Wilma and Betty: Melville J. Muchrocks is a crook.
Fred: Muchrocks a crook? Are you sure?
Wilma: Absolutely, he's wanted by the police.
Betty: We heard him described to a T.
Fred: Wilma, do you know where they went?
Wilma: They said they were going to the amusement park and then to dinner. Oh my poor mother.
Fred: Don't you worry sweetheart, you leave it to me. Barney.
Barney: Yeah Fred?
Fred: C'mon, let's go.
Barney: Right Fred.
Fred: You ever play football, Barney?
Barney: Yeah Fred, why?
Fred: Because you're going to run interference while I intercept a proposal.
Barney: Frederick! Frederick! I HATE FREDERICK!
Wilma: I work hard all day, too, and what do I get? A lot of yak from you. You at least get out everyday, see things, talk to people. I never get out of this cave.
Fred: Where's your get up and go?
Barney: It just got up and went.
Fred: I love my dear sweet mother in-law. My mother in-law is a doll.
Attendant: Are you feeling alright, mister?
Fred: Huh? Yeah. Yeah, I'm okay.
Attendant: Good. Good. You just stay in here and rest. That hot sun out there is a killer.
Fred: Poor guy, he must have been standing in it for hours.
Fred: Yeah, you laugh. You'll see, Barn, they know me in this bank, they'll help me right a way.
Bank Clerk: Look, pals, it's Fred Flintstone.
Fred: Yeah, hi. I'd like to lent some money here.
Bank Clerk: Ha ha ha ha! See that, pals? Fred Flintstone wants money. Ha ha ha ha ha!
Betty: Sometimes I just don't know what's the matter with men.
Barney: That's easy - you women!
Fred: How can you be so stupid?
Barney: Hey, that's not very nice. Say you're sorry.
Fred: I'm sorry you're stupid.
Mr. Spacely: Jetson! Thank goodness you're still here! I've got some good news and some bad news...
George: What's the bad news, Mr. Spacely?
Mr. Spacely: We've discovered a very dangerous computer virus that you have to stop right away!
George: But that could take months! By the way... what's the good news?
Mr. Spacely: The good news is I don't have to do it! 'Bye now!
George Jetson: JANE! STOP THIS CRAZY THING!
[The fourth grade class, including Bart, is singing "Jingle Bells" in the school Christmas pageant.]
Marge: Oh, listen to Bart. Doesn't he sound like an angel?
[All the other kids sing "Jingle Bells" correctly while Bart sings inappropriately by choosing alternate lyrics]
Bart: Oh, Jingle Bells, Batman smells, Robin laid an egg. The Batmobile broke it's wheel, the Joker got awa-hey!
[Skinner yanks Bart out of the choir and Homer is displeased with his misbehavior.]
(Bart and Barney are trying to convince Homer to go to the dogtrack and bet his paycheck to get Christmas money)
Bart: Come on, Dad. If TV has taught me anything, it's that miracles always happen to poor kids at Christmas. It happened to Tiny Tim, it happened to Charlie Brown, it happened to The Smurfs, and it's gonna happen to us.
Homer: Oh, okay, let's go. (as Barney, Bart, and Homer are leaving) Who's Tiny Tim?
(Bart goes to the Happy Sailor Tattoo Parlor)
Bart: One "Mother," please.
Tattoo Artist: Wait a minute. How old are you?
Bart: 21, sir.
Tattoo Artist: Get in the chair.
Homer: [picks up the phone] Yello.
Patty: [voice from the phone] Marge, please.
Homer: Who is it?
Patty: [voice] May I please speak to Marge?
Homer: [unsure] This is one of her sisters, isn't it?
Patty: [voice] Is Marge there?
Homer: [annoyed] Who shall I say is calling?!
Patty: [voice] Marge, please.
Homer: [dressed as Santa with Bart on his lap] And what's your name, Bart...ner... uh, little partner?
Bart: I'm Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you?
After Homer reveals he took the job as a mall Santa because there is no money for presents
Bart: I am impressed, Dad. You must really love us to do something so demeaning.
[The family is playing Scrabble.]
Bart: My turn. Kwyjibo. K-W-Y-J-I-B-O, 22 points, plus triple word score, plus 50 points for using all my letters. Game's over, I'm outta here.
[Bart's about to leave, but Homer grabs his arm.]
Homer: Wait a minute, you little cheater. You're not going anywhere until you tell me what a kwyjibo is.
Bart: Kwyjibo. Uh... [looks at Homer] a big, dumb, balding North American ape. With no chin.
Marge: And a short temper.
Homer: I'll show you a big, dumb, balding ape! [chases Bart]
Bart: Uh-oh! Kwyjibo on the loose!
Bart: Dad, I got to tell you something, hope you won't be too mad.
Homer: What is it, son?
Bart: I'm not a genius, dad.
Homer: What?
Bart: I cheated on the intelligent test, I'm sorry! But you then made the past few weeks great. Me and you were doing stuff together, you've helped me out with things, we're closer than we've ever been. I love you, dad, and I think if something can bring us that close, it can't possibly be bad.
[Long pause.]
Homer: Why you little...! [chases Bart]
Bart: Uh-oh! [runs]
Marge: What's going on out there?
Lisa: I think Bart's stupid again, Mom.
Marge: Oh, well.
[Bart runs into his room and closes the door. Homer pounds on it.]
Homer: YOU CAN'T STAY IN THERE FOREVER!
Bart: I can try!
Homer: March your butt right out here, NOW!
Bart: No way, man!
[Homer is about to continue pounding on the door, but stops with a crafty smile.]
Homer: [with false concern] Son, if you don't come out, I can't hug you and kiss you and make you feel all better.
Bart: You think I'm dumb enough to fall for that?! I'm insulted!
[Homer howls in rage and continues pounding at the door.]
[The cartoon character Smilin' Joe Fission informs Bart's class about nuclear energy.]
Smilin' Joe Fission: Uh-oh. Whoops. Looks there's a little leftover nuclear waste. No problem.
[Smilin' Joe tucks the waste under a rug.]
Smilin' Joe Fission: I'll just put it where nobody'll find it for a million years.
Moe: Moe's Tavern.
Bart: Is Mr. Freely there?
Moe: Who?
Bart: Freely, first initials I. P.
Moe: Hold on, I'll check. Uh, is I. P. Freely here? Hey, everybody! I pee freely!
[the customers laugh]
Moe: Wait a minute... Listen to me you lousy bum. When I get a hold of you, you're dead. I swear I'm gonna slice your heart in half!
[Bart and Lisa laugh]
Homer: You'll get that punk someday, Moe.
Moe: I don't know. He's tough to catch. He keeps changing his name.
Homer: Afternoon, Mr. Burns!
Mr. Burns: Ah, hello there, uh.. uh...
Homer: [whispers to Smithers] Simpson, Homer.
Smithers: [gives cue card] Here you go, sir.
Mr. Burns: Ah! Oh, yes. Oh, and this must be your lovely wife... [reads] Marge. Oh, and look a little... Lisa. Why, she's growing like a weed. And this must be... [lifts his thumb covering Bart's name] Brat!
Bart: Bart.
Homer: Don't correct the man, Brat!
Homer: Now, remember, as far as anyone knows, we're a nice, normal family.
Lisa: Hey, Bart! Last one in the fountain's a rotten egg!
Bart: Heey!
Homer: D'oh! [runs after them] Be normal! Be normal!
Marge: Homey! Get in the car!
Lisa: This is where you belong!
Bart: Yeah, Homer, room for one more!
Marge, Lisa and Bart: [chanting] One of us! One of us! One of us! One of us!
[Homer reluctantly gets in the car and envisions himself driving in Hell with the rest of the family laughing in delight. He looks across to see the perfectly normal family continue their drive to Heaven. Cut to Homer driving his family home normally while Marge looks on about to be sick.]
[Dr. Monroe diagnoses the Simpsons' problem when he sees the rest of the family drawing Homer as they see him. Not paying attention to their disgust, he gets lost and draws an airplane with bombs on them.]
Dr. Monroe: (to Homer) Well, if you had been paying attention, perhaps you would have noticed that your family sees you as a rather stern authority figure, an ogre, if you will.
Marge: Now, Doctor, that's not true.
Lisa: Ogre is such a strong word.
Bart: Right on, Doc! Another successful diagnosis.
Homer: That does it!
[Homer grabs a lamp and tries to hit Bart with it.]
Dr. Monroe: Whoa!
[Dr. Monroe takes the lamp from Homer.]
Dr. Monroe: (Chuckles) Okay, you want to kill each other. That's good. That's healthy.
Marge: Well, Bart, I hope you're going straight to the principal about this!
Bart: I guess I could do that.
Homer: What?! And violate the code of the schoolyard?! I'd rather Bart die!
