Edarchy

Chapter 26: A Foot and a Half of Unregistered Filler

Disclaimer: I don't own Ed, Edd n Eddy. The title is a slightly modified version of a line from Shotgun by Big Black (taken from their Racer-X EP). There's also some other stuff I don't own; if you know what they are, then you'll probably know who owns them.

A/N: In his review, BarthVader (a fellow troper, although I should point out that I don't have a TV Tropes account) mentioned in his review that, although no one said that the characters' lives had to be rollercoasters, he did complain about there being too much filler. Much like THE Brandon Brownson saying I should be a bit more show-don't-tell, this is actually a very good suggestion that I'll be implementing soon (not in this chapter, though. Maybe the next). So yeah, don't be afraid to make any suggestions (although I should point that that I won't create any couples because you ask me to; if you do see any new couples, or any couples breaking up, it's mostly because I planned it).

So what shall we be seeing in this chapter? Nothing really interesting. I tend to make these up as I go along. But I'll try to do something at least entertaining. I might add a funny moment or two - although chances are it would seem a bit forced - and, hopefully, write a chapter with very little angst (because Angstfest is over and I'm trying to come to terms with that. Apparently). OK, I'll get started now.

Saturday 3rd October 1998. Eddy was lying on the couch. However, he wasn't hungover, ill or asleep, he was just watching some TV. He wasn't watching anything interesting, just an old episode of Wheel of Fortune. He wasn't doing too bad, although I should point out that he had seen this episode before. On the stand next to him was a half-empty bottle of water (which was indeed just an empty beer bottle full of water). And, indeed, all was quiet, just as long as you ignore the sounds from the television and Eddy trying to guess the puzzles.

Then the phone rang. Eddy then got up and turned the TV off, because he couldn't be arsed to get the remote, which was on top of the TV. When he got to the phone, he picked it up and, before he could ask who it was, the voice on the other end went 'Hey Eddy, it's Ed.'

'Fucker.' Eddy rubbed his face for some reason. 'What do ya want?'

'Double D an' I are comin' over!' Ed yelled. However, it wasn't loud enough that Eddy had to put the phone away from him. He's getting better at it.

'For plot reasons?'

'Maybe.'

'Alright. When do ya think ya will get here?'

'Thirty mins?'

'Alright, just let me get back to my shows.'

'OK.'

Eddy then hung up the phone and went back to the TV. He picked up the remote and mumbled something about why he didn't see it there. He then shuffled back to the couch - remote in hand - and went back to lying down. He aimed the remote at the TV and turned it back on. Thankfully, it was still on the same channel. He then resumed watching his show and trying to guess the puzzles.

About thirty minutes later, there was a knock on the door. Eddy picked up the remote and turned the TV off. He got off of the couch and picked up the water bottle. He drank from it and put it back down. As he heard the door knock again, he said in a slightly annoyed tone 'Yeah, yeah, I'm comin'.'

He got to the door and opened it. It was Ed and Edd as promised. Ed was carrying his guitar for some reason. 'Hello, Eddy.' Edd said to his friend.

'Hey, Sockhead. Hey, Monobrow. Come on in.'

'Thanks.' Edd said as Eddy stepped aside to let his two friends walk in.

'So what do ya guys want?' Eddy asked, grumpily.

'I have something extraordinary to show you gents!' Edd announced.

'What is it?' Eddy asked. Everyone paused because they were expecting a sarcastic answer, but he couldn't think of one. Mostly because I can't think of one.

After another couple of seconds of silence, Edd answered 'You know how, under my hat is that horrific scar and a black mullet with blond bits?'

'Yeah?' Ed asked. 'Waddaboutit?' He said in a confused tone rather than being sarcastic. He might've had one or two sarcastic moments throughout the original show, but he became

Edd then took off his hat. His horrific scar - which doesn't seem that horrific if you look at it long enough - was still mostly obscured by his hair, but that wasn't important. It was the fact that Edd managed to get rid off the blond bits that seemed to shock Ed and Eddy. 'So.. Why did ya do it?' Eddy asked.

'Guess.' Edd replied.

'Guess?' Eddy was confused. 'I don't see what ya...' He then stopped to think about it. Fourth wall breaking powers activate! 'Ah, yeah, I see now. Damn fangirls.'

