Lips of an Angel

by Redhead17x

Bellamy Blake lives in a dark world... A world of blood, death, and crime. To the outside world he's either a cold hearted business man or a ruthless Underboss, an indestructible force to be reckoned with but alone, he grapples with the demons that haunt him. He craves the warmth and light that only an angel can give, but angels don't exist... Or do they? [Modern Mafia AU]

26. Weakness and Mistakes

Disclaimer: I own nothing but my plot and my original characters.

Warnings: A bit racy, I guess. That should be it.

Chapter 26- Weakness and Mistakes

The door slammed close behind him as he continued to hold her, kissing any part of her he could. The keys in his hand dropped to the floor, and were completely forgotten about as they stood there in the middle of her entry way, kissing like two long lost lovers finally reunited.

He felt drunk on her… Absolutely intoxicated. A small voice in the back of his head whispered… This is wrong, causing Bellamy to falter for a moment and pull away slightly, but she wasn't letting him go anywhere.

"Bellamy…" Clarke murmured still breathing heavily, her voice so full of longing and want, it was impossible to ignore as her dark eyes opened to focus on him. Her arms were still wrapped tightly around his shoulders, one hand in his hair, the other on his neck as her nails scraped gently across his nape sending shivers of pleasure down his spine. She closed her eyes again as she brushed her nose against his in such a sweet intimate gesture, it made his already pounding heart, ache with the love he felt for her in that moment. He pulled her closer still, slanting his mouth back over hers, licking along the seam of her lips, making her open her mouth on a soft sigh.

How could this be wrong when it felt so right? It is wrong… The voice whispered again. This time, Bellamy shoved it down and ignored it. Right or wrong, this is what they, he, wanted. He was tired of sacrificing so much for everyone else… He just wanted this one moment with the woman he loved, and knowing that she loved and wanted him back, possibly as much as he wanted her, only seemed to push him higher. He stumbled, a little dizzy from it all… It felt so surreal. Was he dreaming? If he was, he never wanted to wake up. He moved to set her on the edge of the island breakfast-bar counter. She was the perfect height as he moved one hand to her waist, and the other to grip the back of her head, tilting it to the side and changing the angle to allow him better access.

Of the few kisses they had shared up to that moment, this was by far the most desperate… It was sloppy, and uncoordinated. She wrapped her legs around his waist and still tried to pull closer… It felt like no matter how close they were, it still wasn't enough. She started tugging on his T-shirt, letting him know she wanted it gone, and, well, how could he tell her no?

Pulling away for a moment, Bellamy grabbed the collar at the back of his neck and swiftly pulled it over his head and off. Immediately, Clarke grabbed it from him and threw it somewhere off into the living room behind her. Pulling him back to her, she began running her warm hands from the tops of his shoulders, over his bare chest and down his abs… Stopping to trace the tattoos and scars there, as he just drank her in. Her hair was mussed from his hands, her lips were swollen from his kisses, and her eyes were so dark with lust for him, the blue he loved so much was practically nonexistent. Her cheeks were flushed pink, and her breathing was still heavy, and Bellamy couldn't help but think she'd never been more beautiful.

She leaned forward suddenly to kiss his chest right over where his heart lay, just above where the pendant she gave him rested on his sternum, causing the air to whoosh out of his lungs once more at the deep unspoken gesture. Pulling away, she looked up at him, only to see him watching her with something close to dazed wonder… Slowly, she leaned up to kiss him on the lips again, this kiss being so much more controlled, unhurried, and precise… He could literally feel her telling him everything through that one kiss. How much she missed him, how much she loved him, how much she wanted him, and not just to stay either, how sorry she was that things couldn't be different…

This. Is. Wrong! The whisper was now a shout in the forefront of his mind. He couldn't ignore this warning… Because that's what the voice was. A warning.

If they kept going, and oh how he wanted to keep going, it would be a mistake on so many levels. She was inebriated… How much, he couldn't tell, but it didn't matter. Point was, she was drunk. She was engaged, and that wasn't changing. He was going to have to leave her eventually, even though she didn't want him to and had begged him not to, and how could he leave her when he knew fully what it felt like to be with her in every sense of the word? Just like before, with the 'I love you' he had cut off before it was fully spoken, this too had to be done… Had to be stopped before something really happened, that they both had to suffer the consequences of it. If he had her, completely, he'd never let her go, the rest of the world be damned.

So, it was with great reluctance that Bellamy pulled away from her, both physically and emotionally. When Clarke realized what he was doing, she clung to him, her hands clutching his neck desperately and her legs tightening around his bare waist, pleading with him, "No, please. Don't. I want you. I've missed you so much. Please, stop."

Bellamy ignored her and removed her hands from his neck, one by one, kissing the palms of each before setting them gently in her lap. It was then that she let her legs fall, and he took two steps back, his back coming in contact with the cool refrigerator door… The chill served to further clear his desire filled mind, and help him get himself under control.

For a moment, everything was silent… They just stared at each other with something akin to disbelief. Disbelief that they'd just made out like a couple of high schoolers… Disbelief that it would have been more if he hadn't pulled away when he did… Disbelief that he pulled away period…

"I've gotta leave… I'm so sorry." Bellamy eventually choked out, knowing his apology was meant for more than just having to leave, but for starting all of this and dragging her into it and letting it get way out of hand and then for having to leave her the way he had to… Abruptly. He knew that's what he had to do though, even as everything inside of him rebelled at the thought of leaving her. He turned and walked around her to her living room area, seeing his shirt on the back of one of the couches. She has gotten down from the counter and moved to the center of the apartment, watching him with a watery gaze as he quickly snatched his shirt up and threw it on, turning and heading for the front door, not daring to look at her as he passed. He just knew wouldn't be leaving if he did.

Just as he got to her door, stepping over the keys he had so unceremoniously dropped earlier, he heard her. His hand was on the door knob, turning it, when he heard her ask from behind him, weakly, "Where are you going?"

Turning his head slightly to the side, Bellamy shrugged, saying, "I don't know." If he was honest, he didn't even really know what type of leaving he was doing. Just from her apartment? Or something more permanent, like leaving the city? Then there was the more drastic option of leaving the whole damn country… That idea was actually quite appealing in that moment. He just had to get away…

He opened the door slightly, and heard her call his name with a touch of franticness. He froze… It took everything in him not to turn around. He couldn't be near her… He couldn't be trusted around her… He was weak around her… Just a look, and he knew he'd cave. He could feel it.

"Please…" She said, the sound of tears in her voice added to her distressed. "Take me with you? Right now, take me with you." Her voice cracked a little asking the first question, but the second time she said it, she sounded more determined… More resolute.

Despite all his efforts to the contrary, Bellamy whirled around to face her, shocked at her words. He closed the door as he went, and immediately caught her as she jumped into his arms… She had been closer to him than he'd originally thought. He could see the tears that had fallen on her cheeks before her face disappeared into his neck, where he then felt them against his own skin. She was trembling in his arms, but she kept repeating, "Take me with you."

"I can't." Bellamy said softly, putting her down and wiping her tears away. "You have to stay here..." He said a bit gruffer, hating the words coming out of his own mouth and barely being able to say them.

"No, I don't… You can take me…" She said adamantly, gripping his hands that were still holding her face. Bellamy internally groaned that she was making it so hard for him to resist her… Making it so hard for him to do the right thing. "You and me," She said, "We'll leave. We can leave, and-and go where ever you want, and never look back!" She said looking up at him, smiling despite the tear tracks that were still visible on her face. She looked so happy at the thought of it, but it was obvious she was coming completely off the cuff with her words. "We can leave this horrible life behind, and all the stuff that had happened in the last week and a half. I'll go wherever you go, and we'll be able to be together. Isn't that what you want?" She asked, her excited hopeful expression fading as doubt and hurt start to seep in at his own lack of response. "Do you not want me anymore?" She asked, her eyes watering again, as she tried to step back away from his hold.

Bellamy didn't let her go though, cupping her face fiercely, but gently, not wanting to hurt her, "Want you?!" He almost growled. "I crave you. I have to use all the restraint I have not to steal you away like a thief in the dead of night. You don't know what you're asking of me… What you're saying." He said breathing harshly, gritting his teeth as her words tried to take root in his mind. They couldn't do as she was suggesting… It. Was. Wrong.

