"Darling, it starts with
Changing your habits
You won't get anywhere the easy way"
-The Doodads & Don'ts, "Changing Your Habits"

1999

Every once in a while, she would have one of those dreams that was so real, she swore she felt them. Maybe she brushed her arm against the mattress in her sleep, maybe she got tangled in her sheets, maybe she tossed and turned and her subconscious registered the turbulence from it, but when she'd wake up, she'd look around her bedroom in disbelief, her dream world completely vanished. This dream that she was in the middle of now was warm and safe and hopeful. A bright, open space. Standing in the center of a sea of people, but instead of chaos, there was an overwhelming sense of calm. Her love's arms were around her, no secrets. She felt a kiss pressed to her forehead, and she smiled as she saw the look in the eyes of those who were passing them by. She felt it. It was real. And then it was gone.

When she woke up, Grace's eyes adjusted to the sunlight pouring in through the windows as she touched her fingertips to her forehead, wondering what she could have possibly brushed up against in her sleep to get such a vivid dream out of it. She slid her hand over to Karen's side of the bed, hoping to grasp her hand but coming up empty. "Karen?" She looked around her bedroom and realized that the dark haired woman wasn't there.

"Kare?" she asked again, her voice still weighed down by sleep as she sat up in bed. She was probably out there making coffee, the same way she did every morning they had together in this apartment. The thought comforted Grace for a moment. Until she woke up a little more, and realized that they had to cut their week together short, that Will was just across the hall, that he could easily walk in on Karen before she even had the chance to turn the coffee maker on. That wasn't part of the plan; it wasn't how she wanted Will to find out, not when she finally figured out exactly what to say. Grace looked at the clock on her nightstand. 7:30...he'd be in the shower by now. There was still time to get out there, to join Karen and show a united front by the time Will came to the breakfast table. That is, if she hurried.

The redhead tossed the sheets off of her and raced to get dressed for the day. The silence outside of her room gave her hope that she hadn't missed her window. But as she started towards the door, she finally noticed a notebook on the nightstand that hadn't been there the night before. She picked it up and immediately recognized Karen's handwriting on the sticky note attached to the cover. She smiled at the curves of her love's words, until she saw what they said.

This is how I know you'll break my heart.

"What?" Grace asked softly, to herself, to no one. She furrowed her brow as she felt the weight of the notebook in her hands. Suddenly, the silence became unsettling. Suddenly, she could feel her nerves flutter into a frenzy. She looked around the bedroom and realized that all of Karen's things-her clothes, her coat, her purse-were gone. No evidence of their night together, nothing but a book she was too afraid to open. She clutched it to her chest and padded out into the living room, hoping against hope to find her girl resting on the couch or busying herself in the kitchen, getting ready for the day and the task they had looming in the very near future. But the kitchen was empty; the living room was still. Grace walked around the entire space, refusing to believe it. Because this was impossible. Karen couldn't have left without telling her first. She would have said goodbye.

But then last night came speeding to the forefront of her mind. Karen being quiet. Karen nodding along to everything she said without giving an opinion, without saying anything about anything. Karen's touch on her stomach as they settled into bed, a strange, cautious touch she wasn't used to from the dark haired woman. Karen apologizing for things she wasn't quite clear on, for things that were out of their control. Karen's last words before they fell asleep. I think maybe I need to go away for a little while. "I," not "we." Grace's heart sank.

That was it. That was her goodbye.

Grace took a seat at the dining table and sighed. She couldn't believe she didn't put it together while she still had the chance. But she had been so focused on telling Will, on how to do it, that she didn't think to check in with Karen. The dark haired woman showed up at her door; that was all the reassurance she needed. She wished she had known what was going on in Karen's head. She wished she would have thought to ask what was going on in Karen's head. But even though she never asked, Karen gave it to her. The dark haired woman left the notebook on the nightstand before she left; it had to explain everything. Nervously, Grace opened it, careful not to let the loose pages fall from it as she flipped through. With her mind going in a million different directions, she couldn't possibly take in anything that Karen had written. But these were Karen's words, in a diary of sorts, going back decades, her handwriting slowly morphing into the curves Grace had come to know so well as the years went on. All she could process was a string of names as she flipped through the pages, some she knew, most she didn't. Scott and Wendy and Sylvia. Ian and Elizabeth. Sophie, so much of Sophie. Sylvia again, nestled in between mentions of Jordan. Stanley.

