Chapter 26: Explosive Chemistry
"I'm back. Sorry for the wait." Monty said kindly as he and the cameraman came back to Moxxi's bar with a large burlap bag and a faucet barrel. While Monty has no problem carrying the heavy bag on his shoulder, the cameraman is seemingly exhausted as he is carrying the faucet barrel.
"I got the beer. Here you go, guys." Lilith said as she is carrying two metal buckets filled with bottles of beer and ice. She placed the buckets on the table and start handing out the beer to everyone (well, anyone who is within drinking age). Only Brick, Axton, Salvador, Mama Jaws, Eugene, Brandon, and Oleg grabbed the beer that Lilith offered.
Someone apparently wants a beer even when wasn't offered one.
"Ooh, me! Gimme one! Gimme!" K.C. said loudly as he stretches out his hand to try to take one of the beers.
"Not a chance, kiddo." Lilith replied while moving the beer away from K.C.
"Aww, cmon! 14 is the new 21!" K.C. said loudly while displaying an angry pouting face.
"No, it isn't." Lilith said with party-pooping strictness (Lolz, poop… okay, I'll shut up now.)
"Hey, you didn't say anything when I had some whiskey at the Rotgut Distillery." Gaige pointed out.
"Damn it, Gaige. I thought we agreed never to mention it again." Lilith snapped.
"Hey hey fellas. Don't worry about missing out. You still get to try on some of my wonderful creations." Monty said kindly as he gently put down the bag.
"What do you have there?" Gaige asked curiously.
"Heh. Rakk jerky and cool mint tea." Monty said as he opened up the bag, revealing that it is indeed filled with rakk jerky in small bite-size pieces.
"Ooh, rakk jerky. A delicacy on Pandora." Salvador commented with slight anticipation. "Usually, it tastes like leather, though. Only those with good teeth and stomach could truly enjoy it." Salvador's comment made some people feel slight disgust and nervousness.
"I wouldn't be so sure about that." Mordecai added. "I've tried Monty's cooking and, believe me when I say it, he can make anything taste good."
"Well, there is only one way to find out." Gaige said with slight nervousness as she and a couple of the other vault hunters approach the bag of jerky. She shrugged a little before taking a bite out of a piece of the jerky. What she tasted amazed her. There was an overflowing of flavor within each bite of the jerky. It's so savory, yet provides a unique spiciness, saltiness, and sweetness all mixed together. She could have sworn she never had tasted jerky so delicious in her entire life.
"OMG! It's so good!" Gaige said as she is basically stuffing her cheeks with the awesome jerky. "I could have sworn I've never tasted jerky so delicious in my entire life!"
The others were intrigued as they proceed to take a bite at the jerky as well. They realized Gaige was right and that the jerky was so good, it might make you jizz your pants. (Sorry if this description was in bad taste.)
"Mmm, you're right." Axton added. "This is really good. Are you sure you actually made it and didn't just bought it from somewhere?"
"No estoy de acuerdo (I disagree), I know what rakk taste like, and this is definitely it. They don't usually sell rakk meat outside of Pandora and I can't recall any rakk meat sold around here that taste this good. What's your secret?" Salvador said while amazed.
"Heh, just the right amount of ingredients and the precise method of smoking." Monty said with a friendly smile. "Once you tested enough flavors of different ingredients at different conditions, you sorta get a feel of what works and what doesn't. For the ingredients, I used some that are commonly found in the kitchen as well as some found exclusively on Pandora. As well as the typical stuff like garlic, vinegar, salt, and pepper, I've also used the seeds of firemelons for spiciness and honey of varkids for sweetness."
"Varkids make honey?" Gaige asked shockingly.
"Even I don't know that." Salvador added shockingly.
"Well, varkids usually keep their storage of honey someplace safe, like underground." Monty explained. "You have to know precisely where to look to find them. If you haven't noticed, there are actually three types of jerky in the bag: salty flavored, sweet flavored, and spicy flavored, each with slightly different coloring. You're welcome to try them all."
"Ooh really?! I want to try!" Gaige said with eyes sparking with excitement.
"Hey! Save some for the rest of us!" Mama Jaws said as more and more vault hunters gather around the bag to grab handfuls of the delicious jerky.
"Hell yeah! Jerky is the gift of gods and the snack of REAL MEN!" K.C. said loudly as he is trying to get himself some jerky for him and Tina. "One shall not get to live and die without experience tasting jerky of EXTREME excellence, TO THE EXTREME!"
"Alright! After what I've been through, I could eat a whole bag of this stuff." Brick said excitedly as he chomps on the jerky by the handful.
"I am curious, Mr. Jakobs." Xiao Lan said cheerfully as she approaches Monty. "You said something about smoking. Last time I remembered, we don't have a smoker in the airship's kitchen."
"Oh, I just made a makeshift smoker using an empty barrel drum, which are easily to find on Pandora, apparently." Monty explained. "As for smoking fuel, I used the wood that is stripped from all the Jakobs guns I found lying around."
"Wooh, you use wood from Jakobs gun stocks to smoke these? Isn't wood like really expensive?" Axton said with awe.
"Eeh, don't worry about it. The Jakobs corporation has wood harvesting areas all over the galaxy. When I joined the corporate vault hunt event, they gave me a bunch load of guns that I rarely need to use anyway, so might as well use them to cook something delicious, am I right?" Monty said kindly.
As some of the vault hunters are busy stuffing their cheeks with jerky, others went to try some of the mint tea from the faucet barrel.
"Hey, you guys. Try some of this mint tea." Maya said as after she took a sip from her cup of mint tea. "It's really refreshing." As Maya's words intrigued the vault hunters to shift their attention towards the barrel of tea, Maya was also in the process of grabbing an extra cup of mint tea and handfuls of jerky to share it with Krieg, which Krieg gladly accepted.
"I SHALL ENJOY THE MEAT OF CANCER LIKE I ENJOY SUCKING SPINAL FLUID OUT OF A GOLIATH'S SPINE!" Krieg blabbered as he sit down on the floor and partially remove his masks to enjoy the delicacies.
"Well, that's one way to say you like it." Maya said with a raised eyebrow and a light smile, seemingly glad that Krieg is enjoying himself like the rest of the people in the bar.
