So I am trying this new thing, because I often post multiple chapters a day, but fanfiction only updates, updates once every 24 hours. So because I don't see any real point in holding off giving you chapters that are ready, a point a lot of other fanfic writers seem to enjoy doing, I'm going to try and combine chapters into one super chapter. Because I have noticed on the days that I update multiple times the middle chapter don't get read, which seems unfortunate because then boom, the story probably jumps really quickly, if you don't love the super longish chapters let me know and I'll figure something else out. By the way this is still the seond update in the last few hours. -Lumae
Meredith, liked Amelia's apartment, it was modern but warm and sparse, it had reminded her of Cristina's various places, not filled with monuments of memories, just put together. She sat down on one of the bar stools next to the kitchen bench.
"Owen's going to watch the kids and Derek." Amelia said, it felt weird to be taking care of Meredith, to be involved in her brothers problems, he had always been the golden boy but over the past weeks and months, Amelia had realized that he was anything but that.
"Thank you, for being here for me, I know you are Derek's sister." Meredith said.
"Hey, you've been there for me and just because he's my brother doesn't mean I have to like all the stupid things he has been doing, does it?" Amelia said.
" I would offer you something to drink, but I don't have alcohol." Amelia said.
"That's okay." Meredith said, as much as she would have loved a tequila bottle, she wasn't about to risk Amelia's sobriety because of her problems.
"Did you want to talk, or are you all talked out and just want me to leave you alone?" Amelia asked.
"I" Meredith paused.
"I don't know how we got here. To this point." Meredith sighed, Amelia sat down, clearly Meredith wanted to talk, and Amelia did not mind listening.
"We were fine, last year." Meredith said.
"But we weren't I just told myself that."
"We weren't fine and we didn't do anything about it and the next thing we know he's living in DC and I'm in Seattle, raising our children, then he cheats, we make up, then he's expecting a baby with another woman and suddenly I am thrown into a situation where I have to decide between my husband and my family and a child he made with his one night stand. It's not fair." Meredith said.
"I now know how Lexie felt." Meredith said.
"What?" Amelia asked curious.
"Mark wanted to adopt his grandson and then with Sofia with Callie, both times, Lexie had to chose." Meredith said.
"Derek's doing it to me. I am going to have to make a decision and it's going to impact my family, my kids, the one I have." Meredith said.
"I have two beautiful, amazing children, I'm not sure I even want a third." Meredith admitted, she had been satisfied with one, thrilled with Bailey but she had to admit, even just two children was a handful.
"I love Derek, but this, I don't know what to do."
"I don't know if I could love that child. I'm scared that if we, if that child became our child, every time I looked at it, all I saw was my husband cheating on me and I would resent that child. Even though it is not the child's fault. Does that make me a bad person?" Meredith asked.
"I watched a documentary on Children who were products of rape." Amelia said, it had been after Charlotte had been raped
"What?" Meredith said, confused, it seemed most off topic.
"Look I know that's not really the point, this clearly was not the case and is completely different circumstances but this documentary was full of Mothers who had given birth to children who where the product of rape and they'd all been offered abortions and said no. The thing that got me was I don't think one of those mothers said that when they looked at their child they saw their rape. They all talked about how they loved their child, it, sometimes life is terribly cruel but love can flourish in some of the darkest corners of our existence." Amelia said.
"My point is the message. Love can pull through, it's a complex indescribable occurrence, that still baffles neuroscience. It's the brain being bombarded with Dopamine,Norepinephrine and Seretonin all brought on by a crazy maze or neuropathways. We can't control love as much as we may try. Love is love, a force as powerful as any element, love may destroy us but it can also save us." Amelia said.
"I am not saying you have to do anything Meredith, I would support you if you told me brother you never wanted to see his cheating face again, what I am saying is don't close yourself off." Amelia said.
"I had a miscarriage when Derek was shot." Meredith admitted, she did not like talking about it and she was not sure why she was telling Amelia.
"I would have given anything to hold that baby, to have that baby, to love that baby." Meredith said.
