The rain was pleasant from the vantage point of April's luxury condominium. The rhythmic drumming on the window panes made a peaceful counterpoint to her trashy private eye novel. She was between contracts and expecting absolutely no one, thus allowing herself a welcome break from the adult world.
Casey was off to Northampton for an impromptu fishing trip, supposedly. April had no idea whether or not it was a truthful reason - rather doubted it, actually. Tonight, she couldn't bring herself to care. Even if Casey wasn't able to admit how frequently he still felt compelled to indulge in solo vigilante street warrior crap, at least his methods were improving. He was taking his time lately, picking his targets more carefully and making plans in advance. Just last week she had been attempting to straighten up the garage and utility space that was primarily his domain, and came across a stash of papers that he probably had not meant for her to see. She wound up slumped over his workbench, pouring over hastily scrawled notes, ominous lists of names, a hand-drawn layout of a building with exits and security cameras marked, a supplies list. He was trying to take better care of himself, possibly even for her sake. It seemed like steps in the right direction.
Anyway, what good did it do either of them for her to linger in bitter suspicion? She would not allow herself to investigate his half-hearted excuses this time. Instead, she would focus on the unexpected benefit of having the whole house to herself for the next few days. Her business cell was powered off and the fridge was well-stocked. The plan was to stay in all day dressed in silly adult-sized onesie pajamas, reading and surfing the net. Maybe she would binge watch something on Netflix later. Dark chocolate would get involved at some point. Most importantly, nothing at all productive would be accomplished today.
That had been the plan. But even my best laid plans, April reflected as she spied two skulking, familiar-shaped visitors on her fire escape, have a way of going haywire once ninja turtles get involved. Shewaited for the polite rapping of thick green knuckles on her windowpane and was not disappointed
"Hey, April," Leo greeted as she approached. His voice came muffled and his face was distorted by the rain-streaked glass. "Sorry we didn't call ahead."
April's heart leapt and she found that she could not be even slightly upset at the sight of them. It all went back to the very reason she had jumped at the chance for a Central American contract, in spite of the risk - the reason she had spent several extra weeks on her own dime investigating small villages, chasing vague rumors of the Ghost of the Jungle. Yes, the reasons she had told Leo were true as well - the others needed him back, perhaps desperately! She truly believed that.
But she had also been afraid for her own reasons. She had been afraid that she was losing them.
Even now, she was nursing a secret fear that Leonardo's homecoming wouldn't matter, after all. Once the excitement of the Winters adventure subsided, April worried that her life would go back to the way it had been before: peaceful, profitable... and so very mundane.
More than anything else, she just plain missed them. But unless she initiated the contact herself and scheduled a get-together, the days without hearing from the turtles would stretch into weeks. April had let them go purposefully for a time, once she'd begun to feel resentment and hurt building like a slow cancer beneath her ribcage. She deliberately stopped calling them, as a masochistic sort of experiment. How awful it had been to watch the weeks without them stretch into months. They had been such lonely and unmagical months.
But this was fresh evidence that her expensive gambit had paid off. Here they were, unsolicited! Two of them, anyway. I'll take it! she thought fiercely as she muscled the stubborn window open and felt an honest, involuntary smile light her whole face. "Raph! Leo! Gosh, you're both soaking wet. Get in here, but stay off the sofa until I find you two a couple of towels."
She eyed them to make sure they were going to stay put. That's when it registered that both turtles were trying not to stare at her. April looked down at herself and sighed. "Okay. Yes. I am wearing a Yoda onesie." She held her hands up to either side in invitation, "Let's get the comments out now."
"They're… they're very charming," Leo's choked compliments were hasty and unconvincing.
Raphael merely widened his eyes and pressed his mouth together, like he knew better than to fall into that trap. He gave a thumbs up instead of speaking. In that moment, April thought the red-masked turtle wise beyond his years.
Donatello or Mikey would have gotten a kick out of them, April couldn't help thinking. She shot Leo a wry glance and went to fetch the towels.
She watched as the two turtles dried off in silence. Now that the brief distraction of her silly pajamas was behind them, it seemed to her that Raphael looked upset. But then, he usually did to some degree. And Leo… well, he seemed calm enough. But then, he usually did! Argh, frustrating turtles. They would already be talking if something was wrong, wouldn't they? April was fairly sure that Leonardo wouldn't have let her get a word in edgewise for something even semi-urgent. She looked again and decided that Leo's gaze was entirely too indirect and thoughtful for her comfort. She had seen him wear a look like this before, when he was preparing to say something important. It sent a creeping sensation down the back of her arms.
