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Nothin' belongs to me except degrees in history and ethnic studies.
My favorite mornings are waking up next to Edward. Or, more accurately, being woken up by Edward. I never can tell if it's real or a dream. Like right now, I can't tell if the warm lips against my neck and the fingertips against my spine are real. It makes me feel fuzzy and warm and light.
"Am I awake?" I murmur, pushing myself backward into Edward's solid body.
"Does it matter?"
Good point.
His breath is hot against my ear. It makes me whimper. His big hand moves over my naked stomach, pulling me flush against him. His hold is tight but I still manage to grind myself into him. It's his turn to whimper now.
The sleepy haze in my brain is replaced by a new kind of fog as Edward's teeth scrape against my collarbone and his hand finds my secret places, touching me in that way that makes me feel so good it almost hurts. My hips move in jerky little circles as I rock against his hand and his hardness.
There are definitely positives to falling asleep naked.
"Edward." The sound is more groan than word, but he understands. He knows exactly what he does to me.
I continue to writhe against him and his free comes up to squeeze my breast. Arching my back into him, I cover his hand with my own just because I need something to hold on to.
"Fuck, you're beautiful," he mutters in my ear. I crane my neck, finding his lips. The kiss is heady, makes my heart get stuck in my throat. This combined with all his other body parts moving has me unraveling.
Even as that divine pleasure electrifies every nerve ending, I tug on his shoulders until he's there in between my legs. In the last few years with Edward I've gotten way more sexually confident than I ever thought possible, but my favorite is still with his body covering mine. I like his solid weight on top of me.
I open my eyes for the first time this morning just as he slides in to my, my name on his lips.
"I love you," I murmur, touching his face. There is a little furrow of concentration between his brows, but the corner of his mouth twitches up into a half smile. Half of my smile.
He rocks against me, slow at first. My hands travel down his back until I'm grasping at his ass, pulling him deeper. He kisses my chest, moving slow and steady.
"Harder," I say, scraping my teeth against his ear. "More," I insist.
Edward groans and does as I say, giving me all of him – frantic and furious and perfect. My toes curl. My fingers dig in to his hips.
"Oh, oh."
I want to watch. I want to keep my eyes on his face because there is nothing quite so beautiful as him in this moment. But then I can't think or want or need anything. I can only feel.
Supreme joy.
Love for this man.
He collapses on top of me, his head against my neck, and it seems like we melt into the mattress. I run my fingers through the hair at the back of his head, and decide this is a good time to fall back asleep.
But then Edward shifts, moving off of me. I try not to pout.
"Goin' back to sleep, Swan?" he murmurs, pushing my hair off my sweat-dampened forehead.
"Thinkin' about it," I reply. "That was quite the wake up. We are so good at that."
Edward laughs and kisses my nose. "Well, we've had two years of practice at this point," he says before getting out of bed.
"Edward," I whine.
"Football day, baby," he reminds me, moving to the bathroom connected to his room.
I groan, burying my face in a pillow. Now that Edward is out of bed I'm cold.
"Stupid football," I grumble. "I hate the damn sport."
I hear Edward chuckle as he moves around the room, getting ready to go meet the team before the game this afternoon.
"Suck it up, Swan," he says, sitting on the bed next to me. "Attending games is your lot in life."
"I don't know what kind of girl you think I am, but you leavin' me all alone in bed right after something like that just ain't right," I say, continuing to pout.
"I'd think you'd be used to bein' a wanton women at this point."
I just scowl at him. Edward lets out a chuckle, and moves to hug me. I push my nose in to his chest, perfectly content.
"I don't particularly like leavin' you either," he murmurs. "But I gotta."
"I know."
"Rocky Mountain Showdown," he says, bouncing his leg slightly. He's pumping himself up in his head, as he does before most games. "First game of the season."
"Go Buffs!" I yell.
Edward kisses me quickly before standing and moving towards the door. "You best get on the bus soon," he instructs. I smile because me being there is important to him, even if he doesn't admit it often. "A whole lot of people are goin' to be travelling to Denver."
"I know," I say. The first game of the season is always against Colorado State University and is played at Mile High. It's a nice little rivalry game on an NFL field and one of Edward's favorites of the season.
Probably because they usually win.
"And kick off is at one thirty. Last time you were late you missed me makin' that TD," he says.
"I know, I know," I say, marveling at his lecturing.
"And don't forget to bring Liam. He always sleeps through his alarm. Left to his own devices he won't even be awake until after the game is over," Edward continues.
"Edward," I say, laughing. "Go! I will be there with the usual pack of crazy people. You're gonna miss your own game. That sure ain't gonna help you win."
"I'll see you after. Wait for me."
And then he's gone.
"So you're saying your good friend from home had to drop out of art school because she's having a baby with your paralyzed ex-boyfriend who just so happens to be the best friend of your current boyfriend and local football star?" Liam clarifies.
We're seated incredibly early because of Edward's insistence. Liam and Maggie are already pretty hammered from all the pre gaming going on around the stadium. CU and CSU are only about an hour apart so a lot of people know members of the opposition and it makes for quite the party atmosphere.
Probably a good thing we came in early. At least in here there is a limit to how much more they can drink.
"That is exactly what I'm saying," I reply. Kate rolls her eyes and props her feet up on a railing in front of us. People start to trickle in.
"And you're thinking about studying abroad next semester in France?" Liam continues.
"What does that have to do with anything?" Kate asks.
"Yes! Fuck, Liam. Stop being such an idiot. This is like the fourth time she's explained it to you. I thought you were supposed to be fucking smart or something," Maggie says.
"Come 'ere," Liam says, gesturing with his fingers and giving her a come hither look. Maggie looks suspicious for a moment than leans closer. Liam grabs her head and they proceed to make out.
I sigh and look at Kate.
"They're no worse than you and Edward," she says, making me blush.
"I refuse to believe that," I say.
"Well, at least you and Edward are committed to each other. You have that going for you," she says.
"Thank you, Kate."
