Chapter 25

You Are Cordially Invited

PS 118 Lunchroom

The Monday after Helga and Rhonda returned to Hillwood

-ARNOLD-

"Ah reckon today's the day, fellers," Stinky drawled, his eyes gazing at the target of his affections. "Ah'm gonna go over there and declare mah intentions to one Rani Patel."

Arnold glanced over at the table Stinky was staring at. Rani was a recent arrival from Portland, daughter of a wealthy cardiologist and a restaurant owner. She was new to PS118, but in the time she'd been here, she'd pretty much become the Rhonda Lloyd of Class 6B. The petite dark-skinned girl was sitting at her accustomed table, holding court to Gloria, Katrinka and Mary, her fellow 6B girls.

"Yeah, right. You said that last week, and the week before, and the week before that," scoffed Sid. "Face it, you're never ever gonna do it."

"Even if he does, it's not like anything's gonna happen." added Harold, halfway through an Italian hoagie. "She's way outta your league. She's like… Indian Rhonda."

I sort of half-listened to their conversation, since it was pretty much the same conversation they'd been having nearly every lunch period. Stinky would eventually give in to their discouragement, and the conversation would move on to whichever sports team won last night or a recent TV show or something.

Speculation on the missing Helga, Phoebe and Rhonda still came up on occasion. Last Wednesday, Principal Wartz had informed the student body of the missing girls' return in what might have been the most awkward way possible.

The previous Wednesday, first period

"BZZZT – Attention, students. I am pleased to inform you that Rhonda Lloyd and Helga Pataki are no longer missing and have returned home safely. Due to circumstances that I am legally not allowed to discuss, but which certainly have nothing to do with any bizarre physical condition they've been affected by, they will remain absent until the end of the semester. Again, the reasons behind this absence are not in any way unusual and let's all not speculate on what they may be. That will be all."

"Aw, c'mon!" Harold complained. "That just makes me wanna talk about it more!"

I glanced at Gerald and Nadine. The three of us knew everything, but the girls had sworn us to secrecy about their condition for the time being. They'd let slip that Brainy and Eugene knew and that Rhonda had spoken to Patty yesterday, but everyone else was still in the dark and they wanted to avoid too many people finding out before the right time. Helga had especially insisted on not telling Harold, Sid or Stinky. "If Moe, Larry and Shemp find out before we're ready for it, it's all over," she'd said. I couldn't exactly blame her for that, especially since two out of three had been to blame for the whole "bunny pajamas" incident. I still hated Easter.

I had thought last week was bad…. Helga being absent, not knowing where she was… but this wasn't much better. I knew she was home now, but she still wasn't with me (okay, to be fair, she was mostly living at the boarding house now, so I still got to see plenty of her). It was so stupid… she shouldn't have to hide just because of some random genetic infection. She was still the same Helga she'd always been, under the half-alien body. She deserved to be right here with everyone. They all did.

But Helga was right too… a lot of their classmates were a bit… maturity-challenged? Harold, for example, mercilessly jumped on any chance to make fun of anyone, while Sid's paranoia constantly got the better of him, and Stinky would pretty much fall in line with whichever one was acting out at the time. Their reaction to literal human-alien hybrid versions of their friends couldn't be predicted.

The half-paid-attention-to conversation had moved on to the upcoming (for most; Harold was already in the midst of Chanukah) holiday and plans thereto. I smiled to myself; this would be our first Christmas together as a couple and I was looking forward to us doing all the traditional things together: bobbing for apples, watching horror movies… okay, so they weren't the right traditional things, but they were fun and that's what mattered. There'd be plenty of time for Christmas on the Fourth of July, anyway.

My reverie was interrupted by Nadine placing an envelope with a black-and-orange Chrstmas tree design on it in front of me. "Hey guys," she said. "Rhonda wanted me to make sure everyone got these. Party's on, and it's gonna be the best ever."

I opened the envelope.

Miss Rhonda Wellington Lloyd
cordially invites all members
of the PS118 6th Grade Class
to the Event of the Season

Tuesday, December 26, 2017
4:00-9:00 PM

HALLOWEENSMAS

Costumes are encouraged but not mandatory
A buffet dinner will be served
Live DJ, dancing, and karaoke contest

DON'T MISS IT

So they really were going through with this.

