Fifty Shades of Trouble
Summary: What if there was a fourth Grey child? Broken from a past much similar to Christian's, Letty was a timid young child, but as she grows, the teenage Juliette turns out to be nothing more than Fifty Shades of Trouble. How would having a teenage sister change Fifty during the Fifty Shades Trilogy? How would he handle seeing his sister spiral dangerously close to his rock bottom?
AN: IMPORTANT THIS TIME: Okay guys, so chapter 27 is done, chapter 28 is about two thirds of the way done. This being said, you guys will obviously get a chapter next Saturday, but the summer class I have right now is kicking my tail. Like it's so freaking hard I don't even know how to explain it. It ends on June 2nd, so then I'll hopefully be able to have time to write again, so just a warning, it may be a bit before you guys get chapter 28, but you will get it.
Chapter 26: Unlovable
"I was not a lovable child, and I'd grown into a deeply unlovable adult. Draw a picture of my soul, and it'd be a scribble with fangs."
― Gillian Flynn, Dark Places
Letty POV
Tuesday, August 2
Monday was hard. There's not much else to say about it. Having to watch Rocklin struggle to enter his own home due to the fear of the memories of his mother had almost made me feel again. I had taken quite a few more pills than I usually did. But Monday came, and it went, and now it is Tuesday.
Today marks the first day of mandatory school soccer practices from 1:00-4:00 every day of the week aside from Fridays. I would usually be excited about this. I didn't dread practices like the rest of my friends. I didn't mind the running or the workouts, I usually enjoyed them. This time around though, I'm nervous.
For the first time in my life, I've been struggling with my sports. Kickboxing and soccer are usually easy to me, but the pain I'm in because of my little sessions with Ash make it difficult to keep up. Even my morning runs have become painful.
I can't make it through one morning run, let alone a kickboxing lesson or soccer practice without popping several Oxy. If I snort it before practice, it releases into my system. It makes things hurt less, and my performance increases a great deal.
Currently, I was climbing out of Mia's car for Tuesday morning "kickboxing" practice. I waved at her and cringed as I made my way into the building and up to Ash's apartment. I knocked twice and he opened the door, a cold, hard glare on his face.
"You, get in. Now!" Ash snapped when he saw me.
I nodded and quickly made my way in the apartment. I heard the door slam and then I felt my head getting snapped back via a tough pull to my hair.
"Let go." I whimpered.
"You know the fucking rules by now!" He roared as he smacked me across the face. "I'm pissed Jules, can't you tell?"
I remained silent, earning a slap to the face.
"Answer me damn it!" He roared.
"Why are you angry Master?" I whispered.
"One word. Rocklin." He told me.
"What about him Sir?" I asked softly.
"He was your date to your brother's wedding." Ash practically snarled. "And I think I heard at the party last night from Macy that he slept in your bed."
"His mother had just died!" I snapped, earning a smack across the face.
"I don't give a damn what happened to him. You're mine! You're all mine!" He roared.
"Who the hell was I supposed to take as my date to the wedding then?" I asked him. "Obviously not you."
"Have you forgotten your goddamned manners?" He asked as he smacked me again.
"You can't tell me what I can and can't do when I'm not here! You can't tell me who I can and can't spend time with!" I yelled.
"If you want these" He tossed a new bag of pills in my direction "then yes, I can tell you exactly who you can and can't spend time with. I can tell you exactly what you can and can't do. If you want those little pills, then you are mine. All mine."
"This is nothing more than a way to get what I need for me!" I snap at him.
"Is that really how you're going to speak to me? You love me. I know you love me." Ash told me, landing a punch to the ribcage.
"Please Ash, please don't do this to me today. I have practice." I whimpered.
Another punch. "Don't you get it? You're my whore. Mine. You don't make the decisions here."
I forced myself to block everything around me out as he continued with our "session". He was rougher than he usually was, and I'd be surprised if I actually managed to act even slightly normal at practice today. I would have to take more Oxy than I usually did.
