This is who we are.
Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds, Higher Ground, the quotes etc. if I do own anything I'll let you know…
Spoilers: none.
AN/ I AM SO SORRY it took so long to update... life has been hectic. ive had like 5 sacs the last few weeks, then i was on camp last week, and im on camp again this week... i had a party thrown for me on friday night, and it was my birthday on saturday, and mothers day today... lol
but it has been a shit weekend and ill be glad when its over... at my party everyones mobiles and ipods and wallets were stolen, coz some randoms crashed it, and i didnt even know half the people there coz i didnt throw it, and then after my phone was stolen, my rents and i spent the next day, saturday- my birthday, getting yelled at by everyones rents about it, when we didnt throw the party, it wasnt at our house, and we had nothing to do with it... like how were we meant to know heaps of ppl i didnt know were gonna be there, or that it wasnt registered with the police... I DIDNT ORGANISE IT OR HOST IT, it was just in my honour, and my other friends who has the same bday as me... but she didnt get angry phone calls... WTF??
anyway. hope you enjoy this chapter, and ill try to update faster this time, but its exams soon... lol
Chapter 26
My Mother's Husband
Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall.
Confucius
CMCMCM
"Why me?"
She felt him wince at her.
"What do you mean, why you?" he asked gently.
She stiffened suddenly and shivers ran down her spine as the male voice took her by surprise, "Hotch?"
She felt him shift on the bed to face her, looking silently at her, not breaking eye contact. She wanted to look away, but for some reason she couldn't, she just kept staring back, drawing comfort from his intense gaze. He had scared her, when he first spoke, when she first realized he wasn't who she thought he was… when she realized she was a long way away from the place she imagined she was. For a moment, she had believed she was back at Horizon… and that he was Peter. She knew it was childish, they weren't anything like each other, but the comfort that she had received in that moment was so similar to the moments she had shared with Peter… when no one else was around and she could let her guard down. It was strange, that Hotch could make her feel like that again.
"I'm sorry, I kind of… spaced out" she tried to explain, brushing it off as anything other than the emotional breakdown it was.
"We both know that's not true" he said firmly but gently.
Her head snapped up to look at him again, he wasn't meant to respond to that, he wasn't meant to draw her out, question her, this wasn't how it was meant to go…
"JJ, do remember the talk we had a few weeks ago?" he asked, not fazed by her surprise at his response.
"We all have secrets, only sometimes something will open up old wounds… and we had to deal with them" she said quietly.
"Something like that… but that's not all I said…" he paused, squeezed her arm gently "I'm here for you"
She looked up briefly, before her fleeting gaze relocated to the door, then the wall, then the window. She couldn't look at him; the concern evident is his voice was making her choked up again. She couldn't do this, nothing would be the same if they knew…
"We're all here for you JJ" he expanded while trying, unsuccessfully, to meet her gaze.
He waited for her to respond, to speak, or meet his eyes, or even nod, but she couldn't do anything… if she lifted her head he would see the tears making their way down her cheeks again. It was pathetic behavior, she was meant to be strong.
"JJ, look at me"
His voice was so gentle, so caring. She couldn't look up, couldn't look at him. She knew the moment she did he would see, know, what was in her soul… and as soon as he did everything would change. She would no longer be the strong, carefree liaison, and they would never be just coworkers, friends… they would act different, they would try to protect her. Her days of being just one of the team were going to be over before they really began, and she couldn't do anything to stop it.
"JJ, do you remember what happened?"
She nodded slowly, she remembered everything. He broke into her apartment, held her and Emily hostage… then he shot her.
"You need to tell me what happened"
She avoided his eyes, as soon as she looked at him it would all come out… and she wasn't ready for that… what would they think of her when they found out, they would never look at her the same again… it was too painful, too unspeakable, too dirty… it wasn't who she was anymore.
