My leg bounced up and down as I waited on the sofa in the living room for Tyler, he'd been there for three days and we were planning on having a movie day—just the two of us like it used to be. He had gotten extremely close to Dannii over the past few days, and it was awesome to have two best friends.
His grinning figure appeared in the archway, holding the familiar box of home movies and pictures. I hadn't had the courage to even look through it yet. "I thought we could watch some of our old home movies?" He offered, holding out the box and shook it a little, its contents rattling, as if it would entice me a little more.
The thought of hearing my mother's voice and her laugh, and actually seeing her again scared me. I nodded and smiled back, praying I would be ready for it and wouldn't break down crying at any point during the videos. I knew I probably would later, but in the privacy of my room.
Setting it on the coffee table, he turned back toward me. "Pick one out; I just gotta use the bathroom alright?" I nodded silently, staring at the box for a few moments after he left, really not knowing if I could do it.
After a few more moments of hesitation, I let out a sigh and knelt down on the floor beside the coffee table, my fingers gripping the top of the box. I pulled my head back and closed my eyes, it smelled like home and I hadn't even opened it yet. I brought a hand up to cover my nose, not being able to bear it any longer.
The smell of freshly baked bread mixed with my mother's vanilla perfume was so intense I had to bring a hand up to cover my nose. I almost wished I could smell the familiar, comforting scent forever, but if I did for more than another few seconds, I would break down. I was sure of it.
If I couldn't handle just the smell of my old life, what made me think I could actually hear and watch my mother?
A knock was heard on the frame of the archway, and I snapped my head up to see Matt and Val, both of them smiling kindly. "Hey, Patey? Mind if we join you?"
Although I was a little hesitant, I wouldn't let it show and nodded silently, gesturing toward the couch opposite to me. I didn't want them to see me get all emotional while watching all of the old home videos, but that was just a little more motivation to keep my cool.
With both of them sitting on the sofa in front of me, I couldn't put off picking out a video any longer, or they would notice. I quickly stuck my hand in the box and pulled a random movie out, sitting back on the couch before looking at which one I had picked.
My mother's scribbled cursive was scrawled across the front of it, labelled Payton '06. I had been ten at that time and my mom had shot the majority of the footage in this particular one, and I was slightly appreciative she didn't make too many appearances during it. I knew I couldn't seeing her all the times Tyler and I had navigated the camera and she made many appearances in the other videos. I would build myself up to it.
It was then I remembered that Tyler still hadn't returned from the bathroom, and looked up at Matt and Val awkwardly, trying a smile. The video felt light in my hands, and I held it tighter, wondering where the hell Tyler was.
I decided I would set it up while we waited for Tyler to get back, and did so quicker than I had been expecting. I sat back on the sofa, staring at the archway and wishing Tyler would appear. I didn't know why things had gotten awkward between us then, because it was honestly the first time in a while where I felt really uncomfortable around Matt. Maybe it was because Matt was going to see my mother for the first time in over a decade, even if it was just on a screen.
Finally, Tyler got back, his grin had since intensified and he looked stoked to be watching the movies. He plunked himself down next to me. "Jesus. Took you long enough--" I stopped short when I glanced up at him, getting a closer look. "Ty—your nose!" I said, hurriedly getting up to grab a tissue box from an end table, hurriedly ripping some out and pressing them to the trail of blood leaving his nostril.
Both Matt and Val were closely watching the scene, but I paid no attention to them as I frowned up at Tyler. "You okay, Llama? I thought your nosebleeds stopped when you were like, twelve?" I asked softly, pulling my hand away so he could hold the tissue there himself.
Tyler used to be a geeky kid, and that was putting it lightly. Sinus infections, braces and coke bottle glasses. The whole thing. Then it was as if he had matured overnight, his braces and glasses disappeared. I thought his messed up sinus had, too. That was odd, though. I thought I knew everything about my best friend.
His smile faltered a little, but it was instantly back up. "Nah, I still get 'em every now and then, they're usually not as bad as this, though."
"You feeling okay?" I started, remembering he used to get woozy with them. "Do you still wanna do this?" I asked, pointing toward the TV. I was thinking he should maybe go lie down and sleep it off. Even though I was worried about my best friend, I could also have it double as an excuse not to watch the home videos. That would put it off at least for a while.
"No, no!" He said, hurriedly shaking his head. "Just a nose bleed P. I'll be fine."
"Well..." I let out another sigh and grabbed the remote. "If you're sure?"
"I'm sure." With his final word of confirmation, I sucked in a deep breath and pressed play, not giving myself another chance to back out of it.
Our ten and twelve year-old selves popped up on the screen, the date August 30th, 2006. I winced at my appearance, my hair the same shade of dark brown as Matt's and my lip un-pierced. In the video I was laughing uncontrollably while Tyler simply pouted, but smiled a little at the sight of me. My mother's soft laugh could be heard from behind the camera. I visibly tensed at the sound of it, but otherwise I didn't let it show much it affected me. "What did you just call Tyler, Patey?" Mom asked, trying to hold back another laugh as Tyler glowered.