When it was finally time for me to leave, I popped two pills in my mouth, and got out of that apartment without so much as one last look at Ash. I had what I needed. I had the pills to make sure I could live.
…
"Are you excited for practice today?" Mia asked as we headed towards school later on.
I shrugged. "I guess."
"Oh come on." She smiled. "Not only are you back in soccer season with school, one of your favorite parts of the schoolyear, but you also get to see your friends! You haven't seen them in a while."
I sighed. Were they even my friends anymore? Macy hadn't spoken to me since I told them I wasn't going to the movie. Neither had any of the girls. Aside from Rocklin and Alex, who I couldn't spend time with without getting myself hit, none of my friends wanted anything to do with me anymore. In all honesty, I didn't care. I didn't have to bring them down with me.
"Yeah, that's true." I whispered.
"I'm surprised you're not more excited." She told me softly.
"Can we drop this Mia?" I asked. "I just need to focus on the different drills and stuff I'm about to have to do for the next three hours."
The rest of the ride was spent in silence and I was quick to get out of Mia's car once we got to the school. As I got my shin guards, socks, and cleats on, I couldn't help but cringe at the way my so-called friends were looking at me, trying to not seem obvious about the fact that they were talking about me.
"So you finally decide to show your face?" Macy addressed me first.
"What's that supposed to mean?" I asked.
"Where the hell have you been?" She asked me.
"It doesn't matter Mace." I told her.
"You're supposed to be my best friend." She actually sounded hurt. I didn't give a damn though.
"I've been having trouble getting out of the house for parties." The lie rolled off my tongue easily.
"So why haven't you been texting me? Or calling me?" She asked.
"Just drop it Macy." I sighed.
"Is it because you've been sleeping with Rocklin?" Ryleigh asked me.
"What the fuck Ryleigh?" I snapped.
"He's the only one you've been spending time with." She shrugged.
"You self-righteous bitch. His mother just died. Of course I'm going to be there for him." I told her as I stood up.
"The fuck did you just call me?!" Ryleigh snapped.
"A bitch. You sure are acting the part right now." I told her.
"Hey that's a little out of…" Scotland stood up, getting between me and Ryleigh where she now stood right in front of me.
"Takes one to know one right?" Sammy chuckled.
"What the hell is the matter with you guys?" I sighed.
"What the hell is the matter with us? What the hell is the matter with you Letty?!" Macy snapped.
"She probably got knocked up. I hear she and Ash have a pretty active sex life." Ryleigh smirked at me.
"I'm not fucking pregnant! You have no idea what the hell is going on with me and Ash! Shut the fuck up!" I yelled.
"Grey, Sutton, Bentley, Moore, Sinclair!" I heard my coach's disapproving snap. "All of you on the field, on the line, right now!"
I groaned. We were going to have to run like hell because of whatever part of the conversation he had just witnessed.
Sure enough, we ran sprints until I thought I was going to die, and then Coach was in a pissed off mood towards us for the rest of practice. I was grateful once practice ended. I didn't linger in the locker room, I just grabbed my stuff and made my way to the parking lot, climbing into Elliot's car. Kate was in the passenger seat and offered a small smile.
"How was pr-" Elliot began.
"I don't want to talk about it." I cut him off.
"That bad huh?" He asked.
"What part of 'I don't want to talk about it' didn't you understand?!" I snapped.
"Jesus, Pipsqueak, sorry." Elliot sighed.
As soon as we got home, I headed up to my room without greeting my parents. I showered and threw on new clothes before heading down to the dining room.
"How was pr-" Dad began as I took my seat.
"Don't ask." Elliot cut him off for me.
As we ate, everyone made some conversation with each other, and tried to speak with me, but I didn't offer up any information. As soon as we finished dinner, Mom began gesturing everyone to follow her to the living room.
"Mom, can I just go up to my room? I'm tired." I sighed.
"Are you feeling okay?" She asked me softly.
"I'm fine, I just need some sleep." I assured her.
"Laters Pipsqueak." Elliot offered softly.
"Laters Elliot." I rolled my eyes.
