WHITE OUT
Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell. ~Edna St. Vincent Millay
These good fellows don't belong to me but I promise when I'm done to pick um up, dust um off and with a kiss on the cheek return them safely home.
CHAPTER 26
Emily went still as they backed out of the driveway now unable to even scream anymore. Her hands and face pressed against the window as she watched Kanda's lifeless body disappear into the distance of the long driveway. Panic surged through her knowing at this time of the morning they had been all alone. It would be at least another hour before the farm crew showed up to work and they wouldn't be looking for Kanda for a while either. Johnny and Roy would be at work and the routine daily phone call wouldn't come until at least midafternoon.
Would she die alone out there? Was she already dead? She had watched him hit her, momentarily stunned at what had happened because never had he done that while they were married. Even when he would lose all patience there was never physical abuse. What had driven him to this point?
Horrified she next looked to the man she had once loved, loved enough to married him and knew that he was no longer the same person she had known years before. It wasn't the more haggard appearance or the worn by life sag of his shoulders; it was the rage and hate that filled his eyes.
He took an old rag off the floor and wrapped it around his broken hand growling with pain and hate as he mumbled a mouthful of unkind and obscene names to his attacker. Emily knew to hold her tongue no longer sure if he was capable of hitting her, even if she was pregnant.
"Is that baby coming out today?" He spat at her.
She had not even been thinking about contractions while they drove down the back roads out of the city. As she focused a bit more she realized with relief that they had eased up. She shook her head no to him.
"Good. We ain't got time for that right now."
"What do you want from me Nick?" She asked warily after taking a deep calming breath.
"Like I told that body guard of yours Kindle. That baby is mine too and you're not taking it away from me like you did Mag." He swerved around corners making her grab the handle above her head.
"I never kept Maggie away from you and you know it. You're the one that walked away, not me."
He slammed on the brakes so hard that she bruised her palms stopping her impact into the front dash.
"Let me make this very clear right now. You owe me and that baby is my payment. You're gonna make up for the crap I've endured when you left me in the dust."
It was then that she knew and her heart sank as he sped off again. She knew it couldn't be about loving this baby. It was about the money, always about the money with him. Getting away was her only hope and she didn't know when or how, but it had to happen. As the sun came up she began to orient herself to their direction and realized they were heading north. As her princess stirred inside of her the time grew shorter in her mind.
In the silence she formed a plan.
Roy sat beside her in the quiet room as Johnny dozed in another chair. The sun was beginning to set outside and the colors of red, gold, orange and yellow lit up the sky. He watched TV but the sound was turned down so low there was little to focus on. When her fingers closed on his he was instantly at her side.
"Kanda?" He leaned in close to her. A large bandage was wrapped around her head and the left side of her face was darkly bruised, the eye and cheek swollen. But when those lids fluttered open she was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen.
"Roy?"
"I'm here honey." He leaned in and kissed her cheek. "Take it easy."
He could watch the fog slowly clear as she become more alert and that was quickly followed by panic in her eyes. "Emily?"
Roy wanted more than anything to be able to tell her all was well, that Emily was safe at home or it had all been a bad dream. He also wanted to take the pain away because when he didn't have any answers she began to cry.
"The police are looking for him now. Is there anything you can remember?" Johnny asked her as he sat on the edge of the bed with her.
There was little to remember and that upset her even more. She could describe him but they already knew who he was. There was little distinct about the car and no plates on the front for her to identify. The more she tried to find that magical clue the more upset she got.
"Roy, I think she was in labor."
"I know," he said sadly. "That's how we found you so fast. Kaila was worried when you didn't show up."
She tried to sit up and was greeted with nausea and dizziness.
"Oh God Roy he won't help her, he was so angry with her." She grabbed her head as he encouraged her to stay still.
Johnny reached beside her and pushed the nurses call button seeing how distraught she was and the pain that washed across her face. In just a moment Joe came through the door with a nurse.
"It's good to see you awake Kanda. How are you feeling?" He quickly checked her eyes with his flashlight pen and checked her bandage.
"Nauseated some, headache."
"That's to be expected but everything looks good. You're a very lucky woman."
She shook her head. "I don't feel very lucky right now."
He patted her hand. "I know but you need to try and get some rest okay?"
"How can I rest when she's out there alone."
"You have to eat something," Roy encouraged her.
She pushed the hospital tray away feeling repulsed by the smell.
Brackett came in with her chart. "Good morning, how are you feeling?"
"Ready to go home Kel." She said without much emotion.
He eyed the uneaten tray with a frown. "I'd like to see that you can keep some food down before releasing you Kanda."
She locked eyes with him, a mix of resolute stubbornness and pleading. He sighed with resignation knowing this was a battle that he could fight and win though it would do no one any good at this point.
"Roy, try to make her get some rest at least."
He nodded knowing that it wasn't the doctor's first choice to release her so quickly. "I will."
When they were alone again she turned to Roy. This time there was determination in her eyes. "We have to find her."
