Bang on the head: Apply here.
Sorry for the massive delay…as usual. It wasn't due to a hecktic schedule or some other grand, dire need that got in the way…no, this was one hundred percent laziness (and some writers block). However, the final part of the arch is finally here! Free cake and ice cream? No. Lots of random insanity that makes no sense? Yes. Was it worth the wait? Uh…we'll leave that to your imagination.
Okay, part three of the 'Lost' Character Arch!
Chapter Twenty Six
I ATE A SOCK THIS MORNING
In which we Smith fails to get Johnson's Phone Number
"There it is gentlemen," said the old woman to the gang, as Valon and Kevin just got back from Victoria's secret, happily skipping and toting little pink bags with the logo on it. "This is Mount Random...a trial among trials in itself…"
"Figures," said Akiro, looking at the huge, towering mountain.
"Oh yes," said the cackly old women. "To get to the top, you need to maneuver against such horrible things as giant, blood sucking sponges, homicidal turkeys, key lime jello, men with strange fixations of other men, and various random things that may look harmless on the outside, but turn around and bite you in uncomfortable places!"
"Scary," said Raffy flatly.
"And if you clime that mountain, you will not get to the king of randomness!" said the old lady, as the others in the gang sweatdropped. "It is on one of the thousand hills of fourteen and a half pointy things!"
"How do we know which one the king's living at?" asked Bianca.
"We use this!" said the crinkly old woman dramatically, pulling out a hunk of glazed ham.
"Of course. Something that makes absolutely no sense," said Akiro. "Now why didn't I see it coming?"
"NO FOOL!" said the old woman, kneeing Akiro in a spot that's very uncomfortable to be kneed in (especially if you are a man). "This is a magic ham! If it turns into something other than common meat, it means that somehow, somewhere, we are in the presence of the great king of randomness himself!"
"I hate you all…" said Akiro in a very high pitched voice, falling to the ground in pure pain.
"HAM!" screamed Bianca, bitting into it, getting electrocuted the second her teeth made contact with the flesh of the meat, while Valon pulled out a pair of ladies underwear from his bag that had frilly, lacy polka-dots all over it.
"That makes no sense," said Alister, now wearing a police officer's uniform. "AND IS THERE ANYWAY YOU CAN PREVENT ME FROM POPPING UP IN THESE STUPID OUTFITS?"
"Well…I know one spell in my arsenal that just may do the trick," said the cackly old women, kneeling on the ground, her hands clasped together. "Merciful gods in the heavens, vile daemons that lurk in the undershadows, lend me the power to free this youthful maiden-"
"GUY!" yelled Alister angrily, now in a one-piece swimsuit and an inner tube.
"-maiden from the unearthly powers that dress one in silly clothing…" said the old woman. "Nasar…maestaria…"
With that, from the sky, a bunch of clouds slowly began to part in the sky, as small streaks of sunlight peaked through them, gradually gathering around Alister's form, and with that, a chorus of voices from some greater power began to sing, weak at first, then with growing strength and intensity. Without any wind in the air, a few strands of Alister's hair began to flutter in the breeze, and suddenly, with a great, high, extened note from the supernatural chorus, a huge column of light descended upon Alister, completely swallowing him in the majesty around him.
"ALISTER!" Raffy yelled, as the wind from the impact nearly threw him back.
"It's so pretty…" said Bianca.
"IT FITS ON MY HEAD!" said Valon triumphantly, somehow having stretched the ladies underwear over his head, so that the legholes turned into eyeholes.
Slowly, every so slowly, the column of light thinned, revealing Alister…totally nude.
"AAAAAAAH!" shrieked Alister, trying to cover himself up.
"What do you know! It worked!" said the old woman, as Bianca pulled out a disposable camera and took a few pictures.
