and I exited the room as Harry and Sue stayed behind, I imagined, to say their own goodbyes. They joined us out in the hall a little bit later. Sue hugged me as I cried again. I wondered if it was possible for my well of tears to run dry, I was certainly testing the theory.
Edward disappeared for a little bit while I stayed with the Clearwaters, who were patiently waiting for Billy. Billy He finally came out about ten minutes later.
"If you don't mind, I'd like to have a word with Bella now." His eyes were glossy and blood shot, but he was completely composed.
"Goodnight, sweetheart," Harry said, before Sue cut in. "We love you, honey. We'll be back tomorrow."
It sort of amazed me how quickly everyone had shifted their energies from Charlie to me. Edward reemerged as the Clearwaters headed for the elevator.
"Edward, would you mind sitting in there with Charlie for a minute, while Bella and I have a little chat?"
"Not at all," he answered, stepping into the room and pulling the door almost closed behind him.
"Get down here with me, girl," Billy said in his authoritative way. I couldn't help but let a smile escape as I crouched down next to him.
"You have done a great job caring for him. You need to look at yourself and believe it. You've had great strength and patience-"
"Not really," I interrupted.
"Hush. Let me speak. That man in there is my brother and damn it, I don't want to let him go." He began to choke up, but sucked it back in. He continued, "But, for us to keep him here is selfish., It'sit's time that he movemoves on; it's time that we release him to his next path. I said my peace to him just now. , I told him it was okay to go."
More tears streamed down my face as he reached out and cupped my cheek in a fatherly way. "You are his greatest love and proudest accomplishment. Until you cut that kite string, he won't be free to fly. He'll linger here until you tell him it's okay. It's time for him to be the eagle. Do you understand what I'm saying?" he asked.
I looked into his dark brown-black eyes and saw light. I nodded my head while my bottom lip protruded without my permission. He pulled me to his chest and I snuggled against it. "Be brave, Bella."
I shut my eyes, and took an inhale of air. Billy smelled like bay laurel and raked leaves;, he was autumn in the midst of our summer.
"Now, go be with your old man. Try to cherish what'sthe time you have left."
"Sorry I snotted all over your shirt."
He waved me off. "You can make it up to me by having me over for dinner sometime, okay?" The request squeezed my heart; I hadn't considered he would want to spend time with me after Charlie passed.
"I would love to. And...I love you."
"Stop making me blush, I'm a grown man. But,- love ya too, kid."
I stood up as he used his well-toned arms to wheel himself down the hall.
It was almost seven by the time I was back in the room with Charlie.
I took the chair closest to him, and next to Edward. "You can go if you want."
"No, not this time. You're stuck with me, even if I'm sentenced to the waiting room," he smarted back.
It was strange, but humor was still was appropriate in light of the situation. Charlie would want to see me smile through the tears. I laughed a little at his words.
"I think I like having you right here."
He smiled at me before looking down. I lay my head down on the bed, listening to the steady beat of my dad's heart and the sound of his breath. I tried to reconcile what was happening in my mind but I was puzzled.
Knowing someone is going to die and waiting for it to happen is not as sobering as you might think. Your mind is trying to make sense of what's unfolding in front of you, your heart is aching to the point it feels like it's expanding uncomfortably in your chest, and that's when you realize you've just been holding your breath.
Well, that's what it felt like to me, at least. I had to remind myself that I needed air while I tried to think of how to honor Billy's words and what I knew were my dad's wishes. Edward sat next to me in silent support, rubbing figure-eights on my back, and gently trailing his finger tips up and down it. I was completely detached, numb and hypersensitive at the same time. The past seemed distant and the seconds dragged by while we waited. Though everything moved in slow motion, I wasn't all that anxious for time to sprint forward.
I took my dad's limp hand in mine.
Edward spoke softly, " Talk"Talk to him, Bella. He's still here, he can hear you." His voice was so gentle it was like a caress.
I started saying things at random, whispers here and there of, "I love you," and "It's okay, dad." I wanted his eyes to open again;, I wanted to say these words and see understanding in his eyes. It was hard to believe they wouldn't open again.
Alice arrived at ten after ten and Edward quickly relinquished his spot so she could sit with me. We clung to each other and she shed tears for me; for the time being, I was all cried out.
Edward lay down in the empty patient bed. I didn't see him, since my back was to him, but I heard the bed squeak when he hopped on it. I hoped he would get some rest.
Alice was my sister in every way but by blood. She was another me, just wrapped up in different skin. She was like a daughter to Charlie, and it was only right that she was with me in that moment.
Her legs both hung over the armrest of the chair, as she sat in it sideways. "Emmett is going crazy with worry. He should be on the plane by now," she said.
"I hope he makes it. Even if my dad wanted to kick his ass a time or ten, I know he wants to be here."
"He really does," she agreed. "Jasper came with me. He went to go check us in to the hotel."
"What? Hotel? He should just stay at our place. The door is unlocked." I had forgotten about that until that moment. It seemed like weeks ago thatsince I had left the house. IIn reality,t hadn't even been forty-eight hours.
"Actually, I locked it when I went back," Edward's fatigued voice came from behind us. I had forgotten about that, too. My brain was not in normal working order. Exhaustion and grief were obstacles to coherence.
"Either way, I don't think Jazz would feel comfortable there right now."
"Yeah, I can understand that," I answered.
