Huge thanks to Gredelina1 for beta'ing and all her help. Thank you all for reading, reviewing and supporting the story.

Chapter Six — Grief

September 2005 – January 2006

Bella

I stumbled back along the path to the house and let myself in. Until then, I had been strong, only calling after him once and not begging him to come back, but as the door clicked closed behind me, I wondered how I was supposed to bear it. The house was full of memories of him, memories of us together. How could I let him go when he was everywhere I looked?

I shrugged off my coat and hung it on the hook. That was good. Simple actions were easy to complete. They gave me no relief from the pain of his absence, but they at least gave me something to do other than lose myself completely. I went into the kitchen and opened the refrigerator, searching for something to cook. There were ingredients, but no idea of what to do came to me. It was as if the knowledge was gone. I saw raw meat and vegetables, but I didn't know what to do with them. Was I losing my mind already? Had only minutes without him broken me so thoroughly that I couldn't even do this? I slammed the door shut and rested my forehead against the cool door, trying to keep the tears at bay. It was no good. They came of their own accord, and all I could do was swipe them from my cheeks, as if losing the evidence of them would help. Nothing could help but him, and he was gone.

A sob ripped from me, and I knew I was close to breaking completely. I had to do damage control. I jotted a note to my father on the pad next to the phone, telling him I had a headache and was going to bed early. That excused me from cooking and would give me an excuse to stay in bed for the evening. That was good. Little steps I could handle. If I could just keep to them I would make it through.

I made my way upstairs to my room and curled up on the bed, hugging my arms around myself. The tears streamed down my cheeks, damping my pillow. The part that scared me most was that this hurt more than anything ever had before, even the knowledge that I wasn't a part of Edward's future. Part of me wondered if this was why he had cried and apologized that last day. Maybe I wasn't dead after all. Maybe I was just not with him. No. I didn't believe that. If Edward wanted to see me enough to defy physics and time to be with me, he would make a trip to Forks to be with me. It had to mean I was dead. I wondered when.

I had been lying there for an indeterminable amount of time when I felt another's presence in the room. I feigned sleep, not wanting to give Charlie a chance to talk to me.

"I know you're awake, Bella," a soft voice said.

That wasn't Charlie. The voice was light and musical the way only a vampire's could be. It wasn't the voice I needed. It wasn't him. But it was close.

My eyes snapped open. "Alice!"

She smiled sadly. "Yes, Bella, it's me."

She perched on the edge of the bed and I threw myself into her arms. She held me close, smoothing my hair and patting my back as I sobbed.

"It's okay, Bella," she soothed. "You'll be okay."

After a long time, the tears ceased their flow and my sobs quieted. I leaned back to look at Alice and saw the lines of stress in her face. I knew at once that this wasn't what I wanted and needed; she wasn't staying.

"Why are you here, Alice?" I asked.

"I shouldn't be. He will be so angry when he finds out. Even Jasper said I shouldn't come. But I had to. You needed to know."

"Know what?" I asked, then a terrible thought gripped me. "He's okay, right?"

"Of course he's not," she said. "But physically he's well. I am not here to talk about him though; I need to talk about you."

"What about me?"

Alice swept a lock of hair behind my ear and smiled fondly. "I think I already know the answer, but I should ask. Do you want to know your future?"

A mirthless laugh huffed out of me. "Why not? I've always known before."

"Okay." She nodded. "Bella, this isn't the end for you. I know it hurts, and you feel like you can't take anymore, but one day you will together again. I've seen it." She stared deep into my eyes. "You will be a vampire."

I sucked in a sharp breath. "What?"

"I saw it a long time ago, after the van accident. I saw you and Edward together in the meadow, and I knew you would be in love. I saw you and me together, and I knew we would be friends. And I saw you as a vampire, so I know you will be."

"We'll be together?" I whispered.

"I've seen it."

"But…" I tried to marshal my thoughts. "Does Edward know?"

"Yes, he saw it, too. He's not happy about it, obviously, but he knows it will happen."

"Why isn't he happy?"