Emily opened her eyes to find them traveling down a long stretch of two lane road in the mountains. The previous day had been all travel with few stops along the way and only those when she threatened to wet the seats if he didn't. Otherwise she slept or nibbled on the snacks that he had bought at gas stations. It kept her avoiding conversation and allowed him to relax a bit making him feel less threatened and on edge.
"I'm hungry Nick," she said quietly.
"There's food right there."
"I can't eat anymore junk or I'm gonna be sick. I need some real food. She needs food." She rubbed her belly.
He looked at her then took a deep breath. "Okay, but if you make any trouble for me," he threatened.
"I won't, I promise. It's not like I can outrun you."
A short time later they pulled up to a small diner sitting just off the side of the road. The empty parking lot gave it an abandoned air and she wondered if they could get anything here at all. He pulled around back and parked where the car was out of site.
"Stay here," he barked. Once out of the car he peered in the back window, having to rub it clean with his sleeve to even see anything. Another glance around the area was followed by his elbow impacting with the window pane knocking it out. A quick hand inside released the lock on the door and he cautiously entered the building.
Emily stayed still. This was not the time or the place to make a move and she knew it. Right now it was about earning his trust and biding as much time as the princess would allow her. Seeing him motion for her from the door, she exited the car and worked her way into the back hallway of the restaurant.
The sun was up, but the inside of the building was dark and gloomy. Nick left all the lights off until they reached the kitchen, only then turning on one light for her.
"Find something for us."
Just glad to be free of the car for a bit she began searching through the cupboards. They were well stocked but nothing was really easily instantly fixed so she chose to rummaged through the large refrigerator until she accumulated enough supplies to make them some sandwiches. She was ravaged and nibbled along the way as she gathered some carrots and a couple of bottles of lemonade.
She was startled to turn and see him watching her from the doorway.
"Can we sit down to eat?" She asked as she passed him a plate and drink.
"Of course," he said and motioned for her to find a table.
Quietly they munched as she worked to avoid his gaze. Feeling like she didn't know him anymore she was unsure as to what would antagonize him. He swallowed a couple of aspirin for his hand. There was no sympathy for his pain for every time she looked at the bandage wrap around it she ached for Kanda not knowing if she was dead or alive.
"I want to keep her safe and healthy okay?"
"I want the same thing darling."
She inwardly cringed. "Well, this would be easier if I could get access to some money for us to live off of."
He paused and she knew she had him. It had been his driving force for a long time and she knew it would be the key to her escape.
"How?"
"I only need to make one phone call. Kindle will do whatever I ask of him."
He instantly began to shake his head no.
"No, you can listen to the call and everything I say. But that's the only way I can do it. You left my bag at the house Nick. I don't have anything," she threw her hands up. "No credit cards, no ID, nothing."
He was thinking about it and that was at least a start.
"Finish eating. We need to get moving again."
She watched him stand up before her, pulling out a cigarette and looking out the window down the road. She wrapped the remainder of her sandwich in a napkin for later and ran her finger along the dust of the table before standing up and heading to the door ahead of him.
"Dare I ask where we are going?" She asked looking back to him.
"Our new home baby."
As they pulled away from the café the only thing left behind was a finger drawing in the dust.
Help me, Emily. With an arrow pointing north.
"Roy please," she begged.
"You're going home."
She looked back to her brother. "Johnny, we have to look."
He shook his head. Roy was right. She was right. Any other time it wouldn't have been a battle, but they were on the way home from the hospital after coming close to losing her.
Roy shook his head. "Kanda, the police have been there." He wanted her home, safe, and resting.
She put her hand on his arm as he drove. "Roy, I know they've been there, but they don't know her like we do. We might see something important or something missing they would miss. It won't take long. Please."
Damn. She always made sense. Roy was torn up over Emily being gone, as much as everyone else. Looking over to her he realized that just as with Brackett she was going to get her way. "For just a few minutes, then home with no argument."
"I promise."
Johnny smiled. He wanted her home to, but he wanted to do something to find Emily. If getting in his Rover and driving 1000 miles would bring her home he would leave right now. The problem was they had no idea where to even start looking.
There was no yellow police tape, it was absent of crime scene markings at the door and even the doorman didn't know what had happened yet. Johnny pulled out the key to her place and was shocked at what they found. The apartment had been ransacked. Vases were broken, chairs turned over, pictures ripped from the walls and the floor covered in glass. Roy held onto Kanda's arm though she seemed pretty steady as they worked their way through the living room.
"The police didn't say anything about her place being trashed," Johnny said. The sadness in his voice tinged with anger.
"Sure didn't. Wonder if this happened before or after?" Roy pondered.
Kanda stood in the middle of the room. "He did it."
They both stopped and looked at her.
"Look," she pointed at the walls and shelves. "Every picture of Maggie is gone and every picture Emily painted has been destroyed. It was him."
"Good detective work Dr. Gage."
They turned to see a man in a suit standing in the door watching them.
"I'm actually surprised to see you here this soon," he said.
