May, 2012

Lindsay hurried through the crowd of Cinco de Cuatro celebrants on the boardwalk, trying to find Herbert Love, a Republican candidate for congress who she'd been in a secret relationship with for the last month. She'd just learned that her activist boyfriend Marky Bark was planning to blow up Herbert's boat during the Festival of Lights to embarrass him and his campaign and she was trying to find him to warn him.

She felt more than a little guilty about betraying Marky to save Herbert. She wanted to choose Marky. He was the kind of down-to-earth activist she'd always told herself she was looking for, while Herbert stood for everything she was against (not to mention the fact that he was married). She wished she could be content to run away with Marky and eschew the comforts of her privileged life and devote the rest of it to enacting social change, but as hard she tried she couldn't convince herself that it was what she wanted. She couldn't help it, she loved the way Herbert made her feel. She hadn't been with someone who made her feel so special and interesting and beautiful since Paul, and she couldn't bring herself to let it go again.

She suddenly spotted him in the crowd with his aide, David.

"Herbert!" she called out, running over to him, which was difficult in her tight dress and heels. She was also wearing a red wig as part of her disguise as 'Cindy Featherbottom.' She hadn't intended to use a false identity with him, but she'd been in disguise when she'd met him, as she'd been trying to sabotage his campaign speech at the time, and she hadn't found the right opportunity yet to tell him she wasn't who she'd said she was. She caught up with him and grabbed his arm. He turned around.

"Hi," she said. "Um, listen, I'm here undercover because I have some inside information that you really need to know about."

"Well, I've got some undercover information for you, too," he said. "I cannot be under the covers with you anymore."

Lindsay did a double take. That hadn't been what she'd expected to hear.

"It's over between us," he said. "My wife found out and I told her that there was nothing emotional, but that you were just a prostitute."

"I'm not a prostitute!" Lindsay said indignantly.

"Oh, I know, I know," he said quickly. "The point is, we are through." He handed her a wad of cash. "Here's a little severance package for servicing my package."

Lindsay tried to throw the money in his face, but she didn't have the muscle memory for it. He looked at David in confusion as Lindsay tried unsuccessfully to let go of the money.

"She's keeping it," David said.

"Oh, good!" Herbert said happily. "And don't forget to vote!" he added to Lindsay as he walked away.

"This isn't over!" Lindsay called furiously after him. "I'm not some taco you can throw into the bay!" She continued to try to the throw the money. "Why can't I do this?" she said to herself in frustration. Then she saw Maeby walking by.

"Oh, Maeby!" she said, surprised to see her.

"Hey," Maeby said, stopping.

"Oh, hey, I need to apologize to you," Lindsay said. She'd recently found a check Lucille had written for Maeby to get plastic surgery, and she'd given it to George Sr. "That check you've been looking for… I had it."

"Had?" Maeby repeated.

Lindsay held out the money Herbert Love had given her. "It's not everything, but here's some money," she said. Maeby smiled and tried to take it, but Lindsay still couldn't quite let go.

"Mom," Maeby said. Lindsay finally managed to open her fingers enough to let Maeby take the money from her. She sighed.

"It's dirty money anyway," she said. "Love gave it to me."

"He gave you money directly?" Maeby said incredulously.

"If you can believe that. Anyway, this is your money now, and if you choose to do facial reconstruction… I mean, the nose, right?" she said, and walked away.

As she wandered through the crowd she thought again about Herbert Love. Had he really thought she was a prostitute this whole time? What had she done to make him think that? She'd thought he really cared about her, he'd been so nice to her, always complimenting her and buying her jewelry. Her eyes filled with tears. She blinked them away angrily. She didn't want to cry about him, she shouldn't have even been with him in the first place. She had to do something to get back at him, to show him he couldn't treat her like this. She started heading to the dock. It looked like she would be helping Marky after all.

She reached the dock and stopped when she saw Marky below, climbing into a rowboat with a suitcase that presumably contained the bomb to blow up Herbert's boat. Her heart sank. She knew she should go with him, she'd just suffered the consequences of following her heart instead of her head, and she had to get back at Herbert somehow. But she couldn't do it, she couldn't go to Mexico to be with Marky and his awful mother. She turned away, not sure where she was going now. Then she ran into her own awful mother.

"Mom!" she said in surprise. She'd thought she was still in prison for trying to steal the Queen Mary. "What are you doing here?"

"Lindsay, I thought you were a hooker!" Lucille laughed. "Again!"

"It's a wig. No one recognizes me in it."

"Oh, I recognized you. Let me rephrase that more kindly. I hear you're hooking now, with Herbert Love."

"It's called 'hooking up,'" Lindsay said, annoyed.

"Oh," Lucille said, clearly still mocking her.

"And yeah, I got a little sidetracked, but, I know who I am now," Lindsay said. "I'm back to being severely liberal."

"Well, like I said, the one time you were nice enough to visit me, you are who you are. A blonde, waspy Orange County princess who doesn't care about anything but herself, and that's okay."

"Ah, sarcasm," Lindsay said. Jesus, her mother was the last person she'd wanted to see right now.

"No," Lucille said. "I'm a Bluth, and so are you."

"You really know how to twist the knife," she said. "But you are right about one thing. I don't need this anymore."

