Author's Note: Well, I am certainly, and a little ironically, feeling the love after that last chapter. Thank you to N7xer00, hunniCAKE, Jules Hawk, Vorcha Girl, gogogeisha, and Elissa Theirin for your comments. I don't write for reviews, but it is definitely encouraging to hear that you are enjoying it so far. I hope you continue to enjoy, and would love to hear what you think. Enjoy. - TLC
Chapter Twenty-Six
It had been three days since they left Virmire. They were heading to the Citadel in order to check in with the Council regarding the information they had received from Sovereign and Saren. Kaidan was working diligently with Tali and Liara on the data they had pilfered from the base on Virmire. They hadn't found anything exciting, just more specs on the geth. Kaidan had to admit, with everything that had happened it was nice to be able to hide in the code as he worked the decryption.
Kaidan hadn't spoken with Shepard outside of mission related topics since the argument after Virmire. He was still stationed outside her cabin and every time she walked passed, the scent that trailed after her teased him and twisted his core. He told himself it was better this way and he focused on being the type of soldier he had always been: One who would never dream of breaking regulations. It made it easier to get through each day as he focused on his work more and his CO's smile less. If anyone had noticed a change in him, they didn't say anything.
At night, he missed her.
It was at night on the ship that they had spent their time together. After the rest of the ship was sleeping, and both of their work was done for the day. In the mess or at his station, just sitting and talking longer than they should have. Now, there was nothing left to distract him as he lay in his sleeper pod and thought back on their argument wondering what he could have said or done differently. He'd curse himself, and force himself to think of anything else. Eventually, he would fall asleep but his rest was plagued with dreams of Ashley and what her last moments would have been like or of Shepard and what could have been. He couldn't decide which was worse. Needless to say, he was tired most days.
Each day started with him checking his messages, waiting for the notice of his reassignment. It would be warranted. He'd received another message from his mother. He thought of the look on Mrs. Williams face while she spoke to Shepard. The anguish that had reflected in her eyes as they filled with tears and in the tremble of her chin. It had been four months since she had seen Ashley, and now she'd never see her again. She'd never hold her, or see her promoted, or married. It had been even longer since he had seen his parents. He replied to his mom and promised to come home for a visit after the mission.
He was at his station early in the day cycle reviewing some of the information he had decrypted the day before when he received the message from Shepard. She wanted everyone in the comm room. He locked his station and headed towards the stairs. Part of him hoped he'd get there first and have a moment alone with her, though he didn't know what he would do if he did. The other part of him hoped he was the last to arrive, afraid of what she might say to him. He took a deep breath before he entered the comm room and found Shepard alone. He cleared his throat and saluted, "Commander," He greeted, his voice hoarse. She returned the salute and nodded towards his seat without speaking to him. He stifled a sigh as Liara entered, followed shortly after by Wrex, Garrus, and Tali. Ashley's seat next to him remained empty.
"I received a message from Admiral Hackett of the Alliance," Kaidan's eyes moved to Shepard as she spoke. If you asked anyone else, they would tell you she looked fine. Kaidan knew better. Her eyes were glassy and there was a hint of the circles on the thin skin beneath them that couldn't be hidden by her make-up and betrayed her exhaustion. She looked almost as tired as he felt. "The VI at the Alliance training base on Earth's moon has gone rogue, and he asked us to fight passed it and take it out," Kaidan shifted in his seat. He was anxious to get back out in the field and shoot something. Hopefully, if he expelled some energy he would be able to sleep better. "We'll be landing at Luna Base in approximately six hours," She informed them. "Vakarian and Wrex, meet me at the Mako then, suited up and ready to go," She ordered and Kaidan felt like the rug had been pulled out from under him.
She turned her eyes to him, almost daring him to say something. He hated the hard look she gave him now. He bit his tongue, and she stared at him for a moment longer, as the tension in the room increased tenfold. She nodded then, and dismissed the room and Kaidan went immediately to his station. This was the first mission she wasn't taking him groundside for, and it was an Alliance facility. He was frustrated, but knew this was part of her punishment for the scene earlier this week. He sighed and went back to work at his console.
