Born that way
~Noy Telinú~
Warning: mountains of reference humor ahead. Per usual.
Caution: letting it go when you are trying to save a person who is dangling over a cliff is not cool. Even if you have ice and snow powers. Or Batman. Especially Batman, despite regretting the decision to let the guy live. At least he didn't end up stealing your girlfriend who changes her name all the time, a guy with half a face did. Yep. Should have seen that coming Bruce, but why trust a shark right?
Thanks: to tuatara for making this readable.
Image: like it? OkamitheBlueWolf drew it. Artist.
Reviews: majishan, I'm sure they will. Maybe. Actually I'm not that sure. Imma text... Compucles, hey at least he means it this time. As for pairings, well, one was supposed to be the ideal Ranma/Akane pairing, but that has issues of not updating due to stuff and every year since the ideal Ranma/person matchup has been started although most are pretty far away. Blackholelord, kinda. But remember that Ranma can change at will so... The destroyer of fate, ;P luger 7, Righteous! hero in a cup, I am sure that Noy appreciates your appreciation. Guest, it is written now, yes. Okami's fault. Drawing stuff image thingy profile. Nah, just kidding, don't eat me Text isn't that chewy. Yes, Genma is easy to hate, tuatara says to stop making him like that though so... And Ucchan is coming. Right? RIGHT?! Realm, maybe. Wait, there's internet in hell!? LordofPudding, I regret nothing! Noy regrets stuff though but I regret nothing! And Ucchan is I dunno lol. Omnitroid1, For fanfiction you monster! Wait... so Imma murderer?! AHHHHHHHHHH! The Keeper of Worlds, is a year and a month soon? I hope so... Winter's Folly, I hope so.
You have been warned….
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Year 16 X: Ryoga!
"Well…" Ranma scratched the back of his head. "Kinda. Those were sharp and your hair was blowin'…"
^Your caring spirit is touching, Red. But you need not worry. I am Shampoo! Village Champion! Not some city girl weakling,^ Shampoo bragged, puffing her chest out in Ranma's direction.
Ranma sighed. "I suppose. Well, let's get back home. We won't find out where Ryoga went standing here."
^And his nudity!^ Shampoo licked her lips.
The male martial artist rolled his eyes and led Shampoo back home, picking up Ryoga's bag along the way.
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"Sssss… Ahh…!" Nabiki moaned, lying in the yard. She was finally out of the rose bushes and back on the grass, carefully pulling thorns from her skin. "Sssss… Ahh… ahhhHHHDAMMIT!"
Nabiki seethed as she saw blood. 'NO ONE MAKES NABIKI BLEED AND LIVES TO TELL ABOUT IT!'
A mound of thorns piled up next to Nabiki as she tried not to cry.
'This is all Ranko's fault! If she wasn't fighting… No, this is Kasumi's fault! She put these damn roses here! Wait, no, Kodachi! For giving them to Kasumi! No, AKANE! If she hadn't surprised me, I wouldn't be in this situation! No… No, if Ranko wasn't so unpredictable and wasn't friends with Kodachi everything would have gone according to plan! I will get my revenge on her! I… AHHHHHH! Dammit!' Nabiki was just barely holding back tears. "Burn. I'll burn you down, roses. Evil, prickly flowers of evil…"
Nabiki kept mumbling as she pulled out thorns all through the night.
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'Oh, dear. That was quite a crash. What to do in this situation?!' Nodoka fretted.
"…" Ryoga was unconscious.
"…" Nodoka just sat there.
…
….
…..
…
'I have no idea what to do!' Nodoka panicked internally, hands to her cheeks like the painting.
The Saotome matriarch ran out of the room. She soon came back with a futon and stuck Ryoga on it.
'There! That works… Right?' Nodoka bit her lip. 'Something is missing… Aha!'
She placed a hot, wet towel on Ryoga's forehead.
'Yes! Success!' Nodoka turned chibi and party streamers blasted in the background, her face like a cat. :3
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"Even if I agreed to satisfy your fantasy, there's no way he would go for it. Besides, regardless of whether he's gay or not, he kinda hates my guts right now," Ranma explained as best he could to Shampoo as they arrived at the door of his mother's home.