"I, can you keep a secret from Derek, who am I kidding, your not going to be talking to him anytime soon." Amelia said
"What?" Meredith asked.
"I had, I have a son." Amelia said wistfully.
"What!" Meredith said even more confused.
"He lived for only minutes, his life was measured in minutes, minutes to hold, minutes to love, minutes were his life, his eternity." Amelia said a tear falling down her face.
"What happened?" Meredith asked.
"Life, he was Anencephalic." Amelia admitted, as Meredith shuddered, she had seen pictures heard the horrific stories of the disease.
"That must have been." Meredith started to say but Amelia cut her off.
"Don't say horrible, words could not describe it, but I wouldn't have traded the minutes I had, his life, his existence, to not have felt the pain of his loss." Amelia said.
"A baby, isn't the worst thing to happen in life." Amelia said and Meredith could not help but think maybe Amelia was not that wrong.
"I always believed that Zola was meant to be our Daughter. The adoption books all say that, that adopted children are meant to be, destined by fate, that even though she was born in another country in a completely different life, she was always meant to be our daughter." Meredith said,
"What does it mean. Derek has a choice, even if we take the baby does that mean that my husband was meant to cheat on me? Does that mean that I was meant to hurt and feel the pain of his betrayal. How can that be fate. It was not fate, it was alcohol and a weak husband who couldn't keep it in his pants. That's not fate. That's not being born in another country and ending up my daughter. It's dirty and horrible. Does that mean that, that child is meant to live with some other family. It's biological parents got drunk and created it and then it's mother did not want it and it's father had another family so it ended up with these other parents. Is that its fate, its meant to be story. If I had, if Bailey had of had, some other father, for what ever reason, I would not have given him up, I would not have even considered it. Why is it an option here?" Meredith said, today had been overwhelming she thought as she heard Amelia's phone beep.
"Apparently your kids are asking when you are coming home." Amelia said.
"Do you want me to tell Owen to tell them you're working?" Amelia asked.
"No, I should, I should go home, my children need me." She said, emphasizing the last part. She had her own children to worry about, it wasn't just Derek's potential child in the mix.
"I'll drive you home." Amelia said.
The ride home had been much like the ride away, somber and quiet, Meredith drank in the last few moments of time away, as they pulled up to the house. Meredith dreaded the fear of what she would walk back into. Amelia offered to come in but Meredith just shook her head, she had to face this on her own, she thanked Amelia for being there for her and got out of the car. She paused at the door, mustering up every ounce of strength she had, before she opened it.
She walked in and saw Zola and Bailey engrossed in a DVD on the TV. Zola briefly waved at her, before getting drawn back in. Owen, got up realizing he could leave and walked passed her, placing a hand on her shoulder for a moment. Meredith looked at Derek, he was sitting on the couch behind the kids, still in his pajamas's. Their eyes locked for just a second. His beckoned her, his face screamed that he was sorry and he needed her but she could not be with him, his mouth opened and stopped.
"Derek I don't want to talk right now" Meredith said,
"Okay." Derek said, he could understand that.
"I want you to go back to the guest room." She said, as the tears started to run down her face.
"Okay." Derek said, feeling the pain he had caused.
"We can talk about this in couples therapy." Meredith said, before retreating to the bedroom and burying her head beneath the pillows that still had his scent on them. She hated today and missed yesterday.
Couples therapy had been a complete disaster Meredith concluded a couple of days later. They had arrived in separate cars, and taken seats at opposite ends of the waiting room, barely making any eye contact, except for a few stolen glances. Meredith had moved to the pissed stage of things. At first she had been upset but after the shock had worn off, she was just angry. Angry about the situation, angry that she had let Derek back into her life, angry that a decision had to be made. When Louisa had called them in, Meredith was sure ever the counselor felt awkward, sitting in the same room as them.
"So." Louisa had said but neither of them said anything, Derek glanced at Meredith his eyes pleading with her, for a moment she felt her heart of anger thaw but it quickly froze.
"Alright, does someone want to tell me what is going on?" Louisa asked, puzzled, they had seemed so happy and willing the week before but today she felt like she could touch the tension.