I looked away from the TV and gave Tyler a grin, hoping it reached my eyes. This was one of our fondest memories. He smiled back and took my hand, giving it a small squeeze before looking back at the TV. I think he noticed how hard it was for me, but I didn't mind.
Another few moments go by and after my kid-self is finished giggling, I look up at the camera. "Tina." I had answered simply. My mother erupted into another fit of giggles then, which only made me do the same.
I took another moment to look over at Matt, and he immediately locked eye with me, smiling at me comfortingly. Val noticed and gave me a warm smile, too. I forced a soft smile back before focusing on the TV again.
"Why?" She asked, while I just pointed in the other direction. The camera shifted toward the TV, where Napoleon Dynamite had been paused at the scene where Napoleon was feeding his pet Llama. "Can't you see the resemblance?" I had managed to ask before cracking up again.
This was back when Tyler was in the 'awkward stage' I had mentioned before. I only then realised how mean that had been for me. "I was such a mean kid," I mumbled, now having to hold back my giggles.
Then, out of nowhere, the 'awkward' Tyler had pounced on my tiny ten year-old self, and wrestled me to the floor as I hopelessly attempted to fight back. That was how I'd come to be a half-way decent fighter these days. Sometimes Tyler just wouldn't give up, and wrestling back had been the only solution. I guess it had paid off in the past few months, though, as I knew I would be in a lot worse shape had I not had the experience.
The screen went blank after we heard my mother's worried mumbles, and if I remembered correctly, she had turned the camera off to separate us. It quickly flickered back though, and in the middle of the screen was a crudely done birthday cake. The date was October 12th, my eleventh birthday. I could remember helping my mother and Tyler decorate it the night before, and well, Tyler and I had gotten a little carried away. It would have come out much better had my mom done it herself.
My mother moved the camera slightly to see me pouting with my arms crossed as I stared down at the eleven candles on the cake. "What's wrong baby? Don't you like the presents I got you?" My mother asked, concern dripping from her words.
"I feel old." I had finally admitted, looking down in defeat.
I laughed out loud at the memory; I couldn't believe how old I felt back then, and Matt looked completely drawn into the TV, not even noticing me looking. Val just glanced from him to me, smiling.
Thankfully, I got through the rest of that tape and the next two, all of which were done by mom. The next one, however, was the one Tyler and I had been making before my mom's accident. It had been taken in a different direction, and it was mostly documenting Tyler and me and throughout the year. We hadn't gotten to finish it, or at least I hadn't thought we did.
Tyler smiled when he saw me staring at it. "I finished it after you left, I couldn't let such hilarity go to waste."
Pulling him into a tight hug, I couldn't keep the smile off of my face, but I was also a little worried. This one had a lot of my mother on it, and not much of it was good.
Once again, I got through most of it. All of the stuff that happened to us in the past year that we had considered 'funny' was on it, and it wasn't as bad as I had been thinking. It consisted of me betting with my mother that I could get the solo for 'Beast and the Harlot' down by the next day (which Matt openly grinned about), going to Warped Tour last year in Calgary (Tyler had taped me freaking out on the plane, I was not happy about that), among other random things.
My heart jumped into my throat at the next clip, though. It was the one thing I had mulled over again and again in my head, when Tyler and I had gotten ourselves, and consequently my mother, thrown out of Wal-Mart. I had completely forgotten that we'd videotaped it, and instantly regretted it. I held my breath through it, waiting and bracing myself for what I knew was coming, and boy, did it come. The camera had been accidentally zoomed in on her face and all.
The disappointed, defeated look on her face.
I made it through a half a second of looking at her, then I up and bolted from the room, ignoring everyone's alert and worried calls and went straight up to my room.
Why had I been so stupid? I wished I could go back in time, even if it was just to apologize to her for the hell I had put her through with all the shit I had done. Getting thrown out of Wal-Mart was just the tip of the ice-berg. Mild compared to everything else, from getting suspended pretty much monthly to getting into fights—and everything in between.
She had been rushing home to see me the night of her accident. I knew that with every fibre in my being. She had been worried about what I could have gotten myself into. Just like in my dream, the one I'd had all those weeks ago. She was rushing for me.
"Payton?" Matt called through my door, knocking softly, which made me back away from it. I stared at it for a moment, silent, knowing he would come in anyway. I held my arms protectively across my chest when he came in. "Are you okay?" He asked, and all I could do was nod.
He took one more look at me before stepping forward, enveloping me into a hug. Closing my eyes, I let myself lean into his chest and wrap my arms around him, surprised when I found comfort in him. "I knew it was going to be hard for you," He said after a few moments had passed, sighing. "I should have said something."
"No," I mumbled, pulling back to look at him. "I knew it would be, too. But I had to get it over with sometime." This whole 'sharing' thing was getting a little easier.
Giving me another smile, he pulled me back into the hug. I easily relaxed back into it, finding that I liked his hugs more and more with each one he gave me. "Okay, but no more movies for tonight, got it?" I let out a soft laugh and nodded again.
That was something I could agree on.