(Dizzy)
It's late, or really early. I don't know. I don't know if it's been one day, or two of them. The ability to get to sleep was simply lost on me. As if my body forgot completely how to rest. I found myself engrossed in this old, tattered book. This timeline, journal-like book that my mother and father had worked on together. While I know of their past, their struggles and their achievements, I simply didn't know how deep these things went. How filled with passion and emotion they were, and how even someone as strong as my mother had such conflicting feelings, and burdens of guilt resonating. Always, I assumed mom and dad had the answers. That in whatever adventure and predicament they found themselves in, the answer was presented to them, cut and dry. But, I was wrong.
Mom and dad, they faced so many gray areas. So many choices that, to an outsider like me, should have been clear and concise. It wasn't. None of it was. There were emotions mixed in, the fear of being unable to trust not only themselves but the people they were trying to aid. The people that helped them, like the Outcasts, turned out to only betray them. Even when mom and dad should have trusted each other, they battled with it. Both of their hand writing, my father's being the neater and more beautiful of the two, describe personal and intimate emotional struggles. As if I'm getting both sides to the story at once. They left themselves utterly vulnerable in this book. This stupid, nappy book that now, to me, is my most prized possession.
It seems as if it was written all at once, or rather in a span of a few days. With mom and dad going back and forth, trying to get everything in perfect chronological order. I know they forgot a few details, because there's markings on the edges, saying what happened on page C actually happened between paragraphs X and Y on page B. But both of them talk about their first meeting, events that led to it, events after it, with such emotion and passion that words couldn't convey when they finally shared their past with me. My mother, stating how she vehemently hated my father, and didn't want to admit that she was beginning to enjoy his presence and rely on him. My father, struggling with such discoveries as 'emotions' and not sure how to process or handle them. I never…I never knew dad couldn't feel at one point. I assumed his training forced him to be emotionless, not that he never felt them. That if any emotion shown in his training would be punishable by torture, or worse.
Dad…he talks a lot about his own past in the pages of his book. More than I've heard from him, or even Gob. He talks about the training, the torture, the compound beneath the Pentagon, now Citadel Ruins. He talks of the rigor and killings, of not knowing anything outside of this world as a trained and contracted killer. I know I'm like my father in many ways, but reading this I know I could never live up to him. Surely, I would have died at the first injury such people gave me. Dad, walked miles with cut heels. 'Switching' he called it. The way his words are so delicately written, and the emotions portrayed in them, I feel like he's beside me, telling me his story through his own voice. I can differentiate easily between the two handwritings. While dad's is neat, even, carefully designed, mom's is scratchy and messy, disorganized as if following her own internal thought process, rather than telling a story.
Snippets into their lives that they never shared with anyone are kept within this book. Talks and memories, of nights spent alone. Of the strange encounters they had together, and the things they would whisper late at night when the Wasteland was silent, and for all they knew, they were the only ones left alive. Mom's writing gets shaky when she writes about her time in the Pitt. As if her hand is stuttering. According to the journal, it was the first time she voluntarily left my father's side. Despite having been recently parted, mom writes she began to really come to terms with her emotions. Her feelings of love and care were harbored secretly inside, because while she was in such turmoil, she didn't know where my father stood. And, in her words 'I'd have rather had Charon in my life as my travelling companion, than return to travelling the Wasteland alone. It was a strange time for me, as it is for any young woman in the Capital Wasteland. Even stranger, because I had fallen so deeply and irreversibly in love with someone who couldn't even laugh'. But, I remember my father laughing heartily. I remember my father being cold, stern, sometimes menacing. Yet full of love, compassion, and genuine happiness. There wasn't a time, for me, where I ever would think the man I knew, and the man he was, were the same person. It's hard to believe, the man who would pick me up and spin me around as if I weighed nothing, at one time felt nothing for my mother.