Marge: What on earth are you talking about, Homer?!
Homer: The code of the schoolyard, Marge! The rules that teach a boy how to be a man! Let's see: Don't tattle, always make fun of those different from you, never say anything unless you're sure everyone feels exactly the same way you do, and what else...?
Grampa: I thought I'd never hear the screams of pain or see the look of terror in a young man's eyes. Thank heaven for children!
Bart: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, contrary to what you've just seen, war is neither glamorous nor fun. There are no winners, only losers. There are no good wars, with the following exceptions: The American Revolution, World War II, and the Star Wars trilogy. If you'd like to learn more about war, there's lots of books in your local library, many of them with cool, gory pictures. Well, good night, everybody! Peace, man.
Homer: Lisa! What did I tell ya about playing that saxamah-thing in the house?
Lisa: I was just playing the blues... Dad. [sobs]
Homer: Lisa, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell. Go ahead, play your blues if it'll make you happy.
Lisa: No, that's okay, Dad. [sniff] I'll just work on my fingering, unless my fingers clacking on the keys is too loud for you.
Homer: Let's hear it.
[Lisa starts clacking for a while]
Homer: You just clack as loud as you want, Lis.
Lisa: Every day at noon the bell rings and they herd us in here for feeding time. And we sit around like cattle chewing our cuds, dreading the inevitable...
Bart: Haha! Food fight! [everyone but Lisa food fights each other]
Janey: C'mon, Lis! Whaddaya waitin' for? Chuck that spaghetti!
Lisa: I choose not to participate.
[Mr. Largo spots Lisa wildly off-track]
Mr. Largo: [taps music stand] Lisa! [...] Lisa Simpson! [Lisa stops] Lisa, there's no room for crazy bebop in "My Country, 'Tis of Thee"!
Lisa: But Mr. Largo, that's what my country's all about!
Mr. Largo: What?
Lisa: I'm wailing out for the homeless family living out of its car. The idle farmer whose land has been taken away by unfeeling bureaucrats. The West Virginia coal-miner coughing—
Mr. Largo: Aw, that's all fine and good, but Lisa, none of those unpleasant people are going to be at the recital next week!
Bleeding Gums Murphy: [to Lisa] You know, you play pretty well for someone with no real problems.
Lisa: Yeah, but I don't feel any better.
Bleeding Gums Murphy: The blues isn't about feelin' better. It's about makin' other people feel worse and makin' a few bucks while you're at it.
(dreaming after the wrestling tournament became a horrible nightmare)
Homer: [screams]
Marge: Homer, wake up. Isn't that horrible buddy dream? Instead I hope when you I did once.
Homer: That's okay Marge, I noticed became a bad dream.
Homer: Where the hell are my keys? Who stole my keys? Come on, I'm late for work! [lifts Maggie and looks underneath]
Marge: Oh, Homer, you'd lose your head if it weren't securely fastened to your neck.
Bart: Did you check the den?
Homer: The den! Great idea!
[Homer heads into the den with Bart following him and Homer begins to pull couch apart]
Bart: Warm. No, cold. Colder. Ice cold.
Homer: You know where my keys are?
Bart: No, I'm talking about your breakfast. [laughs]
Homer: GRRRRH!
Bart: Did you check the rumpus room?
Homer: Rumpus room? Great idea! [runs to front door] Huh?
Lisa: Oh, Dad?
[Lisa points. The keys are still in the door lock]
Homer: D'oh!
Lisa: Remember, Dad. The handle of the Big Dipper points to the North Star.
Homer: That's nice, Lisa, but we're not in astronomy class. We're in the woods.
[Marge and Lisa groan in disgust, knowing Homer has ignored their attempts to try and help him navigate the woods.]
[Marge and Lisa discuss the origin of babies]
Lisa: I heard a hideous story about it once, in the schoolyard.
Marge: Oh. Well, it's true, I'm afraid.
(Bob the RV salesman checks Homer's credit on a computer, and a siren wails when the results come back.)
Homer: Is that a good siren? Am I approved?
Bob: You ever known a siren to be good? (chuckles) No, Mr. Simpson, it's not. It's a bad siren. That's the computer in case I went blind, telling me, "Sell the vehicle to this fella, and you're outta business." That's what the siren says. It seems that the Ultimate Behemoth is a wee bit out of your price range. And wee bit is me being polite, you couldn't afford this thing even if you lived to be a million.
Homer: Don't you have something that isn't out of my price range. I don't want to go away empty handed, Bob.
Bob: Take it easy there. Don't ruin this feeling I'm getting from you. Perhaps I can show you something a little more you.
(Bob the RV salesman shows the Simpson family the "Ultimate Behemoth". While the kids and Homer are impressed, Marge is concerned about the cost of the RV. She knows they can't afford it and is ignored every time she asks for the price on it.)
Bart: Does it have its own satellite dish, sir?
Bob: You can tell your son it has its own satellite. The VanStar One, launched last February, just for this thing, that's all.
Bart: Whoa, man!
Marge: I'm not sure that we can afford-
Homer: Does it have a deep fryer?
Bob: It has four of them-one for each part of the chicken.
[Chief Wiggum leads a press conference about the town statue.]
Chief Wiggum: [clears throat] Well, we have no witnesses, no suspects, and no leads. If anyone has any information, please dial "0" and ask for the police. That number again, "0."
[Bart skateboards down to the movie theater.]
Jimbo: Hey, hot dog.
Bart: What? [crashes into a lamp post]
Jimbo: Nice dismount, man.
[He and his friends laugh.]
Bart: Didn't hurt.
Kearney: Oh, yeah? Well, do it again!
Bart: Nah. Might land on my face and end up looking like you.
[Marge accidentally throws her bowling ball into the adjacent lane, which happens to be Jacques' lane.]
Marge: I'm-I'm awfully sorry.
Jacques: Entirely my fault. It is nice to meet you, [picks up Marge's ball and looks at it] Homer.
Marge: Oh, no, no. Homer is my... ball's name. I'm Marge.
Jacques: Your fingers are so slender, so feminine. They're far too tapered for the ball you are using. You need something lighter. More delicate. Here. Use my ball.
Marge: Hmm. No. No, thank you, Mr., um, [looks at Jacques' bowling ball] Brunswick.
Jacques: Call me Jacques.
Marge: Jacques.
Jacques: Marge.
Marge: Hmm. I'll just use my ball.
Jacques: As you wish. Many people have senseless attachments to heavy, clumsy things, such as this Homer of yours.
[Everyone is surprised except Patty and Selma who knew that Homer has been thoughtless as usual and that gift offends Marge. This time, it's a bowling ball that collapsed on her birthday cake.]
Homer: Don't worry, this frosting will come right off.
[Homer is looking at the ball, while Marge is furious with him for getting her another thoughtless gift.]
Homer: Beauty, isn't she?
Marge: Homer, it's hard for me to judge... (furious) since I never bowled in my life!
Homer: Well, if you don't want it, I know someone who does.
[A furious Marge huffs out a surviving candle, extremely furious with Homer once again for ruining her birthday.]
[Bart finally realizes what Lisa is saying is true about their parents' estrangement from each other. He seeks out her help.]
Bart: Lisa, Lisa, I think you're right about Dad. There's something very, very wrong here.
Lisa: Bart, welcome to stage three, Fear.
Bart:[urgently] Well, come on! We've got to do something, man!
Lisa: Sorry, Bart, I would love to help you, but I am mired in stage five, self-pity.
[Homer weighs himself again after six months.]
Homer: OH, NO! 239 lbs?! I'm a whale! Why are all the good things so tasty? [more serious] Well from now on, exercise every morning, Homer!
[Homer stretches in front of the bathroom mirror, just as Marge enters.]
Marge: Ohhh... Don't strain yourself, dear.
Homer: Good idea, Marge.
[Homer pays a visit to the Kwik-E-Mart, after he has unknowingly become famous from his photo with Princess Kashmir being posted all over town.]
Homer: One glazed, and one Scratch-'N-Win, please.
Apu: You look familiar, sir. Are you on the television or something?
Homer: Sorry, buddy. You got me confused with Fred Flintstone. [chuckles]
[Apu hands Homer his lottery ticket and he starts to scratch it off.]
Homer: Oh. Liberty Bell.
[Homer scratches some more and gasps.]
Homer: Another Liberty Bell! One more and I'm a millionaire. Come on, Liberty Bell, please, please, please, please, please, please!
[Homer scratches to reveal a plum.]
Homer: D'oh! That purple fruit thing. Where were you yesterday?
[Principal Skinner offers a solution to Bart's problems at school.]
Principal Skinner: Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, we have transcended incorrigible. I don't think suspension or expulsion will do the trick. I think it behooves us all to consider deportation.
