Listening to No Way Out by Phil Collins. This song pretty much sums up Lloyd's thoughts. When I heard it I couldn't believe it. Anyway, so finally got a job. Exhausting and does nothing for my free time to write, but I'll try to keep up with the chapters. Again, thank you everyone for reviewing. Love getting them and they are a great encouragement. I hope you all enjoy.
Disclaimer: Namco owns Tales of Symphonia.
Chapter 26:
"What do you want to know?"
The wind whipped around the two men standing behind Noishe's pen, driving cold rain into their faces. Lloyd ignored the chill moisture soaking his hair and rivulets running down his face. He watched Genis' suspicious eyes scanning him as the young teen hesitated at the abrupt offer. Lloyd still had misgivings of going through with this. It wasn't as if Colette's stern demand was truly binding him. He could turn and walk away from this confrontation easily enough. Colette would be disappointed and upset and Genis insulted; however...a part of Lloyd didn't want to walk away this time either.
So he stood, waiting for his words to sink in, preparing himself for whatever questions Genis would throw at him.
The half-elf shivered beneath his heavy gray cloak, his angular face tucked protectively within the hood, his gray-blue eyes conflicted with indecision and uncertainty. Slowly, it vanished, replaced with a set frown, one Lloyd had been expecting.
"Are you even going to bother answering my questions, or just dance around them?" He folded his thin beneath the cloak. "That way you can tell Colette you tried right?"
He didn't flinch. "You think I'm doing this for Colette?" Of course, Colette was part of the reason, but not entirely. He needed to remind himself of that.
Genis seemed to pull back uncertainly, as if Lloyd's question confused him. Still, with slight hesitation, Genis pressed with his assumption regardless. "Yeah, I do. You don't even want to do this, do you?"
Lloyd paused, considering his words. Honesty, he decided was what was needed now. He'd take Genis' reaction as it would come.
"No, not particularly," he admitted.
"Then why the hell did you bring me out here?" Genis' instant retort snapped, biting as harsh as the wind.
"To give you the opportunity," Lloyd said after a moment. "Just because I don't care to, doesn't mean that I won't try. Neither does it suggest that I shouldn't. I have many reasons why I should turn and walk away right now." He paused, noticing the surprise spreading across Genis' face. "However, I have reasons for staying and offering this to you."
Genis seemed torn with his emotions and Lloyd waited, allowing him to sort out his thoughts. Lloyd could wait. He felt a cold trickle of water trail down his neck.
"What are the reasons? For staying, I mean." The blue-gray eyes rose to meet his and Lloyd struggled to hold the gaze.
"Is that really important?" Lloyd ventured.
"It is to me," Genis answered.
Lloyd turned aside, unable to meet his old friend's inquiring look. "Colette, as you stated before is one. It upsets her to see us fight."
Genis said nothing, not that he really needed to. They were both aware of Colette's feelings. He waited.
"And I suppose leaving you ignorant has no real advantage, except for maintaining my privacy." Lloyd glanced at him, the wind lifting their cloaks, the wet cloth chilled.
Genis shifted, his eyes not leaving Lloyd. "Is that all?"
Lloyd met his eyes again.
'Tell him.'
No...
'Tell him.'
"I've hurt you."
The wing whistled sharply in the following silence, the two staring at one another. Genis went to speak; disbelief and confliction making him stop. Lloyd could feel him searching his face, looking for something that wouldn't be there.
Finally, he said, "Yeah...you did."
Neither said anything for a time, the half-elf turning his head to the side, staring out at the forest, an anguished frown on his face.
"I deserve any resentment or loathing you have towards me. I betrayed you. I betrayed everyone and I don't pretend I didn't. I made my decisions and I am willing to meet the consequences for them—" Lloyd started.
"Do you think I really want to hate you?" Genis turned his head slowly, fists clenched at his side. The tremble of his shoulders was not from the cold.
Lloyd didn't reply. He didn't know the answer to that. He deserved to be hated and that's all he knew. If he deserved it from anyone, it was Genis...
"I...I don't understand..." Genis started, faltering. "My best friend died. That's what I finally believed. After all those years of hoping with Colette, I gave up. I gave up! And I was—I was so mad at you!" he lifted his eyes, the pain in them like a brandishing knife. "I kept thinking 'How could Lloyd die? How could my best friend die on me? Just like that' and I hated you for it and I hated myself for thinking that—"
"I apolo—"
"Shut up!" Genis snapped, a slight catch in his voice. "Your apologies mean nothing to me! Because I don't know if you actually mean it!"
