Spinning Bottles
A/N: You wanted answers, so here are some, but once again, it got too long, so I split it in two. I know, I know, I suck! ;)
I planned to keep this story solely in EPOV, but I thought it was best to let Bella tell her own story. This chapter starts out like all the others in EPOV, but then it shifts when Bella finally opens up. This is the ONLY time the POV will be from anyone else besides Edward, so don't get used to it. This is still ultimately about Edward's journey, and we'll return back to his mind as soon as Bella has her chance to explain.
Warning- If you are sensitive to the subject of abortion then you may want to skip this chapter. The mention is brief, but I don't want to offend anyone and I'm sorry if it does. If you would like to continue with the story sans abortion point, then please PM me and I'll give you a rundown of the chapter so you don't miss anything important.
Thanks ;)
~Chapter 26 – Spiraling-Part 1~
It was disorienting waking up in the cottage with Bella, and it took me a few minutes to remember how we got there and which reality I was in.
But then she giggled. "You look so confused," she said. I didn't even know she was awake, but then I looked at her and couldn't help but smile.
"I just forgot where I was for a minute," I explained. "Being in here is just…strange."
"Strange in a good way, or bad?" she asked.
"Definitely good," I said quickly.
Bella pulled out of my arms and sat up while stretching. "We should get an early start, there's still a lot to do around here," she said before getting off the bed. "I'm going to go make breakfast," she told me, and then disappeared out of the room.
I could hear her talking to Alec and I figured he'd keep an eye on her for a few minutes, so I jumped in the shower real quick. When I was done, the smell of pancakes filled the room, so I dressed quickly and followed the scent out to the kitchen.
"Hey Edward, did you know pancakes are actually pretty simple?" Alec told me as he watched Bella flipping one. "They're even easier than omelets."
"We just need to get Edward to learn to cook, and then you'll be set," Bella said with a smile.
"Why do I need to cook when you're here?" I said without even thinking. Alec didn't catch it, but I could see Bella's face drop from my comment, and it actually freaked the hell out of me.
For the rest of the day, I watched Bella carefully whenever she wasn't looking my way, and everything she did seemed to carry a purpose. Whether it be showing Alec how to do something new, or setting things up in the cottage so they would be the most accessible. It was almost like she was teaching from the 'Idiots Guide To…' handbook, and it made me nauseous. She wasn't trying to build any kind of new life with us; she was trying to show us how to live on our own.
"Why are you doing this?" I asked her that early evening after Alec had gone out to a movie. When she had cooked lunch that afternoon, she showed Alec exactly how to do it, and I needed to know why. I couldn't just continue to live in denial, not when it was becoming so blatant that she wasn't planning on staying.
"I'm just cleaning up," she feigned confusion, but I could tell she knew exactly what I was talking about, and she suddenly became extremely uncomfortable.
I tried to bite my tongue; the last thing I wanted was to push her away before she intended to leave, but she was like a ticking time bomb and it was driving me nuts, especially since I didn't know how much time was left on the countdown.
"Why are you hanging around and trying to teach us how to…get along without you?" I asked her.
"I'm not doing anything," she mumbled as she tried to busy herself with the dishes.
"Bella, please, can we just be honest for one minute? I can't fix this if I don't know what's broken."
"Nothing is broken, and the only thing I want you fixing is your own life…and Alec's that is. Taking care of someone is a lot of work, I know, I took care of my father for years. But a kid is on a whole other level, so you can't take that responsibility lightly. I just want you to be serious when it comes to Alec, he needs some stability."
"Then why don't you stay with us and help me give him that stability?" I said quickly.
She stopped and stared at me for a moment. "Edward, I can't…"
"Yes, you can. I'll send for all your things, or if you want to leave it all behind and start over with us then you can do that, I'll just go buy you new stuff."
"Edward, I"
"Bella, please, whatever happened, it doesn't matter. Just tell me…or don't tell me, it doesn't even make a difference. All that I care about is that you're ok. If we just stay together, everything will be fine..."
"Edward, just stop!" she snapped. "I'm not staying here with you. I can't."
"Why?" I asked desperately. "We could have a life together, a family. Why can't you just let it happen? I swear to you Bella, I will make you happy."
"You have no idea what would make me happy," she said heatedly. "You knew a version of me a long time ago, but that has nothing to do with who I became after… I don't want…the family thing. I told you in New York, I'm happy being alone."
