Hmm...lots of reviews last chapter. Clearly I need to make fun of the President and Twilight more often. And this story now has over 50 favorites! Sweet. Anyway, yeah, I know, I'm not updating enough, especially since I'm kind of eager to get this story over with...but anyway, here ya go, hope you enjoy!

Chapter Twenty-Six
A Jihad, A-gain

"Ah, back to the pristine paths of Du Weldenwarden," Arya sighed, pushing past the trees and moving nimbly through the brush.

"Ugh. Stupid forest," Orik grumbled. "Why do we have to come here, anyway? We always seem to go wherever you want to."

"Well, maybe if you start fulfilling all of the protagonist's sexual fantasies, we'll get to do what you want once in a while."

"You're going to fulfill all of my sexual fantasies?!" Eragon asked, eyes wide. "Even the really filthy ones?!"

She wrapped an arm around his shoulder. "I might, if you buy me something with lots of diamonds," she said teasingly.

"Deal!" Orik sighed and facepalmed.

"Quit complaining. I like the forest," Saphira said. A happy, fluffy, possibly magical bunny ran by her feet; Saphira's head snapped down and it vanished. "Mmm..."

"We're almost there," Arya said happily. "Back to the magnificent leafy palaces of Ellesmera. Now to bask in the wonderful natural habitat, the relaxing, restful days, the California-esque climate of careless apathy to any and all---what the fucking fuck?!"

She froze as she moved aside the last tree branch and saw the city come into view. The city that, now, actually looked quite a bit like a city---tall stone buildings, very few trees, and---most horrible of all---elves that were actually doing something. That "something" being moving very large blocks of stone towards one of the biggest buildings, which was still under construction.

"What the Helgrind?" Eragon said, jaw dropping.

"Mother!" Arya cried, as Queen Islanzadi walked past, pushing a massive stone block with Oromis and a few other elves. "What has happened to our beloved city?"

"Daughter!" Islanzadi gasped. "Well, um---"

"WE DID!" a massive voice called, freezing everybody in their tracks.

Arya, Eragon, Orik and Saphira all turned and looked up, to see six massive figures towering over them. "Meep," Eragon said, turning pale, his pants suddenly feeling very wet.

"Oh my gods!" Orik paused. "Literally."

"I AM GUNTERA, KING OF THE DWARVEN GODS!" the lead figure cried, and then, in a far softer voice, "And you are...?"

"Uh, Eragon Shadeslayer, Gary Stu-slash-protagonist. And these are Arya, the ridiculously amazing elfin princess, Orik the clichéd, token dwarf, and the MacGuffin Saphira."

"Hey!"

"Oh, you know you are."

"Yeah, but it's not nice to say it."

"Whatever." Arya turned back to the deities. "And what are you gods doing here?! Didn't you hear? We elves are enlightened atheists, at least in this story where Brisingr hasn't happened yet. Maybe that will change later."

"Is the author of this story ever going to read that?" Saphira wondered.

Hey, I've got, like, four huge university projects due in the next month. Quit riding my ass! Not every writer gets three school-less years off, you know.

"Well, then isn't writing this chapter at all just a little risky?" Eragon asked, raising an eyebrow. "I mean, the spoiler said there would be something with a god in the third book, so if you accidentally contradict the canon you're going to look pretty stupid to your readers."

Just then, Eragon's clothes transformed into a a fluffy pink ballerina outfit complete with tutu.

"Agh!"

Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you just needed a reminder of who the hell's in charge of this story!

"Okay, sorry!" Eragon said, turning red as he tried to cover up his humiliating outfit.

"Um, excuse me," Kilf muttered, looking at her watch, "but can we, like, get back to the story here? I have a nail appointment at three."

Oh, sorry. Uh, where were we?

Arya pulled out her script. "Um...'We elves are enlightened atheists, at least in this story where Brisingr hasn't happened yet...'"

Oh, yeah. And then Guntera says:

"We, the gods of the dwarves, have come to put a stop to your blasphemy, elf-princess! We have established our own worship once again among the mortals of this forest."

"Lol what?!"

"Oh sweet, our gods are ruling over the elves now?!" Orik giggled. "Boo-yah, Sue-bitch!"

"But---no! That's impossible!" Arya said, stomping her foot like a petulant child. "We're the fuckin' elves, damn it! By definition that makes us better than anyone else, that's how fantasy novels work! We're hot and magical! We bend to no other force!"

"Foolish elf-whore! You think you can exclude yourself from the natural order of the universe simply by declaring yourselves such? I mean, the hubris of it all! You think that just because you have some pitiful magic of your own, that you are above the gods themselves in wisdom and power?"

"Uh...DUH!" Arya said, rolling her eyes and turning up her nose. "Like you're so wise and powerful. You're not even smart enough to realize that you don't exist!"

Morgothal and Urur looked at each other and facepalmed simultaneously. Guntera's face was wroth...and stuff, and he proclaimed-eth, "Oh yeah?!"