The irrational side of Bellamy, who was listening very intently to what she was saying and agreeing to every word, rebelled as the virtuous words were repeated over again like a mantra. He had done many wrong things in his life… Committed may sins and immoral acts… This would in no way be the worst thing he ever did, leaving with her, but still, something was stopping him, and like before in his office, the rational side came to save the day showing him memories of his guys, and his grandmother… He couldn't do this because it would kill them. Literally.

Clarke blinked up at him owlishly. "Yes. I. Do." She said speaking slowly, as if he wasn't comprehending what she was saying. "I know what I'm saying… I want us, you and me, to leave. Run away together. I made a mistake agreeing to that deal. I was wrong, and I can't go through with it. I'd be marrying the wrong man…" She said, and Bellamy dropped his hands from her face like he'd been burned. He took another step back, closing his eyes and turning his head to the side, futilely wishing he could unhear the words she had just spoken. He knew all of that… He didn't need her to confirm it for him! Hell, hearing it said from her own lips, made knowing it was true ten times worst.

"Come on Bellamy…" She said drawing nearer, her hands coming up to cup his cheeks like he'd just done her, only more gentle and comforting. She drew his face down so he would look at her and how could he resist? She's all he ever wanted to look at… But one could only look at the sun for so long before becoming blind. "We could travel all over the world together, or we could settle down somewhere quiet and remote. The point is, we would be together." She was a siren, a temptress of the highest order, created just for him, singing the very song he most wanted to hear… Enticing him with what he wanted most in the world. Her.

Bellamy closed his eyes again. He could see it. He could see it all… Them being happy and together. It would be absolute bliss. There was no doubt about it. No abhorrent engagements, or marriages for that matter, to other people. They could do anything they wanted… Go anywhere they wanted. They'd never have to work with all the money he had, and they could spend every moment of everyday together. It would be their very own paradise… But…

Then several mental images assaulted him, slamming him seemingly all at once, each getting progressively worst… His company tanking, and tens of thousands of people being out of work with families to support at home and no work to be found in the current economy. His grandmother having a fatal heart attack when the news was told to her that both he and Clarke had disappeared, and that a hit had been put out on them both. Then, lastly, his guys all lines up in a dark cold place, forced to their knees, and guns held to the back of their heads… Not one begging for their life or looking anything but fierce as they were all executed with eight loud gunshots.

Funeral after funeral floated through his mind… So many people would be hurt and die… His family and hers…

That's why they couldn't do this. That's why it was wrong. That's why he had to stay strong, and not give in to this temptation.

When Bellamy opened his eyes, steadfast as ever in his resolve to stay the course he'd been on, she was still looking up at him with that damn hopeful expression. Before he could say anything, her hands dropped from his face, and she quickly covered her mouth while she yawned. She blinked back up at him several times, no trace of tears in her eyes, even as they lingered on her damp cheeks. He noticed her swaying a little where she stood. That small act more than anything brought Bellamy back to reality.

She was obviously exhausted, and she'd been drinking earlier in the evening… There was no way she was in her right mind suggesting this. Another reason he was right not to consider any of it. Bellamy knew her words and hopes and thoughts probably came from a deep dark place within her, a place that rarely ever saw the light of day, and that had she not been under the influence of the wine, and perhaps a little more rested, she wouldn't be saying the things she was now. It was a moment of weakness. A mistake. Nothing more.

"You should go to sleep." Bellamy said, guiding her over to her bed, and stopping a few feet away, gently pushing her to continue on and keep walking, until she was sitting on the edge.

"No… We have to finish this conversation…" She said looking up at him as he hovered feet away.

"We will…" He said. "After you've rested, and the alcohol is gone from your system." Perhaps she'd even forget everything that had happened and what was said. Wouldn't that be a real sucker punch to the gut? Albeit, a very welcome one.

She narrowed her gaze on him. "You think I only said what I said because I was a little tipsy."

Bellamy shrugged. She wasn't wrong. "Amongst other things."

"Well, I'm not Bellamy Blake." She said with a glare. "The alcohol just gave me the courage to say everything… I'm fully coherent and aware of what I'm talking about and saying."

"Good then…" Bellamy said with an irritating smirk. "You won't mind if we shelf this conversation for another time, then will you?"

She gave him a dirty look, knowing he had her, but it faltered a moment later, when she said, "I'm just afraid you'll disappear on me again…"

Bellamy didn't say anything to reassure her, not having the strength to. "Go to sleep Clarke." He said resignedly, going to turn away.

"Wait!" She exclaimed jumping up again, and stumbling a little into the nightstand, using that as a crutch to hold herself up.

"What?" He asked warily, rolling his shoulders in the hopes of releasing a little of the tension there.

"Stay." She said quietly, her big eyes focused on him, silently pleading with him to say yes. "Just the night."

Bellamy opened his mouth tell her no, when she interrupted him, saying, "I promise, I won't touch you, and we don't have to talk anymore. Just…" She paused. "For one night… It's all I ask. Please."

He was never going to get through this… Not with the way she affected him. He wanted, desperately, to give her everything she asked for, simply because he wanted her to be happy, but where was the line? The line between what made her happy versus what broke him and made him suffer so acutely… There had to be a line, yet, Bellamy couldn't think of one. It was only when the lives and wellbeing's of others factored in that he couldn't bring himself to do whatever it took to make her happy, and that angered him more than words could say. Yet, other than that, there was nothing that he could think of that he wouldn't do for her, even if it was to his own detriment… He would give his very life for her.

He turned back to her, and nodded, not being able to look into her blue eyes. "I'll stay…" He said lowly, the silent For now. spoken only in his mind. He couldn't run away with her, but he could stay the night with her, even though the thought pained him more than any gunshot wound to the chest ever could… He had wished for just one more of everything with her. One more kiss, one more soft look, one more touch, one more laugh, one more time holding her, and one more night together, even if it they could do nothing but look at each other before falling asleep. They say be careful what you wish for, and Bellamy had truly started to regret wishing for those things, because now, they were all happening… The last of everything. Once they were done, they were gone… Forever. It couldn't be 'just one more', because he'd already used those up. There would be no more wishes, and no more chances.

Bellamy honestly couldn't tell what was more painful… Knowing these 'one lasts' were happening, and trying to savor and treasure them despite the pain radiating throughout his whole being, or not knowing they were the last, and treating them like every other great moment and memory they'd had. It didn't matter in the end… They were happening, and he knew it, and he couldn't do anything about it. Not really.

Bellamy motioned for her to climb into the bed. After she had curled up under the covers on her side facing him, sans her shoes which she had kicked off, Bellamy moved slowly to lie on his back beside her, on top of the comforter with his shoes kicked off too. He turned his head to the side to look at her, and he saw that already Clarke's eyes were having a hard time staying open. She lay there for a good five minutes or so, looking at him while desperately fighting the sleep her body was trying to force on her, before succumbing and finally resting… The whole time, her eyes were focused on him, as if trying to memorize everything about him. He knew all too well what she was doing, because he was doing the exact same thing.

XxxX

He lay there for hours in a trance, just staring at her sleeping form. He was sure if she woke at that moment, she'd joke with him about his creepy behavior and tease him, making him laugh… Or maybe not. That was something Before Clarke would have done… Before the contract that is, that arranged for her marriage. Bellamy quickly shut the thought down, going back to gazing at her with the moonlight streamed into the apartment bathing her in a soft light.

Logically, he knew he should sleep. He hadn't been sleeping all that much, or well for that matter, over the last week or so, and he should take advantage of the fact that this was his one last chance to sleep beside the woman he loved before he had to let her go for good. He was exhausted quite frankly… But the longer he lay there, the more awake and alert he became, and the more his mind became preoccupied with the words spoken earlier in the evening and less on the angel sleeping beside him. His mind raced, never settling on one thing for too long before it jumped on another thought and took off in a different direction. Bellamy became more maddened by his thoughts as the minutes rolled on, and drew his gaze from Clarke, who looked to be resting peacefully, and lifted his head to look at the clock on the stove across the apartment. 4:34 A.M.