Maybe, in a way, it brings it to a new light. Maybe now I understand my parents weren't godlike beings I have to live up to. That's just something that gets into the minds of others when they hear of their journeys and accomplishments. Truthfully, my parents are people. They're flawed, and they make mistakes. In many ways, my mother and I made similar mistakes. Recklessness, bad choices in men, impulse decisions that affected others. Decisions that we didn't know would impact anyone but ourselves at the time. It comforts me. It soothes me. As if this book fills the void I've been trying to stuff with work since getting back home. As if, knowing mom and dad were people, and not perfect, makes me feel better about hurting. About losing Cain.
Mom wrote that the Pitt was treacherous. That she couldn't even, at the time of writing this book, recall how she managed to survive. Though, she attributes it to my father. He said he'd be waiting in Underworld. It was where they met. It's gone now, though. She couldn't bear the thought of not returning, and thinking dad would wait forever. She also couldn't bear him risking his neck to get to the Pitt and try to find her. So she fought. She fought tooth and nail, and for a time, thought death was imminent. A kind woman nursed her back to health. Mom said she was a strong and gentle woman, and that one day she hoped she could have such an impact on someone as Midea had on her.
Clutching the book tightly, I wonder if mom knew. If she knew how much of an impact she had on me? While I've always been more like my father, and took to him as my 'favorite', a mother is something different entirely. Mom was the one I related to more as I grew. The one I sought compassion from. The one who I went to for trouble with my emotions, my pain, and comfort. Dad was my protector. It was him who would fight the nightmares, and mom who would soothe the crying. The pain in my chest grows, and despite how much I try to quiet it, it's unrelenting. If I could go back, I'd do everything differently. I'd tell mom every day how much I loved her. I'd beg dad to spend more time with me. To tell me stories of his past. For both of them to just sit with me. I can't see them as perfection any more, not after reading this. I can't, and that's amazing. Mom and dad, they were so horribly flawed and stunted people. But they grew. Together, they matured and grew and found that…sometimes it's alright to need someone. That you don't have to always be so strong, and so alone. That being strong doesn't mean going it alone, it means knowing when you're not able to go it alone. You need someone else to help with the burdens you carry inside.
I can't tell you how many times my parents had told one another they hated the other in this book. Both of them admitted in anger they'd yell, hit, and declare undying hate for each other. But, that undying hatred always died in the end. They were always together. Looking out the window at the sky, I wonder if Cain and I will come together again. Will this time apart prove to be beneficial, or is it over for us?
"Dizzy?"
From downstairs, I hear Jason's familiar voice. Shifting from my parent's old bed, I kick up some dust. I'm frozen in place, as the familiar scent of them hits me. It smells so fresh, so new, so…like them. Mom's distinct familiarity I've always associated with flowers after its rained, and the musky leather of dad's armor. A part of me feels like they're here with me. Like they've been sitting beside me, reading their book with me, despite having lived it.
"Diz are you home?"
Regaining myself, I decide that this isn't something I want to share with Jason. Not only would he not understand, but I'm cautious. Dad spoke of a man, Ahzrukhal, who enslaved him for decades in the Ninth Circle. It was a bar in Underworld. I'd…honestly never heard of a cruel ghoul before reading this book. I've never encountered one. Sure, Roy is a prick but he's not sheer evil like Ahzrukhal. It…makes me understand Cain's caution when I brought Jason home. Since ghouls have only ever been a positive impact in my life, I didn't think there's bad ones out there. It was very stupid of me to think. But, I'm sure mom made similar mistakes.
"Yeah! Yeah I'm upstairs!"
I place the book on my mother's nightstand, against the wall. My father slept closest to the door, wanting to be the first one out the door in case anything happened. But, that rarely happened here, if ever. Jason's footsteps echo in my empty house, the metal stairs clanking against his feet. When I open the bedroom door, I smile at his familiar glow.
"Sorry, I was…reading."
"Oh?"
"Yeah, a book Gob gave to me."
"What about?"