And finally, Grace.

All this time, she wanted to know what happened to place Karen Walker in a Village dive on the same night she needed to get away from Danny. She wanted to know what happened so that she wouldn't repeat anyone else's mistakes. And now that she had this diary in her hands, she realized she was getting her wish, a history lesson that was a few moments too late. This was her girl's story, one that she didn't know much of, but, from what she could piece together, one that was mostly filled with secondary characters that only brought her pain. Grace wanted to be different. But she knew now that she was just another name, another piece of the dark haired woman's history that let her down. Just like everyone else. It wasn't as though she tried to be like them. It was that she tried so hard to be the opposite, to keep Karen close, to hold on even when she couldn't understand what was going on in Karen's head, even when Karen said it was okay that she didn't. But she made a mess of it; looking at the diary now, it was almost as if she was destined to screw it up. All because she couldn't tell Will the truth.

She thought of all the opportunities she had to say something. After she first met Karen, in a confused and excited late night phone call. After he first met Karen and was wondering how Grace could ever hire someone like her. After the first cabin trip. After any cabin trip. After he tried to fix her up with their old classmate. When he came home from Connecticut early. Any one of those moments could have been the right moment, and she couldn't do it. But she could wait until Will had fallen asleep, until he left the state. She could sneak around with a smile on her face. She could make her love feel horrible for confiding in Jack about their relationship. She could make the relationship all about the secret. That was no trouble at all.

Karen was right to leave, her mind chanted to fill up the silence. And she had to agree; she didn't deserve a goodbye.

Grace didn't know how to handle the gift she had been given; she didn't know how to handle much of anything. But she knew she needed to make some changes. She knew she needed to do what she always meant to do. And she knew she needed to start with her best friend.

"Morning." She heard Will coming up behind her, but she made no move to acknowledge him. She kept her eyes trained on the diary as his footsteps came closer, as she saw him move to the kitchen out of the corner of her eye, as she heard his fleetingly annoyed "No coffee?" and the clamor that came with him making a fresh pot. She could feel his eyes on her as he waited for the coffee to brew, letting the silence build up for a moment before his questions started to cut through it.

"New sketches?" he asked, pointing at the diary from his perch in the kitchen.

"No. It's not mine," she said flatly. "It's Karen's diary."

Will furrowed his brow. "It is? Why do you have Karen's diary?"

Here you go, Grace. Now or never.

She took a breath before she spoke. "She left it on my nightstand before she sneaked out last night." She looked up to meet Will's gaze, saw the confused look on his face, and continued before he could put a voice to it. "Okay, look. I need to tell you a few things, and I need you to swear that you won't say anything until I tell you to."

"Sure."

"I mean it, Will. I don't even want a hint of what's going on in your head until I've said my piece. All of this is hard enough as it is. I don't need your questions or your judgment while I'm trying to do this."

Will looked taken aback for a second, but he didn't want to push her when she was clearly already on edge. "Grace, I swear. I won't say anything. Just tell me."

The redhead took a breath. "Karen slept here last night. She slept here the entire time you were in Connecticut. I've spent the night at her place. Every time I told you I was working over the weekend, I was really with her, in her cabin in Vermont. We've been sneaking around since I left Danny, but if I'm being honest...I was gone the second I met her. Which was before I hired her. And it's also why I hired her. God, I know that sounds bad." It was incredible, how fast the words were spilling from her lips; once she started, she found it hard to stop. "And I know you're not fond of her, and I know you probably think I'm crazy, but we had a really good thing going until I screwed it up. She made me happy. And now she's gone. So it's not like you'll have to get used to the idea of us being together or anything, but it happened. And you should know that it did." She sat there for a moment, letting her words float, wondering where they would land. She looked at Will and she couldn't read him. She waited for him to speak until she couldn't take the silence anymore. "Will, please say something."