I made my way up to my room and instantly made my way to the bathroom. I crushed up some pills and quickly snorted them. I wiped off the blade I had just used to cut the Oxy and took my jeans off. After making a few new slashes on my hips, I slipped a pair of sweatpants on.
I dozed off as soon as I hit the bed, and only woke when I heard a knock on my door. I rolled on my side and called a muffled "Come in."
Mom came in, a small smile on her face, but her eyes were sad, concerned. She moved to sit on the side of my bed and reached slowly towards my cheek, going to caress it like she had done so many times. Apparently, my brain didn't register what exactly was about to happen though, because I completely flinched back, and Mom's hand froze in it's place.
I didn't mean to flinch, it had just become habit with Ash. He had smacked me so hard on the face so many times that a hand, even my mother's hand reaching towards my face, had me petrified for a brief moment.
"Are you okay Darling?" Mom asked.
"Yeah, I'm just tired. I had a big day between kickboxing and soccer." I lied, trying not to show any sign that this wasn't true.
"Maybe you need to take a little break from kickboxing, especially with practice for school soccer every day." She told me as she brushed my hair from my face.
"I can handle it." I told her softly.
"Can you at least go down to once a week?" Mom asked me softly, her voice full of concern.
I froze. She would surely notice if I didn't actually go to kickboxing during the week, so I couldn't ask to just go on Tuesday mornings. I wonder if I could convince her to let me keep going on Tuesday and Thursday afternoons like I had in the past, and tell Ash I would have to come later. He was probably going to have to change up my time with school starting back soon, so maybe he wouldn't be mad at me.
"Can I just drop the morning class?" I asked. "I'll have to once school starts back anyway."
Once the school year started, that would mean I would have practice every day after class until 5:00, then on Mondays, Tuesdays, and Thursdays, I would be doing something until nearly 7:30. It was the same, with the addition of therapy on Mondays, as I had done last year during school soccer season.
"If you're sure that's what you want to do. With your games being on Wednesdays and Fridays most of the time, that puts you out late every school night." Mom told me softly.
"I did it last year." I shrugged.
"Think about it a little more, and you can make the decision." Mom told me before kissing my forehead. "Get some rest Darling."
Once Mom was gone, I sent a text to Ash, explaining the situation. After a heated text message conversation, filled with caps lock messages and threats, the decision was made that I would see him on Tuesday evenings, when I was supposed to be in kickboxing.
I cringed at the thought. At least with seeing him in the morning, I only had to deal with Mia and the staff for a few hours. I could usually pull myself together by the time dinner started with the addition of a pill. Would I be able to pull myself together in the matter of a few minutes where I would walk to one of my parents' cars?
I did my best to shake the thought, put two of the blue pills, seeing as the Oxy was apparently not working well enough on its own, in my mouth, and closed my eyes.
Sunday, August 21
Today is the day Christian and Ana return. Or not return, but it's the day we are celebrating their safe return with a barbecue. It also sort of doubles as a celebration of the new schoolyear, which starts tomorrow. That's nothing to celebrate in my opinion. That just means I have to deal with my friends on a daily basis. And to make matters worse, Rocklin won't be at school. The school is giving him some time away while he grieves the loss of his mother. As long as he turns in his school work, he can have as much time as he needs.
I'm glad Christian will be back now. I had been on edge without him here ever since the fire in the server room at Grey House. I think it was arson, but who would want to hurt my brother? There was Elena. After the revelations that she had hurt my brother when he was younger had come out at his birthday party, Mom had pretty much bad mouthed her enough to her friends to have Elena considered a sort of black sheep.
Mia, Elliot, and I didn't know the details of what exactly Elena had done to Christian, just that it was something bad enough to upset our parents enough to want to ruin Elena's life. Serves that bitch right in my opinion. I'm not so sure that Elena was the one to start the fire though. I don't think she would be capable of something like that.
Dad looks a bit ridiculous in his chef's hat and Licensed to Grill apron as he stands at the barbecue. I think anytime anyone gets a look at him, they can't help but smile. Ana, especially, seems to be in good spirits. Everyone does, except for me. I can't feel happiness, not easily, but at least I can't feel the pain I usually felt.