Jason stands at the top of the stairs, unsure if I'm inviting him into the room. I'm not. Instead I lead him into my old room.
"Oh, about…two people."
"A love story? I didn't know pre-war books were still legible."
"Yeah. I mean, kind of. It's definitely not a fairy tale, that's for sure."
"Is it from the vault?"
"Yeah, what's with all the questions?"
Jason shrugs and sits down on an old pre-war chair I have in the corner, whilst I sit on my bed.
"I just like things from pre-war. You know, my time."
Ah, right. Yes. I understand now.
"I was quite a scholar before the bombs fell. I liked to read a lot. What's the name? I probably read it."
"Nah, it was something they made in the vault. Mom brought it out with her."
A silence falls. It's awkward, as if he's caught me doing something I shouldn't be doing. Though, I can't imagine what that'd be. The hum of a radio outside in the rising sun reminds me that I've been so enthralled with mom and dad's book, I've forgotten to sleep. A silly thing to forget, if you ask me. The radio plays a stuttering, insecure and fearful voice. As if he's constantly shaking and nervous from being on the air. I know it's Diamond City Radio, and I remember my conversation with Zack. About Cain lying. About never making it to the Commonwealth. It hurts me. I don't know, if I'll ever know the truth.
"Hey, hey what's wrong?"
Jason's voice echoes, comforting, concerned. I look over at him, and take his outstretched hand. He sits beside me on my bed, his arms wrapped around in comfort and rubbing my back.
"Diz? Diz, what is it?"
My life runs through my mind like a bad movie. Like something out of a pre-war soap opera my father would complain about. I have so many regrets, and there's so many things I'd do differently. Deep down, I think I knew we weren't truly headed towards the Commonwealth. I think that…somewhere inside, I sensed something was up when Cain began to grow distant. But I was so tired, so excited and so…new to this world outside of the Wasteland that I didn't want to admit it. I didn't want to recognize the signs right in front of my face. Red flags blend in, when you're wearing rose-colored glasses.
"I'm just upset."
I state, wiping tears from my eyes and pulling away from Jason. It isn't that I don't appreciate his efforts, it's just…I want to be alone. I don't think right now, I should be involved with anyone. I mean sure, at the beginning it was nice and fresh but…after finding mom's book, solidifying my trek to the Commonwealth was a lie and having to deal with the reality of losing Cain…I think it's best for me to be alone right now. It also isn't fair to Jason that I string him along. Maybe, in the future when I'm better, there'll be a place for him in my heart. For this person I was so excited to meet. This person, who is like me, who I wanted so badly to be the one for me. Like my mother was to my father. But, right now, the only one for me, is me.
"Jason…we should take some time off."
"Time off?"
He doesn't hide the surprise in his voice as well as he wanted. I nod my head at him, and stand to pace around the room. Anything but sitting still.
"There's…there's a lot going on in my mind right now. I can't commit myself to you, in the ways that you want. I can't…focus on you in the way you deserve. You came to me, at a very strange and weird time in my life. Everything was changing. When I got back from the Citadel after leaving Cain behind, the comfort of someone else was really, really nice but…"
"But now it's coming to a head, and you need to be alone?"
"Yeah. Yeah, that's it exactly. And, it isn't fair to you that I drag you through this. I just need to focus on myself. I need…I need to find out some things about my life, my past and…who I truly am."
Jason stands, and he glows a bit brighter. For a moment I fear he's going to harm me, and I feel the radiation begin to bubble inside. I nearly smile at the image of two rather powerful glowing ones having a battle royal in the middle of Megaton. It'd almost be as if the bombs dropped once more. But Jason doesn't move, and his glow returns to normal.
"Is there someone else?"
I'm almost insulted. No, I am insulted. Is his main concern really that I've fancied myself with another person? Rather than I'm telling the truth, and for me this is a difficult time? I could have taken the coward's way out, and had Gob tell him to leave me alone, or Zack even, but I chose to do so on my own. Because I felt he deserved the truth from me. Doesn't everyone deserve honesty, though?