Marge: Deportation?! You mean kick Bart out of the country?!
Homer: Hear him out, Marge.
Homer: Okay, Skinner, how do we know that some headmaster in France is not pulling the same scam on us?
Skinner: Well for one thing, you will not be getting a French boy. You would be hosting an Albanian.
Homer: You mean all white with pink eyes?
[Adil and Lisa debate at the dinner table.]
Adil: How can you defend a country where five percent of the people control 95 percent of the wealth?
Lisa: I'm defending a country where people can think, and act, and worship any way they want!
Adil: Can not.
Lisa: Can too.
Adil: Can not!
Lisa: Can too!
Homer: Please, please, kids, stop fighting. Maybe Lisa's right about America being the land of opportunity, and maybe Adil's got a point about the machinery of capitalism being oiled with the blood of the workers.
[Reverend Lovejoy leads the public burning of Krusty the Clown merchandise]
Reverend Lovejoy: Good people, I'm so happy you're all here tonight. But please, just a few words of caution. Now, we are going to set this pile of evil ablaze, but because these are children's toys, the fire will spread quickly, so please stand back and try not to inhale the toxic fumes.
[Disguised as Krusty, Sideshow Bob makes his way to the register as Apu and Homer talk.]
Apu: What is the matter, sir? Never have I seen you look so unhappy while purchasing such a large quantity of ice cream!
Homer: The reason I look unhappy is 'cause tonight I have to see a slideshow starring my wife's sisters! Or as I call them, "The Gruesome Twosome!"
[Homer and Apu chuckle. As Homer turns and leaves, he accidentally steps on "Krusty's" foot.]
Sideshow Bob: (disguised as Krusty) OW, my foot! You lousy, stupid, clumsy...!
Homer: Sorry, pal...
[Homer screams in horror when he spots "Krusty" holding a handgun and dives head first into a potato chip display]
Sideshow Bob: (pointing gun at Apu) Hand over all your money in a paper bag!
Apu: Yes, yes, I know the procedure for armed robbery! I do work in a convenience store, you know!
[He hands over paper bag contained with money after which "Krusty" flees.]
Apu: You can emerge now from my chips. The opportunity to prove yourself a hero is long gone.
[Homer sighs in relief.]
[on the surveillance tape during the breaking news]
Homer: The reason I look unhappy is that tonight I have watch a slideshow starring my wife's sisters. As far as I call them, the Gruesome Twosome.
[He laughs with Apu.]
Marge: [embarrassed] Oh Homer.
Patty: [infuriated along with Selma] So the truth comes out.
Bart: I know Krusty's innocent, and I think I can prove it, but... I need your help.
Lisa: You do? Why?
Bart: Oh, come on, you know why.
Lisa: No, why?
Bart: I'll never forgive you for making me say this, but... you're smarter than me.
Lisa: [smug chuckle]
Bart: [holds out his hand] So, you with me?
Lisa: [slaps it] Yeah, man!
Judge: You have been charged with armed robbery. How do you plead?
Krusty: I plead guilty, Your Honor!
Courtroom gasps. Defense attorney, obviously irked, whispers to Krusty
Krusty: Oops, I mean to say I plead not guilty. Opening night jitters, heh, heh!
Prosecutor: I would like to point out how Exhibit B has been a motive behind the robbery. Krusty, do you recognize Exhibit B?
Krusty: What is that?
Prosecutor: Exhibit B. Look at the one marked "B".
[Krusty looks dumbfounded]
Prosecutor: What's the matter, can't you read?
Krusty: (sobbing) No! I can't read or write! I admit it! I'm totally illiterate! Now are you happy?!
[Courtroom reacts with shock.]
Prosecutor: Could it be the champion of children's literacy programs can't even read himself?
Krusty: (sobbing) Is it a crime to be illiterate?
Prosecutor: All right, all right. Okay, Krusty, this is a "B", and this is Exhibit B... betting slips! Indicating to this court that you have lost substantial amounts of money on sports gambling!
Krusty: (sobbing) Is it a crime to gamble on sporting events?
Prosecutor: Yes, it is!
Krusty: Oh.
[The words "big shoes to fill" start echoing in Bart's mind, droning out Bob's talking and he starts to catch onto something that others hadn't before. Recalling with memory, Bart remembers Homer stepped on the robber's foot, resulting in him screaming in pain. However, Bart noticed Krusty's feet were small as he walked up the steps to the courthouse. He knows that despite wearing big floppy clown shoes all the time, Krusty would never felt Homer stepping on them due to his small feet. Whereas, Sideshow Bob's feet are unbelievably large and therefore he yelled at Homer for not watching where he was going. That's when it all comes together and Bart realized that Bob had the most to gain in Krusty's downfall.]
Bart: [Outraged] Wait a minute, you did it!
Sideshow Bob: I beg your pardon?
Bart: [grabbing the microphone away from Bob and faces the camera.] Attention, fellow children! Krusty didn't rob that store! Sideshow Bob framed him and I got proof!
[He hits the end of Sideshow Bob's foot with a comedy mallet.]
Sideshow Bob: [grabbing his foot, while Bart holds the microphone on Bob] OW, MY FOOT! YOU LOUSY, STUPID, CLUMSY...!
[The kids gasp as they hear the words uttered on the security cam.]
Bart: See that? Krusty wore big floppy shoes all the time, but he's got little feet like all good-hearted people.
[Hits Sideshow Bob's other foot, causing him to fall down]
Bart: But Sideshow Bob really filled his shoes with big, ugly feet!
[Bart removes Sideshow Bob's shoe to reveal his big feet and the children turns against him for what he did to Krusty. At the police station, Eddie and Lou are watching the show and eating donuts.]
Eddie: Kid's right.
Lou: How do you suppose we missed that?
Chief Wiggum: [also eating a donut] Get off your duffs, boys! Get down to that studio!
Sideshow Bob: [in handcuffs] Yes, I admit it. I hated him! His hackneyed shennanigans robbed me of my dignity for years. I played the buffoon, while he squandered a fortune on his vulgar appetites. That's why I framed Krusty! And I would've gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for these meddling kids!
Bart: Take him away, boys.
Sideshow Bob: [being carted off to jail] Treat kids like equals, they're people too. They're smarter than what you think! They were smart enough to catch me!
(Homer is brought down to the police station to identify Krusty the Clown in a lineup.)
Chief Wiggum: Ready, Mr. Simpson.
Homer: Yes, sir.
Chief Wiggum: Send in the clowns!
(A lineup of five clowns enters the opposite room and stands against the wall as Homer chuckles at the sight.)
Chief Wiggum: So, Simpson, which one is it?
Homer: (giggles and laughs) Well, if the crime is making me laugh, they're all guilty! (Laughs)
Chief Wiggum: (impatiently) No, no! Which one is the robber?
Homer: Oh, definitely number-(slow wheezing laugh)
Chief Wiggum: Simpson.
(Homer continues to chuckle.)
Chief Wiggum: Simpson!
Homer: (quickly) Four.
[Marge dials the babysitting service. At the Rubber Baby Buggie Bumper Babysitting Service, there are three older women, including Ms. Botz.]
Receptionist: Rubber Baby Buggie Bumper Babysitting Service.
Marge: This is Marge Simpson. I'd like a babysitter for the evening.
Receptionist: Wait a minute. The Simpsons?
[Looks over at a bulletin board with Bart, Lisa and Maggie's faces on it, warning their employees not to babysit them due to their countless misbehavior.]
Receptionist: Lady, you've got to be kidding!
[Receptionist slams the phone, continues writing, phone rings seconds later.]
Receptionist: Rubber Baby Buggie Bumper Babysitting Service.
Homer: Hello, this is Mr. Samson.
Receptionist: Did your wife just call a second ago?
Homer: No, I said Samson, not Simpson.
Receptionist: Thank God! Those Simpsons, what a bunch of savages! Especially that big ape father!
Homer: [angrily] D'oh! [trying to keep calm] Actually, the Simpsons are neighbors of ours and we found them to be a quite misunderstood and underrated family.
Lisa: Aw, come on, Bart, not again!
Bart: [dialing the phone] Aw, where's your sense of humor?
Moe: Moe's Tavern.
Bart: Hello, is Al there?
Moe: Al?
Bart: Yeah, Al. Last name: Coholic.
Moe: Lemme check... [calls] Phone call for Al. Al Coholic. Is there an Al Coholic here?
[bar denizens laugh]
Moe: Wait a minute... [to phone] Listen, you little yellow-bellied rat jackass, if I ever find out who you are, I'm gonna kill you!
[Bart and Lisa laugh]
Stan?: Dude!
Kyle?: What?
Stan?: Don't put the magic hat on the snowman.
Kyle?: Why?
Stan?: 'Cause if you do, he's gonna come to life.