Lloyd swallowed quietly, his expression impassive.
"You died on me, Lloyd. You died. And then..." he shook his head, a choking chuckle leaving his throat. "Then you come back, just like that. I saw you and I—I didn't recognize you at all, but when I did, I was so happy. I was so surprised and relieved—" he cut himself off, turning his face away. He couldn't finish, not with breaking down, Lloyd knew. But he didn't need to finish. Lloyd knew what happened next.
"You want something from me I can't give you, Genis." Lloyd spoke quietly, his deep voice calm. He paused, watching the effort Genis was giving in controlling his emotions.
"Oh yeah?" Bitterness lacing the words. "And what exactly do I want?"
"Lloyd Irving."
Genis snapped his eyes onto him, hot rage flashing through them. His knuckles white and body stiff.
"Lloyd Irving did die that day—"
"If he died then who the hell are you?"
"Someone else." Lloyd turned his face down, closing his eyes. "Both of us know I am no longer the same person."
Genis immediately scowled. "That doesn't mean you died!"
"I can't go back to being Lloyd Irving, Genis!" Lloyd countered curtly. "He's gone."
"Then why does Colette defend you? Why the hell does she trust you?" Genis shouted at him. "Why would the others trust you?"
Lloyd frowned. "They don't trust me."
"Colette does," he retorted flatly.
Again, it returned to Colette. "I can't answer that for her. That's something you should ask—"
"I did ask her. And she said it was because you are our friend. Because you are Lloyd. She wouldn't say that if it wasn't true."
"Wouldn't she?" Lloyd replied.
"She wouldn't lie to me about that," he repeated stubbornly.
Lloyd said nothing. The conversation was turning ugly and he didn't want Colette being dragged into this argument. Genis folded his arms, a smug and irritated look on his face. If Genis believed Lloyd's silence to be a submission, then Lloyd would let him believe that. The last thing he wanted was to become entangled into another heated argument. He came out here to give Genis an opportunity to understand, not fight.
"Did you have any other questions?" he said it with a hint of exasperation, hoping Genis would understand he wouldn't put up with another bickering match.
The younger half-elf seemed to catch it and sobered. He remained quiet for another minute, shivering from the cold before he locked eyes with Lloyd. "Why did you try to take Colette?"
A cold memory pricked at the back of Lloyd's mind and he pushed it away. "I thought it was clear I didn't."
"I'm not asking if you did or not. I'm asking why you came to do it in the first place. And don't you dare shoved it aside. If I want anything answered, it's this." Genis immediately demanded, perhaps a bit defensive.
Of all the questions Genis could have asked, why that one...
"I don't care about the whereabouts of those other inferior beings! I want the Chosen from Sylvarant!"
Lloyd watched silently as Pronyma cringed under their leader's anger. He held no sympathy for her, in fact, as far as Lloyd was concerned, the simple-minded half-elf deserved what she received.
Pronyma had always been a poor excuse for a Desian; never mind a leader. A few years ago Yuan had, quite disgustedly, explained how the woman managed to sneak her way into the position. 'Too young and too ambitious' was what Yuan had said. She didn't know to handle her position anymore than a child attempting to handle a sword. Sure, Pronyma could swing her power around wildly, but it was awkward, did unpredictable damage and left the wielder completely vulnerable. Lloyd always wondered why Yggdrasill would bother keeping such a failure in control.
"My Lord," Pronyma desperately pleaded—whined, in Lloyd's opinion. "We can't seem to keep the Chosen in our sights. Small parties seem to disappeared and later found slaughtered and any large party attracts the Renegades' attention—"
"I did not ask you for excuses, Pronyma," Yggdrasill hissed, his irritation with her increasing with every second.
"But my Lord—"
Yggdrasill backhanded her, cutting off any more feeble excuses. She should have just shut her mouth after the first warning, Lloyd thought.
The woman held her swollen cheek, fear and stunned surprise on her face. Lloyd figured that was her greatest strength with Yggdrasill, her utter respect and fear for the man. She truly believed and drank in every word that left his mouth. She was his perfect disciple.
Kratos stood a few feet from Yggdrasill, watching the display with little interest. Yuan was closer to Lloyd and the satisfied smirk on his lips was obvious. The Renegade Leader was undeniably enjoying the show. He never had really liked Pronyma.
"Years! How could you not find one human girl in seven years?"
Pronyma began to stutter an answer, but Yggdrasill turned from her, looking to Kratos. "This is ridiculous. Have you had any luck at all, Kratos?"