Almost everybody is enjoying themselves as they chat cheerfully while consuming the delicacies. Some, however, remains to stay relatively cool and anti-social. Selena, especially, haven't made any attempt to eat or drink anything or socialize with anyone as she only continues to lay her back against the wall broodingly. At the very least, Kazuki and Zer0 are having a conversation.
"Aren't you going to eat, Zer0-sensei?" Kazuki said politely.
"You already know/ I lack need for consumption/Of food and water." Zer0 said in his signature neutral tone of voice. "What about yourself?/ Eat or drink or chat with friends/ You seem too quiet."
"I am fine. I am raised in a dignified lifestyle and will not consume their offered meals, despite of their rumors of excellent taste." Kazuki said with equivalent neutrality and coolness in her voice. "Also, I fail to see the need of association with these people beyond simple agreement to coordinate on the same mission in hand."
"You have changed little/ Face of beauty and colors/ But gray from within" Zer0 said.
That sentence has somehow caused a slight sting to Kazuki's emotions, despite of knowing Zer0's lack of intention for insulting her. Somehow, Kazuki feels like an outsider among the group as she sees how the social connection between the Crimson Raiders and the corporate vault hunters went from ice cold to affectionately warm in mere minutes. Zer0's words have caused Kazuki to quietly reconsider her place within the group. As the group of rowdy vault hunters are about to finish up some of their snacks, they are ordered by Lilith to get back to their seats.
"Alright, people. Settle down. Snack time's over." Lilith said gently to everyone as she claps her hands to get their attention. Everybody were now going back to their seats and grabbing handfuls of whatever's left of the jerky as well as a cup of mint tea as they prepare for story time. "Time for some background information sharing, if you will. K.C., do us the honor of going first."
"AAALLLRRRIIIGGGHHHTTT!" K.C. yelled excitedly as he climbs and stands on one of the tables and doing an exaggerated pose. "Listen up people, and listen up GOOD! The epic tale of the awesomely EXTREME coming-of-age teenager and his more awesomely EXTREME coming-of-age tiny little girl! For the universe does not begin with a whimper, but with a BANG, so with a BANG, I shall let out the farts and burps which contains the gases of elements which makes real men REAL MEN! Extremeness! Radicalness! Aggressiveness! Outrageousness! And Explosive-"
"Get to the point, kid. We're not here to listen to you explain the creation of the universe. Make it snappy." Lilith said while being slightly annoyed.
"*Gasp* How could you?! The creation of the universe was EXTREMELY interesting and educational! I saw a documentary on it once!" K.C. said loudly while feeling offended.
"Yay! K.C.! Wooh!" Tina cheered loudly using both hands to magnify her voice as she looked up at K.C. while sitting comfortably on the ground. Afterwards, she uses her hands to throw showers of kisses at K.C., which makes K.C. blush a little.
"*Clears throat* Anyway, it all started about 3 years ago, in my home planet of Hephaestus, when I was just a younger teenager living a simple but EXTREME life…" K.C. said loudly but thoroughly as he uses his exaggerated hand gestures to emphasize his words. The story then fades into a flashback.
Within the planet of Hephaestus, there is a small suburban home. It wasn't that extravagant, merely two to three stories tall, slanted roof, plain colors, moderately-sized lawn, etc. With the weather being sunny, clear skies, and with a light breeze, there is this inherent tranquility among the place.
BOOOOOM!
And … that tranquility is broken.
The explosion seems to come from the backyard of the house, where there is some smoke, a couple of broken pieces of machinery lying around, and a huge hole on the back wall of the house. When the smoke is cleared, what is revealed appears to be a certain EXTREME teenager.
"Damn it! The testing was a failure!" K.C. said loudly and with disappointment.
In the flashback, he appears to be a little younger and shorter as well as having slightly shorter ginger dreadlock hair. However, his appearance is largely similar to that of the present day: light tan skin, lean and muscular build, wide and shiny white-teeth grin, shoulder-level ginger dreadlocks. He also appears to be wearing a red bandana that covers most of top part of his head, sunglasses, white tank top with dirt stains, baggy dark-blue jeans, and orange-and-gray sneakers. As he regains his composure from what appears to be a MOTHERF*CKIN EXPLOSION (… motherf*cker!), he grabs an ECHO recorder from nearby and began to record some of his words.
"Testing attempt number I don't f*ckin care anymore for the Super Awesome Extreme Mega Ultra Epic Bacon-wrapped Mortar! The attempt was a motherf*ckin failure! The mortar that took me two weeks to build has been utterly DESTROYED! The moment I tried to fire it, it literally blew up in my face! Maybe the explosive regulation system was improperly calibrated! Maybe the welding of the metal was too weak! Or maybe I literally wrapped the entire goddamn thing with BACON! Who the f*ck knows?!" K.C. said loudly before angrily throwing the ECHO recorder onto the ground. He then proceeds to pick up a piece of charred bacon from the ground nearby and eats it. "Maybe I should try jerky next time! Or steak! Wonder if I have enough money for that large amount of steak?!"
Suddenly, K.C. hears a car pulling over in the garage of his house. K.C. proceeds to walk towards the living room, which is directly connected to the door that leads to the garage. As K.C. stands tall and proud on one of the couches, he patiently waits to meet and greet the person who is about to walk through that garage door. The door opened as we see who the person was. It was a tall, dark-skinned, broad-shouldered man of moderate muscular build. His hairstyle is a black buzz cut. His eyes are dark-brown covered with black-framed glasses and has a fierce and stern look on his face. He is wearing a light-blue long-sleeved dress shirt, dark gray pants, and black loafers. The moment he walked through the door, he scanned the surrounding area, taking note of the large hole on the wall of his house and K.C. standing on the sofa like cocky dumbass (Lolz, cocks and ass … umm, ignore that.) K.C. stares down to look at the man before delivering his epic speech.
"Greetings, fellow man! It is my honor to welcome you to my luxurious home! For the universe does not begin with a whimper but with a BANG, I shall begin my tour of the house with the utmost amount of EXTREME AWESOMENESS!" K.C. said loudly but somewhat politely to the man as he uses hand gestures to emphasize his words. "Here to the left, you'll see what appears to be a large hole on the wall that is left there on purpose and definitely not a result of a failed testing experiment …"
Before K.C. could finish his speech, the man took a deep breath to let out a tired sigh. Then he proceeds to walk briskly towards K.C. before … delivering a hook punch to K.C. face so hard and strong that it causes K.C. to spin and bounce wildly at various locations of the living room in a slapstick manner before finally landing on the ground while barely conscious. The man then stands next to K.C. and proceed to speak.