Kyle?: Cool!
Stan?: No, it's not cool! My sister, in-in Minnesota, put a hat on a snowman and it tried to kill her!
Kyle?: Fuck him, let's do it anyway!
Kyle?: Oh my God! Frosty killed Kenny!
Stan?: Dude, I told you not to put that fuckin hat on Frosty's fuckin head, now, didn't I!
Kyle?: Well I'm sorry, Mr. Rocket-fuckin-scientist! What are we supposed to do now?!
Kyle?: [after running from Frosty disguised as Santa Claus] Uh, you know something, I don't think that was the real Santa Claus.
Stan?: Oh, no shit, Sherlock! You know, thanks to you, there's not going to be any Christmas, and there's no one left to help us!
Cartman: Yeah, Hanukkah sucks.
Kyle: Don't you oppress me, fat boy!
Cartman: Don't call me fat, bucketful!
Kyle: Then don't belittle my people, you buckskin fat ass!
Cartman: Goddammit, don't call me fat, you bucketing son of a bitch!
Jesus: Behold my glory.
Stan: Holy shit, it's Jesus!
Cartman: What are you doing in South Park, Jesus?
Jesus: I come seeking retribution.
Stan: [gasps] He's come to kill you 'cause you're Jewish, Kyle!
Kyle: Oh, fuck! I'm sorry, Jesus! Don't kill me!
Jesus: Nay, fear not. I love all my children.
Kyle: Whew.
Jesus: Tomorrow is my birthday, yet all is not right.
Stan: Your birthday is on Christmas? That sucks, dude!
Jesus: I must find a place called the mall.
Kyle: Well, we can take you to the mall, Jesus.
Stan: Yeah! It's over this way!
Cartman: Goddammit, you stepped on my foot, you pig-fucker!
Stan: Dude! Don't say pig-fucker in front of Jesus!
Cartman: Ah, fuck you.
Stan: Here we are Jesus, South Park mall. Who are you looking for?
Jesus: Him!
Santa: Ho ho ho ho! We meet again Jesus!
Jesus: You have blemished the meaning of Christmas for the last time Kringle!
Santa: I bring happiness to children all over the world!
Jesus: Christmas is for celebrating my birth!
Santa: Christmas is for giving!
Jesus: I'm here to put an end to your blasphemy!
Santa: This time we finish it! There can be only one!
Stan: Dude this is pretty fucked up right here.
Jesus: Boys, help me put an end to him once and for all.
Santa: No, boys, help me. So that I can put an end to him.
Jesus: God is watching you boys. You know who to help.
Santa: Stan, remember the choo-choo when you were three?
Jesus: I died for your sins, boys. Don't forget that.
Stan: I don't know what to do, dude! Who should we help?
Cartman: I say we help Santa Claus.
Kyle: Aw, you're just saying that because he brings you candy.
Cartman: Hey! I don't need to take that kinda shit from a Jew!
Kyle: You're such a fat fuck, Cartman, that when you walk down the street people go: "Goddammit, that kid's a big fat fuck!"
Kyle: We actually met, we actually spoke with, the Brian Boitano!
Stan: Yeah, and you know, I think learned something today. It doesn't matter if you're Christian or Jewish or atheist or Hindu. Christmas, still, is about one very important thing-
Cartman: Yeah, ham.
Stan: No, not ham, you fat fuck!
Cartman: Fuck you!
Stan: Christmas is about something much more important.
Kyle: What?
Stan: Presents.
Kyle: Ah.
Stan: Don't you see, Kyle?
Kyle: Yeah.
Stan: Presents.
Kyle: Hey man, if you're Jewish, you get presents for eight days!
Stan: Wow, really?! Count me in!
Cartman: Yeah, I'll be a Jew too!
Stewie: Damn you, vile woman! You've impeded my work since the day I escaped from your wretched womb.
[Stewie approaches Lois, who sits at the kitchen table]
Stewie: Hello, Mother.
Lois: Well, hi, there, sweetie!
Stewie: You know, Mother, life is like a box of chocolates: You never know what you're going to get. Your life, however, is more like a box of active grenades!
[Stewie holds a box of hand grenades in front of him]
Stewie: Now, I offer you one last chance for deliverance: Return my mind-control device...or be destroyed!
Lois: Oh, you just want your toy back. OK, here you go, honey.
[Lois places the mind-control device on top of the box of grenades]
Stewie: Yes, well, victory is mine!
[Stewie runs out of the kitchen carrying the grenades and the mind-control device; a moment later, the grenades detonate]
Stewie: [screams] Damn you all!
Stewie: [playing with his Sesame Street phone] Put me through to the Pentagon!
Phone: Do you know what sound a cow makes?
Stewie: Don't toy with me, Ernie! I've already dispatched with Mr. Hooper, I've got six armed men stationed outside Big Bird's nest, and as for Linda... well it's rather difficult for a deaf woman to hear an assassin approach, now, isn't it?
Phone: Can you count to three?
Stewie: Ho-ho, indeed I can! [pulls out a laser gun and shoots the phone with each number] ONE! TWO! THREE! Can I count to three? For God's sake, I'm already shooting at a fifth-grade level.
[Lois tries to feed Stewie his broccoli "airplane style."]
Stewie: Damn the broccoli, damn you, and damn the Wright Brothers!
Lois: My, aren't we fussy tonight? OK. No broccoli.
Stewie: Very well then. I-[Lois shoves the broccoli into his mouth. Stewie spits it out.] Who the hell do you think you are?
Lois: Honey, it's not gonna go away just because you don't like it.
Stewie: Well then, my goal becomes clear: The broccoli must die.
[in Lois' womb]
Stewie: [in his diary] Day 171. I've sprouted another finger. Counting the one from yesterday, [looks at his penis], I'm up to 11.
Peter: [after losing his Cheesy Charlie's reservation] Chris, this is a big day for you. Today you become the man of the house, because when we get home, your mother is going to kill me.
[Lois is daydreaming while washing the dishes, Stewie throws his bottle at her.]
Stewie: Damn you, woman, awake from your damnable reverie!
Lois: [sighs] Honey, I'm doing the dishes.
Stewie: [sarcastically] Oh, well, a thousand pardons for disrupting your flatware sanitation ritual, but, you see, I'm in searing pain! [points to his mouth]
Lois: Oh, you're just teething, Stewie, it's a normal part of a baby's life.
Stewie: Very well then. I order you to kill me at once!
Lois: Oh honey, I know you're hurting, but Mommy has to clean up the house, all right?
Stewie: No, it's not all right! For the love of God, shake me, shake me like a British Nanny!
Peter: I can't even watch TV anymore. All the shows are starting to run together.
Narrator of Homicide: Life on Sesame Street: This show contains adult content and is brought to you by the letter H. [wailing sirens; inside an apartment, a phone rings, and Bert groans as he tries to pick up the phone; he finally picks up]
Bert: Hello? [sighs heavily] Son of a bitch. I'm on my way. [he gets out of bed naked; to Ernie] Some poor bastard got his head blown off down at a place called Hooper's. [he puts on his pants, drinks out of a beer bottle, and coughs]
Ernie: Bert, I wish you wouldn't drink so much, Bert.
Bert: Well, Ernie, I wish you wouldn't eat cookies in the damn BED!
Ernie: Bert, you're shouting again, Bert!
[Bert groans in disgust while comedic instrumental music plays in the background]
Brian: Gosh, I'd like to help you, Peter, but uh, I've gotta go out in the hall and chew on the back of my ass for about five minutes.
Meg: So, do you like music?
Kevin: Oh, yeah. I played guitar in a band before we moved, but it interfered with my studies. What do you listen to?
Meg: Uh, you first.
Kevin: I'm into Garbage, Fish, Blur. My parents don't like me listenin' to that stuff, but I do, anyway, BECAUSE I AM NOT A ROBOT! [calmly] I also like Radiohead.
[Peter and Chris are ostensibly trying to earn a merit badge for "insect study."]
Peter: Look, Chris. It's a whole family of wasps.
[The scene cuts to a wealthy family eating dinner]
WASP Father: My, Margaret, what a subpar ham.
WASP Mother: Perhaps I can't bake a ham, but what I can cook up is a little grace and civility at the table.
WASP Father: [after a slight, shocked pause] Patty, did you know that your mother is a whore?
[last line]
Peter: Canada sucks!
[Peter has a flashback of when he was on Jeopardy!]
Trebek: [reads the clue] For $800, this chemical dye is found in over 95% of all cosmetic products.
Peter: [rings in] Diarrhea. [the crowd laughs] What? Oh. Oh. Oh. Sorry. Sorry. What is diarrhea?
[after seeing the news about the heat wave]
Chris: [about Diane] I think I saw one of her nipples!
