Part 2! Personally I'm happy that people liked the Fili is Durin thing, I expected a lot less people to like it. If this part gets good reviews/comments then I'll think on doing a part 3 as well.
Paring: Fili/Kili
Rating: T
The Hobbit belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien.
He was warm when he woke up, but this time there was no arms holding him. His body was still the coordinated, lean figure he was used to as Fili. Instead of being a babe like he expected, Fili had woken up under a canvas tent. The makeshift bed he was stuffed in was covered nearly head to toe in blankets and furs, but he was alone.
It was something he wasn't used to, truly in many of his lives he never woke alone. Not since that first life when he was born without his One.
Now, the other beds in the tent were empty and the small fire in the tent was nothing but embers. Barely giving off enough heat to keep the interior of the tent warm, but it didn't matter. Fili was warm enough in his little sanctuary, and he thought that was enough. Though he was confused, where was everyone? He took a deep breath and winced at the pain that captured him.
Wetness was one of the things that he felt when he pushed himself up out of the bed, he looked down and winced at the sight at blood staining his wrappings. He shuddered but swung his legs over the edge of the bed and grabbed onto the topmost fur. He covered his shoulders with the fur and planted his feet firmly to the ground.
"Ah!" his breath hitched uncomfortably when Fili's feet couldn't support him.
Pain blossomed once more when his shoulder slammed into the ground and he hacked up a little bit of mucus and blood. His wound twinging when he used his arms to push himself up, short blonde hair fell over his shoulder. Reminding Durin|Fili of the fact that his own family had publicly denounced him, and his One had been barred from him.
All for what?
The fact that he had been different; the fact that his Uncle had fallen into the very thing that plagued his line for generations. Because he still had trouble with his previous lives and separating them from the current one. His own hallucinations had led him to the one place that he shouldn't have been, the one place that could be the end of him.
Fili was constantly being betrayed.
By his memories, family, body...everything actually. His expectations were shattered upon waking up; the selfish hopes of waking up protected were dashed when he awoke alone. Albeit warm, but nevertheless alone.
How long had he been asleep?
The young prince scooted over to lean against his bed and draped an arm on his abdomen; willing the pain to die down but not rubbing the area. Afraid that he would ruin the stitches that he knew were there. His blue eyes glazed over as he strained to keep himself awake.
"Why do you not sleep Phaedra? Is the little one keeping you awake?"
Fili|Durin|Phaedra looked up with startled eyes to see his|her last love staring at her with exasperated eyes. His own light colored eyes were soft as Fili|Phaedra reached up to the dwarf, that they once believed deceased. Fili's|Phaedra's stomach was empty; no sign of a babe or even a womb to be noticed. Golden braids that he had once put in the dwarf's hair were still there, as if the hair on his head had never been shorn.
"Do not worry my gem, Ered Luin is not that far off. We will get there by twilight tomorrow," the reincarnation only dumbly nodded. Taking in the honeyed words that once brought him so much comfort. "Phaedra?" and Fili got confused as hands grabbed at him to haul him up. Anxiety was rising as he tried to reach out for his love, and yelled to be let go.
Just like in his last life, his request was ignored.
"Vali! Vali help!"
"Fili, please calm down Nadad!"
"Kili! Get Thorin, now!"
"But Oin!"
"KILI!"
Fili was being pushed against the rapidly cooling bedding and fought as much as possible against his restraints. To anyone else it looked like he was not cognizant of his surroundings, but truth be told he was hyper sensitive to the world around him. He was all too aware of what was happening, and Phaedra|Fili tried to escape. Her|his love, Vali, was there and he needed their help.
Before his eyes Fili watched as Vali's skin and clothes began to turn gray and he shimmered from existence; the ashes sweeping away as if a breeze had carried him away. "Va-li?" and in his place was Oin and Balin. Both dwarves held him in place as the bandage around his chest was carefully ripped away and the bleeding stitches were seen.
He let out a pained scream when the stitches were pulled out by experienced hands and ignored the tent flaps opening once more. He couldn't take it, the pain was blending all his lives together.
"AMAD!" and Fili hated that he was denied the peace of being a child again. It was more preferable growing up, being protected if nothing than for the reason of being a child. He reached towards the ceiling of the tent and allowed his memories to run rampant again, the stress of control being too much for him. "Amad, please. Help me," Fili whispered in ancient Khuzdul.