Bellamy dropped his head gently back to the pillow and scrubbed his hands over his face in frustration. He didn't know what to do, and he couldn't just lay there any longer, so he gently got up from the bed, making sure not to disturb Clarke as she slumbered on, unaware and unhindered of the turmoil that raged within him. As he stood there by the bed watching her for a moment, all he could think of is how he wished he could just shut down completely like that… No thoughts, no dreams, just sweet oblivious unconsciousness.

Soundlessly he moved away from the side of the bed, and wondered about the apartment… He couldn't seem to sit or stand still for nothing, nor stop his mind from thought jumping. Everywhere he looked, some small thing reminded him of a memory that they had created together… The entry way where she always told him to take off his shoes and coat to get comfortable for their evening in. The kitchen where they had so many conversations while making dinner and laughing at the silly stories told by the other... The counter where she sat that one night, cutting fruit as he made her late night pancakes, stealing quick kisses and pieces of fruit, just being deliriously happy to have her finally be his. The couch where they had huddled together for so many weeks, watching whatever she wanted on T.V. and her falling asleep on him numerous time, always being comfortable enough in his presence to do so. All the nights he had carried her to bed as she cuddled closer to him in his arms, sighing his name so sweetly it made him physically weak. He could picture it all so clearly that it played out right in front of his very eyes, and he was unable to do anything but just watch as though he was nothing more than a spectator.

Remembering all the good times, and the laughter, and the happiness, caused his chest to split open and pain to flow once more knowing those were just memories, and there would never be new ones. The past was painful to think of, the present was painful to live in, and that in turn made him think of the future… Of what was coming. It didn't take a psychic to know it was going to be equally, if not more so, painful than everything else. After several minutes of his wondering about, he found himself at the foot of the bed, gazing upon her sleeping form once more.

That too did not last long, and he eventually began to pace, hoping to expel some of the pent up emotions and worry and energy in his body. As he paced at the foot of the bed, Bellamy thought about what he was going to do when she woke up, and found him there… What if she remembered everything, and had been serious about leaving with him? What if she wanted to finish that conversation, and still insisted on them leaving together? How was he going to face her and tell her that he, that they, couldn't do that?

You don't have to tell her no… The words were nothing but a whisper from deep inside his heart, where his darkest desires were kept locked away tightly and repressed. That single thought, so powerful, slipped out and caused Bellamy to waver once more in his fight against himself. Knowing, rationally, that they couldn't leave together and just forget the rest of the world, didn't stop him from thinking about it and running over the different scenarios of if they did just that. In that one moment of hesitation, of weakness, Bellamy's irrational side took over, and he saw once again the joyful life they could have together if they left… Why did he have to be the one to sacrifice so much? Hadn't he already given up so much in his life? Why did he have to give her up too?

Suddenly, words from what felt like long ago but in reality had only been a week or two, echoed in his ears… She deserves someone who will fight the world and all its cruelties for her. Those words, his own words, spoken to Miller about Katie, aptly applied here… Clarke did deserve someone like that, and more. He desperately wanted to be that person for her… To whisk her away from this place, and from these people, just like she asked him to, but at what cost?

There were of course the lives of his guys and grandmother, and his company, all at jeopardy… Bellamy flinched as his mind automatically conjured the images from earlier. But… There was also something, perhaps even greater, at stake if he gave in and took her away… Their very relationship itself.

Bellamy broke out in a cold sweat. If they left, and something happened to her family and they were hurt, or worst dead, which would inevitably happen in the wake of their leaving, the relationship they fought, risked, and sacrificed so much for would crumble to dust and be lost in the wind. Oh, they'd be happy… At first that is. Being together is all that would matter in the beginning, but as news eventually started to roll in to whatever small corner of the world they carved out for themselves, they'd be faced once more with the consequences of their actions… It would come in the form of obituaries, and headlines that would read 'Billionaire Business Tycoon Still Missing as Empire Begins to Fall' or 'Mafia Wars Rage On, Turning Bloodier by the Day'. The guilt they'd both feel would destroy them both as individuals, and there would be no sanctuary to be found in each other and their relationship, because that to would be in shambles too. Eventually, she'd grow to resent her decision to leave with him, and him by extension… He could manage, just barley, being separated from her and not seeing her… At least he thought he could. He also thought he could even manage her loving him, and him not being there to love her back the way she deserved, but to have her resent him, and eventually grow to hate him because of a stupid thoughtless in-the-moment mistake? No. That couldn't happen. He'd rather die a thousand deaths than see that day come.

Bellamy stopped his quiet pacing as Clarke shifted in the bed, rolling onto her back, and turning her head to the window… One of her hands fell across the bed to rest in the empty space that Bellamy had occupied earlier, and, despite his absence, she didn't wake, thankfully. Breathing out the breath he didn't even know he'd been holding, Bellamy turned around, his back to her, and planted his hands on the back of the big sofa, leaning heavily on it… What to do, what to do… All the options he had, quite frankly, sucked. The trick was to pick the one that sucked less. Bellamy rolled his eyes and scoffed quietly as his own thoughts. Options. He was deluding himself if he thought he had any real ones. He knew deep down what he had to do, but still, he was frantic to come up with another solution… Another way than the obvious one.

The blue blinking light on the television receiver drew Bellamy's attention, not just to the light, but to the movie case sitting on top of the black box. He could just make out the letters spelling, Romeo and Juliet. A small smile came to his lips as he remembered how he'd protested and complained at her girlie movie choice the night they sat down to watch a movie. He had never enjoyed the works of Shakespeare, and hadn't cared to watch the latest movie adaption of one of his most famous plays… Of course, his princess had won out in the end, and in a way he did too, getting to hold her and cuddle her close as she sniffled and teared up at the separation and death scenes. Truthfully, Bellamy had just never understood Shakespeare, and thought him a bit daft, but now in the light of his own circumstances, Bellamy could comprehend it all quite a bit more, seeing as how he was practically living the heartbreaking play… Star crossed lovers, separated and unable to be together due to their fathers and who their families were. If Romeo felt for Juliet, even a fraction of the fierce and fervent love he felt for Clarke, then Bellamy could understand completely why the story ended as tragically as it did. He wouldn't want to live in a world without his beloved either… Just thinking of her demise sent a pang of despair through his chest. As long as Bellamy knew Clarke was out there in the world, still breathing and living, he'd make it on his own. He had to… For her he would.

Tearing his eyes from the movie case, Bellamy pushed off the couch and turned around to lean on the back of it. He once more took up his silent watchful vigil, the anxiety in his being not at all lessened by his thoughts.

Once again questions and bitter thoughts clouded his mind. How had they gotten to this point? Why did this happen to them, of all people? Was it a punishment from God? Where did it all go wrong? It had been too good to be true… Like a dream. Not knowing where it came from, an unbidden thought came to him, and Bellamy briefly wondered if that last statement was what Hades thought when he was commanded to send Persephone back to the land of the living… Back to the pressure of her mother, and the cruel loneliness of the life she had before. Is that not what had happened to them? Was that not what he was sending her back to by refusing to leave and take her with him? The bitter difference between them was, Hades was lucky… Bellamy didn't have any magical pomegranate seeds to give to Clarke to keep her with him, even if it was just for a few months out of the year. No, if Damian knew what he was doing, she would more than likely be another man's wife within that time… His despised half-brother's wife. Just the very thought made his stomach roll with nausea.

He felt caged in… Not necessarily by the apartment, but by his limited, practically nonexistent options… Stay or go? Climb back into the bed with her, or walk out the front door alone, because he couldn't take her with him… That much was painfully clear.

