PLEASE read this A/N if you don't mind, I talk about a lot of cool things you may want to know.
First off, I love all my readers. You're all amazing for all the recommending you've been doing to your friends and all the beautiful reviews you've left me! Wow. I'm always excited to hear what you all think!
I also want to thank Spunk Ransom for doing a post about this fic and recommending it to people! : ) Go to my ff page to get a link to their post!
Cool Name who reviewed chapter 12 with some songs, I love them! There was only one that I hadn't heard of and I went and listen to it immediately. Thanks for sending those to me though! Definitely do it again if you come across any! I want to put them in the final It's All On You Soundtrack.
Michelle, who recommended the lyrics to Little Bit by Lykke Li and I found them to be so perfect! I fell in love with them and ended up making a couple edits for IAOY with them! Thank you, I'm going to be adding that song to the final soundtrack as well.
Anyone else, do you have a song that reminds you of this story, Mallory, Tyler, their situations? Or just one that you love to watch while you read? Let me know please! I took out the soundtrack chapter so that I could put a new and improved one in later on!
If anyone is looking to translate this story please private message me I'm honored that you want to translate it I just have a few requests before you do! Right now it is in Spanish, German and will be in French soon!
Well now that you all probably skipped that to read the fic anyways here you are, it's pretty intense.
MALLORY
I open my eyes to the sun pouring into my bedroom. I'm covered in blankets and I can feel Tyler laying beside me, our legs touching. I just want to spend as much time with him today as I can. I need to make sure this day lasts. I can feel the panic start to rise in my chest.
I don't want three pm to come. I don't want to go.
I start taking deep breaths to calm myself down, its not working.
I roll over and throw my arm over him, pulling myself as close as I can get.
I knew he was sleeping, I could feel his breathing deep, his soft snoring.
"I care about you so much." I whispered into his bare chest, my lips barely grazing him. Even if he was awake he wouldn't be able to hear what I was saying, I was quiet. " I always thought I'd be able to walk away, to leave you whenever I needed to."
"I don't think I can anymore." I kissed his chest. "And I really hate myself for that. I don't want to hurt you."
"I'm really starting to fucking hate myself for all the lying I've done to you. No, I really do hate myself. You don't deserve this, you deserve better."
I rested my head of his chest and just consumed myself in my thoughts. "I wish I could tell you all of this without being such a fucking pussy about it but, I can't." I said to myself more than him, still keeping my voice at a level that only I could hear. It felt good to say it out loud even if he couldn't hear me or respond. It was the first time I had really voiced my opinions and thoughts out loud..ever. I don't do that. I don't like to have others know what goes on in my head.
This felt oddly freeing. Maybe I could just come clean?
No. It was too dangerous and risky. I can't.
I close my mouth and my eyes and just lay there.
I decide that I need to live in the moment. I basically need to pep talk myself through this day and just get it over with. I cant keep thinking that I need to let Tyler go.
No one is going to get hurt, everything is going to be perfectly fine. I will just figure out a way for this all to work out, I'll go do the deal and then leave. I'll maybe get the money that Max owed me but if not that's okay too. I need to not be focused on the money.
I need to be focused on the fact that I need to get out of this. I need to keep myself away from situations like it because I need to be safe. I need to not be an idiot about this shit. I need to just get the fuck away from anything to do with Max.
I need to be happy again.
I know that Tyler makes me happy.
I want to make him happy.
I look up at his sleeping face and go over every line and curve with my eyes. He has a perfect jawline that I just want to kiss and suck on. So I do. I start kissing from his chin up to his ears. At his ears I start nibbling on them every so slightly.
I want him to wake up to me. This seems like the best way.
I moved myself so that I was straddling him, right in his lap. I did it so carefully that my weight barely registered on him, he was still asleep. I leaned down and kissed him directly on the lips before taking his bottom lip into my mouth and sucking softly.
I heard his breathing change so I change back to kissing softly, lightly. I feel him come out of sleep but instead of pushing me away I felt his arms come up around me and grab on to my hips. I backed my face away a few inches to look at him and I saw that his eyes were open and still sleepy.
"What are you doing?" He whispered.
"Waking you up."
