Tanith Panic, I'm sure I'll bring Dervla back at some stage. I just can't say exactly when! Thank you for your review. I'm glad you like it despite the sadness!
Tato Potato, thank you for your review. I was starting to worry there was a lot of Ben looking after Dylan and nothing about Dylan looking after Ben!
Ben awoke with the feeling that there was something about today he didn't like.
But it was far too early for him to know what it was.
It was also too early for Ben to think about getting up, so he closed his eyes and snuggled closer to Dylan. But as time passed and Ben's brain slowly woke up, the uneasy feeling remained and eventually, Ben realised what was wrong.
Dylan was going back to work today.
He wasn't ready. He said he was, but Ben knew he couldn't be. Dylan was getting used to being out in public, but they hadn't gone anywhere near the hospital, and spending an hour walking past strangers in the streets was very different from spending a whole shift dealing with patients.
Ben rolled out of bed and got dressed. He knew that if Dylan was going to go to work, he needed to get up soon, but it seemed so cruel. Dylan looked so relaxed in sleep. He wasn't smiling, but he looked peaceful. Ben knew he wouldn't look like that if he woke him up.
Perhaps Dylan sensed Ben's eyes on him. Or perhaps he was simply ready to wake up. He opened his eyes and stared up at the ceiling for a moment as one arm hugged empty air where he'd evidently expected to find Ben. A look of confusion passed over Dylan's face. It made Ben smile, but not for long. A moment later, pain flashed into Dylan's eyes before he squeezed them tightly shut.
"Dylan?" said Ben softly.
"I'm going to work," said Dylan.
A simple sentence, but Ben heard all the fear and uncertainty. Half-dressed, he climbed onto the bed and hugged Dylan. "You don't have to go."
"Of course I have to go," said Dylan sadly as he hugged Ben in return.
"But if we tell Mrs Beauchamp or Zoe you're not ready-"
"Do you really think they'd understand?"
Ben thought Zoe would understand, but Zoe wasn't clinical lead anymore. Her opinion would likely count for nothing.
"I need to have a shower," said Dylan, with much the same enthusiasm as he'd announced his imminent return to work.
Despite his concern for Dylan, Ben couldn't help feeling a little bit disappointed. He loved Dylan when he was all hot and sweaty and hadn't showered. He'd actually banned Dylan from using the shower unless they were using it together, but he would make an exception on this occasion.
"I'll make you some breakfast," said Ben. He kissed Dylan and climbed off the bed.
Dylan looked at the clock and gave a sharp cry of pain. "No! No time. No time."
"What's wrong, Dylan?" Ben asked anxiously.
Dylan scrambled out of bed. "No time for a shower. I have to go to work. I'm late."
"No, you're not late," said Ben. "I'm not leaving for an hour and we're due in at the same time."
"But I need to be early," said Dylan as he searched for some clothes. "I need to check things. I can't work unless I know everything's all right."
Ben hated himself for not having thought of this. He knew Dylan always arrived at work before him and he should have guessed this might be the reason why. "Have you got time for breakfast?"
"No," said Dylan. He put his shirt on and did up the buttons all wrong. Ben smiled despite his concern and sorted it out for him. Dylan smiled too and gave Ben a kiss, but a moment later, his agitation returned and he finished getting dressed at breakneck speed.
"Haven't we even got time for a slice of toast?" said Ben, who was quite hungry, but Dylan shook his head.
"No. No time. You can eat when we get to the hospital. I'll be too busy."
Ben didn't like the idea of Dylan working on an empty stomach and it seemed likely to make his first day back at work even more difficult, but it also wouldn't help to upset Dylan's routines. He watched helplessly as Dylan got himself ready, muttering himself and checking everything he did several times.
"I'm ready," said Dylan at last. "First we need to go and drop Dervla off, then…" He stopped as he remembered. His mouth trembled.
Ben caught him in a tight hug. "We could call in there if you like. They might have an idea of where she might be." And it would mean that Dylan's journey to work followed its usual pattern.
"No… no point," said Dylan tremulously. "We'll just go to work."
Dylan locked the houseboat and he and Ben started to walk. Dylan felt panicky, but it was easier to control it when Ben was there. He glanced at him every so often and it did make him feel a little bit calmer.
The first part of the walk was all right. He and Ben walked this way a lot. The streets felt familiar. There were people walking past him, but none seemed to do more than glance in Dylan's direction.
But the places where he had walked with Ben had become a sort of safety zone and Dylan couldn't help but be aware that they would soon be leaving it. They had to. Dylan kept walking, but his breathing was becoming shallower and faster.
"Are you okay?" said Ben.
"Of course I'm okay," said Dylan, too quickly. They were nearly there. Another few steps… Dylan's breath was noisy now too.
Ben put his hand on Dylan's arm.
Dylan shook him off. "Someone might see, Ben!"
"Sorry," said Ben quickly, but he looked hurt and Dylan hated himself.
He stepped out of the safety zone.
He felt his heartrate increasing and looked down at Dervla, but she wasn't there.
Of course she wasn't there. She'd been missing for two weeks: how could he have forgotten that?
He couldn't breathe. There was something wrong with the air. He was having trouble walking as well: it felt as though he was walking through a swamp. His legs felt heavy and something seemed to be dragging them back, but that was impossible because they were just walking down a road.
Ben edged slightly closer to him. "Dylan, it's okay," he said, his voice only just audible. "You can do this. Can you breathe slower for me?"
But Dylan couldn't. All he could think of was that he was so much of a freak, he couldn't even breathe or walk now. Why was Ben even still with him? Why wasn't he running away in horror?
And Dervla wasn't here…
Hardly knowing what he was doing, Dylan walked over to a wall and leaned against it, still trying to breathe. He heard Ben's concerned voice. "Dylan, it's okay. You're going to be fine. Just rest for a minute, yeah? If you need a hug, let me know."
"You can't hug me," said Dylan.
"Okay, but I'm here," said Ben. "I'm here and I'm not going to leave you."
Dylan could feel tears threatening to fill his eyes. He hated himself for it. He wasn't a child. Only a freak would cry because he didn't want to go to work.
"Is everything okay?" That was a female voice. A hand touched Dylan's arm. "Is there anything I can do to help? Do you need a doctor?"
"I am a doctor!" shouted Dylan. "Just leave me alone!"
The girl backed away. "I'm sorry." She looked frightened and hurt and Dylan realised she was wearing school uniform. She only looked about fourteen, but he'd shouted at her.
He'd behaved like a freak.
Ben stepped forward, which had the effect both of bringing him closer to the girl and blocking her view of Dylan. "It's okay. You didn't do anything wrong. Dr Keogh is under a lot of stress at the moment. All doctors are, but every so often, it gets too much. It happens to every doctor. It's a bit scary, but it's completely normal and understandable. I'm a nurse, so I've seen it happen."
Dylan stood with his eyes closed as Ben ensured the girl wasn't too upset. Dylan didn't know if he was angry with Ben for telling someone about his private business or if he just loved him more than ever for manging to describe Dylan as normal.
Once the girl was finally gone, Dylan spoke to Ben, his eyes still closed. "I can't do this."
"That's fine," said Ben. "I'll take you home."
"But I can't go home," said Dylan.
He felt Ben's arm brushing his and knew Ben was leaning against the wall beside him. "Dylan, no-one could expect you to work if you're not ready. We'll go home now and I'll text Zoe from your phone – pretending to be you of course – and explain. Come on. Let's go home."