^And?^ Shampoo tilted her head, confused. ^Enemies make the best of lovers…^
'Sometimes I don't understand female behavior,' Ranma muttered internally. "Shampoo, I… Damn it, I told you not to smash holes in walls!"
Shampoo returned from dreamland and looked to where Ranma was pointing, where she saw that yes, there was a hole in the wall of the house.
"Shampoo no do it!" the girl exclaimed, pleading her innocence.
Ranma frowned. "It's a human-shaped hole, Shampoo! Now I have to fix it! And get the supplies to fix it… Which should be done first, obviously…"
As Ranma mumbled to himself, he opened the front door. Entering the house, he found his mother crouched over an unconscious Ryoga lying on the floor with a blanket covering him.
Nodoka turned and saw Ranma and Shampoo. "Welcome home! Oh dear, son, would you please go get the first aid supplies? This poor boy came crashing through the wall…"
Ranma's eye twitched as Shampoo looked smug, pulling out her bag of popcorn.
"This can't possibly…" Ranma started, rubbing his temples furiously in frustration.
That's when Ryoga stirred.
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Cologne sat at her desk. In her hut. In the Amazon village. In China, not the bottom of the sea. There she wrote with a giant feather pen.
Dear Shampoo,
All has been well for the most part. Food has been plentiful, the rains frequent, even the despicable person named Genma has not been a bother to anyone. He just sits in his cage, mostly still. Have to poke him every once in a while to make sure he's still alive. Very eerie. Everyone is doing fine. We are fine now. How are you?
Alas, there is one small issue that needs to be taken care of. In your absence Mousse has been restless. He was told that your trip would be short and you would return soon, but this doesn't seem to be the case. He accuses me of lying, but you know this isn't true. For it is on you, Shampoo. Your change of plans has consequences and now I fear something incredibly… stupid will happen.
Nevertheless, enjoy yourself. And if you can convince a certain someone to mate with you, all the better.
Your oldest living relative,
Cologne
Cologne folded the paper and placed it in an envelope before bouncing out of her hut. Her gaze turned to Genma, who was as unmoving as usual, and then to Mousse's hut, which was uncharacteristically silent.
^Evening, child,^ Cologne greeted an Amazon on top of a large mound near her hut. ^Any news, hmm?^
The Amazon shook her head. ^A letter?^ she asked, looking to what Cologne carried.
^To Shampoo. If you would be so kind…^ Cologne smiled.
^It would be an honor. And my duty.^ The Amazon took the letter.
^It's your job…^ Cologne muttered under her breath.
Ignoring the comment, the Amazon tied it to an arrow and shot it far off into the distance.
The arrow struck the trunk of a tree at an outpost on the outskirts of the village. The envelope was soon retrieved and fired further along the route to the nearest city, where it was then mailed by normal means.
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Ryoga stirred and turned his head towards Ranma's direction, opening his eyes in a daze. "Ooh… Where am I?"
"You are in my home; you crashed through the wall. How do you feel?" Nodoka asked, a bit worried but relieved that the boy was awake and moving.
Ryoga raised an eyebrow. 'Ranma?'
He blinked and raised a hand to rub his eye. But Ranma wasn't there. However, Shampoo still was.
'Must be my imagination… But her…' Ryoga tried to stand up. "I'm fine, thank you…"
Nodoka pushed him to lie back down, an act possible for her due to Ryoga's wooziness. "No, rest for now. You hurt yourself. Ranma, please bring me that kit!"
Ranma, who was hiding behind some furniture, swore under his breath. 'Dammit, Mom!'
"Ranma?" Ryoga recovered enough energy to sit up, overcoming Nodoka's strength. "Ranma! Where are you, you COWARD!?"
Nodoka blinked. "Oh, dear…"
Shampoo leaned against a wall that was still standing and ate popcorn, watching the scene with glee. 'Yes, now it is the male's turn to be sexy. Nearly nude sexy!'
Ranma bit his lip. 'Dammit, dammit, DAMMIT! Think, Ranma, think!'
Ryoga got up and stumbled around the house, looking for Ranma and unaware of his near nudity.
"What do you have against Ranma?" Nodoka tried to get Ryoga to answer.
However, Ryoga was too busy acting like a drunken sailor to respond.
