You Really Got A Hold On Me

"I don't want you, but I need you.
Don't want to kiss you, but I need you.
Oh, oh, oh,
you do me wrong now.
My love is strong now.
You've really got a hold on me.
You've really got a hold on me, baby."

Smokey Robinson and The Miracles

Ed dragged himself to work the next day and didn't even bother going to his desk first. He went right for Van Buren's office. She looked up at him as he shut the door, gave him a look and a disbelieving smile. "Tell me why I shouldn't suspend you right here."

"You probably should." He sat across from her. "But just so you know, that was it. That was the last time I-"

"Right, right. The last time." She sat back in her chair. "And I should believe you? Green, not only did you not show, but you didn't even call. You didn't call me and at the very least, out of respect, you should have called your partner!"

"I know, I know. Look, suspend me. Go ahead. I deserve it."

"Yea, you do. Go see your partner, apologize to her, then take the week off. When you come back, you'll be on your very last string. Not just with me, but with this city as well, you hear?"

He nodded, then stood and left her office. He walked over to Nina, who was just arriving. "Hey."

She turned around and rolled her eyes at him. "Green," she said coolly.

"I'm sorry, Nina."

She turned back to him and glanced him over. "Kinda thought you were dead. Then I got in touch with your buddy Goren over at MCS and he said you were alive as far as he knew."

"I'm sorry," he repeated. "I'd rather not say what happened, but I will if you ask."

"Forget it. What'd the Lieu say?"

"Week suspension."

"Well, have fun. Thanks to you, that puts me with Connery all week. You're buying me a big drink this weekend, you realize that?"

"I do." He cleaned up his desk some, and took a stack of papers home that needed to be organized. When he got home, he cleaned the apartment from top to bottom. In the process, he found all the small things that Olivia had left behind and threw them into a box. Then in another box he packed up all the reminders, and put that box in his closet. He wasn't ready to lose his job. Before they started sleeping together again, he was really improving. And at one point he was even starting to get over it all. It was time to pick up where he left off.

He was cleaning the refrigerator when he heard his cell phone faintly ringing. He ignored it and kept cleaning. After a few minutes, the house line rang. He let the machine pick up. BEEP. "Hey, uh, Ed." It was Liv. "I tried you at work and Nina said you were on suspension? I'm...sorry. I know I haven't helped matters...anyway, I was just checking on you-" He wiped his hands and grabbed the phone.

"How am I supposed to let you go if you keep contacting me?" He asked into the phone.

"I know. I'm sorry. I...I want to talk. Tonight. Somewhere public and neutral, forgetting everything that's been going on this past month. I think we owe it to what...to have one civil conversation that isn't going to lead to the bedroom or a fight"

"I guess you're right," he said. "How about you give me a call when you leave work and we'll meet?"

"Okay. Thank you, Ed."

"Yea," he sighed, loosing his desire to clean anymore.

He sat in the booth of the diner and looked over the menu. He didn't really want to eat anything. The waitress reappeared. Bobby's favorite, Julia. He'd already sent her away twice, having been waiting for thirty minutes. "I'll take more coffee," he told her.

"Sure you don't want to go ahead and order?" She asked, a wise smile on her lips. He gave her a narrowed look.

"I'm not being stood up, she'll be here." Just as he said that, Olivia came rushing over.

"Sorry, sorry," she said sitting across from him. "The Cap caught me on the way out the door." She glanced at Julia. "Coffee, please." The waitress nodded and walked off, penciling it in. Olivia looked at Ed. "How are you?"

"Well, I'm single, on suspension, and already cleaned the entire apartment; so the rest of my week will be very boring...but great otherwise," he added sarcastically.

She studied him and didn't say anything. She waited until her coffee was brought over, and took a sip of it then set it down. "I'm good, thanks for asking." He shrugged and she looked away for a few minutes, then looked back. "I know that we screwed up trying to be friends...but...can't we just be civil? You hurt me, I hurt you, neither of us are in the clear. No point in hating each other for it." He nodded, but didn't reply. "How's it going with Skoda?"

"Fine," he answered, and left it at that.

"How's Bobby?"

"Haven't seen him much lately," he said. They sat quietly for a long time. "What is it you wanted to talk about? You waiting for me to ask you back again? To start another fight? What?"

"I just wanted to see you," she replied. "I wanted you to listen to me for once," she held up a hand as he tried to protest. "What I mean is, I want to talk without us being distracted physically."

He smiled finally. "You know when it comes to us, we'll always be distracted physically."

She smiled at that. "That's not the point. You're...you are..."

"Wonderful? Incredible? Flawed but lovable?" He asked charmingly.

"No," she said in a small voice. She glanced at him. "You're you. You will always be you, no matter what words you use. No matter how long you get therapy, you'll always be you. You will always have the ability to shatter me. No one has ever had that power, Ed. I made sure of it a long time ago, and I don't trust you with it. That is why you and I...because I have to protect myself at all costs, no matter how much I lo-...care for you. If I don't...I'll loose. I can't loose anymore."

Ed took her words in slowly. He stared at her, then took her hand over the table. "I know I deserve that. And you're right. You deserve to be happy, and that's what I want for you. More than my own happiness. You deserve happy ever after, and I can't promise you that. I won't. All I could do was try. I won't..." he nodded. "I accept that this is over. But...no one will make me feel the way you make me feel and no one...no one will love you better." Silence resumed again. He pulled back and let go of her hand. "But if we can't make it work, we can't make it work. I'm going to miss you."