Staying was quite actually the more difficult and painful of the two decisions. He had been so weak before, when he'd offered to take her home. He should have just let her take a cab, or found a way to get her to stay at his grandmother's house. Instead, he'd foolishly taken her home, let his guard down while her's was all but obliterated by exhaustion and alcohol, and he'd kissed her. He'd been strong the whole week, yet, the minute he saw her earlier that day, he crumbled and fell apart. That couldn't happen again… Ever. If he stayed and that type of thing continued, it would become a repetitive cycle of ruin for them both, that would just hurt them both more and more each time it happened. As much as it killed him to admit, she had to get over him and move on to focus on what was ahead of her, without having him always being right there waiting to get even a drop of her attention, reminding her of the past and the 'what could have been's'. As for himself, well, he had to enact some type of self-preservation instincts because he died a little more inside every time he saw her, looked at her, or even thought of her, knowing she wasn't his, and had to acknowledge that fact out loud to others or inwardly to himself. He didn't share, and it wasn't in her nature to cheat, no matter whom it was on or whom it was with, so it wasn't like they could actually carry on with a relationship on the side, outside of her marriage to Finn… Even though he couldn't fathom it now, Bellamy did know that if they did try to force an affair, he'd become the one to resent their relationship, and maybe with time, even her as well.

However, staying on as he did now, completely uninvolved with her, meant he'd be forced to watch his girl, the one he loved more than his own life, marry Finn, bare his children, care for him, and feed him… Even worst, he'd have to sit by and watch from a distance as she forgot or ignored all her feelings for him, like he'd have to try do with his own for her… If he didn't actually succeed in forgetting or ignoring his feelings for her, which was more than just a major likelihood (more like a guarantee), he'd have to pretend like he did and put up such good ruse that it would fool God himself. Then of course was the possibility that Clarke, forgetting all about her love for him, could actually fall in love with her husband instead, the man she was forced to marry… He had seen that happen with his father. Damian grew to love Vanessa, horribleness and all, in his own way, despite their rough start, forced marriage, and his love for Bellamy's mother. Bellamy felt he might actually die if he was forced to bear witness to any of that.

Where did that leave him then? He couldn't take her away, and he certainly couldn't stay. Despair and defeat settled around him like a straightjacket… He knew this was coming, and despite his efforts to fight it and find another way, he knew it would come to this. Deep down, he always knew this would never work… He knew this would all have to come to an end eventually, both the relationship and the idea of them being friends. All Bellamy could see that was left for him to do now was to leave, for good this time, without her, and to stay away. That meant not being around her or running into her at events, meetings, parties, or, hell, even randomly on the streets. No seeing her what-so-ever… Even from a distance. Sterling would stay on as her protection detail, but he would no longer get reports about anything she did, unless an emergency or threat came up… Only then would he, unknowingly to her or anyone else, step in and help her, before quietly slipping back into the shadows without anyone the wiser. He would kill for her… He would die for her… Those were both so easy to do really. However, now he had to take on the excruciatingly difficult task of living for her, but without her.

The only real question now was how and when to say goodbye…

Looking at the clock once more and seeing the numbers read, 5:56 AM, Bellamy longed to slip back into the bed with her and hold her just one last time. She'd be so warm and soft from sleep… She'd curl right into his arms, tucking her head into his neck as one of her hands came to rest on his chest… She'd sigh in contentment…

Leave, His subconscious whispered, knocking Bellamy right out of his fantasy, before you hurt her and yourself even more. It was with a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach that Bellamy knew the little voice was right. He couldn't slip in to the bed with her, because he'd fall asleep and have to face her in the morning to try and explain his logic, rationale, and decision to her, which she'd never understand and might even try to talk him out of, which, his weak-willed self would allow without a fight. No, he had to leave now before she got up, and make sure that he cut her out completely… For both their sakes. It was perfectly clear to Bellamy their only real weakness lay with the other, thus it was for the good of both of them to never see or have contact with the other… But how to tell her that… Knowing the when he had to leave her, left him with the how…

A somber plan came to him, and he grudgingly began implementing it, knowing it was the best he could come up with, short notice, and with the nature of what he was doing being so grim… No goodbye he could ever think of would ever be prefect enough, because perfection meant not having to do it in the first place, which was an impossibility as he'd well established. At the same time, he was not yet so cruel and heartless as to just walk out, leave her nothing explaining things and leave her wondering where they stood and the status of their relationship… Which was now nonexistent.

After messaging Jones, telling him to bring what he needed and that he needed to be picked up as well, Bellamy moved across the apartment to the empty window seat that was her favorite drawing spot. He slipped her drawing journal from its hidden spot under the large cushion spanning the booth. Yeah, he knew her 'secret' hiding spot. Grabbing a black ink pen from the cup on one of the shelves by the window, Bellamy sat in the living room on the small couch so he could still see Clarke sleeping in the bad across the apartment.

Bellamy opened the journal to the last two pages, and quietly tore the clear blank sheets out, before closing the book and setting it on the coffee table away from him. As much as he longed to look through the drawings in the book, knowing he'd never get a chance to see them ever again, Bellamy resisted, not wanting to invade her privacy like that and knowing he didn't have the time.

Despite his time restraint, Bellamy had a hard time starting the letter off, not really knowing what to say or where to start. Finally, he decided to just start writing what came to him. Using the coffee table, he began to write from the heart all the things he wanted to say to her, and would never again get the chance too.

Clarke,

As I sit here and write you this letter, I can't help but look over to see you sleeping so peacefully, and fear it will be quite a long time before you ever sleep as such again. I don't know if you will wake up blissfully ignorant of the things said and done last night, or wake up fully enlightened… All I know is when you wake up, I will be gone, and things will have irreparably changed once again. I admit to having a hard time right now, figuring out a way to tell you why and how things are going to change, knowing the change with be negative for us both, and I can't comfort you or tell you everything is going to be okay. I actually can't think of anything more important to tell you right now than I'm sorry… I am just so unbelievably sorry. It seems to me that I have so many things to apologize to you for that I can't even begin to list them all out here for you, for lack of room and time, but, I can tell you some of the biggest things I regret and lament over, and hope that you will forgive me one day for all the wrongs I have committed against you. That I can't even give you these apologies to your face, because I am a weak man, I too must also beg of your forgiveness. Believe me when I say that I didn't want or intend for this last farewell to be so sorrowful when sat down to write it, but unfortunately, many of my original plans have been thwarted and gone awry these days, so why not this too?

First, I must ask forgiveness for all the broken promises I leave behind in the wake of this letter, both to you, and the one's I made to myself in regards to you. I promised you that you could trust me, and I see now that you can't… Your trust in me was misplaced, and I'm sorry I mislead you, it was completely unintentional on my part. I vowed to myself long ago that I would never let anyone hurt you or anything happen to you, and that I would move heaven and earth keep you safe, but I failed on all three accounts by letting your mother and father as well as my own father trap you in a marriage you don't want… As for keeping you safe, well, I will always strive for that goal, no matter where you or I are in this world. Regrettably, I won't be here to see to it personally that fate doesn't snatch you away before you are old and grey, so even though I have no right to ask (and I know you already will), please be careful, and be safe. I am also breaking the promise I made to you that we could be friends… I was lying and deceiving not just you, but myself as well, when I told you we could be just friends. In my small, almost absent defense, at the time, I thought we could be friends and that it would get better with time, but hindsight is everything, and I see my mistake… Again, I am sorry.

Secondly, I must apologize for all the wasted time, and time I thought we would have together, but obviously didn't. I'm sorry that so much of the actual time we spent together was innocent, because I was blind and a coward to the feelings you invoked in me. Another thing I regret so acutely is that I turned your father down on his offer to move out west so many years ago, because we would have met a lot earlier in life and none of this might have ever happened. I want you to know that this thing, what we had, was never a temporary thing for me… I had plans, a future, mapped out for us, and it kills me that I will never be able to follow through on those plans. I won't be able to take you back to finish exploring the Met, or take you to see Rockefeller Center all lit up at Christmas time. I won't be able to take you on that trip in August, and even though I won't be around, I still want you to go, and take someone with you who's going to make you smile and laugh, and just remember the whole time that the beauty and awe you see looking at those real life paintings, is what I saw and felt a thousand times over every time I looked at you. I know how sappy and cliché that sounded, but it is the complete, God's honest, truth.