"Wait I don't get it," Harold pondered. "Is this a Chrsitmas party or Halloween invitations that got delayed? Awww, this is so confusing!"

"I reckon this is some sorta trendy thing. Rhonda's all about trends. It's like that fusion cuisine, but with holidays or somethin'."

Sid looked around the table. "Don't you think there's something weird about this? I mean… supposedly she's too traumatized to go to school, but not so traumatized that she'll host some huge Christmas party? Boy howdy, something's really off here."

I was a little worried about this sort of thing. Kids were already getting suspicious. Okay, so right now, it was just Sid, and he was suspicious of everything, but he had a habit of getting into peoples' heads and convincing them of his paranoid delusions. He even had me seriously entertaining, for the briefest of moments, the ridiculous idea that Stinky was a vampire. Of course, since Helga had confirmed the existence of gnomes, ghosts, and other supernatural creatures, it was entirely possible that vampires did exist… but there was no way Stinky was one, right?

In any case, it was probably better to nip the idle speculation in the bud. "Well… you know what Rhonda's like, right? Maybe what she needs is to be the center of attention again. That'll make her feel more like she used to, and she'll be able to get back to being her usual self."

"Sure, that makes sense, I guess" Gerald added, playing along. "Rhonda's all about parties."

"Who am I to question the whims of my beloved?" said a voice from under the table.

"Pretty sure the Campfire Lasses have stopped lookin' for you, Curly," Gerald replied.

"That's what they want you to think. Fools! I'm one step ahead of them!"

Gerald gave me a "How do you deal with this?" look. I returned a "Forget it, Gerald, it's Curly" look.

"All I know is she had me at 'buffet,'" Harold commented.

"Well, I'm going, but only so I can say 'I told you so,'" Sid added. "And 'cause if I'm wrong it's still a cool party."

It looked like the crisis was averted, at least temporarily. I got up from the table, only to bump into Lila.

"Arnold! I'm ever-so-glad to bump into you!" she said. There was a time when I would've been overjoyed to hear those words from her. Back in fourth grade, I had a huge crush on the girl, thanks to her sweet nature, intelligence, wit, and down-home good looks. She still had all these things, but I'd gotten over her a long time ago. There was a lot of sweetness, sure, but there was no spice in the mix. Cotton candy was okay, but I needed the mouth-searing habanero that was Helga Pataki in my life.

"What's wrong?" I asked. Lila wasn't one of the people who usually came to me for help. I wondered what the problem could possibly be.

"Um, well… this is probably ever-so-presumptuous of me, but, I'm just not sure who to go to."

"Go on…" I used to find those ever-sos just "ever-so" charming, but these days, they felt "ever-so" annoying and I just wished "oh-so-much" that she would get to her point.

"Well… it's just been me and my dad for a long time, but… lately he's been seeing someone…" Her foot scuffed back and forth on the lunchroom tile.

"That's great!" I said.

"No, it's terrible, it's just oh-so-terrible! He's not ready to be with anyone else!"

"Um… he's a grown man, I'm pretty sure he knows what he's doing. Anyway, why would you even come to me? It's none of my business if your father's dating."

"I'm certain it's because the woman," she said this with obvious disgust, "is someone you know. Her name's Suzie. She said she used to live at your grandparents' place."

"Suzie?" I found myself chuckling. "Lila, you have nothing to worry about. Suzie's one of the nicest people I know. I'm sure she'd never do anything to hurt your dad."

"Yes, well, I'm ever-so-certain her ex-husband thought the same thing. I haven't gone into this blind, Arnold. I've done my homework. I know she's already broken one heart. What makes you think she wouldn't wreck one more?"

"Lila… I think you're being ridiculous."

"And I think you're being naïve, just ever-so-naïve. You think the best of everyone, but only the Lord is perfect. People have wicked intentions. And if you won't do anything, I'll be forced to do this on my own." She stormed off, fuming. I'd never seen her this upset, not since that first week when the girls had gotten jealous of her instant popularity and nearly bullied her out of the school. Even then, she was just sad, not actively angry. I wondered if she'd always had this dark side to her personality and I'd just never seen it before, whether her worry for her father was just now pushing it to the surface. Either way, I should probably warn Suzie.