"And I think it's great you're working on going to Paris for a semester," Kate continues. "It's cool. And brave. Living in a foreign place like that."
"Well, I don't know about that. I just hope it works out. It will be hard to be away from Edward," I say.
"It will be fine. You guys love each other," she says.
"That we do."
And I know that. I do know that. The strength of that love is the main reason I'm even considering study abroad. Still, that doesn't mean that it won't be hard. Just being a city away from him is extremely difficult. Sometimes a whole damn ocean separating us seems impossible, but if I don't do it now, I'm never going to do it at all.
I really do want to go. I've always really wanted to go.
"Bella, he's fine." Kate pulls gently on my wrists but I need one more little moment to hide my eyes.
"Seriously, you're a goddamn baby. If he didn't fall down a couple times a game he wouldn't be doing it right," Maggie says.
"That was more getting crushed than falling down, Mag," Liam puts in. "That was a pretty brutal hit."
"Whatever. Football isn't for the weak hearted."
Apparently I am the weak hearted. I remove my hands from my face so I can scowl at her properly. I'm still not very good at watching football. It's been almost two years since Jasper's accident, but I still dream about it sometimes. Especially before Edward plays.
"Leave me alone, Maggie," I snap. "I'm allowed to be a little bit worried about the man I love. Really terrible accidents do happen, you know!"
She looks ashamed, probably remembering my stories about Jazz, but doesn't apologize. It takes an awful lot to get an apology out of Maggie. When she melted the arm of our couch with the iron all she said was "oops."
I watch Edward jump in place in the huddle, shaking his arm. It must be his shoulder. He's always had problems with it, not that he would ever complain. His winces tell me all I need to know, and I'm now extra careful to avoid that right shoulder, especially after games.
"At least they've wrapped this one up pretty nicely," Liam says. He plays with the ends of Maggie's hair and I'm a little surprised she lets him. "Up by twenty with less than two minutes left, not so bad."
I nod, but continue to focus on Edward. That last hit sure was a big one.
"We should go," Maggie says. "Getting on the light rail is going to be enough of a bitch as it is. We can at least beat the masses."
"I thought we were going to wait for Edward?" Liam asks, looking at me.
"I don't want to wait for Edward." Maggie is now in whinny drunk mode. I would rather Liam just take her away.
"It's fine. I'll wait."
"I'll stay with you," Kate says. I smile gratefully. It's going to be awhile before Edward emerges.
Kate and I end up at a nearby bar in Lodo. Freshmen year Edward made sure everyone connected with him was equipped with fake IDs, including Kate. She still gets nervous about it, but here in Denver they are less intense about it than they are in Boulder so she does okay.
The bar is already crowed, mostly with people coming from the game it looks like. We manage to find a spot tucked away in a corner where we can sip our wine and actually carry on a conversation.
"So it was a good game," Kate says.
"It was."
"Edward scored two touchdowns."
"I know." I smile a little because Kate is incapable of just jumping right in. She has to make small talk before finally mounting the courage to say what's really on her mind.
"And I'm sure his shoulder will be fine," she continues.
I nod and wait for her to get to it.
"So… Garrett played pretty well tonight too, don't you think?" I have to bite my lip to keep from giggling. She's working so hard to stay casual, as if I haven't known for months that she has a crush on Edward's football playing friend.
"You should tell him that the next time you see him," I say, sipping my wine.
"Oh that's not I meant. I couldn't possibly… He doesn't even know who I am," she stutters.
"He does so. He calls you Alaska. Maybe he would have a better time remembering you if you actually talked to him and didn't run off every time he's within five feet of you," I point out.
"I don't do that."
"Yes, you do." I don't say anything else because we've had this argument about a hundred times.
"I'm going to get another drink," Kate says, standing abruptly. "Do you want another drink?"
I nod and watch her leave with wide eyes. She seems upset. When she returns a few minutes later I can tell she's working hard to be her normal self. She talks somewhat non-stop about the weather first – unseasonably warm, especially in comparison to Anchorage – and church second – my presence next weekend is mandatory, she already checked and knows Edward has an away game.
I keep trying to ask if she's all right but she won't let me get a word in edge wise. She doesn't seem to breath until my phone lights up on the table between us, interrupting her.
"Hey, baby." I talk loudly into the phone so he can hear me.
"Where you at?" he replies. I can tell by the joy in his voice that he's elated, flying high off victory.
"Some bar. It's not far. We'll come meet you."
"We'll be at the light rail."
It's not until we approach the station that I really start thinking about who "we" could be. By then it's too late. We round a corner to see Edward and Garrett laughing about something. I feel Kate stiffen next to me. I give her a sympathetic look but she just glares at me. This seems like a good sign. Mad is better than terrified. Maybe those two glasses of wine are making her brave.
"Hey," Edward calls when he sees us approaching. I forget to pay any attention to Kate and Garrett when he looks at me like that. That smile is just for me.
"Hi," I say, smiling back. I wrap my arms around his waist and tilt my face towards his when I get close enough. A little sign of contentment escapes me when he gives me a chaste kiss. He holds me with just his left arm so I know his shoulder's bugging him. I'll ice it later, but now I know Edward is gonna want to celebrate sweet victory.
"Good game," I murmur. "We were pretty late gettin' there so tell me, was it just the one touchdown you scored? In the middle of the third?"
Edward frowns for a minute before rolling his eyes. "That's funny, Swan. Real funny. You're a right comedian, you are."
I laugh and cuddle into his side before looking at Garrett.
"Hey there," I greet.
"Bella," he says, nodding.
"You remember my roommate, Kate?" I say. He turns his head to look at the girl in question. For a moment I think Kate is going to be sick or faint or something, but then she stands tall and actually manages a smile.
"Yeah," Garrett says, nodding and smiling back. "Hey, Kate. Good to see you."
"Hi," she replies, not even squeaking at all. "You played a great game. Especially that run near the end of the third. No one could touch you."
I cover my mouth with my hand in an attempt to hide my shock.
