A/N: I don't own Twilight or The Bad Mother's Handbook. Just giving Daniel the adventures that he deserves.

Thank you to Rosmarina for her beta skills and to Winterstale for pre-reading.

Chapter 25 – Butt I Didn't Shoot the Deputy

Theme Song – I Shot the Sherriff by Bob Marley

Everything happened so fast. I stood there frozen with the gun in my hand. I didn't know what to do or what had happened. I looked over at the house and saw Emmett staring out the window with a look of shock on his face. In an instant he ran outside, jumped over the porch railing, and placed his hands on Chief Swan who was writhing in pain. Bella came rushing out after him.

"Roll over, old man. Let's see what we got here."

"Shut up! I'm not that old," The chief growled. "Still young enough to kick your ass."

Bella was so worried and shocked. All I recall her saying was "Oh Daddy!" over and over through her hands.

Chief Swan turned to Bella to reassure her. "It's okay, Bells. Your old man is going to be fine," he said through gritted teeth.

"Come on…" Emmett had the chief on his side, pulled his hand away, and yanked his pants down a little. "Okaaaaay. It looks like we had a little accident here. Somehow, I think you're gonna be just fine though, Chief." As he said this, Emmett ripped off his t-shirt and pressed it to Chief Swan's bottom. His pectoral muscles were flexing and his nipples were tight from the cold.

"Fuck, twenty years in law enforcement and my first bullet is a .22 from my own fucking gun, delivered from my daughter's boyfriend. Shit!"

Emmett gave out a nervous chuckle. "Dude, it went clean through. How the hell did a .22 at that range make it out the other side?" He then looked over at me with a perplexed expression as if I had any answers. I just shrugged my shoulders. Apparently, the bullet had entered and exited the same butt cheek.

Emmett looked over at Bella, taking control of the situation. "Sweetheart, can you go get the keys to the cruiser for me?"

"Um… yeah. OK." She answered quietly and went straight into the house.

"Danny boy," he continued his instructions. "Why don't you go get your sweater on. We're gonna have to take old Chief Swan here in to the ER."

"Right!" I snapped to attention, gave a little salute, and acquired the necessary garment. After completing our necessary tasks, we met back at the police cruiser.

I looked over at Bella who was now softly crying.

"Bella, I'm…" I began to offer but I didn't know what to say. We were both in a state of shock.

"Alrighty Chief." Emmett carried Bella's father bridal-style and slowly helped him get into the back seat of the police car. He then went around and opened the door to help Bella get in front on the passenger seat. That left only the back seat next to the Chief.

A still shirtless Emmett opened the door for me, handing me his t-shirt. "Get in, bro. I need you to apply lots of firm but gentle pressure to Charlie's ass."

As I reached over to the Chief's bum, he snapped at me. "Don't touch me!" He grabbed the t-shirt and held it tight to himself.

"Yes sir." I looked straight forward at the back of Bella's head, wondering what must be going through her mind. I wanted to comfort her but we needed to help her father first. I felt so useless, wishing he would at least allow me to hold his bum.

"Feels like my ass is on fire," he growled.

I nodded in sympathy. "Yes, I get that sometimes too when my piles flare up."

He looked over at me puzzled. "How the hell does a 19 year old kid get hemorrhoids?

"Oh you know… chronic constipation, inadequate intake of fiber, the usual suspects." I paused and contemplated. "Perhaps my anal blood vessels are especially tender, but I've found that a daily regimen of roughage and brisk walks really helps."

'Huh…" he looked puzzled and started tapping the plexi glass window of the front seat.

Emmett turned around with a big smile. He had already gotten the car started. His hands were roaming around flipping switched on and off.

"Hang on dudes, just trying to figure out all these little knobs and buttons up here. Man, it's so complicated."

"Emmett, you can't just drive a police car. It's illegal!"

"Well, now Chief… you know what a law abiding citizen I am and how I would hate to speed down the road in a cop car with the full lights and sirens and shit, so if you would prefer we can all cram into Bella's bug. You know that piece of shit you bought from Billi Black?" Emmett looked over at Bella. "Let's see. We can leave your father here while I fiddle with the battery cables, the three of us push start it, drive back, plop the back seat back down, stuff your dad and Daniel in the back and be on our merry way-"

"Oh just shut up and drive!" Chief Swan had become impatient.