I am sorry for all the things left unsaid between us, like that conversation you may have woken up with in mind to finish, but I knew it would be better to make a clean break, which is why you wake to this letter instead, and not me. I'm also sorry for the things that couldn't be said between us, like a proper formal goodbye… I want you to know that I wanted so desperately to hear the words you were ready to say last night, but, I couldn't let you say them because, again, I am a weak man when it comes to you… I would have done anything and everything you asked of me, including to stay, just to hear you say those words to me over and over again.

Lastly, I won't ask for forgiveness for this deed, because I know it is simply unforgivable, even for you my heart, but the biggest thing I have to apologize for is that I have to leave you now. I have exhausted every avenue that I can think of trying to find a way to get you out of this deal or find a way for us to still be together like we were before, and I have failed. I have come up empty handed, and for that, I am the sorriest I will ever be about anything in my entire life. I never wanted to leave you… I still don't… But I have to do what's best for you and for me. I know how much you hate others making decisions for you, and even with that in mind, I'm making this decision for the both of us. You spoke words a week or so ago that I now find couldn't be so wrong, yet so true… Love is weakness… You and I, specifically, are each other's weaknesses. But even with that being known, the reason I sit here at this table writing you this letter is because even though you are my greatest weakness, you are my greatest source of strength. It is because of you and for you that I can and have made this tough decision, to leave. I know being around me must cause you pain, and I can't bear to be the source of it. If I can't save you from everything else, I can at least spare you from the pain me and my presence in your life creates. You have a whole future ahead of you, and as much as it pains me to acknowledge, I don't fit anywhere in it. If I tried, it would only hurt us both, and cause resentment to fester, and I don't want that… If I can't have you now and in the future, I at least want to be able to look back and think about you years down the line with nothing but happy memories, not bitter ones. You must see that if I did stay, you would eventually have push me away for one reason or another, and it would hurt us both even more, so I am doing us both the favor and creating the clean break and distance now so we don't face even more heartbreak and agony later on. I regret to say that I can't even promise we won't ever meet again, though I will make all the efforts to ensure we don't, so we don't lose all the progress we make with our separation or bring back old hurts that will hopefully ease with time.

Even though I know I should probably have ended this here, I find that I can't. I feel you should know these things which I am about to write, so you will know I was earnest in my feelings for you, that I meant everything I ever said to you, and that I wanted things for us to turn out so different… Firstly, amongst all the things I'm sorry for, meeting you and getting to know you isn't one of them. From the moment I met you, I knew you were special. I knew you were going to change me, make me a better man, and you have. I love you with my whole being, Princess… I can't pinpoint the exact moment that it first started, I can't even claim I loved you from the first moment I met you, because, I think I was born just to love you, and I know deep down, there will never be anyone else for me. I will miss you every second, of every minute, of every hour, of every day, for the rest of my life… Even now, I feel the anguish of missing you, and I'm still right here in your presence, able to see you and hear the breaths you take. I will never stop wanting you, even though I know I can't have you, and wishing that things had been different and that the timing would have worked for us. Another lesson I carry with me from this whole ordeal is, timing is everything, and, as horrible and soul crushing as it is, we could just never seem to get our timing right… It was my fault it was too slow in the middle, our parents fault it was too fast at the end, and again my fault it's too abrupt now at the finish. When I first met you and started to know you, I thought, the stars and the planets had all aligned for me by luck… I now know it was grace that gave me the time I had with you. You're the angel that found me in the middle of the chaos that is my life, and gave me happiness and contentment, the likes of which I have never known nor will ever know again, and I'll always be grateful to you for giving me that… The key I guess, will be to try to always be thankful for the little time we did have together, and not spiteful and resentful that we didn't have more…

I am a selfish man by nature Clarke… It's what kept me coming back to you in the beginning if we're being perfectly honest… I couldn't give you up and let you go, and even though that's essentially what I'm trying to do here, I still can't bring myself to show a tenth of the selfless you show daily. I can't bring myself to tell you that I want you to get over me and move on with Finn, and love him like a wife is supposed to love a husband, because I would, again, be lying to you, and I think I've done enough of that in regards to you to last a life time. I'll never be the man who wishes you luck and gives his blessing while you're in the arms of another man… I can't and I'm sorry. What I do want for you however, is to be happy. I want you to laugh and smile every day even though I won't be there to see it or be the cause of it, and I want you to live your life to the fullest even with the circumstances you find yourself in. Though the thought of you forgetting me, or no longer loving me, kills me, if that's what it takes for you to be able to move on from the past, and be able to live in the present and future, then you do whatever it takes. If that means you have to become angry with me or even hate me, do it if it makes your new life and future easier to bear… I want you to know that I never have, nor ever will, hate you for anything… I can't when I love you as much as I do, so don't ever think or fear that I do.

Know that I'm missing you, and that I love you with everything that I am...

Bellamy

Two pages', front and back, written in his cursive scrawl, with his love and signature at the bottom…

Pathetic.

She deserved more, yet all he had to show for all she had given him and offer her in return were these wretched, pitiful words.

Shaking his head in disgust at himself, Bellamy folded both pages over twice 'til it was a rectangle before feeling his phone vibrated in his pocket and slipping it out seeing a message from Jones that he was right outside the door. Bellamy quietly stood, leaving everything where it was, and padded over to the door. He silently opened the door, careful not to make a noise that could wake the sleeping woman in the bed across the apartment. Despite the early morning hour, Jones stood there in the hallway, completely alert, holding out the two things his boss asked him to bring. Bellamy took both objects with a nod of thanks and told him to wait downstairs in the car for him, that he wouldn't be long. With a brisk nod and another quick glance to make sure his boss was okay, Jones disappeared down the hall, worried about how pale the other man was and how his hand shook slightly taking the two things from him…

Bellamy closed the door with a soft click, and leaned against it for a moment, taking a deep breath before steeling himself for the final stages of the goodbye. Turning he walked back to the living room, taking the envelope Jones had brought him and tucking his letter inside, not bothering to seal it… He wrote Clarke on the front, and gathered everything up. He put the journal and the pen back where he got them, wanting to leave everything like he'd never even been there. He walked over to the kitchen and grabbed two ibuprofen pills and a bottle of water from the refrigerator, before walking over to the bed and arranging everything he was leaving her out on the nightstand. After that was done, Bellamy took a cursory look around the apartment… He was going to miss this place, but as his eyes rested back on her sleeping form, all he could think was, I'm going to miss her even more. Taking the chance, Bellamy leaned over the bed and kissed her cheek, taking a quick second to enjoy the softness and warmth of her skin and her unique scent… Lavender, and something else he could never identify… Pulling back, he waited with baited breath, and when she didn't stir, he released it. The sun was just beginning to rise, causing light to filter into the apartment, and he knew his time was up… He had to go.

He quickly slipped on his shoes, and started for the door, only to pause two steps away. Other than a few pictures and his own memories, he had nothing to remember her by… After contemplating his silly thought, Bellamy gave in and slipped over to her closet, grabbing one of her dark blue hospital scrub shirts… It had her name monogrammed on it over the left chest, and it smelled just like her. He didn't think she'd notice this one was gone amongst all the others hanging there, so he took it with him, once more heading for the door and reaching it successfully this time. Opening the door was harder this time around… He didn't want to leave. He felt hollow inside, not just emotionally and mentally, but physically as well. It felt like he didn't have a beating heart, or lungs that could breathe for him… Turning back one last time, Bellamy saw everything he'd left on her nightstand… The two pills and water closest to the bed… The letter propped up on the nightstand lamp… His silver saint metal necklace lying beside the letter… Lastly was the flower resting right in front of the letter and pendant… A single stripped carnation, meaning refusal, Sorry I can't be with you., and I wish l could be with you.

As he locked the doorknob and closed the door behind him, it all seemed to finally hit him… He'd left her. He left his heart, and he felt completely empty inside. Bellamy's free hand automatically came up to rub the saint metal she gave him, looking for the comfort that always came from feeling the words she wrote to him brushing against the pad of his thumb, but upon finding it missing and remembering that he left it with his heart, well, that just broke and splintered him even more. It felt as though he was on autopilot as he walked downstairs, his body going through the motions of what he subconsciously knew he needed to do, but the whole time his mind kept asking one thing… What did I just do?