She took off her wig and threw it in a nearby trash can, then walked away. She'd just gotten an idea—she would go work for Lucille 2's campaign. Lucille 2 had been something like a mother to her, except kind and loving and willing to let her eat. She'd invited Lindsay to work for her campaign a few months ago, but Lindsay had been busy at the time changing the world with Marky. But now she had the perfect opportunity to get back at her mother and Herbert Love by working for their mutual rival.

She saw Lucille 2 in the crowd and went over to her.

"Lucille 2!" she said. "I've got great news. I'm finally available to become your campaign manager!"

"Oh, that's lovely, dear!" Lucille 2 said. "But I've found someone more qualified than you."

Lindsay looked over and saw her longtime rival, Sally Sitwell.

"Hello, Lindsay," she said.

"Sally," Lindsay said with a grimace. Sally gave her an air kiss.

"It's been awhile," she said.

"Mm," Lindsay said, and turned back to Lucille 2. "How is she more qualified than me?" she said under her breath.

"She has integrity! And look at this hair!" Lucille 2 said, touching Sally's long blonde hair. "Look at this beautiful long hair!"

Lindsay felt the back of her head. She'd cut her hair short a year earlier.

"I made you a banner," she said, feeling betrayed. "Look, I can really help this campaign!"

"You already have," Lucille 2 said. "More than you know. Now, give her a little show-and-tell," she said to Sally, and walked away.

"Show-and-tell?" Lindsay repeated, confused.

"Oh, she just means these photos of Herbert Love with a mystery redhead he's cheating on his wife with," she said, handing Lindsay some rather graphic photos of her with Herbert Love.

"Who took these?" Lindsay said, mortified.

"The first two were taken by the security camera in the Albertson's parking lot, and the third was left in the photo booth at the Ealing Club."

"God, that was a photo booth?"

"Mm hm."

"No one can know about this," Lindsay said desperately.

"Oh, I'm afraid they're going to. Lucille has copies, she wants to go viral with this. Herbert Love with his hooker? She'll win for sure."

"I can't let her do that."

"I don't think you can stop her," Sally said sinisterly. She suddenly gave her a cheerful smile. "Anyway, it was so great running into you again! Mwah!" she said, giving her another air kiss.

Lindsay stood there as Sally walked away, horrified. She'd already felt like this night couldn't get any worse, and now the world would view her as Love's prostitute.

"Herbert Love? Herbert Love?"

Lindsay looked over and saw Herbert's aide walking through the crowd, apparently looking for him.

"David!" she called out to him.

"Who are you?" he asked, apparently not recognizing her without the wig.

"I'm Cindy Featherbottom!"

"I've been looking for you!" he said. "Love's gone missing, and I've got to find someone to jump onto that stage and to show everyone here that we are the party that has complete con—con—complete con—con—con—con—complete con—"

"—trol?" Lindsay said.

"Giant!" he snapped back. "—trol!"

Lindsay suddenly realized she'd stumbled upon an opportunity to put a spin on the looming photos scandal.

"I'll do it!" she said.

"Oh my god, thank you, thank you! And I'm so sorry about that giant crack earlier. Okay, raise the mics, everybody! New speaker!"

Lindsay walked uncertainly up onto the stage. Like many before her she was about to accuse Herbert Love of sexual harassment. Better to let everyone think she was a victim than a prostitute. She went over to the microphone.

"Can I have everyone's attention?" she said nervously. The crowd quieted down a little. "I am Herbert Love's 'key advisor,'" she said with air quotes. Everyone cheered, apparently not picking up on the sarcasm. "Uh, thank you, but, uh…" she said, caught off guard. "Listen, I have a few things I'd like to tell you about Herbert Love. Love wants to put up a wall," she said, thinking she'd need to turn his supporters against him before she accused him of sexual harassment. But this seemed to have the opposite effect, as everyone cheered again. "No, no, no," she said. "I mean, not—not just any wall. A wall to keep out the Mexicans!" The crowd cheered even louder. "Oh, wow," she laughed nervously. "What a great crowd, uh… But no, you don't understand. He wants to separate, uh…"

A man suddenly jumped up onto the stage.

"Oh!" she said in surprise, then screamed as he ripped off her necklace.

"Viva Mongolia!" he yelled, holding her necklace high in the air, then jumped off the stage.

"That's my necklace!" Lindsay said. "What, what's happening, what's—" People started screaming as a group of men turned over carts and snapped guitars in two. "What—what's going on?"

"The marauders, lady, a bunch of young Mexicans are taking over Cinco de Cuatro!" a woman in the crowd said to her. "They don't find it funny anymore!"

"But that was my necklace," Lindsay said, upset. Herbert Love had given her that necklace. "I mean, god," she said, feeling her neck where the necklace had been. "They don't belong here, we belong here," she muttered angrily.

The crowd erupted in cheers. She looked at them, surprised.

"I mean, someone should put up a wall," she ventured. They cheered even louder. "Yeah!" she said, nodding, happy to have some validation. "We should put up a wall! Put up this wall!"

The cheering grew louder. She looked out at them, surprised to find herself in this situation but intoxicated by the energy of the crowd and all the admiration directed towards her. She started to chant.

"Put. Up. This. Wall," she said dramatically. The crowd joined in.

"Put! Up! This! Wall! Put! Up! This! Wall! Put! Up! This! Wall!"

"My name is Lindsay Bluth!" she shouted, exhilarated. "And this is who I am!"

She realized cameras were flashing and started to pose for the pictures, waving and pointing to people in the crowd like she'd seen politicians do on TV.

"She's a game changer!" she heard David saying. She grinned at the praise.