"Wow, thanks," Garrett says, grinning. "I'm something of the star player. The very best guy out there, I have to say."
Kate actually giggles. Edward smacks Garrett in the shoulder.
"Okay, okay, so I'm kidding. Mostly."
"So what are we doin' tonight, Swan?" Edward asks.
"That's really up to you, champ. Winners choice," I reply. "Don't you want to go back to Boulder and bask in your victory?"
Edward winces. Garrett shakes his head.
"It's nice to get away from all that sometimes," Garrett says. "I know Edward's too nice to say anything, but most of the guys on the team kinda suck. Who wants to be around that?"
Edward is definitely not too nice to say anything. In fact he's said quiet a few things. Edward has yet to find the brotherhood and closeness he felt with the Panthers. It's one of the things that makes me scared that he's going to give it up.
"Well, in that case we'll have to get you two to a DU party," I reply, pulling Edward closer to the platform when I see an approaching train. "Some where nobody recognizes those famous faces."
We end up at a party with people I mostly know from church. And I don't know if this is the way things are everywhere, but here at DU the craziest partiers are often the people who love Jesus the most. Couldn't tell you why that is but it makes for a party wild enough for Edward and Garrett.
Riley finds me not long after we arrive, right around the time I lose track of Edward. This is probably no coincidence. Edward has been certain for months that my church friend has a little crush on me – Edward used much different language – but I didn't agree until recently.
Not that it matters.
"Hey, Bella," he greets.
"Riley," I reply. "Did you make it to the game?"
"Sure did. I went with my dad. It's one of our little traditions," he says.
"That's real nice. When do you leave?"
Riley is taking this semester off to go on a mission trip to Colombia. I was shocked and somewhat jealous when he told me. His decision to live abroad for awhile combined with Alice's unexpected pregnancy both got me thinkin' a lot this summer. It's part of the reason I'm thinking about study abroad for next semester.
"Next Sunday," he says, grinning. "I'm nervous."
"Yeah, it'll probably be pretty overwhelming at first. But then your gonna love it," I say.
"Thanks, Bella." That smile is a little too warm and there is really no reason for him to be touching my elbow. I clear my throat and take a step back. He looks at the ground, embarrassed.
Stuff like this is why we never really became friends, despite singin' together in church.
"I'm havin' a little going away party Friday night, if your interested," he says. "Feel free to bring your boyfriend."
"Thanks, Riley," I reply. "But I think I'm actually gonna be up in Boulder that weekend."
He looks disappointed and I'm not at all sorry when Maggie finds me. How she even made it to this party when she started drinkin' twelve hours ago is a mystery.
"Bella!" she says, leaning heavily against me. Her curly hair gets in my mouth. I sputter as I gather her hair and move it out of my face. "Get lost, bible thumper," she says, glaring at Riley. I sigh and try to look apologetic. "Unless you want to hear me talk to Bella all about that guy's dick, then feel free to stick around."
Riley scuttles away.
"We're not really going to talk about Liam's you know what, are we?" I ask. "What else could you possibly have to tell me about it?"
Maggie laughs, stumbling against me. I have to wrap my arms around her waist to keep up both upright.
Finally I find Edward in the kitchen. He's with a couple guys from church and Garrett. All have shot glasses raised and they make a toast before drinking. Then they do it again. He spots me across the crowed room where I'm trying to ignore Maggie's talk about Liam's anatomy. We make eye contact and Edward nods towards the back deck. It takes me a minute of navigating and I have to hand Maggie over to Liam, but I do make it to him.
There are a couple people I don't know at the far end of the deck smoking, but I ignore them as I let Edward push me against the side of the house.
"Hey there," he says, one hand on my hip and one hand against the side of my neck.
"Hi," I reply, surprised by the slight slur in my voice. Edward just grins
"I needed a moment with my lady," he murmurs, resting his forehead against my forehead. "You're friends might be crazier than my friends."
"Let's call it a tie."
"Okay," he says, still talking quietly. His sloppy drunken smile makes my heart melt.
"I love you."
"I love you back."
"Are you sure?" I ask, surprising us both.
"Yeah, pretty fuckin' sure."
"You won't hate me if I go to France?" I hate myself for bringing this up right now. There's too much alcohol to be sensible.
"I won't hate you ever," he replies, thumb tracing my jaw.
"I don't know what I'd do, if you hated me," I whisper.
"Bella…"
"I'm sorry. I don't know what's in my head, bringin' this up right now," I say, trying to squelch the ridiculous urge to cry. "I just want you to be happy."
"You love me, we just beat CSU," he replies smiling again. "How could I not be happy?"
I don't mean right in this moment kinda happy. I mean longer term happy, but I don't say anything. I haven't been saying anything since these fears of mine started creeping in on me last semester.
Instead I just slip my hands under his Panthers t-shirt, feeling the warm smooth contours of his back. He shivers slightly beneath my hands. "Cold?" I ask him.
He just shakes his head once before he kisses me. Kisses me and kisses me and kisses me. I would be perfectly happy to just kiss him like this for the rest of forever, but Garrett ruins my dreams.
"Hey, lovebirds," he shouts, sticking his head out the sliding glass door next to us. "It's your turn."
"For what now?" Edward asks, scowling at his friend.
"Beer pong," Garrett says. "You guys signed up, right?"
I'm about to tell him no we most certainly did not when I see Kate's head pop out next to Garrett's. She looks at me pleadingly.
"Aw, fuck," Edward mutters as I drag him inside.
"Oh my God," I whisper, staring at nothing in my shock.
"Bella—"
"Oh my God!" I yell this time, tossing my phone away and leaping up to pace around my bedroom.
"Now, Bella," Edward says, sitting on the end of my bed. "Just calm down. It's gonna be—"
"Don't you do that," I shout, rounding on him. I wave my finger in his face and continue to freak out. "I can hear it in your voice. You doin' that thing you do where you try to placate me. Where you try to calm me down. I don't need to be calm. I'm perfectly fine with freaking out right now!"