"Really, then why the hell did you try to kill yourself?" I blurted out uncontrollably. I didn't mean to say it, but it seemed as though whenever I was caught in heated discussions with Bella, my brain to mouth filter completely broke down. "If you were so happy being alone, then why didn't you just go back to being that way?"
She parted her lips like she was going to say something, but then she shook her head and turned away from me.
And I felt like shit.
"Bella, look, I'm sorry. I told you I wouldn't force you to talk, and I won't," I told her, but she completely shut me out. She started moving about the cottage again, though this time it seemed like she was looking for something, but I couldn't tell what. "What are you doing?" I asked.
"Looking for my shoes," she answered emotionlessly.
"Why?" I asked with a mix of frustration and desperation.
"You're right, I can't be here anymore, and I shouldn't have come in the first place. I should have just left when I woke up…or I just shouldn't have come back at all. I need to go."
"Hold on, what do you mean I was right? I never said you shouldn't be here," I argued.
"No, but you did say that I wouldn't have come if I didn't want a family, and since I don't, then I'm just going to leave."
"You're going to leave and go where? Back to Italy, or over the cliff?" I asked insensitively. Fuck, again, my words weren't really intended. Everything was coming out wrong, and I just didn't know what to say or how to hold it all in. I didn't know anything whatsoever at that point.
"It's none of your business, so just LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!" she shouted unexpectedly, before running out of the cottage.
Of course I took off after her, but there really wasn't anywhere for her to run. She wasn't carrying her ID or any money, she didn't have a car, and the cottage was far from any main roads so it would be a long walk. Surprisingly, however, she didn't hesitate, she ran straight out through the middle of the vines.
"BELLA!" I shouted after her. Neither of us had shoes on, and it was close to dark out, so I made the quick decision to run back inside to grab a flashlight and slip on my shoes that were by the door; I'd be able to catch up to her faster that way anyway.
The vines seemed to go on forever, but I could still see Bella ahead, and she was continuing down the same row, so all I had to do was catch up. I ran as fast as I could, but when I got close, she heard me and picked up her pace. Her feet must have been killing her, but she didn't seem to notice and ran full speed as if she was wearing cross trainers.
"BELLA!" I shouted again.
Fuck, why the hell did my father buy a vineyard? There were acres and acres of vines, most of which couldn't be seen from the road, and some I had never even stepped foot on. In fact, the portion Bella was heading towards was such an area. I had never been to that part of the property and as we got closer, I was completely taken aback.
"Holy fuck," I said to myself as I looked at the destroyed crops before me. Bella had slowed, but continued to tip toe through the old blackened rubble. "Where are you going?" I asked out of breath. She wasn't too far from me then so I didn't have to shout, but she still kept walking slowly.
"Twelve acres," she said evenly. "All burned down to this…And see? It was never able to recover."
"Ok?" I said, getting more and more confused.
"The vines were planted in sections according to age by the original owners," she went on. "These twelve acres were some of the most plentiful and produced the best grapes."
"So, what happened?" I asked, figuring she must have known since she was talking about it.
"I set fire to them."
"What?" I asked, knowing I had to have heard her wrong. "What are you talking about?"
"I know why Jacob said what he did to you when you called all those years ago," she said abruptly, seeming to change the subject.
I wanted to know about the vineyard, but I wanted to know about that phone call that I had blamed for everything even more.
"Ok, why would Jacob say you were together if you weren't?" I asked her.
"He thought you were someone else."
"Who?" I asked confused more than ever.
"James."
What the fuck? "Why would James ever call you?"
She started pacing back and forth and kept her eyes on the ground, but then she slowly began to explain. "A few weeks after you left, he started hassling me. First it was little comments when we'd cross paths…."
~Forks, Washington
Fall, 2000 – Bella's POV~
"Why, if it isn't Miss Swan," James said at the grocery store. I fucking hated James, hell, most of the town hated James, but no one more than Edward. Everyone knew the animosity between them, so it was obvious that he was only bothering me to get to him, and I wasn't going to put up with it.
"Good afternoon, James," I told him casually. The idiot lived for getting a rise out of people, so there wasn't much he hated more than indifference, and that was exactly what I was going to give him.
"How's Edward liking the big city?" he asked as he followed me down a different aisle.
I gritted my teeth. Of course he had to bring up Edward. "He's doing great," I said as politely as possible. The truth was that I hadn't spoken to Edward in weeks and he never returned any of my calls, so I was a little more than nervous, but I sure as hell wasn't going to tell him that.