"You know this really works better if someone talks." Louisa said, she had been in this business for a long time and knew that not talking was a sign of a big problem, it also made her job a darn side harder she thought.
"Fine might as well get it all out in the open." Meredith said glaring at Derek, she wished she could hide her anger, control it, but she couldn't, every time she looked at him, the anger just seemed to boil over.
"Derek's one night stand, Natalie, arrived on our doorstep the other day, with a slightly bulging belly." Meredith said, she was snide to , snide angry and hurting, what an unfortunate combination.
"Okay." Louisa said, unable to mask the surprise that lit up her face, she glanced between Derek and Meredith, unable to make heads or tails of the situation.
"Derek do you have anything to say?" Louisa asked.
"I don't know." Derek said quietly, he had talked to his new therapist he had managed to get into yesterday, after he decided that Doctor Leed was probably not the most suited person for the situation he was in now. Derek had started to figure out how he felt but was still unsure.
"Natalie doesn't want the baby." Derek said.
"She wanted to know if I,as the baby's biological father, wanted it." Derek admitted, he still didn't like the way Natalie offered him the child, it was a child.
"Really!"Louisa said, getting even more shocked.
"That must have been quiet a shock for the both of you." Louisa said as Meredith rolled her eyes and Derek let out a small laugh, seeing his wife's reaction.
"Naturally." Derek said.
"And Meredith what do you think about this?" Louisa asked reverting to the basics.
"I, I don't know." Meredith admitted, she could feel Derek's eyes burning into her, but she refused to look him in the eye, scared that if she did, she just might very well break down on the spot, unable to ever claw her way out of it.
"I forgave Derek for the cheating. The day before. and I am torn because I don't know if I still forgive him, knowing what I know now. It changes things." Meredith said.
"It's a," Meredith paused, "We have two children and I am concerned that Derek might make a rash decision clouded by emotion, rather than a well considered one." Meredith said.
"I can't make a, I don't want to make a decision with out you." Derek said, talking to his wife directly for the first time.
"Derek, you have to make the decision, you get that right." Meredith said finally looking her husband in the eye, all she saw was fear and pain, etched across his face.
"Derek this is your child, it is your decision, as much as it pains me to say, I'm not involved in this situation." Meredith said.
"I can't decide for you, you have to choose." Meredith said.
"What if I choose wrong." Derek said, it was his biggest fear. What if he chose wrong, not just for himself, or Meredith and the kids but for the baby.
"I've chosen wrong before." Derek said, a tear falling down his face.
"How do you feel about the whole situation." Louisa said, trying to get a word in, part of her felt like they didn't need couples therapy today, they just needed to be forced into the same room and made to speak.
"I feel confused, it's my child, but Meredith is my wife. Meredith I love you more than anything." Derek said.
"I know." Meredith said, "and I love you as well, that's why this is so excruciatingly painful for me."
"It seems like it is painful for both of you." Louisa commented.
"Have you talked to the mother since?" Louisa asked, Meredith was interested in what he would say.
"Yes, no." Derek said as Meredith's face fell.
"She texted me, to apologise and she wanted to ask some medical history questions, she probably has an ultrasound appointment coming up soon." Derek concluded.
"How far along is she?" Louisa asked.
"12 weeks." Meredith and Derek said at the same time. Meredith had done the maths.
"Is there any chance that it could be someone else's child?" Louisa asked, Meredith had been to scared to ask that question.
"I don't think so, but I did ask her in the next text, she's happy for a paternity test but says there is no chance since she hasn't done it, with her boyfriend." Derek said trailing off. He wished it was her boyfriends.
"Have you talked to her anymore?" Louisa asked.
"no she texted me again and I blocked her number I was angry." Derek said.
"Derek you do realize you can't avoid this." Meredith said.
"I know, I just, I want to know what do you think." Derek said. He was falling apart.
"I've told you what I think, this is a decision you need to make." Meredith said and the room plunged back into silence.
That was their couples counselling, two people sitting on opposite ends of the couch, barely talking to one another and get almost no where.