"He didn't tell you?" She shook her head. "Of course, he didn't. The fool. Edward has strong beliefs about being a vampire. He believes, and I disagree, that to become a vampire is to lose your soul. He doesn't want that for you."

"He doesn't want me to be a vampire?"

"No, but that's because he doesn't understand yet. He will once it's happened. He'll see that you're still you."

Since I was fifteen years old, I had believed that I would die young, not, for the first time, I saw another option, this one more terrifying: an eternal life alone.

"Alice, tell me what you saw."

"It was you and me. We were together, and you were changed. Your eyes were golden and you were so beautiful. We were happy. We will be happy."

I nodded thoughtfully, pretending to absorb what she was saying happily, when inside I was quaking with fear. She didn't see me with Edward as a vampire, she saw me with her. I wouldn't be completely alone, but I wouldn't be with him. Given the choice between eternal life without him and death, I would choose death every time. At least with death there was peace at the end.

Alice stiffened. "Charlie's coming. I have to go."

Faced with the parting of another person I loved, the tears fell again. I knew she had to go, she needed to be with her family, but I needed her.

"Don't cry," she said, wiping her fingertips across my cheeks to sweep away the tears. "It'll be okay. We'll see you again soon."

No, it would not be okay. She would see me but he wouldn't. I loved Alice, but she wasn't the person I needed.

She kissed my temple quickly, and whispered, "Goodbye, Bella," and then disappeared.

The words echoed in my mind, adding to the horror of my thoughts. I wrapped my arms around my stomach and bowed over as sobs broke from me. I heard Charlie come into the room and felt the mattress dip as he sat beside me. He laid a hand on my back, soothing me as best he could.

I lifted my face to look at him, and I saw the sadness in his eyes as he watched me fall apart. "He's gone, Dad," I choked. "He left me."

Charlie pulled me against him and ran his fingers through my hair. "I know, baby. I know."

Charlie

I thought I knew pain. I'd felt it before, when my mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's, when Renee left, taking Bella with her, when my parents died within six months of each other. It turned out I knew nothing of pain until I saw my daughter's suffering. It wasn't like she'd lost a boyfriend; it was like someone had died. She was grieving for him.

Carlisle had called me at the station, telling me about the job offer. I congratulated him, not thinking at the time of what it would mean for Bella. He'd apologized for leaving so soon, and then I'd had the first understanding of what he meant. They were already gone. Edward had left, too.

I'd called in the night shift early, so I could get home, sure I was going to find Bella hurting. I didn't understand just how deep that hurt went though. When I found her crying on her bed, I comforted her as best I could until she had fallen asleep in my arms. I'd laid her down and covered her with a blanket, thinking that at least sleeping she was having a little peace. I was wrong.

I was asleep on the couch when I heard the piercing screams upstairs. I leapt to my feet and grabbed my gun from the hook by the door, prepared to take out whoever had through it was a good idea to break into the Chief of Police's house, scaring my daughter, but when I got to her room, I saw there was no one to protect her from. She was still sleeping, thrashing around on the bed, screaming, but fast asleep. I placed the gun down carefully on the floor and moved to sit beside her.

"Bella, it's okay," I said gently, shaking her shoulder. "It's just a dream."

She gasped and her eyes flew open. "Edward?"

My heart broke a little. I would have given anything to be able to deliver him for her. I couldn't though. He was gone.

She blinked. "Dad?"

"Yeah, honey, it's me. Are you okay?"

"Bad dream," she said. "I'll be fine."

"You want to talk about it?"

She shook her head. "I don't even remember it. Just being scared."

My daughter didn't lie to me often, but she was lying now. She knew exactly what she'd dreamed, as the shadows of it were still in her eyes.

She nestled deeper into her pillow and closed her eyes. "I want to sleep now, Dad."

"Okay." I smoothed back her hair. "You sleep."

She closed her eyes and I saw a tear track down to form a small damp spot on her pillow. Fighting back my own tears—I'd never been able to bear her suffering—I picked up my gun and ambled into my own room. I would be closer there if she needed me again.