Lois: Chris, that's a terrible word! [sarcastically] "Nipple". I'll chalk that up to the heat, mister.
Fry: Space. It seems to go on forever. But then you get to the end and the gorilla starts throwin' barrels at you.
Fry: Hello? Pizza delivery for uh... I.C. Wiener? Aww crud. I always thought by this point in my life I'd be the one making the prank calls.
[Fry's first glimpse of the future]
Fry: My God, it's the future. My parents, my co-workers, my girlfriend. I'll never see any of them again.
[Pause.]
Fry: YAHOO!
Leela: I'm an alien, alright? Let's drop the subject.
Fry: Cool, an alien. Has your race taken over the planet?
Leela: No, I just work here.
Leela: I'm sure this must be very upsetting for you.
Fry: Y'know, I guess it should be but, actually, I'm glad. I had nothing to live for in my old life. I was broke, I had a humiliating job and I was beginning to suspect my girlfriend might be cheating on me.
Leela: Well, at least here you'll be treated with dignity. Now strip naked and get on the probulator.
Fry: Whoa… a real live robot! Or is that some kind of cheesy New Year's costume?
Bender: Bite my shiny metal ass.
Fry: It doesn't look so shiny to me.
Bender: Shinier than yours, meatbag.
Fry: Why would a robot need to drink?
Bender: I don't need to drink. I can quit anytime I want!
Leela: This is Officer 1-B D-I requesting backup.
[The camera pulls back to reveal two police officers standing right next to her.]
Officer Smitty: We'll be there in 5 minutes.
Fry: It's up to you to make your own decisions in life. That's what separates people and robots from animals... and animal robots.
Fry: Can't you just leave me alone? I'm miserable enough already.
Leela: I know it's not much consolation, but I know how you feel.
Fry: No you don't. I've got no home, no family.
Bender: No friends.
Fry: Are we going to fly all over space, fighting monsters and teaching alien women how to love?
Farnsworth: If by that you mean delivering cargo, then yes. It's a little home business I started to fund my research.
Fry: Cool. What's my job gonna be?
Farnsworth: You're gonna make sure the cargo reaches its destination.
Fry: So, I'm a delivery boy?
Farnsworth: Exactly.
Fry: All right! I'm a delivery boy!
Leela: Fry, we have a crate to deliver.
Fry: Well, let's just dump it in the sewer and say we delivered it.
Bender: Too much work. Let's burn it and say we dumped it in the sewer.
Amy: Leela's gonna kill me.
Bender: No, she'll probably make me do it.
Bender: I'm going to build my own theme park! With blackjack! And hookers! You know what- forget the park!
Bender: Oh, no room for Bender, eh? I'll build my OWN lunar landing... with blackjack, and hookers! In fact, forget the lunar lander and the blackjack! Ehh, screw the whole thing.
Craterface: Hi, I'm Craterface. Welcome to Luna Park. I'll have to confiscate your alcohol, sir.
Bender: Better mascots than you have tried. (takes a swig of booze and jams the bottle in Craterface's eye)
Craterface: At least I have my self-respect. (laughs, then sobs quietly)
[Farnsworth watches Fry, Bender and Leela trying to escape from the Moon Farmer on a telescope]
Farnsworth: My God! I've got to save them! Although I am already in my pajamas. [falls asleep]
Zoidberg: Now open your mouth and lets have a look at that brain.
[Fry opens his mouth]
Zoidberg: No, no, not that mouth.
Fry: I only have one.
Zoidberg: Really?
Fry: Uh... is there a human doctor around?
Zoidberg: Young lady, I am an expert on humans. Now pick a mouth, open it and say "Bbrglgrglgrrr"!
Fry: Uh... yededededededede!
Zoidberg: What?! My mother was a SAINT! GET OUT!
[Fry and Leela are taking a ride on the Moon Park]
Moon Rover Ride Narrator: The story of lunar exploration started with one man - a man with a dream.
Animatronic Ralph Kramden: One of these days, Alice- Bang, zoom, straight to the moon!
Leela: Wow! I never realized the first astronauts were so fat.
Fry: That's not an astronaut, it's a TV comedian! And he was just using space travel as a metaphor for beating his wife
Animatronic Whalers: [Singing] We're whalers on the moon,
We carry a harpoon.
But there ain't no whales,
So we tell tall-tales,
And sing our whaling tune.
Fry: Uh, greetings Moon Man, we come in peace. I am Fry from the planet Earth.
Sal: Wise guy, huh? If I wasn't so lazy I'd punch you in the stomach.
Fry: But, you are lazy right?
Sal: Oh, don't get me started!
Fry: Hey, I got you guys refrigerator magnets. [puts one on Bender's head]
Bender: Get it off! Get it off! GET IT-uh, oh. [singing] How many roads must a man walk down before you...
[Fry removes magnet]
Bender: Keep those things off me! Magnets screw up my inhibition unit.
Fry: So you flip out and start acting like some crazy folk singer?
Bender: Yep. I guess a robot would have to be crazy to want to be a folk singer...
Bender: You know, Fry, out of all the friends I've ever had... you're the first.
[In their search for a new apartment, Fry, Bender and Leela check out a "suspiciously fantastic" apartment]
Fry: I don't get it. What's the catch?
Salesman: Oh, no catch. Although we are technically in New Jersey.
[cut to Fry, Bender and Leela at the Planet Express employee lounge]
Fry: Not one place even remotely liveable.
Bender: [in his sleep] Kill all humans, kill all humans, must kill all humans...
Fry: Bender, wake up!
Bender: Wh-uh? I was having the most wonderful dream. I think you were in it.
Fry: Where's the bathroom?
Bender: The bath what?
Fry: Bathroom.
Bender: The what room?
Fry: Bathroom!
Bender: The what what?
Fry: Never mind.
[Bender goes back to sleep.]
Bender: Hey, sexy mama, wanna kill all humans?
Farnsworth: [Talking on the phone] Did he at least die painlessly? To shreds, you say. How's his wife holding up? To shreds, You say.
Bender: Not enough room? My place is two cubic meters, and we only take up 1.5 cubic meters. We've got room for a whole 'nother two thirds of a person!
[Fry, Bender and Leela are checking out an appartment based on the "Relativity" print by M.C. Escher]
Leela: Wow, this is fantastic.
Fry: I don't know, I don't want to pay for an extra dimension we're not going to use.
Bender: This last week with Fry has been great. Beneath his warm, soft exterior beats the cold, mechanical heart of a robot.
Calculon: I've been processing this for quite sometime, Monique, will you marry me?
Monique: Oh, Calculon! Yes!
[Calculon fits the ring on Monique's finger]
Monique: It fits! Then you must know I'm...
Calculon: Metric? I've always known, but for you I'm willing to convert
Prof. Farnsworth: Oh, fuff! Fry's not causing any trouble. Now, if you don't mind, I'm rather busy. I seem to have mislaid my alien mummy. This sarcophagus should contain the remains of Emperor Nimballa, who ruled Zuban 5 over 29 million years ago.
[Fry walks past the lab eating the mummy.]
Fry: Hey, Professor, great jerky!
Farnsworth: My God, this is an outrage! I was going to eat that mummy!
Bender: I hate the people who love me, and they hate me.
Zapp Brannigan: Whatever it is, I'm willing to put wave after wave of men at your disposal. Right, men?
Unseen Man: You suck!
Zapp Brannigan: Kif, I have made it with a woman. Inform the men.
Leela: You know Zapp, once I thought you were a big pompous buffoon. Then I realized that inside, you were just a pitiful child. But now I realize that outside that child is a big pompous buffoon!
Zapp Brannigan: And which one rocked your world?
Leela: Look, last night was a mistake.
Zapp Brannigan: A sexy mistake.
Leela: No, just a regular mistake.
Zapp Brannigan: In the game of chess, you can never let your adversary see your pieces.
Zapp Brannigan: We have failed to uphold Brannigan's Law. However I did make it with a hot alien babe. And in the end, is that not what man has dreamt of since first he looked up at the stars?
[Short pause]
Zapp Brannigan: Kif, I'm asking you a question.
[Kif groans]
Zapp Brannigan: Brannigan's Law is like Brannigan's love: hard and fast.
Zapp Brannigan: So, crawling back to the Big Z like a bird on its belly. Delicious.
Leela: Birds don't crawl.
Zapp Brannigan: They've been known to!
Leela: Look, I'm going down to Vergon 6 to save those animals whether you like it or not.
Zapp Brannigan: Go ahead. I won't stop you.
Leela: Threaten all you- Wait. What?
Zapp Brannigan: We both know you won't make it halfway to Vergon 6 before the craving sets in. Then you'll come crawling back for another taste of sweet, sweet candy... bam!
