Proud

Carly's POV

It Flies yay! Lookie lookie! It flies!

I stood in the middle of the living room in shock as Gibby and Spencer were standing on top of the coffee table or what use to pass for the coffee table pointing at some creation that they had come up with it was suppose to be a plane that brought them refreshments from the fridge so they never had to leave the couch. However it was one big ugly mess...it was limp and loud ..

You do know this won't end well don't you?

Oh yee of little faith it works just...

Ah!

The loud sputtering now turned into a full range groan as it's engine failed and crashed sending down waves of soda and dip onto Spencer's head as Gibby ducked out of the way.

Woah that was close

Hey Spence uh you got a little dip on your..

You think!

Spencer groaned as he huffed towards his room I sighed shaking my head as I closed the door..Gibby stood there shrugging licking dip off the couch.

I'm not cleaning this up!

Just so Spencer heard me I marched to his room and banged on his door

Go away!

He replied in full pout mode rolling my eyes I just grabbed my bag and headed upstairs with Gibby following.

This was the prefect ending to a perfect day...sighing all I wanted was too crash on my bed and go to sleep I would prefer to never wake up.

Spencer's not coming out Gibby do you want something?

I slipped out of my school clothes changing as he flopped down on my ice cream couch watching me change sick pervert he shrugged. I cracked my neck as I grabbed my books and laid on my bed I knew I needed to really focus on my studies they had really dropped in the last week and a half. Well as much as they can drop since school just started .

Gibby remained silent as he played fishing in my table / pond...if that's what he wanted to do fine I

Wasn't in the mood to argue and he wasn't hurting anything. My eyes scanned our history assignment but the words blurred together.

I felt his eyes on me which was unnerving to say the least.

What ?

Nothing..

So why are you staring at me?

He struggled with what to say I could see it he wanted to ask me something so bad but it was like the words that were in his brain couldn't get off his tongue.

Just say it Gibby honestly I can't take any more games..

Carly I was just...I was concerned I mean I was there today I saw what they did to you ...I didn't tell Freddie or Spencer but I'm worried that was a mistake ...are you okay...

My face flushed as he fooled with his fishing pole getting tangled up in the string he cussed which made me smile.

What they did it was deliberate and cruel but no one stood up for you …

Not true Gibby

I don't count I mean no one even cared about what I had to say

You do count Gibby in my heart I remember what you did for me today so thanks

He shrugged looking at me searching me for any signs I sighed he had no idea how much today had shaken me no idea at all.

You need to talk at all?

Carly?

I heard you Gibby but no I'm okay I would rather just forget

Can you? Cause I know I sure can't ...their words still ring inside my head the venom in their voices I mean they..

I get it I remember okay I was there to I ..just I'm sorry I don't want to reminisce..please let it go..

Okay sorry I didn't mean to piss you off

No Gibby I'm sorry I shouldn't of yelled you were great today really thanks I'm just stressed and tired …

It doesn't give me any rights to take it out on you sorry

It's okay Carly...

You look tired …

I am I think I'll take a nap if you don't mind

No go ahead your beds perfect for them I often take them there..

Inside I moaned oh..why did he have to tell me that? Really he could of just kept that private it's one secret I wouldn't of minded not knowing.

Laying down I fought off the urge to cry as I closed my eyes I felt Gibby come up and rub my back. I tried not to replay the events of today in my head.

The night before I had tossed and turned in bed feeling sick to my stomach worried about Sam and hearing the voices in my head..they screamed at me horrible names...

"Carly no daughter of mine will ever dishonor me by being that way

Your a disgrace Carly I will never call you my baby girl ever again

How can you even call yourself a person your not human your a disease

Lesbo ..freak...pig..dyke...

I woke up screaming four times breathing heavy and coughing sick to my stomach sweating and having to run to the bathroom to throw up. Would my dad really think that? Would he disown me ? I was always daddy's little girl I couldn't handle not having that love and support.

What would my mom think?

All these thoughts weighed heavily on my mind as I dragged myself to Freddie's door that morning he knew something was wrong as soon as I came in Mrs. Benson started yelling about manners and knocking none of which I cared for at that moment when I barged into his room his smile melted me as he took me in his arms holding me.

No sleep again?

Yea I can't stop these thoughts

Sam's strong Carly she'll be okay baby

Carly try to relax you need to focus you have three tests today and you already failed two this week

I can't Freddie I just can't...

