My beta, gladrial, asked me how it was I didn't have a nervous breakdown whilst writing this fic. The answer is: I very nearly did.
The inspiration for this story gripped me as I finished Rid of Her as the various facts of Angel's life suddenly came vividly into my consciousness. I felt I had to tell her tale.
However, I thought I could do it quickly and easily and with a minimum of energy. How wrong I was!
I have been working on this story since I finished Rid of Her in early December, in almost every second of free time I've had. It completely consumed me. Writing it left me an emotional wreck. But I was driven by passion for Angel and her experiences to complete this massive tale in record time.
I honestly love this story very, very much, though I anticipate it will be one of my least popular fanfics. I am proud of the emotional spectrum I've captured here and to have written a story that is so absolutely about the experiences of women and how we resolve and deal with them. Most of the fanfic I have written over the years has been of this nature, but not in a long while.
As with everything I have ever written about Amber, this story is infused with many personal elements.
This is one of my favourite works I have ever written and I hope that some of you may read it to the end and find some worth in it.
Many thanks to gladrial for her unending support, encouragement and beta-skills. It was amazing to have her on hand to talk the details of this fic out with as objectivity was impossible, and for the incredible moral support. Thank you, babe! And thank you for being so complimentary to this fic. It's been wonderful to share it with someone who expressed so openly how much it affected them.
I meant to include somewhere in here that Mikey started hooking up with Renet sometime in that 2007-2008 period. Once the utrom arrival happens, I envision Mikey hooking up with a LOT of people of various species, but I do think he and Angel settle down happily together.
My concept of Raphael is that he doesn't fall in love easily at all - more like kicking and screaming all the way - but that when he does, he falls in love HARD and that it therefore takes him years to recover from something like a bad breakup or a partner's death. He's SO emotional but also works so hard on not facing his feelings that when they take hold of him he barely knows how to deal with them. I see Raphael as the most emotional of the bunch beneath all the macho swagger and assholishness and that he buffers that with anger, that he doesn't like to feel what he defines as weak. But he IS very emotional and capable of enormous love and when he finds himself in the midst of it, it really knock him for a six. Plus add in that he never got closure with Amber AND he's not sure if she's alive or dead, AND she was his first love, and it was a very intense relationship during a very intense time for him, AND she was the first person he had sex with and hopefully, even if you don't "get" why he loves her, you may understand why he just can't get over it, even though he could have something really great with Angel. It is possible I am going to write a story looking at Raphael and Amber's relationship more closely. Possible.