XxxX

Sunday passed in a blur it seemed, but it was still not fast enough for Bellamy. While the emptiness didn't fade, more emotions came to the surface, battering him like waves in a storm… Hopelessness, misery, despondency, and pure despair all descended upon him, and he struggled to cope with it all. He slept horribly for a few hours when he got back to his apartment, woken by the nightmare of her picking up the letter and reading his despicable words before collapsing in anguished sobs at his betrayal and screaming she hated him for doing that to her. He ate some food, only for the purpose of keeping his energy levels up… It had no taste and felt like sawdust in his dry mouth. He ignored calls from his guys, his grandmother, his uncle, Lincoln, Jake, and lastly his father… All of them wanting and expecting something different from him, but he felt that he had nothing left to give anyone, so he ignored them all. When he was alerted by the front desk that his father was downstairs with Vanessa demanding to see him, Bellamy gave the okay for them to be sent up, while quickly grabbing what he needed and escaping down the emergency exit stairs.

He wandered around for who knows how many hours in Central Park… Even then though, the memories of his time there with Clarke accosted him, and it became too much to bear, so he continued walking trying not to think of her, and failing. Eventually Bellamy found himself standing on the street opposite of Clarke's apartment… He didn't remember making the conscious decision to go there. Rule number one was never return to the scene of the crime, yet, there he stood in jeans and a dark hoodie covering his head looking up at the windows of her apartment, wanting to catch a glimpse of her, but at the same time praying he didn't.

Upon close inspection, Bellamy saw that there was no movement in the windows and the dark apartment looked uninhabited. But, just because it looked empty, didn't mean that was actually the case. Bellamy wondered if she was up there right that moment… He wondered what she was doing or what she was thinking… Had she read his letter? Was she furious with him, or hate him? Was she even awake? He didn't know what the exact time was, but the sun was slowly lowering in the sky, so sometime in the late afternoon maybe? She had to be awake, unless she was still sleeping to avoid things… The letter, his absence when she woke, her surely pounding head... God, he hoped she was taking care of herself…

Then there was of course the option that he was looking at just an empty apartment, and she had gone to church that morning and stayed out the whole day, or that maybe she had been called in to the hospital. He didn't know, he just knew he missed her and hated himself for hurting her, even if it was for her own good and the preservation of his own well-being.

Turning away, Bellamy began walking back through the park, towards his apartment. He was slow, taking his time, yet being aware of his surroundings… He didn't want to repeat the mistake he made last time he was there to get away to think, even though it turned out to be the best thing to happen to him in his life.

As he walked, Bellamy knew he should be at his apartment thinking and making plans for his departure from the city he had called home for over two thirds of his life. He had to get the ball rolling on moving right away, because that was going to take a year minimum to move, and that was being optimistic. But as he thought of it all and what he had to do, more and more questions invade his thoughts… Where is it he'd be moving to? Who was coming with him? When were they going to leave officially and never come back? What would they take? How would it happen? How long would it actually take? Would it be successful? How big of a hit would this move be to his company?

As these questions circled in his mind, they faded to the background as he thought of her again, wondering if she was okay in that moment, wherever she was, doing whatever she was doing. As much as he wished he didn't want to, he wondered if she missed him as much as he already missed her. He knew he was brooding, and moping a little, but after everything, Bellamy figured he could at least take the day for himself to pine for everything he lost, and get back to the real world tomorrow. It briefly occurred to him that he was in the last stage of grief… Acceptance. The real question was, What came after acceptance? All Bellamy wanted to do was sleep dreamlessly through the years he knew it was going to take, until he could play through his memories of her without the hollow ache in his chest threatening to swallow him whole and consume him 'til nothing was left.

As he wandered over Bow Bridge, Bellamy stopped at the stone railing, wanting to further delay his return to his suffocating prison of an apartment… There was a light breeze blowing off the water, ruffling Bellamy's hair, and throwing it in his eyes. Running his hand through it to brush it out of the way, Bellamy dropped his hand and clutched the stone barrier, recalled how much Clarke seemed to love running her hands through it… If he focused hard enough, he could almost feel her fingers slipping through the strands… Closing his eyes against the painful thump his heart gave in his chest, Bellamy tried shaking the remembrance away, but it clung to him, dredging up the memory of the night they got together, and how he had fallen asleep on her chest listening to the calming, steady rhythmic beating of her heart as she combed her finger through his hair, lulling him to sleep. The ache in his chest spiked to an intense acute stab, leaving him gasping for breath as the pain oh so slowly throbbed away back to the dull ache he was beginning to get used to. Well, it looked like it was time to get his hair cut…

XxxX

Very early Monday morning, Bellamy walked into his mostly empty office building with a fresh short haircut, a cleanly shaven face, and his suit pressed, looking immaculate as ever. The only things that gave away his heartache and despair were his eyes, and the dark circles under them. He was still clueless as to the details of what would happen, but knew that a plan would soon be made, seeing as how he was still set on his decision that they needed to leave… The sooner the better.

Other than essential personnel, like security, no one else should have been there at that time of the morning… That's the reason he was getting there so early, so he would just miss all the people who arrived early to work. However, what he was not expecting was to be stopped by Antonio before he got on the elevator to go to his office, and lead to the conference room off the large main security office. There, sitting on the large table, was a white box that immediately drew Bellamy's attention, and his unease.

"What's going on." Bellamy stated calmly, not letting his anxiety leak through. It was an order, not a question.

Antonio cleared his throat and shuffled his feet a bit, not looking at Bellamy, which only made Bellamy even more uneasy… What could possibly have his head of security acting like this? Nothing fazed Antonio, ever.

"This was hand delivered for you this morning." He said simply, confusing Bellamy. If he got delivered packages they were swept through security and checked thoroughly before being delivered to his office, if it was legitimate that is… If not, a report was written and pictures were taken of the contents before being disposed of. What was different about this package? Wait, did he say hand delivered?

"Okay… Who was it delivered by? Was it searched?" Bellamy asked a bit annoyed by the lack of information he was being given.

"No, it wasn't searched… I figured you wouldn't appreciate that and that it wasn't necessary in this case." The big man said, still avoiding the most crucial information.

Bellamy raised an eyebrow, giving him a look that clearly said 'quit-screwing-around-and-spit-it-out-already-before-I-go-thurmonuclear'.

"It was Clarke." Antonio said quietly, looking Bellamy square in the eye for the first time since entering the room. Bellamy froze, and his heart accelerated upon hearing those words. "Clarke delivered it and said it was for you."

"Let me see the security footage." Bellamy demanded immediately. Antonio fumbled with the iPad Bellamy hadn't noticed was in the other man's hand, before bringing up what his Boss asked for.

Bellamy took the device from Antonio and tapped the play arrow. Immediately, the crystal clear CCTV footage showed four different camera angle views of the lobby. As he watched, it wasn't hard to spot her when she walked in, stopping a little shy of the revolving doors… She looked so tired and lost, but so beautiful with her hair braided over her shoulder and her dark blue scrubs on. She stuck out like a sore thumb of course, in her hospital scrubs amongst the suit-clad security milling about the building, doing their initial checks before the work day officially began. One such guard stopped her kindly and began talking with her… He looked to be very professional about the whole conversation, and accommodating to her, which pleased Bellamy immensely for a split second before that was gone, and he watched as she gave him a weak smile of, what he presumed was, thanks, before the guard walked off.

She stood there for a minute holding the box in her hands, and looking at her feet, shuffling on her feet every few seconds, raising a hand from the box to lift the strap of her big bag higher on her shoulder… She looked so tiny under all that weight, and so defeated by the set of her shoulders, it crushed him to see her like that… He did that to her. He had a hard time remembering this was a video taken a little less than hour or so ago- 5:37 A.M. according to the time stamp on the corner of the screen- and that she wasn't standing in his lobby just through a couple of doors. She would have been on her way to a shift at the hospital that started at 6 then, so she'd already be there by now.

