***Ack! I'm sorry this is so late! There were some...technical issues regarding this chapter, so I apologize for the long wait. Thanks once more to the lovely Mikomi-oneechan for looking over this for me! Love you, Miko!
Just for the record, we've now entered the part of the story that's getting a bit slow and more character-developed, so don't expect action for a couple of chapters. And if you're reading this, Lord Slayer, I just want to say that no, I'm not copying you. It was already in my mental plotline.
There are several reasons for me writing this chapter, but the main reason is that it features the return of a character I've sadly neglected for the past few chapters. Right now, I'm apologizing profusely to said character, but there really wasn't a place to fit him in. If at first you really have no idea who I'm talking about when you get to that part in the chapter, refer back to the end of Chapter 9.
There are some things in this chapter that I'm expecting a bunch of reviews about... Oh boy I'm really looking forward to those...Oh yeah, and just as a reminder, page breaks (or those gray lines/horizontal rulers) mean POV changes. Just wanted to make that clear so that I don't have people telling me how confusing it is for them. Again, I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking when I started this story, unfortunately, and I sort of regret writing this in first person. Oh well. Too late to change it now. Anyway, the authoress will now be quiet and let you read. (And a warning: the ending author's note is rather long, but I suggest reading it, but only if you want to.)
(Posted 2/22/2010)
The thick smell of pine flooded my nose as I hurried along a small, rugged path. I tried as best as I could to run down the shallow hill without tripping. Part of me wanted to turn back, but most of me rebelled against the idea. I resisted the urge to cry the small amount of tears that stung the edges of my eyes.
I had told Captain Hitsugaya that I was going for a run by myself. Biting my lip, the scene continued to replay itself over and over in my head.
"You can't go," he had protested. "You're still in recovery. You shouldn't be running around like that."
I grimaced slightly, not expecting him to disagree so quickly. But I had to try since I received the message. "But I can't stay cooped in here for too long; didn't Captain Unohana say that some fresh air was good for me? It wouldn't hurt."
"I don't think she said that. I clearly remember she told me to keep a close eye on you."
"But staying cooped up in here is only going to make me even crazier, and who knows what could happen?"
He twitched, remembering. "It's too cold. You'll freeze," he countered.
"I'll bring a jacket."
"What if someone attacks you? You'll be all by yourself."
"B-but who would want to attack me? I'm just a little girl; I don't have anything anyone would want."
"You'd be surprised…"
He was getting me a little frightened. Maybe I shouldn't go after all… No. I had to.
"Be reasonable, Captain, there's no need to worry. I'll bring Kurobararyu, just in case. Will that make you feel better?"
I didn't even have confidence in my own words. My swordsmanship hadn't improved very much in the last few days. Captain Hitsugaya had temporarily put off my reiatsu training and now aimed to teach me swordsmanship. But my right hand was being downright impossible; every night it seemed to throb even harder because of all the times I had dropped it and it didn't look like I was progressing at all. Even my captain seemed a little bit tired of it.
Captain Hitsugaya gave me a lame look. "Right, Miyamoto, you'll use your sword to defend yourself." He huffed and rubbed the bridge of his nose. I gnawed on my lip, desperately trying to figure out a way to leave. I couldn't be late…
"I can still use kidō," I offered. "I don't always rely on my sword, you know."
Captain's hand covered his eyes, but I could see the way he pressed his lips together. I wasn't sure if I was winning this argument or not. After all, he was my captain; he could order me about and make me do whatever he wanted to without a worry.
"You can't run. You'll trip," he said out flat. I couldn't detect a hint of humor behind his cold tone. He moved his fingers so I could see a glimpse of his beautiful turquoise eyes.
My cheeks flushed as I forced a smile. "Th-Then I won't run. I'll walk. That isn't illegal, is it?"
He stared at me for a long time. I tried to hide my trembling right arm behind my back. Lately it seemed as though he was getting moodier and moodier—the last thing I wanted was for him to explode on me.
I heard him let out a slow, bated breath. "Fine then. You can go."
My face brightened immediately and I was about to thank him when he opened his mouth again.
"But I'm coming with you."
My happy gratitude caught in my throat and, before I could think properly, I was shaking my head.
"N-No! You can't come!" I found myself saying.
Regardless of my protest, Captain Hitsugaya stood up and adjusted the haori draped on his shoulders. As he pushed his sleeves this way and that, I couldn't help but admire his slender but firm arms. I shook my head again, trying to clear it.
"What's wrong? It's just a walk," he remarked nonchalantly, still making no move to sit down.
"I thought I could have the privilege of going alone," I tried to say as respectfully as I could. Still, there was a limited amount you could say politely through clenched teeth.
His eyes wheeled on me, and I was again struck by his sharp, icy gaze. It felt almost as if he was probing my thoughts, trying to figure out what I was up to.
"I refuse to leave you alone, Miyamoto. You're letting me come with you, and that is an order."
I ground my teeth in frustration. He was being overly difficult about this!
"Don't I get any privacy anymore? I think I still have my basic rights." I was really beginning to grasp at straws now. I tried not to think about how I was disobeying a direct order from my superior.
His eyes narrowed severely and he turned his glare onto full power. Trying my best not to be cowed, I stared back just as strongly.
"Aria Miyamoto," he uttered dangerously. I resisted the urge to cringe. The only time he ever said my full name was when he was being very serious. "If you don't happen to remember, the last few times I left you by yourself you either got yourself in a whole heap of trouble that I had to pull you out of, you got hurt, or both! I'd prefer for that not to happen again."
