#26 Jester is always armed.
Jester was an idiot. To even think she could beat him here was ridiculous! He was Edward Nigma after all, the Riddler. He couldn't help but smirk down at her as she stood with the very small, equally stupid members of her laughable gang – the only morons dumb enough to let the midget clown order them around – And pondered her predicament. Caught in a Riddler trap. No escape, not without using their brains. A deep frown had settled itself on her brow, apparently deep in thought. He couldn't resist a jab, despite her age and occupation. "You appear to be busy. I shall not interrupt y-"
"Shut up Eddie! I'm thinking!" Jester snapped.
Edward frowned but quickly settled back into his trademark smirk. "Does it hurt?" he teased. Her eyes roamed around the room looking for an advantage, trying to find a way out. The morons professing to follow her were staring at him, no doubt dumbfounded at the ease in which they'd been tricked into the riddle-room.
He delightedly watched Jester grind her teeth together to stop the angry comment from leaving her lips. She looked to her gang, no doubt for assistance or ideas, not that they were capable of rubbing more than two brain cells together. They proved him correct as they stared back at her with blank expressions on their faces. They were strong sure, but they were the most stupid thugs Edward had ever the pleasure of meeting and it seemed Jester agreed. "Absolutely useless," she muttered.
Edward smirked and leaned down looking over the railing. Of course he had already figured out ten ways of escaping and - no offense to Jester - she was not the brightest crayon in the box. There was little in the way of formal education but she was street-smart, hardly ignorant of the way the world worked. If she wasn't, then Edward wouldn't have bothered interacting with her, though considering their current situation he doubted they would be discussing anything ever again. "Come, come now little J, I have very little time today. I've already figured out hundreds of ways out of your predicament," He boasted.
"Well, bully for you!" Jester grumbled. "I'm kinda' teamed up with the most stupid thugs on the planet, so yeah. Can you see how hard this is for me?" So she was aware of the fatalistic flaw of her friends. Pity, he would have almost enjoyed the downfall that would have come with relying on them.
Edward tapped his chin in mock thought. "I'd say, very difficult. It doesn't really help, being an idiot. Not a complete idiot, but an idiot nonetheless." He swung his cane idly and began to casually walk towards the exit that was only accessible on the platform he was standing on. "Enjoy your time at Arkham little J. Do send Batman and the Doctors my regards, I wish I could come with you I really do, but my schedule is full at the moment," he chuckled as he got to the exit.
"Don't bet on it Eddie!" Jester shouted as she landed on the rusted railing of the catwalk he was standing on.
"What?! But how did you-?" Edward was bewildered and usually completely blind to the feelings of anyone but himself, but this time he could see anger etched on every fibre of her black and white being. When Jester gets angry she gets violent too and he was in no mood to deal with a fifth broken nose.
He turned on his heel and ran, there was really nothing else for it. His escape was marred by the voices of Jester's thugs begging her to help them out, Jester simply replied "Get out yourself, Ya' yellow bellied losers!"
"Oh god damn it!" Edward shouted as he realised just how annoyed Jester really was. She was an unpredictable time-bomb he had – inadvertently – set on himself.
He just had to get her riled up like this didn't he? He was in no way going to let her catch him, he had a reputation to uphold and no little undergraduate street rogue was going to be the end of it. He wouldn't allow it! He'd taken on Batman! Held his own against Penguin, Dent, Black Mask and Shark! They were all grown men who had made hobbies of taking people to pieces; he was not intimidated by an unpredictable, unfathomable miniature Joker!
Sprinting round a corner, the water from the rain splashed up his legs, cold shivers ran up and down his spine as well as making his freshly clean trousers dirty. His glasses had spray from the rain on them, making visibility very difficult and now he was positive that he was lost. "Damnitdamnitdamnit!" he mumbled as he hurtled down an ally to find himself at a dead end. He glared at the wall with utter hate. "Thank you!" he shouted at the sky. "Thank you so much!"
Suddenly he saw Jester at the mouth of the alley, her green eyes were shining with anger and hatred and Edward had caused it, oh joy of joys.
"Listen Jester-"
"No you listen Eddie! I may not be the smartest person in the goddamn world but I'm sure as hell not stupid!" she growled, somewhere in that sentence, she'd found he handle of a knife and pulled it. It gleamed in the rain.
"Listen here you little brat! I am the only one with any real intelligence! You are nothing but a lowlife street thug with a damn all-in-one bleach job! If that never happened then you would be nothing!" Why the hell was he annoying her even further? It didn't make any logical sense. It was his ego again, refusing to stop making situations worse.
Jester screamed in anger and launched herself at him, her knife flying through the air, he had the forethought to raise the cane and the metal bounced off, it clattered to the ground somewhere just behind him. He glared at Jester and swung the recently battered cane out at her, determined to give her a piece of his mind. He got lucky and struck Jester on her legs hard enough for her to buckle and land with a crack against the concrete floor.