"I was just about to make some hot tea, if either of you would…" Wait, Raphael doesn't ever want tea. April had glanced away in her sudden discomfort, but now she looked back at them to amend quickly, "Or… I think Casey still has some beer in the fridge?"
"Maybe water?" the more taciturn brother counter-offered politely.
"I can do that! This new fridge filters the water, makes ice cubes, and everything. I assume tea will be fine with you, Leo?"
"Better than fine. Sounds amazing." His head ducked in an informal bow of gratitude.
"Coming right up! Well, make yourselves comfortable," April said, parting her hands graciously. "I'll be right back... Oh. You're not hungry, are you?"
"Actually, we just ate lunch at this sub place Raph's crazy about…"
She had half turned away but that comment brought her back around to face the turtles squarely. "You took Leo to That Sub Place?" She gave a sunny smile of approval, cheering, "Aww, Raph! I'm so proud of you."
That got Leo out of such-a-polite-guest-mode, at least temporarily. He turned to Raph and demanded, "So April knows about That Sub Place. Does everybody know?"
"Ahh," Raphael hedged, scratching the back of his neck. "Depends. I mean, when ya say everybody…"
"Ugh, nevermind. Your whole body language just answered the question for me," Leo griped, glancing away sharply to hide a grin he could not completely suppress.
There, everything is fine. All that worry for nothing! April turned to get their drinks. That's honestly what she intended to do as she stepped out of sight. But then, distantly behind her, she overheard Raphael mutter explosively, "What the hell was that?"
"I did think they were charming! Yoda from Star Wars. I got the reference right away, but was trying not to laugh. I thought it might be rude..."
"Not that! What're we having a tea party for, anyway? When she gets back in here, quit dicking around and ask her about Donnie! If I get too impatient, I just might hafta do it for ya."
She didn't mean to eavesdrop, but fell involuntarily still at those words. Icy panic ran down her spine and sluiced in her gut. Donnie! Oh, God... Is that why they've come?
"We're guests in her home, Raph. We don't have to be barbarians about this."
"I wasn't going to be a barbarian," Raphael scoffed at the dramatic word. "I'd just rather get to the point. This ain't a social call..."
April stumbled a step backwards, then another, then turned and fled back into the kitchen to busy her shaking hands with the simple tasks of fetching ice water and starting tea. She filled an electric kettle and pressed a button, lamenting for the first time that she had replaced her old fashioned stovetop kettle. This new one would cause the water inside to boil much too quickly.
Relax, she counseled herself desperately. You knew this was coming! A family as closely knit as theirs, they can't keep secrets from each other long term. It's - it's socially and biologically impossible!
Butat the same time, she was racking her brain with the same unsolvable questions she had asked herself so many times before: What do I say, though? How do I explain myself? How do I look any of them in the eye and admit what happened? How can I repeat the awful things he said?
April caught a glimpse of herself reflected in the faces of modern stainless steel appliances and saw frizzy, unstraightened strawberry blonde hair escaping beneath stuffed yoda ears. She saw herself wringing her hands in dismay and pacing the tiled floor. Enough, she decided, and forced herself to think of nothing except taking long, slow breaths in and out, tried to picture each breath like energy being drawn from the world and then released with each exhale, using relaxation techniques Splinter had made her demonstrate each time they practiced together.
After several of these, April felt herself capable of filling a glass of ice water. There. At least that's accomplished. The container made an unfamiliar click as she set it down on the smooth countertop of her cramped but well-appointed kitchen. She was not yet accustomed to the everyday sounds of her new condo. Even the clack of the electric kettle, meant to announce the readiness of the boiling hot water within, sounded unfamiliar and loud to the point of rudeness.
April scowled at the traitorously convenient object and needed several more deep, centering breaths before she could find the courage to begin steeping Leonardo's tea.
As their fingers rhythmically slammed on the colorful keys, Don tried to keep up with Michelangelo. But his brother had many natural gifts, such as insanely good hand-eye coordination and an inner fount of motivation and energy that was apparently without limit.