Edward winces, his hand going to his hair as he watches me pace.
"We leave for Dillon tomorrow!" I yell.
"I know, baby, I know it."
"Is a little notice too much to ask for!"
"Do you really think timing would have changed your reaction?" he asks, being infuriatingly calm, cool, and collected.
"Just agree with me, Edward," I say through a clenched jaw as I stand in front of him and glare. "Is that so hard? Just for right now can't you please just agree with me even if you think I'm acting like a crazy person?"
His lips twitch into a little smile. It makes me so mad I want to scream at him, but even I'm not far gone enough not to realize that my anger is misplaced.
"Yes, ma'am. And I do agree with most everything you're sayin'. I just don't like you upset. I wanna make you feel better," he explains, reaching towards me. His big hand wraps around my hips.
I take a few deep, measured breaths.
"Edward, my father just informed me that not only is he dating Barbara Denali, but she is movin' in with him. How in the hell am I supposed to be anything but upset right now?" I ask, pleased that I sound less hysterical than a did a moment before.
Edward nods, but doesn't say anything. I'm glad he isn't trying to talk me out of my feelings anymore. His thumb rubs against my skin just above my jeans and I let it soothe me.
"I know it's not right," I whisper. As my mad leaves me I just get sad. "But to me she's always gonna be the woman that ruined my family. Always. And now she'll be joining our family for Christmas. She started it all. She was the beginning of the end for my parents, and I know it's too simple but that's how I feel."
I sniff and wipe at my nose with the back of my hand.
Edward opens his arms wide. "You look like you need a hug."
I quickly fold myself in to his body, curling up against his chest. He holds me close, kissing my temple and rubbing my back. I don't really cry but do sniffle a little.
"If I was a good person I'd be happy that my dad isn't alone anymore," I murmur.
"You'll get there. I believe you'll get there," he says. "If… if everything that happened with your dad and Barbara Denali that summer didn't happen… would we have happened?"
I sit up, looking at him. It's not often that Edward deals with what ifs. He's definitely more of a come what may kinda guy.
"I never thought of it that way," I say. Reaching up to touch his face, I make him look at me. Again, the vulnerability I see in his expression is unusual. "But we would have found a way to each other. We're inevitable, Edward."
"You think?"
"Yeah."
Before he can kiss me I have a terrible thought that has me leaping off his lap and pacing around again.
"Oh my God!"" I yell.
"What! Fuck, Bella," Edward replies, hands back in his hair. "What now?"
"If Barbara Denali is going to be at our Christmas dinner do you know who else will be there?" I shriek. "Where the hell else is Tanya Denali going to be?"
Edward groans, flopping down onto his back.
"Oh my God," he mutters.
On December twentieth we all receive the best possible Christmas present. Jackson Alexander Whitlock is born after over a day of labor. The last time we all camped out in a hospital it was not any where near this joyous.
"He looks like one of those little soft peanut candy things," Emmett observes when they finally let all of into Alice's room. "They're really gross."
Alice, sweaty and exhausted and smiley, still manages to slap Emmett in the arm for that one.
"That's my best work of art you're talking about," she says, that soft smile still on her face and she looks down at the little baby in Jasper's arms. "My best creation."
"You had help," Jasper reminds her.
She nods and pushes a hand through his hair.
"Can I hold him?" Rosalie asks, practically vibrating in place. "Please, please, please, please."
Emmett looks at his fiancé in horror. Someone is definitely not ready for Rose to have the baby bug.
The baby bug is frighteningly easy to catch, turns out. Seeing Edward coach his little kids makes my womb ache. It's embarrassing really, and another part of my decision to study abroad next semester. I need to do some of the things I've always wanted to do before my womb gets the best of me.
"She's gonna steal your baby, Ali," Emmett says. "Say no."
Jasper just chuckles and hands over the new baby to Rosalie who absolutely melts. She makes some very strange noises, over come by cuteness.
"Emmett…" she says, pleading.
"No."
"Em..."
"Hell no."
"Rose, hurry up," I interject. "I want a turn."
No one in the room can seem to stop drinking up little Jackson with our eyes. Except maybe Emmett who is more focused on Rosalie.
"Hey there," I say, when I finally hold the little guy. He is just so tiny, but already it's obvious from the little wisps of blond hair on his head that he takes after his daddy. "Hi, Jackson."
The little baby blinks at me, latching his tiny fingers onto one of mine, and I'm a puddle. I glance up at Edward who's watching me intently with bright eyes and a slight, crooked smile.
Oh, damn.
"You wanna hold him?" I ask, stepping closer to Edward.
That wonderful look is gone and now he's panicking slightly. "Naw," he says, shaking his head. "You're doin' a fine job."
"Go on," Jasper says, nudging Edward. "Meet your godson."
Edward winces, but I smile. The two have them are brothers again, all ill will forgotten. They've been even closer than they were before Edward and Alice followed Jazz to Mexico and talked him out of having that surgery that promised to give him his legs back but would have probably killed him.
Good thing too. Alice could never have done this on her own.
I put the baby in Edward's arms, smiling at how nervous and careful he appears. He grins at me as Jackson settles in and yawns. It's hard to look at him but there is no way I'm turning away, even as my breath catches in my throat.
"Nice to meet yah, little man," Edward murmurs. "I'm your Uncle Eddie."
Alice snorts, her eyes fixed on her son. "Uncle Eddie? That's creepy. It sounds like you should be about 50 years old with a big ass beard and a beer gut."
"Soon enough, Ali," Edward replies. "Soon enough."
"Something to look forward to, Bella," Alice says. She looks so tired I know we'll be clearing outta here soon.
I glance to Edward who is falling in love with Jackson before my eyes.
"Yeah," I reply, smiling softly at him. "Something to look forward to indeed."
EPOV
Christmas dinner is just about as bad as we thought it was gonna be. What with the arrival of Jackson and everything, Coach cancels dinner at his place for everyone. Charlie's apartment is just too damn small, and somehow he tricks me into offering up our house.