^He fought with Ranma in the street. He has it in for Ranma for some past reason or something.^ Shampoo shrugged. ^His name is Ryoga.^
Nodoka's eyes widened. 'Ryoga? Ranma's almost friend? But I thought… Oh, no! Did they have a falling out? Oh, dear. Oh dear, oh dear!'
Ranma changed into a girl. Then a guy. Then a girl. Then a guy. Then a girl. Then a guy again.
Ryoga slipped and fell over the furniture Ranma had ducked behind and landed face up. His gaze went right to where Ranma was hiding.
Ryoga scowled. "Ranma!"
Ranma waved nervously. "Hey, how ya doin'? You look hurt, so, uh, lying down seems good, doesn't it?"
Ryoga staggered to his knees. "You will pay for this!"
"Nuh uh, hold on there. This is my Mom's house. And mine, really, but… Oh, whatever. So don't you dare break it. Any more than you already did, anyway…" Ranma was sweating nervously.
Ryoga blinked. "She… She's your mother?"
Nodoka moved into Ryoga's view and bowed politely. "Hello there, Ryoga. My name is Nodoka Saotome. I am pleased to meet you."
Ryoga flinched and bowed back sheepishly. "Pleased to meet you…"
^Aw… I want a fight! Or angry sex. Or both!^ Shampoo licked her lips.
^Shampoo, that is not appropriate,^ Nodoka frowned. ^Happy sex is much more pleasant!^
^MOM!^ Ranma facepalmed. ^Not you too!^
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Kaori struggled to keep a calm face. 'Two hours. TWO HOURS! Just buy it already!'
"Yeah, I don't know. I got a buddy of mine, knows all about gold necklaces. Lemme give him a call…" the balding, overweight pawn shop owner said, still a bit skeptical.
"I don't have time for this," Kaori urged as civilly as she could. "Just tell me what you will pay right now."
"10,000, all in advance," the potential buyer offered.
"10,000?!" Kaori shrieked. "You… You rip-off artist!"
*Kick*
"AHHH!" The shop owner fell over, clutching his shin.
Kaori took the gold necklace and walked out, grumbling.
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"So…" Ryoga scratched the back of his head awkwardly.
Ranma blinked. "Yeah?"
"Um… Nice place, I guess," Ryoga complimented.
"Yeah. It's nice." Ranma nodded.
Shampoo whined, arms crossed. ^Just do it already!^
Ranma did his best to ignore her. "Anyway… About the whole 'killing me' thing…"
"Oh. Yes. Right. That." Ryoga glanced at Nodoka. "Um. Well. I… Hell wasn't that bad. It was worse, actually. But I didn't stay there long. So… And it's not like you directly sent me there, so… Maybe I'll just, you know, since I'm such a forgiving guy and all… I'll settle for just… Mostly killing you. Yeah."
Ranma raised an eyebrow. "'Mostly dead,' then? How do you even…?"
"Now, now. Violence doesn't solve everything…" Nodoka had a tray full of tea. "It doesn't matter who was to kill whom… This is supposed to be a happy occasion! My son has talked a lot about you, Ryoga-kun. Green tea?"
Ryoga blushed as he took the cup. "Thank you."
Shampoo's face wore a giant grin, her giddiness causing her to bounce from foot to foot.
Ryoga sat at the table, followed by Ranma.
"And black coffee for you…" Nodoka handed Ranma a cup. "Now don't take too long drinking that. It's getting late."
"Thanks." Ranma nodded as he took the cup.
"Coffee?" Ryoga blinked.
"Green tea…" Ranma snorted.
Ryoga did a double take. "Coffee?"
"Green tea…" Ranma said in disgust.
"COFFEE?!" Ryoga couldn't believe his eyes.
"GREEN TEA?!" Ranma yelled.
…
….
…..
Ranma turned away and downed the whole cup. "Coffee."
Ryoga grumbled. "Green tea…"
"Shampoo!" Shampoo added her two yen, raising her hand.
Ranma rolled his eyes.
"You no take popcorn." Shampoo frowned, holding her bucket of popcorn.
"So…" Nodoka cleared her throat. "What was Hell like, Ryoga-kun?"