He didn't realize how much time had gone by, six hours had passed quite quickly. He locked his station and went down to the cargo bay to see them off. The elevator opened and he stayed toward the back of the room, away from the Mako, as he watched them get ready to go. Shepard, Wrex, and Garrus were standing near the vehicle going over the plan for the mission. He watched as Wrex climbed in and took the spot at the guns. This meant Garrus would be navigating. Shepard and Garrus were still talking and he caught Garrus's eye for an instant. He couldn't help it, he pulled himself away from the wall and walked over to the Mako.
Garrus watched him approach, but kept his face neutral. He moved behind Shepard and his hands went to the closures at her waist. She jumped and turned to face him. Her burning gaze met his, and he nearly flinched, but restrained himself. He just stood steadily under her scrutiny and he watched as her eyes softened. Without taking her eyes off him, she turned her back to him. After a pained moment, she looked forward into the Mako and lifted her arms slightly. He checked the closures, but kept his fingers away from the exposed skin at the back of her neck, remaining strictly professional. Once he was sure everything was secure, he tapped her shoulder guard and without a word she climbed into the vehicle to secure herself in the driver's seat.
"I've got her six, Alenko," Garrus promised, and Kaidan nodded taking a step backwards. He stood with his arms folded across his midsection as the bay doors opened, and the Mako was dropped to the moon's surface. Once they were gone, the silence was deafening. He didn't know if he would be able to focus on anything while she was gone. He went to his station and logged back in. Immediately, he accessed his medic programs and pulled up his connection to their hardsuit monitors. He couldn't be with them, but he could still make sure they were – she was – okay.
The hours ticked by and Kaidan's attention was on her monitor more than it was on his work. Eventually, he logged off his station and went to the cockpit. Joker looked up at him as he fell into the co-pilot's chair and logged on. Immediately opening the medic screen again. No changes. He looked over to Joker, who nodded as if he knew what was on Kaidan's mind. Perhaps he did. Kaidan turned his attention out to the fantastic view of the Earth before them, "It really is a beautiful planet," He commented absently, and Joker nodded. Kaidan suddenly felt nostalgic as he looked to the place where he'd been born.
"It's alright. You don't always get to see the planets the way I do. There are some pretty amazing views out here," Joker added, as he monitored the systems that allowed them to hover over the moon.
"Well, yeah," Kaidan paused as he stared at Earth, "but that's home," Kaidan said, surprised by the wistful tone of his voice.
"Maybe for you," Joker replied and Kaidan looked to him, "I'm from Tiptree, didn't set foot on Earth til I joined up," He admitted, and Kaidan's response was cut off by the flashing red light on his medic program. His heart dropped to his stomach when he looked and saw that it was Shepard's hardsuit that had been hit. There was damage to the helmet that stretched down the right side of her torso. "Shit," Joker stated and Kaidan was up before anything else could be said. His system just told him where the injuries were, and usually it could read vitals but not at this distance. He ran down the stairs and met Chakwas at the elevator with the gurney.
Once the elevator door closed, Chakwas spoke. Her voice was calm, but it was trained to be, "She's alive but unconscious. There appears to be a puncture wound to her chest. The exact area was unclear. I do not believe it is a GSW, but it's hard to tell from the readings." Kaidan felt the blood rush from his face as he nodded.
They waited in the bay for the Mako to return. Minutes felt like hours, but eventually the alarms went off that the bay doors would be opening and the Mako pulled up. The door was thrown open before it stopped rolling into place and Chakwas and Kaidan were at the door that instant to take Shepard's still form from Garrus. Kaidan laid her out on the gurney and Chakwas opened her omni-tool to run a scan over her form as Kaidan took in the damage to her armor. There was a significant crack to her helmet, and when he looked through the visor her face was pale and there was a trail of blood from the side of her head and down her cheek. He swallowed hard as he started to push the gurney to the elevator. He took in the rest of the damage, the right side of her chest plate was scraped and cracked, and there was a hole in plating just under her right breast. He turned to Garrus who was hot on his heels, carrying his own helmet, "What the hell happened down there?"