I was sitting between Mom's empty seat and Elliot, watching as Mom and Mia put various salads on the table of the terrace. Elliot was currently exchanging friendly insults with Christian, which I rolled my eyes at, but I was more interested as they talked about the plans they had for the house Christian had bought for Ana and himself.
I paid a bit of attention to Ana and Kate's conversation as well. Kate was asking about Ana and Christian's honeymoon. "So if you can get the plans finalized with Gia, I have a window September through to mid-November and can get the whole crew on it," Elliot's statement caught my attention as he wrapped an arm around Kate's shoulders.
"Gia is due to come over and discuss the plans tomorrow evening." Christian replied. "I hope we can finalize everything then." He turned to look at Ana.
"Sure." Ana smiled at Christian before spacing out a bit.
"Ana," Kate exclaimed. "You still in the South of France."
"Yes." Ana replied with a smile.
"You look so well." Kate offered, but a small frown found her lips.
"You both do." Mom beamed as Elliot refilled all of the wine glasses aside from mine, which he only put a few sips worth of wine in.
"To the happy couple." Dad raised his glass, making us all follow suit.
"And congratulations to Ethan for getting into the psych program at Seattle." Mia chipped in proudly as she smiled at Ethan, earning a smirk. I swear those two are going to be an item soon enough.
"And I think good luck is in order for the youngest." Elliot smirked at me. "Here's to hoping she doesn't get thrown out of school this year."
"Hey, I behave." I defended myself.
"And she gets impeccable grades." Dad kissed the side of my head.
"Sophomore year huh?" Kate asked me. "Any interesting classes?"
I told Kate about the classes I was taking, and she was impressed at the amount of AP and honors courses, asking me what I was thinking for college.
"Yale." I sent a joking look at Dad who cringed.
"She'll be a Harvard girl." Dad assured Kate with a smirk towards me.
That day old banter we had about Yale versus Harvard. I would tease him until the day I actually headed off to Harvard about picking Yale instead.
I listened as Christian went over the detailed itinerary of his and Ana's honeymoon. I had been a few of the places they had visited before, and I knew Christian had spoiled Ana rotten at all of them. She had been given the trip of a lifetime.
For dessert, we had strawberries and cream, but in typical Seattle fashion, the heavens opened up and rain began soaking all of us. We were quick to gather all the plates and glasses from the table and heading into the kitchen.
"Good thing the weather held off till we finished." Mom smiled as we made our way to the den.
Christian made his way to the piano and began playing softly as Mom asked Ana about how she felt of Saint Paul de Vence, which was where she and Dad had honeymooned. Kate and Elliot were all cuddled up together, while Ethan, Mia, and Dad were in deep conversation about psychology. I was listening to Christian, not joining any of the conversations. It was then that I heard him singing, and by the halt of conversation, everyone else heard him too.
He was wonderful. I had never heard him sing before, I don't think anyone had. Once Christian realized people were paying attention to him, he stopped and turned towards us.
"Go on," Mom urged him softly. "I've never heard you sing, Christian. Ever."
Everyone began talking softly again, probably to get attention off Christian so he wouldn't stop playing, but I just kept listening to him. I see Mom wrap Ana in her arms out of the corner of my eye and whisper something to her, but my main focus is on my brother.
He had gotten better. He was getting normal. Apparently, unlike me, he wasn't going to be eternally fucked up. It was a sobering fact. My brother had overcome his past, and I was still haunted by mine. I am weak. I well never amount to anything in comparison to him. I will never be as good as Christian. Or Elliot, or Mia for that matter. I will always be the disappointment. I will always be the fucked up person I am today.
After everyone left, I excused myself to my room. I told my parents I was going to make sure my backpack was packed and that everything was organized. Mia offered her assistance but I declined and head up on my own.
