Chapter 26

A/N: I'm afraid Louise is being a bit mean in this chapter, but she's lashing out after her feelings were hurt. I know there's a lot of angst just now, but I am generally a HAE person so hopefully they'll find their way. Please R&R, I'd be so grateful.

10.00 p.m.

Spencer got out of the taxi, bid Morgan farewell and headed straight for Louise's door. He knew he was making a mess of this, but he wasn't sure he could fix it the way she wanted.

He rang the bell nervously. No answer. He rang again. The door swung open and there stood Jack.

"Hey Spencer, you ok?"

Spencer was totally thrown, he had forgotten that Jack would likely be there.

"Uh hi...yeah...um is...is Louise home?"

"Sure, I think she's in her office, come in. Is everything ok?" Jack held the door open to let Spencer past.

"Uh yeah yeah, we just um, we had dinner with Morgan and she left earlier and she left um her bank card." Spencer prayed that Jack didn't offer to take it for her.

"Oh right, she's doing some work I think, told me she didn't want to be disturbed!" Jack rolled his eyes. "Our Mum is out with our Auntie so that means it's wine o'clock! I'm heading out for a beer with a few mates, let Louise deal with the drunk Mum! Hey d'you want to come with us? It's just the pub on the prom there."

"Thanks Jack, that's really kind" Spencer cleared his throat nervously, "but no, school night and all." he shrugged apologetically.

"No worries mate, another time. Listen can you just let Lou know I've gone? I'll just head now."

"Sure yeah, bye."

"Bye."

Jack left and Spencer stared at the closed door. Ok, time to face the music. He wasn't sure if Louise even knew he was in her house.

He walked through to her office nervously. There was some fairly loud music coming from inside. He knocked loudly so she would hear. Her voice floated through the door,

"What? Jack, I said, I'm in the middle of something."

"It's not Jack." Spencer called out.

Silence.

"Can I come in?"

Silence.

"Ok I'm coming in, you can throw me out after if you want."

Spencer pushed open her door and peered round it. Louise was sitting on the sofa which was placed along one wall. She was wrapped in a blanket, mug in hand, scrolling on her iPad. The room was gently lit by two lamps and there was a warm comforting smell coming from three candles burning in the fire place. She looked up as he came in,

"When someone doesn't reply to your knocking it usually means go away, not come in anyway."

She was mad, he could tell and he couldn't blame her either.

"Listen I'm sorry, can we talk about this?"

"Oh now you want to talk? That's funny cos you were doing a brilliant job of shutting up when Derek was talking earlier." She hated how whiny she sounded, how needy and naggy.

"Please just hear me out."

She switched off the music, locked the iPad, set it aside and gestured for him to sit on her desk chair. He gratefully accepted.

"It's hard to explain..."

"What? That you're ashamed of me? That you don't want people to know we're dating? That I'm your dirty little secret?"

"No! No, none of those things. I just...I don't know how to do this-"

"What? Behave like a human being? You're pretty smart from what I hear, I'm sure you could figure it out if you wanted-"

"Stop!"

Louise looked away guiltily.

"I get that you're mad and you've every right to be, but at least let me explain."

"Ok." she said.

"I told you before that I didn't want to tell Morgan because he'd give me a hard time, but it's not just that. Before Morgan moved back here he used to talk about "the one that got away". This girl who he thought was "the one". He only ever mentioned her when he was drunk or was feeling down about life. I didn't give it much thought, but when I moved here and met you, I realised it's you."

Louise shook her head vehemently,

"No Spencer I told you already, we dated when we were kids, no great love story."

"Maybe not for you."

She continued to shake her head, but he carried on,

"Anyway, I don't want to bring all that up with him until I know what's happening with us. What if I told him and three weeks later we decided it wasn't working and I'd potentially caused my best friend heartache for nothing.

Then there's Emily..."

Louise looked puzzled,

"I'm sorry Spencer, but I don't understand that either. She's dead, how can people knowing about us be affected by her?"

"I was in love with her for a really long time, well I thought I was in love with her, now I don't know. It's all mixed up in my head. See this is why I like science and maths, the facts are quantifiable. Feelings are just so messy, hard to figure out."

Louise remained silent.

"I've seen what happens when people start dating, their friends get involved, everyone has an opinion, they ask personal questions, there's expectations, I'm just...not ready...for all that."

Louise took a deep breath, let it out and spoke calmly,

"Ok, we need to slow things down then. The last few days have been intense, amazing, but intense. Let's spend some more time getting to know each other before we get carried away with it all. We'll keep it between us for now," she emphasised the last two words.

Spencer nodded,

"Thank you, thank you for understanding."

"To be honest I'm not sure I do understand, but I'm willing to give you some time to figure things out."

Spencer came towards her, kneeling on the floor in front of her. He took her hand and kissed it then moved to kiss her lips, but she turned away,

"No, I think we need to slow down the physical side of our relationship too."

Spencer looked confused,

"Are you withholding that as a punishment for me not wanting to tell people?!"

"No! Of course not. I'm pissed off that you don't want to tell people, but I want to give us a chance so as I said we'll keep it between ourselves for now.

"But I'm protecting myself, and you for that matter. Until you're ready to be open about us, I can't feel comfortable about being with you…..physically. It would be like the popular guy secretly shagging the class geek because he really likes her, but being afraid what his mates think so he pretends he doesn't even know her and-"

"The slight flaw in that analogy is that I'm the class geek and you're the popular one."

Louise sighed,

"You know what I mean Spencer. Look, I've only ever slept with people I've been in relationships with. I wish I could be more of a fling kind of girl, it would probably be lots of fun, but I can't separate the emotional stuff from the physical stuff. So until we are at the stage where we know we are in a relationship, I think we should keep it strictly PG."

"So you're saying you won't sleep with me until I tell people we're together."

"That's a bit of an over-simplification, but yes I suppose that is what I'm saying. To me, if you want to be with someone, you're all in. You want to tell the world, 'guess what she's with me!' Until you feel like that then it wouldn't be right to go any further. And you know, maybe you'll never feel like that, then we'll know it wasn't meant to be and you'll be glad we didn't complicate things by having sex."

Spencer sat down properly on the floor now, still holding her hand. He looked thoughtful as he processed what she'd said.

"So, PG-13 then?"

Louise shook her head, "No, PG. PG-13 is a US rating. Here we have PG and then 12 is a separate rating so consider yourself firmly in the just above Disney category." She smiled though she was still upset.

"Ok. Hopefully we can talk about it more this weekend. Get to know each other better like you say."

Louise drew her hand back, wrapping her arms round herself,

"I don't think we should go away this weekend."

Spencer looked up sharply, disappointment written on his face,

"What? Why?"

"Because, Spencer, while I might be spouting all of this resolve now, if we go away together, away from real life and people who know us, I'm going to get sucked into the bubble again. And as much as I believe what I'm saying, all you have to do is kiss me and I turn into a puddle on the floor. You and I both know what would happen with us in a hotel room and then I'm just the girl who had sex with the guy who won't tell people he's with her."

Spencer sighed heavily,

"How far away is the place you wanted to go to?"

"About an hour and a half's drive, why?"

"Well it's not that far, why don't we just go and come back in the same day? You can drive there since you want it to be a surprise and I can drive back. What do you say? I mean, the only way to get to know each other better is to spend more time together. Please, let's just go and spend the day together."

Louise was still feeling uneasy, but Spencer's suggestion made a lot of sense and she really did want to take him to this place.

"Ok, let's go for the day."

He kissed her hand once more,

"Thank you."