"Really, great huh? So I suppose you talk to him twice a day and every night, right?"
"Uh-huh," I lied, trying to ignore him.
"That's just wonderful. It's so nice to see young- long distance love actually work out. Forget what people say, it doesn't matter what the odds are, you two will make it," he said condescendingly.
I tried to hold it in, but I couldn't help it and I snapped. "You know what, go to hell!" I shouted. Everyone in hearing range turned to look at me, but I really didn't give a shit. I needed to get away from the bastard, so I just left my basket and walked out of the store.
But as the weeks continued, and there was still no word from Edward, I decided I needed to fly out to New York and make sure he was ok. Something was wrong, Edward wouldn't just break contact; even if he did have a change of heart, he would at least tell me…wouldn't he? I had to see him, just to know one way or the other, but when I went to buy the tickets, something would always go wrong and I would have to use the money to fix it. First my car broke down, then my dad needed help with the mortgage; it was always something, and I could never afford to go.
But James was relentless, and somehow, he knew. "So, I can't wait to see Edward during his Thanksgiving break…He is coming back for a visit, right?" James asked me at work one day. I had decided to go to the local JC and help my dad with the bills instead of going to away to college, but that also meant working at Newton's Sporting Goods store where anyone could walk in and annoy the hell out of me, just as James was doing.
"Of course he's coming back," I told him confidently, even though I was anything but. The original plan was for Edward to come back for vacations, but since he never contacted me, I had no idea what was going to happen.
I felt sick just thinking about it, and at times I could actually feel the depression seeping in and threatening to consume me. I didn't know how to exist without Edward, we had done everything together, and without him there was just nothing. Everyone else stopped talking about Edward around me because they knew how upset I was, but James was merciless.
"Well, look, if you ever get tired of waiting around for him to not call, then just give me a holler. I sure as hell wouldn't leave you waiting."
"Fuck off," I said before flipping him the bird.
Unfortunately for me, my boss just happened to be looking, and that little gesture cost me my job.
After that, things just got worse. I tried to keep focused on school, but the whole point of staying local was to keep working, so without my job, it all seemed pointless. I tried to find another job to keep me busy, but no one was hiring, so when I wasn't in school, I was left wandering around alone and obsessing over what went wrong.
Every corner of that wretched town held a memory; everywhere I turned, there were countless reminders of all of Edward's unkept promises. A life, a future that disappeared with Edward as he flew away and didn't look back. I didn't have a Plan B, and I didn't know what to do with my life anymore. Edward was always the person I would go to with any of my issues, but he wasn't there, and I just felt…alone.
But then, he texted me…
Hey, sorry it's been so long, I had issues with my phone. This is my new number BTW – E
I thought it was odd. It had been over six weeks with no contact whatsoever, and then he up and texted me with that strange cold apology? The red flags went up immediately, but I was so desperate for it to be him that I ignored them.
Where have you been, is everything ok? – B
Yeah, I've just been busy, but I really miss you – E
Why don't you just call me, I want to hear your voice – B
No, I'm in class right now, I'll call u later. I just wanted to say hi – E
Ok, what time are you going to call? – B
Later. I miss u so much baby, take a picture of yourself and send it – E
My heart began pounding erratically. I knew it wasn't really him, but on the slight chance that he was drunk texting me, I went with it just a little longer.
Take a picture of yourself first. I want to see you – B
I'm in class – E
Then wait until its out – B
K – E
I waited for the next hour anxiously, but didn't have much hope of hearing back. But then suddenly my phone buzzed making me actually jump – I had a text.
My picture – E
I pressed on the attachment, but because I had an older phone, it took forever. When it was finally done loading however, my heart sank… It was disgusting picture of a penis going into some skank's mouth.
I threw the phone to the side.
I knew it wasn't Edward, but the disgusting joke just further proved that the real Edward had left me behind…and wasn't coming back.
I told myself that I didn't need him, but I just couldn't move on.
And then the calls started…
The first time I got an unknown caller, I answered it. "Hello?" For a brief second, I thought perhaps Edward really was having issues with his phone so he got a new number…but it wasn't him.
"Hey baby, now that you're single, why don't you come on over and I'll show you what a real man feels like."
"Who is this?" I asked, but then he hung up. I had a feeling it was only James, who must have gotten my number from someone, but the fact that I wasn't completely sure just freaked the hell out of me.
And then my phone rang again.