Oh Carly...

I have to go …

Carly where are you going?

School starts in a hour

I'll meet you there...I'm sorry

Carly wait...

I barely saw where I was going as I drove through the streets the tears were pouring down as I narrowly missed getting side swiped by a semi. Shaking and sick I pulled up to the apartment complex where she lived , my breathing was ragged as I sat in the car. Dizzy and unable to walk I pulled out my phone and called her.

A memory seeped through my fog as I waited it was from when I was 6 , Spencer always told me I had an amazing memory. I tried to block this one out my eyes burned from unshed tears my throat stung.

I remembered being with my friends Taylor, Haley, Cat and Nina we were sitting in the patio in my sun room it was early February we were planning Cat's birthday she was excited to be turning 9 which was a big age for us then. Their moms were talking to mine in the kitchen about my next door neighbor Erica she had babysat for me since I was born she was one of my closet friends even though she was 22 and going to college she never treated me like a kid she treated me like a equal.

My friends all loved her she would buy us treats and treat us like we mattered and weren't just brainless whinny kids. She had come home from college with her girlfriend at that point I didn't know girlfriend meant "girlfriend".

The whole community was buzzing about it about how she had disgraced her family by being gay. I didn't know what gay meant but I got that it was a bad thing to be.

Taylor's mom said that she thought she out to be burned at the stake and thrown into the ground ...I remember my friends who were all dressed in their fancy clothes and hats saying that they were grossed out knowing Erica was one of them after she had changed them and bathed them as babies I remember them saying they wanted to be disinfected and all I felt was confused how did they know so much more about this and I didn't what lesson did I miss? I was too embarrassed to ask so I waited and listened as they talked about sin , love, distrust, fear they acted like whatever this gay thing was had somehow changed Erica from the sweet funny and awesome girl into some kind of monster. My mom's words ring out..

I'm sure Erica's still a great kid but she's confused we should give her time to work through this phrase

Pray for her maybe god will spare her and take this sickness away I'm telling Carly to pray for her to

God never ignores a child..

She'll be back Erica's not a bad girl she would never disrespect her parents by being something like that..

What was that? I made a mental note to ask Mom later when Haley asked us to go to the park I agreed

just to get out. I stayed away from them as they chatted all I could think about was Erica did she know how people were talking about her? People she was taught to trust? Why did these ladies who had all loved her like their own suddenly treat her with such venom? I was scared I hated monsters they were bad ugly things that hide under my bed that my daddy always chased away but dad was away so who would protect me now? Would she leap up when I was asleep and steal me away? Would I ever see my mom again? My dad? My friends what was this " gay " they were talking about how did I watch out for it protect myself?

What did it look like feel like? Did it have a taste? I spent months of sleepless nights worried that She would take me away I cried myself to sleep, I missed Erica but I didn't want to lose my family either. I did what my mom said I prayed every night that god would take this away and bring back my sweet Erica. Mom wouldn't let me see Erica she had forbidden me any contact.

This worry took over my life I couldn't eat cause every day I heard my friends whispering about how their parents had talked about Erica again the night before and how they had formed a alliance with other parents to keep her away. They talked about how she would take their kids away and disease them. I envisioned her as this three headed fire breathing dragon who wanted to hurt me.

No grownup would ever give me a answer as to what Gay meant..I just knew it was bad at six years old I didn't know what Gay or Homosexual meant I didn't have that kind of knowledge ..then one day while I was at the park on the swings someone sneaked up behind me and tickled me when I spun around I saw Erica there with another girl she said her name was Ellen I was so happy to see Erica but I was scared cause she wasn't this monster my mind was lead to believe her to be I thought I was going crazy which according to one of mom's friends was a word she used to talk about gay people so was I this gay thing? When I started crying she sat me down and asked me what was wrong. I was scared to tell her I didn't want to hurt her feelings but she told me she wanted to hear what was said. So I spilled everything she listened without speaking and then explained to me that some people were afraid of others who were different.