Will took a moment to pour a cup of coffee for each of them before making his way to the dining table. He slid a mug in front of Grace as he sat down. "So when you told me you weren't seeing anyone…"

"I lied. I didn't mean to. It's just...I had this all planned out, I knew exactly what I wanted to say, and then you come home early and it's all thrown out the window. And I know, I know it's not your fault. It's mine. But she was in my room when it happened. She heard the whole thing. Jack figured it out a long time ago, but I just couldn't tell you yet. That's why she left. Well…that and this," she said as she placed a hand on the diary. "She wrote about everyone who eventually broke her heart. I guess I'm next."

"She was protecting herself. I get it. She left before you could."

He said it so casually, she couldn't believe it. She narrowed her eyes as she took a sip of her coffee. "I thought you'd be yelling at me by now. I've been waiting for your voice to jump, like, three octaves."

Will offered up the smallest hint of a smile. "You know, one of my favorite things about you, Gracie, is that you're a terrible liar." He watched her for a moment as she tried to form a response and stopped her before she could. "God, I knew it. I knew something was going on with you. All the late nights. Taking off for days at a time with no warning. I just figured you would tell me about the guy you're seeing once you knew it was going somewhere. But Karen? How the hell did that happen?"

His question made Grace lose herself in the memory for a moment. The woman in Chanel sitting alone in that dive. The beer, the whiskey, the closeness. Will didn't know the Karen that she met that night. He wouldn't believe her story. Hell, she wouldn't have believed it if it wasn't her story. But there was no sense in holding back now. "I met her in this bar in the Village during a rough patch with Danny. She stuck out like a sore thumb, and I was drawn to that. We were just talking, that's it, but I felt so at ease with her. We stuck around until last call, and I didn't think I'd see her again after that. Then one day, she shows up at the office asking if I still needed an assistant." She shrugged. "I knew she wasn't the best pick, but I had to hire her."

"So you did it because you were attracted to her?"

"I did it because I didn't want to lose her again." She could see him soften under her adamance. He was getting it, she could tell. He was beginning to understand. "I wasn't expecting anything to happen. I just wanted to be around her."

Will studied his best friend for a moment. He saw how distraught she was that Karen left, he saw the overwhelming nerves that came with telling the truth. And he knew that no matter what he thought about it, it was serious. "Grace," he said softly, "if she's this important to you, why didn't you tell me?" He reached out to her, sliding his hand over hers.

"Because it's Karen! Come on! It's not like I forgot the way you trashed her after you met her."

"Well, yeah, because she's a bad assistant! She's not a bad person!"

Grace sat in wide-eyed surprise for a moment. "She's not?"

"What, you think she is?"

"Of course not! It's just...when did you suddenly become her best friend?"

Will sighed. "Look. I know she and I haven't always gotten along. But when she came to me about a divorce, I saw a different side to her. She seemed...I don't know, affected by someone. There's no way she would have come to me if she wasn't. I just didn't realize you were the someone." He shook his head. "And I can't believe Jack figured it out before I did. I mean, I live with you, for god's sake."

Grace offered up a little smile. "You're losing your touch," she teased, before she turned serious. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I was just so afraid of what you would say. I knew I wouldn't be able to show you how much she means to me, at least not in the right way. And I kept thinking about what had happened when I told you about the boyfriends you didn't like, and I just couldn't face the thought of that happening with Karen."

Will met her gaze; he wanted to make sure her eyes were locked on his. "Grace...this is weird. There's no getting around that. But I'll get used to it, as long as it's what you want. I shouldn't be the reason you give up. I just want you to be with someone who makes you happy. So, it happens to be Karen. It could be worse. At least it's not Danny."

