Ends with a Horse, Parts 12b and 13a
Ip cooks General Tso Chicken, and Simon makes an announcement
Ip was in the kitchen…galley, he corrected himself. He still wasn't completely used to all the shipboard terminology, and tended to speak of front and back instead of forward and aft; left and right instead of port and starboard; and of course it had taken him aback the first few times he'd heard Zoe refer to the head instead of the bathroom. Restroom. Washroom. Lavatory. WC. Toilet. Facilities. Oh, hell, maybe head was easier to remember after all.
It was his cook day, and he was feeling creative. They were on their way to Bernadette, and thoughts of home brought memories of his mother's cooking to mind. お母さん Okāsan, despite her busy career as an entomology professor at Harcliffe University, loved to cook. Most of what she cooked reflected her Japanese heritage, but she had a few Chinese-style favorites, and that's what Ip had in mind this time.
General Tso Chicken. Well, okay, General Tso Chicken-style Protein. The key to making molded protein palatable, Ip found, was in the sauces and the style of preparation. He'd been warned about the abysmal quality of the food available aboard most spaceships before he embarked on his "sabbatical," so he'd packed some pantry essentials into his hand luggage: sesame oil, chili paste, dehydrated onions, garlic, ginger, lemon and orange zest, and one of his secret ingredients: Filipino-style banana ketchup.
Serenity was well-supplied with soy sauce, and cooking oil was also available. Ip found that if he got creative with the egg-style protein packets, he could make up for the deficiency of fresh eggs; and although wheat flour and cornstarch were in short supply, a little therapeutic time spent pounding and grinding with an old-fashioned mortar and pestle converted the cheap millet that formed Serenity's primary carbohydrate source into a palatable flour.
So he set about mixing egg-style protein, water, and millet flour into a batter and flavored it with sesame oil. Coating the chunks of chicken-style protein with batter and deep-frying them, then smothering them with spicy sauce, took care of the problem of blandness that too often afflicted a diet based on molded protein.
It wasn't long before the appetizing smells began drawing the crew toward the dining room. Jayne, as usual, was first and foremost.
"Mmm. Smells good. Whatcha cookin' there, Doc 'Noyman?"
"General Tso Chicken."
To Ip's astonishment, Jayne bolted from the dining room and down the hallway toward crew quarters. Before Ip could even open his mouth, Jayne had plunged down the ladder of his bunk and shut the hatch.
"Now what in the worlds was that all about?"
"Smells good, Ip," the Captain commented, entering the dining room in his turn. "What was what all about?"
"Jayne just bolted to his bunk and shut the hatch," Ip said, turning the pieces in the wok as they turned golden brown and crispy. Mal gave a shrug.
"That's good," Simon said, as he joined them. "Let's just hope he keeps it that way. Have you smelled the stench exuding from his quarters?"
"I live in the same corridor," Mal said drily.
"It's unsanitary," Simon continued. "He's never been a model of exemplary hygiene, but this is worse than ever. I think something's gone septic. Shouldn't you—"
Mal was quick to reply. "I won't have no truck with cleanin' Jayne's bunk. Man's gotta take care of it hisownself."
"He's been acting a bit off, if you ask me," Zoe inserted, joining the conversation. "Not just the awful 腐臭 fǔchòu smell. He's been playin' music all the time. I can hear it through the bulkhead." Her bunk was next to Jayne's, and everyone nodded in sympathy. "Same gorram music wave, over and over and over again."
"The Juggling Geese, isn't it?" Inara asked, nodding in sympathy. "That's his favorite band."
"It ain't bad music," Zoe continued. "It's just, he never shuts it off."
"Not even when he's sleeping?"
"Well, yes, for sleeping, but it's back on again before the crack of day-cycle, Captain."
"What's on at the crack of day-cycle?" Kaylee asked brightly, as she joined the others. "Smells real good Ip. Do ya need a hand?"