In stark contrast, Donatello was tired. This weariness had settled over him swiftly. Now it clung to him like an unwanted blanket in summer, except he couldn't shake it off. It was, by now, a familiar sort of tired, and always came with a melancholy malaise that made his thoughts feel as heavy and clumsy as his limbs. Worst of all, every task became harder. Even playing Guitar Hero with Mikey, a pastime he should have enjoyed, felt like a monumental chore.
If I could somehow bottle that irrepressible essence which Mikey just takes for granted… Don hadn't any idea how to do such a thing. Huh. Jonas might actually know... Then again, he doubted he would be able to keep up with the alien chemist's explanation - especially not in his current, crashed out state.
Furthermore, Donatello knew exactly what would restore him. By this point, he had given up trying to repress the thought.
He knew he and his brother had shared an important moment back in the kitchen. This was the two of them goofing off together, 'just like old times' - purposefully ignoring the fact that they'd just shared a fairly intense reconnection. This was supposed to be a playful moment, but an important one too. It was an unspoken reassurance that the two of them would be okay. Mikey was trying so hard. And it was finally happening. He was getting his best friend back. It was going better than he could have dreamed! Donatello didn't want to risk screwing that up just because he was so… well, screwed up.
Some truly evil part of his psyche outlined the truth with academic cheer: Not to mention, suffering from some good, old-fashioned - and certainly well-deserved - psychological withdrawal! It's important to be accurate.
Whatever. That was his problem to deal with, and completely unrelated to the present drama. Yes, it was entirely for Mikey's sake and for the sake of their relationship that Donatello was actively wracking his brain for a reasonable-sounding exit. It wouldn't take him very long. He could do a few bumps and be back downstairs in no time... It took his sluggish mind longer than it should have to realize that an obvious solution was resting squarely in his hands.
"Hey, you wanna switch to main guitar…?" Michelangelo suddenly offered. Having noticed the scoreboard, he was now glancing over at Don with politely veiled concern. "That's what you normally play, right?"
"What? No... I mean, yeah, but that shouldn't matter." And here it was: the perfect opportunity to escape. Mike was handing it to him on a silver platter. His mouth was too wet suddenly. Donatello swallowed hard. "It's just… lately I've been practicing with this redesigned controller. These guitars that ship with the game, they aren't exactly what I would call ideal for three-fingered mutants with extra large hands, you know?"
Michelangelo's mouth dropped open in surprise before he readily agreed, "Dude, tell me about it! Waitwaitwait. Are you saying you invented a Guitar Hero controller that's actually designed for us? And you didn't tell me about this idea, like - the very second it popped into your genius brain!?"
Numbers on both sides of the scoreboard were plummeting now. Mikey had dropped his plastic guitar and was shaking Donnie's shoulder with enthusiasm.
"Uh. Well, it's just a proof of concept! It's not even guitar shaped just yet, but… yeah. It definitely works."
"Huh." That admission cooled some of the hyperactive brother's excitement. "I think it has to be guitar shaped. That's the whole idea, right? It's called Guitar Hero, not Joystick Hero."
"It's not a joystick," he defended with a reluctant grin, all too aware that it was a fair assumption. Donatello had a nostalgia for classic joysticks which often presented itself in his designs. "I just haven't gotten around to making it... exactly, well.. guitar shaped yet."
"So what shape is it?" Mike wanted to know.
"The main part hangs from a cord around my neck and braces against the plastron." Don made crisp gestures with his hands to help convey the concept. "There's also sort of a wand for the left hand. For now I've got them connected with a wooden dowel."
"Necklace Hero, huh?" Michelangelo's face was dubious as he tried to picture it. "Or maybe Necklace-on-a-Stick Hero..."
"Okay, so it's a really crudeearlyprototype!" Don amended, feeling his pride beginning to stir somewhere beneath the murk of his ulterior desires. "But, still. It's kind of awesome. I can destroy that one Dragonforce song with it."
Mike clicked his tongue, unimpressed. "Even Leo beat that song."
"Yeah? Did he beat it on Expert?"
Mikey's eyes widened. "Fuck you. None of us can play on Expert!" Harsh words, but a huge grin was beginning to stretch from one round cheek to the other. "Screenshot or it didn't happen!"
