Disclaimer: I am not J.K. Rowling or George Lucas.
Enter Revans, at breakfast next morning.
Han. You've got to eat some breakfast.
Luke. I don't want anything.
Leia. Just a bit of toast.
Luke. I'm not hungry.
Nien. Luke. You'll need your strength. Seekers are always the ones who get clobbered by the other team.
Luke. Thanks, Nien.
Enter Darth Vader.
Vader. Good luck today, Skywalker. Now that you've proven yourself against a Gamorrean, a little game of smashball should be easy work for you . . . even if it is against Kun.
Exit Vader.
Exit all but Luke.
Enter Tycho Celchu, Ton Phanan, Face Loran, and the Chasers: Dia Passik, a green-skinned girl with brown eyes and twin head-tails; Shalla Nelprin, a dark-skinned girl with black hair; and Tahiri Veila, a blond girl with bare feet.
Tycho. Okay, men.
Dia. And women.
Tycho. And women. This is it.
Phanan. The big one.
Face. The one we've all been waiting for.
Phanan. [to Luke] We know Tycho's speech by heart. We were on the team last season.
Tycho. Shut up, you two. This is the best team Revan's had in years. We're going to win. I know it. [glares at the team] All right. It's time. Let's go. May the Force be with you, all of you.
The Revans board their starfighters.
[to Luke] Scared, Luke?
Luke. A little.
Tycho. That's all right. I felt the way before my first game.
Luke. What happened?
Tycho. [frowns] I don't really remember. I took a Dovin Basal to the head a few minutes in, woke up in the medcenter a week later.
The Revans fly out onto the field.
Enter the Kun team: Moradmin Bast, a sideburned boy in a gray uniform; Reck Desh, one of the beaters; Cad Bane, the blue-skinned beater; Sora Bulq, the wrinkled chaser; Mosh Barris, the keeper; Bruck Chun, one of the chasers; and Granta Omega, the mysterious seeker.
Enter Garven Dreis.
Dreis. [looking at Bast] I want a nice clean game from all of you. Board your ships, please.
After the players board their ships and take flight, the game begins.
Enter Wes Janson and Mon Mothma.
Janson. [into megaphone] And the grav-ball is taken immediately by Dia Passik of Revan. What an excellent chaser that girl is, and rather attractive, too. . . .
Mothma. Janson!
Janson. Sorry, Senator. [into megaphone] And she's really belting along up there. A neat pass to Shalla Nelprin, a good find of Tycho Celchu's, last year only a reserve. And back to Passik, and - no, the Kuns have taken the grav-ball. Kun Captain Moradmin Bast gains the grav-ball and off he goes. Bast is flying like a hawk-bat up there. He's going to sc - no, stopped by an excellent move from Revan Captain Tycho Celchu. And the Revans take the grav-ball. That's Tahiri Veila of Revan there. Nice dive around Bast, off up the field and - O! That must have hurt, hit on the head by a dovin basal. Kun takes the grav-ball. That's Bruck Chun, speeding off toward the goal posts. But he's blocked by a second dovin basal, sent his way by Phanan or Face Solo, can't tell which. Nice play by the Revan beater, anyway. And Passik's back in possession of the grav-ball, a clear field ahead and off she goes. She's really flying, dodges a speeding dovin basal. The goal posts are ahead. Come on now, Dia. Keeper Barris dives, misses. Revan scores!
Revans. [cheers]
Enter Han, Leia, and Chewbacca, watching the game through electrobinoculars.
Chewbacca. Been watching the game from my hut. But it isn't the same as being in the crowd. No sign of the Globe?
Han. No. Luke hasn't had much to do yet.
Chewbacca. Kept out of trouble. That's something.
Luke, as per Tycho's orders, is keeping out the game, looking for any glint of gold.
A dovin basal speeds toward Luke.
Enter Phanan, who bats it towards Bast.
Phanan. Okay, Luke?
Janson. [into megaphone] Kun in possession. Chaser Chun ducks two dovin basals, two Solos, and Chaser Veila, and speeds toward the . . . wait a moment. Was that the Globe?
Chun drops the grav-ball in surprise.
Luke and Granta Omega race after the Golden Globe.
Enter Bast, who slams right into Luke.
Revans. Foul!
As Dreis scolds Bast, the Globe vanishes.
Enter Lando Calrissian.
Lando. Send him off, ref. Red card.
Han. What are you talking about, Lando?
Lando. Red card. In bolo-ball, you're shown a red card, and you're out of the game.
Han. But this isn't bolo-ball, Lando.
Chewbacca. They ought to change the rules. Bast could have knocked Luke out of the sky.
Janson. [into megaphone] So, after that obvious and disgusting bit of cheating . . .
Mothma. Janson.
Janson. [into megaphone] I mean, after that open and revolting foul . . .
Mothma. Janson. I'm warning you.
Janson. [into megaphone] All right. All right. Bast nearly kills the Revan seeker, which could happen to anyone I'm sure. So a penalty to Revan, taken by Nelprin, who puts it away, no trouble. And we continue to play, Revan still in possession.
Luke's X-wing begins to lurch, as if trying to throw its pilot out of the cockpit. Luke holds on for dear life.
Janson. [into megaphone] Kun in possession, Bast with the grav-ball, passes Nelprin, passes Veila, hit hard in the face by a dovin basal. I hope it broke his nose . . . only joking, Senator. Kun scores. Ah, no!
Kuns. [cheers]
Chewbacca. What's going on with Luke's starfighter?
All notice Luke's problem.
Leia graps the electrobinoculars, searching the crowd.
Leia. [aside, to Han] It's Vader. He's jinxing the ship.
Han. Jinxing the ship? What do we do?
Leia. Leave it to me.
Leia departs, heading toward the area where Vader and Piett are sitting.
Bast scores five times, without anyone noticing.
Han. Come on, Leia.
Leia crawls under the stands, knocking Piett out of his seat to get to Vader.
Using pyrokinesis, Leia sets Vader's robes on fire. Then she returns to her seat.
Enter First Man, who sees Vader's problem.
First Man. Fire! You're on fire.
Vader rises to his feet, and quickly puts the flames out.
He looks back up with satisfaction, as Luke returns to his ship.
Piett stands up, mentally cursing.
Luke speeds toward the ground after the Golden Globe. He falls on all fours, coughing, as something flies into his mouth. He coughs it up - the Golden Globe.
Luke. I've got the Globe.
Janson. [into megaphone] Revan wins!
Bast. But he didn't catch the Globe. He nearly swallowed it.
Exit all but Luke.
Luke. [aside] But it made no difference. I broke no rules. Revan had won one hundred seventy points to sixty.
Exit Luke.