A/N: Posting late and without time to reread…all mistakes are mine…more clues are being revealed…we're getting closer to the big revelation…hopefully more in two days if not before…take care…your reviews mean the world to me…Kathy…
A soft knock on the door caused Gil to stir, and he quickly awakened as Sara slept peacefully curled up next to him.
Early daylight streamed in through the closed shades, causing Grissom to check his watch and marvel at the early hour.
He had refused dinner for Sara when they brought her tray the night before, realizing that she needed sleep more than food at the moment.
He was, however, unprepared for the fact that he had joined her as she had slept over 12 hours and immediately he reached over to caress her face in a move designed to assure himself of her well-being.
A second knock found the door opening and a wheelchair preceding the familiar face.
"Good morning, Dr. Grissom," Mary smiled as she spoke in tones that showed her recognition of Sara's sleeping state.
"Hi, Mary…uh, Sara's still asleep," he responded softly as he turned his attention towards the woman he was shifting carefully onto the pillows before taking his leave of her.
"Well, we can give her a few more minutes before I take her," the nurse spoke calmly but was immediately assailed by Gil's questions.
"Where are you taking her? No one mentioned that she was going to have any tests. I'm not sure Sara's exactly ready to submit to anymore poking or prodding," he insisted.
Mary smiled reassuringly as she had moved towards the shades and was opening them slightly to allow more natural light into the room.
"No more tests, Dr. Grissom, I assure you. Dr. West wanted to see Sara before his rounds this morning."
Confused, Gil whipped his head around and was about to inquire as to the need for the wheelchair when the nurse continued.
"Dr. West asked me to bring Sara to his office so that they wouldn't be disturbed by any interference from the floor nurses," she finished as if the whole matter was not at all unusual.
Grissom nodded as he turned towards Sara to help awaken her, only to be stopped by Mary's hand on his forearm.
"Why don't you let me do that? You stayed with her all night, why not take this time to run on home and shower before you come back? Maybe pack a bag for Sara? If I'm not going out on too long of a limb here, I'm wondering if the doctor might not even send her home today."
"I'm not leaving her, Mary. I should be with her when she goes to her checkup," Gil asked, his brain was faltering in wrapping around the rush of information he was receiving.
Memories from Sara's last lengthy admission caused Mary to choose a different tack in dealing with Grissom's overprotective nature.
"It won't be necessary for you to take her, Dr. Grissom. Dr. West is going to talk with Sara and check over her bruises. He won't be needing your help to do that," Mary said with a finality that actually startled Gil.
"In other words, he doesn't want me there," Grissom pouted almost angrily, but when Mary failed to respond he inhaled and tried to remember the promise he had made to Ian not to interfere with Sara's care in exchange for full access to her room, effectively circumventing hospital policy on visiting hours.
Allowing him a moment to overcome his objectives, Mary smiled brightly at Gil and gave him a promise to stay with Sara until his return.
As he began one more valiant attempt at cajoling her to allow him to stay, from behind a sleep-laden voice softly intoned, "Gil…it's fine…"
Two heads turned as Gil moved to sit on her bedside with an almost pleading look.
Grasping his hands, Sara smiled a bit and looked directly into his eyes as she repeated, "It's fine…Mary will be with me until you get back."
Sighing, he replied, "Fine…but I won't be long," and turning to Mary he again pouted with, "and I won't like it."
With a firm kiss to her forehead and another softer peck on the lips, Gil sighed and moved towards the door without looking back, as if the action would cause him to change his mind.
Outside the door, Gil paused as he greeted the officer on guard with a look that stated his warning for vigilance more clearly than any statement.
As he left, he heard the sounds of Sara's soft laughter as she responded to Mary's comments on his reluctance to leave.
The sound filled his heart with an aching need to hold her close, protect her from any further harm, and create a perfect hideaway for her to have happiness surround her for the rest of her days.
