If you want an added effect on this chapter, I suggest listening to 'Spirit Soundtrack – Fallen Rain' while reading this. Bring tissues if you want.

Chapter 26: When All You Love Is Lost

Thankfully, there were no bots present in the hallway of the Academy as ever so slowly, the three of us were making our way towards Ratchet's medical bay. There would be injured ones there and he knew best what to do with deceased mechs.

I was silent the whole long trip, the pain reverberating through my frame with every step I took as I had no more tears to cry with. I felt so empty and careless and I just didn't want to go on anymore. Without Silvershot, I had nobody. My whole family was offline and I was the only one left.

I couldn't possibly explain the feeling of loneliness that was travelling through my frame, hitting every nerve line with so much pain. I didn't want to live anymore. I had nothing to live for. What is the purpose of living if you are not loved? If you don't cherish and take care of someone, or if someone doesn't take care of you? I don't want my life to become a war, and I knew that sadly, it was headed that way. I must walk this path alone, until it runs out and I join my family in the Well.

We arrived in front of the doors of the bay and I hadn't the strength to bring up my hand and push it open. We stood there, motionless for an astrosecond, and Sideswipe took the lead, opening the doors by pushing them forwards. We walked into the bay, Sunstreaker restlessly carrying Silvershot's body to an empty berth that Ratchet didn't even approve of being occupied. But neither of us cared about whether that berth should have been left unoccupied.

"What is going on? Don't put Silversh…" Ratchet started, making his way towards us, but ceased talking when he saw the motionless corpse on his berth. "Oh Primus…" He said, probably stealing a secret glance towards me, but I paid him no mind. I blankly looked at Silvershot's empty optics. My spark wanted to reach out to him, but his own spark was no longer there. Only a hole was now making his sparkcasing.

I was on the verge of spilling tears and I had to turn around. I couldn't be in this bay anymore. Not with Silvershot here, or at least, what was left of him.

With that, I made my way out of the med bay soundlessly, walking out until I reached Silvershot's quarters. I locked the door and sat on his berth, taking in his scent as another wave of anguish washed over me. I stuffed my face in his soft pillow and let out ungodly cries, bending over as the tears came again.

XxXxXxXxX

"It's been three quartexes since Silvershot was offlined." Hot Rod solemnly commented on the refueling break, sitting at the same table he always did. Only this time, Sunstreaker and Sideswipe were with him, thinking about the problem as well.

"She is failing her trainings. She can't find the strength to swing even a dummy sword at us. It's like she's lost her will to live." Sideswipe contributed to the conversation.

"Wouldn't you lose your will to live if Sunstreaker got offlined?"

"I wouldn't offline."

"He wouldn't offline." The twins said at the same time. "He's too stubborn and arrogant for that to happen."

"Arrogance and stubbornness have nothing to do with offlining." Hot Rod bit back. "Gold is going southwards… We need to help her."

"She won't talk to us." Sunstreaker said. "She never leaves her quarters, only to refuel. And even then she ignores us."

"There's something wrong with her." Sides said.

"No, there's nothing wrong with her." Hot Rod retorted, shaking his head angrily. "She's just shook up." He'd be damned if anybody tried to tell him there was something wrong with his femme friend, physically or otherwise.

"I'm with Sideswipe on this, Hot Rod." Sunny answered. "She's scared."

"Why? Report says she killed all those Decepticreeps in the woods! She took care of them herself. That's pretty much the opposite of being scared."

"You weren't there, Hot Rod." Sideswipe growled at him. "She's afraid to fight again. I tried to play fight with her, nudge her a little bit, and she took her swords out at me! She freaked out…"

"Poor femme… she's dying on the inside." Hot Rod said as the comment wavered heavily in the atmosphere. Everything was so melancholic and solemn and the worst part was that it was all true. "There's nothing more that we can do. She's in this on her own."

"No." Sunstreaker immediately cut him off. "We have to be there for her."

Grotesquely, Rod snorted. "You? Being there for her?"

Sunny growled at him, glaring as well. "When have you had to sacrifice anything in your perfect little life for someone else to live? You don't know what she is going through."

"And you do?"

Sunny narrowed his eyes at him. "You'd be surprised how many things I know."

Sideswipe's loud sigh separated them. "Sunny's right… Let's just be there for her. Maybe she'll just shake it off."

With that, the conversation ended, but the heaviness hung around in the atmosphere. The attack and Silvershot's sacrifice had shaken Goldstreak to her core, no matter how hard she tried to hide it.

After some kliks, the whole gang disbanded, each going their separate ways to their quarters. The twins walked side by side, thinking of what to do with their best femme friend. As they were walking alone towards their quarters, Sideswipe spoke up. "Remember… remember when we lost our creators?"

Sunny's steps faltered for a moment, before he started walking normally again. "Why are you bringing this up?"