"Ah, please wake me up like this more often." He said and I bent down and kissed him harder than before. Our lips were pushing together with open mouth kisses. It was passionate and teasing as we kissed, my hands were up on his chest, his were on my hips.
"You're amazing." He whispered against my lips. "You're so damn beautiful."
"Thank you." I mumbled back, unsure of what exactly I was supposed to say. Confessing my thoughts to a sleeping Tyler was completely different than when he was awake. I didn't know how I felt about it when he would tell me what he thought about me, about us. It fucking freaked me out to be honest. I knew there was things we should talk about but I thought we should just leave them unsaid, at least for now. Until I can get a better grasp on what exactly we have together.
He started trailing kisses down my neck as I turned away to breathe.
"Can we just lay in bed today?" He looked up at me.
"Yes, please." He went back to kissing me immediately.
"Good. I just want to kiss you all over." I half moaned a response back to him in agreement.
"If I tell you something will you promise to not freak out?" He mumbled against my skin.
"Yes." I answered without hesitation. I think I was on a high from the kissing he was doing because when I thought about his question I started to freak out. I wanted to know, even if I was kind of scared about what he would say. What would he want to say? He needed me to promise not to freak out? Why would he think that I was going to freak out?
"Promise?" He pulled away from my neck and I put my arms on either side of his head, hovering inches away from his face. Now I'm starting to freak the fuck out, he's so into this. He really thinks I'm going to freak out.
"Yes, I promise." I whispered, I was scared now. I had just been thinking and well, saying, a lot of thoughts about how I feel about him. He hadn't heard them though, he was sleeping. What could he want to say to me?
"I'm serious." I know that he was.
"So am I." Curiosity fucking killed the cat.
"You don't have a good track record for this though."
"For what?"
"Listening when I talk, not running away when I talk. We basically have a horrible problem where whenever we want to talk, something bad will happen." It was true, most of the time it was my fault. I would leave.
My mind instantly went to the fact that at three I would be leaving once again.
No, I cant think like that now.
"I-I know. I just, I never know what to do."
"Well I'm telling you to stay right here with me." He pushed down on my hips with his hands, securing me into place on him. "Please."
"Okay." I said more hesitantly this time. I didn't know what he wanted to say, did he already know about what I've been doing? Would he yell at me? Would he not care?
"I'm not going to hurt you. I just want to talk to you, I want to tell you things. I want to show you in a way that isn't sex how I feel about you."
"Okay." I couldn't think of another word to say.
"You know I care about you." It wasn't a question. I nodded.
"Good." He paused and moved us so that he had his back against the headboard and I was still sitting in his lap.
"Since the day that I met you I've been almost, you could say..obsessed with you." He paused watching my reaction. Obsessed? Lots of me at the club we're obsessed with me. I tried not to give him any signs of my thoughts, I wanted to know where he was going with this. " I know that sounds so fucked up but its true. You mesmerized me. Those eyes of yours..they pulled me in and I couldn't resist you. As much as I wish we hadn't met the way we did, I'm okay with it now. I hate to think that you only hanging out with me for the money but I suppose without that first meeting we wouldn't be here. Without Aiden's stupid ideas and ways of trying to make me feel better, I wouldn't have met you. Did you know that you are the first idea he's ever had that actually worked?"
"It didn't really work at first." I mumbled, it didn't. He denied me, which I know understand was because of Michael but still. At the time I was insulted and hurt. It sucked.
"That is very true, I'm still sorry for that. I shouldn't have treated you like that."
"Don't" I put my finger over his mouth, stopping him from continuing. I was shaking, I think I knew what he was going to say. Half of me was screaming to stop him and the other half was begging him to continue. I don't know which half I wanted to side with.
"When you left I fucking hated everyone even more than I had hours before. That weekend is usually my depressed, drink myself into oblivion time of the year, not that I don't do that anyways but whatever. You however, took me out of that somehow. It wasn't my brother that I was thinking of, it was you. You brightened up my world the second you came into it and I don't even think you know what you did for me, and still do actually. I always felt like I was just about to fall under, just about to lose myself forever. Now that I have you I- I just." He stopped and looked above my head and up at the ceiling.