They continued to avoid each other for the days that followed, neither knowing what to say, they had worked opposite shifts, so they barely saw each other. Which was good in away, giving them the time they so needed.
It had been a few days since the unproductive counselling session and Meredith had been avoiding Derek like he had the plague. She was half way through pulling her second double shift of the week and she was exhausted. She had barely seen her kids, so she had decide to have lunch with them. They sat in the somewhat quite cafeteria, before the lunch rush. Meredith was so thankful that Zola and Bailey, hadn't seemed to be affected by their parents problems. It wasn't long before Maggie spotted them and joined them.
"So how are things with you and Derek?" Maggie asked, offering Zola her pudding cup as Alex and Callie sat down.
"They are fine." Meredith said, she had been putting on a front for the children and herself, she wasn't ready to let the whole world know.
"Fine, you two seem to have been avoiding each other for the last week." Alex said making a funny face at Bailey.
"Alex please leave it, I said I'm fine." Meredith pleaded she was just trying to keep it together, they stared at her for a moment, before moving on.
"Umm Meredith." Callie said after a moment.
"For the love of, is it too much to ask for a nice quiet lunch with my kids, why do you all have to be so nosy."Meredith said slamming her fork down, she pushed her salad away, she wasn't hungry now.
"No it's not that and it wasn't, there's a woman standing behind you, staring." Callie said pointing, as Meredith turned around.
It was Natalie, Meredith's stomach sunk. What the hell was she doing here, Meredith thought.
"Umm.' Natalie said, regretting this, she wondered if she could just turn around.
"I was just, getting lunch and I, well I saw you." Natalie rambled.
"Please leave." Meredith said, curtly.
"I just wanted to." Natalie said as Meredith turned around
"What" Meredith yelled as the room fell silent.
Amelia appeared, suddenly.
"Hey Zola, Bailey, I have something really cool to show you in my office, Meredith do you mind if I take my favorite niece and Nephew for a while." Amelia said, not even waiting for a reply. The few early lunch eating hospital staff in the cafeteria watched Amelia leave with the children and then turned back to Meredith and the woman.
"How dare you show up here and try and talk to me when I am with my children, my babies. They are my kids, and they do not need the woman their father banged in their life." Meredith said, as everyone quickly realized who the woman was.
"Just because you slept with my husband does not give you the right to insert yourself any further into my life." Meredith hissed, she was over this, she was tired of pretending things were okay when they weren't.
"I just wanted to talk about, you know." Natalie said, cowering.
"Yes I know, I know, I hate the fact that I know, that I have to know." Meredith said, she was angry, growing furious.
"We were fine, we were doing better and then you show up, and not only show up, that I could have lived with. You show up with that." Meredith said pointing to Natalie's stomach. Maggie, Alex and Callie all realized exactly what the that, Meredith was talking about was and their mouths fell open.
"I think we need to talk maybe somewhere less public, people, people are staring." Natalie said, awkwardly shifting from one leg to another.
"We don't need to talk. Maybe you and my husband need to talk. But we." Meredith said pointing between the two of them "we don't need to talk"
""we aren't anything" Meredith snapped
"And as for people looking, you know what, I don't seem to have any self respect left now, now that you've shown up and inserted yourself into my life. So I don't care what people think of me, or the woman who slept with my husband." Meredith said, as the heads turned away.
"l know he's your husband" Natalie said
"Do you now, is that suppose to make me feel better, that you now know he is my husband. It would have been a lot more reassuring if you had known that weeks ago." Meredith said.
"I am a good person, I know you are mad and you have every right to be angry at me, but I don't deserve to be treated like this you are out of line." Natalie said, standing up for herself, Natalie might have been a shy person but she wasn't willing to be treated like this.
"I'm sure you are, but I hope you realize you are not a person I ever wanted to meet." Meredith said, maybe she had been a bit harsh, but she didn't care about that either, she just wanted to be left alone.
"So can you please go away, and leave me in peace, to finish my lunch." Meredith said.
"Fine but I just wanted to say, that I have an ultrasound tomorrow at five and I can seem to get in contact with Derek, so I thought I'd let you know, in case either of you wanted to come." Natalie said, finally saying what she had come over to say.