"Fili-" Kili choked out as he rushed to the only unoccupied side of his One's side. His hands drifted through the short blonde hair and the younger prince seemed remorseful. "I'm sorry I didn't help you," and tears gathered in Kili's eyes as he watched Fili fight through the pain. Balin and Oin shared knowing glances at one another while Thorin was more focused on trying to help where he could.
The king watched as the tortured eyes of his nephew finally shut, and his breathing evened out; giving the much needed calm for Oin to work on him. Then and there, he could see the pain that he brought upon Fili. It may have been a good week since he was found, but the marks on his person were not so easily erased. Hand shaped bruises littered his neck and his body was filled with anything to a deep gorge to a light scratch.
Even worse was the fact that he couldn't fix the golden dwarf's hair.
He had publicly denounced him, humiliated him, and yet Fili still tried to find his way back home. Thorin called Fili a lair of the worst kind, he called him a deceiver; a foul beast that replaced the golden babe Dis had birthed. When there were times that he would sit next to Fili's bedside and listen to him thrash in the middle of the night; hear him beg his son to outlive him. Plead with past loves and family to run, or choke on his phantom tears as he cried out for a lost soldier.
Then when he thought his guilt could run no deeper, Fili would whimper for his One. Brokenly begging Mahal for a person to call his own.
On the flip side there were the times that Kili would watch over his brother.
Like magic, anything Kili did would calm Fili in his worst of nights and it didn't matter what he did; Kili could be fighting an orc and Fili would be content and sleep peacefully. Always gravitating towards the brunette, but quiet as he recovered from his wounds.
He was so brave; fighting off infection, a water filled lung, and multiple wounds.
Thorin opened his mouth to say something, but closed it; knowing his words would do more harm than good to Kili. His merely sat on the other side of the bed when Balin and Oin had finished their task, and bound Fili's torso once more in white. The beads in his hair were heavy compared to the crown he wore; the golden beads that his family made him weighed more than he ever thought they would.
It was simple as the fact that he didn't deserve them one bit.
And they knew it, now it was time for him to fix it.
The King Under the Mountain gave one knowing to Kili as he left the tent once more to direct the rebuilding of their home. Something was going on.
~.~.~.
There was nothing wrong with him, at least not anymore. He had healed nicely enough to Oin's standards and was just getting back into the entire restoration part of life when Fili found himself alone in a room with Thorin. It wasn't like he hated the man, but there was a bond between them that had been broken by his actions at the gate.
It was simple, he couldn't trust Thorin Oakenshield. Not anymore, but this was the man who raised him when Vili had died young. The respect was there still but the animosity underneath it all was present. And it hurt Thorin more than he would like to admit, because he had single handedly ruined not one but two relationships with his actions.
Kili refused to be anywhere near Thorin now that Fili was all healed. Though when he had to Kili was nothing but cool and sharp with his Uncle, only being professional and leaving as quick as he could. While Fili would try not to hold grudges against people, but never tried to seek Thorin out. For a soul as old as his, there were things that even he could not ignore easily.
"Fili," Thorin greeted when Fili entered the room Thorin used as his office.
"Uncle."
An awkward silence fell over them as Thorin felt at a loss to say words, but Fili merely sat down and took some of the parchment left on Thorin's desk. He flipped through it with ease and allowed the familiar presence of paperwork take over. It was rather mind numbing but enjoyable once he knew what to look for and recommend for Thorin to do.
It reminded him of simpler times when his name had been Durin and he was okay with that.
The King in him was more than happy to come out, there was no animosity in effectively rebuilding a kingdom and if there was then that was private dispute. It had no place being in a place of work. Though he could see it on Thorin's face every time he went to give him the parchment in his hands every now and then. The silent want to ask him something.
The not so subtle looks to his short hair.
"Do you have something to ask of me Uncle?" Fili asked as he set down a piece of charcoal. The notes he was making meant nothing when he could hardly concentrate, so he wanted what Thorin had to say over with.
Thorin, on the other hand, was rather reluctant to voice his thoughts but drew on empty courage, "Is it hard for you?" The golden haired dwarf raised an eyebrow at his uncle for a second, as if to elaborate. "Differentiating between lives, is it hard?" Thorin asked, and Fili slowly nodded.