For the first time that night, my temper flared as I began to truly react to his words. What did he think I was, a baby? I could protect myself perfectly well!
"I can take care of myself just fine," I growled back. My right hand, now out of bandages, clenched. "I never asked for your help."
"Yes, but if I didn't come to you, you'd be dead," he retorted hotly. Taken aback, I narrowed my eyes and downright glowered at him.
"You never had to come and help me!"
"You're right. Maybe I shouldn't have. Then I wouldn't be dealing with this! I'm coming with you, and that's—"
I shook my head furiously, the room spinning wildly. "NO!" I cried. "You can't come! How many times do I have to tell you that!? I just want some time to myself and that's that! There is absolutely no need for you to get involved, so stop butting into my business! No one asked for your opinion!"
I didn't have time to regret my words. As I finished my sentence, Captain Hitsugaya seemed to come alive. His eyes widened and then narrowed, his icy blue eyes firing metaphorical blizzards my way. His fist clenched dangerously and he walked up to me like a storming bull. His mouth pulled back into a sneer as he stared right into my eyes.
"Your business is my business!" he thundered. Although the volume of his voice had not risen significantly, the tone of it nearly sent me cowering in terror. "But I can see why it shouldn't be! I try to help you, Miyamoto—but no, you just have to push me aside anytime you feel like it! Now that I think about it, I don't even know why I bothered in the first place! This is a complete waste of my time! In fact, you are a complete waste of my time, Aria Miyamoto! I can't believe I spent all this time worrying my head off over a person like you! I don't know why I was even bothered to help you train when I can see that this is going nowhere—nowhere at all! You're not getting any further and I feel downright idiotic for not having seen that in the first place! I'd be a complete dumbass to let this go on any further! Why should I help you when you don't even seem to want to give me the time of day?! Why should I help a girl who can't even get a grip on her own damned sword?! You are an utter waste of time and space, Miyamoto! Useless! Completely useless! I could be doing much better things than to have to deal with a hopeless case like you! If you want to get rid of me, then fine! Go ahead and let your reiatsu run rampant! I couldn't care less if people hate you! YOU CAN GO ROT ALONE IN A DITCH FOR ALL I CARE!"
He stopped, his chest heaving up and down. His fierce gaze continued to stare down on me with the exact same infuriated glower as when he began. I could tell by the set of his face that he did not regret those words.
I hadn't realized that there were tears in my eyes and that I had stopped breathing until I blinked.
Anguish rippled through me like a tidal wave and my free hand was scrunched so tightly that I could feel my nails beginning to cut into my skin. My breaths were shaky and I tried hard not to burst into tears.
"Fine!" I spat. I didn't know how I had the strength to even open my mouth. It all just poured out of me. "I'm just so sorry that I've wasted so much of your time, Captain Hitsugaya. Maybe I'll take your advice and really go die in a ditch somewhere, what with all this crap I have to put up with. And you know what? I think I'll be happy to do so. You know why?" I paused for effect.
"Because you're no different from the rest of them!"
And with that, I stormed out and slammed the door with a mighty thwack!
Now, here I was, running away from the only place I thought was home.
I knew eventually I'd have to return, or else I'll get into trouble for staying away too long. But right now I couldn't think about that. All that was on my mind was to get as far away as possible.
I kept running for a long time, my tears blinding me, until with a yelp I tripped over a tree root and fell. My face was immersed in cold dirt, and I picked myself up and wiped my face as clean as I could manage. Ignoring the stinging in my hands and knees, I dusted myself off and went over to a nearby tree. I didn't have the will to run any further. With a heavy gulp, I sank down along the trunk, cradling my legs against me and rocking back and forth. Even now his words continued to ring through my head.
This is a complete waste of my time! In fact, you are a complete waste of my time, Aria Miyamoto!
You're not getting any further and I feel downright idiotic for not having seen that in the first place!
Why should I help a girl who can't even get a grip on her own damned sword?! You are an utter waste of time and space, Miyamoto!
YOU CAN GO ROT ALONE IN A DITCH FOR ALL I CARE!
My shoulders were wracked with tremors as I tried to push these thoughts out of my head. But, no matter how hard I tried, those venomous sentences continued to come back and haunt me.
My vision grew blurry and I angrily wiped tears away. I detested crying; it was a show of weakness, a display of emotion that I did not deserve to have.
But it was just so hard to keep from breaking down right then and there.
My sways grew faster as I tried to swallow the lump that had formed in my throat. Eventually it began to sink, all the way down to my chest, where my heart was. Whether it was that or the cold that made me shiver I didn't know, but I tightened my embrace around myself in an effort to drive away the chill that had enveloped me.
It had only been a few days since I had finally hardened my resolve—and, in a single moment, just one person was able to shatter it so easily. How was that possible? Maybe I wasn't as strong as I had took myself as; maybe I should have set my sights just a little bit lower.
An involuntary sob escaped my mouth and I bit down hard, trying to stop. I shut my eyes tightly and focused on evening my breathing. In the back of my head, I could feel Kurobararyu trying to find a way to soothe me, but I forcefully pushed her away, not in the mood.
"S-S-Stupid Captain Hitsugaya," I hiccupped. "He's such a j-j-jerk…" Well, that was the understatement of the decade…
The cold breeze shook me once more. I could feel it in the air; it was the middle of autumn, but already it was getting ready for the transition into the frigid winter. I shivered and bundled myself tighter. I should have brought a jacket…
It was much darker than I had thought. The sky was set in a new moon, giving the forest an even eerier appearance. Despite the fact that I was surrounded by trees, I couldn't help but shudder in slight fear. What if someone found me here…?