"Oh. Well, that could be tricky." Don stalled, and for no better reason than to whip his less-than-patient brother into a proper state of console nerd frenzy. "As it happens, I did take a screenshot. Because it was a momentous victory, obviously! Unfortunately I was playing on an alien emulator at the time, and… well, I wasn't precisely here when it happened, if you follow. There's no connecting to the lair's cloud server from inside a pocket dimension, so I was only able save it locally..." Nonetheless, he took out his phone and stared at the screen as if he was now pondering a way to make the impossible happen.
"Dude, forget about the screenshot. Forget all of that." Mike stabbed one finger violently in the direction of Don's room. "Go NOW! Venture forth, to whatever crazy dimension you stashed this thing in. Bring it to me immediately, Otōto! And if you think you can get away with leaving such an awesome prototype unfinished for too much longer, well... for once my brainy little brother is SADLY mistaken!"
"Ugh," Don's tone was good-natured, in spite of rolling his eyes and falling back into comfortable sarcasm. "That will take some getting used to."
"Yeah? I must already be used to it! Came out super natural, if you ask me."
"Your face is supernatural," the genius mocked under his breath, just to show Mike that he was taking his new role of little brother seriously.
"Ha!" Mike cackled and agreed, "Yeah, it totally is! Good one. Now… seriously. Go get the thingy."
At this, Donatello practically bounced up the stairs to the lair's second level, but his enthusiasm was entirely for Mikey's sake. The false cheer fell apart like so much wet toilet paper as soon as his self-proclaimed new big brother was out of sight.
Don's desire to get on with feeling better was pushing hard against his conscience now. Guilt had put him in the mood to drag his feet, yet they drove him forward at an urgent pace.
The main problem with relying on big brothers, Donatello reflected, is that they are not always around. And even when they are there for you - even when they love and support you more than you probably deserve, it only makes them want very badly to trust you. Big brothers are unfortunately very easy to mislead.
April was hyper-aware of their eyes tracking her as she took a cautious path around a sharp-edged coffee table. She kept her back very straight and her green eyes were trained on the tray of drinks in front of her, putting a lot of focus into keeping it steady. The creamy white carpets had been a horrible choice. She felt like she was walking onto a stage, or maybe into an interrogation room, and about to be blinded by the lights.
Somehow she managed to set the tray down without incident and remained outwardly calm as she took a seat. Leonardo took that as a cue and immediately leaned forward to fill the delicate clay cups. This tea set he now poured from was one of many artifacts they had uncovered and appropriated during her days living above the antique shop. She had hung onto it specifically because the leader in blue took such an obvious liking to it. The set was wholly incongruous with her ultra-modern condominium, but that didn't matter to April. Leonardo's love for the piece had long since transferred to become her own. She would never replace it. Even now, his face lit with pleased recognition at the sight of it, and her pounding heart grew ever so slightly calmer.
They were still her friends, still her family. This didn't have to be as painful as she had imagined it. Sure, it would be hard to relive those moments, but maybe the turtles would forgive her. Maybe she could heal and move on from the traumatic night if she opened up enough to talk about it. Maybe it would help to heal the rift she had perceived to be growing between all of them.
She cleared her throat and wondered softly, "Why isn't Michelangelo here?"
"Mikey?" Leo blinked up at her from where he had just finished filling her cup. He gave her a curious half smile, then straightened to assure her, "He's still back at the lair. They're stuck doing this lesson, which Raph and I got excused from... it's complicated." He rolled his eyes, then lifted his tea cup to appreciate the aroma briefly before adding, "I can't help noticing you didn't ask why Donnie didn't come."
"Nope," April agreed, with a quiet emphasising pop at the end of the word. "Sure didn't."
Raphael and Leo exchanged a glance. Then they were both looking at her.
"I know why Donnie hides from me," she went on to explain. "And, of course, you had the excuse of being sent on some spiritual coming of age journey-" Her eyes had been steady on the elder turtle brother, but now her gaze fixed on Raph. "And you I get. You and Casey might as well be two troubled solo vigilante peas in a pod. But…" April looked down at her tightly folded hands and her face took on fresh creases as she quietly admitted, "I have NO idea what went wrong between me and Mikey."
Raphael and Leonardo exchanged another glance, and this time it was full of shared understanding. Leo looked back at her and spoke promptly, "I wouldn't take it personally. He's been... distracted lately. Apparently while I was gone, he took up some questionable hobbies and made interesting new friends."