I went to work the next morning, and my day passed in lurches. The Cullens leaving town was the hot news of the day, and only Mark had the forethought to ask how Bella was handling it. I didn't want to confide in him about it, so I said she was okay. It felt like a betrayal to her to talk about her pain.

When I got back from work, I wasn't expecting Bella to be in the kitchen, cooking, as she usually was, but I was still stunned by what I saw. She was still in bed, dressed in the clothes she'd worn the day before.

"Bella, honey, didn't you go to school?" I asked.

She didn't even look at me. She stared right through me at the opposite wall.

"Bella?"

She blinked slowly. "I didn't feel good," she said in a monotone voice.

It was the voice that scared me more than anything. She didn't sound like my daughter. She sounded like a robot.

"Do you want me to call Doctor Gerandy?" I asked.

"No, thank you."

I tucked the blankets in closer around her and made my way back downstairs to make a phone call. I had never seen Bella like this before, but I only saw her for weeks over the course of a year. Renee might understand her better.

Nothing changed for almost a week. I took time off work to keep an eye on Bella, but she didn't even seem to notice I was there. After the first day, when she told me she didn't want to see Doctor Gerandy, she stopped talking altogether. I couldn't make her eat more than crackers. The best I could get her to drink was glasses of water. The only time she left the bed was to use the bathroom. I was at my wits' end, and I did the only thing I could think of to do, I called in help.

Renee arrived in a whirl of energy and concern. Bella's only reaction to her mother's arrival at first was a slightly raised eyebrow, but when Renee started pulling her clothes out of the closet, talking about how much Bella would like Florida, and packing them into a case, Bella came to life. She leapt out of the bed and tore the pile of clothes out of Renee's arms, flinging them on the floor.

"No!" she screamed. "I'm not going."

"Bella," Renee gasped, and I knew she had never seen Bella like this before. Nor had I.

"You can't make me leave!" Bella snapped, then she turned to me and her anger gave way to desperation. "Please, don't make me leave, Dad."

I was torn. I wanted Bella with me, but I couldn't bear to see her hurting. "Maybe it'll be better in Florida," I said. "There'll be no reminders there."

She shook her head and a tear splashed down onto her shirt. "I'll do better. I'll be better. Just don't make me go."

"Charlie!" Renee snapped, looking at me. "She needs her mother."

"It's up to her," I said. "If Bella wants to stay here, she can. It's her home." I locked eyes with Bella. "But you have to do better. You can't stay like this, Bells; it's not healthy."

She nodded energetically. "I will. I promise. Just don't make me leave."

"Okay then," I said. "Let's get this place cleaned up."

"I can do it," Renee said stiffly.

I looked at Bella and she gave me a covert nod. I turned and left them, trusting in Renee to take care of our girl.

Things got a little better after that. Bella went to school. When I got home from work she'd be cooking or working on her homework at the table. She didn't see her friends, and they stopped calling after a while. She didn't cry anymore, she didn't hide in bed, but she didn't live either. She existed.

When she spoke, it was out of necessity. When she smiled, it was forced for my benefit. When she thought I wasn't looking, her face fell into lines of sadness. She did everything she needed to do but be happy. And I started to understand that happiness was just out of her reach now. She was still grieving.

I knew what I needed to do, though I didn't want to. I had given her months to pull herself together, but she just couldn't do it. There was a piece missing that she just couldn't find. She had lost the piece of herself that she had given him.

That morning in January, I waited to talk to her before school, hating what I had to say, but knowing it was for the best.

xXx

Bella

As I pulled the truck to a stop in my usual parking spot, I looked around properly for the first time in months. There was a rusted Ford in the spot the Volvo used to be. The trees that lined the path to the office were barren. Winter had come and I hadn't noticed.

Charlie had dropped a bombshell that morning. I had to 'snap out of it' or go to Florida to be with Renee. He wasn't being unkind. I knew he wanted me to stay with him, but I was failing in our deal. He said I could stay if I did better, but I wasn't doing enough. Good grades and meals on the table weren't what he wanted from me. He wanted me to go out with my friends and be happy. Happiness was an impossibility, but I could at least deliver the friend part.

