Going Gold

Chapter 26

Tesserot

After a few minutes, my dad and I headed back inside, and once breakfast was done cooking, he joined me at the table. Tӫtka was already there, but apparently Kísta and Veito were still asleep. I wasn't entirely surprised, they'd both been up pretty late; still, I made a mental note to make sure some pancakes were left for both of them.

Silence reigned, except for the chink of cutlery and the scrape of a shifting chair now and again. I must have gotten lost in thought, because I was surprised to hear my dad speak.

"Tess," he said slowly, carefully, his gaze on his plate, "I really am sorry, you know. A lot of what's happened lately has been my fault; you never asked for any of it..." he chased a piece of pancake around with his fork distractedly, "I wouldn't be surprised if... you blamed me for everything..."

I was about to wave off his apology and tell him it was fine, but I couldn't seem to convince the consoling words to leave my mouth.

You're still angry at him, a little voice murmured.

I'm not. I argued, unsure why I was arguing with myself.

You've got reason to be, the voice insisted, He killed your brother, he's been giving you the cold shoulder for weeks...

I suppressed a growl of frustration and knotted my fingers in my hair. That voice didn't sound like it belonged to me; but only insane people heard voices in their heads, right? Either way, why couldn't I shut it up?

I felt my dad's eyes on me; there was something weighted in them that I couldn't quite interpret. Some emotion I didn't understand.

"Are you okay?" he asked quietly, sympathetically; almost a whisper. My tӫtka paused with his fork halfway to his slightly-open mouth, his gaze darting between us uncertainly.

"Fine." I muttered, maybe a little sharper than I should have. Truthfully, I was getting a headache, and the whispering little voice was still harassing me, much as I tried to shut it out.

Dad's eyebrows furrowed, his tail flicking anxiously, "You can tell me anything... you know that, right?"

I averted my gaze and pushed my plate away from me, shaking my head, "You'll say I'm crazy..."

Something flashed simultaneously in both of my parents' eyes, and I wondered briefly if they were speaking telepathically.

My dad's expression remained level, unreadable, "I seriously doubt that."

I didn't glance up at either of them, biting my lip.

Go ahead and tell them, the little voice snickered, I'm sure there's an asylum cell with your name on it.

Abruptly, I pushed back my chair and got up from the table, turning to leave and sort out whatever was possessing me on my own.

"Tesserot, are you listening to the monster?" My dad blurted suddenly.

I stopped in my tracks, one hand still braced against the back of the chair.

I turned and looked at him."What?"

His eyes were surprisingly intense, a deeply empathetic and urgent expression on his face.

"Do you hear it?" he asked steadily, "That voice that tells you what to do and gives the worst advice at the worst times?"

I stared at him, at a loss for words.

"How do you -?" I began, trailing off.

He sighed explosively, "Because I hear it too." he met my eye stanchly, "I have for years. Since before you were born."

My mouth was still slightly ajar, and shock prevented me from speaking any of the questions that jumped to mind. He understands... He's gone through the same thing...?

I glanced at my tӫtka; he remained silent, his gaze still flitting slowly between my father and me. Calculation and pity made a strange combination on his features.

Slowly, and a little shakily, I sat back down and blinked at my dad expectantly. What does he know? What can he tell me about this...?

"You haven't answered me," Dad said softly, "Are you listening to the voice?"

I hesitated, then, "Yes, I can hear it..."

He shook his head quickly, "That's not what I asked. Are you listening to it? Do you do what it tells you and take its advice?"

I wasn't sure what he meant... "I d... I don't know..."

An expression much like forced patience settled on his face, as if he was trying to slow down for me...

"How long have you been able to hear it?" Tӫtka broke in before he could.

"Since... a little after Veito was brought back to life," I said slowly, thinking back. I had to wonder how my mother knew about this madness too. Did everyone in my family have their own voice? Did everyone in the world?

As if he read my mind, my dad spoke, "Vegeta has met my monster," he said flatly, shooting his mate a meaningful glance, "But he does not hear one of his own. As far as I know, it's just me... and possibly you, if this means what I think it does."

I was beyond confused now, "Why do you call it that?" I asked.

"What?" Dad blinked perplexedly.

"Why do you call it a monster? You've never seen it, have you?" This whole thing seemed a little insane, and it sounded foolish to say out loud... but then, most everything in my life made zero sense; this just seemed to be another bizarre turn of events that everyone but me had been in on.

Dad shook his head, "No, I've never seen it... though your mother got pretty close..." the second part was barely audible, and I had to wonder if it had anything to do with the strange ki I'd sensed in place of my father's last night.

"As for the name..." he paused hesitantly, "I'm not sure where it came from... But after witnessing firsthand what it could do, I couldn't think of anything more fitting; and it kind of stuck."

My tӫtka surprised me. He spoke quietly, but his voice was shaking with what sounded like anger, "It's a monster all right," he growled, tail swishing, "From what I've seen of it – and what it's done to the people I love – everything about it is monstrous."

"But what exactly is it?" I asked, "It can't just be a voice; that makes no sense."

Dad was silent for a moment, "I don't know." he said through clenched teeth, "Fourteen years, and I still have no idea what it is... Or what it wants."

"What does it... do?" I had only heard a few dozen disconnected words from this alleged monster, after all; I was much less familiar with the surreal concept than he was.