"Stay." He whispered at me bringing his eyes back to mine. My heartbeat sped. He was going to say something big. I think I knew what it was and I didn't know what to do. I could feel myself tense and I tried to stop it but I couldn't it was my bodies reaction to things like this, intense things, scary things, emotional things. He tightened his grip on my hips. I went to open my mouth, I don't even know what I would say but before I could speak he had lifted one of his hands and put a finger over my mouth. "Don't."
Mimicking what I had just done to make him stop freaking out over nothing.
Freaking out over nothing.
Is that what he was trying to get me to do? Was this nothing? I don't know, I don't even know what he was going to say. Maybe it wouldn't be that bad and he was trying to help me get through it. Help me to not freak out because it was nothing to freak out about. Maybe he would tell me he liked my hair. My eyes we're awesome. That he wanted to keep fucking? I don't even know what he was going to say and I'm tweaking the fuck out. I tried to breathe, to keep myself together. I kept watching him, eyes locked together.
He looked down at my stomach before lifting his eyes back to mine.
"I've fallen in love with you, Mallory."
The air has been sucked out of me.
I couldn't breathe.
I looked away, anywhere but at him.
I knew that was coming, I knew it. I knew he would say that. My body knew it too that's why I tensed up.
I had to know he was going to say that.
What the fuck else would he have said?
What do I say?
I can't say I love you back, I don't even know if I love him? Do I?
No.
I care about him but I cant love him, not yet. Maybe never. I cant be what he wants me to be. I'm a horrible person. No.
He can't do this to me.
"Please, calm down sweetheart" his fingers began rubbing circles on my hips. His eyes we're trying to tell me to calm down, that he loved me and nothing mattered. He looked nervous and scared and happy all at the same time. His words snapped me out of my trance and I looked away from his eyes.
I looked every single place I could that wasn't him.
The headboard.
The lamp.
The pillow.
The sheets.
My hands.
My hair.
The wall.
He loves me.
What?i
My breathing was shallow and fast, I could feel my heart beating. I felt like it was going to explode out of my chest, it was all I could hear. I was trying to stay focused on his hands rubbing circles. I needed to hold myself together. I know I did. There was still a voice in the back of my head yelling at me, telling me to get the fuck away from him. Run. Get out of here. Get him out. Leave. I don't know if I could move though, I couldn't feel my body. I felt numb.
I felt the wave of guilt rush back in full force. It hit me so much harder than before.
Now I had been lying to a man who loved me.
Who cared about me, more than I had thought.
Not that it mattered, either way I was a fucking whore.
I heard him take a deep breath and I couldn't bring myself to look at him. I just kept looking at the ceiling, wall, window, anything but him.
"I didn't tell you so that you'd freak out, I didn't tell you so you'd leave. I told you because I need you to know how I feel about you. I need you to know that I care so fucking much about you and I don't want to see you get hurt. That's why I wanted you to quit the club and that's why I'm always so concerned. I don't ask you millions of questions and stay here for the sex. Its fucking amazing, don't get me wrong but its not the reason. You. You are the reason I want to be here. You're the reason that I feel alive again. You're the reason that I can wake up every morning. You're the reason I'm not consumed by the darkness. I love you."
Breathe.
Breathe Mallory.
He sounds nervous.
He sounds in love.
Breathe.
In.
Out.
I cant do this.
Holy shit.
He loves me?
Love.
He loves me.
Tyler loves me.
I don't know what to do with myself. I'm not freaking out as much as I would have expected but maybe its because I've expected it. I knew he was going to try and say something like that at some point. I'm pretty sure he wanted to when we were at Central Park. He didn't though and I'm glad.
We needed this to be just us, no one else should be able to see this moment. I wanted it to just be him.
Why though?
Did I really want him to see me freak out like I am?
No.
I swallow hard and its so difficult. My throat is dry, my stomach is doing flips. My heart is still trying to beat its way out of my chest. I swear he can hear it. I'm sure half of fucking New York can hear it.
"You don't have to say anything. I didn't tell you so you'd say it back, I promise." He was promising back to me? At least he was giving me an out right? At least he was trying to help? "I just needed you to know."
Did he help though? No.
Now it was awkward. Right? He loved me. I have said nothing back since and we're sitting here in my bed, with barely any clothes on staring at each other and the floor all at the same damn time. He continued to rub circles against my skin. I could now see that the little things he had done were because he loved me.