As Ip finished cooking the sauce, the others set the table. Inara, giving Ip a smile, carried the pot of jasmine tea to the table and began to pour.
"Jayne's music. All the time."
"Nothin' wrong with my music," Jayne called as he re-entered the dining room. "It's The Juggling Geese, and they're the shiniest band this side of Boros. The drummer and the lead singer are—"
"Kung Pao Chicken or General Tso Chicken?" River asked of the room in general, giving Jayne a hard stare as she drifted up to the table and took a seat.
"General Tso Chicken tonight," Ip informed her. "But if you like, I'll make Kung Pao Chicken next time."
"Witch," Jayne muttered under his breath, as he sat down at the table.
"Yeah, but she's our witch," Mal responded. "Pass the chicken, Jayne."
. . .
Simon chose a relatively quiet moment towards the end of the meal, and called for everybody's attention. He wasn't completely comfortable with everyone staring at him in silence, even though he'd brought about the situation on purpose. It made him slightly nervous, and he reverted to the stylized speech formulas he had been taught in his public speaking class on Osiris. "I thought I'd take this opportunity, considering that everyone is gathered here…" Simon began, in a manner suitable for making a formal announcement.
"Pompous ass," Jayne muttered under his breath. "Doc, I know you an' I reached a kind of an imp-ass, de-taunt, whaddaya-call-'em here, but can you just—"
"Détente," Simon corrected, unable to help himself. "Impasse."
"Gorram pompous ass." Jayne kept up a steady stream of antagonistic and incomprehensible grumbling. He still couldn't stand it when the pompous ass stood on his hind legs and pontiffilated—pontuffocated—talked.
"諸君 Zhūjūn," Simon declaimed formally, continuing his prepared speech. He paused to glare at Jayne again and added, "and the rest of you—"
"喂 Wèi!" Jayne objected. "Just what do you mean by—"
"Let the man speak his piece," Mal commanded, although he inwardly wished Simon would skip the preliminaries and just cut to the chase.
Simon cleared his throat and continued. "Kaylee and I have an announcement to make. We—"
"We're gonna get married!" Kaylee exclaimed, unable to contain herself. She held out her hand and displayed her ring, a bright smile on her face.
Half the crew immediately started congratulating the happy couple, while half of them looked at Mal, waiting for him to raise the inevitable objection. "Congratulations, Simon," Mal said, defying all expectation. "妹妹 Mèimei, you'll be a happy woman."
Simon and Kaylee accepted handshakes and hugs from the more demonstrative members of the crew. Then things began to settle down a little. Simon exchanged a series of looks with Kaylee, and spoke again. "And, we might as well also inform you—"
"We're gonna have a baby!" Kaylee interrupted again.
"Well, that was fast," Jayne remarked.
But everyone else was silent, watching Mal for the inevitable explosion. It didn't come. Instead, he raised his mug. "To the happy couple," he toasted, and took a swig of his coffee.
Everyone remained silent and edgy. Mal still wasn't exploding, and they were unable to read his body language. Even Zoe wasn't sure what he was thinking. "Got work to be done, people," the Captain said, and he pushed his chair back, stood up, and carried his coffee mug off to the bridge.
"You two are in deep 狗屎 gǒushǐ," Jayne remarked. "Cap's gonna explode. He'd throw you out the airlock now, if he didn't need a mechanic and a medic so bad. You watch, he'll find a reason to throw you off the ship at the next stop."
. . .
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glossary
お母さん Okāsan [Mom (Japanese)]
腐臭 fǔchòu [rotten, putrid]
諸君 Zhūjūn [Ladies and gentlemen]
喂 Wèi [Hello! Hey]
妹妹 Mèimei [Little sister]
狗屎 gǒushǐ [shit]
Did I fool anyone with my teaser line? Did you really think I'd let Ip cook Jayne's chicken? And what about Mal's non-explosion? What's going on?