Angela and Ben were standing by Ben's car, deep in conversation. I pulled my book bag over my shoulder and made my way across to them, fixed smile in place.

"Hey, guys."

They both looked stunned. I wondered how long it had been since I spoke to them. I remembered them trying in the early days, but that had been a long time ago. I had let more people than Charlie down lately.

Angela recovered herself first. "Bella, hey."

"So," I said, widening my smile slightly, "I've got a free night and I wondered if you wanted to do something."

Angela looked apologetic. "We can't. Tonight is our date night with Austin and Katie."

"Oh, okay. Tomorrow?"

"I can't. Jess and I made plans to go to Port Angeles, and the rest of the week I've got to help with the twins. Maybe next time?"

I nodded. "Absolutely. It's a date. I better get to class." I hurried away from them before they could see my mortification. I knew I hadn't exactly been there for them lately, but not even Ben had found a time we could hang out.

I briefly considered asking Jessica out somewhere, but I nixed that idea in a hurry. I was eager to appease Charlie, but not so eager that I would expose myself to her. I had to come up with something better.

The school day passed in a blur. I had been numbed for so long that I didn't notice anything, but now I had pulled myself out of my own head for a while, I saw everything in its jarring reality. School was people and noise and confusion, and I wondered how I had ever stood it. It was also a reminder of what I had lost. Edward's presence was strong in school, in the empty lunch table and the seat beside me in class. All in all, I was glad to see the end of the day.

I drove home slowly, even slower than the paltry speed my truck was capable of, in no hurry to see Charlie and admit to him that I had failed. He had a day off work, so I couldn't even have a couple hours peace before he got home. As I pulled onto our street, though, I noticed another car parked beside the cruiser. It took me a moment to recognize it as belonging to Billy Black, and when I did, I groaned. He was sure to be thrilled about the Cullens leaving, and I didn't want to see his smugness.

I called to Charlie as I let myself in and he met me in the hall. "Thought you were making plans tonight," he said.

"Angela was busy. But we're going out next week."

He nodded his satisfaction. "Okay. That's good, I guess. Billy and Jacob are here. I invited them to stay for dinner." I made for the kitchen, but he caught my arm. "You don't have to cook, Bells. We'll order pizza. Why don't you come in and see Jake for a while?"

Jacob I could handle, but his father's happiness was another matter. "I'll be right in," I said. "Just give me a minute."

Charlie nodded and went back into the lounge.

I made my way out to the back porch and sat on the swing, propelling it lazily with my feet. I looked out over the dirt of the flowerbeds and sighed. Edward had helped me make them. He'd tilled the earth and planted the flowers from seeds and bulbs with me. A lump formed in my throat and I bowed my head. I was usually good at this, controlling the triggers, but with my protective numbness gone, I had no defense.

The door opened beside me and I looked up to see Jacob on the threshold. Something about the look in his eyes, the sympathy and worry, stole my last reserves of calm and I started to cry. He slid beside me on the chair and wrapped a strong, warm arm around me. It wasn't what I wanted, I wanted coolness, but it was still comforting.

He held me for a long time as I cried, and when I sat up straight and rubbed at my eyes, he smiled slightly.

"I'm sorry," I sniffled. "I didn't mean to fall apart on you."

"It's okay," he said. "I've got two sisters. I'm used to tears."

I laughed slightly and a new freshet of tears made their way down my cheeks.

"You want to talk about it?" he asked.

I found that I did. For the first time, I wanted someone to understand what I felt. Through my sobs, I explained, leaving out all elements of the supernatural, only sharing my heartbreak.

"And Charlie wants me to do better," I said. "And I'm trying, but I feel like I'm drowning."

Jacob cupped my cheek in his warm palm and looked into my eyes. "Then let me save you. I can be your friend, Bella. I can help you."

I looked into his wide imploring eyes and decided to go ahead and trust him. He couldn't save me, it was too late for that, but maybe he could help.

So…Alice made an appearance. It always pissed me off that she left Bella without a word, and I was pleased that I could alter that in this story. Hope you enjoyed her little visit.

Until next time…

Simaril xxx