"Physically? Nothing, unless you let it." Dad muttered bitterly, "Mentally...?" his breath huffed out in what could have been a sigh or a grim laugh, "...It's a real bitch on the mind."

I waited for him to elaborate, but he said nothing else.

"...And?" I pressed.

Tӫtka shot me a look that seemed to say 'Be patient with him,' before his gaze moved worriedly to rest on my dad again. Dad's eyes were closed frustratedly, and he was breathing as if by conscious, deliberate effort. After a moment he nodded shallowly; and I was sure he had been listening to whatever Tӫtka had said to him in his mind.

His eyes opened slowly and he looked at me sadly, "I hate to see you getting stuck in the same mess I got stuck in..." he said after a moment, "And whatever happens, I don't want it to hurt you... or anyone else."

My tail curled around my leg nervously, "How do you control it?" I asked.

"You don't." Dad said bluntly, almost harshly, "You don't control it. You can ignore it, but only to a certain extent... You can drown it out, but the same restrictions apply. You can't banish it and you can't outright refuse anything it commands of you..." The slightly harried, haunted look that came into his eyes told me he spoke from experience.

"But..." he looked at me determinedly, "If you try hard enough, you can outwit it."

"How?"

His gaze shifted a little, "It's dangerous to try unless you know you can win... But there are ways to cheat it or thwart it indirectly."

"Like what?" I prodded impatiently.

He sighed, "Three things. Leniency, lying, and love."

I blinked. It sounded like something a teacher would tell a student to help them study for a test...

After a second, during which Tӫtka gave him an exasperated look that said '….really?' and he ducked his head away to conceal the responding flush, he clarified unsteadily.

"Leniency is tolerating what the monster asks... if it doesn't hurt anyone but you, sometimes you have to take a little pain to keep others safe."

"What if it asks something that doesn't hurt anyone at all?"I asked.

He shook his head, "I doubt it ever will. The monster is a glutton for pain; if its intent is to harm no one, it'll usually just keep quiet."

I thought about what he'd said before, "You mentioned lying..." I inquired, "You can lie to it?"

"Sort of," Dad shifted uncomfortably in his chair, "Sometimes, if you lie to other people, it will shut the monster up briefly. Personally I think it just likes dishonesty..." I was about to point something out, but he cut me off with a disciplinary glare, "That does not mean I'm allowing you to lie to everyone for no reason, Tesserot. But if telling an untruth will spare someone else harm, make sure it's a convincing one."

"What about sparing yourself harm...?" I asked tentatively.

"You can't lie to yourself." Tӫtka cut in vehemently.

"Well, it won't do you any good if you try, anyway," Dad amended for him, "That's just deluding yourself."

"So basically... you're suggesting the only way to control the monster is to become a dishonest masochist?" I snapped.

Dad winced, and I wondered if I'd hit the nail on the head by accident.

"No." He said after a moment, "I haven't gotten to the third one yet."

"Love?" I snorted, "Pretty cliché, don't you think?"

Both of my parents gave me the exact same piercing look, and I regretted the remark.

"This last thing is actually the strongest and most reliable way to quiet the monster," Dad said fervently, wrapping the tip of his tail around my tӫtka's wrist, "If you feel it creeping up on you, standing near someone you love - or even just thinking about them - will keep it at bay almost invariably, if only for the moment you need to regain control. I would call it an antidote if it were permanent, but even this doesn't last that long...unless you're very fortunate."

"Fortunate how?" I asked, confused.

"For ten years," Dad said, "The monster was completely silent. In all that time, I was rarely more than four feet away from your mother, and when I was, the mental link went into overdrive. As soon as I started distancing myself though, it crept up on me again... almost without my noticing it."

I rolled my eyes impatiently, "Why don't you just handcuff yourself to the person you love then?" I muttered, "Keep a cure with you at all times?"

A growl sounded from Tӫtka's throat, "If you were to do that, it wouldn't count as feeling love; it's too selfish. Forcing them to stay by your side even if they don't want to? That's not a cure, that's a portable prisoner."

I fell silent, startled by the iciness, very near disgust, in his tone.

There was a long moment of complete silence. I heard the door shut upstairs; Veito must have gotten up. Apparently my parents noticed too.

"Tess, we only don't want you to get hurt by this," Dad said slowly, "If you ever feel like it's too strong, or no one understands, or you can't be near someone you choose to love... remember that your Mom and I love you no matter what happens. You can always use us as a temporary cure."

I thought a moment, "Do I have to keep it a secret?" I asked, "I mean... is there a rule, or...?"

Dad looked at me for a few seconds, as if contemplating saying yes and leaving it at that.

"It's your mind, and your monster," he said after a moment, "It's not as important who you decide to trust with it... as who you decide to trust it with."

TBC

((That whole chapter was one big long explanation of the monster. Some of it was awkward, some of it was unclear... I think I like some of the dialogue though.

At the approval of certain readers, I'm contemplating writing a third installment for this story once it's finished. Summer is starting, after all, and I'll need something overly-complicated and angsty to occupy me, right? I dunno, it's a little controversial right now.

Thanks for reading and reviewing. And thanks for sticking with me so long, this story is turning out longer than I thought it would be.

Love you guys, and I appreciate the nice reviews,

-Shinsun))