"It's just that…" he sighed out. "There was nobody there for us."

"We had each other."

"But Goldstreak doesn't have 'each other'. She doesn't have anyone anymore."

Sunny saw where he was going. "What do you want me to do?"

"We need to get her to see that we're here for her."

"Then we'll go to her quarters." Sunny said, turning around abruptly.

"Now?"

"Right now."

"I was thinking maybe later…"

"Sides, she's alone. She'll be alone for the next few kliks, cycles, mega-cycles even. It's been too long since she lost him and she needs support. She won't survive on her own." Sunny chided as they walked to the door of her quarters.

"And what makes you think she'd want us to help her?"

"Because we're not giving her any other choice."

XxXxXxXxX

A sudden knock on the door shook me from my suicidal thoughts. I hesitantly stood up from my berth, walking over lazily to the doors. I opened them and saw two tall figures in front of me. I sighed and shook my head, turning it to the side. I couldn't find the strength to speak to them.

As Sideswipe wanted to enter the quarters first, I stuck my hand out and grabbed the doorsill, restricting him from entering the quarters. I looked up at him, shaking my head with a sad frown.

He was confused at first, but he soon understood that he wasn't welcome. But that didn't stop his brother from coming up to me, looking into my optics with his blue ones. He gave me a searching look as he put his hand on my shoulder. "We are here, Gold. You're not alone." He assured, or tried to do so.

I shook my head. No, I was alone. I would always be alone.

Suddenly, Sideswipe's arms found their way around my waist, gently pulling me to him into an assuring hug. My hands lost their grip on the doorsill and door as I huddled them to my own chest, leaning my helm on Sides' chest. Slowly and gently, both of them got into my quarters as Sunny shut the door.

I desperately needed a hug, but I would be called a weakling because of that. I couldn't…

Slowly, I made distance between me and Sides. He was confused at first, but didn't tug me back to him, and I was grateful for that. Sunny sat down on my couch as I leaned on the berth, crossing my arms across my chest. Sides was just standing there, at a loss of what to do.

After some time, I managed to rasp out, my voice deep and so unlike mine. Perhaps it was because I haven't used it in over three quartexes, almost a full joor. "Why are you here?"

"We came here to help you." Sides said. "Don't push us away."

I sighed and shook my head. "I push everyone away. It's what I do."

"The Gold we know accepted everyone." Sunny said, standing up from the couch and walking slowly towards me. "She gave everyone a chance, at everything."

My mother told me that there was always a chance, for everyone, at everything. It was so hard to believe in it now. I felt hopeless. "The Gold you know is gone."

I caught a glimpse of Sunstreaker's frown as he came close to me and his finger found its way under my chin. "No, she's still here. Just buried deep down."

I tilted my head to the side, a sad smile making its way onto my face. I brought up my hand and circled it around his wrist, gently caressing it. I shook my head. "I can't find her, Sunny." I said as my throat started to hurt me, the tears wanting to form again. "It's like she's gone with him…" At the end of the sentence, my voice started to break, and a whimper came out.

I ducked my head down, the tears in my optics overflowing as they trickled down my cheeks. Why did Primus have to take Silvershot from me?

In a completely unexpected motion, Sunstreaker's arms found their way around me, pulling me to his chest as my forehead touched the center chest plate. As I blinked and sobbed, the tears fell and trickled down his rising and falling chest, leaving blue energon tear marks on it. "Let it all out." Sunny deeply said.

I couldn't. I'd be weak. I can't…

"No…" I said, pulling away from him. "I… I can't Sunny, it's not…" I said between sobs and I couldn't tell him the real reason why I couldn't cry my spark out to him.

Sideswipe hugged me from the back as I was locked in between a rather awkward three way hug. "It's just us." He said, relaxing his chin on my shoulder.

"No, I can't…" I said, pulling away from both of them and going to my berth, sitting on it as I frivolously wiped my face of the tears. "Just go. I want to be alone." I really did, I just wanted to be left alone to wallow in my sorrow and to think about whether this life was worth living anymore.

"We're not going anywhere." Sunny said, wiping the energon tear trails on his chest. "We're staying right here and we're gonna help you get over this."

"You will do no such thing." I retorted, wiping my optics free of the energon tears as I tried to even out my breathing. "Guys just… just go." I sighed out, looking at the ground. "I need some alone time."

All I wanted to was crawl in a hole and offline. To no longer suffer. "Gold, don't you realize," Sides approached me with a sincere look on his face. "We're here for you." And what good is that?

"I thank you for your effort." I stated flatly.

"Don't go there." Sunny suddenly said. "Don't be all formal and wise, that never works."

It worked before. "Sunny… just go." I sounded exasperated and honestly, I felt like that as well.

"I'm not leaving."