Emmett turned back towards Bella's father. "Are you sure, Chief? We could just chance it at home like in the wild west and just poor whisky over the wound or in your case, some Vitamin R."

Chief Swan sat back and groaned. After looking at the blood on his hand, he passed out.

Cowboy up, Daniel.

I reached over and placed my hand under his bum and held it firmly, just like Emmett had instructed.

Next thing I knew, we were speeding down Highway 101 with the flashing lights and sirens on and another police car right behind us.

When we got out at the hospital a lady office got out of the car that was following us.

"Hey Leah!" Emmett held up his hand as he was opening the Chief's door. He proceeded to pick up Chief Swan and carry him into the emergency room.

Bella and I followed right behind. I placed my clean hand on her shoulder as we walked in. Once the nurses took over Chief Swan's care, we all stepped back out into the hallway.

"McCarty, what the hell is going on here?" the lady police officer came up and asked.

"Um, well you see Daniel here shot Charlie." I held up my bloody hand and gave a little wave.

Dr. Cullen then quickly appeared through the double doors. "Alright kids. Well," he smacked his hands together. "We have our best people working on Charlie so why don't you guys go chillax in the waiting room. There's coffee and magazines and even a puzzle."

Oooh a puzzle! That sounded like just the thing to get my mind off of what had just happened.

As Bella and Emmett made their way to the waiting room, I walked around the corner to wash my hands. I heard boots behind me.

"Not so fast," said the lady officer.

"Yes? Can I help you…" I pushed my glasses up my nose and bent down as I looked at her name tag, situated right above her left breast. "…Officer Clearwater?"

"I think you need to come with me kid. I'm afraid you are under arrest."

"But…" was all I got out before she pulled my arms behind my back and handcuffed me. It was my greatest fantasy and nightmare all wrapped up into one. As we walked out to her police car I started to stumble. Apparently she took that for resisting arrest because she began to lecture me and read my rights as she bent me over the trunk of the car and palpated my buttocks and groin.

"Do you have any weapons or drugs on you?"

"N-No officer. I assure you I do not." I said as she drove her hand deep into my front pocket. She brushed my left nut.

"I feel something hard in here…"

"Oh wait - " I choked out as she pulled out my coin purse and credit card-size multi-tool that I always keep on hand for emergencies. It had many functions for a college student: bottle opener, screwdriver, ruler, etc. It certainly didn't seem like a weapon to me.

Officer Clearwater glared at me.

"But - "

"Can it kid. You got anything else?"

I shook my head no.

"Are you smuggling anything in your colon?"

"Heavens no!"

"So you didn't stuff anything in your butt?"

"Uh… well, not recently." I looked at the ground and bit my lip.

Officer Clearwater opened the door and pushed my head down. "OK, get in the car, kiddo. Until we get this all sorted out, you'll be spending some time in the Forks jail. We can't have attempted murderers walking the streets of our quiet little town, now can we?"

That sounded reasonable. "I suppose not," I mumbled.

O~O

After having my handcuffs removed, I was lead into a room with a telephone, just like on the telly. I immediately moved my stiff shoulders about and rubbed my wrists. They really should line those with soft fur to protect the skin. Brilliant idea, Daniel! I'll bet that no one has ever thought of that.

I slowly picked up the phone and dialed. I looked over at Officer Clearwater watching me so I knew I would have no privacy. I got Emmett's voicemail. "Hey, mate. I'm sorry to disturb you, but I'm in the Forks jail at the moment. Um… I don't know what to do. Could you please tell Chief Swan that I sincerely apologize and that it was an accident and let Bella know that I love her and I completely understand if she wants to break up with me?" At this point I started to cry. "Thank you…" I mumbled, feeling completely hopeless.

Before putting me in lockup, the police lady handed me a roll of toilet tissue and allowed me a moment to pull it together. "Look kiddo, you don't want to be behind bars crying. These guys will eat you alive!"

I nodded and thanked her.

My jail cell was comprised of two sets of bunk beds with a toilet and sink between them. Once I got my bearings I looked over to see a bloke and a very muscular woman playing cards on the bottom bunk on the right side and a man passed out on the bottom bunk on the left.

