Lose Yourself

Roy

Sunday, five am. The sky is light and the air still.

And it's time.

I actually had to call the JLA to get it to work, but I managed to get them to let me out of the hospital for a couple of days instead of shipping me straight to rehab. I'll go after, no doubt about that.

I just needed a few more days to fix this.

The train station is surprisingly busy for so early in the morning. You'd never know this place was a crime scene just earlier this summer. People are everywhere, bustling around and talking, a peaceful sort of static that fills the room. We are just three more people here, this morning. Three ordinary people.

Jade is holding a suitcase in one hand, the other one intertwined with mine. Emma grips her violin case with both hands and looks at me, confused. "Is this like some weird training exercise or something?"

"Or something," I answer. I'm a full foot taller than her, so I have to drop to one knee to look her in the eye. But I want to be on her level when I do this.

"Em, I need you to promise me something."

She narrows her eyes. "I can't do that until I know what it is."

That makes me smile. Stubborn kid. I take two slips of paper out the pocket of my jeans and hand it to her.

"This is a train ticket to Lamy," I say, handing it to her. "And when you get there you've gotta change trains. This one'll take you all the way to Steel. Then I want you to catch a cab, and go to the address I wrote on the back of the ticket. It's in a suburb about forty minutes away. When you get there ask for Lauren. Tell her Roy said you'd be safe there."

Emma looks at the two tickets in her hands. "Safe?" Then she looks at me, and her eyes go wide. "You're turning them in," she realizes."You're turning them in and you don't want me there when you do it."

I stand up, don't answer. Judging from the look on Emma's face, I don't need to.

Jade, tears in her eyes, rests a hand on Emma's shoulder and hands her the suitcase. "I packed you clothes, books, some snacks," she says, her voice cracking. "And there's cash, in case you need anything else, and… And Steel City's not far, so we can still see you and…"

"And you're pregnant, aren't you?" Emma asks, quietly. "I heard you throwing up in the bathroom."

Jade makes a noise halfway between a laugh and a cry. "Yeah. Yeah, I am."

Emma smirks at me. "First you fuck her and now you knock her up?" she quips.

"Oh, come off it, you can't just blame me," I quip back. "Believe me when I tell you this relationship works both ways."

"You ever do anything to hurt her and I'll kill you," she deadpans. "You know that right?"

I smile. "I appreciate that, Emma."

She looks back at the ticket. "I don't know what to say."

"Then don't say anything," I tell her. "Just leave. Have a normal life." There's a loud blur of a noise, the rattling of wheels on the track.

"That's your train," I say. "You better go."

Emma bites her lip, like she's thinking.

And then she nods.

Jade hugs her, and then stands up, still crying but smiling as best she can. Emma comes over to me, presses her lips together, doesn't say anything.

"I guess this is goodbye, then," she says.

I shake my head. "Doesn't have to be. You can see us. You can do anything you want. You're free, Emma."

She drops her luggage and flings her arms around me and bursts into sobs.

"Hey," I whisper, wrapping my arms around her back. "Hey, it's okay. Nothing to be sad about. Chin up, little soldier."

She nods, and wipes her eyes as she lets go of me.

She swings her violin case over her shoulder and picks up the handle of the suitcase. "Thank you," she says. "Both of you. For everything. You, um… You guys are gonna be really good parents."

"Thank you," Jade says, softly.

"Now go," I say. "Or you'll miss your train."

Emma nods again, and turns around.

As she begins to walk away, I call out, "Oh, and Emma?"

She turns back, facing me one last time. In her powder blue dress and combat boots, her hair neat and pulled off of her face with a headband, you'd almost never guess she's the same scruffy little thing I met at the airport all those months ago. "Yeah?"

"That thing you just did?" I say. "Asking questions first, not just blindly doing what I tell you?"

She tilts her head. "What about it?"

"That's my girl."

She smiles, so bright it lights up the room. And then she turns away and fades away into the blur of people. Just another face in the crowd. Another normal girl.

I break down in tears as soon as I'm sure she can't see me.

"Roy," Jade whispers, wrapping her arms around me.

"I don't know why I'm crying," I say.

"I don't either," she replies. She's crying too.

"I guess something good came outta all this shit, huh?" I whisper, my words coming out in sobs and buried somewhere inside her hair.

"I think so," she whispers back.

And the train pulls away.

The stable is completely surrounded in police tape, yellow plastic that I'm surprised doesn't melt in the heat. It's been pretty hot here all summer but I think today's the hottest of all, one of those days when the empty air seems to tremble in front of you.