"What have I told you about making a mess to the house … son?" the man said in a stern but angry tone.
"Bwahahahahaha! Ahahaha …" Gaige was practically laughing her ass off, interrupting K.C.'s storytelling. Everyone else now focuses their attention to Gaige as she just couldn't seem to stop laughing. After a brief while, Gaige finally regains her composure before commenting on the story so far.
"I'm sorry, but I just can't help but relate to you in some way. I mean, I used to wreck my house with my radical experiments all the time when I was little. But my parents would always forgive me." Gaige said with a light smile. "Couldn't BELIEVE that any father would do that to their son, even with that happening."
"You should be ashamed of yourself, K.C. Finding a good home is difficult enough already in this tough economy. Who knows what were the costs in damages that you racked up in your crazy experiments?" Brandon said in a nervous but lecturing tone, prompting K.C. to react with crossed arms and a disagreeing frown.
"Now I understand where his violent behavior originated from." Patrick said sternly, reminiscing his interview with K.C. a while back. "Sort of makes me comforting that I am not the only one at the receiving end of the stick."
"What do you mean by that?" Gaige asked with a raised eyebrow as she looked at Patrick and the camera crew.
"You don't need to know." Xiao Lan replied with an innocent smile.
"I know, right?! I mean my dad's punches are something special! I can still feel it making a dent to my face, even until now! That and along with a hundred different punches and kicks at a hundred different locations on my body at a hundred different occasions when I destroyed his home and property at a hundred different ways!" K.C. said loudly, like it wasn't that big of a deal for him at all.
"Huh, a man who can punch that hard? I'd like to meet him sometime." Brick considered while rubbing his chin.
"Oh, poor K.C. getting a boo boo…" Tina said sympathetically, before going up near K.C.'s face and gently hold on to his face with both her hands and placing several light kisses at various parts of his face. Everyone around who is seeing this moderately adores the bond between K.C. and Tina right now.
"Thanks Tina! I'm okay now!" K.C. said loudly but gratefully to Tina.
"Anyway, son of the year, please continue." Lilith said kindly but sarcastically.
"Okay, so where was I …?" K.C. said loudly as Tina resumed to her seat on the floor.
"Owww … uh, I mean …AHA! I knew you were going to throw that punch, so I purposely hardened my face with the power of my EXTREME AWESOMENESS to counter your punch!" K.C. said loudly as he gets back up and gently rubs his bruised face as an attempt to make it feel less painful, because, as a matter-of-fact, that punch was extremely painful.
"*Sigh* Casey, clean up the mess or you won't have dinner." K.C.'s dad said with a mixture of annoyance and stern while facepalming before pointing a finger at the hole in the wall while staring fearsomely at K.C.
"Grrrrrrr! For the last motherf*cking time, my name is K.C., not Casey!" K.C. said loudly while stomping angrily on the ground.
"That's what I said, Casey." K.C.'s dad said with even more annoyance in his tone of voice.
"Noooo! I'm certain that you are saying my name like it it's made of five letters instead of two, starts with a C instead of a K, and has the consistency of wet noodles instead of tough, lean, and mean jerky!" K.C. said loudly and angrily. "Also, if you really respect me, you'll say my name with 'Dynamo' at the end, as in 'K.C. Dynamo, the most EXTREME badass motherf*cker in the entire universe!"
"Your birth certificate doesn't say anything about adding that word, so you are just going to have to deal with it." K.C.'s dad said with stern anger.
"Screw you and your apparent stick-up-you-anus, DAD!" K.C. replied loudly and angrily.
"*Sigh* …" K.C.'s dad tries to take moment to formulate words to calm and control K.C. "… Your mother gave you that name, Casey. Do you really want to disrespect her like that?" K.C.'s dad said, now with a slightly sadder tone than before without losing assertion.
Indeed, that one statement has caused K.C. to become silent, even for a while, for he hates to look back to the memories of what happened to the woman who is his esteemed mother and also the beloved wife of K.C.'s dad. During his brief moment of silence, he turns his head slightly to look at a picture frame in the living room, one of which contains a family photo. The photo reveals a very young K.C., his dad, and his mother all grouped together looking perfectly happy as it seems. K.C.'s mother appears to be a middle-aged woman with long wavy ginger hair, light-toned skin with a healthy glow, and a warm smile. In the picture, she also seems to be holding the young K.C. very affectionately, which implies they were very close. After that brief moment of reminiscence, K.C. snapped back to reality, feeling frustration once more.
"Grrrrr! Why do you have to remind me of Mom?!" K.C. said loudly as he pointed an incriminating finger at his dad. "Fine! I'll clean up the place like you asked …"
While K.C. proceed to gather tools to clean up the mess he made with disgruntlement, K.C.'s dad proceeds to quietly prepare tonight's dinner. All of a sudden, a loud cracking sound of hardwood was heard by both of them inside the house. The sound seems to originate from the front door of the house, so both of them walked there to take a look. Apparently, the front door of the house seems to be smashed open from the outside and the culprit of the act was none other than … Mister Torgue!
"That wooden door tried to get in my way! I tried to kindly ask it to step aside, but then I was like F*CK IT and kicked the door open like I kicked back … IT INVOLVES BREAKING OF THE BACKS OF ACTUAL PEOPLE!" Mister Torgue said loudly and awesomely as he follows it up with exaggerated hand gestures, like a REAL BADASS MOTHERF*CKER. "Anyway, hello there, Peter, my BFF! Also, HELLO THERE, GODSON!"
"GOD DAD!" K.C. yelled back as he practically tackled Mister Torgue while trying to give him an affectionate hug. To be fair, with Mister Torgue's heavy muscular build, he'll probably crush K.C.'s bones while giving him a hug back. Regardless, it was still a very touching moment … aside from the door being literally wrecked apart.
"Your dad and Mister Torgue are best friends and Mister Torgue is your godfather?" Lilith asked with mild skepticism to reconfirm.