"I SHOULD FREAKIN' SAY!" yelled Alister angrily, snatching the pair of underwear off of Valon's head, and quickly putting them, figuring the indignity of wearing women's underwear wasn't as bad as that of wearing nothing at all in front of two women. "Do any of you have some outfits I could borrow?"
Everyone shook their heads no.
"WELL THEN ALL OF YOU CAN JUST GO AND ROT!" yelled Alister angrily.
---ooo---
"I have officially decided that we are not dealing with a five-year-old," said Dartz to the other crew, as all four crouched behind a bunch of bushes, watching the little girl watering the flowers outside of her house with a pink gardening can. "We are dealing with one of Satan's personal servants…"
"One with very good dress sense," said Pegasus.
"Shut up Uncle," said Dartz angrily. "Ordinary trickery isn't going to work on her. The only way we can possibly hope to defeat her is to infiltrate her personal lair, and defeat her from the inside out, and right under her nose!"
"You mean…we're going…inside the house?" asked Ziggy.
"That's exactly what I mean," said Dartz. "It's our only other option. We have no other choice."
"But we nearly got killed by her pit bulls!" yelled Ziggy in terror. "What other horrible creatures can she possibly house in that pit that she calls her home?"
"Look, if we don't get the tome then that crazy rabbit will do…it again," said Dartz. "Besides, she expects that the way that we're going to get into her house is through the front or back door!"
"So what?" asked Pegasus.
"So we sneak in through the basement!" said Dartz. "Pegasus, can you break through the basement window so we can get in?"
"NO! That would be uninspiring!" said Pegasus. "Whatever I do…I DO IT SO THAT I CAN MOVE THE HEARTS AND SOULS OF MILLIONS!"
---ooo---
"What?" asked some kid, watching some 'Doom Bikers' episodes. "Pegasus is still alive?"
"Whatever," said another.
--ooo---
"Well…fine," said Dartz. "Ziggy…it's up to you…"
"RIGHT!" said Ziggy, banging his head in salute. With that, he pulled out a chainsaw, pepper spray, a megaphone, and a squirrel, and humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme song in a very loud and very annoying voice, he slithered on his stomach all the way to the basement window.
When he made it to the wall, he was about ten feet away from the actual window, and he threw himself flat on his back against the wall, looking in all directions. With that, he took a long, cautious, but quick step toward the basement window. And then another. And another.
Then, when he finally made it to the window, he pressed his ears against the glass, banged it a couple times in various places on it, muttering to himself in bizarre, German dribble occasionally. With that, he took the chainsaw, pepper spray, megaphone, and squirrel-
-and chucked them all at a kid passing by on her bike, causing her to fall off into the road, where she was then hit by a truck.
"What the heck is he doing?" asked Dartz, as Ziggy pulled out a tuning fork, hummed a couple notes to get in tune and-
"EYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
He did an incredibly loud, incredibly high-pitched opera voice that caused birds to flea from the trees, cats to howl in horror, everyone in a three mile radius to buckle over, covering their ears, car alarms to go off, and, with a small, but increasing size crack, completely spit through the glass window that lead to the basement.
"DONE!" said Ziggy, giving them a thumbs up.
"Way to go," said Dartz, as he and Pegasus undrammatically walked over to the broken window, all ready to begin the infernal journey to the center of the house of horrors, as an angry mob slowly began to form outside…
---ooo---
"No…" said the old woman, the detection ham turning into chicken. "We're not there yet…no…cold…"
"STOP SNICKERING!" yelled Alister angrily, still wearing nothing but the polka dot, lacy women's underwear.
"You know, Tish always said that I had the brain of an underwear model!" said Bianca. "It feels so cool that I actually get to meet one!"
"SHUT UP YOU STUPID GIRL!" said Alister.
"I'm not stupid!" said Bianca. "I'm…uh…BIANCA!"
"Whee," said Alister dully.
"KEVIN! I LOVE YOU!" screamed Valon giving his caveman counterpart a huge hug, Kevin responding by biting into his neck.