"Listen you prick-"
"Bella?"
"Oh, sorry dad," I said embarrassed. I guess I should have glanced at the caller ID before answering.
"What's going on sweetheart? Did that idiot Masen kid do something to -"
"No, dad, nothing is going on," I cut him off. "Just some jerks prank calling. No big deal."
"Okay…Anyway, I just called to say I'll be later tonight."
"Ok," I said before hanging up.
I went about my afternoon, but a few hours later, I got another call. The caller ID read 'Unknown', but reluctantly, I answered it anyway. "Hello?"
"Do you like tea?" a male voice asked.
"Huh?"
"Cause I'd really love to teabag you. I bet my balls would feel so good in that sexy mouth of yours."
"James, if this is you, I swear, I will fucking kick…" The line went dead. The odd thing was however, that the voice sounded different than the first one who called.
Calls continued in that manner through the week. It was always a different male voice, and they always had something vulgar to say. When I didn't answer, they left messages, and when I ignored those, they texted. I couldn't take it anymore, so I went and had my cell phone number changed.
But then they started calling the house. If they knew my home number, then they knew where I lived, so when one of the guys left a message saying they were going to climb through my window and shower with me, I got scared. Even if James was behind them, it was getting out of control and I wasn't sure how far they would take it.
I became absolutely paranoid. When I'd walk in town, I'd notice guys staring at me, and I wondered if they were the ones calling me all the time. Did they have less than playful intentions?
I started skipping classes just to avoid being around people, because for all I knew, the calls were coming from guys at school. I thought about telling my dad what was going on, but he was dealing with some missing person case, and the last thing I wanted to do was bother him with stupid immature boys messing with me.
It was all becoming too much, but thankfully one day, Jacob Black stopped by.
"Hey," I said uncomfortably. I didn't know him very well, at least not anything more than one of my father's friend's kids who had a crush on me growing up, and since I had no idea who had been calling me, every guy became a suspect in my book, which included him.
"Hey, sorry to bother you, I was just dropping some stuff off for your dad from my dad," he explained.
I looked into his eyes, and somehow I just knew he wasn't one of the guys harassing me."Oh, sure, come on in," I said while opening the door. I didn't know why, but I trusted him and he made me feel safe for the first time in months.
"So, how have you been?" he asked casually. "Your dad said you've been under a lot of stress from school. He thought it would be a good idea if I came over to ask you out some time…you know, like out as friends."
"Oh, well, thanks, but I don't think so. No offense, but I'm just not ready for that sort of thing," I said emotionlessly.
"Uh…Bella, you do know I'm gay, right?" he asked unexpectedly.
"Huh? You are? But why…" I asked confused as to why he was asking me out if he was gay.
"When I said I wanted to go out as friends, I meant it."
Oh.
"Oh, right, sorry. But still, that's nice of you to ask, but I'm just not feeling up to anything right now."
And then the phone rang….but I refused to answer.
"Aren't you going to get that?" he asked.
"Uh, no," I said nervously.
"Why, what's going on?"
Jacob wasn't my friend before that day, but for whatever reason, I confided in him and told him everything. I cried into his shoulder as I told him how much pain I was in from losing Edward, and I admitted my fear of the cruel calls that seemed never ending. And Jacob did the one thing that none of my other friends would do for me…he just listened.
"Go upstairs and get yourself cleaned up, and we are going to get some ice cream. I'm fresh off a break up as well, so we can just eat away our pain," he told me.
I didn't want to go out, but it actually felt kind of nice to be forced. When I got out of the shower however, Jacob had an angered look on his face.
"What is it?" I asked him.
"I answered the phone, and it was one of those jackasses. Don't worry, I took care of him and I don't think he'll be calling back anytime soon."
"Really? What did you say?"
"I told him you were with me now, and to stop messing with you."
"Oh…do you think that would work?"
He shrugged. I'm a pretty big guy with a deep voice and I can be really intimidating when I want to be. Not many people around here know I'm gay, and most are afraid of me. The guy will stop calling, and if he doesn't, then change the number."
"My dad's had that number since before I was born," I argued.
"So what? He'd definitely be willing to change if her knew what was going on. Just tell him."
"He's too busy…"
"Shush your mouth with that crap. You're his only kid, I'm sure he's not too busy for you."
I nodded.
We went out that day, and actually began hanging out pretty often. I felt better when I was with Jake, there was no pressure or sexual tension, and he let me have meltdowns whenever I needed to….but when I was alone, I continued to obsess over what happened to Edward.