Ranma's eyes nearly popped out of his head as he facefaulted, causing the whole house to shake.
"Hell… It's, uh, Hell." Ryoga took a sip of his tea. "You know, hot, fiery… Don't want to go back."
"Duh." Ranma had recovered.
"And it's, well, because Ranma… He… I mean, he has helped me before, but because… It's complicated. You know?" Ryoga drank more tea. "This is really good, ma'am. Thank you."
"You're welcome." Nodoka smiled. "My son told me what you liked."
Ranma fumed, grumbling.
"You seem like a nice lady, Mrs. Saotome, but I need to get revenge on Ranma!" Ryoga had some of his trademark anger back. "I, I won't kill him. But I need to get my revenge!"
"For what?" Nodoka asked.
"Because of him I've seen Hell!" Ryoga yelled.
"Stop blaming me!" Ranma screamed back.
"If you'd just waited ONE! MORE! DAY!" Ryoga seethed.
"IT WAS YOUR OWN BACKYARD, YOU IDIOT WRAPPED IN A MORON!" Ranma's face was as red as his girl body's hair.
"ENOUGH!" Nodoka screamed.
The other two immediately became silent. Even Shampoo was frozen in fear.
"So uncivilized," Nodoka scoffed. "Now, are you two going to settle this honorably or not?"
"What do you mean?" Ranma asked. 'I have a bad feeling about this…'
Nodoka's eyes narrowed. "A duel. To the almost death."
*Clink clink*
Ryoga's cup fell to the floor.
"GASP!" Shampoo exclaimed, hands on her cheeks.
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"It's weird how you can find these empty lots." Ranma frowned as he stood across from Ryoga.
"What's so weird about it?!" Ryoga yelled.
Ranma's eye twitched.
"Let the duel to the mostly death begin!" Nodoka called out cheerfully.
^Bathe in his blood! His too, too sexy blood!^ Shampoo's eyes became greater-than and less-than signs.
"Fight!" Nodoka raised her arm.
Ranma and Ryoga charged each other, eyes glaring and voices raised.
"YOU'LL PAY, RANMA!" Ryoga screamed.
"SHUT UP ALREADY, YOU CRYBABY!" Ranma responded.
They traded punches, zipping back and forth too fast for Nodoka to keep up.
'I hope this will patch things up between them.' Nodoka bit her lip in concern.
"BECAUSE OF YOU I'VE SEEN HELL!" Ryoga went on about that again, grabbing Ranma and slamming him into the ground.
*BOOM*
The impact was so great Ranma bounced up in the air where Ryoga was waiting.
*SPIKE*
Ranma braced himself and slammed into the earth again even harder, creating a crater.
"ENOUGH ABOUT HELL ALREADY! IF YOU WENT THERE THEN WHY ARE YOU HERE?!" Ranma roared, jumping out of the crater.
Ryoga shrugged. "Wandered out, I guess?"
"GAH!" Ranma facepalmed. "You… You idiot! That's it! Boot to the head!"
"What?" Ryoga blinked.
*Boot*
Ryoga should've seen it coming but didn't as he went flying after being booted in the head.
Shampoo whistled as Ryoga bounced over the fence.
Ranma snorted and jumped over to follow Ryoga.
Except… He was nowhere to be seen.
Ranma couldn't believe it.
^Hello, sexy gu- Hey!^ Shampoo frowned as she peeked over the fence and only saw Ranma. ^Did he get lost?! NOOO!^
Ranma snarled, stomping. "That no-good little- Accusing me of- That, that… Stupid Ryoga!"
*Stomp*
*Splash*
Ranma's gaze slowly moved downward to the puddle his left foot was in. "Of course…"
Nodoka had come around and saw Ranma standing in a puddle. "Son, I am disappointed. You are too old to be playing in dirty puddles."
Ranma sighed in defeat. "I'm going to bed."
And with that he stuck his hands in his pockets and trudged back home, left pant leg irritatingly soaked.
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Nabiki finally gave up the ghost, her body covered in scratches and oozing blood, as she lay sprawled next to the koi pond.
"Oh my…" Kasumi blushed and shoved Nabiki's ghost back into her body. "Nabiki! Put some clothes on!"
Nabiki didn't even respond to that, exhausted as she was.