"Yeah!"

"Well, listen here Miss I'm-So-Smart-Just-Because-I'm-a-Hot-Elf-Mary-Sue!"

"That's Ms. I'm-So-Smart-Just-Because-I'm-a-Hot-Elf-Mary-Sue, you sexist asshole!"

"---We 'imaginary' gods have managed to take over the entire elfin civilization! And there's nothing you, your oh-so-enlightened elf subjects, or anyone can do to stop us!"

"Oh, I'd like to test that theory," a new voice said.

Everybody spun around. The trees were suddenly being pushed apart but another group of gigantic creatures, but these ones taller and thinner, though similarly made of raw, elemental power (and stuff).

Queen Islanzadi gasped. "Oh my gods! It's...our gods!"

"What?!"

"But I thought the elves were all annoying, preachy atheists," Saphira said, frowning.

"Well, yes," Islanzadi said. "But back in our original homeland, we had a group of gods who ruled over us in a peaceful utopia. But after we realized that they didn't really exist, things got kind of awkward, and since they stubbornly refused to accept their own nothingness, we eventually had to be the mature ones, so we packed up and left."

"Wow. For a race of atheists, I gotta say, you guys are kind of unscientific."

"What elfin trickery is this?!" Guntera demanded, stepping forward to jab the lead elf-god in the chest. (Which was kind of awkward, since the proportions were the same as for mortals---the elf-god's chest was roughly level with Guntera's face.) "Who are you?!"

"I am Manwo, god of the sky!" the elf-god replied, pounding a fist against his chest. "And this is my lovely wife Varde, goddess of the stars, and the rest of the elfin pantheon, the Varal!"

"Hmm. This sounds familiar," Orik muttered, rolling his eyes.

Eragon raised an eyebrow. "Really?"

"Yeah, but I've probably read more Tolkien than you. And here I thought the religion thing was the one way they were actually different."

"We, the Varal, have come to take back our worshippers from thou stocky heathens, and return them once more to the true worship of we, the blessed...us!"

Helzvog scoffed. "Pfft. Screw that!"

"Yeah!" Urur said, waving his hand and accidentally knocking down several elves with a sudden blast of wind. "You guys were too much a bunch of pussies to hold onto your own worshippers, you snooze, you lose. These guys are ours now."

"You tell 'em, Your Holiness!" Orik cheered.

"Fuck that! We owned them first!" Manwo said, coming within a foot of Guntera. "We have the right to take our time fulfilling our will, and that doesn't mean you little freaks have the right to come in here and take our stuff!"

"The elves belong to us!"

"They belong to us!"

"Don't we get a say in this?" Islanzadi asked weakly.

"NO!" both pantheons screamed, before turning back to scream at each other.

"Listen here, you divine dick---"

"Apotheosized asshole---"

"Almighty idiot---"

"SHORTY!"

"OH, THAT'S IT!" Guntera turned to his fellow dwarf gods, raising his hammer, since all dwarves carry hammers unless they carry axes instead. "Dwarven pantheon! TO WAR!"

"TO WAR!" Manwo screamed, along with most of the other elven gods.

The two sides rushed at each other, and Eragon, his companions, and all the other elves ran out of the way to avoid their massive feet, several getting squished in the process. Fireballs flew through the air, lightning crackled, the earth began to shake and water began to fly as the two pantheons battled against each other with all the raw power of Alagaesia.

"Eat rock, bitch!"

"Ha! Your writer didn't even think to add a war god! He obviously didn't know a thing about writing a realistic religion!"

"THEY EXTINGUISHED MORGOTHAL! THEY EXTINGUISHED MORGOTHAL!"

"This is crazy!" Eragon said, cowering under a tree. Pause. "And why am I still wearing a tutu?!"

"Who cares?! RUN!" Arya screamed.

And so Eragon and his companions fled with the other elves into the forest as the theomachic war continued behind them.

(Meanwhile...)

The slight sound of wings beat the air as the figure landed on a cloud. "My Lord?"

"Yes, Gabriel?"

"I have the newest report from Alagaesia---you were right. Tipping off the Varal worked perfectly. They and the dwarf idols should wipe each other out by the end of the day."

"Good. And the missionaries?"

"They should land there in about a week."

"Excellent. In the meantime, get to work on the Helgrind cult, weaken up their hierarchy a bit. Then, send a nice vision to one of the nomads or something, that should get things ready for the arrival."

"Yes, my Lord."

Gabriel flew away. God chuckled. "Ah. Those poor fools. Even Zeus wasn't this easy."

Meanwhile, on Earth, Christopher Paolini and Stephanie Myers were eaten by Barack Obama.

"Wow...really fishing for reviews there, aren't you?"

I---yes, Sir. *shameface*

A/N: Okay, that's another chapter done...hope you enjoyed. Will try to update at least fairly soon. Please leave a review!