Passed Garrus he saw Wrex throwing his armor off and to the floor of the bay. Nearly ready to charge the hull as Joker pulled away from the moon and headed towards Arcturus, per standard protocols. "There were three bases that needed to be cleared out, the first two were no problem, but it seemed like it knew we were there to kill it. The third base… there were too many drones. According to the Commander, they were Advanced Rocket Drones," Kaidan cursed as he locked eyes with Chakwas and the elevator doors opened. He helped push the gurney to the med-bay. "There were too many, I couldn't hack them fast enough and Wrex and Shepard's biotics were nearly useless against them. One of the drones shot a rocket at me and she pushed me out of the way. It didn't hit her, not directly, but the blast sent her flying. There was some kind of pipe or something that was protruding from the wall, and she'd been impaled. We know it was better not to remove it but we had to," Garrus answered as Kaidan looked to Chakwas.
"Okay, thank you for the report, Garrus. Now, I need to work. I'll get you an update as soon as I have one. Right now, you're in my way," Chakwas said her voice firm and void of any emotion. Garrus nodded and left the bay. "Kaidan, once you help me with her armor that goes for you, too." Chakwas ordered and Kaidan looked to her and thought about arguing, but he knew better. Chakwas was competent and if she said he would be in the way, he would be. So, he nodded and started by removing her helmet.
He hissed when he saw the gash in the side of her head. He wasn't certain, but he thought he saw bone just over her ear. He swallowed hard and drew from his medic training as he continued, blocking out the frantic beating of his heart at the lack of color to her skin. Her eyes were almost closed, but not quite, he could make out the whites of her eyes between the lines of her long lashes. He moved to her shoulder guards and removed them and her gauntlets and gloves on her left side as Chakwas removed the right. It didn't appear any of the bones in her arms were broken and Kaidan assisted her in unhooking her chest plate. They pulled it away cautiously and once it was removed, Chakwas unzipped her underarmor and her attention went to the wound on her chest as Kaidan continued with her greaves and boots.
Once the armor was removed he pulled off the underarmor, ignoring the pale flesh exposed as he did. Once it was off, he pulled one of the scratchy gowns Chakwas had in stock at the back of the room and draped it over her. Then he stepped back and looked at her. She seemed so small, and broken. He chewed the inside of his cheek as his heart raced. He forced himself to swallow the bile rising in his throat. Chakwas looked up to him for a moment. "Thank you, Kaidan. Please blur the windows for me on your way out," She reminded him he had to leave and he nodded. He flipped the switch at the door and the windows went opaque offering her and the Commander some privacy. The door closed behind him and he looked down to his hands. They were shaking and it took him a moment to realize the red that coated them was her blood.
He went to the men's room to wash his hands. As he watched her blood the drain, he realized their last real conversation was their argument. She simply had to be okay, she couldn't not be. Not when the last things they'd said to each other were so angry. He didn't have the chance to make it right. He felt the vomit at the back of his throat again. He glanced at himself and turned, his body heaved and he emptied the contents of his stomach into the toilet. Once the gagging stopped, he flushed and turned to splash water on his face and rinse out his mouth. He barely recognized the man in the mirror. He sighed, and left the bathroom to go back to his station. He had an unobstructed view of the med-bay from here, and would know immediately when Chakwas was ready to update them.
He watched the codes scrolling on the screen in front of him, but they were just numbers and colors. He couldn't focus on anything. He couldn't get the image of Shepard, lifeless, on the gurney out of his mind. It felt like hours passed, though it was less than two, and it wasn't until he felt the rumble in his stomach that he realized he'd missed dinner. We went to the mess, and the Mess Sergeant was still there. He fixed a plate for Kaidan, and Kaidan offered him a somber thank you before he took the tray to the table. He ate, because he had to, not because he could taste the food.
As he emptied his tray, the table slowly filled. Liara floated over and sat near him, crossing her legs and arms and looking to the table. Kaidan barely acknowledged her presence. Tali came next, joining Liara on her side of the table. Wrex was next, loudly falling into the seat beside him. He had the absent thought that he was still surprised the chair would support the Krogan's weight. Last to join was Garrus who seemed oddly guilty as he sat at Kaidan's opposite side. "I just gave my report to Pressly," Garrus started and paused. His voice sounded far away, "It all happened so fast," Garrus said, and Kaidan clapped him on his large shoulder, as a show of support.