Lloyd turned his eyes onto his father and the elder man lifted his shoulders in a lazy shrug, eyes closing with short shake. "She covers her tracks well, Lord Yggdrasill. However, the reports on the new Chosen are satisfying. She has begun her first year of teaching under the Church."
"At least that is some better news." Yggdrasill's earlier spurt of rage seemed to have faded with Kratos' calmer tone. It was always odd to Lloyd how Kratos could affect the other's mood so easily.
Yuan wouldn't bother offering his own two cents and Yggdrasill didn't bother asking. It was another odd relationship that Lloyd had become used to over the years. Yuan's often curt, callous attitude never seemed to offend Yggdrasill. Lloyd suspected it had something to do with their past; however, all he was ever told about it was that they had all been companions. It wasn't a subject lightly discussed around him.
"If she is still alive, I want her found. That Chosen was the closest we've ever had in matching with Martel." Yggdrasill suddenly continued. "We can't afford to lose her."
"Aren't you forgetting that the land of Sylvarant will perish if mana isn't steadily brought back to it?" Yuan interjected with the bitterness he always had during these conversations.
"Yes, course. But we can change the flow easy enough without the formal ritual, if need be. I'm more interested in having her brought to Derris Kharlan, undamaged."
"She's too unpredictable to follow," Yuan pressed.
Lloyd looked at him oddly for taking a sudden interest in this.
"And what are you suggesting exactly?" Yggdrasill turned his attention on him, irritated yet interested.
"Send someone who is able to."
Immediately the room fell silent and Lloyd felt all eyes fall on him. He glanced at Yuan, but for once found the half-elf betraying nothing of his thoughts. Kratos was much the same, his expression impassive and hard.
"Do you think me a fool, Yuan?" Yggdrasill snapped his eyes back to the half-elf with a scowl.
"Perhaps, if you have never considered the idea before this." Yuan shrugged, nonchalant.
Yggdrasill narrowed his eyes, but glanced back at Lloyd, scanning him, before speaking to Yuan. "You think he can handle it?"
"Why don't you ask him?"
The silence fell again and Lloyd refrained from glaring at Yuan for bringing Yggdrasill's attention onto him. He always learned it was better to remain in the shadows unless it was necessary and up until now it had never been.
"Lloyd Aurion."
"Yes, Lord Yggdrasill." His irritation at Yuan faded, placing his attention solely on Yggdrasill.
"Do you think you could locate the Chosen?"
Lloyd paused, considering his question. The Chosen of Sylvarant, Colette Brunel. A fairly gullible, naive girl. Overly optimistic, along with an overly kind personality. Clumsy, if he recalled. Though often her clumsiness was blessed—Unimportant. The Chosen would most likely linger around the towns in a pattern, circling the world. She would most likely still have contact with her companions and would seek them out periodically. Once he located a witness sighting her, it wouldn't take long to determine which route she chose—
"Lloyd?" Yggdrasill's impatience cut him off.
"Yes, I believe I could to try."
Lloyd would have assumed his answer would please Yggdrasill, however the half-elf only narrowed his eyes.
"Good. Now then, you will find the Chosen, Colette Brunel, and bring her to Derris Kharlan alive. Understood."
Lloyd listened to the order then nodded without hesitation. "Yes, Lord Yggdrasill."
The smile Lloyd had been expecting appeared and Yggdrasill nodded appraisingly. "Excellent. Your aid in this will help us reach our goal to resurrect Martel and restore the worlds. When can you leave?"
"Immediately, if you desire, Lord Yggdrasill."
"Excellent," he repeated. "Kratos help your son prepare for his departure and let him know where the Chosen was last spotted." He dismissed them both.
Kratos nodded and followed Lloyd to his room. "Lloyd—"
"The Chosen was last seen in Palmacosta and later in Izoold, am I correct? I suppose it would be wise to begin on that continent."
"Lloyd, why did you agree to this?"
The abrupt question had been expected. Truthfully, Lloyd, himself, had been a slightly surprised by Yggdrasill's offer, but he understood the reasoning and desperation behind the offer.
"I didn't agree. Lord Yggdrasill gave me an order to retrieve the Chosen." Lloyd looked at his father solidly.
"You could have refused."
"What would be the benefit behind that?"
Kratos frowned and stepped further into the room, rubbing his jaw absently. Something he did when he was frustrated. "Perhaps because the Chosen is Colette Brunel."
"I'm aware of that."
"And that doesn't bother you? The fact that you are fetching her to bring her back to the situation you originally saved her from?"