"How long?" I didn't mean to say it outloud but I did.
"What?"
"How long have you.." I couldn't say the words. I wanted to know though, how long had he felt like this? Had the girl he loved been cheating on him and fucking dealing drugs behind his back or had he just fallen for me like yesterday?
Fucking idiot, he wouldn't have fallen yesterday. What am I even saying? I don't know.
I don't know what's going on anymore.
My heart wont stop. My breathing won't go back to normal.
I can still feel how tense my body is even with his comforting.
"I'm not positive but a while. I've always felt strongly about you. You've always meant something to me. Something more than anyone else I've ever met."
I didn't respond. I know he wanted more out of me. I know he was looking for something to come out of my mouth even if he said he wasn't. I would want to hear something else if I was him. I couldn't get anything to come out though. What was I going to say?
Cool.
Thanks.
That's nice.
You're an idiot. I'm a horrible person.
Or should I run?
It may seem cowardly that I always go straight to that but I have no other way to handle situations, its how I was brought up. My mom would do fucked up shit and instead of standing up to her or the asshole she brought home I would leave. I couldn't be used for drug money if I wasn't there.
Ironic life I have huh? My fucking mom used to use me to get drugs and now I've been fucking selling them. I'm a fucking idiot.
I really do hate myself.
I didn't know what to do, still.
I always feel like such a fucking idiot.
I feel sick.
The guilt won't leave.
It's getting worse with every fucking word that comes out of his mouth because he's so damn thoughtful. He cares about me and I'm fucking everything up.
I want to run.
I'm scared.
I jump off of him and run into the bathroom, throwing up in the toilet without warning.
I hear him come in behind me and I realize that I want him there. He's the one who basically just caused my complete melt down but I want him here.
I'm so fucked up.
"Its okay baby. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have told you so straight forward like that." He's rubbing my back and holding my hair. He's doing everything you'd want someone to. I should have seen that he loved me. I should have fucking known.
He shouldn't love me though.
I lean back against the bathroom wall close my eyes. I can't believe this is happening to me right now. My head is now pounding along with all my other fucking ailments.
"Here's some water, I won't lose you this time." He was trying to make light of the situation we had in the park and what we're doing now. I wanted to laugh and give him some indication that I wasn't a fucking cold hearted bitch but apparently I was. I didn't do anything. I just held my hand out and took the water, taking a large sip.
"How are you feeling?" He pushed my hair back from my forehead again and grabbed the cup to fill it up again.
"Why are you being so nice to me?" I asked, genuinely curious.
"Do I really need to tell you the answer to that?"
"No." I knew why. I was freaking about because of that why. He stood up and pulled me with him. I brushed my teeth and washed my face, trying to clean myself up a little bit. He walked into the bedroom while I did that, probably trying to give me space. I didn't allow myself to think while I was in there, I didn't want to freak out again. I didn't want to throw up again. I wanted to be able to have a normal conversation with him, maybe?
I walked back out into the bedroom to find him laying down on the bed with his arms behind his head.
"You did a lot better with that than I expected." He said as he looked at the ceiling.
"I'm still 'doing' it so you probably shouldn't say that."
"You aren't hitting me, you didn't faint, you didn't run out of the apartment, you didn't yell at me. I'm going to call this a pretty successful conversation for us."
"You can't."
"Yes, I can-" I cut him off.
"No, you can't feel that way about me."
"Why not?"
"I'm not the person you're supposed to feel that way about. You're better than me, Tyler."
"Stop with this shit Mallory. Stop. I won't listen to it anymore. You can't tell me how to feel about you."
"I'm trying to help you. I'm trying to make sure you don't hate yourself in a few years when you realize what a fucking horrible person I am and you've left. I don't want you to waste your life on me." You already have, you just don't realize it yet.
"Stop with that. Come here." I walk over to the bed and he pats the place beside him, wanting me to lay down. I do.
I don't know what else to do? I said I'd make the best of this day, I have to leave at three and its nine right now. I could just leave now and pretend that I'm scared, but I am scared.
I'm scared of what he said.
I'm scared that he'll leave me.