"Dr. Chakwas is the best," Kaidan stated simply, and a silence fell on the table as they waited for word on their Commander; their friend. Try as he might, he couldn't stop their last conversation from playing over and over in his mind. It was torture to remember the way her eyes had burned at him. After another forty minutes of dense silence they heard footsteps hurrying down the stairs. XO Pressly rushed passed them to the med-bay. Kaidan leaned forward and rested his arms on his knees as they waited for Pressly to come back out of the bay. It took forever but, eventually, both Chakwas and Pressly exited. Pressly placed his hand on the doctor's shoulder briefly, and turned to go back up to the CIC. Dr. Chakwas rubbed her hands over her face and looked to the mess. She seemed surprised at the group that had assembled there, and she made her way over to the table.
They looked to her expectantly. Kaidan couldn't help but notice that she seemed weary, and she let out a deep sigh. She lifted her eyes and found Kaidan's. "Commander Shepard is going to be fine," Kaidan was surprised by the immense weight that lifted from his shoulders as he let out a breath he didn't know he was holding. The rest of the group grinned, and exhaled as well. "She suffered a concussion from the head injury, and her lung was nicked by the pipe. She also lost quite a bit of blood. She will be tired, and sore, so most likely very grumpy, but she will be fine," Dr. Chakwas reported to the relieved group and held Kaidan's eyes. "Lieutenant Alenko, may I speak with you for a moment, please?" She asked and Kaidan stood and walked with her to the med-bay doors.
"Ma'am?" He asked as he stood with his hands clasped behind his back. Her eyes were bright, but tired and when she let out a sigh, her shoulders sagged.
"I am quite fatigued and would like some time to rest and freshen up," She stated, and he nodded. She'd earned it. He thought he noticed a spark of mischief in her eyes as she continued, "I was hoping I could impose on you to monitor the Commander's vitals while I am away from the Med-Bay," She continued, and he was certain that the corner of her mouth quirked up in a smile. "You have medic training and would be able to assist with any immediate care, if needed. I understand it may be a nuisance, but it would be a great service to me," She finished her request, looking up at him with feigned innocence in her eyes.
"It would be no imposition," Kaidan said, nodding his head slightly. "You definitely deserve a break." He answered her and she nodded and led him back into the Bay. Immediately, his eyes went to Shepard. Some of the color had returned to her cheeks, and her eyes were fully closed now as she rested. She was lying back, but the head of the bed was slightly elevated. He noticed the bandage over the gash above her ear. He realized the Doctor had refrained from shaving as much as she could. Shepard wasn't a vain woman, but he had a feeling she would appreciate that. She was in one of the scratchy hospital gowns, but she still looked comfortable as she slept.
"Like I said before, she had a concussion but her brain waves are normal. The pipe did nick her lung, but she was lucky," Chakwas moved closer to the bed, and adjusted the blanket around her, tucking her in. Kaidan felt a rush of affection for the Doctor, and he couldn't help the small smile that tugged at his lips. "It didn't actually puncture her lung, so she suffered no pneumothorax. I expect her to wake sometime within the evening, though I can't pinpoint exactly when. I did give her sedatives and pain medication so when she does wake she may be slightly out of it," The doctor paused and checked the monitors and Kaidan noticed her damaged, bloody armor in the corner of the room. "Unfortunately, because of the severity of the laceration on her scalp, I was forced to use stitches instead of the surgical grade medi-gel," She said, turning her attention back to Shepard and ran a gentle finger over the bandage. Then she pressed her hand to Shepard's forehead, and let it fall against her cheek.
"You are an amazing Doctor, and we are lucky to have you with us," Kaidan said as the warmth spread through him at the way she cared for everyone on the ship.