"And you are?" Roy asked as he moved between him and Kanda.
The man stepped forward and extended his hand. "Detective Mullins, FBI, I've been assigned to Emily's case."
Roy took his hand. "I'm Roy DeSoto."
"Yes," Mullins nodded with his head. "Dr. Kanda and John Gage."
"Well seems you already know everybody," Johnny grumbled.
Mullins moved through the living room closer to Kanda. "I'm here to help Dr. Gage. We have every intention of finding Emily and getting her back home."
Kanda saw the honesty in his eyes. "Thank you detective. That's why we're here. We want to help in any way we can."
He motioned to the disaster around them. "We found this the morning she was abducted and our assumptions were the same that is was Nick her ex-husband. I encourage you to look around and let me know if you find anything concerning that might be of help to the investigation."
Johnny moved to the kitchen which held a small desk area. Someone had already thrown her papers everywhere and he picked up each one and tried to straighten out the desk. He was heartbroken and being here made it worse. It made it a reality again to know that someone wished her harm and were capable of doing it. Picking up cups he placed them back into the cabinets, wiped up the counters and picked up the fallen candles that he knew she loved.
Roy and Kanda moved to her bedroom and found the same urge to return her things to their place. Kanda sat on the bed and folded clothes that had been ripped out the drawers while Roy put the drawers themselves back into the slots of the dresser. She looked through the small nightstand for anything helpful and realized she was looking for a sign that said "I have been taken here, come get me". She knew that wouldn't happen and as the tears fell down her cheeks she realized the fear in her heart could be true. Would if they never find her? Roy came to her side and simply held her while she cried.
Realizing that there was nothing left of help in the chaos they re-gathered in the living room where Mullins was hanging up the phone.
"Any luck?"
She looked around again trying to find the smallest detail that might help only feeling dismay when nothing made itself obvious. "No, I'm sorry."
He walked up to her. "We'll keep in touch with you if anything new is learned. And in return if you would please let us know if you have any contact with her."
"Of course," Roy said.
Tears ran down her cheeks as she leaned against Johnny. He looked at the detective. "Thank you."
Kanda sat on the couch, her legs tucked up beside her as she went through her phone book. She called every number associated with Emily including the family that had only denied and shunned her before. Her voice pleaded for them to share any information that might save her or the baby's life. To her disgust she was only greeted with hang up's and cussing. Putting the phone back down on the hook she lowered her head to the couch arm.
"Here," Roy said as he offered her a couple of pain pills and some hot tea.
"I can't sleep Roy, not now."
He opened her hand and placed them in it. "If you don't get some rest now, you will collapse soon and be no help at all."
Seeing the concern in his eyes she took them without further complaint.
For the next couple of days Roy and Johnny stayed close to her concerned with her apparent grieving as each day brought no news to them. Was she alive? Was the baby alive? The stress was not only hard on Kanda, but everyone that knew Emily.
When Johnny and Roy were forced to return to work the loss was felt at the station also. No one knew what to say and the feeling of heartache permeated the air.
"Johnny, Roy, my office," Hank said as he gestured to the room.
"Sure Cap," they said in unison.
Once inside, they both took a chair. "I just wanted to see how you were holding up."
"Best that can be expected Cap." Roy said quietly.
"Powerless is what we are." Johnny said as he slammed his fist on the armrest.
"You know you have all our support in this and if we could go find her ourselves we would," Hank said, feeling his friend's pain.
"We know Cap and appreciate it. Just not knowing is the worst."
Hank looked at Roy and saw the strong man waver. "Come talk to me when you need too."
They both nodded and headed back out to the bay determined to just see the end of the shift soon.
Each day passed and even though the pain never lessened they had to work, take care of the ranch, stay busy with the kids, and reality began to take over. Kanda never stopped the phone calls in search of her as she called hospitals daily looking in emergency rooms and labor wards. The police kept her listed as a missing person and intermittent checks with the FBI revealed no new evidence to find her.
Never did a moment go by that the anguish lessened.
"I miss Emily daddy," Jenny said as he tucked her into bed.
"I know you do sweetie, I miss her very much too." The words were hard to even say now and seeing both kids showing grief for what happened tore at him.
"Can we call her tomorrow?" Her eyes lit up.
He smiled at her. "As soon as we get her number, we will call. I promise."
"Yay," she gleamed and nestled under the quilt.
He kissed her forehead, "Night honey."
Roy wandered down the stairs to find Kanda knowing the days were long and she had to be exhausted. After glancing in the living room he knew where she would be. A place he often found her now, in the small beautiful nursery down the hall that remained empty. She sat in the rocking chair as she held a teddy bear Jenny had got for the baby. Tears clouded her eyes and as he traced his finger along the wound on her head he wondered if the wound in her heart would ever heal after this.
"Let's get some sleep okay?" He said as he gently guided her out of the room.
"Every night I hear her cry," she said as she rested her head on his shoulder.
He wondered if any of them would heal unless they got Emily back home.