Chapter 26: The second beginning
BELLA: Hi Edward it's me Bella… you know your wife. I know you're probably in a meeting with your father but I miss you and I wanted us to do something tonight, call me if you can.
It's not so much that I've quit working to follow my dream of being a full time writer that is driving me insane… that is going very well. I mean seriously who writer that is driving me insane… that is going very well. I mean seriously who knew when I finally let Edward convince me to leave my reception desk and go after my dream that I'd have so much quick success as a freelancer.
And between those articles I wrote for Cosmo and the wedding speeches for the Eduardo's and the Washington's… and of course the short story I had published I've stayed afloat quite nicely.
It's not so much the fact that I've quit working that's driving me crazy, it's not even the fact that Edward is always working either… that's not even the worst of it at all. I mean I suppose understand you know. We have permanently moved into Linksfield and we have a lifestyle to maintain now… the mortgage, the cars, he's got his dodge and I drive an Audi TT (he insisted), we have the credit cards (he insisted with that as well).
I work from home now and all my friends and cousins have things to do and the drive to Sandton is only 20 minutes away. My car is fast…
You can't get there as quickly as I can. And for those reasons, that sweet and comfortable life that I have gotten so fond of. Edward has to work to maintain us and to make sure that when the baby comes everything is set up suitably.
I mean I still see him, it's not to say he's completely scarce, he tries to make sure I don't feel neglected because of the demands of his job.
Like right now… hardly 5 minutes have gone by when he returns my call.
BELLA: Hey!
EDWARD: Hey baby I just got your message.
BELLA: Sorry I sounded a bit sarcastic just thought you were in a meeting with your father.
EDWARD: I am but I gave Victoria my cell and asked her to get me with some kind of emergency when you call. She came in saying something has happened with our dog.
BELLA: But we don't have a dog.
EDWARD: I know but Carlisle doesn't know. She's amazing hey.
BELLA: Yes Victoria is surely special. Hey did you ever thank your father for me? I know that Victoria is not really in his way but still…
I was happy that Carlisle had agreed to hire Victoria.
EDWARD: She's your friend ok and she needed your help.
BELLA: More like Chanel's friend, I've only met her like once or twice before.
EDWARD: It's okay baby it really is. So this dinner, who's making it… my wife?
BELLA: If she loves you as much as I know she does then she will dare not cook for you.
EDWARD: (Laughing) so as the perfect husband would it be my duty to cook then?
BELLA: No just to get take out. So is the wife safe in assuming the husband will be spending the night at home?
EDWARD: Yes of course that is a very safe assumption indeed. I'll just finish up here with my father and I'll be home in a short while. And taking into consideration what the doctor said to you about gaining more than 17lbs during this pregnancy…
BELLA: I want spur ribs, the greasiest and unhealthiest that you can find. You bring me some health leaves and I'll divorce you.
EDWARD: Must we head for divorce court every time I feed you healthily?
Laughter…
EDWARD: As if you even would…
BELLA: As if I ever can… even if I wanted to.
EDWARD: You must love me then.
BELLA: In my culture we call it witchcraft.
It's not so much that he's never home as much as I want him to be just as much as it's not his father, whom I am convinced adds on more responsibility to just keep him away from me. That I can always conclude to be my paranoia… I'm pregnant I cannot be blamed.
It's just… the quiet gets to me. When I have no choice of words mirrored in my notebook or Edward can't make it home because of yet another late night that Carlisle has masterminded or just when I can't shop for any more shoes that I sit and there's nothing staring back at me but the quiet… that's what gets to me because as happy as I am with Edward and the life we have manufactured, when it's quiet I always wonder what if…
It's quiet now! Edward was supposed to be home a couple of hours ago but he had to finish up some last minute work that his father gave him… no really?
Wonder what he'll do when he finds out Edward's been looking for something else.
We talked about it and this is not what he wants to do. He's still not sure but he'll wait it out till the baby is born and when he has enough money saved up then we'll go our own way. I like this plan… I like any plan that says I don't have to put up with Carlisle's aversions to me anymore than I have already.
I don't like the quiet because I always wonder and I don't want to wonder especially not tonight. I try and call Edward but it's going straight to voicemail. I can't exactly call Alice these days she's off to college… there for me still but she's got her own things to deal with and I don't want to impose.
Chanel's living with her boyfriend and we don't talk that much after work as is the case with Leeland.
You see I am wondering. Thinking about Leeland always makes me think about…
No not tonight. I am not giving in tonight. I pick up my notebook and lose myself in my book for an hour or so.
I am trying not to wait up for Edward but I keep falling into the quiet… maybe I should try and watch a movie. I didn't finish HOSTEL the other night… resume play.
It does the trick again, I have fallen asleep in the sofa in less than ten minutes.