Jade is shivering anyway. I slip my arm around her waist and kiss her forehead. "We can do this," I say. I'm not sure I believe it.

"You're team is gonna freak," she whispers.

"Probably."

"You really don't have to…" she looks at the ground. "I'd understand if you don't want to…"

She's talking about the baby.

"Jade," I say, tilting her face to look me in the eyes. "Of course I want to."

There's not a doubt in my mind about it. Maybe there should be. Maybe I should be freaking out about, terrified. I mean, I'm not even nineteen for two more months. Most guys my age would cut and run from this, wouldn't they?

But… I don't know. When she told me, I was surprised, sure. And I'm scared, of course I'm scared. What if I'm a terrible dad? I don't know how to do this.

But there was never, not even for a fraction of a second, a doubt in my mind that I would be there to support her, her and whatever she chose to do. I would never even consider anything else. And if she wants to keep the baby, I'm staying. I'm being a dad. It's not even a question.

I don't know what that says about me. That I'm crazy? That I'm rushing into this? That maybe after everything I've been through maybe I'm really more like twenty-eight than eighteen because god she sure doesn't seem seventeen most of the time, which is kind of sad when you think about it because she never got a chance to be seventeen, because she pretty much had to go from seven to twenty-seven without missing a beat and maybe that's why neither of us are as freaked by this as we probably should be?

That maybe I'm not… Maybe she's right about me not being a complete monster? Because I would never even consider doing anything but staying with her and the baby and maybe… After all, she did come back to me. After everything I've done.

After I relapsed.

If someone like her would come back to someone like me after that, then…

Maybe that says something good about me.

Whatever. I don't know. Doesn't matter.

I love her.

That's what matters to me.

"I love you," I say. "And I'm going to be here for you. Both of you. I promise."

She exhales, a sigh of relief, as her whole body seems to loosen in my arms. Sometimes she seems so small. I kiss her again. I just love her so much.

So maybe a few good things came out of this, then.

And that's when the footsteps start coming.

I hear them before I see them. The sharp click of a pair of high heel, followed by the louder, faster set from a pair of Converse. Heather and Evelyn. Come to face the reaper.

"Hi, guys!" Evelyn chirps. She's in costume, save for her shoes, which are a pair of bright yellow Chucks, her sunglasses perched on top of her head. She has, as far as she knows, no reason to hide her eyes from any of us.

God.

"So what's our agenda today?" Evelyn asks. She looks around, and expression changes, as she notices something's wrong. "Where's Emma?"

Heather has a pair of white sunglasses on, obscuring her expression. She places a hand on Evelyn's shoulder. "Evelyn, there's something I need to-"

The stable gate swings open before she can finish. Magdalena enters, in her black catsuit, her face angry and streaked with a purplish bruise.

I raise an eyebrow. "What happened to you?"

"None of your business," she snaps. "Why did you call me here?"

I open my mouth, looking for a way to stall, but I don't have to, because the sirens start, and the gate swings open again.

"You're under arrest." Karen, surrounded by a bunch of police officers. I figured it'd be her.

"Arrested?" Evelyn whispers. "Honey, what's-"

Heather doesn't look at her. "Evelyn, I'll explain late-"

"No, you'll explain now," Magdalena cuts in. "He's the one with the Titans," she hisses, stabbing a finger at me. "Why aren't you upset about this? Are you working with his, are?"
And then the gate opens again.

"Magdalena. We need to talk."

She whirls around, her hair cracking through the air like a whip, to stare at the gate. At the man standing in it.

He's maybe thirty, tall and dark and broad with a deep voice. I've never seen him before in my life. I don't know what he's doing here. Something about this seems…

Magdalena's eyes widen. If I didn't know better I'd think she was scared. "I… I didn't know you…"

He walks to her and slaps her hard across the face.

The bruises.

Jade gasps. Evelyn shrieks. Magdalena has tears streaming down her face.

He starts hitting on her and screaming at her in Spanish, faster than I can keep up. You owe me… Liar… Bitch… Something. She says something back, in Spanish, her voice breaking with every syllable and he pounds against her face. This time I can translate it- "I love you."

Jade looks at me. "What's is he saying?"
"He's saying…" I listen harder, trying to put the words together.

And then, all of I sudden I realize what they mean.

Oh. My, God.

"He's her boss."

Jade's eyes widen. "What?"

"He's asking her where his drugs are, why the suitcase she gave him was empty, why… If she thought she could get away with ripping him off or…" He's actually mostly swearing at her, from what I can tell, but I edit that out, for Jade's sake. "I think she answers to him."

