Starbucks is one of those places that I'll never decide conclusively if I like or not. Sometimes I love the place and sometimes I hate it. A lot of that depends on the company and the subject of conversation that I associate with it at the time. Right now, I'm suspecting that I may come to hate it again.
"Run this by me again, Ron," Kim demands, on the high point of her little anger/sadness rollercoaster, "you expect me to believe that you're from some kind of alternate reality where I'm dead and the world is an oppressive utopia?"
"When you say it like that, it sounds absurd," I grin, reaching for my tea. I'm not a fan of caffeine and a long time in the orient with an English guy tends to leave marks.
"I'm not getting it. Are you trying to hurt me? Are you leaving me or something?" and now she's back on the down slope. I pause for a moment and let my gut think and simmer. Live in the moment. What do I want? Live the life you must and others will follow.
"Who are you?" I ask after a deep breath and a moment of hesitation. It's such a silly thing to ask and I know I'm going to have to set right what I mean but that's not the point.
"I'm Kim Possible, soon to be Kim Stoppable; your fiancé."
"That's not what I mean, Kim. I know what label you go by but that doesn't tell me anything much about what you really think and feel. Tell me who you are, tell me things that you've never admitted to yourself, let alone other people and then once you know yourself, you can start to understand me."
"That sounds like a load of new aged crap, Ron."
"Crap it may be but this is very old stuff. Now start talking."
"About what? You know most of what my Ron would know, which was most of it."
"I didn't know crap about Kim when it mattered. For instance, have you any idea what it feels like to have your best friend in the world lock you in a closet so that you can't interfere with her date with 'Golden Boy'? It wasn't as if there was any give and take on that subject either, she laid into me for the best part of an hour about skipping Bueno Nacho with her to have a date with Zita. Now, if you have some thoughts on the subject, lets hear them."
"That is so ferociously unfair, Ron. I've apologised for the closet thing more times than I can count. I didn't even know that you were locked in that closet."
"You locked it," I replied flatly.
"What?"
"You were the one that threw the catch. It's on the inside face of the lock. This became clear after I had Rufus trash the lock. Only way that door could have locked is if you did it."
"I…"
"How did Ron get out of that closet?"
"He had Rufus trash the lock. After I locked it. Look, I know what you're thinking," she announced, though I'm pretty sure she didn't, "Ron never argued and I told the lie that I'd apologised with so many times that it stuck. I just wanted to be alone with Josh. The same reason that I didn't pick up all those times that the kimmunicatior went off. I thought you'd make me feel bad."
"Why is that, I wonder?"
"Because if you called me on my lie, I'd not be able to keep it up. You know how bad I was at that with you," she says, looking hopeful. There were more than a few lies that only came out after her death so I know this isn't true. When Wade finally cracked into her diary, it turned out that not only had 'golden boy' made it to second base but apparently, I was actually his replacement, moodulator or not. At the time, I just wrote it off as hormones, lusting after the guy she saw all the time. In the darker moments, I assumed that those fantasies were directed at me because I was easy from her point of view.
I tilt my head to one side before I answer.
"I've read you diary up to the point of May 13th, the day before you died. You were dead so there was no way you could have edited it like you almost certainly did before showing it to this Ron. I know a lot of lies that came tumbling down after your death."
She recoils, panic in her eyes.
"You know about that?"
"For such a prude, thinking about having sex with me, even as the French like to say, 'le bum-secks,' was a little unexpected," I grin, then my face fell slightly, "but I simply assumed that was because I was the nearest guy or maybe because you thought I'd be easy. It wasn't until I found out the truth about the moodulators that I started to wonder. And there's only so much time you can lament not seeing signs," I finish with a feeling of perfect calm. In some ways, it was the calm before the storm.
"So what are you interrogating me for? You know I liked you, you know I loved you!" and now for the upslope. Full fledged rage is only a few moments away children.
"Still don't know what made you love me and if I don't know that, I can't decide if it's true now."
"Because you're sweet and kind and funny and loyal and would do anything for me. Because you're the best thing that ever happened to me!"
"That, Kim, is why you fail," I say, getting up from the table and walking away.