Chapter 21

Legolas and Tauriel finally came back on a horse. They rode to Dale and almost smashed into Gandalf. Fortunately, he was a wizard so they ended up crashing into a building instead. The weakened structure crumbled, killing all inside.

"Whatever." Legolas backflipped off the horse.

"Bolg is leading a second army from Gundabad!" Tauriel reported, but Legolas smacked her upside the head.

"Shut up, Tauriel!" He turned to Gandalf. "Bolg is leading a second army from Gundabad! They are almost upon us."

The gray wizard made a "pffffft" sound for like two and a half hours. "Classic move," he scoffed once he was done. "Distract all the forces here, then sweep in from the north and crush the remaining forces. It'll probably work, though."

"Hey, don't support the other side!" Legolas huffed.

"The north? But Fili, Kili, Thorin, and Dwalin are headed there!" Bilbo exclaimed.

"Yeah, they are."

Five minutes of total silence ensued.

"We should probably do something about that," Gandalf said eventually.

"I'll go and warn them," Bilbo volunteered.

"No, you will not." Gandalf smacked the hobbit on the head with his staff hard enough to give him a sizable bruise. "Okay, now you may go."

"What the HELL was that for?"

The wizard ignored him, crossing something off a list.

Bilbo sighed and left.

-In Another Part of Dale-

"Hey, guys, let's take five!" Thranduil called to his soldiers. By 'five' he meant years, but no one else needed to know that.

Before they could leave, however, Tauriel jumped in front of them. "You will go no further!"

Thranduil took a sassy step forward. All the elves behind him went, "OHHHHHHHHH!"

"The dwarves will die! Kili will never get to use those coupons I gave him!" Tauriel exclaimed.

Throndeol shrugged, sipping from a margarita. "idgaf."

Angrily, the red-headed elf drew her bow, aiming an arrow directly at the elf king's face. "You think your life is worth more than their's when there is no swag in it?" She narrowed her eyes. "There. Is. No. Swag."

"Preach it gurl!" Kili yelled from the mountains.

Thranduil took her bow and broke it over his knee with his giant man muscles. "Swag is for the weak," he growled. "Now get out of my way or I'll cut your balls off."

Legolas flipped fifteen consecutive times without touching the ground before jumping in between Thranduil and Tauriel. "Wait, no! Who will I bitch about if she is dead?"

"I knew you would come to my rescue!" Tauriel exclaimed, crying tears of emotion.

The blond punched her in the face. "Shut up, Tauriel!"

-Ravenhill-

Dwalin, Thorin, Fili, and Kili had just reached the top of Ravenhill. They'd ridden on a bunch of giant goats after Thorin accidentally crashed the Erebor-bot into the side of the mountain. They would have arrived sooner but had to stop for a while as the goats stood on 90 degree slopes to lick the salt deposits and satisfy their craving of the mineral.

"WHERE'S THE ALCOHOL?" Dwalin screamed, surprising no one.

"And where's Azog?" Thorin added. "I saw that bastard up here a few minutes ago."

Kili took a poorly-timed selfie. "Me and big bro will go check it out, gurl!" He and Fili left.

"I guess it's just you and me." Thorin turned to Dwalin. The two dwarves shared a long moment of erotic staring, at least until Dwalin smashed a beer bottle over his forehead, literally shattering the sexual tension.

There was also the fact that goblin mercenaries began to swarm the area. Thorin drew his sword.

"Time to die, asshats!"

-Down on the battlefield-

"TIME TO DIE, ASSHATS!" Ori yelled, decapitating several orcs. He leaped over a giant troll, spun his sword in midair, and drove it through the beast's spinal cord. Without pausing, the dwarf did seventy consecutive backflips before landing on a goblin's face and breaking his neck.

Then he woke up from the concussion-induced dream he'd been in after tripping and falling during the initial battle charge. Ori pushed himself up. "TIME TO DIE, ASSH—" A dwarf stepped on his head, pushing him back down.

Meanwhile, Bifur had drank some severely expired milk, causing him to grow twelve extra arms. He had armed himself with fifteen axes (counting the one in his head) and had killed about half of the enemies so far. Bombur had eaten another 25%. Gloin was taking an origami seminar.

-Back on Ravenhill-

Kili and Fili snuck around Ravenhill, humming the Mission Impossible theme. Kili did a forward roll, then immediately paused to fix his hair.

"Dammit! I forgot my curling iron! Imma go get it real quick," the archer ran back the way they came.

Fili shrugged, braiding his hair.

Back with Thorin and Dwalin, Bilbo had magically appeared after he took his ring off. Neither of the dwarves questioned this because of Peter Jackson.

"We have to get out of here!" Bilbo exclaimed. "Another army is coming from the north!"

"Ha! North, schlorth," Dwalin scoffed. "We can take them."

"But there's four of you, and like hundreds of orcs."

"Ha! Orcs, schlorcs," the bald dwarf scoffed once more. "They bleed easily as any other creature."

"…But they can still stab you in the face."

"Ha! Face, schlace—"

"Bilbo is right," Thorin broke in before Bilbo could disembowel Dwalin's head with his sword. "We'll live to fight another day."

"Bitch I might be!" Azog announced from a platform above them. He was dragging a bloodied and half-conscious Fili by his magnificantelecelrycantelerey i forgot how to spell magnificently braided hair. "This one dies first! Then the other one, and then you, Oakenshield!"

"But how can you be sure it'll go that way?" Thorin asked. "Fili could escape, or I could die before Kili."

Azog rubbed the space in front of his chin where a beard would go if he had one. "That's a good point."

"Mathematically there's six possible combinations in which we could be killed."

"And what constitutes as a death?" Bilbo added. "Is it when the heart stops beating, or when the brain no longer functions? Or are we talking about complete and utter destruction of the soul?"

"Is there such a thing as a soul?" Azog wondered aloud.

Several things happened at once. Thorin took out a bow from…his ass, idk, and shot Azog in the face. Bilbo sneezed. The pale orc dropped Fili, who tripped and fell over the ledge. And Kili finally spotted his curling iron and ran to go get it. Dwalin had long since left to get drunk…er.

Unfortunately for Kili, several orcs tried to stop him as he ran to get his curling iron. He killed them all with his extra curling iron, then stared at it for a solid fifteen minutes. "Huh."

Tauriel ran over to him, holding yet another curling iron. "Everyone needs a backup!"

"Thanks, gurl!"

There was a long moment of heteroerotic staring, then Bolg jumped in as well and ruined the moment.

"I am currently here at this moment in time!" the orc announced, brandishing his war hammer threateningly.

Tauriel and Kili both brandished their curling irons. "Fight me!"

In another part of the area, Legolas was hanging upside down from a giant bat. He reached into his quiver to extract an arrow so he could kill the bat, then realized all of his arrows had fallen out because that's literally how gravity works. The bat was a good seventeen stories into the air at this point, and showed no signs of stopping.

"Oh my god."

Like...how did the arrows not fall out in the movie? Anyway, I'd say we have a couple more chapters to go before this thing is done. And I will have actually completed a fanfic for the first time in my life.

I also changed my pen name to be more amazing!

Leave a comment letting me know what you think, and who you think will live/die by the end of this thing! Until next time~