"Well," She sniffed, and turned her head away from Kaidan for a moment, her hand going to her face. "I couldn't bare the thought of losing another so soon." He reached out and placed a hand on her shoulder, and she lifted hers to squeeze his fingers. "I appreciate you saying that, however, and you sitting with my patient." He said again it was not a problem. "Now, if you don't mind, I'll take my leave. I think a warm shower is warranted," She said as she gestured to her clothes, spotted with blood and other fluids. Kaidan nodded, and watched as she went.
The sudden silence of the room was stunning, and broken only by the steady beeping of the machines next to her bed. He watched her heartbeat on the monitor. He looked to her face and watched her eyes flicker behind her lids. He wondered what she was dreaming of. Her chest was rising and falling steadily, but he focused on the sound of the monitor beeping with her heartbeat; steady and regular. It was his favorite rhythm.
Though he hated the circumstances, and that he needed a reason, he was glad he had been given the opportunity to sit near her when she wasn't shooting daggers at him. Garrus had said he hadn't been able to hack the drones fast enough. Shepard was used to working with two teammates with advanced technical skills. He couldn't help but feel like, if he had been there, she wouldn't have been injured. There was no reason to dwell on that. There was no going back and changing anything. Though, this was the second time this week he'd felt responsible for the negative outcome of a mission.
He sat in silence and let the sounds of her breathing relax him. He leaned back and closed his eyes. He wasn't sure how much time passed. He may have dosed off, but he jumped and opened his eyes when he heard a small moan slip from her lips. He sat forward and moved his seat closer to her bed. Her eyes opened slowly and looked glazed over, most likely from the pain medication. He watched the confusion play on her features for a moment as she tried to shift in the bed. "Don't move," He whispered and she glared at him.
"I'll do what I want," She snapped back, and he had a flash the stubborn sixteen year old girl Anderson would have faced after Mindoir.
"Will you let me help you?" He asked her and moved to stand but waited for her answer. She surrendered her attempted to move and laid back on the pillow with a sigh as she let her eyes close. "Do you want some water?" He asked her and she nodded slightly. He stood and found an empty cup and a pitcher near her cot. He filled the cup and held it in front of her lips. She kept her eyes closed, so he watched as her tongue snuck out to find the tip of the straw and guide it into her mouth. Once she finished, and released the straw, he placed the cup back on the table and moved his chair even closer to her bed.
"What happened?" She croaked out and opened her eyes again. He asked what she remembered. "The last thing I remember is…" She paused, looking up to the ceiling, and her brow creased as she thought back, "Getting to the third base on the moon," She turned her eyes to him and he could see the fear in them. He'd missed that openness and though he was sure it was from the drugs, he was glad it was back. He filled her in on what Garrus had told him, and watched as she blanched. She lifted her hand and found the bandage on her head, then her hand went to her midsection to find the bandage there. "Are Garrus and Wrex okay?" He told her they were fine, and watched as the weight of the world lifted from her face. "Did they complete the mission?" She asked him and he nodded.
"How do you feel?" He asked her, and she shifted again and assessed her pain levels.
"Sore, and grateful. Why are you here?" She asked him, and he wasn't sure if it was annoyance or curiosity in her tone, and he felt his heart race. He hoped she wouldn't ask him to leave.
"Dr. Chakwas worked on you for quite awhile. She asked me to sit with you while she rested," He answered and she nodded and closed her eyes. He cleared his throat softly and moved to stand as he said, "If you want I can go get-" He stopped when her hand reached out and took his forearm. She just shook her head.
"No, will you stay?" She asked him, her voice was small and his heart swelled when she touched him.
"Always," He answered and she opened her eyes and met his. He sat back down, and she removed her hand from his arm and closed her eyes again. Once her cool touch was missing, his arm burned with the lack of it. He sighed. "Listen, Shepard, I'm sorry for questioning you," He whispered and she opened her eyes and met his again. The heat he found in them was no longer angry, there was something else just as unstable that lingered behind her eyes.