I'm an oxymoron of all sorts right now.
I cant get my thoughts straight.
I don't know what to think.
I don't know what to do.
I'm lost.
When I lay down he leans over and traces his hand down from my shoulder to my hips and back up. I look at him and I know I have fear in my eyes.
"Pretend I never said anything, pretend it didn't even happen. We never had that conversation. If you want, do that. If it will make you get rid of that look on your face like I'm here to hurt you, to use you then please just think of that. I don't want to make you feel like that. Just like I know you'd never want to hurt or use me."
I hated those words, I hated that he had thought those things. I had been using him and I had lied. I have hurt him, if he only knew.
I couldn't use my words to tell him though, so I leaned over and kiss him.
He kissed me back and we both turned to lay on our sides, I pulled myself against him as he grabbed my ass with his hands. We were both grabbing at each other, pulling, feeling the need to be closer.
He pushed me onto my back and pulls my shirt over my head. I can feel his hardness though his boxers. I know he wants me, I want him just as much. He presses himself against me as he lowers himself down to kiss me one again. Our chests are bare, the feeling of skin on skin is intense. I wrap my legs around him and pull my pussy closer to him, I need friction. He pulls back and takes his boxers off before turning back to me with lust filling his eyes. I watch him pull my panties off and lay so he's aligned with my entrance. I can feel the heat coming off of him and the wetness coating the head of his dick. I move my hips up and down slightly, rubbing him along me. He moans keep eye contact.
I want him inside me, I want to feel him, I want him to take over my thoughts and emotions. Sex is the way that I can do that with Tyler and not freak out, not want to run away. When we're connected like this I know I can handle it, I know that it's the way that I deal with myself.
He must not be able to take it any longer either because as I rub him past my entrance again he pushes inside slowly. I moan at the feeling of him stretching me, filling me. He pushes all the way in before pulling back out, again and again.
I put my hands behind his neck and try to pull him down to me, I want to kiss him. He thrusts a couple more times before giving in. Our lips mash together and his tongue pokes out to play with mine.
He's going slow and steady, its sensual. Our lips and tongue are moving together at the same pace, the faster we kiss the harder he thrusts. It's like a game. I slide my tongue against his and twist around and he does the same with his hips, twisting his dick around inside of me. Its incredible.
I feel his hips hit my inner thighs as he goes deeper inside me, hitting every single spot.
I feel my climax coming quickly as he rotates his hips more, causing the friction against my clit along with everything inside me. It feels insanely good, like I can feel him all around me. His mouth on mine, his chest against me, his hands beside my head, my hands all over him. I can't hold off and I let go, moaning and gripping his shoulders as I ride it out. He waits until I'm coming down from the high before letting himself go inside me, burying his head into my shoulder as he whispers he loves me. I don't think he wanted me to hear it, but I did.
I don't know what to do.
Sex is usually our way to figure things out.
It's usually what we do to help each other though situations.
I'm not saying I wanted to fuck to see if it would help me, but I thought that it would.
Now I'm just more confused than before on what to do.
I don't want to hurt him, ever.
That was amazing, and it loved it but I don't love him.
I care about him, a lot.
There's a difference.
Love is stronger, a feeling you can't mistake with anything else. Its something that you feel throughout your entire body, its something that you'd know no matter what.
We lay there, our breathing heavy and matching. My mind begins to race though the events of the past hour.
He loves me.
I'm scared.
I'm panicking.
I want to leave.
I don't care that we just fucked, or whatever that was.
The old me is coming back full force and I don't want it to.
I like being with him.
But I don't know what to do with love.
Love has never treated me well.
Love doesn't turn out the way you want it to.
Love scars you.
Love is pain.
Hoping that I did justice to what you all wanted to happen with this. It's exactly how I wanted it to happen. Mallory freaked out but maybe not as much as she would have originally, her thinking is changing as she spends more time with Tyler and as Max threatens him. She obviously doesn't know what to do with Tyler's thoughts though. What do you think of all of this? Do you think Tyler handled it well? Do you think he should've done it differently? Do you think Mallory should have handled it differently?
THOUGHTS PLEASE :D
Thanks for loving me even though I seem to have so many thoughts that my A/N is about as long as a one shot fic.