I b-lined straight for my bathroom and locked the door behind me. All of the food, which wasn't much, I had eaten came right back up. I don't know if it was because I hadn't taken enough pills today, or because I was starting to realize just how terrible of a person I was, but either way, it happened. I quickly brushed my teeth and dug for my hidden stash of pills and the razor blade.
I cut up several pills, mixing their powders together to snort. After the high started, I ran the blade across my hip, watching as the blood poured out of the scar that was beginning to form from the repeated cuts I inflicted on it.
The cutting has helped almost as much as the drugs. It causes pain, but pain I can control. It's one of the few things I can actually feel, but I control when or if I feel it. It makes me feel free to run the blade over my hip.
The only other physical pain I feel is when Ash beats me. I've done research, and promptly deleted my browsing history, and I know that what Ash does to me is not healthy. I know it is not what the BDSM community is supposed to be about. In spite of all this, I will continue letting him do whatever he wants to me. I need those pills.
At first, I thought that maybe I could stop. There was a small piece of me even a few weeks ago that had decided I would stop taking the drugs, stop going to see Ash. I told Mom I was exhausted from practice on that Tuesday, and had in turn, not gone to "kickboxing". I had about a billion text messages from Ash, all of which, I chose to ignore.
Come the next day, without any drugs to take, I felt awful. I was shaky, nervous, sweaty. Mom even kept me home that day, thinking I had the flu. I needed the drugs, and I needed them quick. I had paid for it the next Tuesday, when I went back to "kickboxing". I don't think I've ever been hit so hard in my life. I didn't care though. He gave me the pills that took away the emotional pain. That's all that mattered to me.
I composed myself and made my way to my bedroom. Mom came in to say goodnight to me around 11:00, and I quickly dozed off after she left, dreading the first day back at school.
Saturday, August 27
I have officially survived the first week back at school. Just barely, but I made it. My so-called friends are making my life miserable, I'm still being forced to see Dr. Flynn, and Ash laid it into me pretty harsh on Tuesday night. I'm struggling to keep up with basic assignments and my game has been off. I missed a wide-open shot in our game Thursday night, and got an earful from my coach. I've learned that the only thing I can rely on is the drugs. They are the only thing that can give me even a taste of happiness, if you can even call it that, even if it is very temporary.
All my siblings are gone for the weekend. They've headed to Christian's place in Aspen. They asked me to come along, but I was nervous about being around Christian for such a prolonged period of time. He could always read me like an open book, and I was lucky he hadn't noticed my recent change in behavior. I would've spilled my guts to him had he taken me along. Plus, I would have held Mia, Ethan, Ana, Kate, Elliot, and Christian back from activities I was deemed to young for like clubbing and drinking and stuff. Oh, if only they knew how experience I was in those areas.
Dad had some huge case he was working on today, so I hadn't seen much of him, and Mom got called in on an emergency at the hospital, so I found myself sitting by the large window in my room, watching as rain fell. The same emptiness I had become accustom to was all I was feeling right now. This had all become so normal.
Wednesday, September 7
I was shocked when I headed out to the parking lot after practice and saw Christian's car instead of one of my parents' cars. Today had quite honestly been terrible. I had bombed a simple quiz in my honors English class, I had failed my lab in AP Biology, and I had received my grade back on my AP French test from Monday, which was just one point above the failing line.
Macy had apparently set out to make my life miserable today as well, making any and every snide comment she could think of to push my buttons, and to top it all off, I had received news that Rocklin wouldn't be coming back until after Christmas break most likely.
This week as a whole had been pretty awful though. Monday, Dr. Flynn had tried to get me to talk to him about my childhood, and apparently even while remaining silent, I couldn't contain my temper much and knocked a vase off his desk, shattering it into a thousand pieces.
Tuesday, Ash had decided to blindfold me and then let some other godforsaken person fuck me. I didn't see him, and Ash was careful not to say his name, but I did catch onto the fact it was Ash's brother and that he was older. He was probably too old to fuck a fifteen-year-old legally, but there wasn't much I could do about that. I didn't have a clue who it was.