"Interesting?" Raph muttered. "Guess that's one word for those scrappy little thug wannabes…"
"We're still trying to decide how we feel about them," Leonardo confessed with a forced smile.
"I ain't deciding!" Raph corrected. "Maybe you're still deciding, but I already told you exactly how I feel. Except for Angel, I don't like 'em!"
"We're, ah, having a lot of feelings about it. "They're taggers. Mike's decided that he's a tagger. Artistic vandalism is, apparently, super fun."
"That Pyro kid is a junkie and a confirmed piece of shit," Raph continued to mutter under his breath, speaking half to himself. "Ain't above breaking into local businesses when he's hard up for a fix. I've taken him down like six different times!"
Leonardo tilted his head and seemed to file away that information for future investigation. Rather than pursue it, he took a thoughtful sip from his teacup and eventually said, "For better or worse, Mike has already revealed himself to these humans. The whole thing came to a head last week. To my surprise, Mike was more than willing to submit to any expectations I might have regarding his use of marijuana - but he refused to give up these new friends. He was... adamant." The young chunin spun the teacup gently in his fingers and hitched one shoulder in a minimal shrug. "It was too good a bargain to pass up. I've agreed to give these kids a chance."
"Confirmed piece of shit," Raphael repeated slowly, pinching his fingers for emphasis.
Leo smiled tightly and insisted, "We're working through it. But honestly, April... it isn't concern for Mikey that brings us here today."
"You're here to talk about Donnie," she deduced softly.
"That's right," the young leader agreed gravely. "We're both extremely worried about him. We know something is wrong, but he hasn't been forthcoming. A moment ago, you said you knew why he hides from you - but Raph and I still have no idea what happened."
"Oh, that. Well…" April glanced down, unable to bear his gaze. So earnest and direct. Her eyes were suddenly hot with tears. "It's all my fault," she croaked. "I made a mistake, and it screwed up our friendship."
The two turtles were plainly astonished. She had no choice but to explain herself, even though her throat had constricted into a painful knot that made each word a struggle. "Casey…" She bared her teeth in a rictus of shame. Every word hurt. "I haven't. If I talk about this. You can't…"
"I won't speak of it," Leo promised gently. He glanced over at his brother. Raph was already starting to frown.
"I know, Raphael." April shook her head with genuine regret. "I know how close you two are. How unfair it is, for me to even-"
"I won't speak about it, either," Raphael abruptly declared, cutting her apology short. When everyone looked at him in surprise, the turtle gave a defensive shrug and said, "I'm serious! That's how freaked out we are." His amber eyes fixed on her intently. "Yeah. Whatever you need, sister. Casey's gonna hafta take care of himself."
April was speechless for several beats, struck mute by a strange blend of relief and terror. At last, she said, "You two have probably gathered that Casey and I went through a rough patch. We were working opposite shifts and hardly saw each other. And even when we did, we weren't seeing eye to eye on - well, a lot of things. At one point, I seriously considered calling it quits." She sipped her tea and set it back down without tasting it, more to stall for courage than anything. "What I don't think anyone realizes is that… for a time, anyway... I thought I might leave him for Donnie."
She could see the impact of her words hit both of their faces. Neither had been prepared for that. "He was coming over to visit a couple times a week, keeping me company. He would bring projects to work on sometimes, or he'd help me with - well, literally anything I needed. This turn my career has taken - so much of what I do is solitary now. Aside from meeting and delivering to the clients, I spend a lot of my time surrounded by strangers or completely alone. And it's sporadic. There can be long stretches between contracts. I'd been going half crazy with loneliness. I was just so grateful to have someone around, someone courteous and caring, someone who appreciated me, who noticed me. And Donnie always used to notice. I wouldn't have to tell him that I'd had a bad day. He would just... know. He knew it as soon as he saw my face."
April faltered, startled by the wistful tone her voice had taken. She was back with Casey, after all. She was committed to him. But having heard herself say those words, and the way she had said them, it became harder to kid herself. She missed him. She missed the Donatello she had come to know, the new intimacy and connection that had seemed to grow between them. It had seemed to get stronger every day - right up until it imploded, right before her eyes.
