Disclaimer: I know this might come as a total shock to some of you, 26 chapters in, but I don't own Dragonball Z.
Okay, male readers, let's all hunker down and get serious for a second here; most of us had a crush on Android 18 when we were in elementary/middle school. We all fiercely loved Dragonball Z, and there just weren't very many other lady characters to attach ourselves to. There was Bulma, who was with Vegeta, and even in our wildest fantasies we probably didn't think we could beat up Vegeta. There was Chi-Chi, but ahahaha no. There was Videl, but that was later in the series when most of us had advanced to masturbating to pixelized, half-loaded titties on some library computer's bad dial-up connection.
My point is, after 26 chapters, I'm running low on options for straight pairings, which is why I've used Android 18 four times in a row. That being said, this is going to be a lot of fun, because Vegeta and Android 18's two episodes worth of interaction in the main series is like a goldmine, only instead of gold, the mine is full of foul-smelling turds that y'all seem to love sniffing around on so much. So yeah, Vegeta and Android 18. Have fucking fun.
Android 18 jumped off of the lookout, leaving behind a very embarrassed Krillin. No one was that perturbed, because embarrassment was just about the only emotion that seemed perfectly natural coming out of Krillin.
"Cheer up, buddy," Gohan said, putting his hand on Krillin's shoulder. "I'm sure she'll come back."
"Gohan, she called me a shiny-headed failed footstool," Krillin said in response. "She told me I was less appealing than the throat of Cell's tail and that the only reason she kissed me on the cheek was because she knew Dr. Gero had failed to update her programmed evil nature and needed to try and do it herself through trauma."
"She was just puked up by a psychopathic sorta-robot," Yamcha said comfortingly, "it's pretty understandable that her emotions would be running a little high."
"High enough to tell me that my penis went back in time and invented laughter in early female homo-sapiens?"
"That was admittedly a little harsh, but-"
"High enough to tell me that, if my nose and my penis switched places, literally nothing would change?"
"Okay, she sounded like she spent time working on that one, but still-"
"No, Yamcha. No. She was pretty clear about her believing that I would be the Usain Bolt of premature ejaculation."
Yamcha deflated, his weak smile falling. "Yeah. I guess you're right. Tough break, man."
"If it's any consolation," Tien chimed in, "we're still ambivalent toward you."
Krillin lifted his head toward Tien and smiled. "Thanks. That helps, a little."
"So, what are you going to do now?"
"I don't know. Maybe I'll do like Android 18 suggested and offer my penis to some cockroaches as a child-size off-brand pool noodle. See you guys later."
Krillin dove off the lookout before anyone could see his tears. Gohan looked after him for a while, then turned to the other Z fighters. "Guys, I wish I knew what a penis was."
Shenron, who everyone had forgotten about in the middle of 18's huge rant, glowed his red eyes. "That's an extra wish, but it's easy to grant and amuses me."
Gohan closed his eyes against his will, and images flashed in his mind. "AAAAAHHH!"
()()()
Android 18 walked down a sidewalk in a newly-revived city that was destroyed by Cell when he was looking for her. She crossed her arms over her chest and shifted her eyes all around, feeling guilty. She knew she was programmed to murder more than just Goku. She also knew these people died a few days ago because Semi-Perfect Cell, the big-mouth ass motherfucker, was trying to smoke her out, and not in the cool Android 17 way.
But most importantly, she knew that if these pent-up-looking men didn't stop glaring at her soon, Shenron was about to have wasted his time wishing these people back. She wondered why Shenron bothered in the first place. Half of these people didn't even look like they functioned. This was one of those inbred communities where they still debated the pros and cons of bestiality. On top of that, it was almost all men, at least from what she could see.
"Say!" A man on the other side of the street yelled brazenly at her. She didn't turn her head to acknowledge him. "Are you a lady-folk or one of them tranny-vests?"
18 finally gave the idiot the benefit of her direct line of sight. What greeted her was not pretty. This man's great grandparents had the same parents, and his family tree didn't spread out much farther than that. She couldn't even make eye contact with the freak because one of his eyes was looking off to the side and the other one was actually an ear.
