Steve leaned his head back against the car seat, after rolling down the window. He watched the passing cars and scenery, as Nicholas drove them home.
"You're being real quiet. How'd it go?" Nicholas asked, glancing over at Steve.
"All right, I think," Steve said.
"So this is something you want to keep doing?"
"Yeah, looks like it. She's real nice. That does help. And she doesn't push or anything. I even told her why I left last time. She seemed to get it."
"That's good."
"I mean, I told her about Clara and what happened, but only a little. I mostly talked about other things. Then, worked up to talking about the last few weeks, you know?"
"Sounds like a good start," Nicholas said, as he pulled his car into the driveway.
"I know it's not really anything to do with all this now, but I told her about Johnny and Dallas dying and everything just before. She'd read about Ponyboy in the paper, so it wasn't even so hard to explain."
"Anything that you had a hard time with could be affecting you now. That was tough for you. It was tough for you and Sodapop and all of your friends."
"I think I'm going to go inside and take a nap. That was still pretty overwhelming," Steve said, as he got out of the car.
"Okay. Get some rest. I'm going to go back to work for a couple hours."
"Hey, Steve!" Soda yelled.
Steve appeared in the hallway, rubbing his eyes. "What, man? I was trying to sleep in there," he said, yawning.
"Oh. Sorry. I just- Well, I wondered how things went today," Soda said. "Was it better this time?"
"Yeah, it was okay. Definitely better. I stayed and talked. Kind of wore me out. I've still been up a lot at night too." Steve sat down in the kitchen.
"Still having nightmares?" Soda sat next to Steve.
Steve sighed. "Yeah. Not real sure what to do about that. I did mention it today, but didn't get real far."
"Remember when Pony had those nightmares? The doctor said stay busy, so he wouldn't have the energy to dream at night."
"Might be different, man. This ain't just my imagination."
"Still worth a shot." Soda shrugged. "Can you remember them?"
"More than I want to. They're like even more twisted versions of the memories already burned into my damn brain. Like it ain't messed up enough, right?"
"Let's go out and play football or something. Burn up some energy. Never know. It could help."
"I've really gotten kind of used to it. They don't freak me out so much now."
"Still. Come on. It couldn't hurt."
"Hey, Darry! Catch!" Soda yelled, throwing the football to his older brother, who was just getting out of his truck.
"Woah, little buddy!" Darry said, as he caught the ball and tossed it back to Soda.
"Geez, Sodapop! Were you trying to run me to death out there, man?" Steve asked, sweating and breathing hard.
Soda laughed. "Something like that."
"What were you guys doing?" Darry asked.
"Just tossing the ball around at the park," Soda said, the ball still in his hands.
"You're funny, buddy. You didn't throw it to me even once! I had to run every time to get to it. You were throwing it all over the place!"
"That was kind of the idea," Soda said. "Told you we were going to burn up some energy."
"So that's why you'd grab the ball from me and run away?" Steve chuckled. "You're worse than a kid, making me chase after you."
"Don't tell me you're surprised, Steve! This one here" Darry gestured to Soda. "won't ever grow up." He grinned.
"Nah, I'm not surprised. Just hot and thirsty," Steve said, as he went inside.
Darry slung his arm around Soda's shoulders, pulling him into a headlock and taking the football from his hands.
Soda struggled and laughed. "Hey, no need to remind me you were a real football player, Dar," he said.
"Don't you forget it, little buddy." Darry let go and ruffled Soda's hair. "Looks like you two had fun."
"Yeah." Soda looked away from Darry and stared ahead for a few moments.
Darry waved his hand in front of Soda's face. "Earth to Sodapop!"
Soda turned his head to look at him. "Huh?" he asked.
"What's going on in your head?"
"Oh! Nothing. Just...thinking too much."
"You sure?" Darry narrowed his eyes.
"Yeah, Dar." Soda shot him a grin.
Nicholas kneeled next to Rose's grave stone. "Sorry I haven't been here in a while, sweetheart. I miss you so much."
He looked away and saw the fountain nearby, the sunlight reflecting off the water. Nicholas closed his eyes for a moment, then opened them to stare at the store once more.