Well, it's really more Emmett and Rosalie's house now. That doesn't stop me from invitin' Charlie and Barbara and her daughter over for the meal.
"How exactly did this happen? I mean, you don't even really live here anymore. What did you do to make it so I have to spend my Christmas with Tanya Denali?" Rosalie asks as she tidies up, putting a few things away before our guests arrive. There isn't that much cleaning to do. The house looks like a whole different place than when it was just me and Em on our own.
There's a real table where the pool table used to be. Oh how things have changed.
"I don't know, Rose," I say for the hundredth time, helpin' myself to a beer. It's my third one of the afternoon. I'm probably going to need a whole lot more. "The conversation is a blur. He swindled me."
"Well, he was a car salesmen for years before he opened the bar last summer," Bella reminds me.
Charlie's Place, the new Panther themed bar and grill right in the heart of downtown, is already something of a hit. Don't know where Bella's dad got the funds to get her goin' but the place is packed pretty much all the goddamn time. It does combine all the things the folks of Dillon love – alcohol, meat, and football.
"So it's your fault?" Rosalie asks, rounding on Bella now. "For bein' his daughter and all?"
"Technically I think we could blame in on Jackson for coming early," Bella says, working over the stove. "Edward, chop this."
I do what she says bein' that she and Rose are pretty much preparing this whole meal on their own.
Emmett emerges from the bedroom to put on Christmas music. He sings along, totally off key, flopping down on the couch Rosalie just straightened.
When I'm done chopping everything Bella asked me to chop she dismisses me, saying that hacking things up is the extent of my cooking ability. I remind her that I make a mean piece of toast.
She laughs and lets me wrap my arms around her waist. Even though she keeps cooking whatever it is she's cooking, she sighs and pushes back into me. I'm happy and warm, with her right here.
She's not gonna be right here for long.
Stupid France.
I don't let myself think about it.
My little moment of joy ends with the knock on the door.
"Show time," I murmur in Bella's ear.
"Hi y'all!" yells Barbara Denali when Rose gets the door open.
"Oh my God," says Bella.
"I've just been so lonely, livin' in that house all on my own. Now that all the girls are growed up and Tanya is in Austin, well, there was just no reason I could see to stay in the old place," Barbara Denali says, talking animatedly. She and Charlie might be the only ones oblivious to the tension. Maybe they are just better at ignoring it. "Not with me spendin' most my nights at Charlie's, anyhow."
Bella stabs a piece of asparagus so hard it ends up smacking me in the hand somehow. I watch her scowling at Barbara Denali, with her fried blond hair and sparkly, low cut top.
I wonder if Barbara knows I had sex with her daughter on the couch just a few feet away. I don't remember if Tanya ever made it to my bed. She sure as fuck didn't stay the night. Only Bella's ever done that.
Em and Rose should really invest in some new furniture.
"How do you like Austin, Tanya?" Rosalie asks, surprising everyone. In high school Rose hated Tanya pretty much as much as Bella did. They both have the same kinda super sexy, big-titted, shiny look happening and there was definitely competition about that.
Maybe Rose is trying to move the subject away from something so repulsive to Bella. Maybe she is trying to prove to Emmett she's grown up enough to have a baby. Difficult to say with Rose.
"It's fine," Tanya replies. "I'm just happy to be out of Dillon. I can't think of anything more depressing than rotting away in this shithole. Not that it's a problem at your age, Momma. But I wouldn't want to be wastin' my pretty years here. I'm way too young and hot to be settlin' down with some townie."
Now it's Rosalie stabbing violently at her food.
"So, Bella," Barbara says. I can tell it's hard work for Bella to keep the glare off her face. "What's this I hear about you goin' all the way to France?"
"Uh… I'm going all the way to France," she says. Charlie gives her a look and she sighs. "I'm studying abroad in Paris for a semester."
"Now why would you want to go and do a thing like that?" Barbara continues. "I mean there are French people in France."
Barbara looks around like she expecting someone to laugh. No one does. Bella blinks a lot and I worry that her head might pop off.
"That's kinda the point," Bella says. "I've always wanted to live abroad. Hopefully I'll be fluent in French when I get back. I've always done well in French class. And I'm really into French literature right now."
Tanya snorts. "Well, la-di-da."
"That's… real nice, Bella," Barbara replies. "When do you leave?"
"Semesters are different there so I don't fly out till mid-February. I'll be back in July."
That is one positive of this whole fucking thing. Bella found a renter for her room in Denver, so she'll be stayin' with me in Boulder till she leaves. She'll be right there with me, at least for a little while.
"So what are you gonna do, Edward?" Tanya asks. She hugged me when she first showed up, probably just to fuck with Bella. She can't be anymore happy that her mom is with Charlie than Bella is.
Last time I was in such close proximity to her she slapped me. That was right around when Bella and I went public, all those years ago.
"Uh… what now?" I ask.
"What are you gonna do with Bella in France?" she continues.
"Uh… miss her a lot?" Not sure why that comes out a question. I already miss her like crazy, just thinkin' about it.
"So she's just leavin' you? And you're okay with that?' Tanya demands.
That's a real tricky question. No, I ain't okay with it. I hate the thought of her bein' across the damn ocean with a bunch of fucking foreigners speaking a language that all the ladies seem to go gaga for.
But I want her to go. I want her happy. I would pretty much be her only reason not to go. Never do I ever want to hold her back. When I get irrational I want to point out that the only reason I'm in Colorado is for her, so if she's gone why should I stay? But that ain't fair or really even true either.
School ain't so bad.
It's a little over five months. We can last five months.
"Yeah, bilingual chicks are hot," I reply, grinning at Bella. She rolls her eyes, but smiles anyway. "Plus, five months ain't so long. We've got video chattin' and all that. "
Plus I gotta a little stashed away. I might be able to swing a spring break plane ticket. Maybe I'll go in that little break I get after school and before football gets really serious. Haven't mentioned that yet. Don't want her gettin' her hopes up.