Edward took this as his time to leave. He skirted around her and ran out of the alley. What he needed was to get to one of his hideouts, the place where he was in control and Jester couldn't touch him. After what felt like forever sprinting through the dirty and wet streets of Gotham with her never far from his tail, he finally managed to make it to his hideout. He should have never taken car transport for granted, never. He wouldn't have time to unlock it, he knew, and he hated using brute strength but sometimes even he was open to it and in this moment, heart pounding lungs about giving in on him, legs burning with pain, and the almost unknown but heady ingredient testosterone, he was going to risk looking like an idiot just to get inside and collapse on the floor.
He had never run this fast, not even from Batman but that was probably because Batman wouldn't kill him with his own pen, whereas Jester would and now she was angry, she would probably do it slowly too. That thought made Edward's feet quicken with the last bit of energy he had and he crashed through the door to his hideout, landing with clatter on the floor and breathing heavily as he rested and felt the rain cool his face. But he couldn't stay there forever; jester hadn't been far behind him, despite his long legs. She had an intimate knowledge of the city that would rival Ratcatcher's.
With his foot he kicked the door closed and slowly dragged himself to his feet. He tumbled into his chair with a sigh he closed his eyes, caught his breath and let his aching legs rest. God he was pathetically out of shape these days. He knew he would one day regret being allergic to exercise.
"Err boss?"
Oh god, not now! What did those idiots want this time? He knew he shouldn't have hired the biggest, stupidest but most amicable thugs in the entire city. "What is it Mannie?" he snapped with as much annoyance as he could muster at the moment.
"Err, Jester's here."
Edward's eyes snapped open and he jumped up. Adrenaline had already kicked in, ready to help his brain decide if it was going to fight or flight and generally, it was flight that won. You would be lucky if you saw him go from a standing start to flat out run. Mannie and Zowie stood in the room, each had Jester by an arm as she struggled against them screaming blue fury at Edward.
How had he not heard the screaming? He was pretty sure everyone in Arkham could probably hear it. "Jester. How nice of you to grace us with your presence," Edward chuckled when he saw that the kid had no ability to move thanks to the living clamps around her arms.
"We took her things off her boss. All of her weapons and stuff," said Zowie as he threw various metallic and dangerous looking objects onto a table at the back, far away from Jester's reach. Maybe there was a smidgeon of self-preservation in there after all. Edward's ego, ever on the lookout for opportunity, flashed to the foreground and despite being tired, he smirked and began to taunt her. "How stupid must you be? To even consider you could break into my hideout and not be found?"
Jester glared at him and struggled even more, she kicked her legs out at him to at least attempt to smack his shin in the vain hope he wouldn't be walking for a while without a limp or – if she could reach – kick him right in 'crown jewels'. She was fuming and Edward was going to get it. Not that he for a moment considered that he would. "So, my dull little crayon, what are you going to do now? You have no men and no weapons, you're stuck," Edward laughed.
Jester's eyes turned to slits and she made fists with her hands and swung them back, to hit Mannie and Zowie in between their legs, both thugs yelped in pain and fell to the floor, crying out in pain. As his hand found his beloved cane.
Jester raised and eyebrow at him and held up her finger as pause before leaning back, she stretched a little, bit her lip and looked up at the ceiling in thought before she eventually produced a billy club, with a triumphant smirk. Edward was dumbfounded. "How the hell did you sneak that in here?!"
"Oh you really don't want to know," she chuckled; the club drummed a beat on the palm of her hand as she watched his jerky movement. "Now Eddie. Let's see how blunt I can make that impressive mind of yours? But before we start a fight, do you want a cup of tea?"
Edward blinked a little. That wasn't what he'd expected, not even from an unpredictable clown. "Oh… err okay…"
'Do you take sugar?' Her tone was verging on syrupy.
'Yes,' He acknowledged.
"How many lumps do you want?" She asked. She was still swinging that club in a very offensive, premeditated way.
Edward blinked again. Now he was confused. "Umm… two or three."
Jester grinned. "Two or three lumps coming up!" she shouted and smacked the club down on his head. He was pretty sure the word stunned had never been so apt. He still, however, managed to stumble back and run despite the fact she was more than capable of chasing him. "Oh come on Ed' I want to show you slapstick!" she shouted and smacked him again, his legs buckled and he ended up on the floor.
Stupidly, Edward tried to get up before she swung for him again but only succeeded in getting smacked in the ribs. "There. Your three lumps. I hope you've learned Ya' lesson, see Ya'!" Jester waved as she skipped out of the hideout.
Edward wheezed, which was about all he was capable of doing. Oh he had learnt his lesson. Jester was always armed.
HA- Excuse me, I can't, I can't breathe I just – Seriously? He was beaten up by a kid? HAHAHA- No wonder he was in such a filthy mood when I got back. I need – really need – that security footage. It's going to keep me warm on so many bad nights. For someone so smart, he's so stupid! …Don't tell him I said that.
A/N: Another wonderful episode of 'Why my life sucks' featuring Edward Nigma brought to you by Bat-teen28! Review, show her some love!
Jester is Bat-teen's OC, and you'll see her again in the next chapter, though in a far less violent capacity. At least, I hope so.
Now, there's still one or two guest chapters in the works – Next week's will be a little something written by scribblescribblescribble – but I'll be back with something very soon!