Zapp Brannigan: Welcome to my humble chamber, or as I call it, "the Lovenasium". Sham-pag-in?
Leela: I didn't realise you were such a coin-a-sewer.
Zapp Brannigan: Well, I have studied abroad...or two!
Zapp Brannigan: Captain's journal. Star date; 3000.3.
Kif: Who are you talking to, sir?
Zapp Brannigan: You! Aren't you getting this? We have detected a vessel attempting to break the security cordon around Vergon 6. I'm anticipating an all-out tactical dogfight, followed by a light dinner... ravioli, ham, sundae bar.
Farnsworth: It's a sunny little doomed planet, inhabited by a number of frisky little doomed animals.
Leela: Animals?
Farnsworth: That's right. Animals in desperate need of rescue. You see, Vergon 6 was once filled with a super-dense substance known as dark matter, each pound of which weighs over ten thousand pounds.
Leela: Wait! What about the animals?
Farnsworth: Well, dark matter is extremely valuable as starship fuel. That's why it was all mined out, leaving the planet completely hollow.
Leela: Yes, but what about the animals?
Farnsworth: The wha?
Leela: The animals.
Farnsworth: I didn't say anything about animals. Now it seems that the planet will collapse within three days. Incidentally, this will kill all the animals.
Zapp Brannigan: Have the boy lay out my formal shorts.
Kif: The boy, Sir?
Zapp Brannigan: You. You lay out my formal shorts.
Robot #1: Administer the test.
Robot #2: Which of the following would you most prefer? A: a puppy, B: a pretty flower from your sweetie, or C: a large properly formatted data file?
Robot #1: Choose!
[Fry and Leela confer for a bit.]
Fry: Uh, is the puppy mechanical in any way?
Robot #2: No, it is the bad kind of puppy.
Leela: Then we'll go with that data file!
Robot #2: Correct!
Robot #1: The flower would also have been acceptable.
Fry: Man, we look stupid. We should've gotten store-bought costumes.
Leela: Yeah, but there wasn't a Woolworth's in this quadrant.
Bender: Well I'm not doing it! It's a robot holiday.
Fry: Really? Which one?
Bender: Only Robannukah, the holiest two weeks on the robot calendar.
Leela: Oh, come on, Bender. Last month it was "Robomadon" and before that "Robonza".
Fry: Man, that one was a blast!
Bender: It wasn't just "a blast". It was a sacred tribute to my ancestral prototypes which happened to take the form of a drinking contest.
Farnsworth: He's good, alright. But he's no Clem Johnson. And Johnson played back in the days before steroid injections were mandatory.
Fry: I don't get this. Is Blernsball exactly the same as baseball?
Farnsworth: Baseball? God forbid.
Leela: Face it, Fry, baseball was as boring as mom and apple pie.
Fry: It wasn't bori- (cuts himself off) so they finally jazzed it up.
Robot Mayor: Welcome to a very special human hunt! We have with us today a guest whose irrational hatred for humans makes me look like a human sympathizer!
[The robots in the crowd laugh]
Robot Mayor: A newly-arrived refugee from Earth, let's hear it for... Bender!
Fry: It's him! He's OK!
Bender: Death to humans!
[The robots in the crowd cheer]
Fry: Aww... It's good to hear his voice.
Fry: We're rescuing ya.
Bender: I don't want to be rescued.
Fry: Say what?
Bender: I love this planet! I've got wealth, fame, and access to the depths of sleaze that those things bring.
Bender: Now Wireless Joe Jackson - there was a blern-hitting machine.
Leela: Exactly! He was a machine designed to hit blerns. Wireless Joe Jackson was nothing but a programmable bat on wheels.
Bender: Oh, and I suppose Pitch-o-Mat 5000 was just a modified howitzer!
Leela: Yep.
[Fry is playing a compact disc recording of Sir Mix-a-Lot's "Baby Got Back;" Leela turns it off.]
Leela: Fry, you can't just sit here in the dark listening to classical music.
Fry: I could if you hadn't turned on the light and shut off my stereo.
Voice on TV: Do you remember when chocolate-chip cookies came fresh out of the oven? Petridge Farm remembers
Fry: Oh, those were the days...
Voice on TV: Do you remember when women weren't allowed to vote and certain folk weren't allowed on golf courses? Petridge Farm remembers.
Fry: I finally found what I need to be happy and it's not friends, it's things.
Bender: I'm a thing...
Mom: Now I'm off to some charity BS for knocked-up teenage sluts.
Mom: Toodle-oo! [Under her breath.] Dumbass...
Fry: What a nice lady.
Prof. Farnsworth: I'm sorry, Fry, but anchovies went extinct in the 2200s.
Fry: Wha?
Prof. Farnsworth: Oh, my, yes. Fished out of existence... just about the time your people arrived on Earth, Dr. Zoidberg.
Zoidberg: I'm not on trial here.
Fry: So, none of you have ever had anchovies? Oh, man! You don't know what you're missing. They were salty and oily and melted in your mouth...
Zoidberg: Okay, okay! I admit it! My people ate them all! We kept saying one more couldn't hurt, and then they were gone! We're sorry!
Leela: You're Fry's relative. Do you have any idea how he got so crazy?
Prof. Farnsworth: Uh, what? Oh, yeah, they say madness runs in our family. Some even call me mad. And why? Because I dared to dream of my own race of atomic monsters, atomic supermen with octagonal shaped bodies that suck blood...
[Fry is serving pizza with anchovies]
Fry: Okay, my friends, get ready for the most delicious extinct animal you've ever tasted.
Amy: I don't know, I've had cow.
Leela: I don't get it, Fry. Who was Ted Danson, and why did you bid $10, 000 for his skeleton?
Fry: I have an idea for a sitcom.
Zoidberg: That stench. That heavenly stench! [Eats all the anchovies] More...More...
Fry: There aren't any more, and there never will be.
Zoidberg: [advances menacingly] More...More! More! MORE!
[Bender is watching a cooking show called Essence of Elzar]
Fry: Hey, whatcha watching?
Leela: Is that a cooking show?
Bender: [turns off the TV] No, of course not. It was... uh... porno. Yeah, that's it.
Leela: [turns the TV back on] Bender, I didn't know you liked cooking. That's so cute.
Bender: Aww, it's true. I've been hiding it for so long.
Fry: It's okay, Bender. I like cooking too.
Bender: [sotto voce] Pansy.
Leela: Look at all these guys. Do you have any idea what the average length of their reigns was?
Fry: Uhh... 80,000 years?
Leela: No, one week!
Fry: Damn! I knew you wouldn't have asked unless it was really high or really low.
Fry: It's just like the story of the grasshopper and the octopus. All year long, the grasshopper kept burying acorns for winter, while the octopus mooched off his girlfriend and watched TV. But then the winter came, and the grasshopper died, and the octopus ate all his acorns. Also he got a race car. Is any of this getting through to you?
Fry: That was the saltiest thing I ever tasted! And I once ate a big heaping bowl of salt!
Bender: There was nothing wrong with that food. The salt level was 10% less than a lethal dose.
Zoidberg: Uh-oh! I shouldn't have had seconds.
Fry: It's no use. I want to cry, but I'm just too macho.
Bender: I'll make you cry, buddy. You're a pimple on society's ass and you'll never amount to anything!
Fry: Wha'd'you mean? I was emperor of a whole planet.
Bender: Good point... but here's a disturbing reminder: anyone you knew or loved in the 20th century is dead.
Fry: These things happen.
Bender: Okay, Fry, grab a Kleenex for this one, 'cause your idiotic human ideals are laughable. Ha ha ha!
Fry: Phew, that's a load off my mind.
Fry: Now that you mention it, I do have trouble breathing underwater sometimes. I'll take the gills.
Organ Salesman: Yes, gills. Then, uh, you don't need lungs anymore, is right?
Fry: Can't imagine why I would.
Organ Salesman: Lie down on table. I take lungs now, gills come next week.
Leela: I know you like cooking shows, but you're a robot. You don't even have a sense of taste.
Bender: Honey, I wouldn't talk about taste if I was wearing a lime green tank top.
Hermes: Bender, it has come to my attention that this company has been paying you to do nothing but loaf around on the couch.
Bender: You call that a couch? I demand a pillow!
Murg: This is Your Majesty's harem. You may choose any of these maidens to be your royal consort.
Fry: Puh, puh, puh... How about that one?
Murg: Oh, I didn't realize Your Majesty was into that sort of thing.
Fry: On second thought, I'll take that one.
Murg: Hey, whatever you say. I'm not here to pass judgement.
Prof. Farnsworth: Good news, everyone!
Bender: Uh-oh, I don't like the sound of that.
Prof. Farnsworth: You'll be making a delivery to the planet Trisol.
Bender: Here it comes.