"Answers to…" she covers her mouth with her hand. "She's just another pawn in this. My god, she's just…"

The police have come up to us by this point. "You our contact?" one of asks me. I nod, and point my thumb towards Jade.

"She's with me. Take the rest of 'em."

They cuff Evelyn first, who by this point seems to have figured out what's happening. She puts up a fight, looking at me with enough rage to start a fire.

The go to Magadalena next. "You bastard," she hisses, and for the first time I notice that she has an accent. English is not her first language. "You did this to me, you…"

I tilt my head, trying to keep my cool. "Who's the guy, Mag?"

She spits at me. And then, "Someone I owe a debt to." And then she lets them cuff her and turns away, crying.

And the suitcase was…

Empty.

I turn to look at Heather.

"Those drugs you gave me…" I begin. "What's going on?"
"She had a solid plan," Heather answers, icy cold. "But she made two mistakes. One was writing you off as dumb muscle."

"And the other?" I asks.

"Same one you made."

Then the police come up behind her, and just before they can cuff her wrists she lowers her sunglasses, her ice blue eyes glinting. She smiles.

"Checkmate."

Karen came with a helicopter. After the police clear out, I pick up the suitcase we packed, slip an arm around Jade's waist. And we head for… Wherever we're going.

"Good to see you, Karen," I say. She glares at me.

"You're on probation."

"Going to rehab."

She hisses. "So I heard."

Jade sticks a hand out, gives a weak smile. "Hi, I'm Jade."

Karen doesn't respond to her, talks to me instead. "We're out of rooms."

"She'll room with me," I say.

Karen makes a face. "Just get in the damn helicopter."

Jinx, of all people is waiting inside. She takes one look at us, and her jaws drops.

"Oh my god," she says. She covers her mouth, suppressing a laugh. "You knocked her up."

Jade seems to shrink in my arms. Karen turns to Jinx and glares at her this time. "How do you know that?" Jinx just raises her eyebrows and shrugs, so Karen looks at me. Still glaring.

"That true?"

I try to think of a way to make it sound… Less like what they just said. There isn't one. "Yeah."

Karen's expression goes from confused to shocked to furious in a matter of seconds. "I don't believe this."

Jinx is actually laughing now. "Ohmigod," she says again, shaking her head. "Toni's so gonna die when she hears about-"

This time I glare at her. "What the fuck is she doing her anyway?" I snap. "Couldn't you have gotten someone less-"

"Roy," Jade whispers, sounding like she might start crying again. God, this must be so tough on her. I kiss the side of her head.

"Dick was busy," Jinx says, serious, all of a sudden, answering the question I hadn't finished. "Wally had a family thing. Far as leaders go that left me and Isaiah and he makes me look nice."

I almost laugh at that. "Yeah, he kinda does."

"And anyway, I've met Chesh before," she adds, with a shrug. Trying not to make it a big deal. "We figured she might want to see a familiar face."

Jade smiles at that. "You can call me Jade."

Jinx nods. "Welcome to the team, Jade."

And the helicopter takes off, sending up a cloud of dust and dirt and sand. And Santa Fe gets smaller in the distance, until finally it fades away, like a sunset, like a last gasp of breath.

This town ain't big enough for the two of us, anymore.

It doesn't take long for Jade to unpack once we get back to Steel. And as soon as she's done I have to start packing again. Leaving for rehab in the morning. Been gone five months now, and I don't even get to stay. The pattern continues, like a chess board.

The sun's just going down as I pack up my room. I guess it's our room, now.

I like that.

I'm in front of the mirror with a pair of scissors, cutting away the hair that's grown into my eyes. Jade comes in the room, sits down on my bed. Our bed.

"Cutting your hair?" she asks, softly.

"I don't usually keep it this long," I answer.

"And you wanted to make sure things were back to normal," she says. She touches her stomach. "Or as normal as they can be."

"Yeah," I say. "Yeah, that sounds about right."

She sighs. "I don't know how I'm gonna manage here without you," she says. "I don't know anybody. Karen doesn't seem to like me very much."

I sit down next to her and pull her into a hug, my arms around her waist and my chin on her shoulder. "It'll probably just be a couple weeks. And don't worry about Karen, she's just a hardass. Garth's a good guy, though, if you need anything I'm sure he'll help you out."

She makes a soft noise in the back of her throat and looks at me, those beautiful green eyes. "I'll miss you."

I kiss her on the forehead. "I'll miss you too."

She lies down, with her head on my lap, curled up like a kitten. "Do you even understand any of what happened today?"

I shake my head. "Not even close."

"Do you think Magdalena was just following orders? This whole time?"