Nearby, a rustle sounded. Quickly I leaped up and stepped back hesitantly. Could it really be someone here to hurt me? Even though knowing I probably wouldn't stand a chance in my current state, I gripped my zanpakutō defensively.
Along with rustles I began to hear footsteps and instinctively I shifted into a fighting stance. While there was no guarantee that this person knew I was here, I couldn't be too sure. It was the way I had taught myself to survive.
The footfalls grew louder and the thought of hiding behind a rock swiftly ran through my head. I shook it off, knowing that hiding would do me no good. I concentrated straight ahead of me, tensing for a fight.
When the sounds were finally close enough I suddenly felt a brief spurt of strong reiatsu. Abruptly panicked, I clumsily extracted Kuro from her sheathe and randomly swung her in front of me, looking away.
"Leave me alone!"
I felt something come in contact with my sword along with some soft grunts. There seemed to be some motion to stop my blade and I thrashed about faster.
"I said get awa—"
"Aria…?"
That familiar voice made me suddenly stop my arbitrary flails. Arm still raised, I peeled my eyelids open just a smidgen and peeked.
Standing in front of me, trying to push my sword away from him without getting cut all the while staring at me, was Ikotsu Hayashi.
***
"I see…" Hayashi-san muttered.
We were deeper inside the forest, but I didn't feel unsafe because he had led me down here. We were within a sort of meadow type area, surrounding by a large amount of boulders and rocks which faced a low cliff. I myself was perched on one of these rocks, scrunching up my body so that I could barely see over my knees. Hayashi-san was seated next to me, staring into the dark forest. I had hesitantly told him about the past events, including Loly's attack, as well as what had happened to me with Captain Hitsugaya. Again, I had to swallow the swollen lump in my throat. I wasn't angry, but the recollection was making me very discouraged. I didn't know what I would do if he really did think I was a hopeless case…
"I don't think he's right," the man next to me said out loud. I glanced up at him uncertainly.
"What right does he have to judge you? Who says that he gets to say what you can or can't do?" He asked. I shrugged.
"He's my captain… I have to take his word for a bunch of things…"
"But everything? I doubt it. Just because he's your captain doesn't mean he gets to control every single little detail of your life."
"But… He's a captain…"
"They don't know everything. And your captain is still pretty young; I can name at least five that have more experience than him."
I swallowed once more. I carefully processed his words, contemplating them.
"But…"
"But what? You know I'm right—he doesn't have the right to control you. If you want to get stronger, so be it. Get stronger. If he said all those things, then maybe that's just a sign that you two aren't meant to get along. What kind of person tells another that they're a complete waste of time and space? I think that's a bit harsh, considering the fact that you've been trying so hard. You're doing your best, but he's only shooting you down…"
This time I made no verbal response. I was beginning to quake again, but not from anguish. This time the flame of rage sparked within my heart.
How could he say those things to me? Here I was trying my hardest to control myself, but then he goes and lays waste to whatever I'm doing…
"If he was going to help you genuinely, why would he be saying stuff like that? Unless he really wasn't trying to help you at all… Maybe he's… I don't know… Using you or something like that."
The word using set me a bit over the edge. I shuffled off my rock and grabbed Kurobararyu. I unsheathed her in my anger and eyed the nearby rocks dangerously.
"He might not like you that much after all… When he's gotten what he wants from you he'll probably just toss you aside and ignore you…"
My vision flickered red and, despite me using my less dominant hand, I very much wanted to break something.
"Flare your bloodthirsty thorns, Kurobararyu!" I uttered, enraged. I felt my reiatsu spike, but this time I didn't care if anyone felt it. Grasping her tightly, I raised the speared weapon and drove it straight into a rock. She stayed there, lodged, and I nearly had a fit trying to pull her out. When she wouldn't, I went crazy.
"Kisoku Bara!" I hissed. Purple fire streamed from the hole that Kuro was in, and in seconds the boulder exploded, spraying me with gravel. I twitched petulantly as the shards hit my face.
I screamed, all that pent up frustration gushing out of me. I picked up Kuro, laying on the ground, and flung her straight at another rock. She was driven a third of the way in and— completely lost in my anger—I blew up the hard material once more. But still… It wasn't enough.
I could feel Hayashi-san's gaze at the back of my head, but I didn't sense any motion from him to stop me. I was grateful for that much. But the urge to destroy everything around me still hadn't gone away.
"Youkou Oshaku!"
Kurobararyu suddenly flared, engulfed in purple flames. Without a second thought, I slashed at a rock and effectively split it in two. I smashed and clubbed the two halves until they were barely more than smoking gravel.
It went on like this for quite a while. The moment I saw another rock to smash, I smashed it. The blazing scepter made it much easier to obliterate the rough stones, and for a long time, that was all I was doing. Right now, I wanted nothing more than to rip off the cast that bound my left arm so I could totally let loose—to shriek at every little thing that I saw. It was the only way I could relieve my stress.
At last, all the rocks had been demolished, lying in charred, smoking piles of ashy gravel. The Youkou Oshaku still blazed brightly in my hand, which was aching from all the work I made it do. My breath was heaving, but my temper seemed to have been put off… For now.
Shaking from my tantrum, I put my zanpakutō back into her sealed state; I stabbed her into the ground and collapsed, breathing heavily. I drew my knees up again, a familiar position.