"There they are sir," said a soldiery looking guy through binoculars. "It's the gang that we got tipped off on!"
"BLAST!" said the general. "What are they? What the heck are they?"
"I can't tell sir," said the cadet, continuing to look at the group through binoculars. "I don't think they're from around here sir."
"FOREIGNERS!" screamed the general. "I HATE FOREIGNERS! HATE EM! HATE! What the heck is wrong with foreigners? I mean come on! Our way of living not good enough for them? 'Ooh la la, look at our lovely cultural' WHATEVER! AS THEY JABBER ON, THOSE STUPID, TROUBLE CAUSING-"
"No sir, I mean they're not from this dimension," said the cadet. "OH MY GOD! THEIR SANE! Well, sorta."
"SANE PEOPLE!" screamed the general. "SWEET MOTHER OF GOD! Bomb them! Bomb them flat! I want every man to be armed to the teeth! I want two, no THREE tactical nuclear missiles for every man! I want every single atom on that ground to be smashed until it's nothing more than pulp! I want-"
"Shouldn't we try to make peace with them first?" asked another cadet.
Everyone fell silent.
"WHO THE HECK HIRED THAT KID?" yelled the general. "YOU! ARNOLD! GO OVER THERE AND KINDLY TELL THEM THAT THEY ARE ABOUT TO BE BLOWN UP!"
"But won't you blow me up?" asked Arnold.
"SELFISH!" yelled the general.
"What if they don't speak English sir?" asked another soldier.
"WELL WHAT LANGUAGE DO SANE PEOPLE USUALLY SPEAK PRIVATE?" asked the general.
Silence.
"I don't know," said the soldier.
"DOES ANYONE KNOW WHAT LANGUAGE SANE PEOPLE SPEAK!" asked the general.
"Hang on, let me look it up," said one of the soldiers, pulling out an encyclopedia.
---ooo---
Several attempts at trying to read the English language later
"BLOODY BOOKS!" screamed the general, using his bayonet to repeatedly stab the encyclopedia. "WHAT IS THIS STUPID ENCYCLOPEDIA BRITANICA VOMIT ANYWAY? If it was any good, they'd turn it into a movie, BEEP it!"
"Sir?" asked one of the privates.
"SHUT UP!" screamed the general. "I can see that my vast amount of intelligence is wasted on these pathetic books! NOW THEN! Some one hast to know what language sane people speak!"
Silence.
"COME ON! COME ON! I'M SURE THEY TAUGHT YOU THIS IN SCHOOL!" yelled the general.
"We didn't pay attention in school!" yelled another private. "Cripes, why do you think we're in the military?"
"I DON'T NEED YOUR ATTITUDE SON!" yelled the general.
"Sir?" said another soldier. "You're sprouting wings…"
"SHUT UP!" yelled the general, as two, poofy, white, feathery wings began to stick out of his back.
"Wait…I think they speak…ITALIAN!" yelled some guy.
"Good job man!" yelled the general, as the wings turned a little poofier and pink. "NOW THEN! Who here knows how to speak Italian?"
"Smith said he knew sir!" said a soldier.
"SMITH! Do you speak Italian?" asked the general.
"No sir," said Smith. "I lied so that I could highten my own social status in the rank, and because I wanted to get Johnson's phone number."
"It didn't work," said Johnson, another soldier.
"SHUT UP!" said the general. "YOU! Smith! Go out there and speak Italian to the sane losers!"
---ooo---
"AH! OH MY GOD!" screamed Ziggy in terror. "I'VE GONE BLIND! BLIND! BLI-"
Click.
Dartz turned on the light.
"Oh…no I'm-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" screamed Ziggy.
For indeed the basement of the little girl was one of many terrors. Scattered all around were various horrors, like blueprints of giant, man-eating robots plastured on the walls, detailed plans for conquering the world scattered across the ground, maps of various military bases strewn all over the place, various weapons, and a huge cage of snarling, braying, spit-spitting hounds.
