The screen door slammed against the aging wooden frame like a shot gun blast. Don flinched at the sudden noise, and watched the door flap idly as Raphael retreated from the aftermath. Leo was crumbling in the bedroom, as Master Splinter was attempting to stop the fragmenting. Donny found himself in the room, with only Mikey's corpse for company, and the two bewildered humans. April was still clutching Casey for solace, and Casey had twisted , wide-eyed towards Raph's retreating shell.
April swallowed back the tiny sound of a questioning whimper.
"Should I go after Raph?" Casey mercifully broke the silence with an uncertain glance at the door.
Donny shook his head, and answered, softly, "Raphael needs some time to clear his head. He'll come back when he's ready."
"What about Leo?" April asked worriedly.
Donny exhaled. "Master Splinter is with him. He can help Leo piece himself back together. Interrupting them wouldn't be a good idea."
Casey's eyes narrowed. "Yeah? And what about you?"
Donny tiredly shrugged. "I'm fine." He said flatly. When he saw April's features twist, he forced a wan, false smile. "I'm okay. Really."
April and Casey exchanged disbelieving glances, and Casey nodded, silently. Gently, April slid free of his protective arms, and halted a few feet away from Donny.
"Donny? Are you sure you're okay?" April stared at him with those huge, emerald, pleading eyes, and behind her, Casey hitched his shoulders, uncomfortably.
Donny bit back the odd, cruel remark that 'okay' was a word that was as dead and useless as Mikey's body. Okay was home, with his brothers intact, alive and safe, not hiding in bedrooms or screaming at the sky in the vacant field, or waiting to be buried. Hell, no, Donny wasn't okay. How in the hell could he be? Okay, Donny realized, was as accessible to him as the lost city of Atlantis, swallowed into oblivion, and a place he could never return to, because for him, it no longer existed.
The thoughts swirled in his brain, brought the strangled, choked back grunt to his throat, and only emerged as what he hoped appeared to be a patient sigh.
"Thank you for your concern. I appreciate it." He gave April another failing attempt of a reassuring smile, one that wilted on his lips and felt as if it were dribbling off of his face like water.
He had hoped the polite dismissal was enough to quell her questions for the moment. April narrowed her eyes, and shook her head.
"Don, you don't have to be brave. Not for us."
He felt the warmth of her hand over his shoulder. Donny lay a palm over hers, letting it linger before he very gently lifted her hand and inched away, uncomfortable at the contact, and somehow grateful for it.
"I'm not brave." He said it more sharply than he meant to, because Casey stiffened and April flinched.
Knotting his shaking hands into fists, and shoving them under his armpits to hide them, he faced the humans.
"I can't even read Mikey's last words to me. I can't even force myself to walk through that door to help Leo and Master Splinter, or go after Raph. How in the hell is that brave?" Donny snarled softly.
April pursed her lips and said nothing.
Donny dug his fingers into his temples, trying to stall some of the ache that had settled behind his eyes. He knew that he should apologize, that he should try to regain some of his tactful, quiet nature, hammer it on like a mask and grace them all with his soft-spoken tact.
And if Donny were any position to offer it, he would have. He stared, torn at the door where Leo and Splinter were, at Mikey's body and the little huddle of humans, and then the open field where Raph had taken refuge.
" I'm sorry. Please excuse me." He whispered, as he gently sidestepped April, and headed for the field. He took great care to see that the screen door didn't slam.
The air was crisp, with a bit of chill, and the leaves were edged in red. Normally, an early warm fall like this was to be savored, but Donny ignored the beauty in favor of finding Raph. His little sojourn had instinctively taken him to that gaping hole in the dirt where they'd lay Mikey to rest. He forlornly bypassed the grave, a bit surprised that Raph wasn't there.
Frowning a bit, he turned on his heel, back into the trees that surrounded the field. The forest was full of odd sounds, a shrill cry of a bird, the rustling of leaves falling. Donny paused to see if he could find any trace of Raph, a bit worried now.
Here, the woods thinned out and only the largest trees clung to the steep ravine of the little stream that ambled her way through the countryside. The stream wasn't much more than a serpentine trickle that fanned out past the incline, forming a large patch of flat rock and earth. It was a quiet, sheltered spot that offered a bit of peace.