Aria… Kuro whispered, concerned. Despite the fact that my fury had receded, the pain was still there.
I still can't believe… That he said those things… I thought, not really to anyone in particular. How could he…?
I bit my lip, staring blankly in front of me. There was smoke everywhere, shards littering the ground like sand. I was suddenly afraid of what would happen if I were surrounded people and not lifeless rocks. My mind was finally coming to its senses.
Oh my soul… What…? How could I…? I thought…
Realizing what I had just done, I started to panic. Was this how I dealt with stress?! I felt so lucky that there was no one around, or else they'd probably get caught in the crossfire…
Oh no… I… I really am a hopeless case…
No, Aria… You're not… You just needed to blow some steam…
By obliterating a dozen boulders?! What if those were people?!
But they weren't…
But what will happen next time? What if I totally lose it in a crowd? I can't… I'm…
The taste of iron entered my mouth, and I noticed that I had bit my lip too hard. Tears sprang up in my eyes once more and this time I had an especially tough time suppressing them.
"…You must've been really mad."
I jumped, wheeling. It was only then that I had recalled that Hayashi-san was with me. Oh no, what would he think when he saw…?
He approached me, still gnawing on my lip. He eyed the gravel piles critically, as if assessing them. He looked down on me, one arm wrapped around my torso.
"Don't worry, I don't blame you," he announced gently. I withdrew my teeth only to press my lips tightly together. He could be lying…
"No, I'm telling the truth. If it were me, I'd be slashing rocks and trees as well. It's a lot of work, being a Soul Reaper…"
I looked down, silently agreeing with him. I reached up and stared at my hand.
Could I ever do anything right?
"It's a tough world out there…" Hayashi-san remarked, sitting next to me. Instinctively, I shied away, and he chuckled.
"Don't worry, I won't hurt you… That's a pretty rational response. Plenty of people like to destroy things when they're stressed out."
"Yes, but boulders…?" I muttered.
He shrugged. "If there are any around."
"Of course…"
My hand rested in my lap as I stared at my knees. What could I do now? I felt so lost; I didn't know what to do anymore. I was really starting to hate my broken left arm. Why couldn't it just heal already so that I can finally be of some use again?! It felt as though I had the whole world on my shoulders, and I was walking through a tar pit. For a moment I lost sight of my vision. I could only stare at my feet the way they were, stuck behind an impossible impediment.
"You need to tighten your grip."
My head shot up, staring at the man next to me. He was looking down, randomly drawing in the dirt.
"P-Pardon?"
"You need to tighten your grip on your sword. Loosen your wrist though; it needs to stay flexible."
I stared at him for what seemed like a long time. His shoulders went up and down again.
"You seem to be in a bind… I don't see anything wrong with helping you. I know how to hold a sword too, you know."
I processed his words, and something occurred to me.
"Hayashi-san?"
"Yes?"
"How do you know what it's like being Soul Reaper…?"
At least, that was the feeling I had when he said it: that he had previously been a Soul Reaper as opposed to just watching them. To be honest, I never really knew much about him. He had saved me one time and I had simply gone along with it. He never dressed in Soul Reaper garbs, opting only to wear simple a yukata, or something similar. I had never really asked about him until now because there was just so much on my mind.
He didn't seem surprised at my question and simply shrugged. "I graduated from the Soul Reaper Academy some time ago. Unfortunately I wasn't able to stay in the Gotei 13 for very long; I suppose it just wasn't for me."
"So… You left?"
"Yes, I wasn't part of the Gotei 13 any longer. I guess, in a way, I resigned." He chuckled, as though laughing at his little inside joke.
"Hmm… Resigned, huh…?" My finger absently tapped my knee as I stared ahead.
"I wouldn't suggest doing it," he continued to snicker. "It's not a very… Interesting thing to go through with. Give yourself a chance and stay for a bit—it's better that way."
"…Hmm…"
"Don't worry about it; if you have any issues you can just come to me for help. That's what I'm here for." He patted my back rather robotically, and it wasn't extremely reassuring, but it was still better than nothing.
At least there's someone around here that doesn't think I'm hopeless.
I sighed again and rose, dislodging my sword from the ground. I dusted her off, silently apologizing about my mistreatment of her. Hayashi-san also stood, focusing on my hand.
"There," he pointed. "You need to fix that."
"Th-This?"
"Yes. See? Like this."
He reached out and fixed my hand as I ogled him, a bit bewildered.
"Now try swinging it."
I swung it just as he asked… And I had admit, it did feel smoother than it normally did.
"Good. Now try moving your hand a bit…Yeah, right there. Bend your elbow a bit more… Okay, you're good…"
It went on like that for the rest of the night. Under Hayashi-san's watchful tutelage, I felt more confident about my right hand's swordsmanship. I was warming up to him, since he was a lot less stern than Captain Hitsugaya was. There was no annoyance in his voice, no underlying impatience, no exasperation. During that time, I began to gradually forget about the things he had said to me as I focused more on improving my skills.
The sky was extremely dark when we finally stopped. It was probably the blackest I'd ever seen here. The clouds were a monochrome gray, and—despite the lack of a moon—I was unwillingly reminded of my inner world.
No color… No light…
I exhaled as I sheathed Kurobararyu.
"I have to go now…" I muttered sleepily. "I don't want to have to face him when I get back… So I'm going to sleep…"
"Alright then," he replied. "We should meet each other again sometime soon. Good job tonight."