"We got so close, so quickly," she said, lowering her lashes and dropping her voice to a hush. "I don't know exactly when I started to… to think of him that way. I mean… I've always mothered the four of you, to some extent." She sniffed and waved a hand at Raph. "Big Sistered. Whatever! It sort of... snuck up on me."
The brothers shared a quick wordless glance that was hard to interpret. Leonardo was the first to look back at her. "So... you and Donnie. You two have actually…" The leader's veneer of calm cracked as he struggled to find the appropriate words. By the look on his face, he did not seem to enjoy whatever mental imagery he was picturing.
Raph seemed to have an easier time with the news. "Son of a bitch," he muttered under his breath. "Mikey was right all along."
"He would still owe me forty-five bucks," Leo couldn't help correcting. "Jhanna was the first. Don himself confirmed it."
April eyed the pair but found herself unable to summon any feminist outrage over the fact that they had apparently taken bets about her sex life. Sometimes it was difficult to remember that the turtles were teenagers, but this was not one of those times.
"Jhanna was the first," she agreed. A completely irrational flare of jealousy pitched her voice hollow and flat. "She will always be first. Renet came second...even if Don 'cannot confirm nor deny it.' But I was not the third. No…" Her throat closed up involuntarily. April felt tears begin a burning trail down the inner curve of her cheek. "I wasn't anything."
Both of the turtles gave an audible exhale of relief. It was plainly obvious that neither had expected to hear what she had to say. Apparently it was welcome news.
"So what did happen between you two?" Raphael demanded, too impatient to wait for his sibling to formulate a more tactful inquiry.
"Isn't it obvious by now?" April croaked. She leaned forward to partially cover her face with both hands. "I finally found the courage! To tell him - no, to show him how I felt. I spent the whole night fumbling for words. Saying too much, but at the same time, hardly anything. Everything was coming out wrong. Finally, I just… I pulled him closer and kissed him. But he stopped me right away."
"He did what?" Leo blinked at her in sheer disbelief.
"He stopped me! I don't know why I'd been so sure that he… I always thought he might have feelings for me. I'd thought so for a while. For a split second I was convinced that he would kiss me back. But… he didn't. I was wrong. He stopped me right away. And then… well." April's salt-stung eyes drilled into the floor. Her rough voice fell to just above a whisper. "He turned me down."
April glanced up to see that both turtles were thrown by this conclusion. At the time, she had been every bit as baffled.
"That makes no sense." Leo frowned and glanced at his brother for confirmation before looking back to assure her, "Donatello adores you, April. He's had a crush on you for - probably as long as we've known you! It's been completely obvious to the rest of us for ages."
He looked to Raphael for support and got none, just a blank stare. Leonardo made an impatient sound in the back of his throat, startling Raph into the realization that actual words were expected of him. His eyes widened and he blurted, "For real. Don's had a huge boner for ya, from day one."
Leonardo gave his brother an exasperated look.
"What?" Raph griped. "That's what a crush is. Having a huge boner for somebody. We pretty much said the same thing!"
Any further reproach from Leo was cut short by April. She clenched both fists and snapped, "Well, guess what? Both of you were wrong. And, so was I. He had ALL of us fooled."
"Did Donnie actually…" Leonardo's brow creased and he trailed off. A beat later, he seemed to scrap whatever he'd been trying to ask and started over. "When he turned you down, did he give any specific reason?"
"Oh, yes," April confirmed, clipped with bitterness. "Reasons. There were several. Apparently he doesn't think of me that way and never has. Apologized for anything he might have done to give me the wrong impression. He said I was very special - Casey too. He said he had come to view both of us as family. Close family. Much too close for him to be comfortable with any… I think the phrase he used was 'romantic entanglement'?"
"Bullshit," Raphael rejected her words, soft but adamant. "The rest of us, sure. But not him." His hands cut the air in a minimal gesture. "No fuckin' way."
Leo glanced at Raph as if he was inclined to agree, but kept those thoughts to himself. Instead he narrowed his eyes in thought before asking, "Did he mention any other reasons?"
"Yes," April admitted, feeling her face grow hot with fresh shame. "He pointed out that… ah, his eighteenth birthday. It was still a couple months away. He said that even if he did desire me, he wouldn't…" April was rapidly losing all semblance of dignity. Her face twisted with a fresh threat of ugly and involuntary tears."He wouldn't act on it. Because, the age difference."