"Damn, Edward," Tanya says, shaking her head sadly at me. "You're much more trusting than I would be."
I just stare blankly, not gettin' it at all.
"What with the way you two got together, I'd been keepin' an eye on that one," Tanya continues. She smiles but that don't make her nice.
Still, I don't get what's she trying to say.
"Jealous bitch," Bella says, making Charlie choke.
And than I remember the whole cheatin' on Jasper situation. That's what Tanya is talking about.
"What did you call me?" Tanya yells.
"You heard her," I reply. "Seems like Bella can see just what you are better than you can see what she is."
"Now, I won't have you talkin' to my daughter like that," Barbara says. "Charlie, do something!"
Mr. Swan just sits frozen in place with wide eyes.
Rosalie launches a spoonful of gravy, hittin' Tanya right in between those propped up tits.
Charlie, Barbara, and Tanya don't stay for dessert.
"You're mad at me," Bella says when she finally gets back from visiting Alice and Jackson. During our breaks from school freshmen year she'd pretend to stay at Charlie's place. This year she doesn't even bother with that.
"I ain't mad."
"Yes, you are. Don't you think after all this time I can tell?" She drops her purse off on my desk and then moves to the closet to kick off her boots and hang up her jacket. "I'm sorry I was gone so long. I'm just really worried about Alice."
I watch her out of the corner of my eye, continuing to strum the guitar in my lap.
"She okay?" I ask.
"Yeah, yeah, everything is fine. But… she hates Dillon. It's like she resigned herself to spend the rest of her life here even though she hates it because this is where Jasper is. I just hope it doesn't destroy her, givin' up art school and all that."
"Who could hate Dillon?" I ask, really not gettin' what Bella is goin' on about.
"Alice. Alice hates Dillon. She always has. How could you not know this?"
I just shrug. Bella sighs.
"You're mad," she repeats.
"I ain't mad," I repeat.
"Is this because we're goin' back to Colorado in two days?" she asks, standing in front of me with her hands on her hips.
"I don't know what you're talkin' about."
"Edward, you've been cranky and quiet since New Years. Maybe even since Christmas. Is it because of what Tanya said at that horrible dinner?" Bella asks.
I look at her like she's stupid because right now that's just how she's acting.
"Because I would never cheat on you. I would never even want to. And I know I don't have a lot of credibility on that front after Jazz but—"
"Bella, I know," I say. My voice is more gruff than I intended. It's just a little irritating that she doesn't think that I know that she would never cheat on me.
"Edward, you've gotta talk to me," she says. "Pretty soon all we'll have is talkin'."
My fingers strike an angry cord on my guitar. Bella gently pulls it away from me, sitting next to me on the mattress, facing me.
"I'm sorry I was late," she murmurs, reaching out to stroke my scruffy jaw. "I'm sorry I was gone so long."
"It's just… we don't have that much time, Bella," I reply, feeling like an asshole.
"Did I ever tell you why I even stated thinkin' about studying abroad?" Bella asks.
"Haven't you always wanted to?"
"Well, yeah. I have but living in another country has always been one of those things I see happening in the future, way off in the distant future. It still doesn't seem real to me, that pretty soon I'll be living in Europe."
It feels plenty real to me. Fucking real as fuck.
"But then the possibility became real."
"How?"
"This is so embarrassing," she says, attempting to hide her blush in her hands.
"Bella," I ask with a slight chuckle. This is not what I was expecting from her. Not at all. "What are you doin' hiding your face from me? It's too pretty to cover up."
She lets me pry her hands away and then gives me a rueful story.
"In all this time we've been together we haven't really talked about the future," she says.
"Yeah we have. We've talked about you bein' away. We came to Colorado together."
"No, not just a few months. I mean the future future. You know, like after graduation and everything," she says.
"Oh."
I definitely prefer to live in the moment, but I've assumed for a good long while now that Bella would be my future. She's it for me. All I've ever wanted. The look on her face makes me feel like an idiot. I just assumed she felt the same way, but I really don't fucking now. We haven't talked about it.
What if she doesn't see us makin' it outta college? That's gotta be crazy thinkin' right?
"When you were helpin' coach pee wee last spring, do you remember Maggie teasing me?" Bella asks.
What the fuck is this now? She's so fucking all over the place with this conversation it's making my head spin.
"I don't make it a practice of payin' much attention to anything Maggie says," I reply. I'm so fucking nervous it feels like my chest is imploding.
"Well… she was teasing me because the way I watched you with those little kids. She said my womb was aching."
"Oh."
That's gotta be like what I felt when I saw her holdin' Jackson, right? Because I sure as fuck don't have a fucking womb but I loved the way Bella looked holding that baby.
"Is that okay?" she asks. I realize that I'm not the only one nervous about this conversation.
"Bella, of course it's okay to feel how you feel," I reply.
"No, I mean is okay that I've thought about that? That I want that with you?"
I grab her hand and free her bottom lip from her teeth.
"Want what with me?" I need to hear her say it. Need to know that we are actually talking about the same thing here.
"Babies, Edward," she snaps, annoyed now. "Freakin' babies."
"My freakin' babies?" I ask, grinning at her.
"Yes," she says, shy and blushing again.
"It's great," I reply. Somehow my face is a lot closer to hers than it was a minute ago.
"Really?" she squeaks.
"Yeah. I mean, back in the day I never thought I would have that. I never thought I would want kids. But I never thought I would go to college either. You're a game changer for me, Bella. And I want that with you. I want you wanting my babies."
She giggles, joy radiating from her. I hook her chin in between my fingers because how could I not kiss her at a time like this? It's slow and sweet at first, but it doesn't take long for Bella to crawl in to my lap, rubbin' against me.
Surely she doesn't want to start this baby thing now? Hopefully this is just practice.
"Bella," I manage, even though it's fucking difficult to think about anything when she's this close to me. "How did we even start talking about babies? It's not to make a baby right this minute, is it?"
It takes her a moment, but slowly that dreamy look on her face changes as she's able to understand what I'm sayin'.