"Yeah… Thanks…"
"Hey, don't worry about your captain. I'm sure he'll… come around soon. And anyway, who needs them, right?"
"… I guess so… Anyway, good night, Hayashi-san."
"'Night."
I waved unenthusiastically as I ran off, trying to not to think about what I'd have to face once I got back. And through it all, I tried to convince myself that I was seeking acceptance in general, and that a certain person's approval didn't really matter.
But no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't keep the thought from coming back to haunt me: the thought that if Captain Hitsugaya didn't care, then none of it really mattered after all.
And now I've learned that when you're around for a reason, that reason better exist. Because once it's gone, so are you.
***
I swallowed compulsively as I stood outside the door of my shared room with Captain Hitsugaya. The reconstruction of my room was finally beginning to speed up and there were good prospects of it finishing within the next few weeks or so. I never thought I'd actually be glad to stop sharing a room with him.
With a glum sigh, I pushed open the door and sauntered in. His reiatsu was nowhere near this area; he was probably still in the office, finishing up today's work. It reminded me of this morning, when everything was still calm and peaceful. I was simply working on my share of paperwork while he worked on his, with the occasional session of small talk. Who would have thought that in just a few hours everything could change so drastically? That, in a single moment, everything could twist up so much that you couldn't even recognize any of it anymore?
Everything was just beyond my control; it was hard to catch up. More than anything, I'd like to have some power over my life—a say in whether or not this can happen, or if that shouldn't happen. Lack of control terrified me; it was like I was falling through an abyss with absolutely nothing to hold on to, and I could only wait for the moment of impact to finally come.
I needed something to grasp: something tangible that I could hold on to for dear life; something that can remind me that I really was in control, instead of it all just being an illusion. I was so desperate, that I would reach out for just about anything.
I just didn't want to plummet again.
I washed up and changed into my sleepwear, my mind drifting. I guess you could say I was sad… But it felt more like that feeling you get right after you cry for a very long time, that period of silence in which you really didn't know what to do next. I realized that I was staring at my captain's futon on the floor and I shook my head, trying to clear it.
I flipped onto the bed, simply laying there for a few instants. I idled, wondering if the ceiling could really bend if I stared at it long enough. Now that I was alone again, the urge to cry had again emerged, more tempting than ever. I struggled to fight it off, telling myself over and over that crying would do me no good.
Oh, but imagine how much lighter I'd feel if I did cry, just for a few minutes…
No. I'd been evading real tears for so long now, and old habits die hard. Repressing the large lump in my throat with strained skill, I shirked under the covers. I covered my face, hoping the dark would help clear my thoughts.
I lay there for several minutes before I felt a flicker of reiatsu and my mind came alive, panicked.
Oh, what should I do, what should I do? What if he gets so mad at the sight of me that he'll just start yelling again? What if he freezes the room or something? What if he tries to talk to me?
Then again, what if he didn't?
I spun to my side so that I was staring at the wall. Could I pull off being asleep? Acting never came naturally to me, and the idea of staying calm seemed impossible. I fought to still my body, evening my breaths as if I was deeply asleep. Scooting closer to the wall, I lightly rested my forehead against it, trying to see if the coolness would soothe me.
After a while, it worked. My shoulders were rising at a steady pace and my fidgeting had finally stopped. Only now did I realize that I was emotionally and physically exhausted, and I used that to my advantage. I closed my eyes, attempting to will sleep into my eyes. However, part of me wanted to stay awake, just to hear Captain Hitsugaya's reaction… And the other part was completely and utterly terrified of it.
After a bit of tense waiting, I finally heard the door quietly slide open and someone's feet softly treading across the floor. For a moment they paused, as if in surprise. I wasn't sure since my face was still turned toward the wall and I had completely covered the back side of my head, acting as if the blanket could serve as a real barrier between me and him. Again, I focused on my breathing: in and out… In and out…
For several seconds, there was silence. And then, seemingly out of nowhere, he moved again and surprised me by sitting on the edge of the bed. I resisted the urge to cringe, but I couldn't stop the small twitch that ran through me. Knowing him, he probably noticed it, but if he had, he was ignoring it, seeing as he wasn't moving.
My body was curled up quite closely, but I wanted to coil myself even more. His icy gaze was almost palpable, and it felt almost as though my back was burning. Not for the first time, I wanted to disappear, so that I couldn't feel that look. But it was the first time I had ever felt like that around him.
I waited in tense silence at what he would do next.
It wasn't often when Tōshirō Hitsugaya would get genuinely agitated at something—even less when he got angry.
After Aria had stormed out, the boy swore an oath under his breath before returning to his seat. His fist was clenched so tightly that it felt like it would bleed from his nails, and with great strain he unwound his fingers, instead opting to dig them into the wooden desk. His turquoise eyes seemed to want to burn a huge hole into the wall. If there had been anyone that came in contact with him, they would surely be frozen by that murderous glare.
Miyamoto…
He was still too furious to speak, his lips a tightly pressed line. The girl's image resurfaced and a surge of rage rippled through him. Why did she have to be so obstinate? Why couldn't she just go through with what he wanted, just for once?
But isn't that what's she been doing this whole time? A small voice in the back of his head murmured. Gruffly he pushed it away, too stubborn to shift from his own notions.
Tōshirō closed his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose. It was that time of year when the Gotei 13 was the busiest, and the extra load of work had never thrilled him. Occasionally Rangiku would come and help, but not as often as he would like. And then there was Aria's training that was on his mind as well. Despite being considered a child prodigy, even the famed Tōshirō Hitsugaya had a hard time juggling all this on his schedule.