'Let's talk about something else before the author goes off on yet another rant criticising annoying fans.' Edd said. 'Besides, it's amazing why I didn't do this sooner.'

'Beats the hell outta me.' Eddy shrugged. ''Sides, what's with the guitar?'

Ed looked at the guitar. 'Dunno.'

'Who knows?' Edd said. 'Maybe it'll come in handy at some point.

'Maybe.' Eddy mumbled. 'Who knows? Who fuckin' cares?'

'You're probably right there.' Edd sighed. 'But still, shall we check the newspaper to see the movie listings?' Eddy, without saying a word, picked up a newspaper and tossed it over. Edd somehow managed to catch it without sustaining any paper cuts. 'It's been a while since we last saw a movie together.'

'Yeah, tryin' to remember what it was.' Eddy said. ' Wasn't Fear and Loathin', had to watch that by myself. Wasn't Titanic; found that mediocre and overhyped.'

'We all liked Saving Private Ryan. Even though Ed was more interested in the beginning.'

'Yeah...' Eddy looked at Ed. However, it wasn't a pleasant look. 'Wonder why that is...'

'It's 'cuz it was like Pimpsmasher #38!' Ed yelled, smiling like the pea-brained lump that he is. He's still more intelligent than me, though. 'That's the one with the zombie pimps with sword arms and sword legs!'

And, indeed, he pulled out a copy of said comic and showed it to his friends. In it, we see the zombie pimps trying to attack Pimpsmasher - whose pose is like a combination of Ash Williams from the Army of Darkness poster and Doomguy from the cover of the first Doom game - with their sword limbs (it's not that they have swords FOR limbs. It's that every part of their arms and legs - including the pores, hairs, nails and skin underneath - are made of katanas which are, in turn, made up of smaller katanas). Not to mention how Pimpsmasher, who was shouting "DIE!" to his would-be attackers, was holding a massive chainsaw (in one hand) where everything - the blade, the handle, the internal bits, all of it - was made of fire; the other hand was a fist so tight, the fingers were actually going into the hand. In the comic, the weapon's name is revealed to be the Flaming Flamesaw of Fire. And, somehow, the thing was set alight. Yes, in the world of Pimpsmasher, fire managed to catch on fire (instead of it - y'know - spreading, it was a flame surrounded by another flame). Well, this is the world of Pimpsmasher - who once said in a rare fourth-wall break: "FUCK LOGIC! FUCK PHYSICS! KILL FUCKING EVERYTHING!" Right before he rain straight through a pimp, spraying the pimp's innards over a 396-mile radius. Which was a scene from this very issue

Edd and Eddy took a long look at the cover before the former went back to reading the newspaper. 'Hm... We could see Ronin.' Edd suggested. 'But, unfortunately, Ed would think that it's an adaptation of a comic book.'

'How do ya know it ain't?' Eddy was curious.

'Because I saw it with Marie a couple of days ago.' Edd replied. 'It wasn't too bad.' Of course, this isn't my opinion because I haven't seen it. 'But, if I can remember, there are three new films out this week.'

'I'm not gonna ask anythin'.' Eddy mentioned. 'I'd make an ass outta myself.'

'Had you asked, Eddy,' Edd started. 'I probably would've pointed at a section where it reads "Still New!".' He indeed pointed to that specific section of the film listings. 'But if we want to see something relatively new, we have Antz, with a Z at the end instead of an S; A Night at the Roxbury; or What Dreams May Come.'

Eddy then metaphorically looked over the three choices. 'Definitely not that last one.' He came to one conclusion. 'Sounds like a crappy chick flick. And we ain't chicks.'

'Unless we come across some of our crazier fangirls.' Edd retorted.

'Touché.' Eddy said. 'As for Antz...' Eddy put plenty of emphasis on the Z, if you're wondering. '... I dunno. It's probably a kid's movie.'

'So?' Edd asked, somewhat out of character.

'Ya do know I ain't a huge fan of kids, right?' Eddy explained.

'True. Plus it'd probably be sold out. Or there won't be enough seats. So, if the latter's the case, there would probably be some convoluted plot trying to sneak all three of us into the screen which would end with all three of us barred from the theatre.' He paused to reflect on that. 'Glad we're no longer the adolescents we were about a decade ago.'