Everything around me was starting to crumble. Things were getting bad. I was falling deeper and deeper into darkness, and that light at the end was becoming harder to see. I could really only see it if I took pills, and just for a brief moment at that. All I knew for certain was now that I was in this spot, nothing could bring me out of it. I would have to keep taking the pills, which meant I would have to keep letting Ash do whatever he wanted to do with me.
"Hey Letty." Christian smiled at me happily as I got in the passenger seat of his card.
"Hey." I offered softly.
"You okay?" He asked as he began driving.
"I'm fine." My voice came out as a snap and I shook my head at that. I was trying to act normal. "Where's Ana?" I softened my tone.
"She's at home. She's cooking dinner for us." He chuckled.
"You're letting her cook instead of Gail?" I asked with a raised eyebrow, knowing that was probably Ana's doing and not Christian's.
"She's a great cook." He shrugged.
"Not what I meant." I offered a small smile. "I mean you're not spoiling her for once? Let me guess, Ana asked to get to cook sometimes?"
"Mostly on weekends but she wanted to cook for you." He told me.
"Where are Mom and Dad?" I asked him.
"Mom is working past her shift because of a school bus crash. Dad had a business dinner with his firm." He told me.
"So you volunteered for Letty-sitting?" I half-joked, but my tone had underlying seriousness in it. I could tell my parents had been worried about me, just by the way they looked at me sometimes, but anytime they tried to talk to me, I brushed it off.
"Beat out Mia and Elliot for it." He chuckled.
"Let me guess, first one to the top of the stairs won?" I smiled a bit.
"Bingo." He smirked. "In all seriousness, I haven't gotten to spend much time with you lately. Neither has Ana. I thought you might like to get to see her away from everyone else and have a chance to speak with her."
"Okay." I agreed with a shrug. That was fair enough. I hadn't had much time with my sister-in-law away from the rest of the family.
"She's excited to come to your soccer game tomorrow." He continued. "I never knew she was a soccer fan until your last game. Apparently, her father used to watch it with her so she's quite the spectator."
"We lost the last game." I frowned. I hated losing.
"Well, Ana would tell you that was because of a "ridiculous call". She says there was no way you were off-sides when you received that pass and your goal should have counted. I think she's still a little fired up about it actually so you may not want to bring it up." He laughed.
"My game's been off all season." I admitted. "It wouldn't surprise me if I wasn't focused enough to make sure I was on-sides."
"Why has your game been off?" He asked.
"I don't know. I think I may just be a little burnt out." I lied. I loved soccer. I would always love soccer. But I had played for twelve years now so maybe he would buy that excuse.
"You've seemed off since school started." He told me softly.
"Have I?" I asked.
"Yes." He pierced his lips. "Has something been bothering you?"
You do have a story inside you; it lies articulate and waiting to be written- behind your silence and your suffering. Could I tell Christian anything that had been going on with me? Was there anything at all I could share with him to get off my chest without getting in trouble? I doubted it. Part of me really wanted to open up to my big brother. He had healed, he had made it. Maybe he had some tips. But a greater part of me, one that would always win, knew the minute I told him about all of this, it would be over. I would have no access to drugs or anything sharp. Those were the two things I needed most.
"Not really. School has just been stressful this semester." I lied.
I glanced at my brother. His eyes were on my wrists seeing as we were at a red-light right now. I could swear he was staring at the bruises. The bracelet had slipped a little, and the bruising was just barely peeking out. Surely he hadn't noticed though, right?
I quickly moved my hand to "fix my hair", and Christian's gaze went back to the road right as the light turned green.
I greeted Ana once we got to Christians, but headed straight for a shower. I was glad I still had a few Oxy in my soccer bag. That would get me through dinner. As soon as I was clean, in new clothes, long sleeves this time, and had the pills in my system, I made my way to the kitchen.
I sat on a barstool and watched while Ana cooked. It smelled amazing. It looked like she was making stir-fry and my stomach actually growled at the smell.
"Christian is taking a phone call in his study." Ana offered as she turned to look at me. "How are you today? Good day at school?"