"Whoa…this kid's got issues…" said Dartz.
"Well, she probably wants the tome so that she can use it's power to take over the world!" said Pegasus. "POOR SOUL! I must emotionally heal her!"
"DON'T YOU DARE PLATINUM BOY!" yelled Dartz. "We just want to find the tome and get out of here! I've had enough insanity to last me another ten thousand years, dangit!"
"Hello…"
The three turned to se where the voice was coming from, and in a cage right next to the cage full of baying hounds, there stood our favorite…something, Joku, staring at the three through the bars.
"Uh…hi?" asked Dartz.
"I'm Joku," Joku said in his usual monotone.
"Joku then…" said Dartz. "What are you doing here Joku."
"And my last name's Zokida," said Joku.
"That's great," said Dartz. "How did you get down here? Did the little girl trap you here?"
"And my middle name's Julie," said Joku.
"Uh…" said Dartz.
"What a charming young man!" cried Ziggy. "Surely, you aren't the great mind who wrote the book I have been worshiping for years, Stuff About Me That People Don't Really Want to Know?"
"I like ice cream that's been on the sidewalk," said Joku.
"YOU ARE!" screeched Ziggy with joy.
"Whoopie…" said Dartz. "Joku, we need your help. We're trying to find a mystical book of ancient wisdom called Le Tomenia D'einsaniarne. If we don't, and it falls into the wrong hands, very bad things will happen. Can you tell us where it is?"
"My mom says I look hot in pink…I have eighteen twin sisters…my dad is madly in love with a duck…" droned Joku on.
"HE'S A GENIUS! A GENIUS I TELL YOU!" cried Ziggy in admiration, tears in his eyes.
"Look, we aren't here to fanboy over soulless oinks," said Dartz in frustration. "We need to find Le Tomenia D'einsaniarne!"
"TELL US MORE! TELL US MORE!" cried Pegasus and Ziggy, as Dartz screamed in frustration.
"I hate fabric softener…whenever I sit near peanuts for to long, I get a rash on my buttocks…it's going to rain any day now…" said Joku dully.
"HE'S SO AWESOME!" screamed Pegasus and Ziggy.
"So…I tawt I smewwed giwy men down hewah…"
The three girly men screamed in horror, the voice of the five-year-old girl already bearing the ability to weigh heavily in their hearts…heavily to make them want to wet their pants at the sight of her horrible form…
"Th-this isn't what it looks like!" screamed Dartz.
"SHUT UP!" said the little girl. "So you've discovahed my pwan to concweh da wowld by buying da Pwaysashun entapwise and distwibutin PS3s to evewee pewson in da wowad, making dem addicted to games and hacking up da pwices so dat I would eventuawy contwol dee entire deficit of da pwanets fwee mawket industwee…"
"Well we hadn't had got that far yet to be honest but now…" said Dartz.
"I'm supwised you got diss faw…" said the little girl. "Stiww…you must pay de pwise for discovewing dis secwet…"
"This is one of those 'if I tell you, I have to kill you' things, isn't it?" asked Pegasus sweetly.
"You hit da naiw on da head," said the little girl from the top of the basement stairs. "And I just towd you too!"
"I don't want to die!" yelled Pegasus.
"Oh yeah, as if dat's gonna stop me!" said the little girl. "Giwy men…it's time to die wike da dogs yew awah…"
Before they could say anything else, the girl snapped her fingers, and out of the blue, three, huge army men surrounded the three, as they found themselves feeling the unpleasant sensation of what men feel when they're staring down the barrel of ten guns.
"TAKE DEM TO DA LAWAN!" said the little girl, as the three were dragged up the stairs by the fully armed men, the sound of their pathetic pleas mingled with the sound of combat boots tromping up the stairs.
There was absolute silence in the basement for a moment.