'Yeah.' Eddy then realised something. 'Why do we have to see new movies? I mean, ain't there somethin' out last month we could watch?'

'The author probably wants the audience to remember it's still 1998.' Edd explained, with a hint of sarcasm in his voice. 'But if we want to see a new movie, our only choice it seems is A Night at the Roxbury.'

'It's that movie based on that SNL thing, right?'

'Yes.'

'Yeah, that sounds good.' Eddy nodded in agreement. Or would if he had a neck. ''Sides, we all like that song, right?' Ed opened his mouth, as if he was about to speak. 'Don't sing, Lumpy.' Ed then closed his mouth.

'And I do have to admit that the sketch is quite amusing.' Edd admitted. 'So... Shall we watch that?'

'Yeah.' Ed and Eddy said in unison.

'Very well. We've managed to come to a decision.'

'It makes me so happy I could sing!' Ed said. He picked up his guitar and strummed it. Despite it not being plugged into an amp or anything like that, it still played like a normal electric guitar. 'Oh...'

Before he could actually sing, however, Eddy picked up Ed's guitar - which was resting against the wall - and repeatedly whacked Ed over the head with it (despite being over half a foot shorter). He did this until the guitar was being held together by one string. 'I hate random, outta-nowhere musical numbers!'

'Eddy!' Edd yelled in horror. 'Isn't that a bit harsh?'

'Nah, don't worry, it'll fix itself.'

'Oh really?' Edd looked at Eddy sceptically.

'Yeah! Look' Eddy held out the hand that was holding the guitar, only for it to be not there. Eddy then looked at that hand for a second or two before saying 'Oh wait, it's this one.' He then held out his other hand. Indeed, the guitar was fixed and he was holding it by the neck. He then handed it back to his friend, who was on the floor, relatively unconscious with a large lump on his head.

Eddy looked to his left, then to his right, before pushing down on Ed's lump. Somehow, it manged to bring him back into the world of the living. 'Thanks, Eddy!'

'So, ignoring the sudden and unexplained drop in Ed's IQ - whichI pray is temporary - we shall see A Night at the Roxbury, unless we manage to find a better movie when we get there.' Edd pretty much summed up what they were talking about

'Yeah,' Eddy agreed. 'Also, hope ya don't turn into a faggot and I don't start shoutin' for no fuckin' reason.' I'd love to see how many people accuse Eddy of being homophobic. This might not seem like much but, if you've read this from the beginning, you should know that Eddy has been openly pansexual since he was 16.

'Guys, are we gonna see a movie?' Ed asked. It wasn't a stupid question, but rather him saying that we should definitely move on with what little plot there is.

'Yeah, let's go.' Eddy started complaining. ''Cos we're probably gonna be stuck here forever.'

'Alright then.' Edd said. 'Who's driving?'

Eddy then picked up both sets of his keys. He then headed towards the door with his two friends behind him. Outside, Kevin dropped off a customer, who gave him his fare. That is, the customer paid Kevin, not the other way round. This isn't Nodnol, y'know! Anyways, the Eds walked up to him. 'What do you dorks - and Double D - want?' Before one of them could answer, Kevin spoke again. 'Is it about me and Double D being together? Because I don't swing that way. Sure I've seen a few good dicks, but that's about it. Hell, even if I was gay or whatever, I don't feel all that into him.'

'Kevin...' Edd said. However, Kevin didn't listen.

'And there's me rapin' him or whatever. I. Hate. Rape. OK? I once hit a rapist with my car and got the Key to the City.' He reached into his pocket and pulled out a newspaper clipping from 1997. The headline read "Taxi Driver Foils Attack" and the picture showed Kevin - who had a smaller goatee than he does now - in a black suit, white shirt and a red and white striped tie (even though the picture was in black and white) being handed a giant key (which is only used for photos; the key you get to take home is slightly smaller but on a faux-wood plaque with your name and the date you got it) by an off-screen figure (presumably the mayor. The picture's been in his pocket for a while and it's starting to decay a little). 'See?'

'Kevin...' Edd tried to snap the former jock back into reality.