"It's just him anyway. I'm here with you, B. I'm not leaving your side."
The sound of soft snoring came from the bed behind us. We both giggled.
"Okay, I'm sorry, but his snore is kind of cute. Don't you think?" Alice asked.
"Yeah, he's pretty cute all around." My eyebrows pinched together and I looked down, my chin to my chest. "You know, my dad said something to me a little while back about being happy with whomever I wanted to be happy with. He kind of gave me his blessing. He seemed to be referring to Edward." I spoke in a hushed tone, even though Edward was clearly asleep.
"I think to the outside world it's somewhat obvious that there's something between the two of you."
"Really?"
She slugged me playfully on the arm. "Don't be a dumb ass. You know I love you, but the two of you have some serious denial going on."
"It's not denial. It's timing, the situation. He didn't want to complicate things."
"Remind me to slug him later, sometimes complication is exactly what makes things work."
I sighed as the machines continued to pump and the words fell from Alice's strawberry lips. She looked beautiful in the dim light of the room. Her face was scrubbed free of makeup and her hair was pulled back into a ponytail. Something about her reminded me of when we younger, the essence of her as a little girl was coming through.
"No slugging. That guy, no matter what happens between us in the future, has done so much for me. I don't think I'll ever be able to thank him enough."
"Fine, I'll hold off," she surrendered.
I turned my attention back to Charlie. Alice moved to the other side of the bed, and we each took one of hisCharlie's hands. I drifted in and out of sleep for the rest of the night.
At seven o'clock in the morning we were all awake. Our clothes were rumpledruffled, the sun had begun to brighten the room and Charlie was still clinging to life. I had yet to do what Billy had asked of me. Edward and Alice left the room to go get some water and something to eat, and for the first time in several hours, I was alone with my dad. I knew the time had come. I lowered the bed rail on the side I was sitting on and crawled into bed next to him. I wanted to be close to him;, I wanted him to feel my presence.
My words came out with an airy quality, escaping from my heart rather than my lips. "You've been the most amazing father I could have ever asked for. You have shown me what it means to be strong, and I know that you're being strong right now, hanging on for me." I sucked in a breath. "I love you, dad. It's okay for you to leave now. It's okay, it's okay, it's okay..." the words kept tumbling out as I rested my head against his chest. Goodbye, again.
I deep voice broke through the semi-silence of the room. "Iz."
I lifted my head to see Emmett standing in the doorway. I got out of the bed and we met each other halfway. He lifted me into his arms. My well had been replenished, and the tears began to fall as he wrapped himself around me. "I just let him go. I told him it was okay."
"Shhh. Shhh. It's alright. Everything will be alright." His voice sounded from a deep place, and I could feel it coming from inside his chest. He rocked me back and forth in his arms, and I submitted to his comfort.
A small, pixie-like throat cleared on the other side of Emmett.
Alice and Edward had returned and I involuntarily sprung myself from Emmett's hold. The moment was unexpectedly awkward.
"Edward, this is Emmett. Emmett, this is Edward," Alice introduced, coming to my rescue.
They both extended a hand,hand; I sensed trepidation on both parts. Weird.
"We brought donuts," Alice declared. "The chocolate French cruller is for Bella, don't any of you try and snatch it."
We sat there, eating in quiet. Instead of focusing on the company, I kept my focus on Charlie. I had been listening to his heart all night, and I could hear that itsit's tempo was slowing on the monitor.
To my great relief, Billy and Sam showed up a half an hour later. Right about then the Dr. Smidge arrived, along with Betty, who was back on rotation after her evening off. She read the monitors, took his blood pressure and checked a myriad of things before turning to Dr. Smidge.
"No urine production in six hours," she commentedsaid to Dr. Smidge. He nodded, a resigned look crossing his face.
"What does that mean?" I asked aloud.
Edward came up behind me so quickly, it startled me slightly. He took my free hand in his. "His organs are beginning to shut down. You'll want to stay close now." He squeezed my hand with such force, it almost hurt, but I was grateful for it.
I took my seat next to my dad. Alice took the chair next to me. Billy and Sam took the other side while Edward and Emmett stood at the end of the bed. Carlisle appeared moments later and took a place next to his son.
The heart monitor beeped.
Beep
Beep
Beep
Beep
They grew further and further apart.
Dr. Smidge and Betty remained in the room, but I felt more comfortable asking Carlisle the next question.
"Can we take his mask off? I know he would rather take his last breath independently." I was trying to be the brave girl Billy had urgedindicated me to be. Carlisle nodded at me.
I stood and removed the bi-pap from my dad's face and kissed him delicately on the head, then his cheek. I took a deep breath and uttered the words, "I love you," into his ear. Our final goodbye.
The succession of beeps continued to slow.
I watched as Charlie's chest suctioned inward with a great intake of air. A soft whinny escaped him and when he exhaled it was not just his breath that released, it was his soul. The air immediately above his stilled body almost shimmered before dissipating gradually. His face was set in a peaceful expression, but he looked different somehow, without his spirit, his face had changed. It was tortuously beautiful, something I never thought I would see, but I know I did. Nothing could take that away from me, nothing and no one. Soft sobs and sniffles emitted in different tones from around the room. Someone turned off the machine, signaling that Charlie was no longer with us but the absence of his spirit was unmistakable.
His energy had shifted. My dad had passed. Charles Swan was gone.
Thank you for reading, it mean more than words can say.