Was he ok? Did he find someone else? Did he ever think about me?
But along with my inability to move on, the phone calls continued despite Jacob's threats, so eventually I caved and told my father.
"Bells, I think it's time to transfer to a different college. Just get away for a while, meet new people, find some new interests."
"Dad, I don't want to leave," I protested.
"You don't want to, or you're afraid to?"
"I can't leave you alone."
"Bella, I'm fine. You can't just stay here forever….and this isn't really about me, now is it?"
"What do you mean?"
"Honey….he's not coming back," he said gently, and I knew exactly what he was talking about, though I wasn't exactly sure how our conversation shifted in that direction. I thought we were talking about obscene phone calls, not a boy who left and never cared to look back.
"I know," I said quickly.
"Do you? I spoke to his dad last week, and he hasn't even heard from him."
"Well, maybe something's wrong. Maybe something happened to him," I said worriedly.
Charlie shook his head. "It's hard to tell you this, but his dad called his school in New York, just to make sure he was still there and ok. The administrator said he hasn't missed a class and even took on more than the required units….Honey, he's fine…he just doesn't want to be in contact with anyone here anymore."
I nodded, trying to accept what he was saying, but the tears just poured out uncontrollably. I didn't understand it, why would he do that to me? How could he just forget about me like I meant nothing? I always thought we were different, that our love was real and nothing would ever come between us. It was something I had grown to almost take for granted; no matter what happened in the future, Edward and I would always be together. How could I have been so wrong?
Then I began questioning everything. Perhaps he never loved me the way I loved him. Maybe he never planned on coming back at all…or maybe he just got out into the real world and discovered there was so much more to life than small town Forks, with small town me.
Charlie changed our home phone number and the calls stopped, but after a few more weeks of me moping around, he had enough.
"Alright, I'm kicking you out," he said unexpectedly.
"What do you mean?" I asked confused.
"Going out with Jacob isn't even making you feel better any more. This just isn't normal, Bella. People break up, it's just a part of life, but you can't keep going on like this."
"So, you're kicking me out?"
"You've given me no choice. I've filled out all your transfer paperwork for you and set up your dorm room, all you have to do is sign then meet with the counselors when you get there."
"Dad…"
"Don't 'dad' me, you're going, or you'll be homeless….Look, I get it, it took me a long time to get over losing your mom, but you have to understand that ending a marriage and ending a childhood romance are two entirely different things. I love you and want you to be happy more than anyone, but it's time to get over it now. Edward's not coming back, and you're done waiting for him. No more arguing, go pack your things."
Was I really just another stupid teenager who foolishly believed in everlasting love? –I supposed Charlie was right, I was an absolute idiot and it was time to grow up.
So I went. I spent the next three and a half years completely dedicated to school. I found time to go out and have what people liked to call 'fun', but it all felt empty in a way. When I graduated, I began working at a small newspaper, but nothing I wrote seemed to matter because no one really read it.
And then my dad died, and everything stopped.
I had pulled away from all my old friends, and I rarely even spoke to Jacob anymore. My father was my last remaining tie to any sense of home and any real feelings at all.
When I went to Forks for the funeral however, I immediately sunk back into my old tribulations. It didn't matter that it had been four years since I saw him last, I found myself looking around town in the hopes that Edward would be there. I didn't know why, but deep down I really believed that he would be, and I realized then that I never truly stopped waiting for him. Somehow, someway, he'd know I needed him then more than ever, and he'd be there….he had to be…except he wasn't. There was still no trace of him.
Once again, I felt lost. After the funeral I drove around for hours, and curiously ended up at The Lot. I didn't know at the time, but what I was really searching for was an escape. Something to dull the pain of my loss.
"Hey, hey, has Miss Swan come to me at last?" James' slithering voice sounded through my car.
I parked, and then got out. "If you say another word about it, I'll kick you so hard in the balls that you'll forget what your last name is. Understand?" I said emotionlessly.
"Whatever baby," he said before offering me a hit of whatever he was smoking.
I was an adult, a college graduate, and the daughter of a cop, I knew better than to mess around with drugs, but I needed help to make the pain go away, so for the first time in my life, I got higher than then Empire State Building.
For the next few weeks, that became my new reality. Every day I would go to The Lot and get high and drunk with all the other loser nobodies; sometimes I wouldn't go home at all. I quickly ran out of money, but I was desperate to keep getting high, so James propositioned me.