"Why am I not surprised …?" Mordecai added with casual monotone.
"Heh. I knew my instincts were correct! Hard to believe that one of the corporate vault hunters was actually someone as awesome and badass as this kid right here." Brick praised K.C. before offering a fist bump to K.C. "Give it to me, bro!"
"Aww yeah! That sure is some nice fisting!" K.C. said loudly as he enthusiastically return Brick's fist bump.
"Wait a minute. We met with Mister Torgue a couple of times during the last few months." Gaige said curiously. "He never mentioned he had a godson."
"Actually he did." Maya refuted. "Don't you remember the countless number of times he told us about it?"
The Crimson Raiders and the six vault hunters all tried to go back to their past memories to try to remember any of the mention of Mister Torgue having a godson. It was a combination of that time the six vault hunters met Mister Torgue in the Badass Crater of Badassitude, that time when Mister Torgue was invited to play at Tiny Tina's game of Bunkers and Badasses, and that time the six vault hunters were invited by Mister Torgue to go to Gluttony Gulch.
There was this time when the six vault hunters suddenly got an ECHO message from Mister Torgue for the first time to come to the Badass Crater of Badassitude.
[Hello, vault hunters!] Mister Torgue said loudly through the ECHO. [I welcome you to come to the Badass Crater of Badassitude to kick some BADASSES! Also, I have an EXTREMELY AWESOME godson! His name is Casey Daleson, but he doesn't like to be called that and instead want to be called K.C. 'Dynamo' Daleson, which is TOTALLY FREAKIN' AWESOME! He's 14 right now, is good with handling explosives, and is MOTHERF*CKIN' EXTREME! Alright, I gotta go! See ya in the Torgue arena!]
Then there was this time where Mister Torgue was chatting with Tina on all kinds of stuff about K.C. during Tina's stay in the Badass Crater of Badassitude. Mister Torgue and Tina were at a room somewhere in the arena building having a tea party.
"So K.C. just totally blew up the house this one time and his dad had to pay for all the damages and later gave K.C. a lecture and a MAJOR SPANKING! The spank took FOUR HOURS! He was eight at the time!" Mister Torgue said loudly as he was pouring tea to Tina's cup while sitting comfortably on a chair a couple of sizes too small for him.
"AHAHAHAHAH! That is so like K.C.! There was this one time when K.C. and I had to share the same bathroom at a bandit camp in the middle of nowhere. He was eating nothing but meat for a couple of weeks and is really constipated and ended up using our last supply of toilet paper." Tina replied with a fair amount of enthusiasm as she proceeds to stuff her mouth with a plate of chocolate chip cookies (That's right! REAL chocolate chip cookies! Not that raisin oatmeal bullsh*t!). "I was so mad at him for that, but I eventually forgive him. He is a dumbass, but also so GODDAMN ADORABLE!"
Then there was this one time when Tina and Mister Torgue were chatting about K.C. during the game of Bunkers and Badasses.
"If K.C. was here, he would totally kick ass in this game. His class would be the explosive teenager, his weapon of choice would be mortars that shoot meatballs, and his stats in the precise amount of f*cks given would be precisely zero." Tina said casually during the game.
"I know right?! Oh yeah, did we tell you guys about K.C. Dynamo?! He's my godson, and also Tina's BFF, and also TOTALLY FREAKIN' EXTREME! It's such a freakin' coincidence that we happen to have someone we both know, am I right?!" Mister Torgue said loudly to Lilith, Mordecai, and Brick, who were all also currently playing the game with them. Lilith, Mordecai, and Brick responded by looking at each other with raised eyebrows, as if having no idea what they are talking about.
Then there was this one time when Mister Torgue made a comment right after the six vault hunters killed the Ravenous Wattle Gobbler in Gluttony Gulch.
"ALRIGHT! It's such a shame that K.C. wasn't here to enjoy this! If he were here, he would have devoured that Gobbler in like 2 seconds!" Mister Torgue said loudly over at the loudspeakers. "Oh yeah, did I mention that I have a godson?! Whose name is K.C. Dynamo?! Who's really REALLY EXTREME?! REMEMBER HIM!"
Then there were like a bazillion other times when K.C. was mentioned with EXTREME emphasis.
"K.C.!"
"Dynamo!"
"Daleson!"
"Motherf*cker!"
"EXTREME!"
"Explooooooooooooosions!"
"Maaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnn squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeze~ …"
"CONSTIPATED!"
"REMEMBER HIM!"
"Hey, did I mention …?"
"! #$%^&*&^%$# ! ..."
The funny thing about memory is that you can be overloaded to such an extreme with information about one person that the brain will start to say "Screw it." and automatically delete everything.
Now that the Crimson Raiders and the six vault hunters finish digging into their memories, their focus snap back to reality, for they have realized that it is really true that both Mister Torgue and Tina HAVE mentioned about K.C. to them, albeit with extreme excessiveness. However, now that they think about it, suddenly admitting that you have such a messed up memory bank really makes you feel like an idiot. So they did what was necessary.
"Yeeeeeaaaaahhh, doesn't ring a bell." Gaige said with shifting eyes while scratching one of her ears, indicating embarrassment and denial.
"Nope, never heard of you in my entire life." Axton said with pretty much the same expression of embarrassment and denial.
"Hmm, wait a minute. Now that I think about it, I do remember- mphmpmhpmphm…" Salvador tries to say before being forcefully muffled by both Axton and Gaige. Lilith, Maya, and the others simply roll their eyes at the acts of idiocy they see in front of them.
"WHAT?! Grrrrrrrrrr! God dad never mentioned me to anyone in this room?! I feel so hurt! Grrrrrr!" K.C. said loudly but disappointingly as he sobbed for a little while before returning to his usual cheerful and explosive personality. "Ah whatever, that is not important right now! What is important is the lengthy backstory that I am not even close to finishing yet! Now, where was I …?"
"Mister Torgue." K.C.'s dad (we're calling him Peter from now on, since that's his name) said with moderate anger and annoyance. "How many times have I told you NOT to kick down my door whenever you enter my house? Haven't you heard of a doorbell? Or a doorknob?"