Focusing on the video again, he watched as Antonio came out of the security office and walked over to Clarke, offering some sort of greeting with a small smile, before leading her out of the way of the doors and prying eyes of other people, to a small corner by the empty front desk with a hand on the small of her back. Bellamy watched enraptured as Clarke gently set the box on the counter and rested her hand on the top of it, her eyes lingering on it for a moment before turning to Antonio and saying a few things. Antonio solemnly nodded twice, and she smiled feebly at him, quickly hugging him to Antonio's obvious surprise, before pulling away and bolting for the front revolving door, not looking back as she exited the building. She wasn't quick enough that Bellamy didn't catch her discreetly wipe her cheeks with the hand that wasn't clutching the strap of her bag, as if she were wiping tears away.

"What did she say to you?" Bellamy asked in a strangled voice.

Antonio cleared his throat as Bellamy watched on screen as Antonio took the box and walked back into the security office, as soon as Clarke was gone. "She asked me to make sure you got the box, and to keep you safe. No matter what."

"Leave." Bellamy said monotonously after a moment, his eyes now glued to the box. Antonio slipped from the room after taking the tablet from his Boss's out stretched hand, and closed the door behind him with a resounding click that echoed through the still room.

After a moment, Bellamy approached the table where the box lay, and examined it. It was just a plain white cardboard box… The type of box clothing was usually wrapped up in from a department store. Finally gathering up the nerve, Bellamy lifted the top of the box off and dropped it to the side, taking in the contents of the box with an anguished heartbroken expression. It felt as though the world was crashing down around him, again, and for all he cared it could have been, as he began to look at everything she had left him with…

The biggest thing taking up the most room was the bouquet of withered daffodil and hyacinth flowers… The flowers he had given her a little over a week and a half ago. Bellamy didn't need to look up the meaning of bouquet of withered flowers to know they meant rejected love. It broke him to know that's how she viewed everything that had happened in the last 48 hours, and in a way, she was right… He had rejected her love, even though he had desperately not wanted to, and returned her love whole heartedly.

There was also a small yellow Manilla envelope tucked between the flower stems and the bottom of the shallow box. Slipping it out with trembling hands, Bellamy first noticed a weight to it before opening it and gently shaking the contents out onto the table… A folded piece of paper and his saint metal necklace fell out, clattering to the table.

He picked up the saint metal first, and held the familiar weight in his hand before running his thumb over the comforting words he had memorized on the back. For a good man, in both name and deed. You are so special to me.

Swallowing thickly against the burning lump in the back of his throat, Bellamy reached for the folded paper next with his free hand, clutching the necklace in the fist of his other. As he opened it, two objects he hadn't noticed wrapped up in the paper, fell to the table. The first he noticed was the two tickets to the picture show out in California, paper clipped together. The next was the membership card to the Met that he had given her the night of their trip to the museum. Focusing back on the paper he confirmed that there was a short bit of writing for him, and so with a heavy reluctant heart, he began to read…

Bellamy,

I remember everything I said last night. I also remember meaning every single word, but I understand. I understand that you can't take the risk of your greatest fears coming true and that your trying to protect me. I want you to know that I forgive you for anything and everything you believe in your mind you need forgiveness from me for, including leaving… But for me, there is nothing to forgive. I want you to know that I don't see or hold you responsible for the tough decisions you've made on behalf of us both… That you had to make those tough choices and sacrifices, the fault lies solely with me. Forgive me? Forgive me for being the weak one and not picking you over them… Know that I wanted to with all my heart. I still trust you… I will always trust you. I trust you to always do the right thing that's in the best interest of those you care about, and, if what you said in your letter is to be believed as the truth, that includes me too. So, I guess by that logic leaving is the right thing to do, I just wish it didn't have to happen.

To answer your question, yes, it did hurt to see you, but I know it must have hurt you more to have to see me. I understand why you have to leave, truly, I do, and to an extent I agree, it would only hurt us both in the long run. I must confess that even though it tears me apart and goes against everything in my being, I know I have to physically let you go now, but I don't think in my heart I will ever be able to.

I am not as selfless or perfect as you think I am, and so I too cannot bring myself to tell you to move on and love another woman… Not when I couldn't hear you say to me even once, those words you claim to feel. We had our time together, and in that time, you stole my heart, and I will never regret that. So know that, wherever you go, you carry it with you. I will treasure every moment we had together, as I too had hoped and longed for a future for us both together. You say you're weak, but I believe that's the furthest from the truth… It will be difficult, but I know you're going to be okay. People say that with time, things heal and won't hurt like they did before… That's all I pray for you. I don't want you to hurt or suffer. You asked me to be careful and be safe, and so I too must ask you to please, for my sake, do not do anything reckless or take risks that could get you hurt or killed.

With all my love,

Clarke

P.S.- I can't accept the tickets or the membership card… Both are thing I don't want to do without you, and since I can't have you, I don't want them. The necklace is yours… I gave it to you, and I beg you now, to please keep it.

The letter was fully shaking in his hands by the time he finished reading it… She wasn't angry. She wasn't disappointed. She was pained, resigned, and accepting… Very much like he was. It was like she'd been expecting this to go the way it had, but still hoping against hope that it wouldn't turn out this way. Bellamy let the letter drop to the table, but refused to drop his necklace. What was he supposed to do now? He couldn't see her again, he just couldn't, but he ran the risk of just that by staying in the city until he left for good. He couldn't leave permanently just quite yet because he had things that needed to be done before he officially departed… Like find a place to move to, move his company as quietly as possible (which would be a feat in and of itself), and move all his men and assets secretly, before announcing to his father he was leaving. It was crucial his father not know he was leaving until the very last minute, so Bellamy would be gone when the fall out hit of his father realizing his oldest son left not only him, but his Family as well. Damian would be pissed, but Bellamy would be long gone by then to deal with his fathers wrath.

What he needed, was to leave for a few weeks, before coming back. He needed to get his mind right, and figure some shit out, and prepare… The anger that had left him earlier in the week came back with a vengeance, and that's exactly what he wanted… Revenge. That's what came after acceptance… Not just any revenge however, but revenge that he could actually take out on someone. Someone had to pay for what happened… Not Clarke or himself… Not even Jake or Damian… It went back to the source. The reason they were in this whole mess to begin with… The Canadians who picked a fight, they now had no chance of winning, all because they had unknowingly provoked his rage and his ire, and now they were going to get the full brunt of it.

Slipping the necklace over his head and tucking it out of sight under his shirt, Bellamy put the other stuff back into the envelope, all save for the letter. The letter he tucked into the inner pocket of his suit jacket, putting everything else back in the box before closing it once more. Grabbing the box, he left the room, finding Antonio outside the door waiting for him.

"Call the guys." Bellamy directed as he began to walk to the elevator the would take him to his office. "Tell them were leaving today and won't be back for about a week and a half, maybe a little less, so to hand the things that need to be taken care of immediately and can't be put off, over to whomever is their second in charge in order to take that time off of work. I want everyone at the club in three hours, so we can get equipment." Antonio was nodding and typing away on his phone doing as his Boss was directing him and taking notes. Bellamy walked into the waiting elevator, Antonio following him into the metal box, knowing he hadn't been dismissed yet. As the doors closed, Bellamy continued. "I want all the men who are loyal to me ready to report to me in Seattle tomorrow night… I don't care how they get there, just that they get there. I'm thinking everyone that handled that Bronx drug problem a while back will do, and anyone else you can think of. The jet needs to be fueled and waiting on standby for the nine of us to leave today. We will need cars waiting at the airport in Seattle, all SUV's, tinted windows, the works. You know what I like." The elevator dinged signaling they reached the top floor. Bellamy kept walking to his office, ignoring Roma's forced chipper greeting as she stood there with his coffee. When he was safely ensconced in his office with Antonio, the doors closed and locked behind him, he kept giving his orders while moving around his office getting ready for his departure. The white box was put on the small conference table in his office, and left there. "I want Jones and Adam, when he returns next week, put on security here while I'm gone… Maybe give them paid leave if they're not needed here. I don't know. It's up to you to figure something out." Bellamy said relenting. He had more serious issues to deal with. "We're going to Code Red… Tell whomever needs to know, and keep all of this quiet. I don't want anyone, meaning my father or uncle, knowing. Oh, and before you go, get me the number for this person… I need it pronto." He said scribbling the name down on a sticky note, and handing it over.