"I'm Joku…" Joku said dully, to no one in particular.
---ooo---
"OH MY GOD! IT TURNED INTO A CABAGE!" screamed the old woman, meaning the detector meat, which was, now, indeed, a cabbage, as the other members of the team stopped in their tracks. "At last…we're here! Somewhere in this area, we are in the presense of the great and powerful king of insanity!"
"Yay…" said Akiro sarcastically.
"WE'RE GOING TO MEET A KING!" asked Valon. "SWEET!"
"Are you sure none of you have extra clothes?" asked Alister angrily, still wearing the lacy girls underwear.
"What the…" said Raffy, as a soldier approached them. "Uh…who are you?"
"You have very nice butts," said Smith the army dude, who was speaking Italian to the group, so they couldn't understand a word he was saying. "We want to take you to a pasta bar. Crack open your skulls and suck out your brains. Take us to Madonna right now. I ate a sock this morning!"
Everyone stared at him without a word.
"THERE NOT ANSWERING SIR!" screamed Smith into a walkie-talkie.
"THEN FIRE!" screamed the general through the other end.
"DIE SANE FREAKS!" yelled Smith, pulling out a large duck and throwing it at them, which exploded on contact. With a massive BOOM, the entire area that used to hold the players in the game of randomness were blown up with a cloud of smoke.
"WE GOT EM!" screamed Smith.
"BANGONNAHEAD!" yelled Bianca, as the cloud slowly cleared, revealing the gang to be absolutely fine.
"THE DUCK DIDN'T WORK SIR!" yelled Smith.
"DANGIT! TRY THE PASSION FRUIT!" yelled the general.
"YAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!" yelled Smith, throwing the passion fruit at the gang, which merely bounced off them and did…nothing.
"NOW WHAT?" asked Smith into the walkie-talkie.
"I DON'T KNOW!" yelled the general. "GET IN THE BIG GUNS!"
"YAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! AGAIN!" said Smith, pulling out a super soaker.
"Look, we don't want any trouble," said Raffy. "We just want to see the king."
"THEIR ENEMIES OF THE KING!" yelled Smith into his walkie talkie.
"THEN WE'LL BOMB THEM FLAT!" yelled the general. "SMITH, PREPARE TO LAUNCH THE REALLY NASTY THING!"
"That's not what I meant…" said Raffy.
"HALT! HALT I SAY!"
With that, Smith dropped the walkie-talkie in sheer awe, his mouth gapped open wide at the person who was before him. With a great gasp that seemed to beg for forgiveness, he threw himself to the floor, his stomach on the ground, his arms far in front of him. He was throwing himself at the submissive mercy of the great king of randomness himself. Donned in formal gown, a crown perched on his kingly head, little poofy wings from his back, he was-
"IT'S THE FUNNY KID WHO GOT HIS ARM BROKEN BY TISH!" cried Bianca, pointing to…Fubuki?
"Yeah…whatshisname…Fubuki, right?" asked Alister.
"No loyal subjects!" cried the mad Fubuki-look-alike. "You must be confusing me with my identical twin brother Fubuki Tenjoin, plane-wandering celestial paladin of ultimate insanity!"
"HUBIDA WHAT?" asked Bianca.
"I am his identical twin brother…SMEG!" said, uh, 'Smeg'. "And I am the King of Randomland!"
Insert fanfare here.
"I can't believe we actually found him," said Alister. "There must be some catch…"
"ICE CREAM!" yelled Valon.
"Ah! My grand viser, Kevin!" cried Smeg, extending a friendly arm to Kevin. "Ah Kevin! How was your travels across Randomland?"
Kevin just licked his own hand.
"Kevin thanks you for escorting him back to the palace!" said Smeg happily. "For that, he wishes to give you all a wish…and I trust you would all like to go back to your dimension?"
"Yes, can you take us back please…and get me some decent clothes?" asked Alister.