"Me too," she said softly, her voice choking up a bit. "And you're right...about us being special. I'm sorry it didn't work out. I just hope you find what you need." She looked down at her barely drunken coffee. "I'll see you around, okay?" She started to stand, but leaned over the table and kissed his cheek.

"Bye Liv," he said gently. He watched her walk away and out the door, and though it hurt, he was okay.

When Olivia got home she changed for bed. She wasn't sure how she felt, but before she could evaluate it too much, there was a knock at the door. She went and opened it to find Kennedy on the other side. Neither smiled, but Kennedy held up a container.

"I made peanut butter cookies," she said.

"I hate peanut butter cookies," Olivia replied. Kennedy smiled and held out a package of Oreo's.

"Consider it a peace offering."

"I've got a fresh jug of milk," Olivia let Kennedy in and they went to the kitchen. Olivia poured two glasses of milk and Kennedy opened the cookies. Peanut butter cookies for Kennedy, Oreo's for Olivia. Not an infrequent scene. They sat at the small table with their snacks and waited. "Sorry," Olivia said first.

"Me too." They didn't have to explain themselves. "Bobby and I are far from perfect, y'know."

"I know."

"We had this major blowout last night." Before getting any pity for it, she shook her head. "It was coming. I was angry with him, but kept it quiet. He was angry. We talked things out afterwards and we're fine now. It's just...I...I don't know how you do it. There are times that I want to...strangle him. I am so irritated and...his stubbornness and detachment...apparently the same things that upset him about me."

"I believe it," Olivia joked.

"Yea, yea...but...even so, even after brief thoughts of giving up with him. I can't. To think about the possibility of going through one single day of...of him not being mine." She glanced up. "It hurts. A kind of pain that I haven't felt since...well, since my parents. And I don't know how you do it."

"It does hurt," Olivia nodded. "That's why I have to work."

"I know it's how you deal, but it's not healthy."

"It doesn't work, either. That's why lately...being with him...I know it only made a bigger mess, but it helped. If even for a brief moment, it helped."

"Don't you think that means something then?" Kennedy softly prompted.

"Yea, I need to figure out another way." They fell silent, then Olivia went back to the earlier subject. "But we talked, a real conversation, and we're done with it all. It's completely over." She focused on twisting cookies apart, but not eating them. Kennedy watched her closely.

"I'm sorry," she said.

Olivia nodded, picked up a cookie half, and ate it. "I do admire you two," she changed the subject. "You're good for each other."

"At least he is for me. We've got things to get through, but we will. He's..." she shrugged, unable to find the words.

"Crazy about you," Olivia finished with a small smile.

"You think?"

"Yea, just a bit." They both laughed, the argument completely forgotten.

Somehow Ed made it through his week. It involved a lot of television and trips to the movie theater, and much sleeping in. When Friday rolled around, at last, he was feeling refreshed and good. He had his morning visit with Skoda, then went home to clean up some more. Bobby had barely been home all week, and he and Kennedy were going to be in for dinner. The three had planned it and they were going to eat then go out to a movie. Ed was excited for once. He was in the middle of emptying the dishwasher when a knock came at the door. That puzzled him. Both Bobby and Kennedy had a key, but Kennedy still knocked for whatever reason, so he went to open the door. When he did, it was Olivia, not Kennedy. She stared at the floor, not at him, and didn't say anything.

"Liv," he said. She finally looked up.

"Can I come in?"

"Of course," he stepped back and she walked in. He shut the door behind her. They stood awkwardly in the foyer. "Do you want to go sit?"

"Yea," she nodded. They walked into the living room and sat on the couch. He just waited. Then, "My partner said something to me yesterday and...and Kennedy..." She was leaning forward with her arms on her knees, fiddling with the bracelet around her wrist. "It's..." she dropped her head and ran her hands through her hair, then propped her chin on her hand. "I don't..." She turned her face to him. "It was stupid...it always takes a bad case to get him and me fighting, before one of us says what we really think about the other...and...he said something...and I don't want it to be true."

"What'd he say?"

"He said that..." she looked down again. "That I will fight for everyone but myself. That I have given up on my own happiness. I didn't want to...in my head I laughed it off. Cause this whole time I've been telling myself I'm looking for my own happiness, looking out for myself. And last week, Kennedy said something similar...and she said some other things. I was pushing it all away...but...I woke up this morning, and all I could think about..." she met his eyes, "It's like you said...no one will love me better. I don't...I don't want to be scared and unhappy and alone."

He kept composure. "Tell me what you're saying."

"Could we really make it work?" She asked.

He breathed slowly, choosing his words, then nodded. "You and me...we'll never be done," he answered.

"And if..." She didn't know exactly what to ask.

"I'd really try this time. I swear."

"How can you promise that?"

"Cause...I love you. I am...mad and crazy in love with you. I just want to make you happy." She glanced down at the floor again, taking what he said. "Wait," he shook his head. "No, I take that back. I want me to be happy. I want to be happy and good, and the only way that will happen...the only way, is for you to be mine again. I need to be with you to be happy." He stopped. After some time, she brought her face up and put her hand on his cheek, and looked into his eyes. She ran her thumb over his face.

"I never stopped being yours," she said in a resigned sigh. "And I never will."

"So we try?" He felt a smile coming onto his lips.

"We try," she agreed, smiling. He grinned and pulled her over onto his lap, holding her face. He stared at her then he ran his fingers through her hair and pulled her in for a very soft kiss. "Mad, crazy, love, huh?" She asked, keeping her eyes locked with his.

He nodded. "Mad, crazy, love."

AN: Had to hurry up and edit/post it, we all need it :) Happy Friday.