"I don't give my shit away for free….unless you want to fuck, that is."
"You were behind all those horrible calls before I went away to college, weren't you?" I asked him.
He smiled evilly. "You know you liked them."
"And the texts that claimed to be from Edward?"
He continued to smile, unfazed.
Fucking bastard.
I hated the son of a bitch…but the truth was that I just didn't give a shit anymore, as long as I got more drugs. Perhaps it wasn't completely about the drugs though; perhaps a part of me really wished that one day Edward would find out that I had fucked the guy he hated more than anyone. I didn't really care what happened to me, but if it could potentially piss off Edward then perhaps it was better than drugs.
I soon found myself as a central member of James' little posse, he even called me his girlfriend to newcomers, which I always lazily denied. I was nobody's girlfriend, because I was nobody myself. Bella Swan didn't exist anymore, and at some point, I stopped answering my name, so people just called me 'Swan'.
I was on the fast track to nowhere, but then a chance encounter changed everything.
"Bella?" Someone stopped me when I was at a store buying beer with James' money.
It was early in the morning, but I already had a buzz going for the day, so I was definitely not in the mood for some old man to talk to me.
"Bella, what's wrong with you?" the guy asked.
I narrowed my eyes to try to see through my intoxicated haze, and then I figured out who he was."Oh, hey Mr. Masen," I mumbled, probably incoherently.
I couldn't see him clearly, but it looked like he was upset by the sight of me. Well, fuck him.
"Bella, why don't you come stay with me for a few days? You know, I have a job opening at the winery that I'm sure you'd be great at."
I laughed. In fact, I laughed so hard that I fell over. Mr. Masen helped me up, but I yanked my arm out of his grasp. "Thanks, but no thanks," I said coldly. I always liked Mr. Masen, but at that moment, I wanted nothing to do with him, or anyone else who couldn't provide the drugs I had quickly become reliant on.
"Bella, I'm so sorry this has happened to you. First Edward left, and then your dad…No one deserves that kind of heartache, but trust me, nothing is worth you throwing your life away for. Your dad wouldn't want this for you, sweetheart. Please, let me help you."
"Don't touch me!" I spat. "It's none of your fucking business."
I grabbed my beers, and then stumbled my way out of the store. I was pissed at the old man, in fact, I was beyond pissed, though I really wasn't sure why. All I knew was that I wanted some kind of revenge.
I told James and his crew that I overheard the cops saying they were going to bust The Lot, so I suggested we go someplace new that night.
"That vineyard is always do desolate. No cops would ever see us out there," I told them. They were all brainless idiots, so of course they thought it was a good idea.
So after trekking out to the farthest point in the Masen Vineyard, we began to light up.
I had no further plans other than to leave some trash out there amongst the vines, but a couple of the retards in their further idiotic state, thought it would be funny to light some leaves on fire.
It had been a strangely dry season that year; the weatherman blamed the lack of rain on 'El Nino', which I always thought was a little funny. But because of the lack of moisture in the air, that one burning leaf caught and spread, and the next thing I knew, the fire was uncontrollable.
I never meant for that to happen, but it didn't matter, it was still my fault. No one would have gone out there at all if I hadn't told them to. I didn't set the fire myself, but I might as well have so what difference did it make. I wanted revenge of some sort, for what, I still didn't know, but what I got was just more self-loathing.
"Swan, come on, let's get out of here!" James yelled for me, and we all went running for our lives as the flames spread. I could hear the sound of fire engines wailing as I went, which only added to the noise of my screaming conscience torturing me with self-directed insults.
When we finally emerged from the vines, I saw Mr. Masen standing there watching our escape, and I knew I couldn't continue. My path of self destruction had bled onto a man that had never been anything but kind to me, and I was absolutely disgusted with myself. He did nothing to deserve my 'revenge', and I realized just what a horrible person I had truly become.
"I'm not leaving," I said evenly when James tried to pull me away.
"We're going to get arrested," he hissed.
"I don't care," I said honestly.
"Fine, to hell with you," he said carelessly, and then ran off.
I just stared at Mr. Masen as he stared impassively back, and then finally he turned and watched the firemen trampling through his undisturbed vines to get to the ones burning.
I couldn't remember a moment when I felt worse than I did right then, so not knowing what else to do, I just sat down on the dirt, and waited for the police to come arrest me. I deserved to be in jail after what I did, in fact, I really hoped I got into a prison fight and was beaten to death.