"Screw doorbells and doorknobs! Kicking down the door is SO much more AWESOME!" Mister Torgue said loudly as he releases K.C. from the hug and emphasizes his words with two anarchy hand signs. "They should make that a standard in entering people's houses!"
"I know right?! I'm gonna train my leg muscles just so I could kick down doors with ease, like a BADASS MOTHERF*CKER!" K.C. said loudly and proudly. Peter could only react at the two moronic duo with tired sigh and a facepalm.
"Anyway, I'm cooking dinner. What do you want to eat?" Peter said as he heads to the kitchen.
"I'll have 20lbs of bacon sizzled and sprinkled with black gunpowder, preferably fine-grained!" K.C. said loudly. "Don't give me it with smokeless powder! That stuff is bullsh*t and you know it!"
"I'll have steak marinated with nitroglycerin!" Mister Torgue added. "It's a recipe worthy of a Nobel Prize!"
[Fun Fact: The idea of the Nobel Prize was first established by Alfred Nobel, who also invented dynamite, which was made of nitroglycerin.]
[Also, don't actually cook and eat explosive material or do any dangerous acts based on the stuff you read here. I don't want to get sued.]
"Beef and broccoli and pepper steak mixed with a large bowl of fried rice. Got it." Peter said monotonously and sarcastically, clearly not falling for their immense idiocy.
"Eww! I don't wanna eat broccoli! They are vegetables, which grow from the ground, which is fertilized by poop, which is why they taste like butt!" K.C. complained loudly.
"Casey, you're eating the vegetables or you're not eating at all. Period." Peter replied with a serious tone.
"Don't worry, K.C.! I'll suffer the vegetables apocalypse with you! That's what godfathers and godsons do!" Mister Torgue said loudly.
"You're the man, god dad!" K.C. said loudly and approvingly as he and Mister Torgue exchange a manly high-five handshake.
After all is said and done, Peter, K.C. and Mister Torgue are sitting at the dinner table together eating their dinner. As they eat, they also engaged in small talk.
"Oh, by the way, have you heard from the company?! We are sending a team to Pandora! Apparently, they are setting up a weapons testing facility there and also might have a chance to set up a badass fighting arena sponsored by Torgue!" Mister Torgue said loudly.
"Pandora?" Peter said with intrigue. "Isn't Pandora currently being taken over by Hyperion? I heard about it on the news. Apparently, the CEO of Hyperion, Handsome Jack, is a bit of a genocidal maniac. Won't establishing a facility on Pandora be creating conflict between Hyperion and Torgue?"
"Yeah, well SCREW Hyperion and Handsome Jack!" Mister Torgue said angrily. "We're building it there and we are not giving two f*cks about it! If they want to go to war with us, they'll have to deal with my AWESOME SPECTACULAR PECS!"
"Yeah! I'm also developing my own awesome set of pecs, god dad! Check this out!" K.C. said loudly before taking off his shirt to reveal his awesome pecs.
"Casey, don't take off your shirt while eating dinner. Put it back on." Peter demanded. K.C. reluctantly followed his demand.
"Also, I heard Pandora is full of bandits and dangerous wildlife, which is perfect for a certain coming-of-age teenager to travel and explore! For one shall not call himself a man without exploring dangerous and treacherous lands!" K.C. said loudly, clearly indicating he wants to go to motherf*ckin Pandora.
"Casey, you're not going to Pandora." Peter said strictly.
"Aww cmon!" K.C. complained loudly.
"Yeah, Peter! Letting the kid go to Pandora with my team can be a good learning experience to K.C.!" Mister Torgue convinced loudly.
"No." Peter denied.
"He'll be carefully watched by my guys over there! There won't be any harm done to him!" Mister Torgue convinced loudly.
"No." Peter denied.
"Peter, he's a smart and energetic kid with enough skills and knowledge on explosives to become one of the BEST explosives expert in the GALAXY!" Mister Torgue convinced louder than before.
"He's an 11 year-old boy who should be going to school and getting an education instead of roaming around in the sh*t-filled wasteland that is Pandora! I am NOT letting Casey go there! I don't care if we've been friends for a long time; you are NOT going to convince me otherwise!" Peter shouted strictly.
There is a brief moment of awkward silence before someone said something.
"Wait, didn't I got expelled from school?! So, technically, I have the time to go to a trip like that!" K.C. said loudly.
"Casey, go to your room." Peter demanded strictly.
"But, I haven't finished dinner-" K.C. said loudly.
"I said go to your room, NOW!" Peter demanded with even more strictness.
Even though K.C. and Mister Torgue were loudmouths compared to Peter, to actually hear Peter speak in a loud and serious tone frightens them. Once the quiet and uptight Peter actually raises his voice, you know he's dead serious and you do not want to go against his demands. After what Peter said, K.C.'s face expresses mild sadness and disappointment before he slowly walks back to his room upstairs.
"Hey, don't be so hard on the kid, man! He's still a kid!" Mister Torgue said loudly while still trying to maintain a low volume.
"He lacks discipline and modesty. I don't care how good his skills in explosives are, he is going to get himself killed on Pandora. I can guarantee you that." Peter said with a low and harsh tone.
As K.C. got back to his room and closes the door, his previous sad expression slowly transforms into an expression of mischievous anticipation and excited happiness.
"F*ck my dad with a hot dog up his ass." K.C. said with a low but excited voice. "I'm going to Pandora."
"Mmm, hot dogs. I've seen them on the ECHOnet but I've never actually tried one before." Mama Jaws interrupted.
"May I suggest that you refrain from mentioning things with vulgar implications revolving around the story?" Kazuki said politely and with mild disgust. "Besides, I doubt you'll be missing much. Hot dogs are not that delectable to begin with."
"I'm not so sure about that." Monty interjected. "With the right ingredients and methods, anything can become delicious. Hot dogs are no exception."
"Wooh! Hot dogs up the *sshole!" Tina cheered at K.C. before giving him a high-five. "Now that's what I'm talkin, home boy!"
"So you disobeyed your strict father in order to come to Pandora for the adventure of a 'man'." Lilith said with arms crossed. "Gotta say, that took some guts."
"Yeah, especially when coming on a bandit-riddled and beast-infested place like Pandora." Mordecai added. "And especially when Hyperion is controlling most of the area at that time. I'm surprised you're still alive to tell the tale."