He shook his head at the thought of the girl. He would never calm down if she kept popping up. Leaning back in his chair, he breathed in deeply in an effort to relax. Again, he thought of why she had to be so unreasonable.
Master, a quiet voice called from his mind. He sighed.
What is it now, Hyōrinmaru?
Master, I don't think it's… correct for you think Aria Miyamoto is being unreasonable.
In this mood, Tōshirō didn't like it when others pointed out when he was wrong—not even when it was his own zanpakutō.
How can you say that? She wouldn't obey my orders even though she knows it's what's best for her. She refuses my help and thinks she can just use me when she wants and then discard me afterward!
Is that really what she is, Master?
Of course it is, he snapped, getting impatient. Why did his sword have to be difficult as well?
Are you sure? Think back, Tōshirō Hitsugaya, and try to remember any other time she'd supposedly "discarded" you like you claim.
Too aggravated to protest, Tōshirō did as Hyōrinmaru asked, going through the memories of his third seat. He soon found out that, no matter how he looked at it, he couldn't find any evidence to back his claim of her discarding him. If anything, she seemed overly grateful about the whole thing and appeared to exceedingly welcome his help.
These thoughts gradually sank in, and all of a sudden Tōshirō's anger subsided, only replaced by bewilderment.
Master, please forgive me for saying this but… I think you are the one being difficult, not her.
He could say nothing. How could he, in the face of his mistake?
She only wanted some privacy, the zanpakutō continued. Everyone has that right…
A held breath escaped the young captain's lips and he rubbed his temple.
Every time I leave her alone she gets in trouble…
But what about now? The girl isn't an idiot; I can see she's trying to learn from her mistakes, after what you said to her. She'll probably be very careful this time, so not to worry you. Plus, she's smart enough to stay within the walls of the Seireitei, and if there was any trouble a Soul Reaper would be alerted immediately.
Tōshirō leaned onto the desk with both elbows, seeing the gravity of his error. His hands rubbed his scalp. Shoot, he thought. I take back what I said.
What you said about what?
What I said about her discarding me of course. What else is there?
Are you sure those are the only words you wish to retract…?
Hyōrinmaru's tone gave Tōshirō a rather bad feeling and he pestered the former about it.
What is it now…?
Don't you remember anything you said to her before she left?
The captain ran back over his conversation with his third seat, and he didn't immediately see anything wrong.
What did I say? I only called her—
He stopped there.
It finally hit him. Like a slap in the face.
His mouth fell open slightly as he recalled the words he had so harshly thrown at the innocent girl. He was speechless, wholly engulfed by his revelation.
Your claim that she uses you is not the speech you should take back, Master.
At that moment, guilt completely overrode the boy's thoughts. He could clearly see the image of Aria's face when he had finished his tirade, as if it was burned into his mind. There was anger and indignity, of course, but he could see the underlying emotions written clear in her eyes. If he hadn't known her for as long as he had, he might not have seen it. There was pain in those pale features, the suffering that came with basically being called completely useless. He felt even more remorse when he remembered how when he finished he didn't feel a shred of regret for his words. Actually, he had felt a bit… Triumphant.
Tōshirō was beginning to feel sick to his stomach. He could finally see the heartless cruelty in his words. Sure, Aria hadn't been so successful in her training in the last few days, but what could he expect from a girl whose dominant hand was completely broken and she had no idea how to hold a sword in the other? She wasn't a prodigy, not like him. If anything, he admired her for her sheer persistence and effort.
But his words…
You are the only thing she has, Hyōrinmaru said softly. For her, being called a waste of time and space by you is the equivalent of her losing her purpose in life.
He didn't need to be told the obvious. He knew how much Aria depended on him—how much she really needed him. He swore a violent oath under his breath, cursing himself at his callousness.
"Shoot… I've really screwed up…"
But what could he do? Right now, Tōshirō couldn't feel a trace of Aria's reiatsu, and that worried him instantly. Was she hurt? Was she lost? Had she fallen? He cursed again and again, wanting to hit himself. He remembered Aria's last words before she thundered out.
"Fine. I'm just so sorry that I've wasted so much of your time, Captain Hitsugaya. MaybeI'll take your advice and really go die in a ditch somewhere, what with all this crap I have to put up with. And you know what? I think I'll be happy to do so. You know why?"
What she said afterward rang through him, as if reminding him over and over. He knew now that what she said was true. He was no different than those monsters that she had encountered in the past.
He was only frustrated… He hadn't meant to hurt her…
But he couldn't dwell on it now. He had to wait for her to come back, since he had no way of tracking her down. And he felt too ashamed to conjure the motivation anyway—he just couldn't face her. How could a person apologize after saying such cutting words like those? He was never good with apologies in the first place; the last real one he made was years ago, to his lieutenant. Ever since then, he'd been careful not to screw up anymore so that he wouldn't have to apologize for it.
He leaned back into his seat, staring up at the ceiling and waiting, wondering if there was any way Aria could forgive him.
***
Tōshirō felt it immediately. It was as if a siren had begun ringing loudly in his ears.
Aria's reiatsu. It was finally close again after who-knows-how-many hours.
He abruptly rose from his seat, about to approach. But indecision nagged at him, and he sat back down again. Only to think of going out again and then to stay.
Make up your mind! He shouted at himself.