Which meant that Kasumi left. Only to return shortly thereafter and place a blanket over her sister.
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"What's the matter? You've been off all day," Akane inquired of Ranko as they exited the school. "Are the gymnasts giving you a hard time?"
"Hm?" Ranko blinked. "No, no. Not at all. Just… It's nothing."
Akane frowned. "You're not fooling me."
"Well, I don't need to because nothing is wrong at all. Nope." Ranko shook her head.
"RANMA!" Ryoga screamed from the front gate.
Ranko froze. 'AHHHHHH! Not now! Not him!'
Akane blinked. "Ranko?"
Ranko was next to Ryoga in a flash. "What are you doing here?!"
Ryoga froze. "Red… Red…"
'Shoot, I'm a girl now!' Ranko's eyes widened. "Umm… Sorry. Hehe… What are you doing here, mister?"
Akane caught up and gave Ryoga a curious glance. 'What's going on?' she wondered.
Ryoga gulped, twirling his fingers. "Well, I… Uh, you see… Um, well, Ranma…"
"You're looking for Ranma?" Ranko giggled. "Ranma Saotome?"
"Uh, yes! Yes, him…" Ryoga couldn't make eye contact.
"Oh, I'll tell him for you then, alright? What's your name, big guy?" Ranko sweet talked.
Akane raised an eyebrow. 'Huh?'
"R-Ryoga Hibiki…" Ryoga stuttered. "You. I mean, uh… Who… Uh…?"
"Ranko Saotome. Ranma's my brother," Ranko lied, giggling. "My brother has told me a lot about you, how you were friends… You mean a lot to him and I hope you're still on good terms after all this time."
Ryoga gulped. "Uh, s-sure…"
"That's great!" Ranko glanced at Akane. "He'll meet you at the same lot as before. He's waiting for you. Better not be late. Got it?"
"Sure. I, I hope to see you again!" Ryoga waved and ran off in a random direction.
Akane shook her head in confusion. "So, what was that about?"
"Hm?" Ranko tried to pretend she didn't hear the question.
"Why did he want you and why did you lie like that?" Akane asked.
"Uh, well, you see…" Ranko thought faster than she had in a long time. "I knew him when Pops made me pretend to be a guy. Kinda rocky relationship. Anger issues. Blames me for stuff 'cause he gets lost all the time. Now I have to deal with him wanting revenge and stuff. Couldn't tell him I'm a girl. That would just destroy him, you know? Guys and egos and the stigma of fighting a girl? Yeah…"
Akane frowned. "Well… Huh. That's… kind of strange. Doesn't stop Kuno…"
"Tatewaki Kuno is insane." Ranko shrugged.
"Your words hurt me so, Ranko Saotome…" Not surprisingly, Kuno was being overly dramatic as he introduced himself.
Ranko gulped, seeing the new arrival. "Well, it's because you… Are insanely talented and so all-around awesome that it should be illegal. Yep."
"Oh, I see. It was just an embarrassing misunderstanding. For shame that I, Tatewaki Kuno, was deceived. Apologies." Kuno bowed. "And dearest Akane Tendo, unfortunately I have no time to stay. Alas, there is a family matter to which I must attend. Farewell."
Ranko sighed in relief as Kuno walked away.
"So, about this Ryoga guy… He obviously has a crush on you." Akane couldn't help but say it.
Ranma groaned. "All the more the reason I can't tell him. Not that he would believe me anyway."
"Maybe. But shouldn't you try anyway? It's not right to keep it from him. If you wait too long, something bad could happen." Akane grew concerned.
Ranko sulked, hearing that from Akane of all people. 'Stupid life…'
"So, will you meet him at the lot?" Akane asked, a frown on her face.
"Eventually. It's inevitable. Just not today. Give him a week and he'll show up," Ranko sighed.
"You've already fought him recently, haven't you?" Akane studied Ranko closely.
"Uhhhhhhh…" Ranko gulped. "Well, you see… Yes. But enough about that. Let's do fun things!"
"But this is serious!" Akane was worried. "What if something bad happens?"
"Worry later. Do fun things now." Ranko effectively stuck her head in the sand.
"Ranko…" Akane frowned. "You just can't run away from problems."