After school, I hurried back home. Mondays were usually baseball day at Gerald Field, but with the weather getting colder and colder, we weren't likely to get enough people. In any case, I needed my Helga fix.

After opening the door and avoiding the stampede, I entered the boarding house common room to find Ernie and Mr. Huynh engaged in a heated game of checkers.

"Up there," Ernie simply stated.

"Up wh-" I was cut off by a bit of fluffy yellow hair tickling my nose, attached to a cord of rosy flesh.

"Hey, football head, nice day at the salt mines?"

I looked up. Helga had attached herself to the ceiling. "What are you doing up there?" I said, knowing that Helga was just as likely to just do it for kicks.

"Well, your grandpa has this notion that if I'm gonna be mooching free room and board offa him, I should at least do some chores around the house. So right now, he's got me fixing the cracks in the ceiling, since it's so easy for me to get up here."

"I'll talk to him. You kinda have enough to worry about without having house maintenance on your plate."

" Nah, it's cool. Lord knows I've done enough damage to this place over the years, I might as well fix something for a change, right?"

She dropped off the ceiling, landing neatly, wings spread to slow her drop, before snapping them back to their resting position. "And Pataki nails the dismount!" she declared.

"Thank god," Ernie grumbled. "I'm more or less used to her by now, but that crawling on the ceiling… now that is freaky. It's like that baby scene in Trainspotting."

"Yes!" added Mr. Huynh, shuddering. "I see that movie with Ernie last week! Very, very creepy scene! Babies still freak me out!"

"That's why I do it," Helga whispered, grinning. Out loud, she continued. "So, what's going on? Curly get put on any watch lists? Did Harold finally explode? Did Stinky move on to a new flavor of pudding?"

"You actually miss everyone, don't you?" I said smugly.

"OH MY GOD I'M GOING CRAZY! I just want my life to be freakin' normal again! Not me… I like being the way I am… just my life! I'm sick of hiding! I wanna just be able to go out and do stuff again, and not have to wear a huge overcoat and hat like a stack of kids pretending to be an adult! Is that too much to ask, Arnold? IS IT?"

"No, of course not. I promise, somehow we're gonna find a way for you to get back out there and still be yourself. I have no idea how…"

"Aw, when's that ever stopped you? Do we have to go into your list of accomplishments?"

"That's really not necessary-"

"You saved the Circle Theater, ended the teachers' strike, cured Stoop Kid's fear of leaving his stoop, saved the Jolly Olly Man from an underage lynch mob…"

"That was actually the weather…"

"…folied a penny counterfeiting scheme purely by accident, got Torvald to finally pass fourth grade, got Eugene out of a false accusation, got us in the book of world records, reunited Mr. Huynh with his daughter…"

"…I think we both know that one wasn't me… "

"…saved us all from dying horribly in a parade float accident, saved Mighty Pete, reconciled Rhonda and Nadine, led us to victory in the Mud Bowl, ended the Curly standoff, brought Agatha Caulfield out of retirement, stopped Big Patty from murdering me, restarted Dino Spumoni's career, helped Harold lose all that weight, won Mr. Green a city council seat, took down Sheck…"

"A lot of that one was you."

"…got that sketchy East European guy a job, helped him learn to read, AND helped him pass the citizenship test, brought an end to Trash Can Day, reunited Mr. Green with his estranged son, caught the Hillwood Strangler…"

"…okay, THAT I had nothing to do with…"

"…sorry, got carried away… oh and there was that time you SAVED AN ANCIENT CIVILIZATION…"

"Once again, you played a pretty big part in that one."

"You know what I mean! Even counting the stuff I did, you've got a pretty crazy resume. So I actually believe that you have what it takes to make it so one day I'll be able to walk down the street in broad daylight again."

"Well… there's at least Rhonda's party, right? You'll see everyone there."

"Yeah… Princess is convinced this whole 'Halloween on Christmas' scheme'll pay off. Personally, I think it'll be a disaster, but I'm going along because I'm sure it'll be a hilarious disaster."

"Hey, they might just surprise you."

Helga raised her left eyebrow in a "you're kidding, right? You know who we're dealing with." smirk. "If it works, more power to her. I just don't wanna get my hopes up too far."