"In truth, I may have slightly over-reacted during the meeting," She admitted and his brow creased as he watched her. She tried to shift again, to sit up higher, and couldn't. He stood and gingerly wrapped his hands around her ribs. Her eyes shot to his face and her breath stuck in her throat at the contact. He felt the tingle of her biotics in his hands, and realized how much he had missed that sensation. She supported herself on the cot and he lifted her slightly so she could scoot backwards easier. "Thanks," She said as she laid her head back against the pillow. He sat back down, leaning forward and rested his forearms on the edge of her cot with his hands folded together. He hoped she would explain herself without him asking her. There was silence for a moment before she continued. "When it came down to making the call on Virmire, I was so angry with you for arming the nuke without my order," He looked to her sheets. "I knew I had to make the choice, and in that moment, I knew I was making the right one when I had Joker go to the bomb site. There was no doubt in my mind. As much as it killed me to leave Ashley, part of me really thought I could get to both of you. I mean, I'm Commander Shepard, I do the impossible," She chuckled humorlessly and shook her head. "Then Saren showed up, and I really don't know why I kept talking to him… Regardless, when I got to the bomb site, and we secured the bomb and made sure nothing would stop it from detonating, I knew I had done the right thing," She said, and he nodded. She had already explained herself, she didn't have to go over it again.
"Then, when you walked into the comm room, and I saw you up and walking and okay… the relief I felt that you were here, alive, and okay, it scared me. I doubted myself. Had I let my feelings cloud my professional judgment? In that moment, I hoped you would look at me and reassure me, and what I got was the same doubt I felt so I lashed out. I wasn't entirely angry with you, I was angry with myself. I mean, I was angry that you had brought it up in front of everyone, but it wasn't until I had to explain my decision as Commander Shepard that I knew for certain that I had made the right decision. A decision I could live with," She explained, and he felt his heart in his throat.
"I was an idiot, Shepard, I know you. I never should have questioned you," He said with a gentle shake of his head and heard the soft chuckle slip from her.
"No, you shouldn't have," She agreed, "Especially not in the comm room." He laughed softly and he could hear the smile in her voice when she added, "What a pair we make, huh?" He agreed quietly. The silence lingered as he stared at his hands. He could feel her eyes on him, but he was afraid to look at her, afraid of what he would see when he did. "I was glad to see you when I woke up," She admitted in a whisper, her cheeks coloring when he finally turned his eyes to hers.
"You can thank Dr. Chakwas for that," He answered then his voice dropped down to a conspiratorial whisper and he leaned closer to her, "I think she's on to us."
She cleared her throat and whispered in response, "Is there something to be on to?" Her eyes were locked with his and his heart was pounding against his ribs. His eyes bounced from hers to her lips as that pleasant heat returned to their interaction. He felt it spread across his chest and down his spine. He'd missed it.
"Well, Sloan…" He whispered her name and paused to gauge her reaction. When she smiled instead of reprimanding him, he continued, "That's up to you." She didn't say anything, but her hand reached out and took his, separating it from his other hand as she tangled their fingers. She didn't say anything. She didn't have to. She just closed her eyes and laid her head back against the pillow. He moved his chair closer to the cot and leaned against it. His elbow was resting on the bed, and he held his head up with his free hand as he watched her fall asleep.
He knew she had fallen back to sleep when her breathing deepened, and her hand went slack in his. He heard the door open behind him, and the soft padding of Dr. Chakwas's feet on the floor. He slowly pulled his hand from hers, so he wouldn't disturb her, and sat back in the chair. He felt the heat of embarrassment in the burning tips of his ears and he was reminded of a time his father caught him on the porch with a girl well passed curfew.
"How's our patient?" Chakwas asked, and Kaidan looked up to her and let her know she had woken and fallen back to sleep. She nodded. "Well, I definitely appreciate your assistance, Lt. Alenko."
"Anytime, Doctor," He offered as he stood. She walked him to the door of the med-bay. He looked over his shoulder one more time at the sleeping Commander before turning and facing the Doctor. "Good night," He offered her.
"Sweet dreams, Lieutenant," She answered and he chuckled as he made his way to his sleeper pod. As he settled himself, for the first time since Virmire, he could feel himself relaxing and knew sleep would hit him soon. He let his mind wander over the possibilities for shore leave. Thoughts he had forbidden himself for the last few nights. Then, just as he was drifting off, he remembered he had already promised his mom he'd visit home. Shit.