"Please talk to me"
He said please… Hotch never said please. She looked up at him quickly, and once she locked eyes with him, found she couldn't look away. Sympathy, worry, pain were all evident, but there was one thing she saw that she couldn't look away from, fear. He was scared. She'd never seen him express fear, or anything else really… he was letting his guard down for her. She knew it was difficult for him, almost as difficult as it was for her, she had to try and talk to him, try to let him in…
"It's all my fault" she blurted out.
"What do you mean?" he asked gently, seeming almost scared to talk, to break her reverie and frighten her back into silence.
"Emily, being hurt, it's my fault… I never should have gotten her involved."
"Involved in what?"
"I never should have let her come with me in Pittsburgh"
"What happened in Pittsburgh?"
"Nothing" she dismissed quickly.
"I know something happened, you wouldn't have mentioned it if there wasn't any significance" he stated quickly, sounding just like the profiler he was.
"I just went to see…" he silently urged her on, he was being so supportive, she couldn't lie to him "my mother, I went to see my mother" she finished quickly, hoping the quicker she got it over with the less it would hurt… once again her mother caused problems. Not that she wanted to blame her mother, Horizon had taught her that she couldn't blame her mother for all her problems… but her mother really did ruin her life, again. She regretted going to see her, if she hadn't none of this would have happened.
Hotch looked a little shocked "your mother?"
"Yes, I hadn't seen her in years… and everything leading up to that case in Pittsburgh seemed to be a sign that I needed to see her again, obviously I read it wrong…"
"Why's that?"
"I never should have gone back there"
He paused, wanting to get her back on topic, but not wanting to interrupt her… at least she was talking.
"What happened when you saw your mother?" he asked gently after hesitating slightly.
"She was… her. Took her all of two seconds to start on me about Scott, and Jess, and her, and… it was all my fault"
He gently rubbed her back as she tried to get her breathing under control. She had never been close with her mother, but she never hated her, even after she found out she turned a blind eye to Walt, because she stood up for her, but now… now she hated her.
"Who's Scott, and Jess?"
"Jess is my little sister" she replied happily. Thinking about Jess made her want to see her again, made her wish she never left her little sister in the first place…
"And Scott?"
"Scott's just… history. He's part of my old life, but my mother liked him, so it was a huge disappointment to hear we didn't make it… only ever thinking of herself that woman, it's not like it was easy for me."
"Is this part of Jennifer Jareau's history, or Shelby Merrick's?" she flinched at the mention of her old name, of who she used to be, and she knew he saw it too. Why did this all have to be brought up again, after so long?
"I don't know what-"
"Don't lie to me JJ, I know…"
"What are you-"
"JJ!" his voice was forceful and it stopped her protests dead… he knew
"I… how do you know about that?"
"Garcia… and Emily"
"Emily? I knew I shouldn't have told her…" JJ mumbled quietly, but Hotch still heard her.
"She was trying to help you, Walt still hasn't been apprehended… we don't know who he is" he explained sympathetically, and she knew he suspected, but there was no way he would find out, not all of it anyway.
"I know she did." She sighed
"We need to know who Walt is…" Hotch pushed
"It's Walt…Walter Blaine…" she admitted after a long silence.
"And how do you know him?" he asked quietly
"Is that… important?" she asked trying to stall
"Yes, we need to know" he replied, the sympathy in his voice overwhelming.
"He's… he's my mother's husband" she said quickly, and Hotch noted that she called him her mother's husband and not her stepfather…
"I'll be one second" he quietly said as he pulled out his cell. It was answered on the second ring and he spoke before Garcia could get a word in.
'Garcia its Hotch. Walter Blaine…' he paused, trying to compose himself for what he had to say next, but he never had to.
'Uh, Hotch… Walter Blaine is Alice Blaine's husband…'
'That's him' Hotch answered before hanging up.
JJ watched his call silently, wishing he didn't have to tell anyone, wishing she didn't have to tell him… she knew they would all know now, but he would still make her tell him…
"JJ, I want you to start at the beginning… we need to know everything"
She turned to the window and watched the birds flying away, wishing that she could do just that… fly away, leave everything behind her and start again… but she knew running away didn't solve anything, she'd been running her whole life… this time, this time she would stay and fight.