Edwars is home an hour later. He wakes me up by kissing my forehead, I am so happy to see him I fling my arms around him. My husband's got such amazing decency… he's even brought my ribs.
BELLA: You brought the ribs.
EDWARD: Yes I found a spur open at Bedford and I had to pay an extra $200 just so they can reopen the kitchen.
BELLA: Wow… I suppose you want you want your gold medal now.
EDWARD: No gold medal just your forgiveness.
We share a kiss.
BELLA: You're forgiven.
I wake up in the middle of the night with a sharp pain in my stomach. Shit! This is the third time in a row now, this can't be good. I climb out of bed, being careful not to wake Edward and stumble onto the bathroom. I kept the painkillers in front of the counter so reaching for them is easy.
I swallow; lie down in the cold floor just trying to live through the pain. I hold my pelvic area, squirming, tossing and turning and still making sure not to wake Edward. It's not wise not to involve him but if something is wrong then I don't want him to know. So I think I'll just lay there and wait for it to subside.
I am not better in the morning but I get up and try to keep things as normal as possible despite the heavy abdominal pain that's attacking me. I make some coffee for Edward and feel relief when he says;
EDWARD: I'll get breakfast on my way to work.
He gives both me and the baby a kiss but Edward has always been able to see more than I give him credit for.
EDWARD: Are you aright you seem a bit flushed?
BELLA: No I am fine just a little tired I guess.
EDWARD: Get some rest ok. I'll come back later this morning to see how you are doing
BELLA: Ok!
I curl up between the sheets… take more painkillers and still nothing is ready to yield. Just this heavy, abdominal pain that is strong enough to slip me in and out of consciousness and no matter how hard I scream or how hard I cry it's proving to be bigger than me.
Edward hasn't been gone 15minutes when I call him.
EDWARD: Hey miss me already?
BELLA: Edward something is wrong.
EDWARD: What?
BELLA: With the baby Edward… something is wrong with the baby.
EDWARD: What do you mean something is wrong with the baby?
BELLA: Something is wrong Edward… something is wrong.
~*~
The truth of the matter is this; I don't know how to tell him this. I don't know how to tell him that I'm losing a baby… his baby; the one he's wanted more than anything since he knew it was coming. He's wanted this baby, loved it so much that he sacrificed and compromised himself, forced himself to find a middle ground with a man he didn't want to be around simply because he wanted this baby. He wanted to be the father to our baby that his father never was to him. So how do I tell him? How do I tell him that I think I'm losing the baby… his reason?
DOCTOR: Your wife is having a miscarriage Mr. Cullen.
The doctor gives Edward the bad news as I put my clothes back after my exam.
EDWARD: A miscarriage? My Bells? Are you sure?
DOCTOR: I just gave her a pelvic exam and also performed an ultra sound to confirm… your baby has no heartbeat.
It hit Edward; pushed him slowly into his chair.
EDWARD: So no baby.
DOCTOR: I'm sorry.
He let a minute or two pass, wrapping his head around the tragedy that is unfolding. He wasn't prepared for this.
EDWARD: Wow! I wasn't prepared for this… thought you'd say she got a stomachache, give her some medicine and go home but instead you're telling me we've lost our baby
Another long pause…
EDWARD: Where's Bella?
DOCTOR: She's changing back in the exam room.
EDWARD: I can see her?
DOCTOR: Think she'll appreciate you being there.
I can't look at him. I won't look at him because then I'll be forced to see it and I could never allow myself to live with it, the disappointment he feels because of me. The blame… Lord knows I can't live with the blame.
All the way home I look away from him and look out the window not because I am enjoying the scenery, it's simply because I just can't stand the disappointment. He hasn't said anything but I know what he's thinking and I can live with anything… seriously…even Jacob being gone… I can live with that…
I am living with that but I can never live with Edward's blame… I can never forgive myself.
My body is weak and my knees are shaking plus the violent ache inside my chest is pressing me so hard I can't stand anymore or even sit for that matter. I gently tuck myself in while blatantly ignoring Edward who is right behind me all the time, turn my back on him.
There's no movement for a while but I know he is just staring at me; his eyes are practically drilling through my spine. He finally gets himself to say something. He doesn't know what to do.
EDWARD: Do you need something before I get back to work?
You're going back to work. You leave me alone in a time like this? It's starting already.
BELLA: No I am fine.
EDWARD: Are you sure?
Of course I am not fine. You should know that. But instead you're going back to your father when I need you here more than ever.
BELLA: Yes I am just a bit tired from all those tests. I think I'll just sleep.
I hear nothing for a few moments but not so much as turn around, I feel his presence there. I hold back my tears until I hear the door shut then curl up crying finally grieving the life I have just lost. All along I don't know Edward never left, he sat by the door listening to the sounds of my tears and grieving the loss of a child he was so prepared to welcome too.