"Well, well, well… what do we have here?" A very large man stood up and walked over to me. He circled around me to size me up. "My name's Tiny, but you can call me Mr. Tiny. I'm in charge in here."

I gulped. "But I thought Officer Clearwater was in charge?" I asked.

The woman left sitting on the bunk started to laugh.

"Shut up Wayne." Wayne? What kind of name is Wayne for a lady?

Wayne immediately stopped laughing.

Mr. Tiny turned back to me. "Behind these bars, I'm in charge."

I slowly nodded my head in understanding.

He then walked behind me and began running his hands up and down my biceps and sniffing my shoulders. "That's a mighty nice sweater you've got there. I like the pretty colors."

I immediately stiffened. (My back, not my penis.) I was terrified at both the prospect of having to become this man's "special jail friend" and losing my precious sweater. "Thank you," I replied, hoping that my good manners would get me out of any potential altercations.

"And you smell real good too."

"Oh, thank you. Well, you see I shower every day with lemon verbena soap. My girlfriend likes the smell." OK, now that he knows I don't swing that way, I'm sure he will go back to playing cards with his muscular lady friend. A polite hint is probably all it takes to let him know that I'm off the market, so to speak. "Don't be so paranoid, Danny Boy!" I could hear Emmett's soothing baritone voice whisper in my ear.

"Well ain't that nice. I want it. It feels all nice and soft, and it smells so fresh."

I liked my jumper. In fact, I loved it. Not, however, more than my anal virginity. So I removed my precious jumper, hand-knitted by Nan, and hoped that this diplomatic gift would get me out of a potentially sticky situation. I reckoned she would have been OK with that. All I had on was my "Double Rainbow All The Way" t-shirt.

Mr. Tiny started giggling and rubbing his face all over it as soon as I handed it to him. "This will make a great pillow!" He walked over to his bunk and kicked off Wayne so that he could lay down. Wayne climbed up to her bunk and started shuffling her cards.

"So, rainbow boy, what are you in for?" Mr. Tiny asked as he got comfortable.

"Uh…" I was so embarrassed. "I shot Chief Swan."

"What did you just say?" Wayne asked.

"I shot the police chief, in the back." God, I'm such a tosser.

"No way!" scoffed.

"Hey Leah!" Wayne yelled to Officer Clearwater at her desk through the swinging doors. "Is cream puff here telling the truth?"

"Yep! Charlie's in the ER as we speak," she replied.

"Holy shit!" Wayne leaned over the bunk to face Mr. Tiny. I could just hear her whisper to his bunk mate. "Give psycho-boy back his sweater, dude."

My. Tiny got up. Shook out my sweater and handed it back to me.

"I uh… I was just kidding, you know. And I… um… had a stiff neck but it's better now so here you go, bro."

"Thanks, mate." Yay! I got my favorite jumper back! Good manners save the day again!

"So now that you've been properly hazed, why don't you pick a bed. You want mine?"

"Oh," I chuckled. "No need for that. I'm not fussy. Besides, I like to be on top. I'll just settle in over here above this sleeping man."

"That's Lenny," Wayne announced.

I looked over at the snoring body. "Nice to meet you Lenny," I joked.

After spreading my scratchy blanket over my plastic mattress, I glanced at the toilet. I could feel a certain fullness in my bum. I really would like to sit down and have a peaceful, private bowel movement. I shook that thought out of my head and clenched my buttocks.

Looking back over at Mr. Tiny. Poor geezer looked so anxious.

"Are you alright, mate? You look a bit nervous and uncomfortable." He rubbed the back of his neck.

"Is it your neck? Still bothering you?"

"Yeah, no big deal." Mr. Tiny waved me off.

I decided to offer up a solution to make us all more comfortable.

"Well let's sit in the middle and make a massage circle, shall we?"

The guys were hesitant for some reason.

"Come on guys. We might as well make our stay here as pleasant as possible," I encouraged.

Wayne smiled at me nervously and slid down from her bunk, accidentally kicking Mr. Tiny in the shin as she did so.

"OK, yeah, sure," he coughed.

The three of us made more of a triangle than a circle. We needed one more to make a proper massage circle.

Wayne called over to the sleeping fellow, "Hey Lenny, wake up and get over here."

Lenny sat down behind Mr. Tiny while I massaged Wayne's neck.