"Excuse me?"
"You heard me, is there someone else?"
At first I wanted to think he was just joking. A very awkward and misplaced joke. But he isn't.
"Of course not. Why would you think that?"
Genuinely I want to know. I'm not sure why, but I do.
"The other day I saw you and that mayor together. It looked intimate."
"Zack? You know Zack is married? You know it wasn't…that kind of intimate. It wasn't. Zack is a dear old friend, and we were having a fight. Or, really, a heated discussion."
"About Cain. I know. To me it sounded like a lovers quarrel."
Jason doesn't know. I take a deep breath in, and exhale slowly.
"…Zack and I weren't having a 'lovers quarrel'. He was worried about where Cain is. He was worried, because Cain is his friend, and Cain was…mine. He was, for a long time, my boyfriend."
I can see the information registering by the twitches on Jason's face. They go from shock, to knowing, to disbelief, and back to a strange mixture of them all. I never mentioned it before to Jason because I didn't want to, really. I should be able to choose what I do and do not mention and since I didn't think he'd get so serious with me, I didn't feel it was important. But referring to Cain as my 'boyfriend' bring a jolt of pain. Hearing the song outside, whatever it is about a woman crying about a man not loving her any more, makes the pain worse.
"You and Cain?"
"Yeah. Yeah for a long time. We…this is the first time in our lives we're apart. Sincerely, actually, apart. He won't come back. He won't return. And I can try to be as normal as I want, but knowing, for the first time in your life since you were born, that the last constant is gone, sincerely hurts. I've been doing my best to be normal. My best to be a person I want to be. But every day when I wake up, I still get angry at the world. Because how can the entire world go on when I can't?"
"Why didn't you tell me this sooner?"
"I wanted to forget it, I don't know, Jason. I don't have an answer for you."
I hear the song ask the audience if we know how it's the end of the world because her love has left her. I know it is. Believe me, I know.
"So you sting me along? You…make me believe you care?"
"I do care. I just can't love you. Not right now. I need to be alone, I need…to deal with this instead of running from it. This is the first time in my life I've been alone and I need to figure out how to do that or I'll always rely on the companionship of others."
"Just how long were you together?"
"I dunno. However old I am? I'm close to thirty. Maybe…twenty-eight years?"
"How old is Cain?"
"Five years older than me. Thirty-three."
"You've…you've been together your entire life? How is that possible?"
Do I have to go through this again?
"My mom and dad adopted Cain before I was born. We were raised together."
"Incest?"
"No, adopted. He's…Atom it's a long story. Look Jason, can you just go?"
Without more words or arguing, Jason leaves my room. I hear him slam the front door, and feel the weight lifted from my shoulders. Truthfully I didn't know such a weight was even there, but it seems it was. Inside, despite the light feeling I have, there's still turmoil and the fear of not knowing. The fear of loneliness, and the fear of the future.
In a pitiful attempt to get my mind off of everything, I venture out to the outskirts of Megaton. I can still hear Diamond City Radio in the distance from somewhere within Megaton. A friend to talk to would be nice. Someone to confide in, to listen to me and validate or give advice on what it is I'm feeling. I could go talk to Gob, but I feel like he just isn't the right person to talk to. That he'd just parent me, rather than truthfully listen. In this entire city, I feel like I'm all alone. But hope rises up eventually, when I see Jasper and Boone playing a few yards away from me. Really, Jasper stands there while Boone plays in the dirt.
"Jasper?"
I call out, and she looks over. She smiles, but even I know it's forced, and faked.
"Hey Diz, what's up?"
Everything. Everything is 'up'. My emotions are flopping about, the new information I processed about my mother and father, Jason, Cain and the Commonwealth. Where do I begin? Does she even want to listen to me?
"Did Zack ever speak to you, by the way?"
"Oh, yeah. Yeah he did and it uh, it was resolved."
"So, where's Cain?"