"But you look hot in underwear…" said Smeg sadly.
"SHUT UP!" yelled Alister.
"Well…I must make your wish come true…" said Smeg, holding out a pipe cleaner. "Now all I need is for one of you to hold this pipe cleaner…"
"Uh…okay," said Raffy, taking hold of the pipe cleaner.
"Bye weirdo Akiro person and creepy old hag!" called Bianca.
"Yeah…sure…" said Akiro.
"Don't be a stranger hon…" said the old lady.
"KEVIN! I'LL NEVER FORGET YOU!" screamed Valon.
"May the fates and fortunes be with your stead, Valon," said Kevin in a very diplomatic tone, followed by him grabbing his huge club and smashing Akiro on the head.
"Okay…now what?" asked Raffy.
"I SHOOT YOU WITH THE MYSTIC PLASMA CANNON!" yelled Smeg, suddenly next to a huge cannon, that was humming threateningly as it slowly powered up. "Sayonara!"
BOOM!
---ooo---
"You giwy men, awe hewebye chaweged wid twying too ovahtwow my new wowd owdah," said the little girl, as the three men stood in front of a fireing squad. "Do you have any wast wods befow youw get bwown up?"
"DYING IS EASY! MATH IS HARD!" yelled Pegasus.
Silence.
"Owkay…" said the girl awkwardly.
"ALL WE WANTED WAS THE BLOODY TOME!" yelled Dartz. "IS THAT SO BEEPINY BEEP BEEP MUCH TO ASK?"
"Sheesh, it's wight ovah dere," said the little girl, pointing to where the next door house should be, as the three turned to see that there was actually no house at all there, but instead a huge, marble stairway that was lined with a long, red carpet with golden trim, as huge spotlights centered on a gold, glass, and crystal case, which sat a large, black, dusty looking tome, with quite clearly written in great, fancy, sprawled letters, 'Le Tomenia D'einsaniarne'.
"I can't believe we didn't notice that!" said Pegasus, as Dartz looked like he was about to cry. "Oh well!"
"FIWE!"
Suddenly, a huge hole opened up in the space-time continuum above the three, and there, out of it, spilled Raffy, Alister, Valon, and Bianca, all soaring down gracefully and majestically, looking like they were flying…
…squishing Dartz and the other two.
"HOLY GOD!" screamed the gunman. "IT'S THE FEMALE UNDERWEAR MODEL ALICE HUGES! AND SHE'S TOPLESS!"
"SHUT UP!" yelled Alister angrily.
"NO! STOP DEM! STOP DEM YOU FOOLS!" yelled the little girl, but it was too late. Alister was now swarmed by men, as he screamed angrily through the entire process.
---ooo---
"In local news today, the famous supermodel Alice Huges was seen on the suburbs of Domino City wearing nothing…(snick)…but a…(snicker snick)…well, you know…" said a newscaster, as a picture of a POed Alister appeared on the screen behind her. "Her comment to her fans was 'Bug off you sickening male creeps, I am a guy, darnit'. Great words from a great…great…incredibly great…woman…who looks dynamite in a bikini…SORRY! Sorry, losing track…"
He adjusted his tie a bit.
"In other news, a rabbit was brutally hugged today by a young woman who bears an eerie resemblance to Seto Kaiba," said the newscaster, showing a picture of Seta hugging Ka'aewu. "Kaiba's many fanboys were chasing her down the street, as well as the foolish yaoi cupplers who thought that Mr. Kaiba was cross dressing. It was utterly hilarious, tragic, sorry, that all of these young people…were hit by a bus. But survived. Somehow…DANGIT, sorry, sorry, I hate to do that…"
He cleared his throat.
"And now…a documentary on the Impressionist Era," he said.
---ooo---
Next time, a devious plot takes effect...one that could throw all of Domino, and quite possibly the world, into absolute insanity! Who will save us? Can this horror be stopped? Find out next time!