[Richard McGuiness] "Ah, the Shadow Estate. The green grass...the silky tapestries, the smooth stones..."
[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "You miss it?"
[Richard McGuiness] "Fuck no I don't! That place is the scariest goddamn hell hole I've witnessed since your porn stash."
[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Oh, well it must be really bad then."
"Wow, this is a big mansion," noted Dion propping his machine gun on his shoulder, whistling in astonishment at the sight.
The Shadow Estate teleporter dropped them off right in front of the huge house itself, letting them bask in its awesome glory. It wasn't the size that made it awesome, it was the Victorian style that it was designed that made it awesome. Around the edges were large black leaf trees perfectly symmetrical around the house, each one cut into a harsh pyramid shape. The stone walkways were made of shattered granite, each piece having a perfect copy on the other side of the dividing line in between the mansion. Basically, it was Edgar Allen Poe's wet dream combined with an OCD fascination with symmetry.
"I think I could like this place," noted Paula nodding her head, one of the few people on that planet capable of appreciating the artistic genius used in the building of this place.
"Remember, this place has an overall horror theme about it, so expect really scary stuff," stated Saprus calmly.
"Okay, maybe I won't stay for too long," murmured the artist slightly nervous.
Alan grinned, surprised at her reluctance. "You gonna shit yourself? What are you afraid of anyway?"
"Nothing!" snapped Paula defensively. "Nothing at all!"
"Come on, admit it," he urged mischievously. "I won't tell anyone."
She sighed melodramatically. "Ugh, fine. I'm…terrifiedofneedlesokay?"
"Eh? I didn't catch that."
"I'm…terrified of needles," she whispered lowly, almost embarrassed about it.
"Oh. Okay, I won't tell anyone."
Alan grinned and cupped his hands around his mouth. "Hey assholes in the manor, guess what?! Paula's afraid of needles!"
"You dick!" yelled Paula genuinely hurt. "You said you wouldn't tell!"
"Sorry, but that wasn't in the confessional booth. Confidentiality isn't required in the open air."
She gritted her teeth, barely able to suppress the rage. "You…no-good….scumbag…shit-eating….scruffy-looking…asshole!"
"Scruffy-looking?" repeated the priest. "I'm scruffy-looking? You clearly got the wrong guy in mind baby girl."
"Well what are you scared of?" asked Dion curiously.
Alan paused, clearly surprised by the question. "You know…uh…let's just get going shall we?"
"No, I already told mine," insisted Paula grinning. "You gotta say yours."
The priest awkwardly rubbed the back of his head, averting his eyes from all of them. "I…well…I'm…I…I'm afraid of clowns okay?"
The artist burst into laughter. "Clowns?! Our great paladin is scared of clowns?!"
"Hey, those guys are fucking creepy man! With their plastered faces and large shoes…goddamn it what kinda sick fuck made them in the first place?!"
Dion chuckled. "That's nothing. I'm afraid of heights. I goddamn hate heights."
"You don't show it that often," noted Saprus.
"Well, we don't go to many high places, so that's kinda why."
The infected sighed, as it was no doubt his turn to share. "Well…I'm afraid of spiders."
"How?" questioned Alan. "They're a valuable part of our ecosystem or whatever the fuck. I kinda just heard that over the radio last week, and I thought it was a load of bull, but it sounded smart enough."
"Still, they're creepy as hell."
Paula rolled her eyes. "Well, now that we all just discussed our phobias, let's just go inside into the one place that definitely has all of those things in it."
"Uh…yeah…." muttered the priest nervously. "If I see a clown, I'm gonna stab it so hard it'll be cumming blood out of his forehead."
"And with that disturbing image in our heads, let's go!" cheered Dion marching forward without a moment of hesitation.
They entered the front door and noted the large open foyer suspiciously. The carpet was a deep blood red color, with marble columns on either side of them extending into a stained glass ceiling above. There was the sound of piano music in the background, something that was decidedly uncanny considering the circumstances.
"Uh…this is kinda weird…" noted the Titan rubbing the side of his head in confusion. "Where are the bad guys?"
As if on cue, several figures emerged from behind the pillars. They all wore an official butler suit, buttons and coats intact, but they weren't human. Their faces were all blank, like their head had been replaced by an egg. Their skin was deep white, almost sickly in color, and they stood at the same exact height of 164 centimeters.