"Please watch over our son," Nicholas said. "I figure I don't need to tell you anything that's going on. I'm sure you already know."
Nicholas stared at a spot in the grass, feeling the sun's heat on him. "He's sure going through a lot. I wish I could fix it. But all I can do is be there and hope it's enough. I'll be back soon, sweetie."
Nicholas leaned forward and placed a kiss on the grave stone, before standing. "I still love you, and Steve does too."
"Hi, Evie. It's Steve. I wanted to see if you wanted to talk," Steve said into the receiver.
He listened for a few moments, before cracking a grin. "Yeah, I'll be over in a few minutes. See you then," he said, then hung up the phone.
"Was that Evie? What'd she say, Son?" Nicholas asked, coming out of his bedroom.
"That we can talk. I really- I don't know. I want to apologize to her," Steve said.
"She's been real understanding, it seems. Go on and talk to her."
"Hi, Steve," Evie said, as she saw him walking into the frontyard.
Steve sat down next to her in the grass "Why are you sitting out here?" he asked.
"Just wanted to, and I was waiting for you." Evie grinned at him.
"Evie, I'm sorry for the things I said to you. For pushing you away like that." Steve met Evie's eyes.
"I'm not going to say you didn't hurt me cause you really did." Evie stared back at Steve. "But if that's how you feel, I guess I can't blame you."
Steve sighed. "I just can't be to you what I want to be right now. And I couldn't go on being with you, like that's okay."
Evie felt tears in her eyes when she spoke again. "I think I understand. So what's been happening lately? Did you read my letter?"
"I did. And I get what you were saying, and I agree. Actually, my dad and I talked one night. We really talked. I think that was a start for me. All the stuff from when I was a kid just spilled out. Everything I never got to say, I did then."
"Oh, Steve. I know you needed that. I'm glad."
"I've been real scared, Evie. And the last day I talked to you, I was feeling so damn bad about myself, and I didn't want you to see that."
Evie touched Steve's arm. "There's nothing for you to feel bad about at all. It's all right to hurt, sweetie."
"It's not just that. It's like guilt trying to strangle me. My dad and Soda have told me over and over that what happened with Clara..." Steve felt his eyes sting with tears. "That what she did to me wasn't my fault, but that feeling hasn't gone away."
"They keep telling you that because they love you so much, and they're right," Evie said softly.
Steve closed his eyes, his voice cracking and a few tears falling. "I've felt like I should be ashamed, so I couldn't let you try to help. Not you or the counselor or anyone. But my dad...he wasn't backing down at all, not after I left that appointment and drank and all."
Evie reached over and wiped a tear from Steve's face, still holding back her own. She kept her hand on his cheek. "I'm glad you let him in. You both need that, I think. So how have you been since you guys talked?"
Steve shrugged and wiped his eyes. "Sometimes better. Sometimes not. Memories still get me. But I went back to see Laura, the counselor. I talked to her that time. I want to keep going."
Evie rubbed Steve's cheek, then let her hand rest on his arm. "Looks like you have little bit of a bruise on your face. What happened?"
"One night, I got in a fight. It wasn't a big deal. It was at Buck's place. Guy was smarting off and pretty drunk. I'd had a couple of beers."
"Aw, Steve." Evie sighed.
"It was no big deal, I swear. And I think I hit the wall harder than we hit each other. I busted my hand up a bit. It's still been kind of sore." Steve glanced at the hand he was talking about.
Evie put her hand over his. "You have to be careful. Something happen before you went there? That isn't where you usually go."
"Just memories messing up my head, and I wanted to be somewhere no one knew me. That's all." Steve shook his head. "Then, I ended up on Soda's couch. So much for that idea, huh?" He grinned.
"No matter what, you always end up back where you belong, don't you? There's no pushing any of us away. I think that's because, deep down in your heart, you need that love, and you still want it. No matter what any of those feelings you have say, you still come back to the truth about your life and about yourself." Evie smiled. "That's why you've been able to talk to your dad about everything. You know that, even when you were a kid, he cared. And it sounds like he really is here for you now."
"Yeah, he just didn't know how to handle things when I was a kid. You know something though? I think I get that now. I really understand. That's a real big deal for me too."
"You should tell him that."