"Nadine passed out the invitations today. Looks like everybody's going, so I'm actually feeling kinda good about it."

"Everyone, hm? No protests? No 'I'm oh-so-certain we shouldn't be trivializing the birth of Our Lord by combining it with frivolous celebrations based around a pagan holiday'?"

"Lila's kind of focused on her own troubles. She's all bent out of shape because her dad's dating again."

"So, Ms. Perfect is capable of negative feelings. Will wonders never cease."

"I tried to tell her she should be happy for her dad, but she tried to rope me into some kind of scheme to break him up with his new girlfriend, who happens to be a friend of mine, so you can see why I don't want to get involved with-"

"Oh, man! Lila is plotting actual schemes? I really have been away from school too long!"

"This is serious. It's really out-of-character for her."

"Oh, I dunno… you know what they say. Beware the nice ones. They could snap like *snap* that. I knew there was a dark side lurking under that sugary exterior, just waiting to come out… like… those gross candies that're black licorice inside." She shuddered. "Never again, Good & Plenty. Never again."

"She's probably just venting. I doubt she's actually going to do anything. "

"Never say never, Arnoldo. We live in strange times. " There was a thump upstairs. "Case in point. Princess is up there getting kung-fu lessons from your grandma. If I know my thumps right, she just got herself flipped again."

"I hope she doesn't hurt herself."

"Ah, Pookie's a tough old bird, I'm sure she can take it."

"I meant Rhonda. She's way out of her league."

The door to the zen garden room (I was never sure just how we had room for it in the house) opened and, speaking of the devil, Grandma exited, followed by a sore-looking Rhonda. "Don't get discouraged, Silkworm," Grandma advised. "Despite appearances, you did make quite a bit of progress today."

"I know what not to do, you mean," Rhonda answered. I briefly wondered where Grandma had gotten a four-sleeved gi, but figured it was better to not question it. "Oh, hey, Arnold," she said when she spotted me. "Remind me to kill Helga for suggesting this."

"Oh, you know you don't stand a chance against me, Rondaloid," Helga answered good-naturedly. "You gonna stay for dinner? Gertie usually makes Kung Pao chicken when she gets into this character."

"No, I really should get going. Nadine and I were gonna run menus for the party tonight. Also… I really should get cracking on the two weeks of schoolwork I'm behind. Wings or no, I'm gonna graduate with the rest of you guys."

Hearing her determination to rejoin the world on her own terms doubled my own determination to make it somehow happen. "We'll all walk down that aisle together, Rhonda, I promise."

"Oh, Arnold, you really are the best," Rhonda said, enveloping me in an unexpected hug. I looked apologetically at Helga, who shrugged.

"Okay, break it up," she finally said. "We don't wanna rekindle any crushes that should stay dead and buried."

"Excuse me?" I said.

"Princess here had a crush on you in second grade," Helga said.

"Second… through fourth, actually," Rhonda corrected a bit nervously.

"…what." Helga said, glaring.

"B-but that's in the past! I've moved on! To a completely new gender, actually! N-nobody has to murder anybody!"

"They'd never find the body, you know. Not all of it, anyway."

"Well, it was nice seeing you, Arnold! I must bid you adieu!" Rhonda bolted out of the house as fast as she could.

"Ah, she knows I wouldn't do it, right?"

"You were pretty convincing, Helga."

"I don't mean any of it. I just got her as a friend, I don't wanna lose her over some stupid joke.

"I know."

"And if you tell anyone else I'm really all soft…"

"We find out just where my head can fit, I know."

She hugged me. "You really are the best, Football Head."

A. N.: This chapter should have been out way sooner, but I really had no time to work on it. My schedule's been tight lately. Expect updates to get a bit spotty through most of September, but I'll get back on track after that.

Jose: If the Seven Deadly sins were personified by Hey Arnold characters, Bob would definitely be pride. Or maybe Wrath. We'll see Miriam and Helga's reunion in an upcoming chapter.

Paddywagon: It was an interesting exercise getting into their heads (and Bliss's a few chapters back).

Next chapter: We catch up on what Olga's been doing, and I apologize in advance for something I'm going to do to another Nicktoons character. I'm so, so sorry.