[Richard McGuiness] "That's about five foot three to us sane people in the audience!"
[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Sane? You're using a measuring system that literally only your country and two others use. That's kinda stupid if you ask me."
[Richard McGuiness] "IIIRELEVANT!"
The butlers all drew something from their wrists, each one doing the exact same motion. The weapons from their sleeves looked like some kind of firearm, but it was hard to tell due to how simple and elegant they appeared.
Then they began shooting and confirmed that, yes, they were wielding firearms.
The Vault Hunters slammed into cover, having been completely surrounded just from going through the door.
"Motherfucking faceless whores!" snapped Alan angrily. "I don't even see any environmental hazards in this place."
Just then, one of the butlers landed on an oddly colored strip of carpet and triggered something beneath it. Instantly several spikes ejected from underneath the floor, impaling the creature and causing it to instantly die.
"Oh, and it's booby-trapped," noted Paula rolling her eyes. "Just when I thought this day couldn't suck worse."
Saprus looked around and noticed another stretch of carpet that was off-color compared to the rest. "Yeah, but we can use this to our advantage. Those things aren't very smart, and it's easy to lure them in. The only problem is we don't know what trap we're gonna get until we activate it."
Dion grinned widely, enjoying the prospect set before him. "Certainty of pain, small chance of success? I love this game."
He leaped out of cover and stepped on a trap, looking around rapidly for what he had sprung.
A painting to his left opened up and launched an immense spear directly at his torso. Leaping out of the way, the spear slammed into a butler and pinned it to the wall, where it struggled before bleeding out from its injuries.
Boobies are Awesome +100
Wall-Jacked +100
If It Bleeds, We Can Pwn It +100
Total: +300
"Hell yeah!" roared the Titan running forward, hoping to get more people with that same method.
Paula glanced upwards and calmly noted the chandelier perfectly hanging over a collection of enemies. Not even bothering to think of a snide comment due to the extremely low chance of a chandelier being there except for killing people, she shot at it and let it collapse onto the group.
Redecorating +150
High Class on Yo Ass +100
High Class on Yo Ass +100
High Class on Yo Ass +100
Total: +450
"Interior designing wasn't my optimal career choice, but I guess it'll due," she said grinning maliciously.
Saprus ran into a side room and flipped a table over as cover, rapidly assessing the situation he had thrown himself into as well. Noting the large china display next to him and the fact that it was on wheels, he grabbed one edge of it and shoved it forward.
A one-ton combination of wood and porcelain rammed through the group of butlers, crushing them and throwing chunks of…stuff…everywhere. Not all that stuff didn't bleed either.
China-Own +100
China-Own +100
China-Own +100
China Own +100
Total: +400
"Too bad, I actually like fine China," murmured the infected slightly mournfully. "Oh well. I'll get over it."
Alan sprinted through the rooms, dodging bullets as he went. He was the reckless glass cannon after all, as he could move faster than all of them, and he didn't need to worry about it due to mild regeneration on his part.
Grappling a butler mid-stride, he spun it over his head and threw it back onto the floor. This caused it to trip a booby-trap and get incinerated in a wave of fire from the carpet.
Beatdown +50
Boobies Are Awesome +100
Hot Loving +100
Total: +250
He rolled to the side as its comrades began firing upon him, twirling his blades in his hands in anticipation. Noticing something odd about a nearby cabinet, he opened it to reveal an iron maiden perfectly disguised in the interior. It appeared to be very well used however, as the blood, guts, tears and semen clearly indicated.
Alan grabbed a nearby butler and threw it in, launching its body into the spikes. Grabbing another, he rammed the two together with his foot cruelly, already preparing a third to be introduced to the torture device.
Once he was sure no more would fit (he figured five was good enough), he slammed the doors shut, which took a ton of effort due to the stuffing he had put into it. He pressed down with his powerful forearms, bones and blood shattering and splattering inside of the cabinet and pouring out of the seams directly into his hands.
"Come on, get in there!" snapped the priest shoving with immense effort.
The door closed and sealed the five butlers inside, ending their existence in a very tight way.
Iron Bitch +100
Iron Bitch +100
Iron Bitch +100
Iron Bitch +100
Iron Bitch +100
Total: +500
"Awesome," he said licking his bloody hands, tasting the gore he had splattered over them. "I love the taste of heathens in the morning."
He whirled around, propelling himself forward blades first. "I want MORE."