"Oh!" she squeals, embarrassed again. She tries to climb off my lap but I hold her firmly with my hands on her hips. "No, no, no. Of course not. That's just crazy talk. No babies for a while yet. We've got to graduate and I've gotta go to France."
I stare at her, not bothering to hide my amusement. She's cute when she's flustered.
"I just don't get why you decided to bring this up now? Not that I ain't glad we had this little chat," I say.
"France. That's how this came up. I was explaining why I want to go to France."
"Connect the dots, Bella," I say. "I've still got no idea what you're trying to tell me."
"Alice got pregnant," she says, further confusing me. What the hell has been goin' on in her head for all these months? "This summer when she told me she was pregnant it freaked me out because I had just been fanaticizing about having your babies."
She pauses to see if I follow. I nod for her to continue.
"So all of a sudden the possibility of having babies became real to me which I want, someday. But there is all this stuff I want to do first," she says.
"So you goin' away is you wanting to do some of this stuff while you can before we settle down and start popping them out?" I clarify.
"Yes! That's exactly it. Right after Alice told me she was expecting I found out about Riley goin' to Colombia," Bella says.
"Riley. That motherfucker. I hope he never comes back from South American," I mutter.
Bella ignores my little tantrum
"He just reminded me that I've always wanted to live out of the country and this is the time to do it. Right now."
"Right now," I repeat, finally understanding why she's gotta go. "Now's the time."
"Yes," she replies, her hands cradling my face. "I would never go if I thought it would hurt our relationship. Still, I'm going to miss you so much."
"Well, that's good to hear," I reply, feeling better for the first time in a good long time. "Can we get back to practice?"
"Practice?"
"You know, for makin' our future freakin' babies," I murmur against her lips, smirking slightly.
"Okay," she says with a giggle.
"What the fucking hell is this shit!" I yell. Havin' a giant stack of papers dropped on my stomach is not a good way to wake up, especially seein' as I had no desire to wake up in the first place.
Sleep is the one time I'm not constantly thinkin' about Bella halfway across the goddamn world.
"I'm here to cheer you up," Liam says, smiling at me, unflappable as ever. Sometimes his easy-goingness is real irritating.
"With a pile of paperwork?" I ask, sitting up on my elbows and looking at the stuff still on my stomach. "And I don't need cheerin' up."
"Yeah, you really fucking do. Were you this pathetic before Bella wised up and dumped your best friend?" Liam asks.
I just scowl at him. That is one story that he would have never heard if I had my way. My roommate spends way too much time with Bella's roommate and girls will talk.
"You know I'm applying to get into the School of Ed next year," he says.
"What's that got to do with me?"
"I've decided you're applying too."
"No. Fuck no. Why would I fucking do that?"
That sounds like extra work. I'm not too into extra work.
"Because," he says, taking a seat in my chair and propping his feet up on my desk. "You love little kids and your teachers classes. You're just too stubborn to admit you kinda like school. And you never like to plan for the future. It was a pain in the ass getting you to agree to sign a year long lease for this place. Seriously, I don't know how Bella got you commit."
"That's all bullshit," I snap. "I'm great at thinkin' about the future."
Liam snorts.
"There's been talk," I say.
"Talk?"
"Talk. You know. Talk. Goin' pro kinda talk," I mutter. This is the sorta thing I should have probably discussed with Bella but Bella ain't here.
"Pro?" Liam ask, looking at me blankly.
"Pro. You know. NFL, that kinda pro."
"Well, hot damn. You're that good?" My roommate looks genuinely surprised.
"There's been talk," I reply.
"Do you want to play professional football?" he asks.
"I dunno."
Liam looks at me for a long moment, studying me as if he has some hope of understanding what's going on in my head.
"You still gotta study something, right?" Liam finally asks.
"I guess."
"School of Ed, my man," he replies, getting up and moseying towards my bedroom door. "There's nothing wrong with having a plan B."
What if I don't want it to be a backup? What if I want this to be plan A?
I stare at the papers for a long time before moving to my desk and finding a pen.
The longest plane ride I'd been on before now was from Texas to Colorado. It's pretty quick. Flyin' across the freakin' ocean takes a good long while. I don't like it. Not the bumps or all that blue beneath me. I close the window so I don't have to look at it.
I shift around uncomfortably in my seat. The small women next to me looks at my long legs with sympathy before turning off her light and going to sleep. It takes me a long time to calm down enough to close my eyes, but the thought of seein' Bella in a few hours helps me somewhat.
I even manage to doze for a couple hours.
Then the thought of Bella makes me impatient rather than calm. Two and a half weeks. That's how long I'll have with her in France before I have to be back for football. She'll still be takin' classes so I'll have spend a good chunk of time on my own, but what the fuck ever. I can't think of anything that will keep me from her.
When we land I want to plow down the aisle but instead wait my turn to get off the damn plane.
Spotting Bella, waitin' anxiously for me when I exit the terminal makes me so happy it feels like my heart stops.
It's been almost three fucking months since I last saw her. That was one tearful airport goodbye.
By the time I navigate the crowd and get to her she's crying so hard she can't manage to speak. I don't say anything either, and just wrap myself around her. She shakes in my arms and gets my shirt all wet. We stay like that for a minute before I have to kiss her. She smiles against my lips and lets me kiss her face all over.
"Fuck, I missed you," I murmur when we both clam down.
"So so much," Bella replies. She wipes away her tears. "I'm a mess."
"You're a mess? I just spend two lifetimes on an airplane."
Bella smiles and grabs my hand. "Let's go."
"It's cozy."
"Cozy is code for tiny," Bella says, leading me through her cramped apartment to her bedroom in the back. "I'm just lucky to have a room to myself. Can't afford any bigger, livin' right in the city like this. If we were lucky enough to get an apartment on the other side of the building we could see the Eiffel Tower."
She lives with two other students from her study abroad program. She never has much to say about them and I'm glad they don't appear to be around now.
Her room is more like a closet. This suits me fine, means I'll get to be real close to her for the next couple weeks.