"God, that's such a low bar," Grace groaned. Will's laugh started to warm her. "Anyway, it was Karen. There's nothing to get used to anymore."

"That's not true. Do you love her?"

"Will, everything's such a mess, what does it…"

"Do you love her?" he pressed again.

It seemed like such a simple question when he said it. And it had such a simple answer. But it was an answer that, until now, only Karen had heard. Because only Karen mattered. If she said it now, it would make everything real just as it was ending. But at least it would be real. "Yeah," she said. "I really do. But it doesn't matter anyway. She left."

"Well, that's no reason to stop trying." He saw the gears turning in her head, trying to make sense of it, and continued. "Look, it's not like I have any idea what's going on in Karen's mind right now, but if I had to hazard a guess...she didn't leave because she wanted to end things. She left because she loves you. She probably thought that you were too afraid to let go of the secret, that eventually, it would make you give up. And she wouldn't be able to take you being the one to leave."

She couldn't believe how logical it was. It was like she had kept Will in the loop all along, thinking out loud about the pieces of Karen, of the past, that she was privy to. How was it that he was able to come to a conclusion like this in minutes, when she had lived with this for months and still couldn't see all the reasons? Now, her mind was flashing back to the times Karen acted like she expected Grace to leave, to get distant, to get scared, to feel whatever it was that would make the redhead tap out. Everyone before Grace had left. Karen was simply going by her experiences; she couldn't be blamed for that.

If Will was right, it meant that Grace still had a chance. But it didn't mean that Grace was optimistic.

"What if I find her, and it ends?" she asked warily.

"Then at least you'll have closure." Well. She couldn't argue with that. "Sweetie, after everything, don't you think you deserve to know what happens next?"

Grace stared at him for a moment before she sighed. "Just so you know, I hate it when you're right."

Will let the slightest hint of a told-you-so smile escape before he asked, "So where did she go?" He was so earnest in his question, Grace would have smiled if her world wasn't steadily crumbling around her.

She shrugged helplessly. "I don't know," she murmured. But come on, Grace. That isn't true; you know it's not. What did she tell you the first time she took you away, when you left Danny at the last minute and didn't have the strength to face the rest of the world? She wouldn't still be in Manhattan. But so much of who they are (who they were?) together lived in that space; could it really still be her solace?

She wasn't sure. But she had to try.

"The cabin," Grace said suddenly, shooting up from her seat. "The whole reason she kept it was to get away from the city." She ran to her bedroom and threw together an overnight bag. Just in case, she caught herself thinking. She had to let the hopeful side of her win out over the cynical side. Otherwise, she wouldn't have the guts to do this.

"You're leaving now?" Will asked as Grace bolted out of her room.

"It's a long drive."

"How exactly are you getting to Vermont?"

"I'll figure something out," she shrugged as she raced to grab her coat and throw it around her body. She reached for her purse before rushing back to the dining table for the diary.

"Gracie?" Will asked, watching dart from one end of the apartment to another.

The redhead finally stopped and turned to face him, halfway out the front door. "What?"

Will grabbed a set of keys from the coffee table and tossed them to her. "I've still got the rental car for a couple days," he said as the keys crashed against Grace's palm.

Grace stood there for a moment, stunned. All of this time psyching herself up for her moment of truth with her best friend, for something she had been absolutely dreading, she never really entertained the possibility that he would be this supportive. She knew that the newness of it all, the Karen of it all, had to be a lot for him. But underneath it all, he wanted her to be happy; deep down, she always knew this, but for him to prove it to her in this moment meant everything. She ran to wrap her arms around him and held on with everything she had, trying to keep her tears from reaching the surface. "Thank you," she whispered.

He tightened his hold for a moment and kissed her cheek. "I love you," he said softly. "Go bring her home."

Will seemed so certain that it would end well, that she almost started to believe it, too.