Prof. Farnsworth: A mysterious world in the darkest depths of the Forbidden Zone.
Bender: Thank you and goodnight.
Leela: Uh, Professor, are we even allowed in the Forbidden Zone?
Prof. Farnsworth: Why, of course! It's just a name! Like the Death Zone or the Zone of No Return. All the zones have names like that in the Galaxy of Terror!
Fry: [After testing the Smell-o-Scope] Just don't make me smell Uranus! [Laughs]
Leela: I don't get it.
Professor Farnsworth: I'm sorry, Fry, but astronomers renamed Uranus in 2620 to end that stupid joke once and for all.
Fry: So what's it called now?
Professor Farnsworth: Urrectum. Here, let me locate it for you.
Bart Simpson-doll: Eat my shorts!
Bender: Okay! [Eats the doll's shorts.] Mmm, shorts.
Fry: Hey, you have no right to criticize the 20th century. We gave the world the light bulb, the steam boat and the cotton gin.
Leela: Those things are all from the 19th century.
Fry: Yeah, well, they probably just copied us.
Wernstrom: And what will you be presenting this evening, professor?
Farnsworth: Let's just say it'll put you young whippersnappers in your place.
Wernstrom: I just hope it's not that lame death clock you presented last year.
Farnsworth: Uh... last year, you say?
Wernstrom: That's right.
Farnsworth: Oh, my. Did it put you young whippersnappers in your place?
Wernstrom: Hardly. We all laughed so hard our teeth fell out. Come along, Cinnamon.
[Wernstrom leaves with his fish]
Farnsworth: Oh, dear. I'll have to invent something new in the next ten minutes. Perhaps some sort of death clock.
Professor Farnsworth: I daresay that Fry has discovered the smelliest object in the known universe!
Bender: Ooh, name it after me!
[The Planet Express crew has watched an online movie about the solution to the garbage problem in New York.]
Fry: Wow, you got that off the Internet? In my day, the Internet was only used to download pornography.
Professor Farnsworth: Actually, that's still true.
[In the movie.]
Female Scientist: Now that the garbage ball is in space, Doctor, perhaps you can help me with my sexual inhibitions?
Male Scientist: With gusto. [The two scientists begin disrobing.]
[Fry, Leela, and Bender are on the big garbage ball. Leela places the bomb in the ground.]
Leela: Get ready to run. We got 25 minutes.
[Leela presses the button on the bomb. The timer beeps and the number changes]
Leela: Uh, 15 minutes. [The timer beeps again.] 5 minutes. [The timer beeps again.] "6h" minutes?
[Bender picks up the bomb and turns it upside down]:
Bender: There's your problem: the professor put the counter on upside down!
Leela: That idiot! It wasn't set for 25 minutes; it was set for 52 seconds!
Fry: [screams] AHHHH! We're gonna die!...Right?
Bender: Right.
[Fry screams again]
[After escaping Robot Hell]
Bender: Don't worry, guys. I'll never be too good or too evil again. From now on, I'll just be me.
Leela: Uh... Do you think you could be a little less evil than that?
Bender: I don't know... Do you think you could survive a seven-hundred foot fall?
Fry: [Chuckles] Good ol' Bender.
Leela: Bender, why are you spending so much time in the bathroom? Are you jacking on in there?
Bender: [Nervous] No! Don't come in!
Leela: Bender, we didn't mind your drinking, or your kleptomania, or your pornography ring.
Zoidberg: In fact, that's why we loved you.
Leela: But this electricity abuse crossed the line. You almost killed us.
Fry: And you made me feel like a jerk for trusting you. Just like when my friend Richie swore he wasn't taking drugs, and then he sold me my mom's VCR, and then, later, I found out he was taking drugs. You make me ashamed to be your friend.
Robot Devil: We know all your sins, Bender! And for each one we've prepared an agonizing and ironic punishment! Gentlemen...
[A robot-demon band plays up-tempo music]
Bender: Ah, crap. Singing... Mind if I smoke?
Robot Devil: [Singing] Cigars are evil, you won't miss 'em,
We'll find ways to simulate that smell.
What a sorry fella, rolled up and smoked like a donnetela,
Here on Level One of Robot Hell.
Gambling's wrong and so is cheating, so is forging phoney IOU's
Let's let Lady Luck decide what type of torture's justified,
I'm pit boss here on Level Two.
Ooo, deep-fried robot!
Bender: Just tell me why...
Robot Devil: Check out this 55-page warrant.
Bender: There must be robots worse than I...
Robot Devil: We've checked it out; there really aren't!
Bender: Then please let me explain,
My crimes were merely boy-ish pranks...
Robot Devil: You stole from boy scouts, nuns, and banks!
Bender: Ah, don't blame me; blame my upbringing! [Tries to take the Robot Devil's wallet]
Robot Devil: Please stop sinning while I'm singing!
Selling bootleg tapes is wrong,
Musicians need that income to survive
Beastie Boys: Hey, Bender, gonna make some noise,
With your hard drive scratched by the Beastie Boys!
[Ad-Rock plays on Bender's hardrive with his tongue]
That's whatcha, whatcha, whatcha get on Level Five!
Fry:[On the slide] I don't feel well...
Leela:[On the slide] It's up to us to rescue him.
Fry: Maybe he likes it here in Hell...
Leela: It's us who tempted him to sin.
Fry: Maybe he's back at the motel...
Leela: Come on, Fry, don't be scared,
I'm sure at least one of us will be spared,
So just sit back and enjoy the ride.
Fry: My ass has blisters from the slide!
Robot Devil: Fencing diamonds,
Fixing cockfights, publishing indecent magazines,
You'll pay for every crime, knee-deep in electric slime,
You'll suffer till the end of time,
Enduring tortures, most of which rhyme,
Trapped forever here in Robot Hell!
Fry: Bender, are you alright?
Bender: No! Oh, they tortured me with up-tempo singing and dancing!
Prof. Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! Today you'll be delivering a crate of subpoenas to Sicily 8, the Mob Planet.
[After delivering the subpoenas]
Fry: I know Big Vinny said he was giving me the Kiss of Death, but I still think he's gay.
Leela: Did he use his tongue?
Fry: A little.
[at a Beastie Boys concert]
Leela: They're laying down mad rhymes with an 80% success rate.
Bender: I believe that qualifies as ill, at least from a technical standpoint.
Hermes: Our electrical bill is climbing higher than a green snake up a sugar cane. Obviously someone here has been using a whole heap of juice. Probably you!
Zoidberg: Me?
[Later]
Hermes: And as a further cost-cutting measure, I have eliminated the salt water cooler.
Zoidberg: This is a witch hunt!
Bender: In the name of all that is good and logical, we give thanks for the chemical energy we are about to absorb. To quote the prophet Jerematic, one-zero-zero-zero-one-zero-one-zero-one-zero-one-zero-one... [later] ... zero-one-zero-one-one-zero-zero-one... two. Amen.
Kif: Sir, can I speak with you?
Zapp Brannigan: No!
Kif: But, sir, it's an emergency.
Zapp Brannigan: Come back when it's a catastrophe.
[The ship shakes and rumbles]
Zapp Brannigan: [stands up] Oh, very well.
Leela: That was the worst delivery ever.
Fry: Yeah, I'm never going to another planet called Cannibalon.
Bender: Me neither! Food was good, though.
Zapp Brannigan: Kif, I'm feeling the "Captain's itch".
Kif: I'll get the powder, sir.
Bender: You all go without me! I'm gonna take one last look around, you know, for, uh, stuff to steal!
Fry: You're going back for the Countess, aren't you?
Bender: All right, I am. But I don't want the others to know. If I don't come back, just say I died robbing some old man.
Fry: I'll tell them you went down prying the wedding ring off his cold, dead finger.
Bender: [hugging Fry] I love you, buddy!
Countess de LaRoca: Bender, you risked your life to save me!
Bender: And I'd do it again! And perhaps a third time! But that would be it.
Kif: Sir, remember your course correction?
Zapp Brannigan: No.
Kif: Well, it's proving somewhat more suicidal than we had initially hoped.
Bender: Wait, my cheating unit malfunctioned. You gotta' give me a do-over.
Craps dealer: Sorry, the house limit is three do-overs.
Zapp Brannigan: But as a gentleman, I must warn you, if you so much as glance at another woman, I'll be on Leela like a fly on a pile of very seductive manure.
Prof. Farnsworth: Thank God there's plenty of escape pods. We won't have to dress up like women and children.
[The camera pulls back to reveal Farnsworth dressed in a kid's sailor outfit and holding a lollipop]
Leela: Oh, God, not Zapp Brannigan.
Dr. Zoidberg: You know Zapp Brannigan?
Leela: Let's just say we've crossed paths.
Bender: Was that before or after you slept with him?