I couldn't argue with him now. "I don't need-"

"I'm not leaving until you stop crying and pitying yourself."

"I am not pitying myself." Instead of sadness, I felt anger seep slowly into my energon lines.

"That's how it looks like."

"Well, it's not." I bit back.

"Sunny, don't argue with her." Sides softly said, standing by my side.

"I know what she's thinking, Sides." He retorted without looking at him, instead his focus was on my optics. "I know how she feels."

I don't know how he would, but it wouldn't matter.

"I know what's going through your head, Gold." Sunny said, taking a seat next to me on my berth. Sides leaned on the wall and listened. "You don't want to live, I know."

"Is that what you were thinking when we lost our creators?" Sideswipe gaped at him. "You didn't want to live? But you were always so strong, you took care for both of us…"

"You lost your creators?" I whispered, afraid to look into his optics. Had I judged the both of them wrong?

"A long time ago." Sunny nodded. "Sides, maybe you better go out. Take a walk."

"I want to hear this."

"I'll tell you later."

"You promise?"

I glanced at Sideswipe, still wondering how he kept the small amount of innocence in him after all the things he had been through. "I promise." Sunny nodded as it was enough for Sides to leave the quarters silently.

Sunny and I sat in silence for a moment, before I started to speak up again, rather prating than anything else. Or at least, I thought I was prating. "I didn't know you lost your creators. I'm sorry."

"There's nothing to be sorry about, Gold. It's not like we preach the story. Nobody here knows."

So I was the first person they entrusted their secret with. I should have felt honored and flattered even, but I felt shared pain. "I lost my creators too… and now with Silvershot gone…" I almost whimpered at the end again, my walls completely crushed down as I was so defenseless and bare in front of Sunstreaker. He could use it all to blackmail me, to mock me… Primus knew there were sadistic mechs on this planet. And I was a perfect target now, all emotional and naïve even. He could tell me anything he wanted and I would be eating out of his hand. But it was the closest thing I had to truth, even if he could be telling me lies. I wanted to believe in something, in goodness and hope, but I just couldn't find it anywhere…

"I know what it's like, to lose what you hold dear to yourself. I know your pain, your thoughts, everything."

"Except you were never alone." I said. "You had Sides."

"And you have me."

I blinked a couple of times before I raised my head to look at him, surprised. "I do?" I found myself inquiring.

"I'm here, aren't I?" He said as a small smile tugged on his face plates, trying to lift up the heavy atmosphere. "Know now, that you are never alone. Your family is always with you," He said as his fingers found their way on the center of my chest. "in spark." He finished.

I felt my hand being brought up on its own accord as it grabbed his. He didn't pull his hand away, yet he entwined the metallic fingers as our hands were brought down, resting on the berth.

I couldn't thank him enough, for his efforts, for his presence and kind words. "You're a really good friend, Sunstreaker." I said, smiling sadly.

But completely opposing to my expectation, he frowned, as if he wasn't satisfied with the fact that I had called him a friend, seeming as if he was leaning towards something more.

"Is there something wrong?" Did I say the wrong thing?

"No, everything's fine. At least you stopped crying." He was nothing if not blunt and I felt like a weak coward for crying in front of him and that made me angry with myself. How many times had I told myself that I wouldn't cry in front of anybody and I was spilling my spark out in front of Sunstreaker. I was so pathetic. "You alright?"

I took my hand back, nestling it in my lap. "I think I'll recharge now."

"I don't want any negative thoughts roaming your processor." He chided.

"As if." I only snorted in return. My suicidal thoughts would return the moment he went away, I was sure of it. But could I really commit suicide? And with what method?

Was I really thinking about offlining myself?

"I know that look Gold, don't even think about it." He said, as he stopped getting up from the berth. He sat down again. "I know what you want to do and I'm not letting you do it."

"What do you know?" I scrutinized. "You may know what I'm going through, up to a point, but you don't know how lonely I feel and how hopeless my situation is!" I yelled at him.

"I know because I've been there too and I know what's it like to be alone!" He yelled right back. "Don't you see I'm trying to help you?! You're going to offline yourself and I won't be able to live with it! You saved my fragging life and now I have to save yours, and Primus damn me if I don't do it!"

"You don't owe me anything, I told you that!" This time I was starting to bellow at him. "Just get the frag out of my room and leave me alone! If I want to offline I'll slagging do it!"

"You won't do slag because I ain't leaving!"

"Then I'm going!" I abruptly stood up and he grabbed my wrist quickly, yanking me down. "Let go!"

"Not a chance, Goldstreak!"

"You want to make this a fight?!"

"Bring it on!" He roared.

And without another word, I felt my claws slide out as I lunged on him, my whole sorrow transforming into pure anger and rage.

And you thought I was going to make this a Mary-Sue scene? Think again!

Written:

08.06.2014.