"Really, get the hell out of my life." Meredith yelled, as Natalie disappeared, pausing at the door, Derek was standing there.
Derek stared at Meredith, he'd been there for most of the conversation, heard it all. Hated himself some more. He stared at Meredith, trying to figure her out, wanting to help her, knowing he had caused the pain that was exploding out of her.
"What the hell do you want now." Meredith said, getting up and leaving, she could not do this, she could not be there, with all the people who knew her. She needed to leave, escape be alone. She found empty closet, in a corridor that was hardly used, filled with bed pans and linen and slid down to the floor, resting her head against the cool wall, she let herself cry. She didn't think she could come out of the closet, she didn't want to she felt safe. She had been in that room for over forty five minutes when she heard a knock at the door.
"Meredith." A familiar voice said, "Can I come in?"
It was Paul, crap Meredith thought, the news of her shouting match had clearly traveled like a wild fire through the hospital and Paul had heard it and was probably waiting out there with a straight jacket and a pair of burly psychiatric nurses.
"Are you going to commit me." Meredith asked, actually fearful of the prospect, is this what Derek had done to her driven her to insanity?
"No, Meredith." Paul said, opening the door. He quickly closed it behind him.
"I take it you've had a bad day." Paul said sitting down beside her, so their shoulders touched.
"I take it you like the rest of the hospital have heard." Meredith said, staring at the wall.
"I didn't hear it on the grapevine, if that's what you are asking, you sister in-law." Paul said, reassuring Meredith.
"How did you find me?" Meredith asked.
"Your Husband has been sitting outside for the past half and hour." Paul said, "Looking very sad."
"Oh." Meredith said looking at the door. Was Derek still out there listening in.
"I moved him along, I think he's worried about you, I think your sister in law is worried about you. I'm worried about you." Paul admitted placing his hand on Meredith's arm.
"Why?" Meredith said.
"Why are the worried about you?" Paul asked confused.
"No, why are you worried about me?" Meredith asked.
"I, the same reason I came in on my day off to talk to you and the same reason I have come in early or stayed back late multiple times over the past few weeks, just so you could come and talk. I care about you Meredith." Paul admitted, not just to Meredith but to himself, he cared deeply about the woman sitting next to him.
"You are an amazing, complex, compassionate, beautiful woman, Meredith Grey, and you astound me, every time you sit in my office, with your strength and courage." Paul admitted.
"I'm married." Meredith said, quietly, as she stared at Paul, slightly shocked by his revaluation and intrigued.
"You don't think I don't know that." Paul said, the familiar grin Meredith had grown to recognize, appearing on his face. He knew he could not have her, it would appear that this poor man could not have a lot of the things he wanted in life.
"I probably looked like a complete idiot today." Meredith admitted.
"Probably." Paul said,
"But that's okay you can fire anyone who looks at your twice." Paul joked, making Meredith smile.
"She just wouldn't leave, I need space from her, I mean I know it's not entirely her fault, in fact in a lot of ways she isn't at all at fault. She slept with my husband, but she didn't know he was married, Derek, is at fault. I think I just don't like what she represents, or could represent. The end of my marriage and my family." Meredith said.
"Have you and Derek decided what to do?" Paul asked.
"No, we went to couples counselling yesterday, but I think, I think we scared the couples counselor with our problem, I mean a week ago she had this almost healed couple sitting on her couch and then boom, a complete mess, talking at each other for the first time since we found out." Meredith admitted.
"I think he wants the baby." Meredith admitted, as Paul wrapped his arms around her.
"Does that mean my marriage is over?" Meredith said, falling apart for the second time that day. She felt safe in Paul's arms and in a way that scared her more than anything.
So that was 1/3 chapters all compiled. Covering multiple things. Amelia and Meredith discuss Chemistry and love, you meet the counselor who in my mind is somewhat hippyish and then you get the culmination of emotions and exhaustion bubbling over. Anyway I'm still not convinced I like the mega long squished together chapters, but let me know what you think.
Cheers
Lumae