"Every now and then I get lost, there are dead people everywhere. I see children in my dreams that I had birthed or sired; my loved ones blur as my lives increase. You call me Deathless, but I call myself Unfortunate," he mumbled. Fili pushed his short hair behind his ear and smiled at Thorin, "It's not all bad. There are good memories more than there are bad ones. I just wish that I had had a One to share all these memories with."
"But you have Kili."
It was weird how one sentence could wipe the smile off of Fili's face so quickly, but the dwarf managed to keep the fear that Thorin knew he was feeling off his face. Though he couldn't keep it off of his body language; muscles tensed in his shoulder and Fili's Adam's Apple bobbed. "It never really mattered to me whether Kili and you had a more than brother relationship, all that mattered was that the two of you were happy," Thorin said, "But it seems that I have messed it all up for you."
Did his uncle truly believe that?
When Fili tried to open his mouth Thorin cut him off, "Neither of you are truly happy now, yes you're okay, but that's not what you two really want. You want to be loved without fear of persecution, you want to be able to trust me even though I have fallen once to gold sickness, and you want to thrive not survive." Thorin looked down and in that moment Fili could see how old his Uncle truly was.
The stress lines were highlighted in the dim candle light and Fili could see how more silver threaded itself through his hair. His blue eyes seemed heavy, albeit nowhere near the heaviness of that Fili carried constantly. "And it's all my fault," the King whispered. Fili was horrified to see the tears well up in Thorin's eyes, and when he reached out to Thorin the man shook his head.
"I did wrong and must atone for my own mistakes, though you have my protection if you truly wish to pursue Kili."
Thorin gave him a wave and took the notes that Fili had been writing from him, making shooing gestures when Fili didn't leave the room immediately. Dismissing him for an obvious reason but Fili|Phaedra|Durin wanted to make it right with the king. Though he knew this kind of attitude well and left to go find Kili.
Fili never thought that it would get hard to be inside the mountain again; if anything he never expected that he would be forced to endure such blatant disrespect. Dain's men only saw him as some imposter, a shape shifter, demon, orc, or anything that would be degrading to him. It didn't help that his hair was shorn even further to make it all even, or that the beads that managed to stay was the bead from his father's house.
He was embarrassed beyond belief.
But when the days are over and no one is around; that is when Fili can relax with the one person that made him happier than he had been in any of his lives.
It was weird at first, trying to find a good way to relax in the evening with Kili, but eventually they found their rhythm. Fili sitting with a book while Kili would lay his head in Fili's lap; happily letting the older dwarf run his fingers through his hair. There was nothing he loved more than being able to be Kili and Fili|Durin; nothing was better than that and it was worth all the heartaches and sorrows in the world.
The blonde yawned as he walked through the familiar|unfamiliar corridors of Erebor, eager to get back to his rooms and talk to Kili. "Elf in a dwarven body," one person muttered as he rushed by.
"Disgraceful."
"Unnatural."
"Deceitful."
"Liar."
Durin|Fili held his tongue and kept walking with his head held high and his deep blue eyes searching for the one person that made him truly happy. A rare smile lit his face as he jogged past Dain's men, "Hey Kili!" His brother turned from his place with Nori and Dwalin. a faint frown on his lips, but it cleared up when he saw the short haired dwarf run up to him.
The two others gave him a nod in greeting before dismissing themselves; Dwalin giving the thief a nod that went unnoticed by either prince. "C'mon, I'm finished for the day and Amad will be here in a couple of months. We still haven't finished cleaning her room," the blonde muttered. The small grin on his face couldn't be denied as he grabbed Kili by the hand and dragged him past the guards and dwarrow.
"Those two are fishy. Breaking one of Durin's laws they are."
Fili looked over to Kili, "Don't listen to them."
He would not listen to them; he would not let them drown out his happiness at finding his One. His fingers gripped Kili's hands tighter as they passed through corridors filled with naysayers. "Their words don't matter to me, and they shouldn't matter to you," Fili muttered to Kili.
This was something that Kili was not used to; sure, he was bullied as a child for being a lot less dwarf-like then the rest of his family. Though he had never been openly sneered by the people that were meant to be his subjects. Kili always had the love and care from his family to fall back on, but now that Fili and Thorin were constantly busy it was in short supply.
Instead of the kindness that came from the people of Ered Luin, he received the cold shoulder of Dain's men. His cousin wasn't a malicious man; he was just more traditional than most people. Family first, kingdom first, duty before love. Dain lived vicariously through those rules most of the time, and thoroughly believed that most unions, if not all, in a royal line were to be male and female.