"So, what happens next?" Brick said excitedly. "I wanna know more."
"Well, naturally, in order to go to Pandora, I need to get away from my dad. So I tried to do that in the stealthiest and with most finesse way possible." K.C. said as he continued his story.
It was morning in the next day at K.C.'s house. Peter seems confused that K.C. is sleeping in later than usual, for he always wakes up early in order to give everyone around him a wake-up call straight from the birth of the universe. So Peter walked towards K.C.'s room and opened the door. What he saw surprised him. Inside the room is K.C. sitting proudly on a homemade rocket. The rocket is about a couple meters long, about a meter wide in diameter, held up by a stand and pointed 45 degrees towards the ceiling of the room and pointed straight at the room's window. There is also some crude graffiti paint on the rocket that, when looked closely, clearly said "So long, *sshole dad!" (… charming…)
"For the universe begins with a bang, I shall begin my morning to the most EXTREME of the most EXTREME!" K.C. said loudly as he is crossing his arms while sitting on the large rocket in his room facing away from Peter.
"Casey …" Peter said to K.C. with a low but threatening tone.
"A man must do what a man must do!" K.C. said loudly as he turns his back to face Peter with a confident smile and a thumbs-up.
"Casey …" Peter said, now with a rising voice and an even more threatening tone, as if he is on the brink of losing his temper.
"So long, dad! Off to Pandora I gooooo!" K.C. said loudly while pumping a fist in the air.
Almost immediately, the rocket takes off at an incredible speed, crashing the window of the room open and taking K.C. soaring through the sky. Peter could barely have time to stop this nonsense, so when the dust has settled, he had finally lost the last miniature shred of his temper.
"CAAAAASEEEEEY!" Peter yelled angrily on the top of his lungs.
"Stealth and finesse, huh?/ Not among my principles/ You disappoint me." Zero interjected.
"Oh what do you know?! My level of EXTREME AWESOMENESS in my method of escape was totally AWESOME! To the EXTREME!" K.C. said loudly.
"Oh boy, I can tell the next part is going to be good." Gaige whispered to Axton and the others with anticipation.
"So you literally constructed a rocket overnight and rode it all the way to Torgue HQ to hitch a ride to Pandora with Mister Torgue on board." Lilith said incredulously. "Honestly, I'm surprised that you're even alive at this point. Are you sure you're not making even half of this stuff?"
"How dare you doubt my SUPER AWESOME EXTREME HONESTY AND MODESTY in exactly every word I say?!" K.C. said loudly while feeling slightly offended. "I swear to the creation of the universe that I am not making sh*t up!"
"Fine, fine, whatever. Just continue your story." Lilith said casually.
"Okay! So I finally got off the rocket and into Torgue HQ, meet up with god dad, took off to Pandora without my dad ever having a chance to stop me, and hence my first step onto motherf*ckin Pandora!" K.C. said loudly.
K.C. finally took his first step on Pandora. It was a bright and sunny day with clear skies, and a light breeze. The surrounding terrain consists of an open desert-like field with small twirls of dust and sand moving with the wind. At the far distance, you can see the moderately tall and dark-gray mountains and canyons fusing naturally with desert sand. There is barely anyone or anything around that stands out as hospitable or interesting, except for the dozens of Torgue airships, hundreds of supply crates, and thousands of Torgue personnel that surrounds K.C. at the moment.
"Man, what a planet! With all the open space, and the bright sun, and the awesomely fresh air!" K.C. said loudly before taking a deep breath of the air around him and then forcefully coughs a couple of times. Perhaps the air was not so fresh after all. In fact, if you smell it more carefully, you can smell hints of odor derived from burnt human flesh mixed with feces.
"Gross …" Gaige interrupted monotonously.
"Gaige, you've been on Pandora for a long time. You should have noticed that by now." Maya added.
"Yeah, but not how he would have described it." Gaige said with slight disgust.
"I was born and raised on Pandora and I don't smell the air any different." Salvador said.
"That's because your nose has been desensitized. Even if we brought you a pile of skag crap right in front of your face, you wouldn't smell it." Axton added with snark.
"Hey! I take offense to that." Salvador said while being slightly offended.
"Relax, big guy. When living on some place like Pandora, having a uniquely bad sense of smell is probably a good thing." Gaige added.
" *Clears throat* Anyway …!" K.C. said as he attempted to continue his story.
"So, how do you like Pandora so far?!" Mister Torgue said as he gently patted a hand onto K.C.'s shoulder.
"It was … AWESOME!" K.C. shouted on the top of his lungs as he pumps both of his fists up in the air. "This is going to be it, god dad! My rite of passage of becoming a true MAN! To traverse the unforgiving wasteland of Pandora and do all sorts of crazy sh*t just so that I could tell the stories to my children and have them tell stories to their children and so on, and after a couple generations, everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, will know of the tale of the AWESOME SPECTACULAR and most definitely EXTREME MAN in the existence of the UNIVERSE!"
"Ha! That's supremely excellent! Now, I've got some stuff to take care of with Torgue management, so just stay put and try not to get yourself lost!" Mister Torgue said loudly.
"Ha … wait, what?! Stay put?! Not getting myself lost?! I thought coming here was to get lost on Pandora! That's the whole point!" K.C. said loudly and shockingly.
"Yeah, well I only agreed to bring you on Pandora as long as you stay put and stay safe and don't get split up with the rest of the group!" Mister Torgue said loudly. "Your dad is already pissed that I brought you along! If I let you out of my sight, he will most definitely kill me! Quite literally! I mean do you know who you are talking to?! I'm Mister MOTHERF*CKIN Torgue High Five MOTHERF*CKIN Flexington! I am in the business of selling the raw essence of EXPLOSIONS itself! My burp is a sonic-boom and my fart is a Manhattan project! And even I am scared of your dad! I only brought you here due to the goodwill between you and me over the years and also to prove that you dad has absolutely nothing to worry about me bring you here! Now be a good kid and stay put and try not to walk away or something!"
"Grrrrrrrrrrr! F*ck this sh*t!" K.C. said loudly and angrily as he kicks the sand under his shoe in frustration and walks off.
As K.C. walks towards somewhere shadier to sit in today's hot and sunny Pandoran weather, Mister Torgue goes off to organize the various tasks in the establishment and construction of the Torgue facility.