"I guess," I say. "I guess it'll all come out when this goes to trial."

"Do you think she was just another one?" Jade asks, suddenly. "Just another girl being taken advantage of?"

"Oh, Jade…" I don't finish that. I just kiss her instead, on the lips and as sweet as I can. She rests a hand on my face, gentle and warm.

"You know what I don't get, though?" I ask, when we pull away. "Heather. What was she talking about? Mistakes, and, and chess."

Jade presses a hand to her mouth, brows furrowed. "That suitcase she gave you-"

"Was full of drugs."

"Right. But why did she give it to…" She gasps.

"What?" I ask.

"That man," Jade says, "the one who Magdalena must have been working for. He said something about not getting something she was supposed to give him?"

"He said something about an empty…"

Oh, God,

"An empty suitcase."

I look at her. "You don't think-"

Jade nods, her eyes wide. "She switched them. Heather. She-"

"She's been playing us," I finish. "The entire time. We didn't let her take the fall, we let her get away with playing mole. I… I can't believe that worked, it… That's insane."

Jade giggles. "Well, we're all mad here." That makes me laugh.

"That crafty bitch," I say.

Checkmate indeed.

So the soap opera is told and unfolds
I suppose it's old partner but the beat goes on
Da da dum da dum da da

You better lose yourself in the music, the moment
You own it, you better never let it go
You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
This opportunity comes once in a lifetime, yo

Author's Notes:

So first things first, let's talk about Magdalena.

I… Debated, a lot, about how much of Magdalena's story to put in. Because it's not really relevant; what matters isn't her background, but simply the fact that she is not what they thought she was. Magdalena is just another pawn. She has, the entire, been nothing more than that. The character who is made out to be the worst, the biggest monster, is in fact just another victim. So that was the point there.

But for the curious: Magdalena is an illegal immigrant from Mexico. She got mixed up in gang violence, drug and sex trafficking when she was in her early teens, and things got pretty bad. Eventually she snuck across the border with the help of her "friend" here. She's in love with him. He's aware of that, and uses it to manipulate her into doing what he wants. So yeah.

And now, after all this time (seriously, like pushing twenty chapters since I first mentioned it), it is finally time we talk about Heather.

What I've said to a few of you guys before is that, basically, Heather's main thing is that she's self-serving. Heather's primary concern in herself. SHe is in this business for herself. She takes jobs that benefit her. She's not a villain because she's "evil", she's just doing it to get what she wants. Heather will do whatever she has to to get what she wants (whatever that is maybe it's money, maybe glory, or maybe just good old fashioned survival) And the truth is, Roy and Jade didn't actually have to lift. They went through all this shit for nothing. Because Heather has been playing Magdalena from the inside the entire time, months before Roy and Jade even started on this case. And it's not that Heather was so against what Mag was doing or anything. She's not doing it to save the world. She doesn't care about that at all.

It's just that Heather got a better offer.

Whoever her other boss is, whatever they offered her was better than what Magdalena offered her. Heather is in this for Heather. And that metaphoric chess game that they've been playing for chapters now? Heather just won. Crafty bitch. XD (sidenote, I think "That crafty bitch" is my single favorite line in this entire story. Followed by "I did something rotten" and "And it's Native fucking American". And also, like, "Really, Em, that's what you're taking from this?" XD I have no idea why but I love that line.)

That said, I think it is important to note that Heather does genuinely have feelings for Evelyn. She didn't come into the relationship expecting to develop them, but she did. I'd wager Heather actually feels bad about what she just did to her. For what it's worth.

Um, I think I should say something here about Emma but I'm not sure what. I guess I just wanted that to feel bittersweet. In the original ending, Roy just sent her away, not to anywhere in particular, with the implication being that he'd never see her again. BUt I realized, as I was updating the ending, that he would have to send he somewhere where he would know she's be safe. He couldn't just leave her on her own. So it's a little less bittersweet than before, but I think it still works. And she leaves on a train because, given the title of this story, somebody had to exist stage left via train. And idk if anyone caught this, but Em's outfit in her last scene is a direct shoutout to Alice in Wonderland, with the powder blue dress and headaband. She's Alice, heading back up the rabbit and whole and into the real world.

God, this story has like one more chapter. It's gonna be weird to be done with it.

Title and lyrics from "Lose Yourself" by Eminem. I really wanted to use "Like Toy Soliders" for chapter 22, but with the exception of the "Tune-Ups" and "Santa Fe" (all from Rent), I didn't want to repeat artists, and I knew I'd want to save my Eminem song for this. So yeah. XD