"Yeah, it was fine." I lied as I rested my elbows on the counter and my head on my hands. "Good day at work?"
"It was a little tedious but yes." She agreed. "And school was fine huh? I used to tell my father school was fine when it was anything but."
"Not a day that will make my list of top ten days." I chuckled.
"You have a list?" She asked.
I nodded with a shrug. "Don't you?"
"I haven't thought much of it but I'm sure I have one in my head." She smiled. "So what's on your list of top ten days then?"
That was a question from someone I could actually answer. That wasn't a question that could get me in trouble and it was innocent coming from Ana. It wasn't Dr. Flynn, Christian, Elliot, Mia, or my parents trying to fish for information. It was rooted in pure curiosity.
"Number one is probably the day my parents told me I was going home with them forever." I told her gently. "I'm sure Christian has told you how Mom saved him, well, she saved me too."
"Your parents are wonderful people. I could only aspire to be like them if Christian and I ever have children." She nodded in agreement.
I raised my eyebrow at that, but decided not to ask about a discussion on children she and my brother had possibly had in the past. I didn't want to press for too much information.
"Number two is actually the first Father's Day I ever spent with my new family." I continued.
"What happened then?" She asked.
"On Father's Day we always go sailing. We take a picnic and sail. Sometimes we sail to Victoria or Vancouver. We've even done an overnight sail all the way up to Alaska. Sometimes we just sail on open water. Well, the first sailing trip I ever went on with the family was when I found my love for sailing. Christian isn't the only one who fell in love the first time Dad had him on a sailboat." I chuckled.
"What's number three?" She asked with a smile.
"Disney World." I laughed at the memory. "It was fall break after Mia had gone off to college and I was in desperate need of some sibling bonding so Mom and Dad took us all to Disney World. I actually got Christian into a pair of Mickey ears."
"So Christian does know how to let his youthful side show?" She offered, her tone half-joking, half-serious.
"Mom always said I can bring out a special side of him." I smiled.
"Fourth favorite?" She continued.
"The first time I learned how to ski. Christian was actually the best teacher, but don't tell him I said that. It will only boost his ego. Fifth favorite day was when he first taught me how to play a song on the piano. It was one of my very first days at home." I smiled.
Ana's eyes melted a bit. I bet she was trying to picture Christian with a young child. I had a feeling she didn't know there was an even softer side to my older brother than he saw with her.
"Sixth favorite?" She continued.
"It's going to sound so strange but actually when Elliot dropped me on my head when I was younger." I giggled.
"What?" She asked through a small laugh.
"Elliot tried to pick me up by my ankles when I was around eight and didn't get a good grip so when I wiggled, he dropped me. Just imagine a younger, even more immature, Elliot Grey trying to bandage up a bleeding eight-year-old and hide it from his mother." I laughed.
"I bet your mother wasn't too happy about that." Ana smiled.
"Oh she was absolutely furious." I agreed.
"Who was absolutely furious?" Christian's voice caught my attention.
"Mom that time Elliot dropped me on my head." I smiled.
He cracked a smile at that. "I don't think Mom has ever given any of us an earful to that extent. I thought she was going to actually kill him."
"So obviously Elliot hasn't changed much." Ana offered softly.
"Still a goofball, but believe it or not, he has matured." I shrugged. "He can be very serious if he has to be."
"I'll have to let Kate know her future husband can be mature if the need arises." Ana smiled.
"I actually forgot they were engaged." I smiled thinking of how excited Elliot was when he called Mom and Dad to let them know Kate had said yes to his proposal.
"Let's just hope they don't reproduce any demon spawns anytime soon." Christian joked.
"Yuck." I stuck my tongue out.
Ana's cooking really was divine. And I don't say that about just anyone's cooking. I have an "expensive pallet" in Mom's words. Ana's stir-fry tasted just as good as any restaurants could ever taste, and I ate a little more than I had in the past few weeks.
"Is that all you're going to eat?" Christian's eyes were on my still half-full plate.
"I'm not very hungry." I told him.