"I want to tell you something too. What you said in your letter? It isn't you or our relationship, Evie. You didn't hurt me. You didn't do any of this. It was all always here, waiting for me to face it." Steve saw tears fall down Evie's cheeks.
"Thank you for telling me that." Evie pulled Steve close to her, wrapping him in an embrace.
Steve hugged her back. "Thank you for listening to me."
"What does this mean for us, Steve?" Evie asked, her head resting on his shoulder.
"I'm not sure. I think-" Steve sighed, holding her tighter. "I think I want to keep working on things in my head before we're together again. But that's just because I'm still kind of a mess, and I don't want to end up hurting you. Can you give me time?"
Evie pulled away and looked at Steve. "Yeah, I can. I can do that." She put her hand on Steve's chest, feeling his heart beat. "Just remember the truth you need about everything and about yourself is all right here."
"Are you okay, Son?" Nicholas asked.
"I don't know," Steve said, as he sat up and ran a hand through his hair. "I guess."
"What happened with Evie?" Nicholas sat down beside Steve.
"We just talked. That's all. We're not really back together though. Not yet anyway. I want to be, but Dad, I just can't."
"You're going through a lot. You just need time."
"That's pretty much what I told her, but it was good to talk anyway, you know?"
"Steve, can I tell you something I've been thinking about?"
"I guess so." Steve shrugged.
"It's just about you and me, really. Not anything else." Nicholas shifted, glancing at Steve, then looking away.
"Okay. Just spit it out, Dad. With all the stuff we've talked about lately, I don't think anything is off limits anymore."
"And it never should've been." Nicholas took a deep breath, exhaling slowly. "I know I've said I'm sorry so much. For everything. Including for causing you to bottle up all the pain and deal with it alone. But I also feel like I must've added to the shame you told me you feel now because I didn't let you talk back right after Clara left."
"We've been through all this, Dad. It's okay."
"No. No, it's not." Nicholas shook his head. "I may as well have told you that there was something for you to feel guilty about. That was never the message I wanted to send. I never meant to let you keep thinking you did anything wrong or that anything is wrong with you. I reinforced those feelings in you when we didn't talk, and I tried to act like nothing happened. If I'd known what I was doing to you-"
"Dad. Stop it." Steve grabbed both of Nicholas' shoulders and stared right into his eyes.
"Can you forgive me, Son?" Nicholas' voice cracked.
"Yes. I can and I do! But please stop. Remember all the things you said to me the night I told you everything?" Steve let go of Nicholas.
"Yeah. I do." Nicholas nodded.
Steve thought back to that night, bringing to mind some of his dad's words that he had hoped would etch themselves into his memory.
"Please remember Clara was the one here who did wrong. You were a scared kid, and that's it. She hurt and manipulated you. If it'll make it easier, you can even blame me, but please don't blame yourself anymore."
"So please stop blaming yourself. Clara manipulated you too. And I think I get it now. I mean why you wanted to just forget."
"You do?" Nicholas raised an eyebrow.
"Yeah. It hurts. It's hurt, so you wanted to forget, and you wanted me to forget. I know that now cause this pain I have still is what I felt then, and I know you were hurting bad too."
"Thank you, Steve. For being able to think about it like that. God knows you shouldn't have to."
Steve thought for another moment, memories rushing back.
"There's nothing at all that was your fault, and you don't deserve any of this pain."
"You don't deserve any of this pain either. That's what you told me." Steve gripped his dad's shoulder, letting another memory of his words wash over his heart and mind.
"Son, I loved your mother so much, and she loved you. Clara was nothing like her. There was no love there, or she never could've abused you. I trusted her, and you did too. She's the one who betrayed that. And you were always the most important to me, no matter what I thought she and I had."
"Clara betrayed you too, Dad. The second she even thought about touching me."
Nicholas closed his eyes tightly, willing the tears to go away. He reached out and wrapped his arms around Steve. "You did hear me that night," he said.
Steve held onto his dad, burying his face in his shoulder and fighting tears.
"Just let us help, Son. Let us be there for you. Let me be what I should've been back then. I know I can never make it up to you, but please let me try to help now."
"I think I'm going to be okay," Steve said. "You will too," he added in a whisper.