But, his brother was strong enough to not care about what others thought; he lived too many times to be held back by societal rules. So once more, Kili held his shoulders back and gripped Fili's hand.
He would not be afraid.
~.~.~.
For Dis, this was something all together different than what she expected from her eldest son. Of course, she knew that there was something different about her baby when he was born and felt that same feeling as he grew up. Her Fili, with his deep and saddened blue eyes, was destined for greatness; that much she knew. However, what she did not expect was for him to sit her down and explain just how different he was.
To hear him call himself by different names, some of which she remembered or knew of, and mean it was not what she expected upon arriving in Erebor. Nor was she so sure of the residual hate that she could feel in the air. There was nothing worse to her, than have her sons be hated for something that was beyond their control. And when Dis heard the name Durin and how it applied to Fili; she finally understood the animosity.
Durin the Deathless, the one that woke alone, had finally found someone to call his own; and it so happened to be the brother of his current life. And Fili; her little brave Fili was near tears as he tried to explain this all to his mother. If there was one person he respected in all his lives, it would be his mother; and though his mother had very different names and were never the same. He loved his mother all the same.
It would kill him if she rejected him for this, for finding love even though it was with his own brother.
Needless to say, Dis had never been so mad with him in her life. How could he think she would begrudge him his happiness!? She was a mother before she was a naysayer, and if both her children were happy then that's all there was to it. Nothing else should have been discussed, and later that day Fili went to his rooms with bruises and a black eye.
How dare he think that she would hate him for loving Kili?
Then she began to shield her sons from the anger and hate of the Iron Hill Dwarves, and she could understand why Fili had feared her reaction the most. What her children were called made her madder than hell. Some of the nicer ones ended with something like being the bastard of an orc and elf, or even the spawn of Ungoliath herself.
But she would always turn around and call them her Raven and Lion; her little treasures, her boys; and all would be right in the world. Dis would watch them dance around one another and thought it was cute. It mattered not to her about the circumstances surrounding them.
Of course, when Dis got over her initial shock she had Fili sing to her about the Moria he knew in his previous lives. So, in the court room, surrounded by family, friends, advisors, and subjects alike he sang. And he sung of everything, from the people that worked close with him, to the architecture of the mountain. Fili sung of being alone and he sung of finding family in his people.
His kingdom was his home and he sung of the pain he felt when he realized he no longer remembered the names of his long forgotten brothers and sisters of Khazad-Dum. His voice trembled when he sung the pain he felt on waking a second time as Durin, different than who he had been, and the golden prince got lost in his singing.
Everything was aired to the people of Erebor.
The countless lives he lived and the people he loved; all in one they were sung of and alluded to but the shining part of his song was the longevity of it. It symbolized his life and how long it would be until he could ever find peace in their maker's halls. His song was Fili in essence and there was nothing anyone could do to change that fact.
While many may not have liked him for his choices, they would respect him for his deeds.
Dis was there all along and smiled at her son; the brave little dwarfling she remembered had finally come into his own. Yes, he may of been Durin the Deathless, but he had yet to be Fili the Lion until then. The moment he found the personal courage to sing the song of his lives in front of those not of his kin and company, he had became was Dis had always hoped her son would be.
It was in this mountain that he loved and lost; this place was his forever home and he would imagine the tears and time he put into making this place his home. After many years of feeling as if this place was no longer what he wished it could be, his dear Uncle had done what people had lobbied against for so long. Years down the road he became ready for the last title he would ever carry.
So with a hand in his brother's and a foot out the door, Fili walked into the light of the Throne Room and out of the dark of his pasts. He felt the titles and placards fall from his soul and he became just. He became fierce. He became a shield. He became a shoulder to cry on. In the view of the full court and his mother and his people and his friends and his One; Fili became the King of Erebor.
It was the last lifetime he would spend on the throne.
When he was younger, he wondered what his next lifetime would be like but now he had no need for that knowledge. Because as he stepped up to take the throne, long gold hair blazing in the light of the Throne Room and his One next to him. He just knew that he had no need of another lifetime.
Fili had become something other than Durin.
He was his mother's son, he was Fili, son of Dis and he was no longer Deathless.
OMG I'M SO SORRY FOR THE WAIT PEOPLE! WHERE DID ALL THE TIME GO! I've been meaning to finish off some chapters for this but I guess the time ran from me.
Ragehappy Mavin Fan