Lloyd paused, his father's words sinking in slightly. It was true. He had rescued Colette from her fate years ago. However, back then, he had never sat down and considered the consequences for his actions. He never had a plan of what he planned to accomplish by doing that. Of course, he had claimed he'd find another way, but that way had never presented itself, even after spending years with nothing to do but think. Now, seven years later, nothing had changed. Still, did the fact of retrieving her bother him? Colette had been his childhood friend and there had been an inkling of something more if given the chance—which they never got—and he would admit that even now, he recalled something of a fondness for the young girl.
But the years blended to together on his comet as did the memories. Many memories he had locked away, trying to ease some of the pain they gave him and they were nothing more than that. A memory, a moment in time. Faces blurred, voices muffled and whispers and the very essence of the memory sealed off, because it was that essence that stung the most. He couldn't recall when he had filed away his 'friends'. Each one just another listing for him to recall should the need arise, but only as a fact, not a personal connection.
However, it wouldn't be difficult to restore those memories, if he ever dared—which he wouldn't—and suddenly despise himself for agreeing to such a mission. Still, the fact was, it wasn't Lloyd's choice. It was Yggdrasill's. He had been ordered and it was expected of him to complete that order, if not fully, then to the best of his abilities. Failure or refusal wasn't an option. Yggdrasill received what he wanted. Pronyma failed at that. Lloyd was positive he wouldn't. Failure just wasn't an option.
"Lloyd?" Kratos' hand caught his shoulder.
Lloyd realized suddenly that as he had been summarizing his response to Kratos' question, he had been gathering his belongings and was now facing the door, prepared to leave. His father's concern and anxiety was heartfelt and Lloyd couldn't help but give him a reassuring, yet weak, smile.
"I can accomplish this mission, Dad."
It wasn't the answer his father was looking for, but it was the answer Lloyd gave.
"Lloyd?"
It took him a moment to refocus on Genis, absently wondering how long he had been lost in thought with the memory.
"It had been an order."
His sudden answer seemed to catch Genis off guard, but his anger quickly resurfaced. "An order? What do you mean an order?"
"After a series of unsuccessful results Yggdrasill believed I would be able to handle it."
"What so you just agreed to it?" Genis' outrage was peaking, but Lloyd was going to be honest.
"More or less."
"What the hell does that mean? More or less? Either you did or you didn't!"
"Then I did."
The wind seemed to match Genis' fury and Lloyd wondered if perhaps he was attempting a spell. However, there was no mana movement in the air and Lloyd relaxed, accepting the disgust thrown his way. It matched his own.
"I can't believe this! I can't believe that you would actually agree to-to—" Genis cut off and snapped his head in his direction. "Why?"
"Why?"
"Why did you agree?"
Immediately Lloyd threw up the protective walls, blocking out any emotions that would reveal anything. It wasn't intended, but more reflexive and he struggled with it, eyeing Genis' own conflicting emotions, blatantly visible on his face. He said he would answer, but to some degree. This was something Lloyd had never anticipated from Genis.
"As I said, it was an order—"
"I don't buy that crap. What's the real reason?" Genis stood stiffly, indifferent to the stinging rain and snapping wind. His stubbornness both impressed and irritated Lloyd, but he supposed he gave Genis much the same reaction.
"Over the years, I had...forgotten." Lloyd couldn't prevent the slight hesitation, the evident shame lacing it. It was true. "I had forgotten. I had forgotten what was really important to me. Who was important to me."
Lloyd was sure there had been a tremble in his voice when he finally admitted this and perhaps that is only what Genis heard. The anger seemed to fade slightly, the disgust withering away and what Lloyd saw remained, made him turn away. Sympathy. Pity, the very thing he detested the most. It made him feel helpless as if what he had done had never truly been in his power. That he had just been slid into position, his strings pulled by a puppet master.
He was very well aware this was all true; however, Lloyd would much rather deny that, knowing that at least to some degree, he did have a decision in the string of events and he simply hadn't chosen the morally correct one.
"I am sorry."
Lloyd lifted his gaze back to Genis, finding the half-elf had moved closer.
Lloyd turned from him and walked away. The conversation was over. Genis didn't call out for him. Perhaps, Lloyd thought, he felt as torn by the three words as Lloyd was. Or perhaps not. Either way, Lloyd couldn't face him anymore and walked into the cover of the forest.
The drizzle gave way to a steady rain, the tiny drops thunderous as they struck and rustled the thousands of leaves about him upon entering the forest. His face was wet and his eyes blank. The underbrush and vegetation slapped against his sodden legs, his pants swishing adding to the calamity of noises around him. It drove away his thoughts, leaving nothing but the endless noise.