As he walked towards the elevators, a single thought was taking hold:
Maybe it was time for us to leave Vegas…
gsrgsrgsrgsrgsrgsr
"Sara! Thanks for coming," Ian West greeted them as he held the door open for Mary to wheel in his patient.
After a quick exam of her healing wounds, Mary helped Sara with her hospital gown and wheeled her closer to the doctor's desk.
"Thanks, Mary. I'll page you when we're done," he smiled at the nurse who patted Sara's shoulders and reminded her that she'd be close by.
Sara sat staring at the doctor as he made some short notes in her chart and then closed the file before resting against the back of her chair.
Tensing a bit, she realized the reason he wanted to speak to her without Gil present.
Taking a moment to study Sara's expression, Ian smiled softly and said, "Relax, Sara. I'm not here to give you a hard time."
Relaxing slightly, Sara exhaled deeply and looked anywhere but at the man who was waiting for an answer.
Finally, as a full minute ticked by, she looked back into the kind eyes across from her and said, "It was my choice. I didn't see the need to burden him any further."
Sighing quietly, Ian refused to go down the "blame road" with this woman who had endured so much in her life.
After refusing to speak with the hospital psychologist during her last hospitalization, she and Dr. West had agreed that he'd suspend the mandatory counseling interview if Sara would talk informally with him.
A truly gentle man, Sara found herself opening up to him about her family situation and some stories about her time in foster care.
Her trust would be tried as she insisted that Dr. West not inform Grissom of the miscarriage she had suffered due to the trauma of her desert ordeal at the hands of Natalie.
Despite his efforts, she had not budged on the issue, citing her desire to wait for the "right time" to broach the subject with the man she loved.
"So here we are years later and you've never given him the opportunity to grieve for a child he lost."
The words were hurtful when placed in this connotation, but Sara steadfastly held to her position.
"Gil already blamed himself for my getting hurt…how devastated do you think he'd be if he knew that he was instrumental in killing our baby?" Sara spat.
"Do you really believe that, Sara?" the doctor leaned forward, listening intently to her choice of words.
"What? That he'd be devastated? Of course I believe that!" she snarled and looked away from the quiet calm of the man before her.
"No…you said 'if he knew that he was instrumental in killing your baby'…do you really believe that he was, Sara?" Ian asked quietly.
Her head whipped around and her mouth hung open trying to answer.
Leaning back, the doctor continued, "You still have many unaddressed hurts in your lifetime, Sara. I'm just wondering how these might be affecting your relationship with Gil."
Sara wrung her hands unconsciously as she spoke, "I'm fine. Gil and I are just fine."
Smiling, Ian responded, "He loves you very much. I believe he'd lay down his life for you, Sara."
One side of her mouth lifted up sadly as she nodded her head in response.
Leaning forward, "And I believe you feel that you must hide away your own life for him. That's not love, Sara." Ian shook his head as he relaxed back against his chair.
Her protest was swift and decisive.
"You know nothing about me! Don't sit there and tell me what love is, doctor! I would never raise a hand or a voice to Gil!"
Her voice trembled as her lips followed in turn.
"I know what it is like to lose a child! I know the pain of holding on to something and then having to give it away! I would never want Gil to go through that pain, to feel so helpless and to know that it was all your fault…all your f-f-fault," her words breaking up as her shoulders began to shake.
A warm hand clasped over hers as she felt Ian slip into a chair pulled alongside her.
His other arm crossed to her shoulders and he held her to his side as cried as silently as she could.
After a moment, her calm returned somewhat and when tissues were used and discarded, Sara surprised even herself as she found herself telling this fatherly doctor about the baby she gave up for adoption while a freshman at Harvard.
The tale ended without interruption, and finally Sara looked up expecting to find chastisement in the man's eyes.
Instead, there was only sorrow and understanding.
He silently bade her to continue, and with a renewed sense of purpose Sara pushed on.
"And that is the regret and the self-doubt I live with, Ian," she spoke as she looked at him with a sense of remorse so keen as to make the seasoned doctor cringe.