She was gasping the painful words, having to force them out. "He said. It wouldn't be, ah... appropriate..."
The turtles exchanged another glance, sharper this time. "That ain't right," Raph announced, giving his head a slow shake. "That ain't somethin' Don would give a single shit about."
"It never kept him from pining before," Leo agreed.
April stiffened where she sat and asked in fiercer voice, "Why would I make up something like that?"
"Nah, nah!" Raph lifted a hand to forestall this. "Wasn't sayin' you were lying! It's just, maybe HE was."
"Why? If he cares so much, why on Earth would he say something like that?" April had directed her question at Raph, but it was Leo who answered.
"It's not the gentlest way he might have chosen to decline, but... I can't say I completely disapprove of his decision to do so. I'm so sorry that he hurt you in the process, April. He was probably just flustered."
"Sounds ta me like he couldn't find it in himself ta put the moves on somebody else's girl," Raphael reflected in a slow voice, still needing to work through his thoughts and feelings surrounding Donatello in order to process the truth. "He couldn't do that. Not ta Casey, y'know? Knew it wouldn't be right. So he did the decent thing: he stepped down."
"I can only imagine how hard it must have been," Leonardo agreed thoughtfully, "or how much it must have hurt. So he went overboard, maybe. Lashed out at you, just to make sure you wouldn't pursue it. Then... probably doubting his resolve, as well as his acting abilities... he began to keep his distance. I think Raph's right. It's the only explanation that makes sense."
April looked from Leo to Raph, surprised by the younger turtle's emphatic nod. One of his big hands closed over one of his older brother's shoulders in an unprecedented display of unity as his head bobbed in steady agreement. When Raphael's gaze knifed back to April, he inclined his head in an uncommon display of respect. "Ape... listen. I just wanted to say, I'm real sorry you got hurt by this. And especially that none of us even… we had no idea!"
"Well, I wasn't exactly knocking on doors and passing out flyers to spread the news," she mumbled wryly, risking a brief glance at him before dropping her gaze quickly.
Sometimes Raphael was like this. He might seem a million miles away from what everyone else was saying, and then-completely without warning-his focus would settle on a person squarely and entirely. Once he was fixed on you, it was impossible to notice anything else. Commanding the whole of his burning, undivided attention was intense and sometimes even daunting. "I just want you to know… whatever load of crap that nerd came up with to say to you? Forget it."
His golden eyes seemed to wrench her downcast gaze up out of her lap with some invisible force. She found herself looking up at him, staring helplessly "I bet you five-thousand dollars he's been been kicking himself ever since that day. Knowing he fucked up completely, said the worst possible thing he could say. And this is weird, but… for once, I might actually know exactly how he feels. Shutting people out when ya can't handle what's going on with 'em? Lashing out when you don't need to? Way more than ya meant to? Yeah. I been there before, bigtime.
"Whenever I get like that, I can't ever seem ta just back up and fix it. All these times I get so worked up, and I'm hollering, and then I gotta storm off all of a sudden? I ain't leavin' cuz I suddenly hate your face! Probably just occurred to me that I was too depressed and overwhelmed to function, and the kindest thing would be ta get away from all people. And what are people supposed to think? To them it looks to like I must not give a shit about anyone. When really, I am way more likely to explode and say the worst possible thing because I care too much. Cause they got me feelin' way too much, all at once. I get all that. Enough that I know what it looks like."
These intense confessions were unexpected. April already felt foolish for having braced for something more frightening, only to be moved and enlightened by his brutally honest words. "I know, Raph. Maybe you never said so before, point blank, but… you didn't need to. I figured out most of that with nothing but long-term observation.
"But that's you. Don didn't explode at me, Raph. Not once! He was rattled by what happened, definitely. But he kept his cool the whole time, spoke rationally." April didn't voice her next thought: that getting some kind of explosion out of him may have been preferable.
"Rational my ass," Raph countered adamantly. "Let's rethink that from his point of view. Pretend you're this nerd who don't get out of the house much. I mean, such a huge nerd that even if you WEREN'T stuck in the body of a mutant freak monster and totally outcast from society… you probably still wouldn't get out of the house much.
For as long as you can remember, you been taught to hide from women. Respect em, protect 'em. But nobody break stealth, for fuck's sake, because they always start to scream. Might even piss themself. We were all taught to expect it.