Zapp Brannigan: Don't blame yourself, Kif. We were doomed from the start. I guess all that remains now is for the captain to go down with the ship.
Kif: That's surprisingly noble of you, sir.
Zapp Brannigan: No, it's noble of you, Kif. As of now, you're in command. Congratulations, Captain.
Fry: You're not jealous, are you?
Leela: No!
Fry: Good, 'cause I consider my fake relationship with you a lot more meaningful.
Fry: Oh. Look, I'm not actually interested in her, if that's what's bothering you.
Leela: Oh, are you sure? I mean, she has two eyes, you have two eyes...?
Fry: I know. We seem like a perfect match. But, I just don't feel that way about her.
Leela: Well, accommodations aren't great, but it sure is beautiful out here
Fry: Yeah, it's pretty romantic- I mean, platonic, that sure is one platonic view.
Leela: Fry, just be quiet, I'm starting to think this whole fake fiance thing was a terrible, terrible [gasps]
[Leela surprises Fry with a big kiss in front of Zapp. After Zapp leaves, Leela breaks the kiss]
Leela: Uh, look... Before you get any crazy ideas, that was for Zapp.
Fry: Well, you got anything else for him?
Kif: This is a pleasure cruise. Our path is decided by the travel agency.
Zapp Brannigan: That's for schoolgirls. Now here's a course with some chest hair. [Draws a meandering line on the chart]
Kif: But that leads us straight through a swarm of comets.
Zapp Brannigan: Ah, yes. Comets, the icebergs of the sky.
Professor Farnsworth: Oh, I always feared he might run off like this. Why, why, why didn't I break his legs?
Leela: What you did to Guenter was cruel. At the risk of sounding like an after-school special, I think we learned who the real animal was today.
Fry: You mean peer pressure?
Fry: This is awesome! I had no idea that Mars had a university
Professor Farnsworth: Well, back in those days, Mars was a dreary, uninhabitable wasteland. Much like Utah.
[While searching the jungle for Guenter]
Fry: Wow, the jungles on Mars look exactly like the jungles on Earth!
Professor Farnsworth: Jungles on Earth? [Laughs]
Guenter: All I want is to be a monkey of moderate intelligence who wears a suit... that's why I'm transferring to business school!
Professor Farnsworth: NOOOOOO!
Dean Vernon: You robots are a disgrace to this university! Whenever a fire alarm is pulled, Robot House! Whenever the campus liquor store is looted, Robot House! Whenever a human corpse is desecrated...
Bender: Now I can explain that!
Dean Vernon: [repeated line] Robot House!
Leela: So you're saying that he just ran off in the middle of the exam?
Prof. Farnsworth: All he handed in was a paper smeared with feces. He tied with Fry.
Leela: You went to college?
Bender: Of course. I'm a bender. I went to Bending College; I majored in Bending.
Fry: What was your minor?
Bender: Robo-American Studies.
Prof. Farnsworth: It's a little experiment that may well win me the Nobel Prize.
Leela: In what field?
Prof. Farnsworth: I don't care; they all pay the same.
Fry: Hey, professor. What are you teaching this semester?
Prof. Farnsworth: Same thing I teach every semester: The Mathematics of Quantum Neutrino Fields. I made up the title so that no student would dare take it.
Fry:[writing] Mathematics of wonton burrito meals. I'll be there!
Prof. Farnsworth: Please, Fry. I don't know how to teach. I'm a professor.
Zapp Brannigan: The key to victory is discipline, and that means a well made bed. You will practice until you can make your bed in your sleep.
Fry: You mean while I'm sleeping in it?
Zapp Brannigan: You won't have time for sleeping, soldier, not with all the bed making you'll be doing.
Beach Bully: Huh, err, sir, you don't understand. I'm a professional beach bully. I pretend to steal your girl, you punch me, I go down, she swoons, you slip me 50 bucks.
Fry: 50 bucks? Not even if she was my girlfriend. You take her!
Zapp Brannigan: The alien mother-ship is in orbit here. If we can hit that bulls-eye, the rest of the dominoes will fall like a house of cards. Checkmate.
Zapp Brannigan: [having just seen another massive spaceship appear] What the hell is that thing?!
Kif Kroker: It appears to be the mother ship.
Zapp Brannigan: Then what did we just blow up?
[Kif checks the star chart]
Kif Kroker: The Hubble Telescope.
[The real alien mothership appears and it starts easily destroying the ships]
Zapp Brannigan: Stop exploding, you cowards!
Zapp Brannigan: When I'm in command, every mission is a suicide mission.
Hermes: What in the name of Bob Marley's ghost? Get to work, you lazy boat bag!
[He rolls up the paper and hits Bender with it. Fry chuckles. Hermes hits him.]
Fry: Hey, quit it, Hermes. It's Labor Day.
Hermes: Labor Day? That phoney-baloney holiday crammed down our throats by fat-cat union gangsters?
Fry: That's the one.
Hermes: Hot damn, a day off!
Zapp Brannigan: Our mission is clear: Destroy all alien lifeforms.
Kif Kroker: Um...not me, sir.
Zapp Brannigan: Right. Nobody destroy Kif. Unless you have too.
Fry: OK, Leela, you'll be starring as Jenny-
Leela: Uh-uh, forget it. A, I'm camera shy; and B, I get tongue tied in front of an audience armed with death rays.
Amy: Plus, you don't really have the thighs for a miniskirt.
Leela: Gimme the script
Lrrr: Surely you know McNeal. She is an unmarried human female struggling to succeed in a human male's world.
Zapp Brannigan: Maybe that's just her excuse for being incompetent.
Amy: There. How do I look?
Farnsworth: Like a cheap French harlot.
Amy: French?
Bender: They must just wanna see that episode. Let's find a tape and give it to 'em.
Amy: There aren't any copies left.
Farnsworth: No, there wouldn't be. Most videotapes from that era were damaged in 2443 during the Second Coming of Jesus.
Lrrr: Attention McNeil. We are reasonably satisfied with the events we have seen. Overall I would rate it a C+. Okay, not great. As a result we will not destroy your planet. But neither will we provide you with our recipe for immortality!
Fry: Way to overact, Zoidberg!
[Bender feels sick]
Amy Wong: You should try homeopathic medicine, Bender. Try some zinc.
Bender: I'm 40% zinc!
Amy Wong: Then take some echinacea, or St. John's Wort.
Professor Farnsworth: Or a big fat placebo. It's all the same crap!
[Bender sees the insides of a transsexual female robot]
Bender:[gasps] That's no lady!
Trans-bot: Damn, Chico. One more upgrade and I'll be more lady than you can handle. Why do have to be so stupid, Stupid?
Bender: Hey bite my shiny metal ass!
Trans-bot: You couldn't afford it, honey. [snaps fingers and walks away]
Slurm Queen: As for you, you will be submerged in Royal Slurm which, in a matter of minutes, will transform you into a Slurm Queen like myself!
Small Glurmo #1: But, Your Highness, she's a commoner. Her Slurm will taste foul.
Slurm Queen: Yes! Which is why we'll market it as New Slurm. Then, when everyone hates it, we'll bring back Slurm Classic, and make billions!
Bender: What should we try it on first?
Fry: Try it on me [Bender points the F-Ray at Fry's body] ow, my sperm!
Bender: I'll try it again [He does so]
Fry: Huh. Didn't hurt that time
Fry: All this prolonged exposure to radiation is making me thirsty
Professor Farnsworth: Who are those horrible orange creatures over there?
Glurmo: Why those are the Grunka-Lunkas. They work here in the Slurm factory.
Professor Farnsworth: Tell them I hate them.
Glurmo: There will be no further questions!
Fry: [Raises his hand] Why?
Glurmo: You'll have all the Slurm you can drink when you're partying with Slurms McKenzie!
Fry: When will that be?
Glurmo: Soon enough.
Fry: That's not soon enough!
Grunka-Lunka song:
Grunka-Lunkas: Grunka-Lunka dunkety doo
We've got a friendly warning for you
Grunka-Lunka dunkety dasis
The secret of Slurm's on a need-to-know basis
Asking questions in school is a great way to learn
If you try that stuff here you might get your legs broke
We once found a dead guy face down in the Slurm
It could easily happen again to you, folks
So keep your head down and keep your mouth shut
Grunka Lunka Lunka dunkety dutt!
Leela: What's behind that door? Is it the secret ingredient?
Grunka-Lunkas: [singing] Grunka-Lunka dunkety dingredient
You should not ask about the secret ingredient!
Bender: [Angrily] Okay, okay, we get the point!
Leela: I was just curious because of the armed guards.
Grunka-Lunkas: [singing] Grunka-Lunka dunkety darmed-guards...
Bender: SHUT THE HELL UP!