But the police never came.
After a few days of waiting alone in my father's house, I decided to go see why I wasn't being arrested. I went to the police station, and because my dad used to work there, people were very forthcoming with the information I needed. The fire had been blamed on nature due to the dry conditions.
I didn't understand it, and I felt like absolute shit, so I decided to go talk to Mr. Masen. But when he came to the door, he didn't look upset to see me, in fact, he almost looked relieved.
"Words cannot express how sorry I am for what happened, but I know that doesn't change anything," I told him.
"What's done is done; all that matters is that no one is hurt and you're finally going to get back into your life where you belong."
"Aren't you going to press charges?" I asked confused.
"Yes…I will if you stay here and keep hanging out with those losers. Don't waste your life the way I have, Bella. Go find something to make of yourself."
I shook my head. "This is all that I am," I said emotionlessly.
"That's bullshit!" he snapped. "You are so much more than what this town has to offer, and I am so sorry that my moron son couldn't appreciate what he had in you. He made the wrong decision in leaving, and someday, he'll realize that."
I shook my head. "It doesn't matter anymore. None of this is about him, I'm just…"
"Lost, I know. So go find what you're looking for," he encouraged. "If you don't do it for yourself, then at least do it for me. Make all this mess up to me by making something of yourself. "
"Why are you trying to help me?" I asked incredulously.
"You're a good person, but I think you've forgotten that….Someday I may need your help, and I know without a doubt that you'll give it. Now go, I don't want to see you around here again unless you're in a better place personally."
I nodded. "I really am sorry," I said sincerely.
"I know," he replied. "Just promise me you'll make something of yourself. That's all I want, and then we'll call it even."
"I promise."
That promise actually meant more to me than any other I had ever made before, and I refused to fail. I signed up for a head-hunter to help in the search for a new job, and they applied absolutely everywhere for me. I went into interview after interview, but for a reason I didn't understand myself, I found myself working at a small magazine company in Seattle. I knew nothing of fashion and current trends, but it was the best paying offer with the most room for growth.
I threw myself into work, but the job was simple; I was basically the assistant to the Editor in Chief, and did whatever I was told. But from time to time, I had to fix whatever problems the editor created, and my good work didn't go unnoticed. After only being there for a little over a month, I was presented with a new opportunity.
"Miss Swan, there is an opening at Poise Magazine in New York," my editor told me one day. "It's nothing more than what you're doing now, but there is so much more potential there for you, so I've put your name in the mix of candidates."
"Seriously?" I asked shocked. I never considered actually moving to New York, especially alone, but with nothing really holding me to Washington anymore, I thought, 'what the hell'.
I flew there for the interview the following week, and was overwhelmed with the city, but at the same time, it felt right, like I was on the path to where I was supposed to be.
In the depths of my mind, a thought of being in the same city as Edward again crept in, and was something more than desirable. Perhaps we could cross paths and have a conversation. Perhaps there was a chance, perhaps… - I tried to kill the thought, but it refused to die, so instead I buried it. I couldn't think about Edward, not then, not after everything that had happened since we were together, and not ever again. He was my past, and I needed to look towards the future. He'd probably hate me if he ever found out what I did to the vineyard anyway.
The interview went amazingly and I was offered the job on the spot, so before I could freak myself out, I accepted.
I flew back to Washington to pack my things, but that's when it happened…. I was hit hard with a stomach bug, or so I thought, and when I was still vomiting a week later, I went to the doctor.
"What the hell do you mean?" I asked in shock when the doctor told me what was wrong.
"Miss Swan, you're pregnant. About twelve weeks, to be exact. It would be a wise decision to start prenatal care immediately."
I felt sick, and it had nothing to do the physical changes happening inside of me. I had done my best to put my druggie loser phase behind me, in fact, since I was clean and sober the thought of James on me and inside of me made me absolutely disgusted with myself. I hated what I did so much that I'd sometimes wished I would have OD'd rather than live with the fact that I had actually let that repulsive man screw me….but now, it would never go away. No matter where I went, I'd never be able to outrun what I did, and I'd take James everywhere I went.
I couldn't do it. I couldn't stand the thought of him still being inside of me. I wasn't pregnant with a cute little baby that was half mine, no, I was carrying the seed of Satan….at least those were the feelings I was having.
"Miss Swan, calm down," the doctor said as I began having a complete nervous breakdown.