You wanna stick to the shadows of that pretty girl's bedroom and watch her take all her clothes off? Well, there's no clan law to stop you. You stayed undetected, that's the important thing. Sooo.. Whatev, right? Be a scary fucking creeper. Get your lurk on."
April felt her stomach curl and couldn't help the way her face twisted in reaction. "That's…that's horrible." She dragged her eyes off Raph to look at Leo for confirmation.
He'd been giving Raph free reign to speak, but now Leo's face had darkened. "Master Splinter never taught us that."
"No kiddin'! We could fill a book with the shit he never taught us," Raph shot back.
"He never would have condoned that!" Leo insisted, growing hot with distaste.
"Never stopped us, either." Raph's voice had gone flat, but some of the fire returned to him as he went on. "Now, actually talking to a woman? Just me and some broad, having a normal fucking conversation? A little getting to know you, nobody's basic rights get violated, act like a decent fucking person for a second, maybe I wanna give that shit a whirl? Fuck, no. I mean, wow, is that frowned on. Unless I was given specific orders to gather intel or I'm actively saving her life, Dad's gonna be pissed. Probably the whole team will get punished along with me, and everybody's gonna know why."
"Wait, wait. Before we move on, I just - that was Don you were talking about?" April crunched her face at Raph in helpless disbelief. "I'm just trying to keep all this new information straight. Mister Smooth Conversations refers to you, and you think Don is some kind of Peeping Tom stalker?"
"Nope. Not anymore. Not for a while now." Raph cocked his head at April. "When you came into our lives, it turned his whole attitude around - for the better, if ya ask me. Once he told me that knowing you made him wanna be a gentleman and a feminist at the same time."
April didn't know what to say to that. If she had inspired such profound change in Don's attitude towards women, maybe there was something to what Raph and Leo were saying. It was hard to imagine though, when she had been haunted for so long by her memories of that night. His conflicted look of disgust, quickly followed by a hasty attempt to cover it with extreme politeness, his obvious ongoing embarrassment… if these reactions had been faked, Don had done a very fine job of it.
"Well… there, you see?" she finally said, picking her crestfallen head up with effort. "You both seem to know more than I do about what's going on with him. I don't know how much help I can be in your quest for answers. He can't seem to stand being in the same room with me."
"Raph said he noticed the same thing."
"I can't just go up and ask him how to fix us. We just don't talk like we used to. It's like we've become strangers."
"That's exactly how I feel about 'im," Raph confessed heavily. "I dunno how to fix it either, but... I'm still gonna try."
April brushed at her eyes. "You have a plan already? Because I don't."
Raph's broad teeth flashed at her, more grimace than smile. "Sorta. Work in progress."
"Well, April, you're in luck.I'm good with plans," Leo volunteered. "Or so I've been told." He managed to hold his teacup gracefully in spite of his oversized hands. Peering into the beverage as if divining answers from it, he ventured slowly, "What if we put the you in a situation where the two of you have to interact? But in a safe way." He flashed Raphael a smile that was preemptively apologetic as he elaborated, "In an educational setting."
"What?" Raphael had just reached for his ice water, but at that word everything seemed to register at once: Leo's weird smile, his word choice, his meaning… He widened his eyes at his brother and set his glass down with a sharp clack. "No. No, Leo! Tell me you don't mean..."
"I do." Leo shook his head sadly. "I'm sorry. I can't believe that I do, but… for the good of the family. Yes."
"Argh!" Raphael dug his fingers hard into his face. "That has gotta be the craziest plan I ever… We just escaped! We spent the whole fucking morning bein' traumatized and lookin' for a way out, but we finally escaped! We'd done it. Now you wanna march back in there… and say what? Wechanged our minds?"
"We'll say… whatever it takes. Maybe that April is better suited to teach this subject than anyone who has tried so far. Is that so hard to believe? She has the decorum and the experience."
"Wait. What is this about?" By this point, April had been properly baffled out of her sadness.
"You're not going to believe me when I tell you," Leo sighed. "Well, Raph? What do you say?" He gave his brother a searching look and pleaded, "For Donnie's sake?"
"Rrrgh…" Raph positively glared at Leonardo. Finally he managed, covering his eyes again and speaking through gritted teeth, "Unified front."