Nobody knew what to do so I had to take charge. I figured that these partner-enhanced relaxation techniques might help these potential gentleman in working out some of their emotional issues. "OK, guys, let's start with the shoulders. It's important to get those foundation muscles loosened up before really working those long hard neck muscles. Don't be afraid to sink in deep now! Most men don't know it, but they really do like it deep and thorough. Some blokes even like it a little rough."

Soon, we were all in our happy circle, groaning with pleasure.

"So… Um, Miss Wayne? What's a nice lady like you doing in a place like this?" I used a lame pick-up line to break the ice and get a dialogue started.

"I ain't no lady. I just happen to like the feel of sexy woman's clothing, wigs and high heels," Wayne huffed.

Mr. Tiny joined in. "Yeah, he's been like that forever. Hey Wayne, remember back in 11th when I was picking on you and you beat the shit out of me?" Mr. Tiny and Wayne both chuckled and Lenny joined in. Their laughing was infectious.

"Well I suppose he shut you up then?" I inquired.

"Nope, it took a few more fights but I have to say, nobody fucks with Wayne anymore. He fights like a woman when he's in his lady get-up. And when I say like a woman, I mean all-out nasty. He ain't above going for the junk and using his press-on nails on another dude."

I shuddered at the thought of Wayne using those "large talons" in a physical altercation. They looked lethal but they sure felt good during back scratch time.

During our group massage session, I found out that Mr. Tiny, Wayne, and Lenny were all "frequent fliers" of the Forks jail. This week, Mr. Tiny and Wayne were hauled in by Leah for fighting over a $10 pull-tab. Whenever Lenny got drunk, his wife would kick him out of the house so he liked to walk down to the station to sleep in a jail cell. Once I got to know them, they were all really nice fellows. They even offered me first pick of the available frozen entrees that were served for dinner. However, being that Wane was in his womanly attire, I still felt the need to be a gentleman and treat him like a proper lady, so I insisted that he choose first. He went straight for the chicken nuggets. Still, I got my favorite: Salisbury steak with a blueberry compote.

After a good meal and relaxed neck and shoulder muscles, I was ready to get some sleep. At first it was hard to get comfortable under my blanket and I missed having sheets, but none of that mattered when I remembered why I was there in the first place. I knew the Chief would be OK. My extensive anatomical studies of the muscles, nerves and circulatory system of the female buttocks told me that there were no major blood vessels where the bullet went in since it was so close to the surface. Thus, with modern medical intervention, I knew he would be alright as long as he didn't succumb to a nosocomial infection like MRSA or some sort of flesh eating fasciitis. However, questions were racing through my mind: How long would I be in jail? Would I be deported upon release? Most importantly, would Bella ever forgive me? The thought of losing Bella made my bowels feel loose. So I kept clenching my sphincter throughout the night to try and avoid having to so a 'sit-down' in front of the guys. I had hoped that someone else would have to go first.

"Hey Lenny," I leaned over and asked in a whisper. "How long do most people stay here?"

"Well, we usually come in sometime on Friday evening and go home on Saturday or Sunday, so we can get back to work by Monday. I hate to say it, but you're fucked man. Sorry. None of us ever done nothin' as bad as shooting an officer of the law."

I'm fucked.

What I would give to have my best mate Emmett lying beneath me.

What I would give to feel Bella beside me all soft and warm and loving. Not minding at all my erection throbbing and probing between her butt cheeks with my hand kneading her soft globes in my sleep.

I groaned and laid back down with a sigh.

A/N: Thank you guys so much for reading and reviewing! I really appreciate your understanding. I'm a little behind on the reviews but I will get to them all.

As a bonus, everyone who leaves a review will get a nudie pic of Daniel. That's right, pervs! One of six exclusive, genuine manips made with my mad skills and never before seen by anyone other than myself, Rosalie, or Daniel. One pic was already leaked on Facebook and Twitter, and its a hot one.

All you need to do is review and I will send you the blog link and password in my reply. :-D

O~O

Lately, I've been on a "Pioneer Porn" kick...

A Handsome Woman by Viola Cornuta and Winterstale (Judges Choice WINNER in the Curvy and Bodacious Contest)

In Your World by solostintwilight

Mail Order Bride and Bear Valley Ranch by Lady Gwynedd (both complete)