Antonio nodded and left in a hurry, needing all the time he could get to get done all he had to do. Bellamy quickly grabbed everything he needed from his desk and office, and left, locking everything up behind him, seeing as how he would not be returning for quite a long time, before heading down the hall to Sinclair's office. With the other man's secretary absent, Bellamy was forced to knock and wait for a signal to enter… He wasn't a complete asshole without manners. Besides, he liked Sinclair.

When Bellamy entered, it looked as though Sinclair had just gotten there and was settling in to work… Bellamy felt a stab of guilt for all he was about to dump on the unassuming man, but Bellamy shrugged it away… This had to happen.

Looking up, Sinclair was obviously surprised to see Bellamy there… Bellamy hardly ever came to his office, except on rare occasions. Standing, Sinclair walked around his desk and shook hands with Bellamy, greeting him with genuine warmth and respect, which Bellamy returned. "Let's sit and talk about whatever it is you've come to see me about." Sinclair said, getting to the crux of the issue immediately, not caring to dawdle about. There was a reason Bellamy liked Sinclair…

As soon as they sat across from each other in the small sitting area similar to Bellamy's, Bellamy dove right in. "Something's come up, and I've got to leave immediately… Family emergency you could say." Bellamy shrugged at Sinclair's raised eyebrows… No one knew much about Bellamy's family other than what could be found online, which wasn't much, so it could be true, and technically it was. "I don't know how long I'll be gone, or when I'll be back," Bellamy continued, "so I'm leaving you in charge as Acting CEO." Sinclair nodded, not questioning his boss. After handing over all the important paperwork he'd had on his desk, Bellamy continued explaining what he'd been doing, and what needed to be done in order for Sinclair to pick up where he'd left off.

After he was done explaining what needed to be explained, Bellamy took a deep breath and told him the second half of what he had to say. "We're leaving… As in this company, my company, is moving… Well, just the headquarters anyway." Sinclair's face showed his shock and disbelief, but Bellamy continued talking. "There are a lot of things that will need to be done…"

"Wait," Sinclair said, sounding a little lost. "Where is the headquarters moving to?"

Bellamy again shrugged, "I don't know that exactly, but I've got good people on it, finding us the new location. Everything outside of New York can stay the same… All the businesses, assets, branch offices, etcetera can remain as it is, but, everything else here in the city… Hell, in the state, has to either be moved, or sold. So, what I want you to get started on doing while I'm gone is I want you to start getting us ready for the move, meaning, stopping any new mergers and taking no new projects that would go through us here in headquarters, at least for the next year or so while were moving and getting ourselves situated in the new location. Also, start liquidating smaller assets and properties so we'll have money on hand for this transfer… I want to wait on liquidating anything big though, until we know where we'll be moving to and can run numbers on how much it will all cost."

Sinclair stopped the scribbling he'd been doing on a yellow legal pad, and asked, "Should we start laying off staff or make an internal announcement?"

Bellamy immediately began shaking his head. "No. I don't want anyone to know what's going on, so for now, this will stay strictly between you and I… Not even your secretary is to know about this. You understand?" Bellamy asked gravely. Sinclair nodded solemnly. "Continue on with the projects and mergers we already have going on, just don't start anything new here. Quietly sell off some of the smaller office building and restaurants that don't make huge profits but will be sold at a good price, and if anyone asks or panics, just say it's business as usual… Which it will be. We sell things off all the time. If someone notices that here at headquarters we're not doing anything new, just say were taking a small break to review all our assets and properties to ensure everything is in order and up to code… Which we will be doing once we settle in where ever we relocate to. When the time comes, we'll offer moving packages for those who want to come with us, or severance packages and recommendations for those who want to stay… If they stay, we'll just have to hire locally from where ever we end up. You'll have that choice too, stay or go. I'd hate to lose you, but I'll understand, seeing as how your family is established here and everything."

"I was here at the start, so I'll go where ever the company goes Bellamy, but I feel I must ask, are you sure about this? About moving? We might not recover fully, because this will be a hit…" Sinclair said uncertain. Bellamy would have felt the same way if he were in Sinclair's position, and his boss came to him with this plan out of the blue, with seemingly no thought put into it… But the awful white box and its contents came to mind, and the letter in his left breast pocket felt heavy pressing against his chest.

"Yes. I'm sure." Bellamy said resolute. "There is nothing left in New York for us anymore… If we never recover, then I'll spend the rest of my life and my fortune trying to fill the gap and fix it, but we've got to go."

Sinclair nodded slowly, seeing the conviction in the other man's eyes. "Okay. I'll work on this while you're gone… Dealing with whatever you'll be dealing with."

Bellamy nodded relieved it would be taken care of, and that Sinclair would be coming with him, well, the company. Truthfully, if he wasn't coming, that would have been the real hit that the company would have never recovered from.

Sinclair spoke up, looking at everything laid out in front of him. "When are you leaving?"

"Immediately, like as in within the hour."

"Okay, have you cancelled all your appointments?" He asked looking up.

"No, not yet. That was next on my list of things to do." Bellamy said.

"I can take care of that for you…" Sinclair offered. "I'll look at what you have set up, and either cancel it, or have it moved over to my schedule because I'll need some of those meetings, so you'll be helping me out really."

"Be my guest." Bellamy said with a small smile. "You and your secretary can go see mine right now if you've got the time. I've still got to figure out what to do with her while I'm gone." Bellamy said in disdain.

"I guess she's not a keeper." Sinclair said amused. Bellamy and his difficulty finding the right secretary were a source of such great amusement for the whole top floor.

"Hell no." Bellamy responded. "If you want her to work for you, you can bring her over here to help out, otherwise she's going to HR to be assigned somewhere else while I'm gone."

"We'll see. I'm quite happy with Brianna, but she and I might need more help with all of this." He said motioning to the work laid out in front of him. "I'll make the decision after we clear your schedule." He said standing up, and heading for the door peaking his head out to speak with his secretary. Bellamy's phone vibrated in his pocket… A text message from Antonio with the number he asked for flashed across the screen. Rather than go back to his already locked up office, Bellamy asked Sinclair if he could use his office for a moment before he left, while Sinclair was out with his secretary. Sinclair agreed of course, said his goodbyes, wishing Bellamy luck with whatever was going on, and left, closing his office door behind him.

Bellamy waited for a moment, listening for two pairs of shoes walk away from the door and down the hall, before slowly walking over to stand in front of the desk and picking up the office phone off the receiver…. He needed this conversation hidden, where no one would ever find it, and using Sinclair's phone ensured the likelihood that it wouldn't be found. He dialed the number from the text message, and waited three rings before a feminine lilting voice answered.

"It's Blake." He murmured. "Are you in town? Good. We need to meet, some place quiet and private. Be at our usual spot in thirty minutes."

Did I say the end of February? I meant the beginning of April. This chapter was way harder to finish than I thought it would be. Sorry about that. I'm sure some of you were disappointed that what was implied at the end of last chapter didn't actually happen, but I think I clearly expressed why it couldn't happen. So, Bellamy's got a plan, and we'll see a little of that next chapter, along with a time jump of about 6 weeks. I hope you won't judge Clarke or Bellamy too harshly this chapter... To me this was them at their rawest, truest selves, showing what they both wanted most, and become accepting and resigned to their supposed fates. Also, it's easy for you as the reader to know what Bellamy is thinking/feeling as I'm writing from his pov, but harder to know for Clarke as it's all being seen through his eyes, so I needed to write her feelings and thoughts to be spoken and acted rather than all internalized and guessed to death by Bellamy. Make a little sense? I've sat down and planned the next several chapters out, and I've got their reunion tentatively planned for Chapter 30... This is of course contingent on how long the chapters 27-29 get and whether I need to split them up. Believe me, I'd rather not have to do that. Thank you to my readers... I love you all. Until next time.

-Redhead17x (Come find me on Tumblr under the same name!)

PS- I'd like to start responding to my reviews, so I'm gonna try to get back into the habit of doing that, so bear with me. If you have any questions as a guest, you can inbox me on Tumblr as an anon, and I'll be able to respond directly instead of here at the end of the next chapter.