"Well?!"
The android, not caring that what she was doing would get her on the Z-Fighters' shit list, fired a beam at the deformed man and exploded him, sending the smell of singed ass-hair and pork rinds sautéed in Satan's ball-sweat wafting into the sky, which was fading back to blue from the black it took on with the summoning of Shenron. Everyone screamed and ran into the nearest building for safety.
18 was ready to fly away from the scene of the crime, but was stopped cold in her take-off pose (not that kind of take-off, you slobbering boner-havers) by an all-too-familiar voice coming from the sky above her.
"Where do you think you're going, android?"
It was Vegeta. 18 felt her teeth rattle. If it had been one of the weaker fighters, she could have gotten away. Not only could she never dream of escaping Vegeta, he had a score to settle with her, and this gave him the perfect excuse to put her down for good.
"None of your business, Vegeta," said 18, who exerted just barely enough control over her voice to stop it from cracking. She didn't crane her neck to look at him. "What do you want?"
"Well, a piece of that mutated earthling you just blew up stained my boot."
18 hated Vegeta harder than she imagined she could hate him. She could practically hear the smirk on his face as he talked to her, toying with her like a cat with a ball of yarn. Speaking of yarn, it occurred to her that she was going to die dressed like the '80s threw up on her after giving her the world's most literal pearl necklace. That was somehow the hardest part of dealing with this new predicament.
"Relax," Vegeta said in a sudden, firm, down-to-business voice. "I'm not here to kill you. I already exacted my revenge when I let Cell absorb you. Maybe I'm speaking from a lack of experience, but being vomited by a giant insect-bot is probably worse than anything I could have done to you. So, yeah, you can stop shaking now."
The android had no idea she was quivering until Vegeta told her. Somewhere between her embarrassment and her rage, the thought of what else she must do without even realizing made her stomach sour. She flew up to meet Vegeta evenly, teeth gritted. "You're a bastard."
Vegeta laughed. "Not true. I was definitely planned. Father even had my room painted blue in advance of my birth. 'Course, after the night Nappa slept in there, they had to repaint the room white to mask his sexual leavings on the walls…" The Saiyan prince trailed off when 18's disgust could no longer be hidden on her face. "Am I letting you in on more than you care to know about me?"
"Oh, only all of it," 18 said. "But you're still a dickhead."
"Am I?" Vegeta retorted, floating closer to 18 in order to assert his point. And man, if this chapter is anything like the last 25, 18's "ass" is going to "ert" by the end of this page. See what I did there? If you didn't, I advise you to keep it that way. "Am I a dickhead, android? Didn't you respond to a Krillin's love confession by making fun of his inadequate penis for ten minutes?"
"Let me set you straight on that," 18 said, "because I knew someone was going to come down and bitch me out for that. I didn't expect it to be you though. If Krillin didn't want me to make those comments, maybe he shouldn't have said he was into me while having a penis that looks like a prune's Faces of Meth 'after' photo."
"How do you even know the bald earthling has that problem?"
"Call it women's intuition. Or call it, 'Dr. Gero installing way-too-detailed information in my head about all of you.'"
"What does your information say about me?" Vegeta asked, smirk getting wider. "Or was there even enough room left in your tiny android mind?"
Any woman other than Android 18 would have been shocked at Vegeta's audacity. But Dr. Gero made sure to install Audacity into both her and her brother's programming (17 liked to call it "brogramming" in his case. God was she glad that idiot stayed dead). "Can't seem to find the file right now. I guess it got lost among other, BIGGER files…"
Vegeta frowned. "Don't call my bluff, android. I'll remove my pants right here, right now before I let some obsolete machine question my woman-satisfying skills."
"Well, if I'm questioning you," 18's voice got husky, although some overbearing mothers might prefer 'big-boned,' as did 18 herself, if you know what I mean, "why don't you answer?"
"You know," Vegeta said, "that's the first sensible thing I've heard you say since I got down here." Then he took off his pants in mid-air, causing even more screaming in the village below.
"…What the fuck, dude."
THE END