He wasn't sure when he stopped, nor when he sat at the base of a trunk, arms propped limply upon his knees, staring out into the forest. A thick, wet mist slipped through the trees like snakes. It rose and fell as if it breathed with the forest. Tendrils curled around the sodden trunks, white and hazy.
There wasn't an escape from it, from its clutches. It was without substance, easily penetrable. At least until you were within it. Directions are lost, decisions conflicted and a sense of security, a sense of stability and comfort and warmth and—all of it gone. Left with nothing but a fear, a need to search for a shadow, a certainty, a hope of something familiar and once it appears, rush for it, building decisions and direction based on that familiar structure. Only then is it possible to move forward, lost until the edge of the mist is reached...
And he was still trapped.
Lloyd's eyes closed, head bowed. The weight upon his shoulders of his sodden cloak, felt like the weight of his decisions pressing down on him. How could he have lost sight of everything he had been fighting for to protect?
His fist clenched, digging into his palms.
He had failed. Utterly and completely failed everyone. Himself, his friends, the world and Colette. He had driven away the pain and resulted in becoming the very creature he had despised.
'And you don't even realize that behaving like this...'
He had tried to so hard to preserve his determination, to not break and give in. He had stripped away every weakness that would topple his self-control and strengthened his resolve. Lloyd had sacrificed his very self in order to be himself.
'...you are doing exactly what you are supposed to.'
The rain had stopped, but his cheeks remained damp and he bowed his head to hide his shame. The first tremor ran through his body, a jarring shiver that made his throat ache, his eyes stinging anew. He couldn't breathe and he gave a strangled gasp. Everything had fallen apart and he was left with nothing but a broken collection of colorless memories, wandering through a mist of indecisions and despondency.
The second shudder seemed to claw at his throat. His teeth ached as he clenched them in a futile attempt to stop the second sob that broke through. He wept, choking and quiet, with the steady pattering of residual raindrops descending from the canopy, barely masking the sharp hitches of breath.
They should hate him. They should despise and hate him for how he hurt them. Betraying their trust. And he deserved it. Every glare, every harsh word and cold glance. He deserved the loathing and resentment. He deserved it from them and from himself. Everything he had stood for. Every stance, every flare determination he once had as an adolescent, would be insulted by who he had become.
His fingers dug in, arms tightening around him as if to ward off the thoughts as he struggled to breathe through the heaving sobs. It hurt to think of what he had become. Like a wedge driving into his chest, like a hand compressing his heart. It made him want to cry out in desperation. Everything he had strived to be was gone and he was left with nothing more than this empty cold soul. Nothing was left. Nothing but frayed strings, snapped under pressure. They couldn't be pulled together, there wasn't a connection, there was a gap where the tiny threads had disintegrated. They couldn't even be knotted, rather left to dangle and twist before him, like a kitten teased with yarn. He longed to grasp them, to mend everything broken inside him, but he didn't know how and he didn't know where to begin. He didn't even know if he could. But he wanted to. He wanted to. For them. For her...
He did not deserve her. Her tenderness, her optimism like a beacon in the haze. He clung to her and threatened to drag her down, even after betraying her trust, her memory, her friendship—
But she loved him. It was that he clung to. It was delicate and so fragile in his mind, yet he felt the power of it. It ensnared him in a way that both frightened and comforted, like a pair of arms encircling him from behind, holding him in place. He could neither break free, nor find the will or desire to. Lloyd had always believed he was the one tethering Colette in place, holding her against her will, that he was luring her into yet another danger. Never had he considered the possibility that he was the one trapped. He needed her, needed her touch in way that made him feel desperate, like a mutt straining at the end of a chain.
And their child.
He shuddered and lifted his head back, feeling the chilled air drying his cheeks and lashes. Salt settled in the corner of his mouth, his lips as dry as his throat. He shuddered again, his inhale a stuttering breath and he peeled his eyes open.
Their child. His child. Yet another gift he didn't deserve. Yet another hand to clutch his heart, to pull his emotions and conflict his judgments. He was not a father. He was a failed man, a creature of pain and betrayal. What could he teach his child, born with innocence untainted? What could he give that would be worthy?
He was afraid. Terrified. To hold that babe in his hands, to look down and lay claim to the tiny infant. To declare himself a father.
But he would. Just as he would claim Colette as his wife. They were his—or perhaps he was theirs—and the shadow of Cruxis would rise behind him and Lloyd would shield them from it. That's all there was and would be. His place between his future family and Cruxis.
He rose from the forest floor and strode through the low mist, the haze parting in violent swirls around him.
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