"Fun things are fun!" Ranko nodded, still ignoring Akane's concern.
Akane growled. "Ranko! Doing fun things won't deal with the issue!"
Ranko stared up at Akane with wide, pleading, puppy-dog eyes.
Akane sighed, unable to resist anymore. "Alright, alright. What do you what to do?"
Ranko smiled wide.
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Screams and loud noises echoed throughout the area. The hot sun mercilessly beat down on the inhabitants. Money was lost forever, gambled away by idiots. And amidst all this were two girls having fun. As was most everyone else. For it was an amusement park.
"Wheeeeeee!" Ranko giggled like the schoolgirl she was at the moment.
Akane smiled despite herself. 'She's such a kid…'
"What do you wanna do next!?" Ranko asked, swaying from side to side and obviously overflowing with energy.
Akane shrugged. "Whatever you want to do…"
"Bumper cars then!" Ranko shouted and grabbed Akane's hand.
"Hey, wait!" Akane shouted in vain as she was dragged to the bumper cars.
"MWAHAHA!" Ranko laughed evilly as they got into the cars. "Akane! You're my rival now for no raisin!"
'Yep, she's lost it.' Akane sweatdropped.
*BEEP*
The cars were powered on.
*BUMP*
Ranko giggled like crazy as she bumped Akane.
Akane facepalmed, smiling at the ridiculousness.
*BUMP*
Ranko jolted forward as she was bumped from behind, turning around quickly to see who it was.
There sitting in a bumper car was Kodachi.
"Oh ho ho ho! I got you, you Cute Witch!" Kodachi laughed.
Ranko smirked. "Oh yeah? Bring it on!"
Akane watched in amusement as the two girls rammed each other repeatedly until the time was up.
"So, what are you doing here?" Ranko asked her former classmate.
"What is it to you, Cute Witch?" Kodachi evaded the question. "The Black Rose should ask you the same…"
"Eh, I felt like it." Ranko shrugged. "Needed to get away from… stuff…"
"Oh, and not to my house, I take it?" Kodachi raised an eyebrow.
Ranko rolled her eyes. "Not everything revolves around you…"
"Preposterous!" Kodachi fumed. "I demand to know who would make such an outlandish claim!"
Akane snorted at that.
"Oh, you think this is a game, Tendo?" Kodachi snapped.
Ranko got between them. "Easy, easy. You're more stressed than usual… What's wrong?"
Kodachi huffed. "Nothing. Nothing is ever wrong with a Kuno. Although… It would be nice to tell the Black Rose when you are on a fun trip…"
'Yep, she's jealous.' Ranko sighed. "It was a spur-of-the-moment thing. Besides, don't you have practice to go to?"
"…" Kodachi hid the sudden blush of embarrassment that was spreading across her face. "N-Nonsense! I… I have to leave now anyway!"
With that Kodachi left, laughing and jumping like mad.
"That was… odd," Akane noted, just staring at the shrinking form of Kodachi.
"Nah, it's just Kodachi. So, what's next?" Ranko asked, taking out a map.
"Don't you need to deal with Ryoga?" Akane reminded.
"Yeah, but that's later, so… Ferris wheel?" Ranko suggested.
Akane sighed and glanced at the sky. "It'll be sunset soon, so…"
"I told you it'll take him at least a week to get there. Ferris wheel?" Ranko pleaded.
Akane took one look at Ranko's pleading expression and gave in. "Oh, fine…"
Ranko smiled.
"But you're coming to my house afterwards, alright?" Akane added.
Ranko shrugged. "Sure, why not?"
It was Akane's turn to smile.
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'They said it would be this way…' Mousse turned his map upside down. 'Or was it this way? Think! You can do this!'
As he walked down the road, he neared a figure headed in the opposite direction.
'Still don't see that lot… Oh man, did I take a wrong turn?' Ryoga worried. 'I don't remember this place having so many dirt roads…'
The two teens passed each other, oblivious to their counterpart's thoughts or destination.
'I'll find you, Ranma Saotome!' they both thought at the same time.
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Author's notes: We're back baby! Fight! Zoom! Whoosh! And stuff is really getting messy now huh? Heheheheh. Tune in next time! Until then, I'm the Text!