Sighing, I shake my head.
"No idea, honestly. We parted ways a while ago. Last I knew he was headed into the Citadel."
"He can't survive without you, can he?"
"I don't know Jasper. Look I already spoke about it with Zack."
"So, what do you need me for then?"
What's with her? I don't know why I sought her out, why I 'need' her, or anything. I think right now I just wanted a friend. Someone who wasn't Gob to speak with and maybe feel a bit normal after all I've been reading and processing. I don't know, honestly. I feel so alone.
"I just wanted to talk."
I tell her, running my fingers through my short hair and feeling the dirt beneath my bare feet. A cool breeze blows. It rained not too long ago, I can still smell it in the air. The sun is low in the sky, orange and pink hues tell me it's still early. For some reason, whenever my heart beats, it hurts. Jasper looks at me, one eye on Boone. Her face almost reads annoyance. Inside my stomach, my chest, a powerful and raw emotion begins to swell up. Tears stream down my face, clearing dust from freckles, and making me look foolish as I show no sadness. There are just tears, on this otherwise monotone face.
"I just wanted a friend, Jasper."
Her eyes soften, her annoyance fades. She steps forward, and wraps her arms around me. I feel comfort as I bury my head. Comfort my mom once gave me, comfort my father always ensured. It's the comfort and warmth of an old friend welcoming you once more. After a long absence, it's the relief of someone still being there, just as they were before. Her smell, her energy, everything overwhelms me and while I felt so alone before, so lost and transparent despite having both Gob and Zack, now with Jasper I don't feel so lonely. I think, deep inside, I needed to feel this way. I needed the gentle reminder that my friend was still here.
"I'm sorry, Diz. Talk to me, tell me what's wrong."
"Everything. Everything is wrong. It's all my fault, Jasp. It's all my fault."
And while my wails and cries of pain are softened by her rough clothing, they're still escaping. And with each breath I take and let more out, the lighter I feel. Between cries and gasps I tell her how much regret I have. How deeply I miss Cain, how I know he'll never return and how I don't know what's true anymore. But mostly, I tell her how much I miss my mom and dad. I tell her how much I wish dad was still here. How I'd give anything to be small again, and to have him lift me in his strong arms and throw me high into the air. What I wouldn't trade to see my mother smiling as dad and I fooled around in the setting sun like we used to. Him throwing me, me begging to go higher, and mom yelling that I'd touch the sun if I went further.
"It's my fault Cain is dead. It's my fault for everything."
Pulling from me, Jasper strokes my cheeks tenderly. I think her being a mom gave her a certain touch that only mom's have. The kind of touch I so desperately need right now.
"Nothing, nothing is your fault, Dizzy. Nothing could have prevented the choice Cain himself made. Nothing could have prevented the death of your parents. Nothing in this whole world you could have done would have made any difference on their choices. Everything that's happened to you has been a choice by someone else. You have no control over that."
She's right, but it doesn't make me feel any better.
"But it still hurts."
I say, nearly whining. I wonder where this weakness came from. Is it even weakness? Is it weak, to want the things we love back? No, I don't think it's weakness. I'm not sure what it is, but it isn't that.
"It will hurt. Change hurts. Life, it really fuckin' hurts, you know? It sucks and really there's nothing that's ever always happy. The only thing we have out here are snippets of happiness between pages of misery and we just have to learn how to handle it one sentence at a time. We have to, Diz."
"How?"
She holds my hand, and glances over at Boone, still blissfully playing in dirt and sand.
"By taking a break and looking around and realizing we're still here. And we've done a lot. And of all of us here in Megaton, it's you who's done the most. And that's how you deal with it, Dizzy. Give yourself credit for how much you've changed, and accept that sometimes, living alone is shitty and hard. Then when you can, remember why you like to smile, and smile."
Jasper and I stand in silence together. Our hands clasped in one another's, watching Boone, watching people. Slowly, the pulsing pain in my chest retreats to a dull ache.