"And that is what I would never allow Gil to live with," she ended as she pulled away into her own space.
"So…this baby that you…miscarried…wasn't your first pregnancy," Ian asked to clarify the situation.
Shaking her head, Sara sat upright with shoulders a bit too tense.
"And Gil doesn't know about either pregnancy," the doctor added, seeing the effects of his question on her posture.
"And he won't," she turned to glare at him almost in confrontation, "he worries enough about me. And I am fine now."
"Well," Ian began facetiously, "that's quite a burden you've chosen to shoulder alone, Sara. If I had someone who loved me as much as Gil Grissom loves you, I'd trust him enough to help share that weight."
Shaking her head, Sara let slip out the one real truth that stopped her from ever telling Gil her full story.
"I'm damaged goods, doctor. Gil loves the woman he knows, the woman he's been allowed to know."
A tear slipped out as she added, "He knows enough about my past…I really don't think knowing the whole story would make me look that attractive of a package to hang onto as he maneuvers through his life."
"In other words, you don't trust him."
Shocked, Sara argued, "I trust him with my life."
Ian retorted, "Just not with the story of your life."
Silence hung heavy in the room.
Not wanting to minimize the effects of this session, asked, "Did you ever try to find your child? A daughter?" he guessed.
Sara nodded on both counts.
"After I moved to San Francisco, I contacted the hospital who sent me to agency after agency. Finally I was sent a form to fill out and leave on file. If my daughter's adoptive parents agreed, they could contact me. When she turned 18, she would have my contact information sent to her directly if she ever tried to find me."
After a moment where Sara seemed lost in thought, Ian asked, "I'm to assume no one ever contacted you?"
Her face was expressionless as she shook her head in response.
"Sara," Ian leaned towards her and cupped her face in his hand.
"You know I would never repeat anything you told me here…to anyone…but I am urging you to talk to Gil about everything we've discussed here."
Sara tried to pull away, but Ian kept a firm but gentle grip on her face.
"Sara, you're quite easy to feel protective over," he smiled as he released her chin and patted her hand.
"Carrying around the guilt over your pregnancies is only hurting you. It is coloring your interactions and keeping you from a full relationship with Gil. You're underestimating the bond he's created with you."
Seeing as she was really listening to what he was saying, Ian continued, " Sara, I'm honored that you chose to confide in me all these things that you've kept locked up inside you all these years."
He added quickly, "Although it is unusual, I don't believe you are in need of counseling at this point in your life."
Sara was stunned at this statement for in the past everyone was always pushing her towards the "salvation" of the therapist's couch.
To clarify his words, the doctor said, "In your case, I believe it would be best if you had someone close to you to help you deal with the sorrows of the past in order to help you dig out of these walls you've erected around yourself."
She was still reeling over the doctor's words as she felt his hand close over hers again.
"Will you do something for me, Sara?"
Her eyes locked onto his as she nodded without reservation.
"I just want you to think about everything we've spoken about today. And when you feel ready, will you think about sharing some more of your story with Gil?"
Not entirely expecting a response, Dr. West stood up and moved toward his phone to page Mary.
As they waited, Ian sat down at his desk and smiled at Sara.
"I'm discharging you today after you get some food in you, young lady. I want you to rest and take it easy for at least two weeks."
Raising his hand to forestall her protests, he scribbled some words on a prescription pad and handed it to Mary as she approached his desk.
"We're kicking this one to the curb, Mary," he said cheekily, and even Sara had to smile.
Mary took the papers and moved to the back of the wheelchair as Sara locked eyes with the kind doctor.
"When you're ready, call me and we'll talk some more, okay?" he asked quietly, and was rewarded with a full Sidle Smile.
"Now, get her some food and call that young man of hers, Mary," the doctor sat back and added, "we want her home and happy by the end of the afternoon."
Sara gave him a soft wave as her chair turned and soon was out of sight.
Ian sat back in the silence of his office, allowing his sadness for his young patient to come to the surface before signing off on her casefile and placing it in his outbox.