In the end, he decided to wait for a few minutes before he'd go and talk to her. To be honest, the actual thought seemed nerve-wracking. What would he say? How would he say it? She probably hated him by now, for all he knew.
The time went by fast, and Tōshirō wondered if the clock was cheating him as he realized that, in what seemed like a few seconds, his "few minutes" had gone by. Hopefully Aria had calmed down enough to listen to what he had to say and she wouldn't go berserk on him…
How ironic… I'm scared of her going berserk on me.
Knowing he'd have to face her sooner or later, he got up for what he hoped was the last time. The moment he left his seat, the urge to return was incredibly tantalizing. He grit his teeth together, determined to go through with it. Who was he, Captain Tōshirō Hitsugaya, to be scared of one of his subordinates?
"I'm not scared," he whispered fiercely to himself. That much was true; he wasn't scared of Aria herself.
No, what he was more afraid of was her rejection.
He pondered about what he would say as he strode slowly through the halls. He seemed to subconsciously move slower, as if he was really unwilling to follow through. Tōshirō didn't notice, too preoccupied with his thoughts. He huffed a sigh as he came up blank. After all, he couldn't just go up to her say and say, "I'm sorry," and then be done with it.
When he at last reached the door to his room, he paused tentatively before entering. He listened through the doors, trying to detect any hint of movement. There was only silence on the other side, and he wondered if Aria was asleep. Part of him wished she was.
Trying to calm himself he pushed the door open quietly, just in case she really was sleeping. He took in the room and it looked… Still, for lack of a better word. There was nothing disturbed as far as he could tell; the desk still had some scattered objects across its surface and the little personal aesthetics he added to his room remained unchanged.
Feeling a bit reassured, he quietly stepped into the room, closing the door behind him. The light from the hall ceased, plunging the room into obscurity. He stalled, waiting for his eyes to adjust, before reluctantly turning his head toward his third seat.
On the outside, she looked normal. Not that he could see much anyway. Her entire body was covered by the thick quilt on the bed, though he could see she was curled up on her side. She was positioned on the farthest side of the bed there was, so close she was touching the wall.
In that instant, he knew she was awake. Her reiatsu was not that subdued aura it usually was when she was asleep. Her breathing was far too even, too calm for someone who'd just been emotionally beaten. Tōshirō knew her well enough that, even if she was slumbering, her breathing would not come close to this.
Upon closer inspection, he could tell she was incredibly tense, as if her body had turned to stone. She was facing the wall, her forehead pressed against it. Her face itself seemed unscathed, but he noted the slightly scrunched up quality it had. He knew that look quite well.
His heart beating low in his chest, Tōshirō walked toward her, sitting down on the edge of the bed with as much delicacy as he could manage. He peered over her, staring at her face for some time. She wasn't completely enveloped; the blanket over her face probably felt stifling. He noticed the way she minutely twitched when he sat down.
Despite preparing himself for this, Tōshirō didn't say anything. He couldn't even open his mouth, let alone speak. Even when staring at the blatant sorrow on her face that had reemerged after several months, he couldn't bring himself to apologize. This itself made him disgusted at himself. How was it possible that he was too weak to even manage a simple admission of guilt?
His hand suddenly moved on its own, reaching out to Aria. Realizing what he was going to do, Tōshirō jerked his wrist back. Another bout of indecision came upon him and he hesitated, thinking about trying to touch her again. But for some reason… He just couldn't do it; the shame was too much.
He stared at her for a very long time afterward. And then, suddenly, something caused him to rapidly get up and turn away, making him bolt for the bathroom. He quickly changed in silent, wanting to get to sleep as soon as possible. He came back and swiftly hid under the covers, pushing them over his head as if defending himself against an unseen force. There was a heavy weight on his chest as he closed his eyes.
Tōshirō uneasily consoled himself to sleep, trying very hard not to think about that large, shining, diamond tear that had rolled down Aria's face that had finally pushed him over the edge.
In this dream, everything was different. It wasn't the usual nightmare that I had about my past. No, there was just a way I could tell it wasn't the same. There wasn't that same heaviness and despair that was there every time it started. Regardless, it was still dark, and instinctively I tried to find a way out.
Through my searching, however, I felt something shift. Suddenly, I saw a figure bloom in front of me, and I was surprised to see Rangiku-san standing in front of me, her back turned.
"Rangiku-san!" I cried out happily. I felt blissful at seeing her; she was like a surrogate mother to me. Who wouldn't be happy to see their mother?
I stretched my hand, wanting to touch her. Her ginger head turned for a fraction right before I came in contact with her.
But something went wrong. The moment I touched her, the area of her that I brushed began to dissolve, and soon her entire body was vanishing.
"No!" I tried to grab her, to hold onto her, but that only seemed to make her disperse faster. I stole one more glance at her face before she completely disappeared and was shocked at her expression.
Her eyes were empty, as though she was staring right through me. As if she didn't recognize me at all.
I blinked as she completely faded away. I shook myself and continued my search, wondering if I could find my answers somewhere else.
It happened again. This time, it was Sawahata-kun that appeared before me. He was turned to the side this time, but I still couldn't see his face. Excited to see my friend, I ran over to touch him. Quickly, I was dismayed to find it had the same effect as Rangiku-san.
As Sawahata-kun's head melted away, I was again shocked at his face. His electric blue eyes were abnormally vacant, even as he looked right at me. It was as though he didn't even know who I was.
I went on, and met up with Kozue. The exact same thing happened; the same disappearance and the same impassive glance.
By now, I was very distressed. Why was this happening? Why were the people I held most precious disappearing from me?