"You haven't eaten very much at family dinners recently either." He told me seriously. "With how much you work out you really need to…"
"Christian, I'm fifteen. I can eat however much I feel like eating." I cut him off.
"You're getting thinner too Letty" he continued "you can't afford to lose weight."
"Christian, drop it." I cautioned.
"What is going on with you?" He finally asked.
"Christian." Ana sighed.
"No, Ana, something is going on with her and I want to know what. You've been distant from everyone recently so what is going on?" He asked.
I glared at him. "I don't want to talk about this."
I wasn't sure if that was true or not. I probably did want to talk about it, but I couldn't. I had to keep doing what I was doing if I wanted to get the drugs.
"Juliette." His tone was harsh and I glared at him even harder.
"Take me home." I told him.
"No." He told me.
"Take me home now Christian!" I snapped.
"Not until you tell me what is bothering you!" He snapped right back.
"Ana, please take me home." I glanced at my sister-in-law.
"She's not taking you either." Christian disagreed.
"She can decide for herself!" I yelled. "I want to go home!"
"What the hell is wrong with you?" He snapped as I stood up, he was on his feet right after me.
"What the hell is wrong with me? What the hell is wrong with you, Christian?!" I yelled. "I don't have to tell you every fucking detail of my life!"
"Don't talk to me like that!" Christian roared.
"Christian, just calm down. I'm going to take your little sister home." Ana stood up too and rested a gentle hand on Christian's shoulder.
He seemed to calm at her simple touch. His gaze softened just a tiny bit, but he still had a glare directed at me.
"Ana, you may not know her as well as me, but surely you see something is wrong here." He spoke calmly to his wife.
"Nothing is fucking wrong with me! It's not your place to say anything!" I yelled.
"Christian, just calm down. You can't force her to talk to you if she doesn't want. She's fifteen, not five. I'm going to take her home so you can both calm down. You all can speak to each other once you can be civil and hold out a normal conversation. That isn't going to happen tonight." Ana told him as she looked to me. "Go ahead and get your things."
It was quiet in Ana's car as she drove. I stared out the window as rain fell from the sky, trying to mull over the disagreement I had just had with my brother. Ana didn't speak at first, she just left me to my thoughts, but eventually she did clear her throat.
"You two are similar in some ways. A lot of ways." She told me softly. "I think that may be why you butt heads so easily. He's just worried about you."
"He has no reason to be worried about me. He has enough to worry about without having to worry about me." I told her.
"You don't like having others worry about you." Her statement, I think, was meant to come off as a question, but it was definitely a statement more so than a question.
"I don't see the point." I admitted.
"The point in what?" She asked gently.
"In people worrying about me. I'm fifty shades of fucked up and that's never going to change, regardless of how much people worry about me. They should save their time and effort for someone who isn't broken beyond repair." I told her.
"You aren't broken." She spoke after a few moments of silence. "You've been through hell and back in your life. That makes you strong, not broken. You aren't just something that can be thrown out if something isn't quite up to par, you're a person. You are easy to love Letty, and you aren't broken beyond repair, or even broken at all."
I wish she was right. I wish all of this could just go away. I wish someone could fix me. If she knew everything that was going on, she would agree with me. I would never be fixed. Nothing could fix me.
"You have no idea." I sighed.
"Then talk to me." She told me gently. "You can talk to me. I may not be the best at advice, but I'm a good listener. I know you and I haven't spent much time together yet, but I do care about you. I love you. Your family loves you. Christian loves you so much too."
They may love me right now, in this moment, but the minute they learned what I had done, they wouldn't love me. They would see me like the whore I had become. The druggie whore at that. They would hate me. That's why they could never know what happened.
"Can we stop talking about this?" I asked her softly.
She nodded and continued driving, turning the radio up a little. She dropped me off at home and I was instantly up in my room.
I wish Ana was right. I wish I was fixable. I wish I wasn't broken. I wish I was strong. But she is so very wrong about me. I am broken beyond repair. I am weak. I am not easy to love. In fact, I am completely unlovable.