'Not to mention there's me hatin' gay people. I wasn't that fond of them at first - mostly 'cos I was scared they might chat me up. But when my cousin John came out, I started seeing them in a different light. 'Cos he and I hung out a lot, despite me being built and him being a little bit...' He paused, trying to think up a softer word for it. When that failed, he decided to be forward with it. 'Fat. It was kinda weird 'cos he didn't seem gay; he was a dude who loved computers, knew this Eric kid and...'

'Hey Shovelchin!' Eddy yelled.

'What?' This time, Kevin actually responded to someone speaking to him.

'We actually wanted to say "Hi".' Edd explained.

'Whoa,' Kevin said, just noticing it now. 'I made a real dork outta myself.'

'You've been though a lot worse.' Edd said.

'Yeah, true.' Kevin chuckled a little bit - although it sounded fake - and sighed heavily. 'Well, I gotta go. Plenty of fares and probably get something nice for Nazz.'

'But what about the...' Eddy began before he was cut off.

'When I get started on something, I start becoming the author's bitch.' Kevin explained. 'As if he don't know how to write me.' He then got back into his cab and rolled down the window. 'Catch ya dorks later!' He then rolled the window up, put his seatbelt on and drove away.

As the Eds watched him drive off out of the cul-de-sac, Edd remarked 'That was intriguing. We certainly learned something from our former nemesis.'

'Yeah...' Eddy then tried to sum up the entire chapter. 'Shame it was the only good part. That and Ed's crappy comic.'

'True. Now let's go to the cinema.' Edd said. Eddy locked his house door and unlocked the van. Eddy got into the driver's seat, Ed got into the passenger's seat and Edd managed to squeeze into the back. Eddy started the car, reversed out into the cul-de-sac and switched on the radio. They were hoping to get What is Love, but they didn't. Instead, they turned to a random station and ended up listening to Cypress Hill (more specifically, Insane in the Brain), which they ended up jamming to, despite not really being fans of the genre. Still, at least it kinda geared them up for whatever movie it is they're about to watch.

A/N: I might be a little late, but whatever. Either way, I'd like to congratulate Jason Collins for coming out. Despite the fact I'm not really into basketball. Still, you have to admit that it takes a lot of guts.

So yeah, nothing really interesting happened here. This chapter pretty much broke a short streak of longer chapters with plenty of filler, by being a not-so-long chapter of filler. Sorry about that. But still, it could be worse. It could be another Chapter 12. At least this one had Pimpsmasher in it! Still, the only way to pad this out is to add explanations. Because everyone loves them:

1) Originally, this chapter was going to be called "You Fucking People Make Me Sick" and have Kevin and Eddy make fun of yaoi at the beginning (or, rather, one thing about yaoi that really pisses me off). But I scrapped it for one or two obvious reasons (mostly because of the title). Either way, I managed to make one or two potshots at Keveddpalooza (which is what I call the recent spate of Kevedd fics), which still confuses me. Oh well.

2) Personally, I didn't find Titanic mediocre and overhyped; that was just Eddy talking. I mean, I didn't find it good, but I didn't find it bad either (I can only describe it as... alright.). What I did find mediocre and overhyped, however, was The Hunger Games. Sue me.

3) 26 chapters in and already I start mentioning rap or hip-hop or whatever. I'm not a huge fan of the genre, but wow. I completely forgot about that. Well, since it was quite big in the 90s (I may be understating here), I should mention it more often.

4) I seriously forgot how to write Kevin in this chapter. Hopefully, I'll remember how to properly write him. Until then, I'll try to come up with a lame excuse.

Alright, I think that's about it. Sorry about how uninteresting this chapter was. After the last two chapters, I was a bit stuck for ideas. I'll add a new character in a future chapter (but it'll be before 1999. I don't know whether or not to end 1998 after 34 chapters or 36 chapters, but we'll see). But for now... I don't know what's going to happen next. I want to lay off the whole LGBT rights thing as it's getting a little heavy-handed here (although, over a week after this chapter was set, Matthew Shepard - a gay student - was brutally murdered). But yeah, I'll try to think of something. Alright, so take care and I'll get to work on the next chapter after a couple of days.

P.S. RIP Jeff Hanneman. Even though I'm not into metal (apart from industrial and drone), I will still admit that Angel of Death is an awesome song.