She drove in silence towards the cabin, the snow falling and the diary resting in the passenger seat and the overwhelming desire to finally accept this invitation into Karen's world making the trip seem infinite. She pulled over when her curiosity won out, reading until her heart needed a break. She got back on the road, her thoughts crowded by Wendy and Sylvia, by Ian and Elizabeth, by Sophie, by her own recollection of her days with Karen and whether or not they played out like the days she just read about. She pulled into the cabin's driveway and read about Jordan (god, she hated Jordan). She read about Sylvia's return. She read about Stan.

Then she got to the pages that were about her.

Grace paused for a moment, thinking that she could stop here, that the past was enough. But she was too curious. It was one thing to paint your experiences with someone in a certain color; it was quite another to know that they painted them in the same shade. She turned the page and started to relive their entire story through Karen's words. Each entry brought the most vivid memories back to her. The night they met: "I know I'm never going to see her again. Maybe that's why I can't get her smile out of my mind; it knows that I need that boost...the girl with the wildfire curls." The day she walked into Grace Adler Designs: "I can't believe it's really her. I can't believe I found her." The night of Stan's party, when Grace couldn't help but kiss her, when she was still pretending with Danny: "Of course I let it go this far. Inviting her, getting her alone. It was selfish. I can still feel her lips against my skin. I can't recover from this. And I'm not sure I want to." And when she made it to the heart of their relationship, she wanted to cry.

"She's only a few feet away, in the other room getting us some more wine. The distance that was between us, the time that it took for me to get here, they don't seem to matter anymore. Because she's only a few feet away."

"She makes me feel weightless, like the load I have been carrying all my life has been lifted. She makes me forget about the things that brought me here. And it took me until now to realize how nice that is."

"I love her. It can't get much simpler than that."

All of these words, filled with all of this love, painted a picture that Grace wanted to believe in. One of no troubles, no obstacles. One where everything was so easy. She wanted to live in these pages, feel that feeling forever. She studied the entries, one by one, each page boosting her spirits, her hope that this could all work out. She felt good about the odds. Until she got to the end of the diary. Until she hit the last few days. Until she read the closing entry.

"It's been so hard, trying to hide everything, wearing this disguise. When I was a little girl, before the whirlwind Lois dragged me into, I would play dress-up. I'd be someone new every day, and when I got tired of the persona I took on, I could be someone else. Just like that. But the difference between make-believe as a child and make-believe now is that when I was a child, it was fun. Now, it kills me. But I kept it up, for her. I just can't do it anymore." Written the day before their fight in the office, before Grace begged her to stay the night, before Karen made her choice.

Grace laid the diary back on the passenger seat and rested her head against the steering wheel. She watched her tears fall from her cheek to her lap. This was all her fault, she knew. She drove Karen away. What was she expecting to happen here? A tearful reunion, a happy ending? Everything swept under the rug and forgotten about? Grace was supposed to be the one who was different, but she ended up like all the others. She couldn't believe she let Will talk her into doing this. There was no way Karen wanted to see her now. She had no right to be here.

Before she could spiral too far, a knock on the car window pulled her out of her own head.

"Come on, Grace. Your headlights are shining into my windows."

The redhead whipped her head up to see Karen trying to peek into the car. She froze for a moment, unable to believe what she was seeing. When she pulled up to the cabin, the lights were on; she knew Karen was in there. But to see her now...she was so relieved to see her now. The car windows were fogging up; the dark haired woman was a blurred vision. Grace moved to roll down the window, felt her heart jump when she got a clear look at her.

"Karen," she said, flustered, her voice catching on her love's name. She suddenly felt like this was a mistake, like she was invading Karen's privacy. "I'm sorry. I can go. I...I should go."

"Now, wait a minute. Hold on. You came all this way," she said, her frosty breath wrapping around her words. Grace could see that she had the smallest smile on her lips, in spite of herself. And then she heard the words that slowly started to repair the foundation of her hope.

"Just come inside. Please."