"So, Hyperion hasn't made a direct confrontation yet?!" Mister Torgue said loudly to some secretary woman as he walks briskly around the base.
"No, sir. I assume that Hyperion sees Torgue as a rival competitor with relatively equal power and doesn't want to stir up unnecessary trouble when confronting us. Handsome Jack probably won't make a move anytime soon." the secretary said while walking briskly behind Mister Torgue.
"Good! Keep me updated on the Hyperion situation! Let me know when there are any major changes!" Mister Torgue said loudly, to which the secretary nodded and walked away.
Afterwards, Mister Torgue came across a group of soldiers in Torgue uniform just sitting lazily on top of a pile of crates. They are supposed to be mercenaries hired officially by Torgue to run security during this trip. But because there seems to be almost no threats coming their way at the moment, they seem relatively bored. One of the guys has white skin, a goatee beard, and brunette short hair on top of a relatively average height and build and lazy eyes.
"Hello, Brad! How's it hanging for you and your security guys?!" Mister Torgue greeted them loudly but friendly.
"You already know it, boss. There isn't an insect even coming near our camp to bite us in the ass." the guy with the goatee (We're calling him Brad now) said with his gruff yet lazy voice. "Probably because your aura alone is enough to scare most of Pandora's wildlife and bandits away from this camp. And here I thought coming to Pandora is going to be dangerous and exciting."
"Aww, don't feel so down, Brad! I'm sure the time will come when you are going to be brutally attacked by the local bandits and wildlife here! Then you will see what it feels like to be TRULY alive!" Mister Torgue cheered loudly.
"Gee, thanks for the boost of enthusiasm, boss." Brad said lazily and sarcastically. "By the way, I saw you talking to a kid earlier. Who is he anyway?"
"Oh, that's right! You haven't met K.C.! He's Daleson's son and my godson!" Mister Torgue said loudly. "He said he wants to come to Pandora to experience the life of the wasteland and to undergo the rite of passage of becoming a man, so I brought him along for the trip!"
Gradually, Brads's expression went from lazy to nervousness to sheer horror as he slowly tries to get up and approach Mister Torgue more closely.
"Daleson?! As in THE Peter Daleson, the God of Explosives?!" Brad said nervously. "Oh my God! Does … does he know you brought his son here? Did he give you permission?!"
"Well, no! Of course not! K.C. wanted to come here but Peter wouldn't let him, so I snuck K.C. on board!" Mister Torgue said loudly.
After Brad heard that, he is practically tearing his hair out. His eyes are wide open with fear and shock and dread and all sorts of f*cked up.
"Oh F**********CK! F*ck f*ck f*ck! #$%^&*" Brad said with dread as he was running in circles while continue to pull his hair out. "Do you have any idea what you just did, boss?! Daleson is gonna KILL us! He's gonna KILL us ALL!"
"Oh relax! As long as we keep an eye out for K.C. and make sure nothing bad happens to him during this trip, everything will be just fine!" Mister Torgue said loudly and proudly.
"I hope you're right. I don't want to die by getting obliterated into subatomic particles by explosive power equivalent to trillions of tons of TNT." Brad said with slight dread. "By the way, where is the kid?"
"…" they all responded with a momentary silence.
Suddenly, that silence was broken by an event of tremendous ridiculousness. A truck, designed with Torgue's logo and color scheme attached to it, drove by in the center of the camp and stopped near Mister Torgue and the group. The groups saw the driver inside was none other than K.C.
"Sup, agents of EXTREMENESS! Check out my ride!" K.C. said as he is casually placing one of his arms on the steering wheel and the other hanging outside of the truck window.
"K.C.! What are you doing?!" Mister Torgue said loudly and shockingly.
"What does it look like?! I'm taking off to see the real side of Pandora! Staying cooped up in this camp is SO not extreme!" K.C. replied loudly. "Alright, see you guys later! TO THE EXTREME!"
As K.C. took off to the far wastes of Pandora, Mister Torgue, Brad, and the rest of the group were all basically dumbfounded and shocked stiff in fear. Their jaws are dropped, their blood ran cold, and their eyes wide open with horror.
"*Gasp* F*******! #$%^&*KKKKKKKKK!" Brad cursed on the top of his lungs. "We gotta find him! We've GOT TO FIND HIM! FIND HIM NOW! IMMEDIATELY!"
"AGREED! WE'RE GOING AFTER HIM! WE WILL NOT EAT! WE WILL NOT SLEEP! WE WILL NOT TAKE A DROP OF YELLOW PISS OR A SPECK OF BROWN TURD UNTIL WE FIND K.C.!" Mister Torgue said at his loudest yet.
As practically the entire Torgue camp is in raw chaos, K.C. chuckled softly with excitement while driving the truck towards an unknown location and let the light breeze hit his face and dazzling ginger dreadlocks.
Back inside Moxxi's bar, K.C. is now chuckling softly as he is both telling and reminiscing that last part of the story. After he ended his chuckle, he looked around to see that literally everyone is staring at him with disbelief. Their eyes are wide open and their jaws are mildly dropped. They are also rendered emotionally speechless.
"Wow … uh … I literally don't know what to say right now." Lilith said softly with mild surprise.
"Grrrrr!" Brandon was tearing his hair out before approaching K.C. and pointing a strict lecturing finger at him. "I really can't believe there is a kid such as you in this day and age. How could you make your father worry about you like that? If my kids were to do something like this to me, I wouldn't even begin to imagine the punishment that I am going to give them. You are SO irresponsible, K.C. You should really treat your elders with more respect."
"Well, if even Mister Torgue is scared of your dad, then he must really be something." Brick said as he wondered. "Now I REALLY want to meet him."
"Hmm, Peter Daleson … I think I heard about that guy. Axton?" Eugene said smugly.
"Yeah, we both heard about him during our training at Dahl. It was a long time ago, but I think I can still remember most of the details." Axton explained. "Apparently, this Peter Daleson guy was really good with handling explosives. Some say he's one of the best, if not THE best at what he do! However, most often his work involves bomb disposal, demolitions, explosives safety, and other civilian applications dealing with explosives. That said, he understood the ins and outs of the concepts behind explosives way better than his peers. They say there is not a bomb in the universe he cannot disarm, not a building he cannot demolish, not a trace of the faintest odors of explosive chemicals he couldn't detect. There are also rumors that he is incredibly strict and pay the absolute precise attention to the most minute detail in everything. In the field of explosives, he is basically a legend."