Donny was both relieved and surprised to see Raphael at the bank of the stream. Edging closer, Don stood, warily wondering if he would be welcome, or intruding.
Raphael was slumped against a fallen log, with his arms folded across his knees, staring out at the water. Don lingered indecisively for a moment, before he turned to leave, hoping not to disturb Raph.
"You gonna take a picture of me, or what?" Donny was startled by Raph's sudden, languid question.
"I'm sorry. I didn't expect to find you here." Donny answered after a moment.
Raph tilted his head over his shoulder to look at Donny, curiously. " Leo or Master Splinter need something?"
Awkwardly, Donny shrugged. " No. I didn't mean to interrupt you. I'm leaving now." He spun on his heel back towards the underbrush.
"Donny, wait." Raph's plea was abrupt. Don turned back towards him, worriedly.
Raph uneasily waved a hand. "You ain't interrupting anything, Donny. Here. Sit down."
Raph pat the dirt in invitation and a sad smirk. "It's really peaceful here. Helps me clear my head."
Don hesitated, before lowering himself next to Raphael. Raph gave him a side glance before turning back to the shimmer of writhing water.
A long, comfortable silence passed between them, before Don curiously raised an eye arch.
"Is that what you were doing out here, Raph? Clearing your head?"
Raphael scowled and shook his head. Tapping a finger to his temple, he groused, "No. I'm not like you and Fearless. I don't have to clutter things up here by overthinking or brooding. What's the point?"
Raph shrugged, bitterly. "We all know what we have to do. Keep our crap together long enough to have the funeral, and put Mikey in the ground. Bury our baby brother, and get it done."
He picked up a stone, rubbed a thumb over its red surface and then sent it skittering over the top of the water. Donny watched it skip five times before it silently sank with only a ripple.
"That's simple. That's all we got to do. So why in the hell is it so hard for me to drag my shell back to the farmhouse and do it, Don? Why is it so hard for you to finish reading Mikey's letter, or for Leo to keep from blubbering, or for the three of us to even stay in the same room together?"
Donny hitched his shoulders, as he scooped a stone, careful to avoid looking at Raph, and tactfully staying silent about Raph's quaking and sudden sniffling.
"Because of what it means." Don's fingers were shaking as he twisted the stone in his hands in anguish. He tried to toss the stone, and watched as it flopped into the dirt and rolled into the river. "It's final. It means shattering any illusion that Mikey's deceased. Raph, have you even thought about what it's going to be like with just the three of us?"
Raph narrowed his eyes, and sucked in a breath. Donny tactfully ignored the sudden wet that made Raph's eyes eerily bright.
"I spend most of my time thinking about how I'm going to kill those bastards who did this. I spend most of my time thinkin' how damn good it's going to feel shoving my sais through their guts and hearing them scream. I know Master Splinter would be pissed if he knew that, but it's a hell of a lot easier thinkin' about vengeance and being angry than it is thinking of Mikey being dead. You and Fearless ever think about things like that instead of just moping?"
Raph's growl was brutal and soft, as he caressed his sai with a smirk that looked as if it would shatter.
Donny only stared at him, jaw slightly open.
Raphael picked up another stone, and flicked it out over the water. Don watched as it skipped over the ripples before sinking again. Don grabbed a rock, and hurled it in frustration.
"Look. We're not doing Mikey or ourselves any favors by all this crying. It won't bring him back, and it won't change a damn thing."
Donny swallowed hard. "More killing won't bring Mikey back, either, Raph. And after that night…."Donny shuddered, "I don't want to pick up my bo staff. I'm not even sure that I can."
Donny cringed at the admission, and braced himself for the verbal knives that Raph was sure to throw.
"They killed our brother, Don. You just going to let that slide because you turn pansy? Mikey deserves better!"
Raph's roar ended in a snarl as he suddenly snatched both sais from his belt and hurled them. Donny flinched as both blades embedded themselves into a hollowed out trunk a few yards away.
"Mikey deserves better than having our blood spilled for something that we can't accomplish, Raph. I want to see Mikey again, one day, but not as another murder victim."
"Yeah? You gonna explain to Mikey how you wimped out and let the bastards who did this get away with it? You wanna explain to him how he wasn't worth fighting for? We're not human! We don't have any cops to call, or courts, or juries to help us! If we won't get Mikey justice, who the hell will?"