Frantic, I started running again, trying to find a way out. There had to be some answers… There had to be…!
What seemed like an eternity passed, and finally I spotted something else. It formed slower than the others, like dripping honey. At last I could make a familiar profile. This person was sporting a white haori, with a long sword tied to his back and had a spiky white head.
I was suddenly exhilarant. It was Captain—my captain! He had the answers to this whole thing; he had to! I just knew it!
I approached him, though slower than before, wondering if he'd vanish too. I didn't want that to happen; the last thing I wanted was for him, of all people, to fade away as well.
Much to my delight, he turned around before I could reach out to him, and I was very eager to see his face. Before I could completely see it, however, I extended a hand, too enthusiastic to hold back any longer.
But then I saw his eyes, and I wanted to stop.
What was wrong here? His eyes, his normally sharp, aqua eyes, were not blank, like the rest, but there was something there that I just didn't like. The way he looked at me… It was as though he recognized me and knew who I was, but it looked as though he just didn't care.
"Captain!"
Nonetheless I finally reached him, and was suddenly very glad that I could actually touch him. I looked up at him and smiled widely.
"I'm so glad to see you, Captain! It was getting really weird here!"
But it was the same. He still stared at me with those piercing, dispassionate eyes. I frowned.
"… Is… Is something wrong…? Why are you looking at me like that…?"
He looked away, something I felt was very, very wrong. Why wouldn't he look at me? Why couldn't he see me?
Captain's own tanned hand came up and wrapped around my own, and I was startled at how extremely cold he felt, as if he really was carved from pure ice.
This wasn't Captain Hitsugaya…
Was it…?
He pulled my hand away from him, throwing it away as if it were a piece of trash. I blinked in shock at him. What was going on here?
"What are y—"
As I tried to speak, however, I suddenly felt something on the hand he touched. Looking down, I gasped in horror as I saw I was the one beginning to fade away, instead of the other way around.
I looked up, aghast, and tried to ask him what was going on—but my voice caught in my throat. Something—I don't know what—had changed in his look. I didn't know if it was better or worse than the last one; all I knew was that I did not like it.
And then, all of a sudden, the previous people from my dream appeared, standing in a silent circle around me. They were all turned away from me, and I felt something very heavy in my chest.
"Rangiku-san!" I hollered. I could feel my arms beginning to disperse and I tried to stop it. "Rangiku-san! It's me! Aria! Help!"
But she couldn't hear me. It was as if I didn't exist. Her image changed before my very eyes, and I could see she was talking animatedly to some unseen figure. She had a smile on her face, completely oblivious to my shouts.
It was like she was going on with her life perfectly happy without me.
Knowing my shouts were futile, I turned and started to yell at Sawahata-kun and Kozue, but they too seemed to be preoccupied with something else. They all looked so happy, as if my disappearing made no impression on them. I struggled frantically, wanting to join them—to be a part of their lives, to prove I have a place here, that I exist.
But it was no use. By now, even my legs were scattering into a billion tiny particles. Horror-struck, I turned back to the one last person there. Captain Hitsugaya.
I hadn't realized I was shaking up until now. The process had sped up, and my neck was disbanding as well. I stared at him in confusion.
He was turned away from me as well, but not completely. His head was turned to the side, so I could still see the two eyes that had that same disturbing appearance. And finally, I could name it.
It was joy. He was…happy that I was disappearing.
As my vision began to fade to black, he said one last thing to me, his tone callous and cold.
"I don't need you anymore."
If I was awake, I had no doubt I would be screaming.
***I wonder how many of you are staring at the screen with your mouths hanging wide open. I know I was when I first wrote this.
Now, before you click the review button and start yelling at me about Tōshirō's little rant there, I just want you to tell you something. To be honest, I'm not very mad at Tōshirō. I can't blame him because there have been times when I myself have wanted to yell at the nearest person to me. I'm sure that all of you have felt that urge too. Now, I'm not sure if I phrased what he said quite right; I'm still wondering if the way he said it is a bit OOC. If you want me to tweak it, just say so in a review. (And no, that doesn't mean I'll take it out. When I mean tweak, I mean tweak.)
Also a confession: I'm more mad at Aria than I am at Tōshirō. Mostly for overreacting over this whole thing, because she should know better than to think Tōshirō would ever mean her any harm, and for something else that I'll let you ponder on your own. But actually, I can't stay mad at her for very long. There's actually someone else that I'm fuming at, but I can't say. You can figure that out by yourself too.
Now, for those of you that are pulling your hair out and screaming at the screen how this could have happened between those two, I just want to point out something. One of the reasons I typed this chapter was because I wanted to show that Tōshirō and Aria's relationship is NOT perfect. If you think about it, those two are too different to have a perfectly stable relationship forever. The biggest issue here is Aria's insecurity about her own abilities. Aria is most certainly not a prodigy like Tōshirō; she had to work very hard to get where she is today, whereas the latter possesses natural talent. This is what causes most of Aria's tension. She's afraid that Tōshirō will eventually think that a guy like him shouldn't be "wasting his time" with a girl like her, and it really bugs her. Although, if you think about it, this new dream is a significant change in Aria: her mind is slowly being shifted from her past to her present, but I can't say it's the kind of change I want to see in her. There are also some other differences, but that was the most important one.
Even with that said, I'm still expecting some reviews that will be rather... emotional. *quickly dives behind five inch titanium wall with bulletproof helmet* Okay, I'm ready. Leave a review please!