She said that because she wasn't afraid to stay true to herself that others felt the right to make her life seem unimportant and unworthy. That they felt she shouldn't have the same rights as them all because she loves someone of the same gender. It was a eye opener to me I was scared to see that my mom was like that. Yet it didn't stop me from wanting and needing my mom's love and approval she was after all my best friend and the one person I depended on she made me the best lunches she woke me up with smiles and tickles she helped me pick out the cutest dresses and do my hair , mom was so beautiful everyone says I look so much like her with my wavy almost black hair my dark hazel eyes olive skin she had the most amazing skin so soft and buttery she smelled amazing. I use to love to cuddle up in her arms and stay there. Mom was also super talented in music, dance she loved poetry and she was one of the sweetest people ever. She encouraged me to follow my dreams and always told me I could do anything she stressed how important school was. We spent all hours together she taught me how to dance how to sing how to draw she taught me how to read and garden we exercised together cooked

Together we did everything together. She always listened to me and taught me not to judge she made sure I knew that even though we had money and a big house that money wasn't everything it didn't

Define us and that there were people who didn't have as much and we should always give back. Every Sunday after church we went to a safe haven for abused women and kids and we spent hours helping down there it opened my eyes up to see how cruel life could be.

All this left me very confused how could the same woman who helped me with homework taught me about tolerance then turn around and say such hurtful and cruel untrue things about someone who had been in my life since I could remember who took care of me who she had trusted to watch me when she was away.

When I was 8 my mom died of Breast cancer and my whole world shattered I was not prepared to face life without my mother no one taught me this new code that I was now thrusted into no parents around to help me make major choices my questions and fears left unanaswered.

I moved in with Spencer into his apartment hours away from where I grew up ...I started a new school and I went from popular to the new girl who dressed funny and talked funny cause I had a accent. I was miserable. I missed Erica and my mom and I felt awful cause I never told my mom I still saw Erica everyday for two years after she had banned me from seeing her. I started to feel that my lie caused her death. I hated my new school then I met Sam. I knew from the moment I met her she was special I don't know if I can say I believe in love at first sight even though I am a romantic or as Sam says mushy. I just know she didn't treat me differently she tried to steal my lunch and when I fought back she was shocked I still remember her words to this day " Your alright kid" it wasn't earth shattering but it shattered my walls. Sam was the only one who made me feel that my life wasn't a total lost case. She broke through my guard and loosened me up she taught me I didn't have to be perfect I just had to be me and have fun to remember to be a kid cause that's what we were we weren't mini grownups.

My time volunteering had taught me how to spot someone in trouble and she was in it deep. What I loved about Sam was her determination to stay true to who she was no matter what people thought. She didn't have to tell me how bad her home life was I just knew and over the years I did everything I could to shelter her from it.

I don't know when I fell in love with her it wasn't like it is on TV where some chorus of angels comes singing it was slow and came in moments after moments , it started when I noticed little things like She is right handed, but punches harder with her left, wears different socks for good luck, her favorite color is brown because it´s the color of gravy, her favorite junk food is any kind of Cake, her favorite book is Boogie Bear 3: The Return of Boogie Bear, she hates people the most and wants to be an invisible ninja when she grows up. I started to see that she acts tough so she won't get close to people and risk getting hurt. I was the only one she opened up to. I knew I needed to get her to trust more but honestly I like being the only one she talks to cause I don't want to share her. Maybe it's selfish and cold of me cause it sure hasn't helped her any but still I love being the one she confides in. I love that it's my arms that she wants wrapped around her to comfort her.

Now I had to wonder did my self selfishness cost me my best friends sanity? Did I hurt Sam and not protect her? Was it my fault she was in this place? Where was this place? How did I get there to help her?

I was in a full blown panic attack crying and unable to breathe shaking and dizzy ready to throw up by the time she rapped on my door, somehow she pried it open and put her arms around me lifting me up I stumbled my legs refused to go. Her voice was soft as she whispered to me.

Relax Carly it's okay I'm here now I'm going to help you babe trust in me I will deliver you..

Flashback I was seven we were in church and the pastor was up on his podium chanting about God delivering Erica from her sins ...I remember the fear in her eyes as her parents held her down at the alter. She didn't want deliverance she wanted acceptance.

My mom was raising her fist chanting for god to grant her redemption. I was in the pew shaking with fear and confusion all these people chanting and whispering what a bad girl she was how sick she was for having these feelings. The whole time I was watching this other girl she was like 8 she sat there scared like me and all I thought about was dang she's kind of cute. I liked her style of dress she had pretty nail polish on and cute shoes.

I screamed as my legs gave out and she was there catching me my hands were so tight I couldn't move them she was whispering soothing words to me as she held me close we both sank to the floor.