"I can't do this, I need it out," I told her.
The doctor sighed. "Abortions are legal in most states until the fourteenth week. You do have a couple weeks to think about it, but…"
"I don't need to think about it, I want it out!" I shouted.
"Miss Swan, try to calm down. We do not perform abortions here, but I can give you a pamphlet…"
"Then just give it to me so I can go."
…
I couldn't get the abortion fast enough, and when it was over, I expected to just go back to normal, but I just felt…hollow. I didn't know it then, but I didn't just kill what was inside of me, I also killed myself. I turned off all of my emotions, and just walked around life as nothing more than a cold echo of who I used to be. The only thing I had left was a promise, a promise that I refused to fail at.
The job in New York was even easier than the one in Seattle had been. The work itself got harder, but life was easier because I just didn't care anymore. I was a machine, focused on the task at hand and nothing more. I quickly moved up in the company, just as I knew I would, and I found myself in the center of the fashion world. People knew me, and before I knew it, I was running the company. It was in no way my dream job, but it was fulfilling a promise to find success, and that was what really mattered.
I'd date occasionally, but really it was just for show. Women who never went out were assumed to be lesbians, and in my industry that definitely wasn't a good thing. Schmoozing the 'talent' was just part of it, and my career was the only thing that I cared about.
Most of the time I dated male models or had casual hookups, and every time I met someone new, I had an overwhelming fear of becoming pregnant again. I was on birth control, but I always insisted on the guy wearing a condom as well, and it had nothing to do of a fear from STDs. I rarely dated any one guy for more than a couple weeks, but then I met Riley. He was a photographer who I worked with from time to time, and he was the sweetest person I had met since Jacob, except, he was straight.
I found myself in a strange relationship with him, and no matter how much I detested touchy feely situations, that was exactly how he was. I didn't even know how I ended up with a 'boyfriend' like that, but every time I tried to break it off with him, he'd do some kind of big 'romantic' gesture, or people would tell me how great he was. He was everything any woman would want, and yet, my emotions for him fell flat and I wondered if it was because I was dead inside, or perhaps I just knew I didn't deserve him.
The next thing I knew, five years had passed and I was living my life while trying to do whatever possible to avoid my 'significant other'. I was horrible to him, but he was so supportive and understanding that he always forgave me, even when I didn't ask him for it.
It was during my relationship with Riley that I began another strange relationship of sorts….I started writing Mr. Masen. I wasn't sure why I wrote him at first, but it probably started after one of Riley's cheesy sappy gestures and I was feeling more than I usually allowed. After writing back and forth with Mr. Masen a few times, I learned of his son Alec and their financial hardships. He never asked for the money, but he didn't have to. I knew he needed it, and after what I had done to him, it was the very least I could do.
Life with Riley was more than a little uncomfortable for me, but after his third proposal, I knew enough was enough and I finally broke it off. Riley wasn't the right kind of guy for me, and if I was less of a coward, I would have set him free years before.
A few months after my relationship ended, I met Caius. Now, Caius, was exactly right for me, and I knew I was where I belonged. We were a great show couple, and behind closed doors, neither of us cared what the other did. We were both cold personally and career driven, so there were no false hopes of grandeur between us.
But then he decided to change things…
"Isabella, you know better than anyone that I like the way things are between us; we're a great couple, everyone thinks so," Caius said casually to me one evening during dinner.
"And?" I prompted him impatiently. I had a deadline at work, and I was irritated that he had even insisted that we went out in the first place.
"The thing is, in the world of business there comes a time when a man needs to show stability…"
"Oh god, tell me you're not going to…"
"Just listen," he said annoyed. "I need to get married, but I like our current…arrangement. All that would change will be our legal status. Nothing else will be different. When we're apart we can still see who we want and do whatever we feel like. Actually what we have is the modern thing to do; I suspect more people will be having an open relationship like ours in the future, so there's no reason not to marry. We're the norm now. Think about it, a marriage could be good for your career as well."
"Fine, I'll think about it," I said sourly. I didn't want to get married, I had left a perfectly decent man for that very reason…more or less. But maybe Caius was right, a marriage could actually be good, as long as it didn't change anything. I had come to rely on consistency and control as a means to suppress as much emotions as possible, so as long as the marriage didn't affect my daily 'normalcy', I supposed it wouldn't be so bad.
But then a blast from the past sent my life spiraling out of control…
***Part 2 is ready and waiting, so REVIEW and I'll post it!