"Heh, that is only part of the story." Eugene said smugly. "When I heard about a guy claiming to be the best of the best, I naturally start to investigate more. Apparently, long before he was a civilian explosives expert, he was a sapper or combat engineer working for the military. He went through countless battles, earned countless medals, and killed and saved countless lives. There is even a myth floating around about his involvement in the Great War of Hephaestus about 15 years ago." Eugene slowly leans closer to the center of the group so that everyone in the room could listen more closely. "They say that the war has escalated to such a high scale that one of the sides decided to use antimatter bombs as an attempt to finish the war as quickly as possible."
"You're sh*tting me!" Gaige reacted with shock. "Antimatter bombs? Their energy density is like 1000 times larger than conventional nuclear fission bombs. Even though theoretically it's very powerful, it's also extremely expensive and time-consuming to make."
"Exactly." Eugene replied with smoothness. "They are likely using it as their last resort, hoping to strategically place the bomb right into the central enemy base. They aren't planning on total annihilation, just enough to ruin the other side's morale. However, that somehow backfired."
"What? What exactly happened?" Gaige asked with ever-increasing intrigue.
"K.C.'s dad, Peter Daleson, was supposedly right at the center of that base." Eugene explained. "When the bomb hit, everything … and I mean everything … was completely and utterly destroyed." Eugene then takes a step back as he leans back to his table to continue the story. "However … his dad survived."
"You're kidding me …" Gaige said softly with shock-filled awe.
"I wish I was. Think about this for a second. This is a man-made catastrophe designed for maximum destruction and that guy survived it. What was originally intended to be an attack to morale just got turned into a momentous wave of unrelenting pride and courage, with this seemingly indestructible guy acting as a spear point." Eugene said smoothly. "Eventually, the war was won by the side with the Daleson guy on the team, and he basically became a war hero and a legend. However, the specifics of that event were still kept under wraps. How did he survive? What technology did he use? Was it all just a hoax? That largely remain a mystery. Regardless, you can bet your ass that this Daleson guy is something special."
Suddenly, the atmosphere of shocking revelation just got a lot heavier. K.C.'s dad, Peter Daleson, the supposed gifted natural at explosives, survived a catastrophic event that had killed millions? Just who the actually living f*ck is this guy? As everyone was quietly processing this incredible piece of information, K.C. head was tilted down as if he was feeling a bit over the weather. After a brief while, he lifted his head up and began to speak.
"Hey! This was supposed to be MY story! Stop cramming in my dad backstory into it!" K.C. said loudly to Eugene.
"Oh yeah. After he survived, he apparently left the military, fell in love, got married, started a family, and had a kid, who you might have already known is this little guy over here." Eugene said smugly as he gently patted K.C.'s head.
"Grrrrrr! Stop calling me little!" K.C. said loudly and angrily as both of his fists were clenched.
"Everything was going so well, right until a certain incident relating to Peter Daleson's wife, or K.C.'s mom-" Eugene said before being interrupted.
"Hey! HEY!" K.C. cut off Eugene before he aggressively grab on to his collar and look at him angrily in the face. "Keep your mouth shut about it, OKAY?! I don't want to hear a god damn word!" Everyone else was getting kind of nervous towards K.C.'s sudden aggression.
"Heh, did I hit a nerve?" Eugene said smugly. "Fine, my lips are sealed. Why don't you continue that interesting story of yours?"
K.C. slowly released Eugene's collar from his grip before he grumpily returned to standing proudly on top of a table and continue his story.
"So there I was, right in the middle of the Pandoran wasteland! Dust and sand as far as the eye can see and danger looming everywhere …!" K.C. said loudly as he continued his story.
"Why are bandits trying to kill me?!" K.C. yelled as he ran and dodge from a group of bandits firing bullets at him.
"Why are the wildlife trying to kill me?!" K.C. yelled as he ran and dodge from a group of skags and spiderants chasing after him
"Why are Hyperion robots try to kill me?!" K.C. yelled as he ran and dodge from a group of Hyperion loaders shooting at him.
After all that running and dodging, K.C. finally sat down before he realized there's a skag waste pile under him and within it lies a poor-quality Torgue rocket launcher. He picked it up and analyzed it with a raised eyebrow.
"Why is there a rocket launcher on a pile of skag sh*t?! How do skags even swallow this?!" K.C. questioned out loud. "Also … WOOHOO! A rocket launcher! From Torgue, no less! At least now, people won't try to kill me anymore!"
He is wrong. They are still trying to kill him.
K.C. has now wandered for a couple of days among the Pandoran wasteland. He is almost out of food and water and his endurance is running thin.
"*Panting* Damn it, I'm reaching my extreme limit …!" K.C. said with a loud but tired voice. "Maybe ditching god dad and coming here wasn't such a good idea …!" K.C. then slaps himself in the face before returning to a slightly more energetic mood. "Ha! What are you talking about, K.C.?! This was TOTALLY the plan! Finally, after all this time, I've been able to endure hardship and desperation in the most extreme conditions! I couldn't feel more manlier! I …" Suddenly, K.C's stomach growled loudly, interrupting his speech. "Grrrr … I'm so hungry and tired … too tired to be extreme … *Sigh* whatever. Let's just keep walking."
As he walks slowly and tiringly through the desert, a light dust storm blows over K.C., moderately blocking his view momentarily. As the dust storm slowly begins to settle, K.C. thought he saw a small and blurry figure at the far distance. Is it an animal? Is it a bandit? Is it something else entirely? K.C. is still trying to figure out as he focuses his dried eyes even harder. Then, when the dust storm settles, K.C. got a clearer image of the figure in front of him as it seems to be moving closer to him. It was a small humanoid figure who was also walking slowly and tiringly like he was. It was about the same height as he was, but slightly skinnier build. It was wearing a pink shirt and brown skirt with a picture of a white bunny head on its design. It was a little girl with short blonde hair, carrying a small stuffed animal bunny, and bears a sad expression on her face.
It was Tina.