Why couldn't I move? What was wrong with me? Why was my head spinning? The world went black.

Light blinded me as I woke up to see I was laying on someone's couch , I gasped scared out and she was by me in a instant.

Carly how are you feeling?

I looked around the apartment was amazing all decked out in urban décor with brilliant colors it was funky and fresh. The walls were lined with plaques of records and achievements. A huge chandelier hung from a deep high ceiling it shimmered in crystals the counters of the kitchen were all granite and marble. The dining room met up with the living room a huge 58 inc Tv was on the wall above the fireplace.

Scared...

Relax sip some water you had a panic attack sweetie you need to calm yourself..

She fluffed some pillows and helped me to lay down I closed my eyes as she massaged my neck and head trying to relieve some tension.

I'm not sure how long I slept for before I woke up feeling better. She was by me again with some tea and scones.

Once my stomach was full she sat by me even though I had only met her yesterday I was comfortable enough to lay my head on her shoulder.

Why don't you start by telling me what got you so strung up ?

Everything it's all coming apart everything I worked so hard to protect

What's everything?

My whole Life Brittany my whole effing life

I felt her run her hands through my hair which I always found so comforting .

Slowly the whole story spilled out to her as she sat there holding me and whispering to me. The tears never stopped spilling over and she never stopped holding me.

Carly it's no wonder you and Sam are so tight your perfect for each other

How so?

Easy you are a perfectionist you want everything planned out and you want that plan followed to a T Sam she's a free spirit she goes with what ever life throws at her..I think it was destiny that brought you two together.

You just need to accept who you are Carly

How do I do that when I don't even know what I am who I am?

Come with me..

I took her hand and followed her down a hall which was a deep purple with plaques all over the wall and pictures from all over the world. She was with different people in all of them and she looked happy even drunk in some she had wild outfits on and she was partying in most. Some were taken on some kind of stage she looked so strangely familiar to me who was she?

She lead me inside to her room where a full length mirror hung she placed me in front of it and pulled my hair back wow I was a mess massacre running face pale tears stained her hands felt cool and smooth against my neck.

I want you to stand in front of here and say these words out loud..

I am Carly Shay

My lips felt dry my throat felt clogged this was stupid why was she having me do this? I knew who I was ...my chest felt tight my head hurt. My legs wobbled I just wanted to lay down.

She was staring at me waiting …I took a deep breath but my voice cracked she squeezed my arms and whispered to me " You can do this relax your mind and your body will follow"

Slowly I did as she said I cleared my mind and closed my eyes..

I am Carly Shay..

Louder baby with more conviction say it with pride

I am Carly Shay

Say it with sass you are Carly Shay and you won't be messed with

I AM CARLY SHAY!

Perfect!

I was breathing heavy as she rubbed my back my whole face broke into a smile as she hugged me from behind..

Now the harder part look in the mirror and say I am gay I am bisexual whatever you are just say it..

My heart froze how could I say it out loud? I had never admitted to anyone except Sam and Spencer this secret.

You can do this Carly I know you can and you'll feel a whole lot better..

My eyes closed I took a deep breath as my dad's voice filled my head my mom's words ..Brittany's voice telling me to clear it all and just feel me.

I am Carly Shay and I am ..

I am Gay...

My legs gave out as she was on me in seconds arms wrapped around me. I broke down yet again as she held me rocking me whispering.

There's no shame in this Carly don't hate yourself don't hide who you are embrace it accept it be proud of who you are you are an amazing funny smart beautiful young women..

Carly you are so many things so many wonderful things being gay is just one of them it doesn't make you , you it doesn't define you it's a part of who you were born as the same way you were born white , with brown eyes the same as you were born with two legs and two arms it's a part of you ..just one part ..it only matters when you let people define you as ..gay straight..bi..trans..if you own it embrace it and love yourself then no one can ever trash talk you again..it's not easy but it can be done.

The tears slowed down as she rocked me talking to me my breathing eased up as she helped me to sit up more so I could see myself in the mirror.

Say it and mean it Carly …

I am Carly Shay I am Gay …

Now take the gay out ..

I am Carly Shay..and I am proud!

Very good ...sweetie...

She hugged me as I fell against her but not in I can't stand cause I'm too weak way I fell in relief I felt like the weight of my world had been taken off I didn't hear the chanting I didn't hear my mom or my dad I just heard my voice.