"Instead you got that nice brick wall," I say, nodding in the direction of her small window. I drop my duffle and backpack at my feet. Bella kicks them both in to the floor of her small closet.
"You hungry?" she asks.
"No." I approach her. She backs up until her knees hit her mattress. Her eyes are bright and she bites her bottom lip as she looks up at me.
"Tired?"
"No." That's mostly a lie. I'm so tired I'm not really tired anymore, if that makes sense. Plus, I want her too badly to think about something as stupid as bein' tired. I play with the hem of her white henley shirt and rake my eyes down her body.
"Need a shower?"
This question gives me pause. I am a little grimy after bein' on a plane all that time. I did manage to brush my teeth, but I don't want to gross out my lady.
"Do you want me to take a shower?"
"Not yet," she murmurs.
Both of us seem to have enough of that chit chat at this point because we basically attack each other. Kissing each other breathless, we yank at each others clothes. Shirts are tossed to the floor along with her bra. Our movements are jerky and desperate rather than practiced and efficient. We fall back to her tiny twin bed, and I pull back for a moment to pull off her jeans. They get stuck on somethin' and I growl in frustration before turning my attention to her foot ware.
"What the fuck is this?" I demand, lifting Bella's foot to study her shoe.
It's a boot. It's definitely a boot, but not her normal kinda boot.
Bella sits up on her elbows to see what the hold up is. I get distracted by the movement of her tits, but only for one quick minute.
"What now?" Bella says, breathless and panting.
"This?" I say, shaking her foot around.
"That's my boot."
"It's don't look like your normal kinda boot."
"They're new."
"What happened to your cowboy boots?"
"There're in the closet."
"How the fuck do I get it off?"
"There's a zipper on the side."
Using her ankle I turn her leg to see the damn zipper.
"This is a damn monstrosity," I mutter, pulling down said zipper. "A travesty, even."
"What?" she snaps, apparently irritated with me.
"Since when do you wear fucking boots with zippers?" I demand.
"Are we really talkin' about this right now?" she says, scowling at me.
Again, I get distracted by the way her tits move with each labored breath.
"Edward!" she yells, kicking to remind me I have her half way out of one not-cowboy boot.
Grumbling to myself, I stand up and finally get the first on off her foot. Her skinny jeans were all tucked in to it.
"Gone three months and you're already gettin' all Frenchified," I say, working on her other one.
She yells at me a little in French and then laughs at me when I blink in horror.
"They're just shoes, baby," she says, lifting her hips off the bed to help me pull off her jeans the rest off the way. I take her panties while I'm at it. And her socks. Then I just stare down at her for a while because my memory didn't do her justice. Not at all.
"Edward," she whispers, smiling up at me with such affection. "Stop gawkin' and take your damn pants off."
There really ain't a single reason for me not to obey.
We do all this French stuff I should really be more interested in. This is my first time in a foreign country, and the first day or two I want to look at everything, but soon I lose interest in the new sights and focus on absorbing enough of Bella to last me for two months when it's time for me to leave.
Most days I walk Bella to class and then wander around, lookin' for a good spot to read or play the guitar I stole from one of Bella's roommates. French people don't seem to like the look of me too much, but it don't really bug me.
Bella is really shocked when I go through all the books I brought with me and have to search out a bookstore that sells English ones. She drags me to the library at her university to pick out a few things instead. We end up fucking in the stacks, something I never ever thought Bella Swan would do. The smell of books is gonna be a turn on for the rest of my life after that one.
Bella yells at me for about ten years when I finally get around to tellin' her that I got accepted into the School of Ed for the fall semester. After she loses her mad about me not tellin' me sooner she gives me a blow job and cooks me dinner
In the evenings I make her do her homework seated real close so we touch. I don't know how comfortable it is for her, but she humors me.
On the first weekend we do tourist things in the city. The Eiffel Tower and the like. Bella drags me to a bunch of museums.
"I know you ain't interested but you've gotta go to the Louvre just to say you went, you know?" she says.
No, I don't really fucking know but it makes her happy. She holds my hand all day and practices her French by translating all the signs.
She don't sound like she needs much practice to me. I like the way it sounds when we're alone, but hate that I can't hear what other people say to her. I get so pissed when our little waiter at a café greets Bella with far too much familiarity. She's somethin' of a regular here, it seems. He brings us wine and bread and cheese, grinning at me as he talks in rapid French to Bella. It makes her blush and I demand to know everything fucking thing he said to her.
"He said I'm an extremely lucky lady," Bella replies, giggling at me. "He called me crazy, sayin' if he had you he'd keep you locked up in the bedroom for his eyes only."
I blink at her for a moment before returning her grin. That's much better to the alternative.
I guess.
I hate all her friends. They don't speak much English around me, choosing instead to try and make me feel like an idiot about it. They treat me like I'm some ignorant jock and pity me for bein' from Texas. All they do is sit around bein' all pompus and self-important. When they do speak my language it's to explain things to me in a condescending way. I get a lot of pleasure correctin' one of them on the theory of Jean Piaget. They ignore me after that and I'm glad I didn't bother to learn their names. Bella don't like them much either, but they're all she's got. We don't see much of them.
We spent a whole mess of time in bed.
The second weekend we take a little trip to Normandy. Bella apparently saved this activity to do with me, figuring I'd be more interested in seein' the WWII battlefield than I would goin' to all her museums and what not.
She's right. It's pretty damn cool. I've never been much interested in shit that happened in the past, but it's still pretty damn cool.
When Bella takes me back to the airport at the end of my trip it feels like my insides have gotten all twisted up. I hate leavin' her, hate that she's here, hate that it'll be another two months till she comes home.
Still, it's obvious that she loves it here. I'm glad she decided to do this, even if I hate bein' away from here. It's been good for her. I like the way she can rattle off things and French and how well she's gotten to know this city.
We kiss a lot before it's finally time for me to go through security. Bella cries a lot and I tell her not to be sad.
We have the whole rest of our lives, after all.